How do I move on (alone) after infidelity?
October 4, 2011 9:23 PM Subscribe
My seven+ year relationship (living together but not married) ended several months ago after my partner was unfaithful. He is still with the other person; I am single and picking up the pieces. I'm not interested in forgiving him, I just want to move on. What's the best way to do this?
There are a lot of books about healing and moving on after infidelity, but they all seem to be written for married couples who want to stay together after an affair. We weren't married, and obviously we don't want to stay together.
Counseling isn't really helping. I don't want to rehash the relationship any more, I simply want to stop thinking about him and his girlfriend. They pop into my head at the damnedest times, and way too frequently. I want them to be a nonissue for me -- completely irrelevant to my life.
And most importantly, down the road when I meet someone new, I don't want to carry emotional baggage and trust issues from the infidelity into the new relationship.
Any suggestions?
There are a lot of books about healing and moving on after infidelity, but they all seem to be written for married couples who want to stay together after an affair. We weren't married, and obviously we don't want to stay together.
Counseling isn't really helping. I don't want to rehash the relationship any more, I simply want to stop thinking about him and his girlfriend. They pop into my head at the damnedest times, and way too frequently. I want them to be a nonissue for me -- completely irrelevant to my life.
And most importantly, down the road when I meet someone new, I don't want to carry emotional baggage and trust issues from the infidelity into the new relationship.
Any suggestions?
I had a lot of trouble with this same issue after my marriage ended. Here are two things that really, really helped:
1. I gave myself an end date for my grief. I was totally devastated so I needed a lot of time. Eventually, though, the grief wasn't productive or healing, so I picked a date a few weeks in the future and told myself I could totally immerse myself in my grief up until then but then I'd have to stop. Having indulged myself made it easier to nip any useless/negative/spiraling thoughts after the deadline came.
2. I created a detailed mental image of something that I really loved. In my case it was the new apartment I would move to after I left the marital home. I imagined the art on each wall, the flowers on the table, every stupid ridiculous girly detail. When I found myself thinking about my ex and shitty new girlfriend I would stop my train of thought and redirect to thinking about my new apartment. I had to consciously choose to stop thinking about my ex and think about something wonderful and at first it was so so hard. But it got much easier as I went on. And I really did reach the place where I didn't care about my ex anymore.
Good luck. I am thinking of you!
posted by kate blank at 9:36 PM on October 4, 2011 [11 favorites]
1. I gave myself an end date for my grief. I was totally devastated so I needed a lot of time. Eventually, though, the grief wasn't productive or healing, so I picked a date a few weeks in the future and told myself I could totally immerse myself in my grief up until then but then I'd have to stop. Having indulged myself made it easier to nip any useless/negative/spiraling thoughts after the deadline came.
2. I created a detailed mental image of something that I really loved. In my case it was the new apartment I would move to after I left the marital home. I imagined the art on each wall, the flowers on the table, every stupid ridiculous girly detail. When I found myself thinking about my ex and shitty new girlfriend I would stop my train of thought and redirect to thinking about my new apartment. I had to consciously choose to stop thinking about my ex and think about something wonderful and at first it was so so hard. But it got much easier as I went on. And I really did reach the place where I didn't care about my ex anymore.
Good luck. I am thinking of you!
posted by kate blank at 9:36 PM on October 4, 2011 [11 favorites]
There isn't an answer to this question. You can't force your brain to stop thinking about something when it is still processing a major event. "Several months" after a seven year relationship is not enough time. I used to travel up and down the east coast by train, and it took me a whole year to stop crying through the entire state of Connecticut, literally from border to border, because that's where I had lived with my boyfriend. At some point, you'll encounter somewhere you normally ruminate over them and the thought will occur: "Huh. Connecticut. Mark. Linda." and you'll just go back to your book. But it really takes time.
Keeping busy helps. Major changes and fresh starts help. New friends, places and habits not associated with the previous partner help. Dating helps. Obsessively throwing yourself into a new project like a book, website or business helps. But all of that just makes the time it takes easier; you still need time, and a lot of it.
I'm so sorry, because it really fucking blows.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:37 PM on October 4, 2011 [6 favorites]
Keeping busy helps. Major changes and fresh starts help. New friends, places and habits not associated with the previous partner help. Dating helps. Obsessively throwing yourself into a new project like a book, website or business helps. But all of that just makes the time it takes easier; you still need time, and a lot of it.
I'm so sorry, because it really fucking blows.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:37 PM on October 4, 2011 [6 favorites]
Your life for over seven years was deeply connected to someone else who's no longer around, so lots of things about that time are going to make you think of him. You can't change that, and it's healthy to just accept the situation and that you feel hurt.
