Guilt and shame

May 22, 2011 9:41 AM

Could someone give me good, colloquial definitions of guilt, shame, and the difference between them? Or maybe I'm looking for another word...

I don't have a very good emotional vocabulary, but I'm trying to improve. I'm trying to describe a feeling of being personally inadequate, like something's wrong with me, but I haven't taken some action that was wrong. I'm looking for a good word to describe that emotion.

I've done some googling, and most of the definitions for these terms that I've found have struck me as being either unusably fuzzy or over-technical (and perhaps not reflective of how the terms are used in real life).

posted by dogcat to Human Relations (18 answers total)

For me, guilt is a private sense of personal failure, while shame is a public thing (like embarassment, which you may or may not feel that you earned).
posted by monkeys with typewriters at 9:46 AM on May 22, 2011 [4 favorites]

self-doubt might be what you're describing
posted by Jon_Evil at 9:51 AM on May 22, 2011

You probably found this article: guilt and shame. If not, it might be helpful.
posted by salvia at 9:53 AM on May 22, 2011

There are a range of terms that might apply - but this sounds like it's more on the shame end of the spectrum rather than on the guilt end. Guilt is often taken to be the feeling that accompanies the memory of one's own bad acts, and shame that that accompanies one's essential unworthiness. Try shame, self-loathing, self-aversion, self-aggression. But it's tricky, because, as Jon_Evil pointed out, there are both public/external and private/internal versions of both the guilt and shame feelings.
posted by facetious at 9:55 AM on May 22, 2011 [1 favorite]

To me, you're not describing guilt, but you might be describing shame (it's possible another word fits better).
posted by J. Wilson at 9:56 AM on May 22, 2011

I think the word you are looking for is "inferiority."
posted by DarlingBri at 10:01 AM on May 22, 2011

As you've noticed in everyday usage there's a lot of overlap between the two words. But emotion researchers tend to think of guilt and shame as related but distinct emotions. Guilt is most often felt in response to the belief that one's behavior was wrong or immoral. Shame is most often about an enduring personal characteristic, which may not be under one's control. So it makes sense to say "I'm ashamed of my big nose," but not "I feel guilty about my big nose."

Of course, if you do something wrong, you might think "I did a bad thing" (guilt) or "I'm a bad person for doing a bad thing" (shame) -- hence the overlap.

What you're describing sounds like shame to me.
posted by myeviltwin at 10:03 AM on May 22, 2011 [2 favorites]

I opened up my copy of Feeling Good by David Burns to see if there was a term that he used for this feeling. Interestingly, he uses your exact words: "personal inadequacy", when describing one of the false things that depressed people feel about themselves. Additionally, he quotes the work of Dr. Aaron Beck, whose studies of depression find that "over 80 percent of depressed patients expressed self-dislike... [which can be] characterized by the four D's: You feel Defeated, Defective, Deserted, and Deprived."

If any of that seems to get at the feelings you're trying to describe, I'd totally recommend checking the book out for more help in framing and expressing those emotions (and in reasoning through them.) The book is a long-time AskMe favorite for good reason.
posted by MsMolly at 10:09 AM on May 22, 2011

The best distinction I've ever heard was from Brene Brown, whose work addresses the feelings you're having. She researches shame, vulnerability, and authenticity. Her books are categorized as self help but are emphatically not cheesy and reflect years of research. The Gifts of Imperfection was an absolute revelation to me.

Her definition of the two terms goes like this:

• Guilt can be a healthy and helpful thing that shows you how to be a better, more authentic person. "I know did a bad thing, therefore I should do my best to make it right."
• Shame cannot be a healthy or helpful thing because it poisons your view of yourself. "I know am a bad person, therefore I am worthless."

posted by Meg_Murry at 10:17 AM on May 22, 2011 [12 favorites]

Here's an article about how 'Western' society is moving away from guilt culture and toward a culture of shame:
Part I
Part II
posted by inkytea at 10:59 AM on May 22, 2011

Guilt comes in two flavors. Objective guilt is based on external criteria (if you steal something, you are guilty of theft under the law). Subjective guilt is based on feelings (someone who steals may or may not feel guilty but they are guilty none the less).
posted by davcoo at 11:51 AM on May 22, 2011

Guilt is the feeling of having done something morally wrong. Shame is the feeling of having handled an interaction poorly (without skill). Very roughly, it parallels the differences in emotional goals between Catholicism (seeking forgiveness) and Shinto (seeking harmony). What you're describing is probably closer to shame, but I agree with the above that "personal inadequacy" is a better description. Because of its interactive nature, shame usually (not always) involves public face.
posted by yeolcoatl at 12:06 PM on May 22, 2011

Guilt = I feel bad about something I did.

Shame = I AM bad or unworthy.
posted by Sal and Richard at 1:22 PM on May 22, 2011 [1 favorite]

My world view sees guilt as largely internally generated and shame as imposed by others.

I wonder if the feelings you're describing are a manifestation of impostor syndrome.
posted by thatdawnperson at 2:04 PM on May 22, 2011

Several good answers. I'd add only that, to me:

Guilt = feeling and/or actually having culpability
e.g. I feel guilty because I won my place at an Ivy League school by cheating.

Shame = feeling inadequate or embarrassed regardless of culpability
e.g. I'm ashamed that I come from working class roots.

It sounds to me like what you're feeling is shame and/or inadequacy. And I hope you can work your way out of it!
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 3:24 PM on May 22, 2011

Having spent a number of decades (starting in late high school, and now fortunately mostly long past but never forgotten) feeling like "something's broken," I'd say that shame is certainly part of that experience. As in remembering with shame something I did or felt on auto-pilot that, in retrospect, violated what I wished I'd done or felt if I was living up to my own ideals, especially if it involved another person or group. But it doesn't seem to me now that shame was either at the root of the "broken" problem or the main way I typically felt in response to it.

Anger, frustration, fatigue, bitterness, resolve, and even sometimes a kind of dispassionate interest were all there, too. Shame seems like a frequent and likely result of feeling inadequate or broken, but not really the equivalent of it, or the cause. It's a symptom, like lack of confidence, that adds considerable spin to the vicious cycle, but something else seemed at the root at least in my case. Wish I knew what! Rejection, maybe? That was going on… The fact that I can still react in myriad ways I regret now that the broken sensation is gone (I just noticed it was gone one memorable day…leaving plenty of occasion for humble pie) supports my opinion.

No doubt there are experiences/conditions that are grounded in shame (isn't that the sort of track that abuse leaves?), but my sense is that feeling broken doesn't necessarily stem from it.
posted by dpcoffin at 4:41 PM on May 22, 2011

I'll cast my vote for self-hatred, as expertly described by Zen teacher Chari Huber in There is Nothing Wrong with You.

This book changed my life by helping me understand that the mean voices in my head are not me, they are not my friends, and they do not actually want me to be happy. The things I learned from reading it are one of the reasons I am happier right now than I have ever been in my life. May you too find your way out of where you're at right now.
posted by ottereroticist at 5:29 PM on May 22, 2011 [1 favorite]

Shame - you feel bad because of what someone has said/done
Guilt - you feel bad because of what you did/said
posted by like_neon at 5:49 AM on May 23, 2011