Love and Landmines
November 20, 2011 9:36 AM Subscribe
Falling for a woman. She just told me she just got out of a long term relationship (2+ years, ended this July) and wants to stay single for a while and work on herself because she always rushes into relationships. We've agreed things have been so easy, nice and right between us (3 weeks, 5-6 GOOD dates in), but she was very clear she does not want a committed relationship. I feel myself heading towards wanting just that. Am I headed to The Bad Place if I keep hanging out with her?
I am totally falling for her. I tend to fall hard. Things have been so nice, an instant connection/spark. She wants to stay single, but loves hanging out with me. I'm pretty sure if I keep seeing her, I will only get more connected. My gut says this will end in heartbreak for me. Do I just stop seeing her all together? What are my other options?
I am totally falling for her. I tend to fall hard. Things have been so nice, an instant connection/spark. She wants to stay single, but loves hanging out with me. I'm pretty sure if I keep seeing her, I will only get more connected. My gut says this will end in heartbreak for me. Do I just stop seeing her all together? What are my other options?
Three weeks? Get out, for both your sakes. Even if she says "fuck it, he's great, I'll get into this relationship anyway," she'll be starting things off with you in a way she's doesn't want to but can't help but. If this was months and months in, yeah, it's not so bad, but three weeks? Let this woman grow the way she needs to grow. And that's without you.
posted by griphus at 9:44 AM on November 20, 2011
posted by griphus at 9:44 AM on November 20, 2011
Response by poster: Why are you going on "dates" if she has made it clear she doesn't want a committed relationship
I should clarify: she literally JUST told me this, like a couple hours ago.
posted by 3FLryan at 9:44 AM on November 20, 2011
I should clarify: she literally JUST told me this, like a couple hours ago.
posted by 3FLryan at 9:44 AM on November 20, 2011
Only you know whether this would work for you, but can you date her less seriously? In other words, don't go out more than about once a week, don't sleep together or get overly physical, choose fun, active activities instead of long, romantic dinners where you stare into one another's eyes and talk about your hopes and dreams. If this will work for you, it might let you hang out with her without falling for her. However, if you think that won't work, I think you need to stop seeing her unless and until she wants what you want. Continuing to get closer with her and deepen your feelings when she's not ready for that will, inevitably, end in heartbreak.
posted by decathecting at 9:46 AM on November 20, 2011
posted by decathecting at 9:46 AM on November 20, 2011
Stay away...this is bad news, the story doesn't end well! As for other options, what about taking things online and just catching up every once in a while?
posted by misspony at 9:47 AM on November 20, 2011
posted by misspony at 9:47 AM on November 20, 2011
I do think this is headed toward heartbreak and it would be best for you to cut things off now.
This will be hard because you're having good dates and you like her. I don't know if I would be able to do it. But if you don't, this likely ends badly for you. I don't know what she's thinking (although I have a lot of theories), but she literally told you that she doesn't want a relationship with you.
posted by J. Wilson at 9:47 AM on November 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
This will be hard because you're having good dates and you like her. I don't know if I would be able to do it. But if you don't, this likely ends badly for you. I don't know what she's thinking (although I have a lot of theories), but she literally told you that she doesn't want a relationship with you.
posted by J. Wilson at 9:47 AM on November 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
Full disclosure: I was in a situation very close to this, but we ended up breaking it off after six months rather than three weeks. It was like a knife through the heart for the both of us. I never managed to really get over her.
Double full disclosure: ...although we ended up getting back together six months after that break-up and are still together almost two years later and rather in love. That's nothing to gamble on, though.
posted by griphus at 9:48 AM on November 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
Double full disclosure: ...although we ended up getting back together six months after that break-up and are still together almost two years later and rather in love. That's nothing to gamble on, though.
posted by griphus at 9:48 AM on November 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
I am going to disagree with my learned AskMe colleagues. I have had any number of female and male (it seems to happen more often with women but confirmation bias, etc) acquaintances and friends come out of long-term relationships, swear off getting into one again in a hurry and then find themselves perfectly happy to start one within a short period of time. Some people really are serial monogamists and will go from one to another relatively quickly. You won't be able to tell if the person in question is one of these until you suck it and see.
posted by biffa at 9:53 AM on November 20, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by biffa at 9:53 AM on November 20, 2011 [3 favorites]
On second thought, I want to float a couple theories about what she might be thinking. It might help you make up your mind about what you want to do.
