Hard man is good to find - help me make him hard
January 13, 2012 5:47 PM Subscribe
My guy has a sex issue I need help with.
My LDR guy has an interesting problem. He is 50 and he has never come except through the use of his own hand. He loves women and the chase, great at phone sex, but when it comes to intercourse, he is often not very hard. He is very particular about hand jobs (death grip required but only on the head, and be very careful with foreskin), blow jobs are okay but not wonderful, but the absolute best thing I can do to turn him on is play with his nipples (which I very happily do) because they are incredibly sensitive.
He was a late starter if that matters, first masturbating in his early 20s, first sex in late 20s. He is fairly vanilla, anal sex does not appeal, but he likes to spank a little, and enjoys (light) dominating fantasies. He really likes large breasts (which happily I have). We have had mutual masturbation in his car and his office (so he’s somewhat adventurous).
He finds his sexual interest in a woman wanes quite quickly after getting her into bed (a couple of months), but regrets this, as he feels he has lost wonderful women who he has been very fond of.
He is very resistant to taking any medication (including antidepressants & Viagra). He sometimes experiences pain in his coccyx during intercourse. He does have depression and anxiety which he ameliorates through exercise and occasional therapy.
I see him about once every 8 weeks, for about a week at a time. I enjoy phone sex with him in the interim, if he’s interested, but he needs to take ‘breathers’ during this, so the calls will last two hours, with conversation in between sexy time.
I find him completely adorable, handsome, very sexy, sweet, and am very careful of his ego, but his semiflaccid penis, while larger than average, does little for me, particularly as I’m usually so turned on by sexy-time with him that I’m very wet.
So questions:
1. Is there some possible medical reason for the coccyx thing that can be sorted?
2. What about the nipple action being better than anything else – is that like some biological wiring issue?
3. Is there something we can do to help maintain his sexual interest in me, given that we get on very well, and are very fond of each other?
4. Any other suggestions?
My LDR guy has an interesting problem. He is 50 and he has never come except through the use of his own hand. He loves women and the chase, great at phone sex, but when it comes to intercourse, he is often not very hard. He is very particular about hand jobs (death grip required but only on the head, and be very careful with foreskin), blow jobs are okay but not wonderful, but the absolute best thing I can do to turn him on is play with his nipples (which I very happily do) because they are incredibly sensitive.
He was a late starter if that matters, first masturbating in his early 20s, first sex in late 20s. He is fairly vanilla, anal sex does not appeal, but he likes to spank a little, and enjoys (light) dominating fantasies. He really likes large breasts (which happily I have). We have had mutual masturbation in his car and his office (so he’s somewhat adventurous).
He finds his sexual interest in a woman wanes quite quickly after getting her into bed (a couple of months), but regrets this, as he feels he has lost wonderful women who he has been very fond of.
He is very resistant to taking any medication (including antidepressants & Viagra). He sometimes experiences pain in his coccyx during intercourse. He does have depression and anxiety which he ameliorates through exercise and occasional therapy.
I see him about once every 8 weeks, for about a week at a time. I enjoy phone sex with him in the interim, if he’s interested, but he needs to take ‘breathers’ during this, so the calls will last two hours, with conversation in between sexy time.
I find him completely adorable, handsome, very sexy, sweet, and am very careful of his ego, but his semiflaccid penis, while larger than average, does little for me, particularly as I’m usually so turned on by sexy-time with him that I’m very wet.
So questions:
1. Is there some possible medical reason for the coccyx thing that can be sorted?
2. What about the nipple action being better than anything else – is that like some biological wiring issue?
3. Is there something we can do to help maintain his sexual interest in me, given that we get on very well, and are very fond of each other?
4. Any other suggestions?
Have him stop masturbating for a week or longer, if possible.
Work his nipples while he's having intercourse with you...that's probably going to help him more than anything else.
Be patient.
posted by xingcat at 6:04 PM on January 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
Work his nipples while he's having intercourse with you...that's probably going to help him more than anything else.
