I'm in love with a divorcing man who is having a divorce freak out. Help!
April 29, 2011 10:43 AM Subscribe
In love with a divorcing man who is now backing off. Help!
I met a man about 6 months ago who was in the process of getting a divorce. He has a 7 year old son, and he and the ex had been trying to work things out amicably between the two of them. Until recently when things starting getting ugly. For the most part he's kept most of the divorce details to himself, but in the past couple of weeks he has shared that it is getting very contentious and stressful. And then two nights ago he sends me an email saying that he has to end our relationship so he can focus on holding himself together emotionally, getting through this divorce, and providing more support for his son. I was stunned and extremely hurt that he chose to email me with a break up. He went out of his way to say how wonderful I have been and how i deserve someone who can focus on me, rather than on other crap going on in his life.
I love this guy, a lot, want to be there for him, but he is very clearly pushing me away. We are supposed to meet to talk tomorrow so I at least can get some closure, but what I want to know from the hive ladies, or men, is:
Has anyone gone through a similar situation?
How did it turn out?
Should I count my blessings and run far, far away?
Right now I can't see straight through the tears. But please, give me some hope that things can be better.
I met a man about 6 months ago who was in the process of getting a divorce. He has a 7 year old son, and he and the ex had been trying to work things out amicably between the two of them. Until recently when things starting getting ugly. For the most part he's kept most of the divorce details to himself, but in the past couple of weeks he has shared that it is getting very contentious and stressful. And then two nights ago he sends me an email saying that he has to end our relationship so he can focus on holding himself together emotionally, getting through this divorce, and providing more support for his son. I was stunned and extremely hurt that he chose to email me with a break up. He went out of his way to say how wonderful I have been and how i deserve someone who can focus on me, rather than on other crap going on in his life.
I love this guy, a lot, want to be there for him, but he is very clearly pushing me away. We are supposed to meet to talk tomorrow so I at least can get some closure, but what I want to know from the hive ladies, or men, is:
Has anyone gone through a similar situation?
How did it turn out?
Should I count my blessings and run far, far away?
Right now I can't see straight through the tears. But please, give me some hope that things can be better.
It actually is possible that at some future time, when this man has finished sorting out his feelings toward his ex-wife, and his custody arrangements with his son, and whatever else is on his mind, he may again be ready for a relationship with you. It is certainly not guaranteed that this will happen, but it could happen. Alternatively, you may meet someone else who is actually ready to have a relationship with you and is not emotionally entangled with a previous family. So yes, things can get better.
posted by grizzled at 10:56 AM on April 29, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by grizzled at 10:56 AM on April 29, 2011 [3 favorites]
Well, breaking up with you by e-mail after 6 months was crappy of him, but the breaking up itself may have been the kindest thing for both of you. You should consider it a blessing that he was at least honest, rather than staying in the relationship when he doesn't feel up to it. I had an amicable divorce myself, but having watched my parents go through an incredibly contentious divorce (and having been involved somewhat in the proceedings), I know how completely it drains all your resources -- physically, emotionally, financially, in every aspect really.
I don't think it would be out of the question for you guys to find each other again after all the drama has passed, but I wouldn't put your life on hold. Treat it as a breakup; fill your life with friends and other things that make you feel good and alive. In time, things will be better, with or without this man.
posted by spinto at 10:58 AM on April 29, 2011 [5 favorites]
I don't think it would be out of the question for you guys to find each other again after all the drama has passed, but I wouldn't put your life on hold. Treat it as a breakup; fill your life with friends and other things that make you feel good and alive. In time, things will be better, with or without this man.
posted by spinto at 10:58 AM on April 29, 2011 [5 favorites]
Right now I can't see straight through the tears. But please, give me some hope that things can be better.