One, she could be thinking exactly what she told you: she should work on herself and not jump into a relationship. If she does need that time and space, she's not ready for a relationship (which is what you want), so this isn't a good idea. Or, she could be nervous about jumping into a relationship but likes you enough that she will come around, as biffa has suggested. That could possibly work out.
Two, she could be thinking she doesn't want a relationship with you. She could be letting you down gently (by telling you this will just be a fling or a casual thing) or she could be unsure for reasons she can't articulate, but again, this doesn't work out well.
posted by J. Wilson at 10:01 AM on November 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
One, she could be thinking exactly what she told you: she should work on herself and not jump into a relationship. If she does need that time and space, she's not ready for a relationship (which is what you want), so this isn't a good idea. Or, she could be nervous about jumping into a relationship but likes you enough that she will come around, as biffa has suggested. That could possibly work out.
Two, she could be thinking she doesn't want a relationship with you. She could be letting you down gently (by telling you this will just be a fling or a casual thing) or she could be unsure for reasons she can't articulate, but again, this doesn't work out well.
posted by J. Wilson at 10:01 AM on November 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
If she really does jump from relationship to relationship, she probably doesn't know exactly how to date without being relationshippy. If you also want a more intimate and close relationship, then what you two are going to wind up with is a not-serious relationship in name only. If I were you, I'd ask her exactly what the not-serious dating relationship she wants with you looks like, and ask her exactly what the boundaries are. If it is fuzzy or unclear, I'd wish her the best and encourage her to date someone more on the same page. If the boundaries are clear but you feel you'll get hurt, be very, very honest with yourself. Protecting yourself from heartbreak is strength, not weakness. Don't forget that! Good luck to you both!
posted by pazazygeek at 10:02 AM on November 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by pazazygeek at 10:02 AM on November 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
I should clarify: she literally JUST told me this, like a couple hours ago.
If she just told you this, after three weeks and 6 good dates, she is probably trying to gently let you down.
I think you should tell her that you thank her for her honesty, but you are in a different place and you need a time-out or something. By all means try for a friendship once your feelings subside (if she is up for it and if this an option for you), but for right now, it's most likely best for you if you withdraw. Unequitted infatuation, or unrequited hopes and dreams for a common future are all hard to deal with, so stop this now.
posted by miorita at 10:03 AM on November 20, 2011 [11 favorites]
If she just told you this, after three weeks and 6 good dates, she is probably trying to gently let you down.
I think you should tell her that you thank her for her honesty, but you are in a different place and you need a time-out or something. By all means try for a friendship once your feelings subside (if she is up for it and if this an option for you), but for right now, it's most likely best for you if you withdraw. Unequitted infatuation, or unrequited hopes and dreams for a common future are all hard to deal with, so stop this now.
posted by miorita at 10:03 AM on November 20, 2011 [11 favorites]
Man, reading AskMe has convinced me that no phrase has caused more pain in the history of humanity than "I can't be in a relationship right now."
You will save yourself a ton of heartbreak over the course of your life if you always mentally replace "I can't be in a relationship right now" with "I don't want to date you."
posted by Ragged Richard at 10:04 AM on November 20, 2011 [23 favorites]
You will save yourself a ton of heartbreak over the course of your life if you always mentally replace "I can't be in a relationship right now" with "I don't want to date you."
posted by Ragged Richard at 10:04 AM on November 20, 2011 [23 favorites]
I think this is her very polite way of telling you she doesn't want a relationship with you. "It's not you, it's me." But it's you. She's trying to let you down gently, but it's actually making things worse for you because you think there is hope.
posted by unannihilated at 10:05 AM on November 20, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by unannihilated at 10:05 AM on November 20, 2011 [4 favorites]
I have been told something similar by multiple females a few weeks (in one case, days) before they started dropping giant hints that they wanted me to be their boyfriend. I had not even discussed them being my girlfriend -- they just brought it up out of nowhere, like they were just checking to see how I would react. It's bizarre.
I think when it comes to emotions (the desire for exclusivity being more emotional than rational) people are not good at future projection.
So I say, keep doin' what you're doing for a few more months. Don't push the exclusivity issue. Believe that you are awesome and she is going to realize this. Don't even bring it up until she does.
It's true, you could get hurt, but that's life. Live it.
posted by Feel the beat of the rhythm of the night at 10:11 AM on November 20, 2011 [4 favorites]
I think when it comes to emotions (the desire for exclusivity being more emotional than rational) people are not good at future projection.
