Getting second dates from online dating?

February 7, 2012 5:09 PM

I'm having trouble getting second dates from online dating sites. My personality has always been to develop a comfort zone with people slowly, and I worry that I'm getting brushed aside since there's not an "OMG CHEMISTRY" connection on the first date.

I'm a straight male in my late 20s with a very thin dating history. A friend convinced me to sign up for an online dating service, and I'm doing better at actually meeting people.

On a first date, I'm looking to enjoy spending time with a person and to be interested in finding out more about her. But, I'm not expecting an instant connection—I can't think of any instant connections I've ever had, in any aspect of my life, and so I'm not going to rule someone out because I'm not struck my lightning when we first meet. But, all of the people I'm meeting from online seem to have different expectations—we can have a first meeting that seems enjoyable for both of us, but nothing out of this world, and then the person will not answer when I suggest doing another date.

So: what should I do? I don't think it's realistic for me to generate a lightning bolt reaction in someone else, and I don't know how to give our interactions enough time to have a chance for something to develop. If I'm someone who doesn't really come out until a second or third date, how can I get those opportunities?

posted by anonymous to human relations (18 answers total)

Sign up on OK Cupid, if you haven't already. Then visit this MeTa thread, where MeFites are posting their profiles.

Otherwise, be sure to put in your profile, very prominently, that you take things slow. If that doesn't help, then something else is going on.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:20 PM on February 7 [1 favorite]

I think the only real advice anybody is going to be able to offer you is "persevere". And shyness - you say you "don't really come out" - can be misinterpreted as disinterest, aloofness, or plain ineptitude. Unfortunately the only real way to get around being shy is to not give a shit and just lay yourself out immediately.
posted by tumid dahlia at 5:21 PM on February 7 [2 favorites]

My online dating philosophy is this.

The first date is not a first date. It's a first meeting. The vast majority of everyone I've meet via online dating has not rated a proper date because for one reason or another I didn't hit it off with them. It's never anything that negative - I just didn't feel attracted to them, didn't find them terribly interesting, stuff like that. I don't need to be head over heels "love at first sight" or anything, but there has to be some chemistry and I have to have a good time. This happens less often than you would think.

I suppose it's callous that I "weed out" dates so quickly. In a nineteenth century socialist utopia, each internet dater would get a month-long courting period wherein I would see whether things went anywhere or if I developed an attraction to them. But we don't live in a nineteenth century socialist utopia, we live in 2012 New York. So one date is all you get unless I think you're cute and/or clever.

I do not think cute and/or clever is too much to ask in order to continue to go out with me. Luckily for you, online dating is a numbers game. You will most likely eventually go on a date with someone who thinks you're cute and/or clever, and then you'll have a second. A lucky few might blossom into relationships. That's all we can really ask from online dating, in my opinion.
posted by Sara C. at 5:23 PM on February 7 [7 favorites]

So: what should I do?

Keep going on dates. You'll find someone. MAYBE, maybe, pre-date, tell them that it takes you a few occasions to really open up and warm-up to someone.
posted by zephyr_words at 5:32 PM on February 7 [2 favorites]

I've never had any sort of "chemistry" with anyone on a first date, and I've always ended up dating people who slowly took a liking to me and vice versa. Which basically always meant dating within my extended circle of friends, with people who I could gradually get to know in a low-pressure oh-we're-all-just-hanging-out sort of way.

(I was doing the online dating thing for a while. And it ended up working for me! But it worked in this totally ass-backwards way, where I went on dates and we'd both be like "Oh god, I would never in a million years sleep with you, but you're sort of fun to talk to," and so we'd keep hanging out. So after a year or two of this I ended up with a really wide circle of friends and acquaintances, and got invited to a bunch more social events, and eventually ended up with a girlfriend that way.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:35 PM on February 7 [3 favorites]

I was just having a conversation with someone about this. Something more in the "hack" department: try intentionally setting up your first date such that it only lasts for 30 minutes or so (lunchtime coffee or something like that). The artificial constraints will lower expectations.
posted by modernserf at 5:37 PM on February 7 [2 favorites]

Your photos look like you, right? Flattering hopefully, but accurate? If not, that may be your problem. Sometimes people look nothing like their pictures or there is some other variable of attraction that only comes across in person that's way off from what you would expect from their profile. Otherwise, I think you're doing nothing wrong and you'll have to wait for one who warms slowly like you do. They're out there.
posted by slow graffiti at 6:11 PM on February 7

I think what nebulawindphone said is probably right. Online dating is a numbers game and all you can do is continue to go out to increase your chances of meeting someone who you'll develop a relationship with. It's also true that you can meet someone in real life by attending more social events and expanding your non-romantic circle of acquaintances, who you meet via online dating.

