Not sure if it's trust or communication that's the problem here.
January 27, 2012 7:08 PM Subscribe
If my boyfriend says he's coming home late by txt, and I want to know more basic information, like who he's hanging out with, maybe also where, how can I communicate my need to know (for my own peace of mind) without coming off as insecure or controlling?
posted by Sa Dec to Human Relations (86 answers total) 14 users marked this as a favorite
I wish I could be the sort of girlfriend who, if he ONLY says "I'll be home late." and nothing else, I'll just say "Cool! Go have fun!" while he drops off the face of the earth for that time. But unfortunately, I start getting anxious when that's all he'll tell me.
My history: Having been cheated on in the past, I do have trust issues which unfortunately bleed over into my current relationship, and while I for the most part think he's the loyal sort who (at least because of his aversion to drama) wouldn't cheat, that 1% of possibility otherwise can freak me out a little in the face of barely any communication or reassurance from him.
I should point out that he's very attractive, charming, and a shade narcissistic, but at the same time, lovable, sweet, and somewhat naive/oblivious when it comes to interpersonal relationships. He lives completely in the moment, and has a preference for logic over feelings. So... I don't know if he understands my problem.
I really want a relationship where he tells me at least basic information so I can just go back to what I was doing in peace, without wondering. He's an efficient guy of few words, so I don't expect bff-level detail at all. Just "I'll be home late. Going out with C. and her friends." Or "working late", something I can picture. Something that indicates that he is ok with me being privy to little details of his life even when I'm not there and it has nothing really to do with me. To me, it's a matter of closeness/intimacy and I'd value that he'd be upfront, instead of sneakily telling me after the fact. I want to be given the chance to trust him on his word.
Once he says more stuff, I feel it is up to ME to trust that. But when he barely says anything... just "I might be home late." and then basically hanging up via text, despite me texting him 1 or 2 questions to find out more, I find it harder to trust him or do anything except feel helpless. I am given the task of making up stories while I wait, and there are too many possibilities and unknowns that it makes me worry privately: "is he hiding something? why? are we not close?" and go into analysis-paralysis.
Am I totally unreasonable, insecure, or controlling to want him to say a little more (especially without me prodding him for it)?
I apologize for such a lengthy tale over nothing. I don't know if this is my issue to get over and just TRUST, or if he and I ought to communicate/compromise more somehow.