Crazy family history...how do I avoid passing it on?

September 23, 2011 3:58 PM

How do I break the cycle of abuse in my family and make a stable, happy and safe environment for my own (future) family? (

I'm feeling like I'm in a bit of a complicated situation family wise and am not sure how to go about this.Sorry for the length!
My immediate biological family, frankly, sucks at best (except for my mom). My dad is an abusive alcoholic with an undiagnosed mental illness, my brothers are strangers I barely know despite efforts otherwise. Mental illness (depression, anxiety, alcoholism, bipolar and schizophrenia ) and a history of abuse runs through both my maternal and paternal family. My parents were both emotionally abused, my dad was emotionally abusive towards me. I realize I am not the sum of my crazy family history, but I am downright terrified of having a family of my own and doing the same things that happened to me. The long and short of it is that I moved out of my parents house after a particularily nasty incident with my dad, got my but into therapy, joined Alnon and moved across the pond to Norway for the year. Things have been slowly getting better. I'm in a place where I can tolerate my dad in small doses, and we can have short and pleasant visits (<5 days).

Among all this, I met a great guy. A great wonderful, sweet guy who I love to bits and would like to marry and start a family with in the next couple of years. However, the thought of starting a family often is terrifying to me. I am so scared that despite an excellent relationship with my boyfriend, something will happen and suddenly I will be married to someone like my father (who is he is NOT anything like, and given absolutely no indication towards the type of behavior I am afraid of) or worse, I will be someone like my father, passing on a toxic family legacy leaving my family in flames behind me.

As a result of my family history I currently cannot deal with conflict in anyway that resembles healthy (working on this). Anger is a scary emotion for me, I don't have much idea of what healthy anger and conflict looks life between a couple/family. I'm worried about my crazy (depression and generalized anxiety disorder) and how this may affect my relationship. And how all of this may come into play as my boyfriend and I start building a future together.

Most of all I do not want to be the parent my father was! There were times I literally did not feel safe in my own house. I would get cornered and yelled at, and if I talked back or tried to get away it would make it three times as worse. Stupid things like not doing my laundry correctly or forgetting to empty the dishwasher would start WWIII. I was sworn at, called names, shamed, ridiculed, and yelled at for things that had nothing to do with me (i.e my mom's behavior)

So, the question is twofold. How do I continue to build a stable and safe relationship with my boyfriend? Do you have any relationship advice for what I can do to avoid dragging family crazy into my relationship with my boyfriend? Also, how do I break the cycle of abuse and alcholism in my family?

posted by snowysoul to human relations (21 answers total)

Move far, far away from your parents. Engage with your family only on your own terms and take your new relationship one day at a time.
posted by 2bucksplus at 4:14 PM on September 23, 2011 [6 favorites]

"You are not your father, mother, or brother. You are you."

Repeat daily, moment by moment if you have to.

The first step is that you, Snowysoul, made the effort to step away from the negative influences of your family. Right there you showed your inner strength and proved that you can give yourself permission to Not Be Them.

There are probably some tough roads ahead, but it sounds like your great, wonderful, sweet guy will be there to be a pillar of strength for you to lean on. But you've got it within yourself to do this, you really can. Believe in it, get therapy if you have to, surround yourself with positivity and good people, and you can leave the bad stuff behind.
posted by HeyAllie at 4:15 PM on September 23, 2011 [1 favorite]

Parenting from the Inside Out is about exactly this question, which lots of people face and successfully deal with.
posted by judith at 4:18 PM on September 23, 2011 [1 favorite]

x2 2bucksplus, but he forgot about the part where you go to therapy so that (1) you can get help understanding how regular people interact, and (2) you don't repeatedly end up with significant others who act just like the family you're trying to break away from. Seriously. You can feel well & healthy in yourself, but we are naturally guided by the patterns we learned from the people around us growing up. Professional intervention will increase the odds of success substantially.
posted by Ys at 4:30 PM on September 23, 2011

Therapy, obviously. Other than that, I think a physical distance between you and your family is very healthy, almost mandatory. You can't fix their problems so it's not right to let them drag you and your boyfriend in their craziness. Knowing that you only need to see them for a couple of hours or days at most can really boost your patience and mood.

I think mindfulness of your past is very important. Mindfulness so you are aware that your social interactions, especially relationships, are affected by your past but that it's enough to register that you're about to have a quirky thought/do something quirky and then letting it go. Don't let the thoughts turn into obsessions, don't try to stop thinking of white bears.

If you sometimes feel confused when it comes to engaging in meaningful relationships with other people, maybe you need to look into how other people successfully do it, because you past experiences might not be that useful. Again, this is where a therapist can help you. You could also be extra perceptive when it comes to great relationships around you and how people work on making them happen.

Obviously your boyfriend needs to understand your past at some point, if only to understand you better. Otherwise there's the risk that he might experience behavior that he cannot make sense of, behavior that is rooted in your past.

Good luck.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 4:33 PM on September 23, 2011 [1 favorite]

Knowing is half the battle.
posted by Flood at 4:38 PM on September 23, 2011 [3 favorites]

What everyone else said, but your genes are your genes.

