Since I fell for you
April 8, 2007 10:47 AM Subscribe
How can I get over the heartbreak that ensues over what was essentially a no-strings fling between two friends?
This guy and I were introduced to one another by a mutual friend, when he was in town visiting. We spent some time together in groups--not much, but enough to develop an instant connection and a latent mutual attraction. As he lived several states away, I didn't think of it as much more than a harmless crush on an intelligent, attractive, interesting person.
We got fairly electronically friendly, exchanging long, rambling emails on a regular basis, and had a couple of phone conversations. After about six months of this, he had an event to attend in my neck of the woods, at which he invited me to join him. We spent a wonderful, amazing, incredibly fun and physically intimate week together. His leaving was the most painful thing I've ever experienced--worse than my father's death, worse than the ending of a three-year relationship. I was utterly wrecked, and in many ways I still am.
This was completely unexpected, which is part of why it hit me as hard as it did. I'd known I had a crush, but never foresaw that I would end up feeling as strongly for him as I did. For his part, he made it clear from the outset that he wasn't looking for a commitment, and I was okay with that at the time. But after spending that time with him, and feeling so comfortable and happy in his presence, it was indescribably painful to return to my solitary lifestyle (which I had been happy with until then).
Since then our interaction has regressed into casual friendship, with sporadic-at-best communication (he entered into a graduate program soon after the incident in question, which can partially explain the drop in communication). It's clear that he doesn't share the ongoing feelings I'm experiencing, and looked at the incident as an opportunity to spend time with a friend and act on a mutual attraction, and nothing more.
It's been close to a year, and the pain of missing him is still so strong that at times it's physically debilitating. A stray memory or unexpected reminder can be enough to bring me to tears. Despite myself, he's first in my thoughts when I make long-term plans--what might he be doing then? When something good happens, the first thing I want to do is talk to him about it. I want to know what his life is like, to hear what he's doing and where he's going, but I don't feel that I'm in a position to ask. I haven't so much as thought of anyone else as far as a relationship or a romantic interest is concerned, and have no interest in being with anyone but him.
Intellectually, I've come to accept the fact that nothing more will ever come of this--if he had any feelings for me beyond casual friendship, they would have manifested themselves in some way by now. But I can't stop thinking about him, and the emotional side of me can't quite give up on the irrational hope that there's some sort of future here.
How do I get over this? How can I kill these feelings? How can I turn this person from a painful reminder of all I want in a partner, and all that might have been, into a casual friend again? Or do I just need to make the decision to let contact die out, and accept that he's now a part of my past?
(To that end ... I'll be leaving the country shortly, for a period of years, and have the opportunity to make a short visit before I go. I'm tempted to do so, in the meaningless-line-in-the-sand sort of way--using this face-to-face meeting as a way to say goodbye, in my own mind, and put our active friendship behind me [though I'd be lying if I didn't admit that this is partially motivated my my desire to see him one more time as well, but also because he's an interesting, intelligent, engaging person who I enjoy talking to]. Good idea, or bad idea?)
This guy and I were introduced to one another by a mutual friend, when he was in town visiting. We spent some time together in groups--not much, but enough to develop an instant connection and a latent mutual attraction. As he lived several states away, I didn't think of it as much more than a harmless crush on an intelligent, attractive, interesting person.
We got fairly electronically friendly, exchanging long, rambling emails on a regular basis, and had a couple of phone conversations. After about six months of this, he had an event to attend in my neck of the woods, at which he invited me to join him. We spent a wonderful, amazing, incredibly fun and physically intimate week together. His leaving was the most painful thing I've ever experienced--worse than my father's death, worse than the ending of a three-year relationship. I was utterly wrecked, and in many ways I still am.
This was completely unexpected, which is part of why it hit me as hard as it did. I'd known I had a crush, but never foresaw that I would end up feeling as strongly for him as I did. For his part, he made it clear from the outset that he wasn't looking for a commitment, and I was okay with that at the time. But after spending that time with him, and feeling so comfortable and happy in his presence, it was indescribably painful to return to my solitary lifestyle (which I had been happy with until then).
