Changes are taking the pace I'm going through / Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
September 1, 2011 4:39 AM Subscribe
Help me survive reverse culture shock blues and be more patient with myself. (Lots of anxiety!)
I've just moved back to the US--specifically, Los Angeles--after 6 years abroad in China. I'm lucky enough that I don't need to find a job immediately, and I can take the time to explore and figure out what I want to do next.
The problem is that as a chronic worrier whose anxiety does not deal well with this kind of uncertain situation, I'm finding it very difficult to relax. There's a part of me that needs everything to be decided right. now. Rebuild my social network! Find new friends! Learn to drive again! Get a job! especially as when I first arrived in Beijing years ago, I came cold into the city, and within a month or so had a job, an apartment, and new friends.
Of course, I don't even know where to start with all of this. I left primarily because I wanted to start the next part of my life, the part where I was going to make some real money, find someone to settle down with, etc. However, my primary concern is getting a job. The economy has drastically changed since I last had to look for a job here. I grew up in LA, but I have never been an adult here, so I don't have a huge amount of connections. I'm not even really not sure about what I want to do next, and when I look at job listings for my field (marketing), it seems so overwhelming and I feel that I'm completely unqualified for these positions since marketing in China and marketing in the States are two very different things. All of this is paralyzing, despite all of my anxiety, I haven't even brought myself to update my LinkedIn account or my CV because I don't know where to start.
This is not even getting into how home is the weirdest foreign country I've ever been to. I don't miss China at all (especially as I live in the San Gabriel Valley, which is essentially Asia SoCal style), but I miss my friends, I miss having international friends, and I miss the excitement of being abroad. When you're the one who leaves, it can be so very hard reconnecting with the ones who stay.
It's only been about a week, and there hasn't been a day that has gone by where someone (friends in Beijing, friends in LA, parents) hasn't told me that I just need to relax and enjoy the awesome that is California. And this is true, California IS awesome. Heck, I haven't even gotten over my jetlag yet, I'm up typing this at 4am Los Angeles time because I woke up at 2pm today.
If there's a question in this rambling, it's how can I deal with this better? How can I cultivate patience with myself? Prior to this, I was actually managing my anxiety quite well. While one part of me is having a massive panic attack, the other part is saying, that it's perfectly normal to feel this way. I know that it's all going to end up being okay because...it always has. I was so happy to leave, and if there's one thing I'm certain about in this world now, I know I made the right decision to come home. But...where do I start on the road to the future that I envisioned for myself when I was abroad?
I've just moved back to the US--specifically, Los Angeles--after 6 years abroad in China. I'm lucky enough that I don't need to find a job immediately, and I can take the time to explore and figure out what I want to do next.
The problem is that as a chronic worrier whose anxiety does not deal well with this kind of uncertain situation, I'm finding it very difficult to relax. There's a part of me that needs everything to be decided right. now. Rebuild my social network! Find new friends! Learn to drive again! Get a job! especially as when I first arrived in Beijing years ago, I came cold into the city, and within a month or so had a job, an apartment, and new friends.
Of course, I don't even know where to start with all of this. I left primarily because I wanted to start the next part of my life, the part where I was going to make some real money, find someone to settle down with, etc. However, my primary concern is getting a job. The economy has drastically changed since I last had to look for a job here. I grew up in LA, but I have never been an adult here, so I don't have a huge amount of connections. I'm not even really not sure about what I want to do next, and when I look at job listings for my field (marketing), it seems so overwhelming and I feel that I'm completely unqualified for these positions since marketing in China and marketing in the States are two very different things. All of this is paralyzing, despite all of my anxiety, I haven't even brought myself to update my LinkedIn account or my CV because I don't know where to start.
This is not even getting into how home is the weirdest foreign country I've ever been to. I don't miss China at all (especially as I live in the San Gabriel Valley, which is essentially Asia SoCal style), but I miss my friends, I miss having international friends, and I miss the excitement of being abroad. When you're the one who leaves, it can be so very hard reconnecting with the ones who stay.
It's only been about a week, and there hasn't been a day that has gone by where someone (friends in Beijing, friends in LA, parents) hasn't told me that I just need to relax and enjoy the awesome that is California. And this is true, California IS awesome. Heck, I haven't even gotten over my jetlag yet, I'm up typing this at 4am Los Angeles time because I woke up at 2pm today.
