The parents kicked me out for being gay. What can I do now to make sure I stay emotionally healthy, and how do I deal with my complicated feelings surrounding this? Has anyone else been through this?
posted by Autumn to human relations (69 answers total) 20 users marked this as a favorite
By "the parents" I mean Mom and her boyfriend. Bio Dad has been quite supportive and is the main reason I'm not on the streets right now; I can't stay with him but I'm using the money he gave me to stay in a hotel until I find a roommate or an apartment. I'm 21. I came out in June. This happened around a week ago.
I went out to see my girlfriend and my parents tried to follow me around to find her (we'd stopped meeting at the house at their request) and talk to her. This hasn't gone well in the past and usually consisted of BF telling her he'd call the police on her, etc.
I went back to the house so I wouldn't lead them to her, and Mom said she just wanted to have a civil talk. Just her, because of BF's actions last time. We agreed, were having the talk, which was about how my seeing a woman was causing problems between her and BF.
Then BF rolls up some ten minutes later. That's when things got bad. He basically told the girlfriend that she couldn't offer me anything other than sex, called her a bulldyke, said our relationship didn't mean anything, etc etc. Then they both threatened to call the police to get her information, and drive up to her house and out her to her Mom. When GF said the police wouldn't give out that information, BF said that money talks and insinuated that he'd hired a private investigator. Then they started trying to accuse me of sleeping around, cycling through people, etc. Basically trying to tell my girlfriend that I wasn't really serious about her.
Sometime in that conversation they told me that if I chose to stay with her the door would be locked and they wouldn't let me back in. BF doesn't want homosexuals on his property, and Mom wanted me out because of the problems I was causing between them.
GF started to cry as they were driving way, so I wrapped my arms around her. They had to drive past us to get out of the complex so when they passed us hugging BF yelled out the window "That's sick!"
The thing that gets to me about this is that Mom didn't seem to care much about me seeing a woman. She'd be fine, then he would say something to her and THEN she would get upset with me. She told me that he would get angry with her for being unable to "control" the situation, and wasn't happy with her parenting style. She said that he went from wanting to marry her to wanting her to move out, would complain to her every day for hours, etc and that she was stressed out and that things didn't feel like "home" anymore. The night before this happened she told me she was moving out because since he wasn't going to change and I wasn't going to change, that was the only option. I felt really guilty at the time because I felt like it was my fault, but after all this I just don't know how to feel.
I feel like she picked him over me. Their relationship has lasted six years or so, but still, I'm her kid. I can understand that she felt torn, but, I dunno. Before this incident I was angry with him for blaming things on her, but now it's like... I never blamed her for his actions, so why am I the one who gets the short end of the stick?
I grew up thinking she didn't love me because of certain things that happened, but in the past few years I started to think, "Well, she does love me, she just doesn't know how to show it and the things she says when she's upset are just words." But now I feel like this is just "proof" that she really doesn't love me, and it really hurts. She had no idea that Dad had given me a substantial amount of money the last time this happened (no arguing, they just locked the door when I came back and wouldn't let me back in. I was on the streets for a few hours, called up Dad to take me to get my stuff, but Mom said she wanted to work things out and so I moved back in) so as far as she knew I'd have to be on the streets.
She has texted me and called me about "working things out," but I know that BF's feelings haven't changed so I haven't responded. I haven't spoken to her because what happened really, really hurts. I don't want her to think everything is OK. I know she does care, in a way, or she wouldn't be texting me. At the same time, she basically stood there and let BF call my girlfriend a bulldyke, say we were sick, and laughed along with him. (she's said similar things but hasn't in a few months), so it's like... why is she now like "how were classes today?"
I'm not trying to say she's all bad, because I know she's human and feels torn between her child and her BF. And maybe I shouldn't feel entitled because I'm her child, I don't know. I know she's probably upset over the situation too. My Dad suggested to me awhile ago that I start lying about who I was going out with, or just not tell them at all (I always tell them with who, where, and when/if I'll be back). It seems like Mom would have preferred I lie to BF (I suspect she was lying about it since I didn't have any problems with him for about a month, then he saw her picking me up one day andyeah.) So, to be fair, I could have tried harder to keep BF oblivious. I didn't know the problems between them had gotten that bad until the night before the incident, when Mom told me.
I'm prone to depression and I know that if I don't head this off I could get into a really dark place emotionally. I was quite happy before all this happened and I just want to be OK. I'm not really close to any of my family and I feel like I just don't have one. I mean, Mom's are supposed to love you no matter what, right? But BF basically asked her to choose between me and him and she picked him. That really, really hurts.
I know exercise and eating right helps, but... how do I process this? I can't afford a therapist right now. I've been OK at times and at times I just get randomly down and snippy with GF. I just got out of a major depression not too long ago, was learning that life is about perception, etc. Heck, my last journal entry before this happened was about how happy I was. But now I just feel sad a lot of the time again, and GF is generally a happy and chipper person, and I feel upset with myself that I can't get back to that place. I can't tell you how long it took me to get out of pessimistic mood and generally be an optimistic person. It was a lot of hard work and I feel like this incident just undid that.
I realize I'll be upset for a bit but I don't want it to change me and put me in some dark place again. What can I do to stay positive?