So I say, keep doin' what you're doing for a few more months. Don't push the exclusivity issue. Believe that you are awesome and she is going to realize this. Don't even bring it up until she does.
It's true, you could get hurt, but that's life. Live it.
posted by Feel the beat of the rhythm of the night at 10:11 AM on November 20, 2011 [4 favorites]
I have to chime in with the opposite view - I met Mr LyzzyBee in 2001, shortly after a nasty break-up (one involving me resigning from a job and almost selling my house to move across the country to be with someone who then dumped me). We met on an online dating site but I was just hanging out in the forums chatting to people. Made it clear I didn't want a relationship, but we were friends, good friends, seeing each other once a week or so after a while, and talking on IM and the phone most nights ... this went on through the summer. A combo of him going on a pre-booked (before we met) singles holiday where I airily said "feel free to get together with someone" then spent the week writhing in case he did, and 9/11 (we lived in London, he worked in Canary Wharf, there were rumours, I didn't hear from him for hours cos he was being evacuated and travelling home) we did get together in the October - and we are still together now.
So it can work. Respect the lady, stay as friends, be there for her; if she starts dating other people, fine, leave it alone and run. But she might just be regrouping and sorting her head out, which is sensible in my opinion.
Good luck, however it turns out!
posted by LyzzyBee at 10:12 AM on November 20, 2011 [2 favorites]
So it can work. Respect the lady, stay as friends, be there for her; if she starts dating other people, fine, leave it alone and run. But she might just be regrouping and sorting her head out, which is sensible in my opinion.
Good luck, however it turns out!
posted by LyzzyBee at 10:12 AM on November 20, 2011 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: So after she told me this, we had breakfast and she was still holding my hand and staring into my eyes longingly and kissing me in a loving way. SO CONFUSING. If she is letting me down gently, she sure did a good job. Thanks for the answers, everyone...there doesn't really seem to be a consensus but this is giving me much needed perspective. I am incredibly busy with work, which is good, and the holidays are coming and we will both be out of town, so my plan is to lay low, put emailing/texting/calling her out of my head for awhile while I process this.
posted by 3FLryan at 10:36 AM on November 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by 3FLryan at 10:36 AM on November 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
She's telling you this is fun but she's not going to be committed to you. She's not just dropping you because she enjoys the attention. In fairness, it's not up to us to police other people's emotional issues and capabilities, so that's not necessarily bad of her. But you need to be right with yourself. Tell her you appreciate her candor but this is more than that to you and you can't keep yourself at that level with her.
Her reaction to that will tell you a lot about how on the level she's being with you, if she takes it crappily and puts a lot of blame on you then she's likely using you for the attention. Which isn't to say she can't be sad about it but you're entitled to be in a relationship you want to be in. That's not anybody's fault but everyone needs to respect everyone else's needs and desires even if they can't accommodate them.
posted by phearlez at 10:51 AM on November 20, 2011 [2 favorites]
Her reaction to that will tell you a lot about how on the level she's being with you, if she takes it crappily and puts a lot of blame on you then she's likely using you for the attention. Which isn't to say she can't be sad about it but you're entitled to be in a relationship you want to be in. That's not anybody's fault but everyone needs to respect everyone else's needs and desires even if they can't accommodate them.
posted by phearlez at 10:51 AM on November 20, 2011 [2 favorites]
Yeah, so, anecdata: a friend broke off her engagement to be with another man, but told the new guy that she wasn't ready for a relationship yet - she just got out of an engagement! - but that she adored him, wanted to keep seeing him, just wanted to see where things would go. After 7 months (of seeing each other multiple days a week), she started dating someone else as well, and is confused as to why the new guy is upset.
If you do decide to keep seeing her, for your sake, give yourself a limit, say, a couple of months, so she doesn't string you along/use you as a cushion as she gets back into dating. Breaking up an, ostensibly, casual relationship at 7 months (or longer) will probably hurt, you know?
posted by vivid postcard at 11:25 AM on November 20, 2011
If you do decide to keep seeing her, for your sake, give yourself a limit, say, a couple of months, so she doesn't string you along/use you as a cushion as she gets back into dating. Breaking up an, ostensibly, casual relationship at 7 months (or longer) will probably hurt, you know?
posted by vivid postcard at 11:25 AM on November 20, 2011
Best answer: My guess is that she's enjoying hanging out with you -- the companionship, the kissing, whatever --but that for some reason she's ruling you out as a long-term partner. She's letting you know that she wants to continue seeing you but that she's planning to break up with you eventually.
posted by cider at 11:26 AM on November 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by cider at 11:26 AM on November 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Know thyself.