If there's a question in this rambling, it's how can I deal with this better? How can I cultivate patience with myself? Prior to this, I was actually managing my anxiety quite well. While one part of me is having a massive panic attack, the other part is saying, that it's perfectly normal to feel this way. I know that it's all going to end up being okay because...it always has. I was so happy to leave, and if there's one thing I'm certain about in this world now, I know I made the right decision to come home. But...where do I start on the road to the future that I envisioned for myself when I was abroad?
Lists, lists, lists. Write down everything your worried brain tells you you should do. Then organize that stuff according to urgency, and discard whatever feels unnecessary. Now make a realistic day-per-day plan, including coffee and relax-time. Stick to the plan, while (with honesty) evaluating what you've done thus far. Allow for 1-2 free or almost free days a week. Stick to regular sleep routines.
Other than that, give it some time. In my experience, this kind of transition blues goes over much faster on the way out than after coming back. So, doing a funded study term abroad, for example, requires a few days of intense work to get properly set up (all the minor things like signing up at the university/department, getting e-mail accounts and passwords, getting to know everyone, telephone, bank, whatnot) and then you'll find that you have been propelled into your new life without really noticing, and can directly get active with whatever you're supposed to do there. Coming back, much of the pressure to get stuff done is lacking, so one easily goes into some prolonged jet-lag-sans-motivation mode that takes a month or two to get out of. You'll be fine, though.
posted by Namlit at 5:16 AM on September 1, 2011
Other than that, give it some time. In my experience, this kind of transition blues goes over much faster on the way out than after coming back. So, doing a funded study term abroad, for example, requires a few days of intense work to get properly set up (all the minor things like signing up at the university/department, getting e-mail accounts and passwords, getting to know everyone, telephone, bank, whatnot) and then you'll find that you have been propelled into your new life without really noticing, and can directly get active with whatever you're supposed to do there. Coming back, much of the pressure to get stuff done is lacking, so one easily goes into some prolonged jet-lag-sans-motivation mode that takes a month or two to get out of. You'll be fine, though.
posted by Namlit at 5:16 AM on September 1, 2011
Best answer: First - this is totally normal and is called reverse culture shock.
Completely normal. The problem is that living abroad changes you in ways you don't quite comprehend. The United States is the same it's always been, you're friends are the same as they've always been, you're the one who's different.
It may or may not go over. Problem is that you are permanently different. Once you've seen the United States as a "foreigner" it's impossible to see it the same way as you did before. You may not be "fine" and that's OK. It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you. It just means you've grown. It can be really hard to force your new peg into the old hole.
When my wife moved back to Seattle after six years in Vienna, she hated it. So much so that when I came and swept her off her feet (or something like that) a few years later, she did not hesitate for a moment to move to live with me in Sweden. Even though she grew up in Seattle and had (and still has) family and friends there, she was too different to fit back in. Everyone expected her to be the same, but she was different.
After living abroad for almost 20 years myself, I can hardly spend a week in the United States without getting that creeping feeling "I gots to gets me out of this nuthouse." Don't get me wrong, I love America, and I love Americans even more. The friendly, easy, casual way that is the hallmark of American life is something I desperately miss at times, but much: the materialism, the traffic, the grocery stores with two aisles of pet food, the big cars, the big houses, the high-speed tempo, the utterly wasteful way of living, just doesn't resonate with me anymore. I can't and I won't.
I think the thing is to understand that you have been permanently warped by your experience and you just won't ever get back to where you were. If you're gonna make it work it will have to be in a different way than before. And if not, there's nothing wrong with that. The world is big and there are lots of wonderful places to live.
posted by three blind mice at 5:25 AM on September 1, 2011 [14 favorites]
Completely normal. The problem is that living abroad changes you in ways you don't quite comprehend. The United States is the same it's always been, you're friends are the same as they've always been, you're the one who's different.
It may or may not go over. Problem is that you are permanently different. Once you've seen the United States as a "foreigner" it's impossible to see it the same way as you did before. You may not be "fine" and that's OK. It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you. It just means you've grown. It can be really hard to force your new peg into the old hole.
When my wife moved back to Seattle after six years in Vienna, she hated it. So much so that when I came and swept her off her feet (or something like that) a few years later, she did not hesitate for a moment to move to live with me in Sweden. Even though she grew up in Seattle and had (and still has) family and friends there, she was too different to fit back in. Everyone expected her to be the same, but she was different.