As time passes, it'll hurt less and you'll be able to move forward. But for now, it's painful and I know that sucks and I'm sorry you're experiencing pain, but he's being honest about what he wants to do and it's your job to respect that and respect yourself by not dragging this out or chasing after him. Give him the room he needs and move on.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:00 AM on April 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
As time passes, it'll hurt less and you'll be able to move forward. But for now, it's painful and I know that sucks and I'm sorry you're experiencing pain, but he's being honest about what he wants to do and it's your job to respect that and respect yourself by not dragging this out or chasing after him. Give him the room he needs and move on.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:00 AM on April 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
The fact that he's got the emotional insight and maturity to know that he needs to back off and focus on getting through a difficult personal situation probably means he's a good guy.
However, he probably really does need to step away from the relationship. It's really not about you-- getting a divorce is hard, being a good parent is (I confidently assume) hard, and the guy probably doesn't have enough time and emotional resources to to right by everyone. He needs to prioritize, and his own well-being and his kid are, quite rightly, winning out.
It's not you. Try to let go gracefully, without trying to get him to feel guilty. If you can be graceful and understanding about the fact that he's doing the right thing by stepping back, there's a better chance he'll be interested in picking things up later.
Right now, though, the best way you can support him is to let go and move on. Don't tell him you'll wait, and don't wait-- that would be unfair and disrespectful to both of you. It's sad, but go on with your life.
posted by Kpele at 11:03 AM on April 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
However, he probably really does need to step away from the relationship. It's really not about you-- getting a divorce is hard, being a good parent is (I confidently assume) hard, and the guy probably doesn't have enough time and emotional resources to to right by everyone. He needs to prioritize, and his own well-being and his kid are, quite rightly, winning out.
It's not you. Try to let go gracefully, without trying to get him to feel guilty. If you can be graceful and understanding about the fact that he's doing the right thing by stepping back, there's a better chance he'll be interested in picking things up later.
Right now, though, the best way you can support him is to let go and move on. Don't tell him you'll wait, and don't wait-- that would be unfair and disrespectful to both of you. It's sad, but go on with your life.
posted by Kpele at 11:03 AM on April 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
It seems like his reasons are genuine, and while he broke up with you via email, it could be that he just doesn't have the emotional resources to do it face to face right now.
Is that ideal? No. Somewhat understandable given his circumstances? Yes.
What I'm trying to say is that the fact he broke up with you via email doesn't necessarily mean that he didn't/doesn't love/care about you.
As they say, time heals all wounds.
posted by elder18 at 11:03 AM on April 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
Is that ideal? No. Somewhat understandable given his circumstances? Yes.
What I'm trying to say is that the fact he broke up with you via email doesn't necessarily mean that he didn't/doesn't love/care about you.
As they say, time heals all wounds.
posted by elder18 at 11:03 AM on April 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
"Closure" is when the other person in the relationship communicates something that makes you realize that your time together wasn't a total waste, that you are a wonderful person, and through this communication you give yourself permission to move on.
I think we have collectively in our relationship-pop-culture decided that "closure" means a face to face meeting to hash things out and hold hands tearfully and say sad wistful blessings and maybe, just maybe at the last desperate minute, change our minds because the relationship is too beautiful to let die.
But closure, really, is platform agnostic - it could be in person, it could be over email, it could be a text message - it doesn't depend on the other person and how they deliver the news because what it truly is is you allowing yourself to change course.
"He went out of his way to say how wonderful I have been and how i deserve someone who can focus on me, rather than on other crap going on in his life."
This is your closure. This is what it looks like. Let yourself to move on.
posted by sestaaak at 11:04 AM on April 29, 2011 [21 favorites]
I think we have collectively in our relationship-pop-culture decided that "closure" means a face to face meeting to hash things out and hold hands tearfully and say sad wistful blessings and maybe, just maybe at the last desperate minute, change our minds because the relationship is too beautiful to let die.
But closure, really, is platform agnostic - it could be in person, it could be over email, it could be a text message - it doesn't depend on the other person and how they deliver the news because what it truly is is you allowing yourself to change course.
"He went out of his way to say how wonderful I have been and how i deserve someone who can focus on me, rather than on other crap going on in his life."
