Re-phrasing a difficult email to sound less intense / in-depending relationship doom and more of a no-pressure, open conversation?
July 13, 2011 12:33 AM Subscribe
Writing a heated *potential* breakup letter, what are some tips to effectively communicate with someone in difficult circumstances?
I feel totally weird writing this email to my boyfriend. He is over-sea's right now and re-reading my fairly passionate and heated email I cant help but feel like perhaps I should re-write it using more calculated wording.
For instance:
- because of this - I feel this *this way*.
- being open to asking their take on the situation
..And so forth. Can anyone point me to any particular books / online resources / tip lists in regards to this?
I feel totally weird writing this email to my boyfriend. He is over-sea's right now and re-reading my fairly passionate and heated email I cant help but feel like perhaps I should re-write it using more calculated wording.
For instance:
- because of this - I feel this *this way*.
- being open to asking their take on the situation
..And so forth. Can anyone point me to any particular books / online resources / tip lists in regards to this?
Why do you have to communicate at this level? Why not say, "Thank you for your time, but our relationship is now over"? If it's all that heated, it's not going to be received well, and why spend more time on this person?
posted by taff at 12:57 AM on July 13, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by taff at 12:57 AM on July 13, 2011 [5 favorites]
You say you're writing a "potential" break-up letter, and that you want to soften it to seem open to your bf's point of view. So I guess this means that you want an apology for something or are setting an ultimatum, and will break up if he doesn't respond the way you want him to. Okay, then be clear. "I feel this way, and I need this from you. This is a deal breaker for me."
But one thing: he's overseas. Is he traveling or working abroad or is he in the military? If he's deployed, in action, please please consider waiting until he's on leave and discuss this with him in person.
posted by likeso at 1:23 AM on July 13, 2011
But one thing: he's overseas. Is he traveling or working abroad or is he in the military? If he's deployed, in action, please please consider waiting until he's on leave and discuss this with him in person.
posted by likeso at 1:23 AM on July 13, 2011
Yeah, I think you really want a certain reaction from him. You want him to apologize or give in to your point of view or become more serious about your relationship or whatever.
The thing is that any letter of length will just communicate this neediness. Even if you think you're being really fair and logical, it will ultimately just prove how much time you spent on it. I mean, if it comes through in this askme question, it will probably come through in the letter.
If you want to break up with him, just do it. It will get better results. He'll either react with relief or indifference, in which case you dodged a bullet, or he'll try to work things out, and you'll have shown your cards and gotten his attention by being serious.
posted by Nixy at 1:34 AM on July 13, 2011 [3 favorites]
The thing is that any letter of length will just communicate this neediness. Even if you think you're being really fair and logical, it will ultimately just prove how much time you spent on it. I mean, if it comes through in this askme question, it will probably come through in the letter.
If you want to break up with him, just do it. It will get better results. He'll either react with relief or indifference, in which case you dodged a bullet, or he'll try to work things out, and you'll have shown your cards and gotten his attention by being serious.
posted by Nixy at 1:34 AM on July 13, 2011 [3 favorites]
I'm not a big fan of blame statements, even reworded as "I feel.. when you..." I prefer something more thoughtfully grouped, like, here are my requirements from a relationship. Here are some things that have happened that make me question if I am getting what I need. I don't want you to answer them point by point; rather, I want you to think about them and then honestly tell me if you think we have a future.
Write your letter, then do it on the phone instead with your letter in front of you so you don't forget what you wanted to say.
Having been in the military and seen some of what your describing (once first-hand), I advise against the recommendation to wait until he's back home. Nothing is worse than looking forward to seeing your love after all that time, imagining how it will be, making plans... then when the time comes getting instead "uh, yeah. about that."
posted by ctmf at 3:01 AM on July 13, 2011 [14 favorites]
Write your letter, then do it on the phone instead with your letter in front of you so you don't forget what you wanted to say.
Having been in the military and seen some of what your describing (once first-hand), I advise against the recommendation to wait until he's back home. Nothing is worse than looking forward to seeing your love after all that time, imagining how it will be, making plans... then when the time comes getting instead "uh, yeah. about that."
posted by ctmf at 3:01 AM on July 13, 2011 [14 favorites]
Are you actually asking for his take on the situation? "Here's how I feel. What do you think?"
There aren't magic words you can use to make a writing clear, and this AskMe is far from clear. If something doesn't say what you want it to mean, while at the same time not saying what you don't want it to mean, it needs to be re-written. Editing your writing is what will help, not reading books or blogs about writing.
But regarding tone, if I have this right, you want to write a "potential" break up letter that also does not impose pressure and can prompt and "open conversation." There's really no way to do that. Either go ahead and break up, or forget about potentially breaking up and try to start a conversation.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:20 AM on July 13, 2011
There aren't magic words you can use to make a writing clear, and this AskMe is far from clear. If something doesn't say what you want it to mean, while at the same time not saying what you don't want it to mean, it needs to be re-written. Editing your writing is what will help, not reading books or blogs about writing.
But regarding tone, if I have this right, you want to write a "potential" break up letter that also does not impose pressure and can prompt and "open conversation." There's really no way to do that. Either go ahead and break up, or forget about potentially breaking up and try to start a conversation.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:20 AM on July 13, 2011
You want Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. Good luck!
posted by equipoise at 11:48 AM on July 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by equipoise at 11:48 AM on July 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
As a former sender of passionate letters I would like to strongly urge you to reconsider actually sending this document and instead use it as a tool for centering yourself so that you can speak to your needs more adeptly when you actually do the break-up. Text is indelible. Emails are even worse. Do this in person, or over the phone, but don't draft a letter that you could really, really regret sending later. I can guarantee that no matter how well crafted, you will feel like a tool and hate yourself if you stumble across the email again in the future.
That being said, I find that my arguments are stronger when I look at them from the perspective of writing an essay. Then I let all that go and speak from my heart.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 12:43 AM on July 13, 2011 [11 favorites]