Hands-free orgasms? Oh, ye lucky few...

March 8, 2008 12:35 PM

Help me orgasm from just penetrative sex? Of course there's more inside (wink wink.) [NSFW]

So, my boyfriend of several months and I are having fantastic, protected sex that makes both of us feel great. We've even orgasmed simultaneously several times with the help of a vibrator, which was, of course, amazing, and he's very generous with hands and lips and lavishes me with attention.

However, recently, an interested thing has started happening: I am becoming more and more sensitive to penetration-only sex, and it's feeling better and better. In fact, I am often on teetering on the very, very edge of coming solely from penetration. I've tried clitoral stimulation on top of this and, while it's nice, it doesn't give me that extra push, simply because it doesn't feel quite like what I want. Relevant details: we are both young (college age), he is larger than average and uncircumcised, neither of us has been with many partners but we seem to be very, very compatible. Condoms are birth control of choice.

So, the question is, ladies and gents: how do we throw me off the cliff, so to speak? How do we get squeeze (hee) out that last drop (hee) of sensation that will give me a hands-free mind-blowing orgasm? Advice for either party would be greatly appreciated, and may you all have fantastic sex in the months to come.

posted by WidgetAlley to human relations (19 comments total)

You're thinking too much. Focus only on the sensations in your body. Forget he's even there. It'll happen. Stop thinking.
posted by loiseau at 12:43 PM on March 8

Straddle him, lean forward (i.e., don't sit upright) and go to town. You get to rub against him in the right rhythm, and... off you'll go. Helps (me, anyway) if he presses on your lower back a bit - I like the pressure. And maybe a finger in the ass, kind of pulsing in the rhythm you squeeze when you come - but that is an advanced lesson, grasshopper. Otherwise, he does not have to do much.

Forget about the simultaneous orgasms. I mean, sure, it's fun, but way better to enjoy the fuckin' and let it just happen by chance the one in a bajillion times it does...

Finally... not really what you asked, but consider oral. Lots and lots of oral. Mmmmmmmmmm....oral.
posted by juliewhite at 12:51 PM on March 8

Here is a suggestion for a position that aims his cock directly at your g-spot and gives you complete control over how hard and fast you get it, sorry if this is incomprehensible or totally obvious:

He kneels with his legs together.

You, laying on your back, straddle his lap, legs on either side of him. Lower and raise yourself on his lap.
posted by Juliet Banana at 12:55 PM on March 8

Sorry, I should probably add that our sex lives are in no way riding on me achieving this, it would just be kind of nice. We're both already having the best sex of our admittedly young lives. So it's hardly a crisis situation, simply something that would be cool to have happen.

Juliet: sounds good. Am I facing him or with my back to him during these proceedings? Also, not sure how I lower or raise myself when I'm lying down?
posted by WidgetAlley at 12:59 PM on March 8

I've never seen this recommended anywhere else, but it's always been great for me (and my guy is larger than average and uncut also). Let's see if I can describe it without a diagram.

Him, on his back, possibly cushion under butt.

You: on top, straddling to get started. Once he's in, and after you've had lots of fun up there, lean forward over him, and slide your knees backwards, so you end up lying on top of him with your legs straight.

Then, and this is the counterintuitive part: bring your legs together. You end up with your legs right on top of his legs, like you're each other's mirror image. He may have to push right up to stay in place. And you have to push your pelvis right down into his. You can then kind of rock backwards and forwards, lengthways (anchored by....well, by him). You might even hook your feet on to his for leverage. Anyway, if you can find your groove like this, it works like a charm!

I think it works because you're not just getting vaginal or clitoral stimulation, you're getting both, but perfectly synchronised (as they come from the same movement of your hips). If you can manage it, it's very powerful.

It may be the case that I'm describing basic missionary, but I don't think it's quite the same, somehow.
posted by tiny crocodile at 1:19 PM on March 8 [1 favorite]

Took me a minute to sort through the anon postings, but you might want to read this thread. - Not saying you don't have rhythm, but there are definitely some comments that might help your situation.
posted by B(oYo)BIES at 1:23 PM on March 8

If you are willing to consider changing birth control, losing the condom could give you that extra push. Sex with an intact penis is phenomenal, but you can't feel the difference through a condom.
posted by happyturtle at 1:47 PM on March 8

Nipple stimulation works for my partner.

While still thrusting, have him suck on your nipple and tweak the other one.

It's actually fairly difficult to keep the timing right, do the nipple thing and not climax before her, but when it all works out it is quite gratifying.

Good luck.
posted by anonymous account at 1:52 PM on March 8

Has no one mentioned kegels yet? If you aren't doing them regularly, and during sex, give them a try.

As suggested in the thread linked by B(oYo)BIES, rhythm is where it's at, and whomever is on top bears some responsibility for finding what will work. Different people need different things -- sometimes that means keeping the same rhythm for a long time; sometimes it means alternating fast and slow, or building the tempo, or whatever. For example, my partner is guaranteed to come if I change the pace like this: normal normal (...) normal, sloooow sloooow sloooow, hardhardhard -- that slow and deep interlude switching to fast and hard tips the balance for her. Obviously everyone is different, but if you find what works for you, and can communicate that to your guy, you are set.

And you are on the right track when you talk about needing "that extra push" -- that extra sensation can come from a lot of different directions: clitoral, nipples, butthole, changing the angle of penetration, etc. For example, just taking missionary position sex, if he slides his body a bit up yours, his thrusts will rub in very different places than if he is further down (where you want to be maximize depth). Your legs inside or outside of his change how it feels, too, as does putting a pillow under your hips. Experiment with grinding vs thrusting, too, or alternating between the two. And other positions have just as much flexibility -- you on top, from behind, on your sides, etc. Small changes (of angle, of position, of where you put your hands) make big changes in how it feels.