This happened to me a while ago, but I was in a good place in life and I was ok with the idea of taking it slow. I came to terms with the idea that she might be seeing other people, and I kept my options open and kept going on dates with other people too. After a couple months it became obvious to both of us that we were a good match and we ended the charade.
But you should only try that if you're really, genuinely ok with the idea that you might never win her over. If that's not something you're good at, I would cut your losses and try to find someone more available.
posted by auto-correct at 11:31 AM on November 20, 2011 [6 favorites]
This happened to me a while ago, but I was in a good place in life and I was ok with the idea of taking it slow. I came to terms with the idea that she might be seeing other people, and I kept my options open and kept going on dates with other people too. After a couple months it became obvious to both of us that we were a good match and we ended the charade.
But you should only try that if you're really, genuinely ok with the idea that you might never win her over. If that's not something you're good at, I would cut your losses and try to find someone more available.
posted by auto-correct at 11:31 AM on November 20, 2011 [6 favorites]
Best answer: She wants to have sex with you but doesn't want clingy pressure. I don't think she wants to break up necessarily, because unless she's a sociopath it appears she's trying hard to give you the impression that she still wants to spend time with you.
posted by rhizome at 11:36 AM on November 20, 2011
posted by rhizome at 11:36 AM on November 20, 2011
Response by poster: I think it's some combination of these last three answers. And I'm not sure I have it in me to do the whole "coming to terms with the idea that she might be seeing other people" thing. Le sigh.
posted by 3FLryan at 11:53 AM on November 20, 2011
posted by 3FLryan at 11:53 AM on November 20, 2011
People coming out of relationships sending out mixed messages can be very dangerous to one's self-esteem. She wants to unilaterally dictate the terms of the relationship, to me this would be unacceptable. For a sense of perspective try dating someone else.
posted by epo at 12:18 PM on November 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by epo at 12:18 PM on November 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
And I'm not sure I have it in me to do the whole "coming to terms with the idea that she might be seeing other people" thing
I think it's best to start with the assumption that the person you're dating is dating other people as well, and continue with that assumption until told otherwise.
At very least, it helps you pace yourself and be realistic.
posted by ead at 12:23 PM on November 20, 2011
I think it's best to start with the assumption that the person you're dating is dating other people as well, and continue with that assumption until told otherwise.
At very least, it helps you pace yourself and be realistic.
posted by ead at 12:23 PM on November 20, 2011
"I should clarify: she literally JUST told me this, like a couple hours ago."
There are really two possibilities.
Either she is great at communicating and knowing her own desires and is telling them to you, which is AWESOME and is allowing you to not invest any more heartache into her, doing you a great favor. Or She isn't so great about communicating or knowing her own desires and is telling you something she isn't feeling, which is AWESOME and is allowing you to not invest any more heartache into her, doing you a great favor.
Regardless, an attitude of grace and humility regarding unpleasant information will always not only make it less unpleasant, but you less unpleasant in a way that makes more people more likely to give you unpleasant information, which incidentally generally makes life more easy to make pleasant too.
posted by Blasdelb at 12:29 PM on November 20, 2011 [2 favorites]
There are really two possibilities.
Regardless, an attitude of grace and humility regarding unpleasant information will always not only make it less unpleasant, but you less unpleasant in a way that makes more people more likely to give you unpleasant information, which incidentally generally makes life more easy to make pleasant too.
posted by Blasdelb at 12:29 PM on November 20, 2011 [2 favorites]
If you want to be in a committed relationship with her, do not settle for less. It will only lead to heartbreak. I'd tell her that you can't do this on these terms, and ask for a 3-month timeout. It's possible that a no-contact period might clarify her feelings, and she might decide that she is ready for a commitment right now after all, but DO NOT EXPECT OR RELY ON THIS. You can't make someone feel a certain way; all you can do is act in your own interests.
posted by KathrynT at 12:45 PM on November 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by KathrynT at 12:45 PM on November 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
Giving her the benefit of the doubt, it sounds like she just has a bit of an emotional wall built up. She's saying she doesn't want a relationship because she doesn't want to let herself get emotionally invested, only to potentially be hurt the way she was in her last relationship.