This is your closure. This is what it looks like. Let yourself to move on.
posted by sestaaak at 11:04 AM on April 29, 2011 [21 favorites]
I might be wrong, but it sounds like people are telling you not to meet with him after he broke up with you over email. I think that's wrong -- definitely meet up with him, as long as you're not going to beg him to reconsider or something. I would hate to just leave something hanging after someone sent me an email like that -- you're allowed to have your say too, even if he said you're great etc. Just get yourself together, say your piece and move on.
posted by sweetkid at 11:08 AM on April 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by sweetkid at 11:08 AM on April 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
Don't meet with him if all you're gonna do is try to hold on tighter.
posted by elle.jeezy at 11:17 AM on April 29, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by elle.jeezy at 11:17 AM on April 29, 2011 [4 favorites]
If you want to leave the door open for a time when his life is more settled, do not have this "closure" meeting. Respect the explanation he has given you, accept that this is not about you and in fact the whole point is that it cannot be about you right now, and do not punish him or debate the breakup. *Anything* you say will boil down to "I'm more important than your child." Is that what you mean to say to him?
It sucks that he broke up over email, but frankly it sounds like the man's emotional plate is overfull as it is. If you want to keep the options open, you'll need to demonstrate that you were understanding and unselfish at what is probably the worst time of his life.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:25 AM on April 29, 2011 [7 favorites]
It sucks that he broke up over email, but frankly it sounds like the man's emotional plate is overfull as it is. If you want to keep the options open, you'll need to demonstrate that you were understanding and unselfish at what is probably the worst time of his life.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:25 AM on April 29, 2011 [7 favorites]
One thing to consider is that the breakup may be based on the advice of his lawyer. When the child custody battle gets ugly the fact that he was involved with another woman instead of focusing on the needs of his child would play against him.
The fact that he was involved with you before the divorce was complete will already be working against him. "The other woman" is not a popular figure when it comes to child custody.
The hopeful part of this is that his feelings for you are likely real and once the divorce is final you will probably be a welcome source of support in his life.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 11:42 AM on April 29, 2011 [7 favorites]
The fact that he was involved with you before the divorce was complete will already be working against him. "The other woman" is not a popular figure when it comes to child custody.
The hopeful part of this is that his feelings for you are likely real and once the divorce is final you will probably be a welcome source of support in his life.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 11:42 AM on April 29, 2011 [7 favorites]
I've been this man, actually worse than that (though i didn't end it via email). Long story short, I left my amazing girlfriend during my divorce to seek some intensive therapy and get my shit together. It was absolutely necessary for my personal sanity - i was an ABSOLUTE wreck.
Fast forward a year and a half and that girlfriend of mine became my wife and a terrific step-mom to the 3 boys from my previous marriage. We both agree - our happy marriage would never have happened if I hadn't left to straighten myself out (even though it was awful/difficult at the time).
Of course this is only one outcome - but it's our story.
posted by brandsilence at 11:45 AM on April 29, 2011 [10 favorites]
Fast forward a year and a half and that girlfriend of mine became my wife and a terrific step-mom to the 3 boys from my previous marriage. We both agree - our happy marriage would never have happened if I hadn't left to straighten myself out (even though it was awful/difficult at the time).
Of course this is only one outcome - but it's our story.
posted by brandsilence at 11:45 AM on April 29, 2011 [10 favorites]
You do not go "get" closure. Closure is something you are only able to acknowledge after the fact. If you are going into this meeting feeling very confused and potentially hoping to change his mind (be honest!) then you really should just not go.
I am so sorry for your heart, I know it must be overwhelming right now. While it was clumsy of him to email you, it must really also hurt him to not be as free as he'd hoped he was, and to know how badly he's hurting you.
But it's also completely understandable. He's going through something overwhelming. You'd like to help, but he needs to sort this out on his own. It doesn't sound from what you said as if he has burned any serious bridges with you, he is just trying to be very frank about his limitations and priorities.
Let him go do what he has to do.
posted by hermitosis at 11:56 AM on April 29, 2011 [9 favorites]
I am so sorry for your heart, I know it must be overwhelming right now. While it was clumsy of him to email you, it must really also hurt him to not be as free as he'd hoped he was, and to know how badly he's hurting you.