If you've been online dating for a while and this always happens, I wonder if there is a big mismatch between the profile versions of you and your dates? Maybe the people you've dated all happen to be looking a spark at first. There must be other people who are also looking to take things slow/ just meet people. Try going on dates with them!

On the bright side, by not going on dates with people who are not totally interested, you have cut each other's losses.
posted by ichomp at 6:13 PM on February 7

I am totally willing to give multiple dates even if there's not instant chemistry... unless there's not instant chemistry and something else.

The most recent and was when the guy didn't talk very much and spoke so softly when he did that I had a hard time hearing him. And several comments merely consisted of noting how he didn't know what to talk about.

If I had had the free time to keep going on dates with this guy along with my planned dates with other people, he may have been a great match if he opened up and I may have gone on the second date he proposed. But I don't have a lot of free time, and there were several other OKC prospects who, while also perhaps not having instant chemistry were nonetheless communicating with me, so I chose not to continue with the above guy.

So are you, despite no instant connection, still participating fully in the date? Also, like others have mentioned, it might have tipped me back in this dude's favor if he had said straight up that he takes a while to warm up and his current behavior wouldn't be the norm. But for all I know that's just how he is, and that's not what I want from a partner.
posted by vegartanipla at 6:27 PM on February 7 [4 favorites]

If your dating experience has been "thin" I'd say you need to get more comfortable-- ULTRA comfortable, talking to people in general, and women in particular in non-date settings. Talk to women in elevators, while standing in line, while walking your dog. This is especially important if you're an introvert.

Don't hide the fact that you are a sexual being in these interactions-- what I mean is, a lot of guys think acting like non-threatening Mr. Nice Guy Smiley is a way to differentiate themselves from Pervy Pick-Up-Artists/Creeps. But when they do this they are practicing being kind of disingenuously gender-neutral and it's actually pretty off-putting. Essentially, practice being a gentleman with balls in your everyday interactions with women and this will help you with your charisma on dates.

Although I don't know you personally, and therefore I'm not sure if this is an issue you have, I don't think guarded and socially awkward guys can successfully generate a sexy vibe, or even give accurate representations of themselves on dates as easily as some other more relaxed, confident-around-women men can. So if on your dates you are thoughtful, a good listener, relaxed, generous of spirit, physically comfortable in your own skin, not afraid to touch her very casually, witty or intelligent... these are good things, it's a numbers game. If, however, you would characterize your date self as spazzy, passive, super chatty or way too quiet, awkward, overeager, split the check (I'm just being real here) guy, then maybe that's part of the problem.

It's hard to be comfortable and to really show who you are as a person and as a man if your main interactions that involve talking to attractive women you don't know are date-oriented and kind of infrequent, that's what I'm saying.
posted by devymetal at 6:30 PM on February 7 [7 favorites]

My husband was you. I really liked him online but he was so shy that in person he seemed like he wasn't that in to me. What got us over the hump (till about the 5th date when he started to really relax, open up and talk with me) was that he kept inviting me to do REALLY COOL things.

This worked for two reasons, one it made me thing, obviously there is more to this guy if he is interested in all this cool stuff and two I went on the second, third and fourth date because I wanted to do the activity even though I wasn't sure things would pan out with my husband.

Maybe a similar thing would work for you? Use dates planned around your hobbies and interests to show who you are, feel a little more comfortable and cultivate and honest interest in you without needing lightning.
posted by Saminal at 6:30 PM on February 7 [16 favorites]

Saminal has it, find cool and interesting stuff to do in your area and let that be the motivating force to keep getting to know you better until they know you better.
posted by Blasdelb at 6:36 PM on February 7

A lot of times, I feel a certain amount of pressure to escalate relationships more quickly than I'd prefer with men I haven't made any decisions about. A lot of guys start in with the "casual" touching during the second date, or move in for a kiss. If I'm not feeling the attraction yet, this is pretty uncomfortable. So if you and I had a pleasant but non-sparky first date, and you asked me out on a second date, I would want to have the sense that we're going to take things slowly and just enjoy each other's company and see where things lead, and that you won't think you're wasting your time with me if nothing "happens."
posted by Mila at 7:43 PM on February 7 [1 favorite]

How do you know that's why you're not getting second dates? It sounds like you're just guessing; there could be any number of reasons.
posted by whitelily at 8:30 PM on February 7 [1 favorite]

So if on your dates you are thoughtful, a good listener, relaxed, generous of spirit, physically comfortable in your own skin, not afraid to touch her very casually, witty or intelligent... these are good things.