After living abroad for almost 20 years myself, I can hardly spend a week in the United States without getting that creeping feeling "I gots to gets me out of this nuthouse." Don't get me wrong, I love America, and I love Americans even more. The friendly, easy, casual way that is the hallmark of American life is something I desperately miss at times, but much: the materialism, the traffic, the grocery stores with two aisles of pet food, the big cars, the big houses, the high-speed tempo, the utterly wasteful way of living, just doesn't resonate with me anymore. I can't and I won't.
I think the thing is to understand that you have been permanently warped by your experience and you just won't ever get back to where you were. If you're gonna make it work it will have to be in a different way than before. And if not, there's nothing wrong with that. The world is big and there are lots of wonderful places to live.
posted by three blind mice at 5:25 AM on September 1, 2011 [14 favorites]
What's enjoyable about where you are right now (or nearby) that you couldn't have or do in China? Focus on that stuff for a little while, and then make sure you continue to include some of it in your life as time goes by.
posted by Ahab at 5:31 AM on September 1, 2011
posted by Ahab at 5:31 AM on September 1, 2011
Best answer: Play it like you're an actor immersing yourself in a role. You're going to star in a television series in which you play a certain type of American.
Figure out who that character is -- write down the type of American you were or the type of American you want to be from now on. Then dive in. Watch the stuff on TV that this character would watch. Listen to the stuff that this character would listen to. Read what that character would read. Hang out where this character would hang out. If your character would surf, then surf. If your character would ride a bike or drive a fast car or go hang gliding or scuba diving or dumpster diving or studying or speed dating, that's what you have to do, because the script is going to call for it and you have to be ready. As an actor, try to get inside this role, inside this fictional character's skin. Learn to be that person. Prepare.
Just remember to occasionally take a break from your acting job. To blow off steam, go somewhere you can relax and be the Chinese you. Spend time with Chinese friends or family, go to the Chinesiest Chinese places you can find, and go try to do the stuff you did in China.
Then get back on the job. Your public awaits you.
posted by pracowity at 5:46 AM on September 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
Figure out who that character is -- write down the type of American you were or the type of American you want to be from now on. Then dive in. Watch the stuff on TV that this character would watch. Listen to the stuff that this character would listen to. Read what that character would read. Hang out where this character would hang out. If your character would surf, then surf. If your character would ride a bike or drive a fast car or go hang gliding or scuba diving or dumpster diving or studying or speed dating, that's what you have to do, because the script is going to call for it and you have to be ready. As an actor, try to get inside this role, inside this fictional character's skin. Learn to be that person. Prepare.
Just remember to occasionally take a break from your acting job. To blow off steam, go somewhere you can relax and be the Chinese you. Spend time with Chinese friends or family, go to the Chinesiest Chinese places you can find, and go try to do the stuff you did in China.
Then get back on the job. Your public awaits you.
posted by pracowity at 5:46 AM on September 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
I don't think this is the answer you're looking for, but you're probably just going to have to spaz out for a while. Transitions make people jumpy, and you're not going to be all sorted (new friends! new job! cultural acclimation!) in a week or a month. The United States is weird. Welcome home.
posted by hungrytiger at 6:14 AM on September 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by hungrytiger at 6:14 AM on September 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Living in Liminality
and reading some of the article here and here may help.
My coping strategy started with recognizing that, after 17 years in Italy, I had no idea how anything worked in the US. I had visited often enough to observe many changes, but I hadn’t had to deal with the everyday hassles of actually living here. Health care and insurance, for example, are hugely complex and confusing, I suspect on purpose. Having to go through the entire process to get a new driver’s license yet again was irritating (though not as bad as I’d feared). Buying a car was overwhelming. It’s hard not to look or feel like an idiot when you are so entirely ignorant of experiences that your peers take for granted.
My solution was simply to tell everyone I dealt with, at the beginning of each conversation: “I’ve been out of the country for a long time, so practically everything is new to me. Can you please explain?” And they were all happy to do so. I learned plenty by not being afraid to ask “dumb” questions. And perhaps my upfront admission of foreignness diminished the perceived insult on the occasions when, wild with frustration and confusion, I blurted out: “That doesn’t make any sense!” (NB: Usually in reference to health care.)
Keywords - hidden immigrants, third culture kids, global nomads, re-entry shock
posted by infini at 6:49 AM on September 1, 2011 [5 favorites]
and reading some of the article here and here may help.
