Is it too soon to shack up?
February 11, 2011 7:28 PM Subscribe
How soon is too soon to move in with your significant other?
My girlfriend and I have been dating for six months. Yeah... six months.
It's been absolutely great. We get along on a very deep level. We love each other. Spend a ton of time together. Our respective groups of friends mingle and get along. The parents on both sides think it's great. She had even watched all of Battlestar Galactica before we started dating, and I'm getting her into British comedy. If that's not the sign that she's a keeper, I don't know what is.
I'm 28 and she's 26. We're both professionals and out of school. She owns a home, whereas I currently rent an apartment, and neither of us has roommates.
As it stands, I probably spend a good 4 or 5 nights a week at her house. We get along famously.
So after a few hints about it, it's become a topic of discussion. Mostly along the lines of "So, when are you moving in?"
And I'm of two minds. Because primarily, I do like the idea. It makes a lot of sense for both of us. My apartment has basically just become a big closet where I keep most of my clothes at this point. I like her house a lot.
When I spend all of my time at her place, we cook together, go out and do things socially, we both sleep better together, our sex life is great, everything.
But there's aspects that are a bit scary. We really haven't had any fights. I brought this up the other day, asking just that: why we haven't fought? I suppose Neither of us is really the type, we both tend to try and look at things from both perspectives and talk about it. But I wonder if it might crop up?
Also, what if things get along so well because we know that I can just go stay at my own place tomorrow... that she knows that she'll have a night to herself soon, or that I know that I can always just go back to my place and be alone.
She brought up that the only slight concern is that other people will THINK it's too soon, which I understand too.
With regards to the financial aspect, we've talked about that too. I don't plan on doing anything more than sharing costs evenly. I'm a financial planner, and I even brought up the idea of a cohabitation agreement to protect our respective assets.
How did you and your SO make the decision? Was it easy, did you wait too long, what were some unexpected aspects? What do you think, hivemind?
My girlfriend and I have been dating for six months. Yeah... six months.
It's been absolutely great. We get along on a very deep level. We love each other. Spend a ton of time together. Our respective groups of friends mingle and get along. The parents on both sides think it's great. She had even watched all of Battlestar Galactica before we started dating, and I'm getting her into British comedy. If that's not the sign that she's a keeper, I don't know what is.
I'm 28 and she's 26. We're both professionals and out of school. She owns a home, whereas I currently rent an apartment, and neither of us has roommates.
As it stands, I probably spend a good 4 or 5 nights a week at her house. We get along famously.
So after a few hints about it, it's become a topic of discussion. Mostly along the lines of "So, when are you moving in?"
And I'm of two minds. Because primarily, I do like the idea. It makes a lot of sense for both of us. My apartment has basically just become a big closet where I keep most of my clothes at this point. I like her house a lot.
When I spend all of my time at her place, we cook together, go out and do things socially, we both sleep better together, our sex life is great, everything.
But there's aspects that are a bit scary. We really haven't had any fights. I brought this up the other day, asking just that: why we haven't fought? I suppose Neither of us is really the type, we both tend to try and look at things from both perspectives and talk about it. But I wonder if it might crop up?
Also, what if things get along so well because we know that I can just go stay at my own place tomorrow... that she knows that she'll have a night to herself soon, or that I know that I can always just go back to my place and be alone.
She brought up that the only slight concern is that other people will THINK it's too soon, which I understand too.
With regards to the financial aspect, we've talked about that too. I don't plan on doing anything more than sharing costs evenly. I'm a financial planner, and I even brought up the idea of a cohabitation agreement to protect our respective assets.
How did you and your SO make the decision? Was it easy, did you wait too long, what were some unexpected aspects? What do you think, hivemind?
There is no static number for too soon or too late. It's only what works for you both.
The woman who ended up being my wife moved in with me after we'd been together for maybe two months as she had to move out of her house quickly. After a month or two of living with me she rented her own house and moved out. Then I lost my house and moved in with her and that was that. I viewed it as potentially temporary at the time, but as time went on it became increasingly obvious that it wasn't.
The point being we didn't plan it or really think much about it but apparently it was the right time.
One big adjustment for me was no longer having my own personal space to retreat to when needed. If you're moving into her house, it will all be her space unless you agree to set some aside for you.
