What's the glue that makes people stick?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (28 answers total) 49 users marked this as a favorite
I've been struggling with this for so long, it's been years, & I'm all out of ideas.
What is the paradoxical "glue" that makes people "stick" together? I mean the thing that makes you want to hang around somebody consistently & have them in your life?
I seem to make friends easily, but have no luck keeping them in my life. I have been told very often that I am funny, am caring & a good listener. I really do care about people in general & like to make them laugh & see others happy, as I am to be in their company.
But for the life of me I can't seem to create bonds that go any further than that- though I always make an effort to keep in touch (email, texts) or invite people I do like to go out & do things multiple times, that we're both into (common interests). But I always seem to get the blow off, it hurts & I don't know what "imaginary faux pas" I must have commited cause I'm not aware of it, I've tried different approaches to situations & have still gotten the same results.
So what is it that keeps you with a sort of "bond" with someone else, someone you want in your life & what to hang out with on a semi regular basis? Someone you really do care about? I'm not asking for a new bff, (but, really that would be nice). Just someone who wants to go & hang out, & checks up on you through texts just saying hi or something (as I do), & particularly more than every 4 months or so.
Basically I've been this way most of my life. I had short periods of having a sense of "core" friends, which had dissolved for differing reasons through the years. I used to be extremely insecure & socially wounded but have worked past all that & am a completely different person now than I ever was. I really think I am a good person & interesting & like who I am. I like to treat people with kindness & understanding, I don't like to judge people & try to make most experiences light & enjoyable because there is enough bad things & unkindness in the world, I hate to see anyone feeling that way- life is too short. I do little things for people I care about, that's just the way I am.
Growing up I had no support from my family, siblings that were far beyond the definition of cruelty & a parent who did not protect me or even pretty much acknowledge my existence. One of my parents has always been there for me but is frankly a bit of a neurotic mess & clingy/codependent to a high degree that makes it quite hard to deal with most of the time.
Growing up my family was very antisocial & still is- seems everyone has trouble making a lot of friends. So as far as a family bond I really don't have any- maybe this is something others can sense? Possibly I don't have the gene/capacity or ever learned how to forge a lasting bond with other people?
When I hear people walking by talking small talk, I really can't relate & feel quite alienated. I know people stick with people who are like themselves, but I don't seem to find people like me or who think the way I do. I've tried therapy, meetups, but mostly don't connect to anyone. In my life in general, I find my timeline for hanging out with people is about an hour or so & find that if I hang out with them longer than that I get bored or feel what do we do next? Or feel they do, or start figuring what's the point, or I do (not always though, but mostly). I guess I've been alone for so long that's where my interactions end up to- which is not that big of a deal cause generally I don't usually see anybody for more than an hour or so- & I generally don't feel this way with people I really do like, which is far & between. I usually don't find a lot of people I really like & want to hang out with, which is troubling, I guess. I never used to before but now start thinking after a while if we've know each other for a bit, when are they going to leave & stop writing me & be out of my life? (this has happened sooo many times I can't even count, so now it's become a predictable thought because I've had so much history of it happening. I've had so many people just "dissappear"). I know people come and go, but come on, 1 or 2 stick around? Even people who have over & over said to me unsolicitedly that I mean so much to them & how much I've changed their life & that they love me.. Then they seem to want to only hear or initiate seeing each other every 5 months or so, even though I'd try to initiate hanging out with no avail, or just saying hi, the last of which was a short text convo with my last text not responded back to (which has happened a lot before), & this person means a lot to me. Do you not respond back in kind if you happen to hear from them at a later date? I have a hard time being what I feel is rude to people- do onto others seems to get me, but pushover comes to mind as I have been one in the past).
So long story not short, what is it?
It's been years I've been dealing with this & can't find an answer, haven't had a SO in a long time & never really get hit on by the opposite sex, so that's not really going well or helping either.
Are some people just meant to be alone? I can name a lot of people in my family & some I know who seem to be in the same boat. It's strange & I feel I'm a pretty smart person so I should be able to figure out what I'm doing wrong or what's the missing piece here. It just seems no one really wants me in there life permanently, & I don't know why. It's rare when I find someone I really want to be around & really like & connect with, which feels kinda isolating but I guess that's just the way I am. & when I do find someone I really like & feel a strong bond/connection with, they seem to wither off, even though they tell me they feel a deep connection with me & a kindred spirit feeling & really nice things like that, all without being asked & just said when we're not even talking about anything remotely on that subject.
I really don't even enjoy anything I used to, I really don't see the point to most anything anymore. This has just really surface in the last 2 months, as I feel I don't know what to do anymore. Life is full of a lot of things, but it's human connections that make life worth while.
It hurts. I'm lost. I just want love like anyone else, I don't want to wake up on my own anymore. It really hurts my heart.
Sorry for the long post & thanks for reading.
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