How to have sex when you suffer from eurotophobia
December 3, 2011 10:48 AM Subscribe
I want to have sex with my boyfriend for the first time, but I have an extreme phobic reaction to both genitalia and vaginal penetration. How can I possibly overcome this?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (44 answers total) 11 users marked this as a favorite
I'm a twenty-one-year-old virgin, and when I visit my long-distance boyfriend again in a few weeks, I would like to have sex with him for the first time. We have been friends for five years and romantically involved for three, so we have a strong and loving relationship. My boyfriend has never put any pressure on me, but I would like to do something special for him because he deserves it. Also, of course, I'm extremely sexually attracted to him (being highly aroused and unable to stop kissing and caressing him when we're together), and I'd really like to take things to the next level.
The problem? For as long as I can remember, I've suffered from a terrible phobia of genitalia and of penetration. Even to this day, I cannot view textbook-style drawings of female or male genitalia, much less my own actual anatomy, without shuddering from extreme disgust and fear and quickly looking away. I've finally grown somewhat used to the sight of my boyfriend's own sexual anatomy, despite finding it hard to look at for long, but the idea of touching or seeing my own genitalia is far worse yet. Somehow I find female genitalia much more revolting.
Despite occasional attempts over the years, I have also never successfully gone so far as to insert a tampon for this reason. Whenever I try, I can barely get the tampon's tip inside my vaginal opening without starting to cry, frozen by fear and frustrated by my inability to do what almost every other female my age (and many much younger) can. I am not sure if this might be a conditioned response related to a trans-vaginal sonogram performed on me by a gynecologist when I was fifteen, which was one of the most frightening and physically painful experiences of my life. In any case, while I suspect my hymen is probably torn due to that experience, I seriously doubt I will be able to fit a penis inside my vagina if I cannot even bring myself to put a tampon in. My powerful disgust-and-fear response to vaginal penetration will surely pose a tremendous barrier to sexual intercourse, for psychological if not for physical reasons.
What can I do to overcome my phobias or hang-ups, and to work toward being able to attempt sexual intercourse with the man I love? I would guess that some sort of self-administered systematic desensitization or exposure therapy would be most appropriate for my situation, but right now my fear reaction is so strong and powerful (I can't even look at or touch myself for more than a second) that I don't know how to begin. Do you know of any resources that could help me with this? Websites would be my preference, provided they don't contain prominent and unavoidable images of the objects of my fear. I would also be interested in any books you could recommend, or any personal experiences or perspectives you could share that might help me.
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