What you can change, though, is how it affects you going forward. The most helpful thing I heard from someone after leaving an abusive relationship was the question "how long are you going to let this affect your life?" Feeling really upset about your ex-boyfriend's infidelity has nothing to do with the choices you make on a daily basis going forward unless you let it.
Moving on doesn't mean changing your feelings, it means taking control of your behavior and beliefs in regards to those feelings.
As for counseling, it's up to you to decide whether it's helpful or not. But you might have success with a different counselor if this one isn't working, or you might have more success with this one if you tell them "what we're doing now isn't working for me." I found cognitive behavioral therapy helpful in dealing with some of my misguided beliefs formed after my abusive relationship to move on to a healthy one.
posted by likeyoubutme at 9:51 PM on October 4, 2011
What you can change, though, is how it affects you going forward. The most helpful thing I heard from someone after leaving an abusive relationship was the question "how long are you going to let this affect your life?" Feeling really upset about your ex-boyfriend's infidelity has nothing to do with the choices you make on a daily basis going forward unless you let it.
Moving on doesn't mean changing your feelings, it means taking control of your behavior and beliefs in regards to those feelings.
As for counseling, it's up to you to decide whether it's helpful or not. But you might have success with a different counselor if this one isn't working, or you might have more success with this one if you tell them "what we're doing now isn't working for me." I found cognitive behavioral therapy helpful in dealing with some of my misguided beliefs formed after my abusive relationship to move on to a healthy one.
posted by likeyoubutme at 9:51 PM on October 4, 2011
Frankly, this is going to take time. It's going to keep hitting you at weird times. All you can do is put one foot in front of the other, and not give in to your basest instincts. I'm sorry for your circumstance, and I wish you the best. Just know that eventually, this will go away.
posted by Gilbert at 9:58 PM on October 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Gilbert at 9:58 PM on October 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks, everyone, for your kind and thoughtful replies. I've (mostly) moved past the murderous rage, and the gut-wrenching emotional pain, and asking "Why?" a hundred times a day, and kicking myself for not paying attention to the red flags he was practically waving in my face.
Despite some other unforeseen challenges this year, I am happier now than I was when he and I were together. I'm doing my best to look at this situation as a chance to create a better life for myself. If I could just get those two nitwits out of my head, I'd be well on my way to the next chapter in my life. With enough time and determination, I'll get there.
Again, many thanks.
posted by kim in chicago at 10:33 PM on October 4, 2011
Despite some other unforeseen challenges this year, I am happier now than I was when he and I were together. I'm doing my best to look at this situation as a chance to create a better life for myself. If I could just get those two nitwits out of my head, I'd be well on my way to the next chapter in my life. With enough time and determination, I'll get there.
Again, many thanks.
posted by kim in chicago at 10:33 PM on October 4, 2011
Yes, time is the most important thing. But while you wait, here are things that help:
Meet new people. NOT for dating. Join an activity group or go to more events and just meet people who are interesting and fun. Meetup.com is good for this!
Do that thing you always wanted to do but didn't have time before because you were with your partner. Even better, convert your anger into energy and inspiration toward that hobby. (I did that when I went through something similar, and hey presto! Now I have a career in my hobby. So, now I'm kind of glad it happened.)
Avoid things that remind you of your ex for now. When you've had a little healing time, find new memories for those things. For example: is there a song that makes you think of him? Listen to that song on a new occasion. Throw yourself a party with your best friends and play it. Now you'll think of your friends when you hear it.
Are you able to work out? Go running, go to the gym, take karate lessons - something physical. Physical exertion is an awesome way to work out the feelings you're experiencing right now. And it's good for you!
Let it all out. If you feel like yelling, go find a place you can yell and just let it all out. If you want to cry, don't hold back. In my experience, the more you try to hold it back and pretend you're not feeling anything, the more you end up thinking about it.
posted by katillathehun at 10:35 PM on October 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
Meet new people. NOT for dating. Join an activity group or go to more events and just meet people who are interesting and fun. Meetup.com is good for this!
Do that thing you always wanted to do but didn't have time before because you were with your partner. Even better, convert your anger into energy and inspiration toward that hobby. (I did that when I went through something similar, and hey presto! Now I have a career in my hobby. So, now I'm kind of glad it happened.)
Avoid things that remind you of your ex for now. When you've had a little healing time, find new memories for those things. For example: is there a song that makes you think of him? Listen to that song on a new occasion. Throw yourself a party with your best friends and play it. Now you'll think of your friends when you hear it.
Are you able to work out? Go running, go to the gym, take karate lessons - something physical. Physical exertion is an awesome way to work out the feelings you're experiencing right now. And it's good for you!