But it's also completely understandable. He's going through something overwhelming. You'd like to help, but he needs to sort this out on his own. It doesn't sound from what you said as if he has burned any serious bridges with you, he is just trying to be very frank about his limitations and priorities.
Let him go do what he has to do.
posted by hermitosis at 11:56 AM on April 29, 2011 [9 favorites]
The one experience I had with dating an in-the-process-of-divorcing guy didn't go well, in part because I didn't listen to him when he (pretty clearly) communicated his needs. As someone who has never been married (and who, at the time, was strongly anti-marriage), I think I was kind of naive about the life-changing-ness of divorce, and I thought that by being an awesome girlfriend, I could magically fix everything for him. He didn't need space! He didn't need to process his feelings and mourn the passing of the life he thought he'd have forever! He just needed me!
I was wrong, of course, and as his emotional needs became greater and more insistent, I didn't handle it very gracefully. When we ended things, I tried for "closure" and wound up making us both even more miserable. It was a shame that our timing sucked, and I didn't find it especially comforting to hear that I was wonderful and had been so important and helpful to him during such a terrible time, etc., etc., but if I had to do it all over again? I would have listened to him when he told me what he needed, wished him well, and moved on, and not dragged it out. It would have been easier on him as he dealt with his already overwhelming stuff, and much less painful and regret-laden for me.
posted by 2or3things at 12:06 PM on April 29, 2011 [3 favorites]
I was wrong, of course, and as his emotional needs became greater and more insistent, I didn't handle it very gracefully. When we ended things, I tried for "closure" and wound up making us both even more miserable. It was a shame that our timing sucked, and I didn't find it especially comforting to hear that I was wonderful and had been so important and helpful to him during such a terrible time, etc., etc., but if I had to do it all over again? I would have listened to him when he told me what he needed, wished him well, and moved on, and not dragged it out. It would have been easier on him as he dealt with his already overwhelming stuff, and much less painful and regret-laden for me.
posted by 2or3things at 12:06 PM on April 29, 2011 [3 favorites]
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been there. Twice. It took two heartbreaks to learn this lesson: DO NOT date someone who is divorcing. DO NOT. DO NOT. DO NOT!
Sure, everyone divorces under different circumstances and whether it's amicable or contentious, there will be a time of grieving over the relationship and that process might need to take place outside the confines of a relationship.
An email break up is sucky and immature ... but at least he was clear about what he needs. All you can do now is honor that request and work on your own healing.
Good luck!
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 12:11 PM on April 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
Sure, everyone divorces under different circumstances and whether it's amicable or contentious, there will be a time of grieving over the relationship and that process might need to take place outside the confines of a relationship.
An email break up is sucky and immature ... but at least he was clear about what he needs. All you can do now is honor that request and work on your own healing.
Good luck!
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 12:11 PM on April 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
Like 2or3things, I too was once in love with a man going through a divorce. Although the email thing was not ideal, I wish my divorcing guy had handled the break up as well as yours did. Mine wanted to stay friends and we hobbled along on those terms until I finally put an end to that "pull-the-bandaid-off-one-hair-at-a-time" sort of excruciating pain and cut off the relationship altogether.
Don't put yourself through that. And I agree that the the "closure" meeting is a bad idea. Your pain will not be lessened, it would be disrespectful to try to change his mind (and you may be tempted to do that) and your best hope at this point will be to show him that you love him enough to let him go and not put him through that.
I wish I had a feel good story to tell you and I am sorry you are hurting. But your guy's "divorce freak out" is not really a freak out at all and is a very common and understandable reaction. Holding on to him tighter will only make him want to get away from you more.
posted by murrey at 12:12 PM on April 29, 2011
Don't put yourself through that. And I agree that the the "closure" meeting is a bad idea. Your pain will not be lessened, it would be disrespectful to try to change his mind (and you may be tempted to do that) and your best hope at this point will be to show him that you love him enough to let him go and not put him through that.