Just to give you the range of perspective AskMe provides, OP, I would have a strong instinctive recoil if a guy I had just met moments before started casually touching me while we were out for coffee or something. The semi-conscious instinct would be something like "this man who is a total stranger to me feels entitled to touch me and I don't even know him, how far is that going to go, how pushy is he going to be." It would feel extremely prematurely boundary crossing. Not only that but there's rarely a natural reason 2 people getting coffee together would usually touch. You would have to find an opening to do it deliberately and it would seem so forced. Quite possibly plenty of women would find it to be no big deal, but I'm pretty sure plenty of women would also be put off by it. Just a different perspective. Now that said,

whitelily: How do you know that's why you're not getting second dates? It sounds like you're just guessing; there could be any number of reasons.

I am also wondering this. There's no way for anyone else to know, but I don't think simple lack of a lightning bolt would be enough to make SO many people decline a second date. I mean, everyone is hoping here. Everyone WANTS to find something that could work out. Definitely some people are "If I'm not feeling it on the first date that's it," but I feel like most people (especially women looking for LTRs) give things time even when they're really not feeling it just because they are really hoping it could work out, they really want to find someone and they dread the idea of endless first dates with other people. And even then, when they really have to face the fact that they will never be into the person, if the date actually was really enjoyable, "let's be friends!" is often busted out.

So yeah. I don't know about that, I think it must be something else. The first thing that comes to mind is your picture doesn't show crystal clearly what you look like. Or there's something else that isn't revealed until the date, like a debilitating stammer. Or... do you smell good? Good hygiene?

There is no way for us to know. So if I were you I would do a session with a dating coach and find out. Or if that's too pricey or there aren't any where you are, find someone who describes herself in her profile as "outspoken" "opinionated" "straight-shooter" or something like that, and offer to take her to dinner in exchange for her telling me her take on me.
posted by cairdeas at 12:55 AM on February 8 [1 favorite]

When I was online dating, I gave people a second date if I was on the fence, regardless of lightning. I didn't give a second date to the people I already knew I wasn't interested in. So I second that this may not be about immediate chemistry.

On a first date, I'm looking to enjoy spending time with a person and to be interested in finding out more about her.

Do you make her do all the talking? Do you make it all about her? Or do you just sit there like a mute bump on a log until she asks questions about you, and then just wait for her to ask another question about you instead of asking the same question of her, thereby making the conversation all about you? Most people do not feel comfortable talking about themselves through an entire date, or only talking about the other person. Conversation should feel balanced. You may need to put yourself out there a bit more.

I can think of at least one extremely unpleasant date who made me carry the entire conversation by asking questions about him, and who didn't ask a single question about me. They then sent an email asking for a second date before I even made it home from the first one. (This would only have been awesome if I had been super-into the guy. From a guy who I'm "meh" on, it looks desperate and creepy. Give it a few hours, or overnight.) They then responded to my polite "no thanks" email with a whiny email complaining that they only really shined on second dates and nobody gave them a chaaaaance! So, uh, don't do that. (You're not doing that, right?)

How do you treat waiters? Do you tip well?

Are you asking people on a specific date for the second date, and if so, is it something that might be making people uncomfortable? If you ask everyone to take a hike with you for date #2, that might explain things. Taking a hike = being alone with someone you don't know very well in a very secluded place with lots of opportunities for body disposal. I'm sure you're not a creep, but at Date #2 your dates don't know that yet.

Are you setting up first dates which provide a good backdrop for you? If you're good at making conversation, a coffee date could work. If that's not your strong suit, something like bowling, or shooting pool, or wandering through a museum, or taking a walk might be a much better choice -- it gives you both something to talk about/do and gets you moving. Much less room for awkward.