You're gonna deal with what your kid is genetically given, but so does everyone else.

Being conscious of all this before you have kids is step 1. Then separating yourself from the drama is step 2.
posted by k8t at 4:38 PM on September 23, 2011

Be conscious of what your problems are in your family and yourself is important. What is equally important is to learn how to fight fair. No one can avoid conflict, especially with kids, so you need to learn how to be angry and to fight in an appropriate manner I.e. no physical interaction, name calling, belittling etc. This is something that can be worked through in therapy or anger management. Avoiding all conflict is not the answer, especially if you are starting a family. Most (maybe) children are taught from a young age how to handle conflict but you clearly had bad examples. Learn to deal with this deficit either through books or therapy and continue to be mindful and I'm sure you will be ok.
posted by boobjob at 4:52 PM on September 23, 2011 [1 favorite]

First, have you talked to your Al-Anon group about your fears? I'm sure the entire group has had these exact feelings/thoughts and they most likely have suggestions and stories related to this subject for you.

That being said, I know how you feel. I was also raised in an abusive/alcoholic family and have fears about my children/future husband. What I can tell you is that you won't always feel like this! It will get better. Remind yourself that you are not your parents... that you can create your own family. If your family is toxic, keep a distance from them. I know, it is easier said than done, but the more time that passes without talking to your family, the more you'll get used to it. Keep your head up.
posted by camylanded at 4:53 PM on September 23, 2011

surround yourself with people who have healthy relationships, whether they're friends who can give you good solid advice on relationships or older folks who'll welcome you into their homes. Observe how people interact in a healthy happy family situation will help.

Are you close to your boyfriend's family? Does he have a healthy relationship with his family? If the answer to both is yes, then try to interact with your boyfriend's family more as well.

Yes, keep your distance from your biological family.

And trust yourself that you can, and you will, break the cycle of abuse. People have done it before. So can you!
posted by wcmf at 4:56 PM on September 23, 2011 [1 favorite]

I have a parent who was horrifically abused both physically and mentally as a child and had the same fears that you are expressing when starting a new family. Feel free to memail me for my personal experience growing up in such a family; I'm happy to share with you but I'm not comfortable discussing it here.
posted by Lobster Garden at 5:12 PM on September 23, 2011

Check to see if there are any ACOA groups near you. It is part of Al-Anon family but is for Adult Children of Alcoholics. I found that to be much more useful than Al-Anon, which was filled mostly with wives.

There I learned the characteristics that are common for us, and the pitfalls that others had fallen into. I remember one guy's story of trying to be perfect, do more, but then of course disappointing himself, which led him to alcohol. That was something better to learn from someone else than firsthand. And it has made me aware of my own perfectionistic tendencies and fight them.

While getting physically away is good, I'd argue that you also need to emotionally distance yourself. There came a point for me where I didn't talk to my parent, and frankly it was the best thing I think I did for myself. By not dealing with her BS anymore, I could finally work on me (since everything was always about her, even growing up). Remember that their crap doesn't have to be your crap.

Agree with therapy. You may find you'll need it throughout your life (not saying constantly, but here and there), to keep from going backwards. (I seem to go for two yrs before I can't take more therapy, but then a couple yrs go by and find I could go back.) And you may need meds depending on your situation (I'll probably be on for life).

Something you learn in COA (children of alcoholics, for grade-school kids) is that the trend is that you either become an alcoholic or you marry one. I decided to not drink alcohol because I figure that's the only way to 100% know you'll never become one. So be aware of the statistics and choose life accordingly.

As for a relationship, I totally understand what you are saying. Frankly, one of the reasons I married my husband while still in college was to make sure I didn't frak it up :) He's helped me tremendously over the years, being my rock, my foundation while I learned to be me (and not be my parents). He somehow saw the me through the crap. 18 yrs later we're still happy, and I'm in a good place emotionally. so it can happen :)

As for kids, can't help you there. For reasons you point out, I decided not to have any. Though I've never had the biological urge or inkling to, so it was never a conflict for me.

Good luck!!
posted by evening at 5:13 PM on September 23, 2011 [3 favorites]

You're already on your way to not repeating the cycle. Recognizing and identifying what is and is not appropriate domestic behavior is the first step. While you went through some nastiness, I think to some extent, everyone has to or wants to do things differently than their parents. It's a small thing but my family didn't do dinners at the table and when I started seeing my future husband, we did dinners at the table with his family. And I really liked it. I feel badly because we haven't been able to do dinners at the table but that's something I know I want to do with my family.

I'm sure that I don't need to say this, but your parents don't decide how you treat your future family. This is stuff you have control over. That doesn't mean it's easy but it's doable. Learning how to cope with stress is something you can work on in therapy and practice with your boyfriend. If everyone would learn appropriate ways to cope with stress, the world would be a better place.