My coping strategy started with recognizing that, after 17 years in Italy, I had no idea how anything worked in the US. I had visited often enough to observe many changes, but I hadn’t had to deal with the everyday hassles of actually living here. Health care and insurance, for example, are hugely complex and confusing, I suspect on purpose. Having to go through the entire process to get a new driver’s license yet again was irritating (though not as bad as I’d feared). Buying a car was overwhelming. It’s hard not to look or feel like an idiot when you are so entirely ignorant of experiences that your peers take for granted.
My solution was simply to tell everyone I dealt with, at the beginning of each conversation: “I’ve been out of the country for a long time, so practically everything is new to me. Can you please explain?” And they were all happy to do so. I learned plenty by not being afraid to ask “dumb” questions. And perhaps my upfront admission of foreignness diminished the perceived insult on the occasions when, wild with frustration and confusion, I blurted out: “That doesn’t make any sense!” (NB: Usually in reference to health care.)
Keywords - hidden immigrants, third culture kids, global nomads, re-entry shock
posted by infini at 6:49 AM on September 1, 2011 [5 favorites]
You need to focus on getting over your jet lag. Whenever I go back to Australia (from the US) to visit about a week after I land I have a day or 2 where I completely fall apart. I feel surreal and lost and feel like I can't remember where home is and feel well totally lost and for the most part we have concluded its just my reaction to jet lag and the emotions involved. It is a horrible horrible feeling and had me on one visit curled up on the floor in the bathroom sobbing my heart out and yelling at my family I hated them because they lived in the wrong country.
Get yourself on a proper sleep cycle. I know its hard, it might be too late by try melanin tablets, but there is a LOT of advice online for getting over jetlag. Keep to a sleep/eat cycle that matches local time but don't use drugs to try and make you sleep. If you wake up at 2am stay in bed and do quiet things in the dark or very low light you are trying to convince your brain its night and make it reset itself.
Once you are over the jet lag you will find everything else much easier to face. Be kind and gentle to yourself for the next few weeks it will take you time to get used to being back in the US and to things being different. I know anxiety is hard to let go off, but you don't have to solve all those problems right now, right now you have to take a deep breath and let your body and mind adjust to their new surroundings. Take a week or so of just being kind to yourself, go for long walks in the sun during the day, eat foods you couldn't find in China, maybe go to the beach or the mountains and just sit quietly and take it all in.
You may find out you no longer feel at home here like three blind mice that's fine too, but don't rush it give it some time. If you feel really disjointed pretend the US is a new country you are visiting and try and enjoy it on that level. Remember the excitement and confusion you first had when you landed in China, think of it like that.
posted by wwax at 7:16 AM on September 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
Get yourself on a proper sleep cycle. I know its hard, it might be too late by try melanin tablets, but there is a LOT of advice online for getting over jetlag. Keep to a sleep/eat cycle that matches local time but don't use drugs to try and make you sleep. If you wake up at 2am stay in bed and do quiet things in the dark or very low light you are trying to convince your brain its night and make it reset itself.
Once you are over the jet lag you will find everything else much easier to face. Be kind and gentle to yourself for the next few weeks it will take you time to get used to being back in the US and to things being different. I know anxiety is hard to let go off, but you don't have to solve all those problems right now, right now you have to take a deep breath and let your body and mind adjust to their new surroundings. Take a week or so of just being kind to yourself, go for long walks in the sun during the day, eat foods you couldn't find in China, maybe go to the beach or the mountains and just sit quietly and take it all in.
You may find out you no longer feel at home here like three blind mice that's fine too, but don't rush it give it some time. If you feel really disjointed pretend the US is a new country you are visiting and try and enjoy it on that level. Remember the excitement and confusion you first had when you landed in China, think of it like that.
posted by wwax at 7:16 AM on September 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
Jetlag can be a killer--especially after you've been abroad for a long time. Air travel is really dislocating and unnatural, and it's normal that you feel weird right now. I lived in Ireland for a year, and when I flew back to California I was pretty freaked out for a few weeks. But things did get better. I don't know what the climate is like in Beijing, but I found adjusting to the hot, dry CA summer quite difficult, and I felt much better when winter rolled around.