Since then our interaction has regressed into casual friendship, with sporadic-at-best communication (he entered into a graduate program soon after the incident in question, which can partially explain the drop in communication). It's clear that he doesn't share the ongoing feelings I'm experiencing, and looked at the incident as an opportunity to spend time with a friend and act on a mutual attraction, and nothing more.
It's been close to a year, and the pain of missing him is still so strong that at times it's physically debilitating. A stray memory or unexpected reminder can be enough to bring me to tears. Despite myself, he's first in my thoughts when I make long-term plans--what might he be doing then? When something good happens, the first thing I want to do is talk to him about it. I want to know what his life is like, to hear what he's doing and where he's going, but I don't feel that I'm in a position to ask. I haven't so much as thought of anyone else as far as a relationship or a romantic interest is concerned, and have no interest in being with anyone but him.
Intellectually, I've come to accept the fact that nothing more will ever come of this--if he had any feelings for me beyond casual friendship, they would have manifested themselves in some way by now. But I can't stop thinking about him, and the emotional side of me can't quite give up on the irrational hope that there's some sort of future here.
How do I get over this? How can I kill these feelings? How can I turn this person from a painful reminder of all I want in a partner, and all that might have been, into a casual friend again? Or do I just need to make the decision to let contact die out, and accept that he's now a part of my past?
(To that end ... I'll be leaving the country shortly, for a period of years, and have the opportunity to make a short visit before I go. I'm tempted to do so, in the meaningless-line-in-the-sand sort of way--using this face-to-face meeting as a way to say goodbye, in my own mind, and put our active friendship behind me [though I'd be lying if I didn't admit that this is partially motivated my my desire to see him one more time as well, but also because he's an interesting, intelligent, engaging person who I enjoy talking to]. Good idea, or bad idea?)
In my vast experience in destroying emotional connections (wanted or unwanted), there haven been few better methods than leaving the country for an extended period. Absence may make the heart grow fonder, but trying to figure out the local currency will make you nutty enough not to notice. Can you take some comfort in that?
posted by roger ackroyd at 11:23 AM on April 8, 2007 [3 favorites]
posted by roger ackroyd at 11:23 AM on April 8, 2007 [3 favorites]
Ah, geez. That sounds very painful.
You need to not talk to him anymore. It is extremely bad for you. Do not see him again. Cut him out of your life. I understand the desire to see him again, completely, but you cannot. You are in this limbo because you have not completely given up. You have given up intellectually (mostly), but not emotionally. You need to do it.
This may seem a little bit crazy, but when I had a similar situation lo so many years ago, I wore a rubber band around my wrist. When I would think of him, would reach to contact him, I would snap it. I'd read it somewhere, and I still see people give this advice from time to time. It helped. It didn't cure me, but it was helpful for me because I felt that I was taking action.
That's what you need to do. You need to completely move on. You're leaving the country, that's great, that will help. But you need to make an emotional move toward purging this from your soul. Whatever works for you, but you need to allow yourself to give up.
posted by pazazygeek at 11:25 AM on April 8, 2007
You need to not talk to him anymore. It is extremely bad for you. Do not see him again. Cut him out of your life. I understand the desire to see him again, completely, but you cannot. You are in this limbo because you have not completely given up. You have given up intellectually (mostly), but not emotionally. You need to do it.
This may seem a little bit crazy, but when I had a similar situation lo so many years ago, I wore a rubber band around my wrist. When I would think of him, would reach to contact him, I would snap it. I'd read it somewhere, and I still see people give this advice from time to time. It helped. It didn't cure me, but it was helpful for me because I felt that I was taking action.