And also, I think a lot of people are scared to have families. Being scared is a good thing - it means it's something you take seriously and it means something to you. Your boyfriend is probably at least a little scared to start a family. I think at one point, you decide that you're just going to be scared together and help each other out and go for it.

In general, go slow with your bf, take things one step and one day at a time, be honest with him and yourself. You'll get there. Really.
posted by kat518 at 5:20 PM on September 23, 2011 [1 favorite]

Probably there are lots of healthy, safe feelings you don't have much experience with. My family, the ones who weren't crazy violent had this dead vibe, it wasn't until I found a new family of awesome dance music people that I found myself and felt I had a chance of not becoming my parents. I suggest not putting everything on your bf, try to find a scene that lets you express yourself. I suppose that's a real life version of therapy. Parties with beautiful people will save you, if anything will.
posted by fraac at 5:26 PM on September 23, 2011 [2 favorites]

What is HIS family like? If they are great they can be a good source of modeling healthy family behavior, as well as a source of good solid advice about normal parent-child interaction.
posted by the young rope-rider at 5:49 PM on September 23, 2011 [2 favorites]

I dealt with this by deciding that I probably shouldn't have children. Nothing's impossible, of course, but that's the team I'm on these days.
posted by rhizome at 7:18 PM on September 23, 2011

It takes time, distance, and self-work.

You will never be perfect - don't let that hold you back if you are committed to the overall endeavor and never never ever loose sight of your goal. Never lose sight of your goal!

The rest will come, and you will falter sometimes along the way, but this must be your overriding lifelong passion and goal. Full Stop.

Ask me how know!
posted by jbenben at 8:33 PM on September 23, 2011

I don't have lots of time to respond here, I'll maybe check in later, but reading your question in the reader I sortof really want to throw in one piece.

In my family, same as yours, the obvious acting out person was my father -- thank god not a drinker, it was berserk enough without that.

So when I got out of there, and began to find my feet, and began trying to find the number of the bus that'd hit me there, my father was the likeliest 'bad guy' ie it was awfully easy to point the finger at him. Fish in a barrel. Couldn't miss.

It took a few years before I began to get on to my mothers gig, the part *she* played, and believe me, she did play a part.

It was then that I really began to understand that old saying "Beware the victim."

Together, they'd set up the wackiness we all lived, she didn't participate in setting it all up because she was a picture of stable emotional health; she was in it too, deep as he was, but it was way more crazy-making -- I just flat couldn't see it, there at the first. And she damn sure wasn't going to cop to it, never has and never will.

You ever find yourself saying "Oh, that poor,poor woman!" or "Oh, that poor, poor guy!" it's a good time to open your eyes wide, take a good close look a the whole of the cloth, the black thread and the white thread.

I'm not saying that this was/is the case in your family.

What I am saying is beware the victim.
posted by dancestoblue at 8:39 PM on September 23, 2011 [4 favorites]

Your father and mine could have been brothers. When I left home at 16, I told myself that there wasn't a man alive who could ever hit me again and get by with it. And I've held to that. I also told myself that when I had children, they'd be loved and appreciated and nurtured and I'd never, ever lay a hand on them for any reason.

I had 3 miscarriages, one at 7 months, and finally, one child. I spoiled her rotten, cherished her, built her up and made damn sure she felt secure and loved every minute of her life. She had some rebellious teen years and I was sad and disappointed because it seemed that my efforts to give her all she could possibly want or need in the way of love and security, etc., had not been enough. But then she grew out of that time and then had a child of her own when she was in her early 20s. My daughter turned into the world's best mother and raised her daughter with love and respect and honesty and security, just as I tried to do with her.

I think the cycle of abuse that has circled around and around in my family and my parents' families for generations has been broken now. My granddaughter is 23, happy, wise, optimistic, educated and responsible. I'm 65, content and happy, and my daughter is 45 and happy with her life and her work and her family. We are all fortunate to be free from addiction and mental illness.

Don't let statistics scare you - don't let anyone convince you that if you were beaten, you'll beat your children. Instead, decide to prove them wrong - to smash that statistic to bits. If you want to have a child, do so, knowing that what you've learned about being on the receiving end of abuse has taught you well that that's the last thing you'd ever want to do to your own child. That will be enough - just don't let fear of what "might" happen have any power over you at all.

Be sure your man knows about your background, but don't make it the focus of your life; make your focus what's happening NOW and in the future. My own granddaughter told me once that the reason God gave us eyes in the front of our head as opposed to the back is because he wants us to pay attention to where we're going, not where we've been (told you she's wise!)

If you need therapy, get it - but don't make it a part of your life you can't live without. Enjoy your days and don't let the abuser(s) win by ruining the rest of your life.
posted by aryma at 11:18 PM on September 23, 2011 [14 favorites]

aryma, you're the best.
posted by dancestoblue at 1:22 AM on September 24, 2011

Please consider evening's advice above to not drink. If alcoholism does run in families, whether genetically or as learned behavior, simply staying away from it seems to be prudent behavior for someone in your situation. I have the feeling that you will do fine.
posted by Hobgoblin at 8:36 AM on September 24, 2011