Let it all out. If you feel like yelling, go find a place you can yell and just let it all out. If you want to cry, don't hold back. In my experience, the more you try to hold it back and pretend you're not feeling anything, the more you end up thinking about it.
posted by katillathehun at 10:35 PM on October 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think it's a really good sign that you want this. I could have written this exact post two months ago, and now I'm pretty close to not having these thoughts at all. This is a significant turning point for you. Rehashing the relationship was a way of hanging on to it. Now, you're at the point of actively letting go.
One day, you are going to get through an entire day without even thinking about what happened--and you probably won't even realize that you didn't think about it.
This means that there is a limit to how many times you will think these thoughts. Each time one comes up, tell yourself--"Ah, that's one less time I have to think this. I am one step closer to being whole again." Let yourself feel whatever emotion it calls up, because you have to feel it to really be able to let go. Don't fight it or push it away; fighting it means you are putting off dealing with it. You lost a huge part of your life. It is okay to feel however you feel.
Then, after you've let yourself grieve or rage, dismiss the thought from your mind and focus on something that is actually relevant and important to your present life. You are on a long, hard journey towards the new self you will become without him. Each intrusive thought is a step away from the person you were in that relationship. Feel it, acknowledge it, and let it go.
The only other thing I'd suggest is to let other people love you and find ways to be loving towards other people. The time leading up the end of a relationship is hell on your self-esteem and your sense of your own desirability as a partner. Spend time building up your other intimate relationships. Reach out to family and friends. Spend time with them doing things you enjoy together. Lend them an ear, lend them a hand, cheer them up, laugh with them, dispense hugs and compliments. I've found that doing this has helped me remember that I can be loved, as I am--and that even with all the baggage I have now, I am still someone people like to spend time with. It helps me remember that even though one person was untrustworthy and unkind, plenty of others are. That the kind of love I give is love that other people want, even though one person rejected it. Spending time with the people who love me has gone a long way towards resolving my baggage.
All this said, this is a long road and you'll probably find these thoughts recurring for years. Don't get discouraged, and be patient with yourself. You'll get through it.
posted by millions of peaches at 10:37 PM on October 4, 2011 [6 favorites]
One day, you are going to get through an entire day without even thinking about what happened--and you probably won't even realize that you didn't think about it.
This means that there is a limit to how many times you will think these thoughts. Each time one comes up, tell yourself--"Ah, that's one less time I have to think this. I am one step closer to being whole again." Let yourself feel whatever emotion it calls up, because you have to feel it to really be able to let go. Don't fight it or push it away; fighting it means you are putting off dealing with it. You lost a huge part of your life. It is okay to feel however you feel.
Then, after you've let yourself grieve or rage, dismiss the thought from your mind and focus on something that is actually relevant and important to your present life. You are on a long, hard journey towards the new self you will become without him. Each intrusive thought is a step away from the person you were in that relationship. Feel it, acknowledge it, and let it go.
The only other thing I'd suggest is to let other people love you and find ways to be loving towards other people. The time leading up the end of a relationship is hell on your self-esteem and your sense of your own desirability as a partner. Spend time building up your other intimate relationships. Reach out to family and friends. Spend time with them doing things you enjoy together. Lend them an ear, lend them a hand, cheer them up, laugh with them, dispense hugs and compliments. I've found that doing this has helped me remember that I can be loved, as I am--and that even with all the baggage I have now, I am still someone people like to spend time with. It helps me remember that even though one person was untrustworthy and unkind, plenty of others are. That the kind of love I give is love that other people want, even though one person rejected it. Spending time with the people who love me has gone a long way towards resolving my baggage.
All this said, this is a long road and you'll probably find these thoughts recurring for years. Don't get discouraged, and be patient with yourself. You'll get through it.
posted by millions of peaches at 10:37 PM on October 4, 2011 [6 favorites]
Be easy on yourself. Allow the grieving process. I once made the mistake of fighting against depression when a loved one moved on and it got me in other ways (OCD) because I denied my grief. Feel it. It will hurt but will become way better once you've become adjusted. It's ok to let others know when you're not feeling well. You need the support.
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 10:45 PM on October 4, 2011
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 10:45 PM on October 4, 2011
Death sux. I've heard it takes a month of grieving for each year of relationship, but personally, I think that's short. Might be more like two or three.
You had a death. A death of future, of plans, of hopes, of your confidence in someone else. It's not surprising you have issues getting over it.
Calendar time helps with grief. You integrate it, you don't really 'get over' it, in my experience. (My experience is with death, not breakups, but I do think the only difference is finality and reversability.) Perhaps reading some on the topic of death of a loved one might be useful to you.