I wish I had a feel good story to tell you and I am sorry you are hurting. But your guy's "divorce freak out" is not really a freak out at all and is a very common and understandable reaction. Holding on to him tighter will only make him want to get away from you more.
posted by murrey at 12:12 PM on April 29, 2011
One thing to bear in mind, he's not breaking up with you because he doesn't want to be with you. He's breaking up with you because he only has so much to go around, and his kids come first. Even if you do begin again after he gets things handled, his kids will ALWAYS come first, ALWAYS; you will never be more important to him than his children.
Don't get involved with him unless you really comprehend that and are comfortable with it.
posted by KathrynT at 12:14 PM on April 29, 2011 [3 favorites]
Don't get involved with him unless you really comprehend that and are comfortable with it.
posted by KathrynT at 12:14 PM on April 29, 2011 [3 favorites]
That meeting isn't going to make you feel better, and it's not going to tell you anything he didn't already tell you. It's going to make you feel worse, and you will still be asking yourself why and wanting to find a way to make it work. Nothing you say during that talk is going to make him see things differently or change his mind.
I think you have to accept that the circumstances are such that he can't have a relationship with you right now - and be thankful that he told you straight out and you didn't have to spend a few months analyzing and slowly watching your relationship die as you tried to decide how to fix it.
I'm sorry. This sucks. Things will get better, because right now I bet it is all kinds of awful. Just remember that you will work through this and at some point later on you will not feel as bad as you do right now.
posted by mrs. taters at 12:18 PM on April 29, 2011
I think you have to accept that the circumstances are such that he can't have a relationship with you right now - and be thankful that he told you straight out and you didn't have to spend a few months analyzing and slowly watching your relationship die as you tried to decide how to fix it.
I'm sorry. This sucks. Things will get better, because right now I bet it is all kinds of awful. Just remember that you will work through this and at some point later on you will not feel as bad as you do right now.
posted by mrs. taters at 12:18 PM on April 29, 2011
When I got divorced I'd been emotionally done with the marriage for over a year before finally pulling the trigger. EVEN SO I was completely insane in the emotional / relationship areas for many months after the divorce was fully final. And I have no kids. And my divorce was settled with minimal acrimony.
I cannot imagine how someone going through what the person you describe is going through could possibly be emotionally committed to a relationship.
Just one more data poimnt.
posted by BrooksCooper at 12:35 PM on April 29, 2011 [4 favorites]
I cannot imagine how someone going through what the person you describe is going through could possibly be emotionally committed to a relationship.
Just one more data poimnt.
posted by BrooksCooper at 12:35 PM on April 29, 2011 [4 favorites]
Well it's not so much "don't date someone who's divorcing" as "don't expect a committed, loving relationship out of someone who's an emotional wreck and won't be able to treat you right".
I dated a few people while getting divorced, and I know though I was desperate to find someone to love and love me again, a big part of me held that person at a distance emotionally during the process. During the really rough emotional times, that person fell to the bottom of my priorities list, I had nothing left to give them. It was all about me at that point, and I know it hurt that person but I couldn't help it. They gave so much, and I gave pretty much nothing in return. And eventually, even though these people had been the source of most of my joy during those bad times, the feeling that they're still tied to those bad times made me want out. I didn't even have a kid or much division of assets to worry about, so I can only imagine how much more intense this stuff is for the guy you were seeing, how much less important you might become to him at times in comparison to these other things on his mind.
Relationships are so much about where we are in our lives, regardless of how much we love someone or how compatible we are. Please call on your sense of self-preservation and think about our testimonies about what kind of headspace a person in a rough divorce is in. You love him, but he will not be able to love you like you want him to, not at this time. You can tell him to call you when he's through all of this and ready to date again, but tell him you won't wait for him. What willl happen will happen.
posted by lizbunny at 12:45 PM on April 29, 2011 [2 favorites]
I dated a few people while getting divorced, and I know though I was desperate to find someone to love and love me again, a big part of me held that person at a distance emotionally during the process. During the really rough emotional times, that person fell to the bottom of my priorities list, I had nothing left to give them. It was all about me at that point, and I know it hurt that person but I couldn't help it. They gave so much, and I gave pretty much nothing in return. And eventually, even though these people had been the source of most of my joy during those bad times, the feeling that they're still tied to those bad times made me want out. I didn't even have a kid or much division of assets to worry about, so I can only imagine how much more intense this stuff is for the guy you were seeing, how much less important you might become to him at times in comparison to these other things on his mind.