Sometimes the "extra" for going over the edge can come from what I guess you might call 'muscle tension', such as having your hands pinned or tied above your head and you are pulling against that resistance, or the reverse: holding his wrists as he "struggles." Either way, it's a way to let your entire body carry and release the tension of the sex, not just your genitals.
posted by Forktine at 1:53 PM on March 8

Go together to the health center, or a clinic, and get tested for STD's once the results come back and assuming they are all clear, you get on birth control and he stops using a condom. I am in favor of safe sex, but assuming you are both faithful to the other, and you are diligent about birth control on your end, then it is much nicer without a condom.

Sex with a condom is sort of like eating candy with the wrapper on.

But some women react to hormones differently and you may find that birth control isnt for you, so in that case use the above suggestions, or do both.
posted by BobbyDigital at 2:11 PM on March 8

You are not in a race. Just enjoy what is happening. One day, after you've basically forgotten about your goal, boom!
posted by Ironmouth at 4:00 PM on March 8

If you've only used latex condoms give the poly ones a try, the heat transfer is much better.
posted by Mitheral at 4:07 PM on March 8

one of my ex's could *only* orgasm via the method mentioned by tiny crocodile, except she prefered if i spread my legs - it kinda seemed to turn into this gender reversal thing for her. i didn't mind, and she got off, so cool.

another ex and i started to have simultanious orgasms almost every time, after about 2 years of great sex (we almost never had them simultaniously before that point). we would generally start with oral, up to the point of near-but-not-quite orgasm, then sex for 15-20 minutes, then my orgasm triggered hers every time. i worried for a minute that she was faking it for some reason, but i always got her off previously via oral, and she insisted i stop taking her over the edge orally cause she preferred this way, and i couldn't believe she was refusing real orgasms just to fake it! plus, i could totally feel it happening.

sorry if that's too much information?

anyway, i kinda think it was the condom-free, coming inside bit that pushed her over the edge, it's one of the main changes between our early sex lives and the simultanious-orgasm phase. fact: condom free sex is one of the big bonuses in long-term, trusting, monogamous relationships. it almost makes up for having to go to their relative's weddings!
posted by messiahwannabe at 10:19 PM on March 8

ps. this totally started happening without any sort of planning - i'm not actually sure you can make it happen?
posted by messiahwannabe at 10:20 PM on March 8

Consider what sort of foreplay is involved:

In my experience, oral (clitoral) sex "foreplays into" a clitoral-focused-orgasm.

Finger play, especially penetrative, and especially involving the g-spot, leads to a penetrative orgasm.

No vaginal play at all, with two patient partners and the ability to produce natural lubrication on the fly after some kissing/petting (some women are more fortunate than others) leads to rapid penetrative orgasm...in my experience, with a single partner of 9 years. YMMV!

If you get very wet easily, and the condoms are lubricated, you may actually have too much lubrication going on. The purpose of the lube / natural fluid is to achieve the ideal amount of friction, but not to annihilate it entirely. Plain ol' missionary might do the trick if the guy is patient and will vary his rhythm and trajectory to meet your specifications (heh), and as long as you communicate to him that he should "keep doing THAT," so long as he understands exactly what "THAT" is and is patient enough to maintain it.

And, certainly, working towards a condom-free situation will pay off for you.

It should pay off for him too :) Just be patient if he's like "some people" and finds it especially intense the first few, or dozen times. That just means daily practice is necessary.
posted by lordaych at 11:20 PM on March 8

Look up "coital alignment position", which is a bit like the man-on-top version of tiny crocodile's position in that it replaces thrusting with a gentle close-up rocking movement.
posted by tomcooke at 3:27 AM on March 9

He kneels with his legs together.

You, laying on your back, straddle his lap, legs on either side of him. Lower and raise yourself on his lap.

You are facing him. If you were sitting upright you'd be sitting on his lap with your legs wrapped around him; however, you're leaning back. Your weight is distributed on your upper back and your feet. You are using your legs to move yourself up and down. He's just sitting/kneeling, and you're kind of crabwalking onto his crotch (oh god that was the least sexy way to describe anything, ever).

I would offer to draw you a diagram but I already owe so many people dirty pictures I only have the time for shoddy MSPaints.
posted by Juliet Banana at 3:49 AM on March 9

whomever is on top bears some responsibility for finding what will work

This isn't my experience. My experience is that women, regardless of their position, invariably figure out what works for them in this situation, and then use me like some enormous dildo until they get to the place where they want to go.

My role in all this seems to be limited to getting them to a place where it's possible for them to accomplish this with a minimum of time and effort. That's where the foreplay, rhythm, position, etc. all helps.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 6:59 AM on March 9

Wow, like a good mefi I was looking for the answer to my question before asking, but the above comment made me sad. Sad things either make me cry or comment. I do a lot of commenting.

Peter, you need to find a better class of women.

I don't want to sound sexist or anything, but women generally aren't in a hurry to get there in my limited experience.

And I really really doubt these women see you as a replacement for a dildo (even an enormous one). Believe me, it would be much easier to go the other way around! No matter how big you think you are, believe me, they make bigger dildos. No matter how good you think you are, a woman can get there faster without you in the room.

If I am wrong, you have a huge future in porn, my man!
posted by cjorgensen at 5:53 PM on June 1