Death grip has me in a tight spot.

August 8, 2009 5:49 PM

How can I resensitize my penis after excessive masturbating? (NSFW)

Over the past year and a half, I've been masturbating daily to porn. Unfortunately for me, I use a death grip. I also don't use lotion or lube when jacking.

I also started taking SSRI's, which made it harder for me to cum. Thus, my death grip got even tighter.

I've now met a lady, and she wants to have sex. Unfortunately, at this point, I don't think I can orgasm without the death grip.

How can I resensitize myself so I can have sex with my new lady?

For followups, please contact me at chronicmast at gmail.com

posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (15 answers total)

Stop masturbating for a few weeks. Have fun with your new friend, but keep your own personal orgasmic expectations low.
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 5:53 PM on August 8, 2009

I'm guessing the no-lotion bit really hasn't helped, at least if you're circumcised.
Cuddle a lot and stop masturbating for a while.
It'll get better, but it'll take patience on both your parts.
posted by dunkadunc at 5:54 PM on August 8, 2009

Stop jerking off. Also, stop equating sex with orgasm for you.
posted by Bora Horza Gobuchul at 5:59 PM on August 8, 2009 [7 favorites]

The real problem is likely the SSRIs not the masturbating.
posted by glider at 6:04 PM on August 8, 2009 [1 favorite]

Try this hilarious thing for awhile. [NSFW] (Wear briefs so it won't fall off and out through your pants leg which someone might notice and you'd never recover from the embarrassment.) And, like everyone says, you need to masturbate less frequently (temporarily) and more gently (permanently).

And enjoy the fact that you can be extremely sensuous, creative, attentive and/or perhaps aggressive during foreplay and sex without worrying about coming too soon.
posted by zeek321 at 6:10 PM on August 8, 2009 [1 favorite]

SSRIs can be a major problem in this regard; the usual solution is to try a different SSRI, or add buproprion (the generic for Wellbutrin). Talk to your doc - it's a very common problem for both men and women on antidepressants, and it's usually not hard to fix.
posted by spaceman_spiff at 6:13 PM on August 8, 2009

From Dan Savage: "You'll have to swear off the death grip forever, ABF, if you want your dick to respond to more subtle sensations. When you jerk off, use a light touch and let it take as long as necessary--and it may take a while. When you're with a woman, fuck her brains out and give her orgasms galore, and when it's time for you to come--the moment you're used to taking matters into your own hands and finishing yourself off with the death grip--force yourself to use her body or her mouth or her pussy, or, if you must use your own hand, use that same light touch you've been practicing with when you beat off. If you don't come, well, tough shit, you don't get to come. To avoid giving the women you're with complexes, warn them in advance that you're trying to retrain your dick. While this approach may be frustrating in the short run, in the long run only this approach--a light touch, a firm resolve, and consistent denial--will kick your dick's dormant nerve endings into gear."
posted by glibhamdreck at 6:47 PM on August 8, 2009 [3 favorites]

To avoid giving the women you're with complexes, warn them in advance that you're trying to retrain your dick.

This, please. I'd guess every woman has read about men and the death-grip problem. Please give her a heads-up (heh) about what's going on, because it's really good to know.
posted by Houstonian at 6:57 PM on August 8, 2009

warn them in advance that you're trying to retrain your dick.

or, if that's a little too embarrassing, you can just explain that the new prescription makes it hard for you to come. Make sure she comes and has a good time, and I'm sure she'll be understanding.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 8:20 PM on August 8, 2009 [1 favorite]

And enjoy the fact that you can be extremely sensuous, creative, attentive and/or perhaps aggressive during foreplay and sex without worrying about coming too soon.

And why don't you try being sensuous, creative, and attentive when you're having sex with yourself, too. Basically what you're doing is mashing the buttons on the controller instead of ever really learning how to play the game.
posted by hermitosis at 9:55 PM on August 8, 2009 [9 favorites]

I'd guess every woman has read about men and the death-grip problem.

One of the worst assumptions you can make is that anyone has "read about" any particular thing. I've met several women, sexually active for years, who were clueless about things that I've always considered really basic parts of male sexuality. Assume nothing.
posted by Tomorrowful at 10:37 PM on August 8, 2009 [7 favorites]

Take more SSRIs. Stop masturbating entirely.

My experience - personal experience - is that the effort which masturbating to completion through the SSRI haze requires is probably pretty unhealthy, not only for the penis but, well, for your heart and everything else. It's not fucking easy, is it?

It sounds scary, or maybe odd, I know, but just dose up a little and give it a rest for a few weeks. The sensitivity'll come back, believe me.
posted by koeselitz at 2:02 AM on August 9, 2009

Okay, that came out a bit wrong -

I didn't mean stop mastubating forever - just for two or three weeks. That'll bring the sensitivity back.
posted by koeselitz at 2:05 AM on August 9, 2009

Considering how little many people know about their own bits and bobs I would never take for granted that they know anything about how other peoples work.
posted by Iteki at 2:10 AM on August 9, 2009

I've been on and off SSRIs at various points during my sexual lifetime, and this is something I've dealt with effectively (luckily, I'm engaged and won't have to explain this ever again). Here's my approach:

1) Communicate openly but briefly - "Hey, so I don't always come during sex, it's no big deal to me, but it happens. Don't worry about me, I promise I'm having fun." Depending on context, she can ask for more details, or you can explain more later. Most of all, if it's no big deal to you, make sure that she understands that.
2) Be GGG and take advantage of the situation. You'll be able to last for as long as she can or as long as you want. With no expectations for your orgasm, you can be free to have fun and explore things that might not have been possibilities. Ever show a girl that she is, in fact, multiply orgasmic? She'll thank you for it. Caveat lector: make sure she's comfortable telling you that she's done, even if you haven't come yet - you don't want her to get bored/sore.
3) Masturbate less frequently - I don't know if I'm an outlier in this, but if I don't achieve some release every 3rd day or so, I get very sore in the man parts. This means that I have to "schedule" when I have alone time given my partner's wants/needs. This may not be an issue for you, but I've been with women whose libidos were lower than mine, and it took some attention to make sure I was ready when I predicted she would be.
4) Select my porn based on my partner's proclivities - This may sound weird, but I find it's easier to get off when there's an association between my partner's wants/desires and the porn I've been consuming. She likes to get tied up? Well, I've been relieving myself to bondage porn and hey-presto, this is just like that but in real life!

There go my chances of being preznit
posted by TheNewWazoo at 8:27 AM on August 9, 2009