Good luck.
posted by FauxScot at 10:46 PM on October 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
You had a death. A death of future, of plans, of hopes, of your confidence in someone else. It's not surprising you have issues getting over it.
Calendar time helps with grief. You integrate it, you don't really 'get over' it, in my experience. (My experience is with death, not breakups, but I do think the only difference is finality and reversability.) Perhaps reading some on the topic of death of a loved one might be useful to you.
Good luck.
posted by FauxScot at 10:46 PM on October 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm glad to hear things are getting better.
Keep in mind, though, that there doesn't need to be any "if" in "If I could just get those two nitwits out of my head, I'd be well on my way to the next chapter in my life." You can, and you are.
As you said yourself "I am happier now than I was when he and I were together."
You're already making your life better. Take pride in that.
posted by likeyoubutme at 10:46 PM on October 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
Keep in mind, though, that there doesn't need to be any "if" in "If I could just get those two nitwits out of my head, I'd be well on my way to the next chapter in my life." You can, and you are.
As you said yourself "I am happier now than I was when he and I were together."
You're already making your life better. Take pride in that.
posted by likeyoubutme at 10:46 PM on October 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
You had a death. A death of future, of plans, of hopes, of your confidence in someone else. It's not surprising you have issues getting over it.
I'm going to disagree with this and not be snarky about it.
I think this advice is past it's usable date for your situation, but are you at all a reader/listener of Dan Savage? He's got an idea floating around about Monogamish relationships, where long term relationships sometimes have slip ups, 'cause you know, we're not all perfect. If that's the only bad thing this person had ever done to you - you're actually doing pretty well! Good work, relationship!
This Monogamish idea isn't polyamory, or an excuse for your partner to continually cheat on you. It's just admitting that people aren't perfect.
So, even if you're not into the Monogomish idea, maybe it's enough to realize that they weren't perfect and you're not perfect and the next person you're with won't be perfect either.
posted by alex_skazat at 12:30 AM on October 5, 2011
I'm going to disagree with this and not be snarky about it.
I think this advice is past it's usable date for your situation, but are you at all a reader/listener of Dan Savage? He's got an idea floating around about Monogamish relationships, where long term relationships sometimes have slip ups, 'cause you know, we're not all perfect. If that's the only bad thing this person had ever done to you - you're actually doing pretty well! Good work, relationship!
This Monogamish idea isn't polyamory, or an excuse for your partner to continually cheat on you. It's just admitting that people aren't perfect.
So, even if you're not into the Monogomish idea, maybe it's enough to realize that they weren't perfect and you're not perfect and the next person you're with won't be perfect either.
posted by alex_skazat at 12:30 AM on October 5, 2011
A good book is How Can I Forgive You? by Janis Abrahams Spring. I know you will balk at the title, but it actually addresses part of the problem you're facing: you don't want to "forgive" in the sense of reconciling, what you want to do is emotionally accept the actions of a person who hurt you in ways they can't make better and may never apologize for.
As for actually feeling better about it... our culture really seems to crack the whip over people who get hurt by the actions of others. Oh, who are you to feel bad because of that loser? You're bigger than that! Rise above it! As if the fact of being hurt by hurtful behaviour diminishes you spiritually. You're accused of "playing into his hands" as if he can read your thoughts from a distance and "feed off your psychic energy" - which is really just magical thinking. [1]
Emotional injury is injurious. It's in the same league as if he'd run you over in his truck; by now, you might well still be dealing with pain, surgery, and physiotherapy, and this wouldn't be considered any reflection on the strength of your spirit. Would you still want the pain to be over, like yesterday? You sure would. But your only choice would be to keep doing the right things, and accept that healing takes time.
[1] Although I would recommend not exposing your emotions on social media or on any part of the Internet that he can trace back to you, if he's that type. "Feeding off your psychic energy" is of course possible from a distance if you're actually communicating these things in ways accessible to him! Enquiring minds do not need to know.
posted by tel3path at 1:17 AM on October 5, 2011 [4 favorites]
As for actually feeling better about it... our culture really seems to crack the whip over people who get hurt by the actions of others. Oh, who are you to feel bad because of that loser? You're bigger than that! Rise above it! As if the fact of being hurt by hurtful behaviour diminishes you spiritually. You're accused of "playing into his hands" as if he can read your thoughts from a distance and "feed off your psychic energy" - which is really just magical thinking. [1]
Emotional injury is injurious. It's in the same league as if he'd run you over in his truck; by now, you might well still be dealing with pain, surgery, and physiotherapy, and this wouldn't be considered any reflection on the strength of your spirit. Would you still want the pain to be over, like yesterday? You sure would. But your only choice would be to keep doing the right things, and accept that healing takes time.
