“That’s so gay”: How do you ask/remind people to be a little bit more sensitive without being a buzzkill in social situations?
March 17, 2010 9:11 AM Subscribe
“That’s so gay”: How do you ask/remind people to be a little bit more sensitive without being a buzzkill in social situations?
I’ve found myself in too many social situations with friends and friends-of-friends/acquaintances where the conversation leads to someone talking about homosexuality or gay stereotypes in a slightly pejorative-to-very pejorative nature. Don’t get me wrong, nothing of the hate-mongering “I HATE THEM QUEERS” nature by any means – they just obviously haven’t been “enlightened” (I hate that word) by a gender studies course or a book about feminism/sexuality or even really considered how the sorts of things that they say can be damaging.
Examples: At a dinner party a few nights ago the conversation shifted to some catty gossip about people we used to date in high school. Someone mentioned an ex girlfriend who is now a lesbian and people started talking about how she’s probably not really a lesbian and is just doing it for attention, and how “a lot of people ‘decide’ to be gay because it’s a ‘trend’” or something of that nature (cue Lindsay Lohan gossip, etc). This really pissed me off. Another example was when two girls were talking about how hey thought a male friend of theirs was gay because they haven’t seen him with a girl in years and because he enjoys cooking. They seemed annoyed that he “hasn’t come out of the closet yet” (as if that would even be any of their business). I found it to be an utterly ridiculous conclusion to make about someone. I’m also irritated when guys preface statements with “I’m not gay or anything but [I like your shoes/I went shopping today/I really like Elton John“ as if being associated with gay stereotypes/people in any way is the most terrible thing a red blooded uber-masculine heterosexual guy can do.
And of course, people are pretty mindless about throwing around the phrase “gay” in a purely pejorative sense – “that movie was gay” etc. The one time I looked someone in the eye and said “please don’t use the word gay like that,” they apologized but all of the sudden there was an awkward silence. I got the sense that people thought I was some sort of stuck-up PC-enforcer who went and ruined what was otherwise a really lighthearted conversation. I felt like a self-righteous ass. A lot of it may have had to do with the fact that I’m not gay myself, so they wouldn’t really understand why I would care about something like that.
I know that a lot of these people that I witness these types of interactions with aren’t homophobes or gay-bashers and they are far from closed-minded – they usually just don’t know any better. They’re just used to a world where this sort of behavior is enforced and sometimes rewarded (with laughs, more conversation, etc) instead of frowned upon.
But I just get so furious when people talk like this – my heart starts pounding, my mind starts racing, and I want to correct them and call them out on their bullshit and make them think about what they actually said. Is there any way to do this WITHOUT causing an awkward silence, WITHOUT making everyone think that I take things too seriously and WITHOUT being a buzzkill, especially given that these situations almost always take place when everyone is laughing and having fun? Any stories or examples or advice is greatly appreciated.
It’s also worth noting that these are usually not close friends, but friends-of-friends and acquaintances that I often come into contact with during gatherings, dinner parties, nights out, etc.
posted by anonymous to human relations (101 answers total) 22 users marked this as a favorite
If you're in a big crowd, just walk away or say, "What are you? In the fourth grade? Who says that anymore?" and laugh at him.
posted by anniecat at 9:15 AM on March 17, 2010 [6 favorites]