Good luck!
posted by DrumsIntheDeep at 7:43 PM on February 11, 2011
The woman who ended up being my wife moved in with me after we'd been together for maybe two months as she had to move out of her house quickly. After a month or two of living with me she rented her own house and moved out. Then I lost my house and moved in with her and that was that. I viewed it as potentially temporary at the time, but as time went on it became increasingly obvious that it wasn't.
The point being we didn't plan it or really think much about it but apparently it was the right time.
One big adjustment for me was no longer having my own personal space to retreat to when needed. If you're moving into her house, it will all be her space unless you agree to set some aside for you.
Good luck!
posted by DrumsIntheDeep at 7:43 PM on February 11, 2011
My boyfriend and I moved in together after about six months, in a situation very similar to what you describe. We eventually married and now we've been together for 20 years. There is no right or wrong answer -- almost 100% of the outcome will depend on all of the things that make you you.
posted by BlahLaLa at 7:46 PM on February 11, 2011
posted by BlahLaLa at 7:46 PM on February 11, 2011
Six weeks. My situation was unusual and I don't recommend it, but hey, it's been seven years and we're pretty damn happy.
(Yes, you will fight. You might want to work on how you will fight before it happens.)
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 7:51 PM on February 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
(Yes, you will fight. You might want to work on how you will fight before it happens.)
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 7:51 PM on February 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
There's no right answer to the "is it too soon to shack up" part, I don't think.
That said, it was easy for my partner and I. We'd known each other for about two months, been together for one. I moved (from an hour away to the city in which he lived) and he moved in. Technically, he kept his apartment for about six months, but he spent a grand total of one night there...and he called me around midnight, saying that it sucked and he was coming back over.
That was four years ago, and we're happily married now, so... (For the record, we've never fought, either. Like, ever. And for the first two years, we worked at the same place and shared an office, so we were literally together 24/7. We've just never felt the need to argue when we could talk about things instead.)
Really, after six months, I think that you're in the clear with regards to what other people think. It's not uncommon for people to be getting married after a year of dating, so I don't see how moving in at six months is all that weird.If you're really worried about having the fallback place, move all your stuff into her place and just let your place sit--unoccupied, but still in your name--for a month or two. Make it difficult to spend the night there--turn off the electric, or take your bed out, or whatever. See if anything changes. When nothing changes, you know it's time to give up the apartment.
posted by MeghanC at 7:51 PM on February 11, 2011
That said, it was easy for my partner and I. We'd known each other for about two months, been together for one. I moved (from an hour away to the city in which he lived) and he moved in. Technically, he kept his apartment for about six months, but he spent a grand total of one night there...and he called me around midnight, saying that it sucked and he was coming back over.
That was four years ago, and we're happily married now, so... (For the record, we've never fought, either. Like, ever. And for the first two years, we worked at the same place and shared an office, so we were literally together 24/7. We've just never felt the need to argue when we could talk about things instead.)
Really, after six months, I think that you're in the clear with regards to what other people think. It's not uncommon for people to be getting married after a year of dating, so I don't see how moving in at six months is all that weird.If you're really worried about having the fallback place, move all your stuff into her place and just let your place sit--unoccupied, but still in your name--for a month or two. Make it difficult to spend the night there--turn off the electric, or take your bed out, or whatever. See if anything changes. When nothing changes, you know it's time to give up the apartment.
posted by MeghanC at 7:51 PM on February 11, 2011
One suggestion: is there a room in her house that can become your personal space - a place where you can retreat and have some privacy as well as a place to put some of your stuff to feel more completely at home.
posted by metahawk at 7:52 PM on February 11, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by metahawk at 7:52 PM on February 11, 2011 [4 favorites]
The way you talk about your girlfriend, and describe the situation to us, makes me think that you WANT to move in together. So just do it! It will make you both happy, and it's a joyful occasion!! 6 months is a decent amount of time to be together that I doubt anyone would think it was too soon. The 2 times I've lived with a guy, both times were dating less than 2 or 3 months, and both times it worked out very well!
You don't mention whether you have a lease or not. I would not break a lease to move in with a significant other, but if I was on a month-to-month, or if my lease was ending, it would feel very natural to change my living situation.