[1] Although I would recommend not exposing your emotions on social media or on any part of the Internet that he can trace back to you, if he's that type. "Feeding off your psychic energy" is of course possible from a distance if you're actually communicating these things in ways accessible to him! Enquiring minds do not need to know.
posted by tel3path at 1:17 AM on October 5, 2011 [4 favorites]
The more you hate him, the more you're going to think about him.
Forgive to forget.
posted by trevyn at 2:06 AM on October 5, 2011
Forgive to forget.
posted by trevyn at 2:06 AM on October 5, 2011
Laugh about it. It may sound silly, but it will work. One of the reasons you remain thinking about it is because you are not only dealing with 1) a break-up, but also 2) a betrayal. Esoteric cognitive theory would say that you remain in consideration of these memories to ensure that you do not repeat the pattern.
Often, the mind does that. It latches on to situations in which one was hurt, constantly re-evaluating the situation to distill a schema to discern future threats. That is why betrayal is such a mofo. Your mind happily went along for a long time, trusting this person and making yourself vulnerable, only to be wheeled around one day and have safety transmuted into threat.
It's a hard thing for the simply mind to come to terms with, thus it remains there, constantly re-evaluating and looking for signs or clues that it can apply in the present to ensure that these things do not happen again. After all, on a survival basis, nothing is worse that putting yourself into the hands of an enemy that you think is a friend. Not that he was your enemy, but the simple mind does not discern.
Thus, if this is the process going on, we must interrupt it somehow and allow you to continue upon your merry way unencumbered. This is why one of the key pieces of advice after a break-up is to get busy. To make new memories of the self to supplant the old memories off the self. After all, identity is primarily composed of memory, thus the sooner you can replace the memories of the previous you with memories of the new you, the faster you will reshape your identity.
But I digress. Laugh at this and help your mind realise that for the majority of the time, you were not under threat. There were ups and downs, the same as anything, and in the end, it didn't work out. By laughing at it, you devolve the power from the fear of it happening again into part of the pantheon of experience that will enable the next steps in your life.
For a bit of personal relevance, I was ready to marry a partner when it all with pear-shaped. In the following six months, I felt as you did. Trapped. I did not want her back but I could not let her go. I was doubting myself at a fundamental level -- how had I not seen this coming? why did I make such an errant choice? are my other choices are errant? It was demotivating and prevented action in other areas of life.
Until I learnt to laugh at it. What a funny situation! The basic comedy and tragedy of human experience! Nothing unique or exceptional, just two people getting together with best intentions, and the result being what the result was. It is funny now -- funny in an ironic way. But learning to laugh at it enabled me to let it go and put it where it belongs. As something that happened once upon a time, without a distinct relevance to daily experience. And with that, the simple mind relaxed and stopped looking for spectres.
posted by nickrussell at 2:38 AM on October 5, 2011 [7 favorites]
Often, the mind does that. It latches on to situations in which one was hurt, constantly re-evaluating the situation to distill a schema to discern future threats. That is why betrayal is such a mofo. Your mind happily went along for a long time, trusting this person and making yourself vulnerable, only to be wheeled around one day and have safety transmuted into threat.
It's a hard thing for the simply mind to come to terms with, thus it remains there, constantly re-evaluating and looking for signs or clues that it can apply in the present to ensure that these things do not happen again. After all, on a survival basis, nothing is worse that putting yourself into the hands of an enemy that you think is a friend. Not that he was your enemy, but the simple mind does not discern.
Thus, if this is the process going on, we must interrupt it somehow and allow you to continue upon your merry way unencumbered. This is why one of the key pieces of advice after a break-up is to get busy. To make new memories of the self to supplant the old memories off the self. After all, identity is primarily composed of memory, thus the sooner you can replace the memories of the previous you with memories of the new you, the faster you will reshape your identity.
But I digress. Laugh at this and help your mind realise that for the majority of the time, you were not under threat. There were ups and downs, the same as anything, and in the end, it didn't work out. By laughing at it, you devolve the power from the fear of it happening again into part of the pantheon of experience that will enable the next steps in your life.
For a bit of personal relevance, I was ready to marry a partner when it all with pear-shaped. In the following six months, I felt as you did. Trapped. I did not want her back but I could not let her go. I was doubting myself at a fundamental level -- how had I not seen this coming? why did I make such an errant choice? are my other choices are errant? It was demotivating and prevented action in other areas of life.
Until I learnt to laugh at it. What a funny situation! The basic comedy and tragedy of human experience! Nothing unique or exceptional, just two people getting together with best intentions, and the result being what the result was. It is funny now -- funny in an ironic way. But learning to laugh at it enabled me to let it go and put it where it belongs. As something that happened once upon a time, without a distinct relevance to daily experience. And with that, the simple mind relaxed and stopped looking for spectres.
posted by nickrussell at 2:38 AM on October 5, 2011 [7 favorites]
I would like to address the last thing you said: "...when I meet someone new, I don't want to carry emotional baggage and trust issues from the infidelity into the new relationship."
