Should I leave this relationship or is there hope?
September 11, 2011 5:17 AM Subscribe
Should I stay in this relationship? Over the course of the past year and a half, I have repeatedly (approximately 5-6 times) discovered that the person I hope to spend my life with has kept information from me. I just don't know that it will ever get better, and am so much in need of an objective set of eyes, please.
posted by lucy40 to Human Relations (32 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
I began a relationship with a man who I adore. With a failed relationship in my past (and his, too), I attended therapy, have asked some tough questions of myself, and vowed that he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with (we are both approximately 40). I have remained steadfast in my vow to be honest with him in all things--each day I remind myself how lucky I am and how much this relationship means. And that I must always be the best person I can be for him. I don't know if I can stress enough how much change I have experienced to get answers to my role in my past relationship so that I never make the same mistake with him.
That said, this man is not perfect--who is? But I am so crazy about him, and I am excited and grateful to have found this human who makes me smile at the thought of him.
There have been disagreements between us, again, no relationship is without those. But from the beginning he has always been defensive and has assumed the worst of me. I thought initially that it was due to his past relationship or the abuse he experienced as a child. I made it my priority to be 100% reliable and steadfast with him so that he would see that he can always count on me and that my deepest wish is to be his partner and uplift him.
I have found out, as I said earlier, at different times in the past year and a half, that he has made a large purchase without sharing it with me (we live together), he has told a mutual friend that she's "hot" (something he did in an e-mail he didn't realize also came to me, and recently I learned that a friend he had in high school has been emailing regularly, with him returning the emails. In fact, we just moved across the country together, and I learned that he called her on the way. This is not information he shared, neither is it information I sought out. During the course of events, the information has just come up--often other people mentioning it to me, with me being completely ignorant about it.
I have never been a jealous person. I guess because I've always been monogamous and honest in relationships, I assumed the same of my partner. I have male friends, and I've always been sure to mention to my partner when I've had communication with them because I never want him feeling uncertain of his place in my life, or wondering anything negative. I've always been clear to everyone that I have a wonderful person in my life. And I know he has female friends. He communicates with them as well. It's the fact that he's had frequent contact with this person that he has chosen not to share with me (when he does share other communications) that causes me to wonder, is it time for me to be honest about this relationship.
Please know that I want this to work more than anything I have ever wanted. I moved across the country, took a new job, just to begin a new life with him. I am willing to hear harsh things about myself if you have such things to say, if it will help.
I am so grateful for any help you can give me; I just don't know what to do, and I don't have anyone I can ask.