You will fight with each other, it's inevitable, and living together actually makes fighting better. You're forced to deal with the situation, you can't run away and leave the other person wondering "oh no, are we broken up now." When you share a bed, it's pretty hard not to make up.
posted by katypickle at 7:53 PM on February 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
You don't mention whether you have a lease or not. I would not break a lease to move in with a significant other, but if I was on a month-to-month, or if my lease was ending, it would feel very natural to change my living situation.
You will fight with each other, it's inevitable, and living together actually makes fighting better. You're forced to deal with the situation, you can't run away and leave the other person wondering "oh no, are we broken up now." When you share a bed, it's pretty hard not to make up.
posted by katypickle at 7:53 PM on February 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
I did it 2 weeks after I met my wife. YMMV. POint being, whatever feels right to you. I will say that living in a smaller apartment has created some stress in our relationship.
posted by GilloD at 7:55 PM on February 11, 2011
posted by GilloD at 7:55 PM on February 11, 2011
We did it after 6 months in our early 20's, and that was after he had been staying with me most nights anyway since the beginning. We've been together 8.5 years now, married 3 years, and we even spawned a little dude last October. It can be a successful venture!
posted by chiababe at 8:00 PM on February 11, 2011
posted by chiababe at 8:00 PM on February 11, 2011
Other people's opinions are only important to the point of how well you can deflect other people butting in.
Do the smart thing and have a little pile of money stashed for a quick get away if you need to, but if you are feeling it i don't see why not. You know, just cause you move in doesn't mean you are locked in for life. It's not that bad. Things go south real bad, you are allowed to bail. I also don't see any reason why not to have your cohabitation agreement thingy.
As for the lack of safety net.... yeah. It can put more pressure on a relationship. But that's were you sit back and think about that little pile of money.
I've had friends that moved in together after three months and been good for years and counting.
My boyfriend and I moved in after nine months and are doing fine. We don't fight. When we have disagreements we sit down and talk. Fighting is only part of people's relationships if that's how they resolve things. It's not really a good or a bad thing.
posted by Blisterlips at 8:00 PM on February 11, 2011
Do the smart thing and have a little pile of money stashed for a quick get away if you need to, but if you are feeling it i don't see why not. You know, just cause you move in doesn't mean you are locked in for life. It's not that bad. Things go south real bad, you are allowed to bail. I also don't see any reason why not to have your cohabitation agreement thingy.
As for the lack of safety net.... yeah. It can put more pressure on a relationship. But that's were you sit back and think about that little pile of money.
I've had friends that moved in together after three months and been good for years and counting.
My boyfriend and I moved in after nine months and are doing fine. We don't fight. When we have disagreements we sit down and talk. Fighting is only part of people's relationships if that's how they resolve things. It's not really a good or a bad thing.
posted by Blisterlips at 8:00 PM on February 11, 2011
You sound like a very mature 20-something, I commend you for really thinking this over as it is a huge commitment to give up your safe haven. In a nutshell, if you can go to the bathroom with the door open you are probably ready. (Me-on the other hand have been seeing a man for 6 years and we wouldn't dream of living together, there would be blood and knives and all kinds of mayhem. I rekon I'm just not 'that' into him.) Are you 'that' into her? Will leaving dishes in the sink send you or her up the wall? Have you discussed the direction the toilet paper goes? Will you still feel comfortable scratching your bits in front of the tv? It's those small things that usually matter.
posted by ~Sushma~ at 8:02 PM on February 11, 2011
posted by ~Sushma~ at 8:02 PM on February 11, 2011
Well, why don't you try it for, say, a month? Keep your apartment for a backup, and live in her house for four weeks to see how it works out?
posted by raisingsand at 8:12 PM on February 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by raisingsand at 8:12 PM on February 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
Relationships are work, and moving in together means you can't put that work off because you have somewhere to run away to and avoid it.
If you're ready for that, you're ready to move in together.
posted by mhoye at 8:19 PM on February 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
If you're ready for that, you're ready to move in together.
posted by mhoye at 8:19 PM on February 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
My situation was a bit different, as we were co-workers before we dated, but we weren't in direct contact a work ever, but...he came home with me the first time we hung out and never left. Now we've been living together for almost a year and a half. Stop worrying so much. If you enjoy spending time with her and being at her place, don't stress about what might go wrong. Live your life and be happy!
posted by evilbeck at 8:23 PM on February 11, 2011
posted by evilbeck at 8:23 PM on February 11, 2011
Give it a test run. See how long you can stay without wanting to go back to your place, then ask yourself and your partner if it's time to move in.
