1st Time Meetup No Clicky! Do I Stay With My Exit Line?

July 31, 2011 6:26 PM

Am I done with her?????

Had a meeting with woman through dating website. Not attracted to her. Super needy. Most of the meeting was giving her support and making sure I left her encouraged and in a good space. I messaged her later and told her I liked our chat but I am not attracted to her and wished her well. I feel I told her cleanly per many AskMeFI threads. She messaged back and says she still wants to be friends. I don't want to respond back to the message. I don't want be friends even if she feels we made a connection. Period.

Feeling guilt. Am I being to much of a hard ass?

posted by goalyeehah to human relations (25 answers total)

No guilt necessary. You did your part; from what you described you've behaved appropriately; you only went on one date, if I judge your message correctly. You have no need for guilt - not responding to her is 100% the correct path.
posted by Tomorrowful at 6:28 PM on July 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

Yes, stay with your exit line and don't reply to her offer of friends.
No, not being a hard ass. You are being honest and acting healthy.
posted by the fish at 6:29 PM on July 31, 2011 [2 favorites]

A hard ass about what? You sound like you did everything fine. I wouldn't have texted her and said "I'm not attracted to you" if that's what you said, but just consider that a learning for next time.
posted by sweetkid at 6:30 PM on July 31, 2011 [2 favorites]

The right thing! If she "wants to be friends" in the hope of winning your affections, she's setting you both up for unhappiness. If she truly wants to be friends but you feel that you can't handle a new friend who is already clinging and needy, you have no obligation to befriend her. One meeting does not place any obligations on you outside the confines of the date. Sometimes it's kind and good to help needy strangers - even if they're clingy or annoying - but only you can judge whether you have the energy to do that, and it's always a case-by-case basis anyway.
posted by Frowner at 6:36 PM on July 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

You're cool, dude. Upfront and honest is always the best way.
posted by mleigh at 6:38 PM on July 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

Of course she wants to be friends, you made her feel wonderful! But it wasn't fun for you, and that's not a good basis for friendship. If you feel you must reply, say something short and to the point like "I'm sorry, but that won't be possible. I've got as many friends as I can handle at this time. Good luck in your dating endeavors!" Frankly, I wouldn't respond at all. You've already said what needed to be said, and anything further is likely to prolong it.
posted by stoneweaver at 6:40 PM on July 31, 2011 [3 favorites]

Ignoring her text is neither upfront nor honest. Replying, "I'm sorry, but I'm really looking for the romantic attraction" is.
posted by likeso at 6:50 PM on July 31, 2011 [9 favorites]

You are never obligated to have a friendship for any reason.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 6:50 PM on July 31, 2011 [2 favorites]

Woah, woah, woah. You are not responsible for her mental health, for making her feel supported, or anything else. At this point I would send one last message (some great examples upthread) and then I would block her on social media and ignore any further contact.

This is really an extreme amount of obligation that you feel towards someone you hardly know and it doesn't seem like the basis of a healthy friendship for either one of you.
posted by the young rope-rider at 6:54 PM on July 31, 2011

You already told her romance isn't happening. I think she'll figure out that you don't want to be friends when you don't write back.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:55 PM on July 31, 2011

I agree with likeso. She hasn't done anything that is an imposition (even if her request was, in the context of your message, somewhat obtuse). Basic courtesy dictates you respond letting her know you won't be communicating further: you're only interested in pursuing romantic relationships through this website, you aren't interested in pursuing new friendships. After that you can ignore further communication.
posted by nanojath at 6:57 PM on July 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

On second thought: I stand by what I said, but, it costs you nothing to write back once that you're not looking for new friends and wish her the best. That would take less time than posting this AskMe did.
posted by J. Wilson at 7:01 PM on July 31, 2011

You're not required by law to like anyone. I know the feeling- I feel awful when I'm less than kind to someone, but sometimes you just have to. Suck it up and move on. She'll get the message soon enough.
posted by GilloD at 8:05 PM on July 31, 2011

No, you were nice enough to send a clear closing message, more than 90% of people do. You've said your piece and it's fair to leave it at that. Oddly enough, by not playing along with the ambiguous drama she's offering as a way to extend contact, you may help her in the long run.
posted by Miko at 8:50 PM on July 31, 2011 [2 favorites]

Like as not, she wants to use friendship as a wedge into a relationship. Stick with a succinct but kind "no, sorry, but I wish you well" and don't respond again.