Or it could be that you just haven't met the right person yet. Online dating is the crazy. Good luck!
posted by pie ninja at 4:25 AM on February 8

I could have written your question almost word for word several years ago. At the time I had just started online dating and I had a string of months and months on end where I would only go on first dates and never seem to be able to get beyond that first date. Here are a few things I learned that made it much easier to get second (and later) dates:

1. The purpose of the first date is to find out whether you have fun with the other person. It is NOT to try to get to know the other person on a deep, personal level. That's what later dates are for. Steer clear of deep conversational topics, heavy questions, or anything that resembles trying too hard. Stories are always preferable to questions and dry answers. Do know how to keep the conversation flowing by asking light questions about your date. Try to avoid too much conversation about work/careers. It's good to be interested in what your date does, but for many people their job is really just a way to enable their true passions that they do during their non work time, and they get bored by too many work questions.

2. Try to arrange the first date so that there's not a lot of sitting across from each other at a table. I used to take first dates to coffee or dinner, and now I avoid those as first dates. There's something about being across a table from another person that puts distance as well as pressure on the conversation and makes it feel like an interview. Instead, go for activities where you will be sitting side by side or not sitting at all. Meeting for drinks and sitting at the bar, getting ice cream and sitting on a park bench, going to an art gallery - all these are better than the "sit across from each other and stare" dates. This allows you to be closer if you want (no table in the middle) and you can both stare off into space for a few moments if the conversation lulls. Being across the table means that when conversation flags you have moments of looking at each other without anything to say, and this can feel very awkward.


3. Make sure there is some casual, innocent physical contact during the course of the date. I know some people upthread said that makes them uncomfortable, but in my (straight guy) experience, I got far more positive reactions from making contact than not. By contact I mean maybe a light touch on the arm when you are making a point or a bump or a nudge to get her to notice something. At first you may feel a little awkward with this, but after a while it becomes a more natural part of your conversation.

4. In the early stages of dating, trying too hard is far worse than not trying enough. Both parties need to feel like it's casual, like they're not going to let down the other person or crush them if things don't work out. Give the other person time to breathe. That means not contacting too frequently, giving the other person a day or two or three after the date to process before you set up the next one, etc.

Feel free to message me if you want to talk more about this. Also, remember that there's a huge element of luck in dating - a lot of it is a matter of just happening on that person that you get along with really well, so don't beat yourself up too much over the bad dates.
posted by sherlockt at 11:47 AM on February 8 [5 favorites]

If you're on eHarmony or Match watch out. I have found a number of my female friends who have used or have friends who use those websites, are looking for nothing but chemistry, the *spark* or basically something that makes them want to marry the person sitting across the table from them on the first date. An "instant connection" as some have called it. Now, I know this isn't true of all women on those sites (see: yours truly), but from experience, I've found that there is a niche of them. Not that this is the only type of woman you're tapping into, but it might be.

If you're on OKC, I've found the people on there seem to be more in tune with the whole concept of online dating (not all of them, a lot of them fail, but a large portion seem to get it). You go out once, you grab a drink or do something completely non-threatening, and then you take it from there. There seems to be an understanding that yes, there isn't *magic* on the first meeting, that takes a few dates before you're comfortable enough to let your guard down on such a thing. However those are just my thoughts on just a small smattering of online dating options.

As to why you're not getting second dates, it may have something to do with your profile, the way you present yourself online and in person, and how the conversation goes. Profiles that talk about certain topics, but then those topics don't get discussed on a date, tend to fail - yes, give some of us ladies credit, we do read what you put down - especially if it's something you have in common. Also, if you read and memorize EVERYTHING in a girl's profile, it's one of those things that most women find an instant turn off (no, it's not cute, it's kind of creepy). Ask questions, and don't pretend like you already know this person because, well, you don't. But beware, don't get caught asking too many questions, because if you make the entire date all about her and making her talk, it gets awkward and uncomfortable, kind of like a job interview. And dating is scarier than a job interview.

Total aside: Make sure you're not being the guy who doesn't let the girl get a word in edgewise. I went out with a guy who, while attractive and funny, would ask me questions, let me get about 7 words into my answer and have a "funny" story related to what he thought I was going to say. I'm pretty sure I said less than 50 words that night. Interrupting is totally uncool. Don't be that guy.

So remember, online dating is overwhelming in the grandest sense. So many options, it's hard to focus, but if you plow through, eventually something will pop up and make it worth your while.
posted by bleachandink at 2:01 PM on February 8