Relationships are so much about where we are in our lives, regardless of how much we love someone or how compatible we are. Please call on your sense of self-preservation and think about our testimonies about what kind of headspace a person in a rough divorce is in. You love him, but he will not be able to love you like you want him to, not at this time. You can tell him to call you when he's through all of this and ready to date again, but tell him you won't wait for him. What willl happen will happen.
posted by lizbunny at 12:45 PM on April 29, 2011 [2 favorites]
Speaking from experience, this is an icky, complicated situation. I'm afraid you have no choice but to give him a lotta space. Tell him that you are not happy about his choice because you love him deeply and that you will wait for him if he wants you to. Then, try to stay busy and grow as a person.
posted by bunny hugger at 12:57 PM on April 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by bunny hugger at 12:57 PM on April 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
Oh, OP, I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
If you want to keep the options open, you'll need to demonstrate that you were understanding and unselfish at what is probably the worst time of his life.
This isn't a test, though, and I don't think it's really healthy to act as if it were. OP, moving on with whatever grace you can muster can be an act of love and respect for both your ex and yourself, but it can't be part of some one-sided pact with the universe. Remember that he didn't leave you because you were bad - and you can't bring him back by being good either. You can be kind to him, but you can't make it your business to prove that you were worthy of his love - not to him, not to yourself, and certainly not to the internet. Take care of yourself now. You really will be OK.
posted by two or three cars parked under the stars at 3:50 PM on April 29, 2011 [7 favorites]
If you want to keep the options open, you'll need to demonstrate that you were understanding and unselfish at what is probably the worst time of his life.
This isn't a test, though, and I don't think it's really healthy to act as if it were. OP, moving on with whatever grace you can muster can be an act of love and respect for both your ex and yourself, but it can't be part of some one-sided pact with the universe. Remember that he didn't leave you because you were bad - and you can't bring him back by being good either. You can be kind to him, but you can't make it your business to prove that you were worthy of his love - not to him, not to yourself, and certainly not to the internet. Take care of yourself now. You really will be OK.
posted by two or three cars parked under the stars at 3:50 PM on April 29, 2011 [7 favorites]
The thing that sucks about closure - and I'm bad at this, and it's easier said than done, etc. - is that it's really a decision, or something you have to give to yourself.
He broke up with you and it's over. I doubt seeing him will help.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:46 PM on April 29, 2011
He broke up with you and it's over. I doubt seeing him will help.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:46 PM on April 29, 2011
Closure is a line of bull. There's nothing any ex can say to you that will make you feel better and over your pain.
Don't meet him. In fact, stop talking to him entirely. You're not going to get over him by still communicating with someone who can't be there for you, and you have to take care of you.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:57 PM on April 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
Don't meet him. In fact, stop talking to him entirely. You're not going to get over him by still communicating with someone who can't be there for you, and you have to take care of you.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:57 PM on April 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think you should give him his space. If in the future he sees himself as ready for a relationship, and you're still single, maybe you guys will be able to work it out.
I don't think there's any way you can be there for him now, though. It would be too painful for you, and therefore you wouldn't be able to support him like he needs to be supported.
And don't have the closure meeting. It's just going to be more painful for both of you. The most supportive thing you can do right now is give him the space he needs to deal with his divorce.
posted by sucky_poppet at 8:51 AM on April 30, 2011
I don't think there's any way you can be there for him now, though. It would be too painful for you, and therefore you wouldn't be able to support him like he needs to be supported.
And don't have the closure meeting. It's just going to be more painful for both of you. The most supportive thing you can do right now is give him the space he needs to deal with his divorce.
posted by sucky_poppet at 8:51 AM on April 30, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
Back off and let the guy have some space. He needs that more than you need closure.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 10:51 AM on April 29, 2011 [53 favorites]