(having a personal space at her place sounds like a very good idea)
posted by Neekee at 8:38 PM on February 11, 2011
(having a personal space at her place sounds like a very good idea)
posted by Neekee at 8:38 PM on February 11, 2011
I never slept in my own bed after our first date. Moved my stuff after 13 months, and we have been civil partners since Thanksgiving, our 2 and a half year anniversary.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:40 PM on February 11, 2011
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:40 PM on February 11, 2011
I moved into my partner's apartment about 6 months after we started dating, and it's never felt like a bad decision. Like you, I pretty much lived here for a few months before that anyway, so it didn't seem like a huge shift.
For us, I liked that we talked about pretty much every angle and how we would hypothetically feel or deal with it: how to work out only having one car, personal space, storage, who would get rid of what stuff, etc. Sometimes it seemed (at the time) like we were overthinking/talking about it, but I'm glad we did, because if at any step I had felt like "ugh, we're not on the same page about compromising even on how to move, how will we live together?" I would have known right then it was a bad idea.
I wouldn't worry too much about not having a 'real fight' yet. You'll have one whether or not you start living together; and maybe it will be moving-related, but part of good relationships is figuring out how to navigate the occasional fight. If it turns out you're not compatible at doing that, I think it'd happen regardless of where you lived.
posted by nakedmolerats at 8:44 PM on February 11, 2011
For us, I liked that we talked about pretty much every angle and how we would hypothetically feel or deal with it: how to work out only having one car, personal space, storage, who would get rid of what stuff, etc. Sometimes it seemed (at the time) like we were overthinking/talking about it, but I'm glad we did, because if at any step I had felt like "ugh, we're not on the same page about compromising even on how to move, how will we live together?" I would have known right then it was a bad idea.
I wouldn't worry too much about not having a 'real fight' yet. You'll have one whether or not you start living together; and maybe it will be moving-related, but part of good relationships is figuring out how to navigate the occasional fight. If it turns out you're not compatible at doing that, I think it'd happen regardless of where you lived.
posted by nakedmolerats at 8:44 PM on February 11, 2011
Everyone is different, my husband and I moved in together after three months. We've been together for 15 years and married for 10.
Things that helped - we each had a space in our place that was ours. We split rent and utilities fairly and we're both pretty clean people. I think the suggestion to give it a month or two test run is a great one. Perhaps you'll have thrown away two months of rent, but it would be nice to have a bit of a safety net.
posted by Nickel Pickle at 8:57 PM on February 11, 2011
Things that helped - we each had a space in our place that was ours. We split rent and utilities fairly and we're both pretty clean people. I think the suggestion to give it a month or two test run is a great one. Perhaps you'll have thrown away two months of rent, but it would be nice to have a bit of a safety net.
posted by Nickel Pickle at 8:57 PM on February 11, 2011
We moved in faster than that and are still married, for whatever that's worth. But I've had other relationships not work out, both living together and not living together, for whatever that's worth. Personally, I think there's a point where it's organically good to move in; earlier isn't good, but delaying longer isn't good, either. And you can't know without trying, so go for it.
What "other people" say is the worst way to live your life; don't make that the criteria.
posted by Forktine at 9:00 PM on February 11, 2011
What "other people" say is the worst way to live your life; don't make that the criteria.
posted by Forktine at 9:00 PM on February 11, 2011
My boyfriend and I were together about 8 or so months when I moved in. It's been wonderful so far (about 6 months later). Like you, I was spending most of my time at his place anyway and really came to think of it as a home we shared. We got along so well that I really couldn't imagine living together not working out.
Still, I think if it hadn't been for my lease running out, we might have waited just a little while longer, but ultimately it didn't really matter. Our whole relationship was based around "when you know, you know" and it was the same thing with living together.
I was a little afraid of missing my alone time, but it hasn't been a problem. Granted, if we were sharing a studio, it might be a different story. Just make sure you carve out some space for yourself and feel totally comfortable in her place. Why not try spending a couple weeks there without going home and see how you feel?