You may find that this is unavoidable; but at the same time, you may find that such an eventuality can contribute in a major way to your healing process.
You've already recognised "I am happier now than I was when he and I were together." This is a key realisation, in my experience. You now have your own broadened experience and increased maturity. You have the opportunity to be more careful in your future choices. This means that when you meet someone new and establish a new relationship, that person will be the sort of person that makes your ex seem like a shadow, and you will wonder how you ever settled for him.
Your future partner will be the sort of person who will aid you in processing and letting go of the baggage and issues you bring with you. These things won't frighten him, or turn him off. He will be instrumental in re-establishing in you the ability to trust and to live abundantly.
Sometimes "emotional baggage and trust issues" can't be dealt with alone - a partner is required. In fact, when it comes to trusting others, by definition at least one other person is required.
posted by paleyellowwithorange at 3:14 AM on October 5, 2011 [6 favorites]
You may find that this is unavoidable; but at the same time, you may find that such an eventuality can contribute in a major way to your healing process.
You've already recognised "I am happier now than I was when he and I were together." This is a key realisation, in my experience. You now have your own broadened experience and increased maturity. You have the opportunity to be more careful in your future choices. This means that when you meet someone new and establish a new relationship, that person will be the sort of person that makes your ex seem like a shadow, and you will wonder how you ever settled for him.
Your future partner will be the sort of person who will aid you in processing and letting go of the baggage and issues you bring with you. These things won't frighten him, or turn him off. He will be instrumental in re-establishing in you the ability to trust and to live abundantly.
Sometimes "emotional baggage and trust issues" can't be dealt with alone - a partner is required. In fact, when it comes to trusting others, by definition at least one other person is required.
posted by paleyellowwithorange at 3:14 AM on October 5, 2011 [6 favorites]
One of the most useful concepts of forgiveness that I've encountered (probably in a Making Light thread about awful families) is to think of it in terms of forgiving a debt. It doesn't mean that what he did to you was OK, or can be dismissed -- it means that you acknowledge you're never going to receive what you're owed, and that you're not going to pursue it any longer. That's the kind of forgiveness that lets you move on. (As opposed to the sort that certain people may encourage you to feel, especially in family situations, which is "pretend what he did to you is OK and then let him do it again".)
tel3path touched on this as well, but this is the best way I've found to think of it.
posted by McCoy Pauley at 4:13 AM on October 5, 2011 [24 favorites]
tel3path touched on this as well, but this is the best way I've found to think of it.
posted by McCoy Pauley at 4:13 AM on October 5, 2011 [24 favorites]
Take the hurt. Own it without it owning you, which is to say, allow the grief to do its grieving and don't get in the way. The way out of suffering is to stop denying you are suffering.
posted by Ironmouth at 5:07 AM on October 5, 2011
posted by Ironmouth at 5:07 AM on October 5, 2011
"Oh fuck. Deep breath. Okay!"
That's what you can think when you find yourself dwelling. Just do it over and over. It gets easier. Trust me.
"Oh fuck.": that was a bad thing that happened and for all of the pain and constant reminders it was a thing that happened and so you acknowledge it and say yes it hurt but it was a good thing and then it ended and it hurt: acknowledge it.
"Deep breath.": yes it hurt but take a moment here after you've looked at the hurt in the past to set it down and reframe your mind in terms of the present and how you are in control of your life, the hurt is gone and you're ready to move on: ground yourself.
"Okay!": looking forward now, take stock of what you need to do to reach out and reconnect with the world. You've got the power and the freedom to set the course of your own life again and now that you're smarter and grounded you're ready: move forward.
Repeat as necessary. Make sure you do get out and find stuff to do / people to do it with. New connections are the best thing now.
posted by seanmpuckett at 5:31 AM on October 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
That's what you can think when you find yourself dwelling. Just do it over and over. It gets easier. Trust me.
"Oh fuck.": that was a bad thing that happened and for all of the pain and constant reminders it was a thing that happened and so you acknowledge it and say yes it hurt but it was a good thing and then it ended and it hurt: acknowledge it.
"Deep breath.": yes it hurt but take a moment here after you've looked at the hurt in the past to set it down and reframe your mind in terms of the present and how you are in control of your life, the hurt is gone and you're ready to move on: ground yourself.
"Okay!": looking forward now, take stock of what you need to do to reach out and reconnect with the world. You've got the power and the freedom to set the course of your own life again and now that you're smarter and grounded you're ready: move forward.