You might feel bad, cutting her off like that, but it's the kindest way in the long run.
posted by Metroid Baby at 9:03 PM on July 31, 2011 [2 favorites]

You're not obligated to send a final "sorry, I'm not interested in friendship" sort of message, but that is the nicest thing you can do, I think. It tells her in no uncertain terms where your interest stands but moreover, waiting for an email that's never going to come can be brutal. Especially for an insecure sort of person (which it sounds like she is). Directness is the least painful route.
posted by houndsoflove at 9:08 PM on July 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

I've tried the gentle "thanks but I'm not looking for new friends" message before and the guy went batshit crazy on me. So don't feel obligated to continue the conversation.
posted by roger ackroyd at 10:34 PM on July 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

Yeah, just let it go. You've made your feelings clear, don't let her manipulate you into continuing a conversation or send her mixed messages about the possibility of continued contact. You say "I'm not looking for new friends", thinking that this is putting an end to the exchange, but if she's as clingy as you describe she'll probably just see that as an invitation to continue the conversation. She'll probably keep trying to stay in touch as long as you keep answering her, so let it drop after this and hopefully she'll get the hint, and move on to find someone else.
posted by the luke parker fiasco at 11:45 PM on July 31, 2011

Run.
posted by spicynuts at 12:39 AM on August 1, 2011

Another vote for you being fine just moving on without responding. I get why people think that's unkind, but... See, I had a very similar experience when online dating (only with the genders reversed). Dude was self-centered, needy, and unpleasant to interact with. (And had a different hair color than his profile pic.) I was nice and kept a conversation afloat and then boogied out of there as soon as politeness allowed.

Dude sent a "Wow let's go out again!" message within, like, an hour of the end of the date, and then responded to my (polite) decline with the "But I have so many first dates, and nobody gives me a chance to be me! I need a second date to shine!" guilt trip. (And I felt pretty damn guilty.) In a different instance, I got the "But at least we could be friends!" thing after telling someone who'd messaged me I wasn't interested (more than once, come to think of it).

In my experience, responding to those messages did not bring closure -- only different guilt-trips in response. It'd be one thing if you hadn't sent a not-interested message already, or if she'd seemed merely not your type. But if you're feeling this kind of guilt over one date? I'm guessing there's some reason for that, and I don't think it's you. You gave her a clear message. I think you're right to not want to send another one -- and I suspect the way you're feeling that way is because you're feeling that she'd react badly or continue not to hear you're not interested, right?

Incidentally, I know this gets recommended all the time on Ask, but I found The Gift of Fear really, really useful for resetting my boundaries with respect to online dating. You don't owe anyone a relationship, friendship or otherwise.
posted by pie ninja at 3:59 AM on August 1, 2011 [2 favorites]

I don't want to belabor the point, nor do I think you're responsible for her mental health, but I really do think that ignoring an unstable person and leaving the possibility of a "did he not get my message? is he thinking it over? should I message him again?" train of thought open will be at least as likely to get additional messages from her.

If you're able to block her, this point is moot and if you're really uncomfortable with the thought of engaging further, you can just do that. But if you know you'll see however she responds to a message or to no message (like if you're in text/IM/email communication with her) and you're worried about your guilt response kicking in, I want to caution against leaving her to draw her own conclusions. Especially when you have been generous enough to "wish her well." In my experience, it is NOT responding that makes the other person continue to obsess and stalk your profile/keep trying to contact you, because they feel a possibility is still there and all they have to do is convince you of it because you haven't said "no, never" yet.
posted by houndsoflove at 4:44 AM on August 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

(I have also had a couple of guys contact me after being told "no, never," and hey, being faced with that kind of obtuseness? It's real easy to lose your guilt. Just saying.)
posted by houndsoflove at 4:52 AM on August 1, 2011 [2 favorites]

To be fair to this girl, who seems to be taking some heat in this thread for not getting the hint that you don't want to be friends -- you never said that. What you said was that you're not attracted to her but you enjoyed your conversation. That's what friends are made of, right? People who have good conversation and enjoy hanging out but aren't hot for each other.

Normally your response would have gotten the job done because normally people who get rejected romantically don't want to be friends. I don't know if she does; maybe she's hoping to sneak her way into a relationship or win you over. But if you really are worried about cutting things off cleanly like you said, one (and only one) more message saying as little as "no, sorry" would be appropriate.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:35 AM on August 1, 2011 [2 favorites]

I would ignore the message. That is what I would want if I was in her place. Everyone is different though.

Actually, I would have felt upset if you messaged me just to say you weren't attracted to me without my initiated the text. It seems awfully harsh and somewhat arrogant. I would rather just be ignored. I tend to figure if the guy is interested, he'll message me again, if not, "oh, well." If I received a message out of the blue saying that a guy wasn't attracted to me, I would not like it and probably think he was being a jerk.

It's a little odd that she replied to you at all in fact.
posted by parakeetdog at 1:21 PM on August 1, 2011

Super needy.

A reply back will tickle her "needy" button more than her turning a date into a counseling session already did. You've said all there is to say, and you weren't a hardass about it.
posted by Rykey at 3:31 PM on August 1, 2011