Do keep in mind that you're in a really great stage of a relationship right now. It might not be the worst thing to keep it going at that speed for awhile, if there's not a practical reason to move in right away. Weirdly, the one thing we kind of miss about having separate places is IMing and texting each other before going to sleep. Granted, we just have those same (great) conversations in person now, but there's something kinda cool about missing someone at the beginning of a relationship. Once you take that step forward, it's really difficult to take a step back, so make sure that you're cool with moving on from the stage you're in right now.
posted by pourtant at 9:21 PM on February 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
Still, I think if it hadn't been for my lease running out, we might have waited just a little while longer, but ultimately it didn't really matter. Our whole relationship was based around "when you know, you know" and it was the same thing with living together.
I was a little afraid of missing my alone time, but it hasn't been a problem. Granted, if we were sharing a studio, it might be a different story. Just make sure you carve out some space for yourself and feel totally comfortable in her place. Why not try spending a couple weeks there without going home and see how you feel?
Do keep in mind that you're in a really great stage of a relationship right now. It might not be the worst thing to keep it going at that speed for awhile, if there's not a practical reason to move in right away. Weirdly, the one thing we kind of miss about having separate places is IMing and texting each other before going to sleep. Granted, we just have those same (great) conversations in person now, but there's something kinda cool about missing someone at the beginning of a relationship. Once you take that step forward, it's really difficult to take a step back, so make sure that you're cool with moving on from the stage you're in right now.
posted by pourtant at 9:21 PM on February 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
You never know until you do it. I dated my last boyfriend for 7 months, we were talking long term commitment, I moved in for a month. It was clear within 3 days it wasn't going to work and we broke up 20 days into it. He was a completely different person to live with, I knew him for 10 years before we started dating, we worked together and have tons of mutual friends so I can say that with confidence!
posted by fshgrl at 9:53 PM on February 11, 2011
posted by fshgrl at 9:53 PM on February 11, 2011
My partner and I have been living together now for a little over 6 months, and like you, we had been going out for about 6 months before she moved in to my apartment. You'd asked what kinds of 'unexpected' things people experienced when moving in together, and I'll say that the biggest one for me was the fact that it was so easy - and continues to be something I'm so happy we did.
Prior to my gf moving in, I had been living on my own for about 7 years, and had never lived with an SO before. I've always been big on personal space and alone time, so thinking in the abstract about someone else living in "my" space was daunting. I thought there would be a lot of stress over mundane things - figuring out whose things went where, working out ways to deal with two people trying to operate in our ridiculously tiny kitchen, finding enough "personal space" when living with another person in a ~500sq.ft. apartment, etc. Funnily enough, so many of the things I had worried about in the abstract have just never become an issue - instead, there are all these unexpected good things that constantly crop up. It feels so much more cozy with her living here. I love it when we spend a Sunday afternoon together cleaning up our place. It tickles me to see her picking clothes out of what is now our closet, rather than having to dig through the bag she'd packed after the daily trip back to her apartment. One day I woke up to find she had taken every single cup, plate, and bowl out of the kitchen and had strewn them across the family room floor because she was sure the cupboards could be organized more efficiently - and that was awesome because hey, it was a reminder that they really were our cupboards now, not just mine.
The place we're living in is just a nondescript, grad student-wages apartment I'd never planned on living in for very long. For most of my time here it was no more than just the place where my dog and I lived, and where all my stuff was; with my gf living here now, even this place feels like a home. If you're in a good relationship, and you've both been getting along with you staying over most nights already, I think it's worth giving it a try!
posted by DingoMutt at 9:55 PM on February 11, 2011 [8 favorites]
Prior to my gf moving in, I had been living on my own for about 7 years, and had never lived with an SO before. I've always been big on personal space and alone time, so thinking in the abstract about someone else living in "my" space was daunting. I thought there would be a lot of stress over mundane things - figuring out whose things went where, working out ways to deal with two people trying to operate in our ridiculously tiny kitchen, finding enough "personal space" when living with another person in a ~500sq.ft. apartment, etc. Funnily enough, so many of the things I had worried about in the abstract have just never become an issue - instead, there are all these unexpected good things that constantly crop up. It feels so much more cozy with her living here. I love it when we spend a Sunday afternoon together cleaning up our place. It tickles me to see her picking clothes out of what is now our closet, rather than having to dig through the bag she'd packed after the daily trip back to her apartment. One day I woke up to find she had taken every single cup, plate, and bowl out of the kitchen and had strewn them across the family room floor because she was sure the cupboards could be organized more efficiently - and that was awesome because hey, it was a reminder that they really were our cupboards now, not just mine.