Repeat as necessary. Make sure you do get out and find stuff to do / people to do it with. New connections are the best thing now.
posted by seanmpuckett at 5:31 AM on October 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
I'm going to supplement the advice in here with a couple of "media" suggestions: a book and an album.
1. I've joked, in the past, that Peter Gabriel's album Us should just be ISSUED to everyone going through a breakup; he was going through the fallout of TWO breakups when he recorded it (first a divorce, and then the end of the short-term rebound thing he did after that). So he was kind of a mess. But that led him to record some of the most emotionally naked songs he's ever done, and there's a song on there to fit ALL of the complicated emotions you go through during a breakup (the anger, the grief, the "oh god how much of this was my fault after all," the "screw mourning, I just want to fuck someone", and even the "you know, I think I'm ready to forgive him" and "I think I'm ready to forgive ME").
(And yeah, I think deep down part of why these kinds of breakups knock you for a loop is because you're also kind of kicking yourself over "why did I fall for him, how could I have been so deluded". Even though it totally makes no sense for you to be blaming yourself, I think a part of you does anyway. And it takes you a little while to realize that you need to forgive yourself for this as well.)
2. This isn't about breakups -- it's about forgiveness in general. Simon Wiesenthal's book The Sunflower is a short memoir with a series of essays; the memior is about an incident that happened to Wiessenthal in one of the concentration camps, when a Nazi soldier actually asked him for forgiveness and he didn't know what the hell to do; he ends the memoir by asking "alright, reader, what would YOU have done?" The essays are all responses to that "what would you have done" question, and all some of the most profound statements I've ever read about forgiveness, what it can do, when it is appropriate (and when it ISN'T), and when to extend it.
The reason I'm suggesting it is because a few of those essays speak of forgiveness as being something more for the forgive-ER than the forgive-EE; they speak of forgiveness as being more about the forgive-ER saying "you know what, dwelling on this isn't doing me any favors, I'm just gonna seal the box on this and move on". Which it sounds like a point you want to get to. Also, a few of them talk about how hard it is to get TO that point; some of the essays talk about how forgiveness ISN'T something that should be given away so cheap, and how it's also okay to be pissed like hell for a while as well, and that's valid too.
Check both those out. Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:46 AM on October 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
1. I've joked, in the past, that Peter Gabriel's album Us should just be ISSUED to everyone going through a breakup; he was going through the fallout of TWO breakups when he recorded it (first a divorce, and then the end of the short-term rebound thing he did after that). So he was kind of a mess. But that led him to record some of the most emotionally naked songs he's ever done, and there's a song on there to fit ALL of the complicated emotions you go through during a breakup (the anger, the grief, the "oh god how much of this was my fault after all," the "screw mourning, I just want to fuck someone", and even the "you know, I think I'm ready to forgive him" and "I think I'm ready to forgive ME").
(And yeah, I think deep down part of why these kinds of breakups knock you for a loop is because you're also kind of kicking yourself over "why did I fall for him, how could I have been so deluded". Even though it totally makes no sense for you to be blaming yourself, I think a part of you does anyway. And it takes you a little while to realize that you need to forgive yourself for this as well.)
2. This isn't about breakups -- it's about forgiveness in general. Simon Wiesenthal's book The Sunflower is a short memoir with a series of essays; the memior is about an incident that happened to Wiessenthal in one of the concentration camps, when a Nazi soldier actually asked him for forgiveness and he didn't know what the hell to do; he ends the memoir by asking "alright, reader, what would YOU have done?" The essays are all responses to that "what would you have done" question, and all some of the most profound statements I've ever read about forgiveness, what it can do, when it is appropriate (and when it ISN'T), and when to extend it.
The reason I'm suggesting it is because a few of those essays speak of forgiveness as being something more for the forgive-ER than the forgive-EE; they speak of forgiveness as being more about the forgive-ER saying "you know what, dwelling on this isn't doing me any favors, I'm just gonna seal the box on this and move on". Which it sounds like a point you want to get to. Also, a few of them talk about how hard it is to get TO that point; some of the essays talk about how forgiveness ISN'T something that should be given away so cheap, and how it's also okay to be pissed like hell for a while as well, and that's valid too.
Check both those out. Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:46 AM on October 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
Meet new people and do new things! If you're as much in Chicago as your username suggests, might I recommend coming by the Chicago meetup tonight?
posted by SpiffyRob at 6:43 AM on October 5, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by SpiffyRob at 6:43 AM on October 5, 2011 [4 favorites]
Nthing that the more interesting new input (people, places, things) you add to your life, the quicker you will move on in your mind from those two nitwits.
posted by jbenben at 7:08 AM on October 5, 2011
posted by jbenben at 7:08 AM on October 5, 2011
You're going to have baggage. So what? Some people have purses; some people have steamer trunks. (And I am in no way trying to trivialize your experience, but I guarantee you that you don't have that much. Lots of people have been there. It's going to be okay.)