Be patient.
posted by xingcat at 6:04 PM on January 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
Has he had his prostate checked? Age 50, pain near coccyx, ...
posted by scruss at 6:08 PM on January 13, 2012 [11 favorites]
posted by scruss at 6:08 PM on January 13, 2012 [11 favorites]
3.) No, it seems there's no way to simply *will* someone who suffers from some level of sexual dysfunction to *not* be dysfunctional. And the possibility that he could leave you just because he's slept with you for awhile seems like something you can't overcome through awesomeness and understanding. Obviously, you sounds pretty GGG and willing to work it out. This is his problem, and it is a REAL one, not simply a matter of incompatible tastes or interests.
Does he realizes he has issues? Is he willing to work on them? Honestly, he sounds like he really needs solo sexual therapy. You sound ridiculously accommodating-- that could be a wonderful or a bad thing depending on how willing he is to work on his sexual dysfunction.
Whatever you do, don't think you're the problem!
posted by devymetal at 6:26 PM on January 13, 2012 [5 favorites]
Does he realizes he has issues? Is he willing to work on them? Honestly, he sounds like he really needs solo sexual therapy. You sound ridiculously accommodating-- that could be a wonderful or a bad thing depending on how willing he is to work on his sexual dysfunction.
Whatever you do, don't think you're the problem!
posted by devymetal at 6:26 PM on January 13, 2012 [5 favorites]
the nipple thing isn't that weird. people have all sorts of odd pleasure spots. i've know a few guys who can get off just by having their ears licked the right way. i know some others that are pretty nipple-centric. i knew a girl that'd writhe if you licked her between the big toe and the second toe. another one could come just by getting her hair brushed. the skin is a pretty amazing organ.
posted by nadawi at 6:39 PM on January 13, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by nadawi at 6:39 PM on January 13, 2012 [3 favorites]
I'd make him stop masturbating for a while see if that helped. Make it a game a week or two before you get there he stops the masturbating and you ring him up and tease him unmercifully on the phone every night, maybe getting him to play with his nipples instead of his penis. Then when you arrive hopefully the pump will be primed and ready to go.
If he watches a lot of porn get him to stop looking at that. I'd suggest that maybe he has desensitized his penis with all the masturbating, well not only his penis but his mind too, he his brain and willy trained now that if he does this, this and this then he can get off with a minimum of effort.
To keep him interested keep him wanting a bit, which might also help your other problems.
Oh and the nipple thing isn't weird at all, many years ago I knew a guy that could come from just playing with them and would boast of it. Just work the nipple play into your sex life, there are all sorts of fun nipple toys out there from little suctiony things that just add a little pressure to nipple clamps and the like. Work with what you've got is my motto.
posted by wwax at 7:09 PM on January 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
If he watches a lot of porn get him to stop looking at that. I'd suggest that maybe he has desensitized his penis with all the masturbating, well not only his penis but his mind too, he his brain and willy trained now that if he does this, this and this then he can get off with a minimum of effort.
To keep him interested keep him wanting a bit, which might also help your other problems.
Oh and the nipple thing isn't weird at all, many years ago I knew a guy that could come from just playing with them and would boast of it. Just work the nipple play into your sex life, there are all sorts of fun nipple toys out there from little suctiony things that just add a little pressure to nipple clamps and the like. Work with what you've got is my motto.
posted by wwax at 7:09 PM on January 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
Generally, this is a psychological issue. You can prove it by having him masturbate himself gently to orgasm. The cure is usually talk therapy.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:17 PM on January 13, 2012
posted by Ironmouth at 8:17 PM on January 13, 2012
It may just be a matter of conditioning--if he was a late bloomer who stuck to one reliable method of masturbation for most of his early sexual life, then he's conditioned his sex drive to only respond to that particular stimulus. According to Dan Savage, the thing to do is to start mixing up the masturbation--switching hands, positions, etc.-- until he's been exposed to enough alternate methods for success that he can become more comfortable with the variety to break the habit.