The place we're living in is just a nondescript, grad student-wages apartment I'd never planned on living in for very long. For most of my time here it was no more than just the place where my dog and I lived, and where all my stuff was; with my gf living here now, even this place feels like a home. If you're in a good relationship, and you've both been getting along with you staying over most nights already, I think it's worth giving it a try!
posted by DingoMutt at 9:55 PM on February 11, 2011 [8 favorites]
My boyfriend moved in with me about 2 weeks after we started dating, and we weren't friends beforehand. He signed onto the lease and moved all his stuff a couple of weeks after that. It wasn't so much a decision as a matter of convenience, since my housemate had a drinking problem and couldn't make rent and I needed to replace her.
We were 18. That was 5 years ago and we're still going strong. It was a heck of a learning curve since we barely knew each other, and he didn't know how to cook or clean or pay bills since his parents had been doing all that for him. I'd never been in a serious relationship before so I was a bit clueless about how to deal with two people's finances (how to split bills, and rent, and food, since I was working and he was at uni and being supported by his family). It was a heck of a gamble but it paid off really well - we're settled in a new city now, we have a house and a dog. He's totally housebroken and has a great job so I can study and not have to work. We'll get married in the next year or two. It helps that we're both fairly passive people so we don't really fight. If we disagree, one of us usually just takes a walk until we can talk about it calmly (just one of the many Metafilter rules that applies nicely to relationships). Also, we've always had homes big enough that we each have our own space to work or chill out, which I think is important. But you can make that happen in anything bigger than a studio.
So I say, if two kids who are more-or-less strangers can move in after two weeks and make it work, you and your SO (who are older, wiser, understand how money works and actually already love each other) should give it a crack. Does it really matter if other people think it's too soon?
posted by jaynewould at 10:18 PM on February 11, 2011
We were 18. That was 5 years ago and we're still going strong. It was a heck of a learning curve since we barely knew each other, and he didn't know how to cook or clean or pay bills since his parents had been doing all that for him. I'd never been in a serious relationship before so I was a bit clueless about how to deal with two people's finances (how to split bills, and rent, and food, since I was working and he was at uni and being supported by his family). It was a heck of a gamble but it paid off really well - we're settled in a new city now, we have a house and a dog. He's totally housebroken and has a great job so I can study and not have to work. We'll get married in the next year or two. It helps that we're both fairly passive people so we don't really fight. If we disagree, one of us usually just takes a walk until we can talk about it calmly (just one of the many Metafilter rules that applies nicely to relationships). Also, we've always had homes big enough that we each have our own space to work or chill out, which I think is important. But you can make that happen in anything bigger than a studio.
So I say, if two kids who are more-or-less strangers can move in after two weeks and make it work, you and your SO (who are older, wiser, understand how money works and actually already love each other) should give it a crack. Does it really matter if other people think it's too soon?
posted by jaynewould at 10:18 PM on February 11, 2011
My parents were married at 6mo, they're having their 34th anniversary this year.
And I also know many others who are divorced. There's no real rules to this...
My father's best advice ever: you can love many people, but only live with a few of them.
I think it's worth finding this out sooner than later.
posted by jpeacock at 10:34 PM on February 11, 2011
And I also know many others who are divorced. There's no real rules to this...
My father's best advice ever: you can love many people, but only live with a few of them.
I think it's worth finding this out sooner than later.
posted by jpeacock at 10:34 PM on February 11, 2011
I functionally moved in with my beloved THE DAY I put the moves, and officially he moved in with me four months later. That was 9 years ago and we've been through everything together since.
I think being young and stupid is often a benefit for couples this works out for. I didn't second-guess it at all. I just know I loved him and wanted to be with him and I wasn't much set in my ways. I say just jump and have faith. Work hard, buck routines that sap your romance, and hold hands while you talk.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 12:23 AM on February 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think being young and stupid is often a benefit for couples this works out for. I didn't second-guess it at all. I just know I loved him and wanted to be with him and I wasn't much set in my ways. I say just jump and have faith. Work hard, buck routines that sap your romance, and hold hands while you talk.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 12:23 AM on February 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
My husband and I got MARRIED after 6 months, so I have no idea how you could think that's somehow objectively "too soon" to live together.