Be honest and open about it. The more you try to ignore it, the more it'll come back to bite you in the ass -- right when you don't want it to.
I met my now-husband when I sat down at a party and started complaining about the guy with whom I'd broken up but was still entangled. We ended up talking for six hours about life, relationships, all that.
This is LIFE. This is the shared experience we all have. What a blessing to have others who can experience these things with us! Take your time, but be open to wherever life leads you.
posted by Madamina at 7:48 AM on October 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
Be honest and open about it. The more you try to ignore it, the more it'll come back to bite you in the ass -- right when you don't want it to.
I met my now-husband when I sat down at a party and started complaining about the guy with whom I'd broken up but was still entangled. We ended up talking for six hours about life, relationships, all that.
This is LIFE. This is the shared experience we all have. What a blessing to have others who can experience these things with us! Take your time, but be open to wherever life leads you.
posted by Madamina at 7:48 AM on October 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
There is no magic solution. I've found the only two things that work are time passing or you find someone else.
posted by banished at 7:49 AM on October 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by banished at 7:49 AM on October 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
For me the things that helped were (a) keeping super busy (b) meeting new people, joining new clubs (c) exercising (d) just getting out and dating again (e) having a new goal (run a marathon, get a new degree, etc.) It takes time, but you will get to a point where you go a whole day without thinking about it and that feels great.
posted by bananafish at 8:04 AM on October 5, 2011
posted by bananafish at 8:04 AM on October 5, 2011
Oddly enough I was thinking about this yesterday. In my thirties I struggled with two very personal betrayals by people very close to me, and my anger and grief over these events consumed me for years.
I am forty now, and while I can't say those disasters were ever resolved, they certainly don't hurt me any more and I can go months at a time without even remembering them. I was thinking about the process by which this happened, and it reminded me of nothing so much as the large, healing scab on my knee. The new skin grew in from the edges and the scab blackened and shrank and in a day or two, it's going to fall off.
In the same way, the new things that came into my life after the twin disasters - children, a new house, many new friends, volunteer gigs on a couple of nonprofits - as well as a new commitment to old parts of my life that gave me a lot of sustenance - my job, my art, my love of horses - got bigger and more absorbing over time, and my raw pain and anger and hurt and bewilderment got smaller and shrivelled up until one day I looked and they weren't really there any more.
It took, I am sorry to tell you, many years. There were many nights I would wake from nightmares and cry and be unable to get back to sleep. But I haven't had those nightmares in longer than I can remember, and my life is full and happy now.
I wish you great courage and true peace.
posted by rdc at 8:47 AM on October 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
I am forty now, and while I can't say those disasters were ever resolved, they certainly don't hurt me any more and I can go months at a time without even remembering them. I was thinking about the process by which this happened, and it reminded me of nothing so much as the large, healing scab on my knee. The new skin grew in from the edges and the scab blackened and shrank and in a day or two, it's going to fall off.
In the same way, the new things that came into my life after the twin disasters - children, a new house, many new friends, volunteer gigs on a couple of nonprofits - as well as a new commitment to old parts of my life that gave me a lot of sustenance - my job, my art, my love of horses - got bigger and more absorbing over time, and my raw pain and anger and hurt and bewilderment got smaller and shrivelled up until one day I looked and they weren't really there any more.
It took, I am sorry to tell you, many years. There were many nights I would wake from nightmares and cry and be unable to get back to sleep. But I haven't had those nightmares in longer than I can remember, and my life is full and happy now.
I wish you great courage and true peace.
posted by rdc at 8:47 AM on October 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
In addition to the advice above, I would want to symbolically start a new chapter in my life. I would change my cell phone number, my email address and discard anything else that I could that was associated with the old you.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 10:03 AM on October 5, 2011
posted by JohnnyGunn at 10:03 AM on October 5, 2011
Response by poster: Thanks again for all the wonderful responses. They are truly helpful, and I very much appreciate the time each of you took to share your wisdom. Best wishes to all of you.
posted by kim in chicago at 11:52 AM on October 5, 2011
posted by kim in chicago at 11:52 AM on October 5, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
The actual activity helps keep your brain occupied with something interesting, and you meet new people for friendships or romance.
Pretty cliched advice, but let's face it -- there's no "easy" or "new" way to get over a break-up other than living well.
posted by bardic at 9:27 PM on October 4, 2011 [1 favorite]