Therapy may eventually need to come into the picture, but this is an easy enough thing to try at home first.
posted by elizeh at 9:27 PM on January 13, 2012
Therapy may eventually need to come into the picture, but this is an easy enough thing to try at home first.
posted by elizeh at 9:27 PM on January 13, 2012
My ex had a similar problem... in that the death grip was such an ingrained thing for him that "lovemaking" (aka slow, sweet, and gentle) did absolutely nothing for him and he would often just randomly go flacid. Sometimes if we took a break for an hour or two, he could start again but generally that was the end of things.
Basically the only way he can really be satisfied by sex is when its hard and rough (which, luckily, I was okay with until he forgot what foreplay was... lol).
posted by myShanon at 9:41 PM on January 13, 2012
Basically the only way he can really be satisfied by sex is when its hard and rough (which, luckily, I was okay with until he forgot what foreplay was... lol).
posted by myShanon at 9:41 PM on January 13, 2012
It sounds like he needs to do two things:
a) Stop jerking it until your next visit, and then make you his only sexual release. This would be a lot easier if you weren't in a long distance thing, because it puts a lot of pressure on those short visits; when you are living in the same place it's no big deal if things don't work tonight because there is always next week. Retraining one's body can take a long time, so think of this more as a long-term project rather than as a quick fix.
b) See a doctor (ideally one with a specialization in dudes' private parts, but a GP will do fine) to make sure there aren't serious prostate or other issues. Pain during sex means you get your ass to a doctor, period. Yes, it's embarrassing, and yes, the exam might be uncomfortable -- but tough shit, sometimes you have to man up and deal.
Those are the things he needs to do to show he is serious about trying to get you what you need. There's no guarantee that either of those will solve the issues, but they are mandatory first steps. If he won't do it, you know he isn't serious about pleasing you. You've been incredibly flexible and generous, and he needs to meet you halfway.
posted by Forktine at 10:02 PM on January 13, 2012 [5 favorites]
a) Stop jerking it until your next visit, and then make you his only sexual release. This would be a lot easier if you weren't in a long distance thing, because it puts a lot of pressure on those short visits; when you are living in the same place it's no big deal if things don't work tonight because there is always next week. Retraining one's body can take a long time, so think of this more as a long-term project rather than as a quick fix.
b) See a doctor (ideally one with a specialization in dudes' private parts, but a GP will do fine) to make sure there aren't serious prostate or other issues. Pain during sex means you get your ass to a doctor, period. Yes, it's embarrassing, and yes, the exam might be uncomfortable -- but tough shit, sometimes you have to man up and deal.
Those are the things he needs to do to show he is serious about trying to get you what you need. There's no guarantee that either of those will solve the issues, but they are mandatory first steps. If he won't do it, you know he isn't serious about pleasing you. You've been incredibly flexible and generous, and he needs to meet you halfway.
posted by Forktine at 10:02 PM on January 13, 2012 [5 favorites]
I can't address the rest of it, but yeah, nipple toys. Some guys are definitely wired like that.
posted by desjardins at 8:34 AM on January 14, 2012
posted by desjardins at 8:34 AM on January 14, 2012
He seems to have trained himself to come just 1 way. Start giving him hand jobs, blow jobs, etc., and ask him to stop masturbating. Many people find anal and nipple stimulation quite exciting, with or without toys. Once he gets new habits of being turned on by more variety, he may be able to stay erect. Or not, but you can have fun trying.
Isn't this pretty much why ED meds were invented?
Plenty of women have difficulty coming via penetrative sex, and their caring partners learn to adapt, both to satisfy their partner as well as themselves.
posted by theora55 at 2:29 PM on January 15, 2012
Isn't this pretty much why ED meds were invented?
Plenty of women have difficulty coming via penetrative sex, and their caring partners learn to adapt, both to satisfy their partner as well as themselves.
posted by theora55 at 2:29 PM on January 15, 2012
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This is not an age issue. This is a death grip issue, with side issues pertaining to interest possibly being a porn issue. His first port of call is to re-work his grip, and if he wants to be able to have a mutal relationship with another person, possibly give his porn use a serious look.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:02 PM on January 13, 2012 [12 favorites]