Relationships are always going to be an emotional risk. Does she make you happy? Is it worth it for you, right now? Things may change and she'll come around as she gets to know you more. Or she won't. But you have to decide if that's something you want to leave to chance.
posted by erstwhile at 1:02 PM on November 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
Relationships are always going to be an emotional risk. Does she make you happy? Is it worth it for you, right now? Things may change and she'll come around as she gets to know you more. Or she won't. But you have to decide if that's something you want to leave to chance.
posted by erstwhile at 1:02 PM on November 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: SO...I definitely should have put this in the original question, and I am sorry I did not. BUT: Her last two long-term relationships have been with women. She said she hasn't really dated guys in four or five years. Sorry I am sorta broken up and not thinking clearly. This probably complicates the analysis, I know.
posted by 3FLryan at 1:15 PM on November 20, 2011
posted by 3FLryan at 1:15 PM on November 20, 2011
Best answer: It might complicate her analysis, but I don't think it complicates yours. Remember, asking for a time-out isn't punishing her, it's protecting yourself. You're not saying "Neener neener neener, it's my way or the highway!" You're saying "I care about you deeply, way more than you're saying you're comfortable with, and if I keep dating you I'm going to get resentful that we're at different places. I don't want to resent you, and I don't want to be miserable."
posted by KathrynT at 1:22 PM on November 20, 2011 [20 favorites]
posted by KathrynT at 1:22 PM on November 20, 2011 [20 favorites]
I really love KathrynT's wording - it is the most dignified way to break-up when you are doing it because you are more invested than the other person, and I will commit it to memory in case I am ever in a similar situation again.
Given your update, I'd say she might be actually quite confused and dealing with emotions which might be beyond her reach at the moment. Same difference, really, as far as you are concerned - whatever her reasons, you two are in different places right now.
posted by miorita at 2:23 PM on November 20, 2011
Given your update, I'd say she might be actually quite confused and dealing with emotions which might be beyond her reach at the moment. Same difference, really, as far as you are concerned - whatever her reasons, you two are in different places right now.
posted by miorita at 2:23 PM on November 20, 2011
Response by poster: Yeah. It's going to be really hard not to use KathrynT's language word for word.
posted by 3FLryan at 2:34 PM on November 20, 2011
posted by 3FLryan at 2:34 PM on November 20, 2011
Um, have you tried talking to her about this? Directly? I'd recommend that. It's a good foundation for whatever relationship you end up having.
posted by Capri at 10:32 PM on November 20, 2011
posted by Capri at 10:32 PM on November 20, 2011
Maybe it's my own crappy relationship communication skills, but I would say this to someone because I was afraid that things were moving too quickly and I was unsure of my own emotions and full of bad memories of previous relationships. I would say it because I really liked the guy and wouldn't want to hurt him. I would want him, in response, to say, "Yes, let's take this slowly" and then for us to fall madly in love over time.
And he'd probably post it on Askme, be told he was heading for heartbreak, and dump me. And then I'd be heartbroken, and not know why it was over.
So, maybe she said it because it's what she means. She's getting over something difficult. She wants to take her time and not get committed too fast. But she really likes you. Maybe I'm bad to be in a relationship, and you wouldn't want me anyway... but that's why I would say that, and I would NOT want it to end based on what I said.
posted by 3491again at 12:41 AM on November 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
And he'd probably post it on Askme, be told he was heading for heartbreak, and dump me. And then I'd be heartbroken, and not know why it was over.
So, maybe she said it because it's what she means. She's getting over something difficult. She wants to take her time and not get committed too fast. But she really likes you. Maybe I'm bad to be in a relationship, and you wouldn't want me anyway... but that's why I would say that, and I would NOT want it to end based on what I said.
posted by 3491again at 12:41 AM on November 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: but that's why I would say that, and I would NOT want it to end based on what I said
Yes, but I would not want it to continue how it is.
posted by 3FLryan at 7:03 AM on November 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
Yes, but I would not want it to continue how it is.
posted by 3FLryan at 7:03 AM on November 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Personally I would say, get out now, before you get dragged in deeper. Of course I don't know all the details, but I'm just speaking from my own (bitter, shameful) experience.
posted by KateViolet at 9:43 AM on November 20, 2011 [2 favorites]