Move in together. It's a good test. Hopefully the enforced proximity and lack of escape will provoke some fights. See how you handle those as a couple. If you fight and make up well, get married. You're 28 and 26, you're not getting any younger, time to shit or get off the pot.
posted by Jacqueline at 4:58 AM on February 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
Move in together. It's a good test. Hopefully the enforced proximity and lack of escape will provoke some fights. See how you handle those as a couple. If you fight and make up well, get married. You're 28 and 26, you're not getting any younger, time to shit or get off the pot.
posted by Jacqueline at 4:58 AM on February 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
6 months is not really that radical of a jump from what I've seen of many relationship stories. Might work out, might not. Breaking up while cohabiting (to cut straight to the nut) is without question a substantially more complicated affair than breaking up and living separate, but it's hardly a unique existential crisis. If it comes to that you'll live, as many have before. For most when it becomes the practical thing to do and feels right it is not too soon. Are there any huge red flags you're ignoring in the relationship (agreeing to disagree about religion, kids... stuff that will inevitably require some sort of reckoning)? If not you've got a pretty solid fix on the relationship after 6 months.
The idea that you have to fight is a myth. If you never disagree or have any sort of conflict I suppose I'd wonder if somebody is basically always going along to get along, or if there were a lack of emotional engagement. Avoiding conflict can be its own kind of problem. But I've been with my now wife for going on 15 years, and we don't really fight. Disagree, yes, get totally exasperated with each other, yes, need to have intense conversations sometimes, yes.
posted by nanojath at 7:34 AM on February 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
The idea that you have to fight is a myth. If you never disagree or have any sort of conflict I suppose I'd wonder if somebody is basically always going along to get along, or if there were a lack of emotional engagement. Avoiding conflict can be its own kind of problem. But I've been with my now wife for going on 15 years, and we don't really fight. Disagree, yes, get totally exasperated with each other, yes, need to have intense conversations sometimes, yes.
posted by nanojath at 7:34 AM on February 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
In a nutshell, if you can go to the bathroom with the door open you are probably ready.
No, that's not a test for whether or not you're ready. I've never seen my husband on the toilet and I don't ever want to. Not until we're old and one of us needs help on or off of it. I'd be horrified if he ever saw me on the toilet.
posted by anniecat at 8:38 AM on February 12, 2011
No, that's not a test for whether or not you're ready. I've never seen my husband on the toilet and I don't ever want to. Not until we're old and one of us needs help on or off of it. I'd be horrified if he ever saw me on the toilet.
posted by anniecat at 8:38 AM on February 12, 2011
I moved in with my now-husband after 3 mos. of dating. Part of the reason it happened so quickly was that it made the most financial sense, but we were also spending all of our time together and y'know, in lurve and all that.
We've been living together for three years and are expecting our first child within a month. And yes, everyone we knew said we rushed into it. We didn't, we knew what we needed to do.
posted by sonika at 11:51 AM on February 12, 2011
We've been living together for three years and are expecting our first child within a month. And yes, everyone we knew said we rushed into it. We didn't, we knew what we needed to do.
posted by sonika at 11:51 AM on February 12, 2011
If you're of two minds, why not wait? Am I the only one who reads some hesitation into your post? Yes, it can totally work and 6 months isn't necessarily too soon...but it's also totally fine to wait if you're not ready. You don't even have to have a good reason not to want to do it yet (lease, etc)...you can just not be ready. My best friend moved in with her fiance in April and they got married in October. Before that they had been dating for three years and engaged for six months. He wanted to move in sooner, but she just wasn't ready to give up her own space any earlier, even though she spent most of her time at his place. Now she's quite happily married--but I also know she doesn't regret for a moment waiting years to move in together. Come to think of it, I have another happily married friend who waited quite awhile as well, in a similar situation, and I know she didn't regret it either.
