So why don't you just adopt?
November 29, 2011 8:54 AM Subscribe
Adoption after infertility and loss: how did you reconcile the grief of not conceiving a biological child and come to find joy in the process of adopting?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (14 answers total) 16 users marked this as a favorite
After nearly a decade (yes) of infertility, multiple losses, ART, acupuncture, highly specific diet hacks, prayer, voodoo, reverse-psychology, self-deception, reconciling to child-free living (then surprise spontaneous pregnancy and another loss), more ART, self-help groups, real therapy, real therapy with an infertility specialist, and so on, we've FINALLY moved on to adoption.
And, excited as I am about the prospect of finally having a child of my own (in roughly 6 to 36 months, depending on how long it takes for a birthmother to select us)... I'm having trouble reconciling the loss of not having a child biologically. Mefites who have have experienced infertility and/or loss and have gone on to adopt: how did you cope with that transition from trying to have a biological child to accepting that you would need someone else to give you their child to raise as your own?
Adoption, of course, is a ultimately a joyful thing, but the process itself is grueling and fraught with challenges of all variety. From an emotional standpoint, there is so much to you have to let go of to accept this new reality. You won't be able to watch those hereditary characteristics from both sides of the family develop in this new little person. You won't be able to say, 'you're just like so and so' to your kid. You'll never have the security that your 'claim' on your child is fully yours. You'll always know that that there's a potential mysterious 'other' parent/s out there who might be more appealing than you. You'll always know that someone else shares this incredible bond with your child. You'll always know that there was heartbreak involved in this child's journey into being. You'll always know that this wasn't initially your first choice.
I've done the work to get to where we are right now. I've read the books, talked to the right people, and I know this is the path that we're going to (happily) take. But. There's still that lingering, longing hope that we'll eventually succeed on our own someday, and that scares me, because I never want my child to even get the remotest hint that they weren't as wanted / longed for / hoped for as a biological child. The adoption specialists like to say that adoption doesn't cure infertility, but it does cure childlessness. So, how do you reconcile this alternative path towards parenthood -- acknowledging that there is great loss, even in the joy of bringing this new little being into your home and heart?
PLEASE: this is anonymous because adoption and infertility are highly personal and potentially volatile subjects which people have all kinds of opinions about. Yes, we're certain that adoption is the right path towards parenthood for us -- please don't suggest that we're not ready or haven't fully resolved issues of infertility and loss.