Regarding the job, maybe you can find a US company that markets to China? Your experience (and presumably, facility with the language) are assets, not drawbacks. It's a rough market out there, but you are lucky to have specialized, valuable skills. Working in a Chinese-culture environment might ease the homesickness, too.
posted by Nibbly Fang at 10:54 AM on September 1, 2011
Regarding the job, maybe you can find a US company that markets to China? Your experience (and presumably, facility with the language) are assets, not drawbacks. It's a rough market out there, but you are lucky to have specialized, valuable skills. Working in a Chinese-culture environment might ease the homesickness, too.
posted by Nibbly Fang at 10:54 AM on September 1, 2011
Just wanted to say that I'm getting ready to face a similar situation, so feel free to MeFi mail me if you want someone to commiserate with.
posted by ladybird at 10:54 AM on September 1, 2011
posted by ladybird at 10:54 AM on September 1, 2011
LA native here - but grew up in the Westside - and lived in Beijing for two years. Remember the feeling of disorientation well, coming back to LA, with no job and a new situation (went overseas single and came back married).
Even though I've been back for >10 years, I can so clearly remember the feeling of being a stranger in a strangely familiar place - things were the same yet I knew that I was looking at the same things through different eyes.
I'd recommend something along the lines of what I ended up doing - since I knew that the work-world was ahead of me (although no acute pressure to start looking for employment immediately) I came up with several fun things that I had wanted to do. Drive up to Monterey, live in a tent in Sequoia, eat breakfast on 'Seal Cliff' in San Francisco, go boating on Lake Tahoe. You get the idea - it looks like vacation, it seems like vacation, but you are just doing things that you enjoy, as a visitor to a new place. And of course you are seeing it for the first time, with all the richness of your recent experiences fresh in your mind, and seeing the US really for the first time, no matter how many times you've visited Monterey, Sequoia, San Francisco or Lake Tahoe.
The other thing is to indulge yourself right where you are with things you had to with-hold from while being overseas - for me I really missed large english-language bookstores (ah Barnes and Noble!), certain kinds of restaurants (hello Tito's Tacos), specific friends that I kept in contact with during the time I was away, and of course the family ties.
Granted you are and will always be a strange bird - 'natives' here who do not have much international experience will continue their narrow, provincial ways, and won't appreciate your perspective. But you had a future you envisioned, and the road begins right where you are today (okay, in a few days after the jet-lag wears off, which it will if you take some simple steps as mentioned above).
How to get started on that road you envisioned? Think, and start making some plans, and take some small steps. Try to enjoy the unique time you have to readjust to life in the 'States; soon enough you'll re-acclimate to both the great things and the not-so-great, from a deeper and richer perspective.
posted by scooterdog at 6:21 PM on September 1, 2011
Even though I've been back for >10 years, I can so clearly remember the feeling of being a stranger in a strangely familiar place - things were the same yet I knew that I was looking at the same things through different eyes.
I'd recommend something along the lines of what I ended up doing - since I knew that the work-world was ahead of me (although no acute pressure to start looking for employment immediately) I came up with several fun things that I had wanted to do. Drive up to Monterey, live in a tent in Sequoia, eat breakfast on 'Seal Cliff' in San Francisco, go boating on Lake Tahoe. You get the idea - it looks like vacation, it seems like vacation, but you are just doing things that you enjoy, as a visitor to a new place. And of course you are seeing it for the first time, with all the richness of your recent experiences fresh in your mind, and seeing the US really for the first time, no matter how many times you've visited Monterey, Sequoia, San Francisco or Lake Tahoe.
The other thing is to indulge yourself right where you are with things you had to with-hold from while being overseas - for me I really missed large english-language bookstores (ah Barnes and Noble!), certain kinds of restaurants (hello Tito's Tacos), specific friends that I kept in contact with during the time I was away, and of course the family ties.
Granted you are and will always be a strange bird - 'natives' here who do not have much international experience will continue their narrow, provincial ways, and won't appreciate your perspective. But you had a future you envisioned, and the road begins right where you are today (okay, in a few days after the jet-lag wears off, which it will if you take some simple steps as mentioned above).
How to get started on that road you envisioned? Think, and start making some plans, and take some small steps. Try to enjoy the unique time you have to readjust to life in the 'States; soon enough you'll re-acclimate to both the great things and the not-so-great, from a deeper and richer perspective.
posted by scooterdog at 6:21 PM on September 1, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by k8t at 4:51 AM on September 1, 2011