Actually, in reading your post, you guys sound like a great couple and like you'll probably work things out just fine, whether you move in now or in six months or a year. But if you're not 100% ready....why not wait a few more months? Decide you're going to do it, but not yet, and revisit the issue in three months or something. It's a lot easier to move in later than it is to decide six months or a year from now that you wish you had waited.
posted by min at 12:08 PM on February 12, 2011
Actually, in reading your post, you guys sound like a great couple and like you'll probably work things out just fine, whether you move in now or in six months or a year. But if you're not 100% ready....why not wait a few more months? Decide you're going to do it, but not yet, and revisit the issue in three months or something. It's a lot easier to move in later than it is to decide six months or a year from now that you wish you had waited.
posted by min at 12:08 PM on February 12, 2011
My wife and I bought a house together after 8 months of dating. It was understood we would be getting married eventually, but hadn't setup a timeline. Real Estate bubble issues aside, it worked out pretty well. We're still together, married and quite happy. Only a few of our friends pulled one or the other of us aside to bring up the "too soon" issue. My standard response was, "when it's right, you know." That handled everyone just fine.
Ultimately what matters is you're happy, and if people see you are happy, they will be happy for you. If they're not, you probably don't want to hang around them anyway.
posted by jeffamaphone at 12:46 PM on February 12, 2011
Ultimately what matters is you're happy, and if people see you are happy, they will be happy for you. If they're not, you probably don't want to hang around them anyway.
posted by jeffamaphone at 12:46 PM on February 12, 2011
I know a couple who moved in pretty much after their first kiss, and they are married and have a kid now 7 years later.
I would suggest talking about the future with her - about marriage at all. Talk about both of your expectations. Do you both agree that you want to live together forever and have no intentions of moving out (if the relationship works out, of course)? Or does one of you think that this is temporary because this is convenient at the moment? If you do have the intentions of living together forever, do both of you want to get married? Kids? Just be sure that you're both on the same page about what will happen after you are living together for a year, 2 years, etc.
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 1:31 PM on February 12, 2011 [2 favorites]
I would suggest talking about the future with her - about marriage at all. Talk about both of your expectations. Do you both agree that you want to live together forever and have no intentions of moving out (if the relationship works out, of course)? Or does one of you think that this is temporary because this is convenient at the moment? If you do have the intentions of living together forever, do both of you want to get married? Kids? Just be sure that you're both on the same page about what will happen after you are living together for a year, 2 years, etc.
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 1:31 PM on February 12, 2011 [2 favorites]
Once my wife and I became an "item" (sleeping together) I didn't spend much time at my place anymore. My lease on my lonely little bachelor hovel was up at about the 8 month mark, and so I moved into her house. My opiton was to re-up on a lease for a place I was practically never at, or to just dive in, so I moved. It just made sense. Happy as a clam 13 years later.
It sounds like you have a good relationship there - I say go for it!
posted by Devils Rancher at 2:50 PM on February 12, 2011
It sounds like you have a good relationship there - I say go for it!
posted by Devils Rancher at 2:50 PM on February 12, 2011
We were in our mid 20s. Dated/sleeping together 1 month before moving in together. We each had apartments we could barely/couldn't afford. Continued dating 1 yr before deciding to get married. We didn't have kids for a number of years after getting married. Been together almost 20 yrs now. Is this the ideal story? No, probably not. But it worked for us. That's all you need to do, is figure out what is working out for both of you and talk about it.
posted by kch at 5:59 PM on February 12, 2011
posted by kch at 5:59 PM on February 12, 2011
My best friend and her husband moved in together after four months, married a year later, and now, four years after that, are in the process of divorcing. Just a data point.
posted by SeedStitch at 6:55 AM on February 14, 2011
posted by SeedStitch at 6:55 AM on February 14, 2011
My girlfriend and I of 10 months at the time moved in together after a mostly LDR. So far it's not going the greatest as i miss my personal space too much and I don't drive ( which is quite a hindrance where we are now, compared to where I was before ). I think it may have been too soon and I'm learning many more issues and things she wants that I'm not entirely comfortable with.
Will see how it goes, since I knew we'd change once we were around each other so much.
posted by Boris14 at 9:19 AM on April 26, 2011
Will see how it goes, since I knew we'd change once we were around each other so much.
posted by Boris14 at 9:19 AM on April 26, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by TheBones at 7:37 PM on February 11, 2011