That's what you need to do. You need to completely move on. You're leaving the country, that's great, that will help. But you need to make an emotional move toward purging this from your soul. Whatever works for you, but you need to allow yourself to give up.
posted by pazazygeek at 11:25 AM on April 8, 2007
It's clear that he doesn't share the ongoing feelings I'm experiencing, and looked at the incident as an opportunity to spend time with a friend and act on a mutual attraction, and nothing more.
Do you really know that, or are you making a huge assumption? This in particular:
if he had any feelings for me beyond casual friendship, they would have manifested themselves in some way by now.
Makes it sound like you are assuming the worst without much evidence. For all you know, he could be wanting more too, but be under the impression all you wanted was a fling. There are a million possible reasons why his feelings may not be obvious to you, but that doesn't mean they don't exist.
Why not sit down and talk about it really honestly with him? Even if it doesn't work out, you at least won't have to wonder anymore.
posted by drjimmy11 at 11:29 AM on April 8, 2007
Do you really know that, or are you making a huge assumption? This in particular:
if he had any feelings for me beyond casual friendship, they would have manifested themselves in some way by now.
Makes it sound like you are assuming the worst without much evidence. For all you know, he could be wanting more too, but be under the impression all you wanted was a fling. There are a million possible reasons why his feelings may not be obvious to you, but that doesn't mean they don't exist.
Why not sit down and talk about it really honestly with him? Even if it doesn't work out, you at least won't have to wonder anymore.
posted by drjimmy11 at 11:29 AM on April 8, 2007
he made it clear from the outset that he wasn't looking for a commitment,
Sorry I missed that part. If he's still feels that way, than maybe not contacting him is better. But you still might need to hear it from him again, explicitly, just to remove the doubt from your mind and get on with your life.
posted by drjimmy11 at 11:31 AM on April 8, 2007
Sorry I missed that part. If he's still feels that way, than maybe not contacting him is better. But you still might need to hear it from him again, explicitly, just to remove the doubt from your mind and get on with your life.
posted by drjimmy11 at 11:31 AM on April 8, 2007
You could take it as your brain getting "stuck in a groove" and try an SSRI for a while; I became much less "obsessive" (in general, as well as over sex/love/romance) not too long after going on Zoloft. (One girl I'd been unrequitedly stuck on told me she'd started to worry I'd offed myself because I just disappeared from her life.) I'm not a psychopharmaconeurologist or anything but something about SSRIs just rearranges one's brainwaves to make "moving on" easier. As a side-effect though you might get lessened sex drive, though that can be a good thing sometimes too; people with lessened libidos get in less trouble over it. (But I must specify an SSRI, as I've noticed other kinds of antidepressants like Wellbutrin can make "stuckness" worse, as well as raising one's sex drive.)
posted by davy at 11:37 AM on April 8, 2007
posted by davy at 11:37 AM on April 8, 2007
Yeah, you need a clean break. Stop torturing yourself, even if you don't realize that's what you're doing. I can tell you after asking this question about how to deal with a similarly lopsided reaction to a casual fling, that absence (slowly slowly) makes the heart heal.
posted by poxuppit at 11:41 AM on April 8, 2007
posted by poxuppit at 11:41 AM on April 8, 2007
Response by poster: roger: the idea of distance and the distraction of a new experience is comforting, in an odd sort of way. and if nothing else, the next few years of both our lives would have made anything beyond casual friendship impossible anyway.
drjimmy: it's horribly tempting to believe that he might be feeling the same way, and i've expended a nontrivial amount of thought exploring the possibility, but i've got to say that i'm certain it's not the case. the last few incidents of contact we've had are ones i've initiated, and while he's been happy enough to talk for a few minutes or dash off a quick reply, it's nothing beyond what one would expect from a casual friend. he's immersed in his life and studies, has stated in so many words that he's not looking for a relationship while his focus is school, isn't looking for a long-distance thing at all, and has demonstrated no attachment to me. i suppose in theory there's a long-shot possibility that once we've both completed these next phases of our lives there might be an option for reconnection, but i don't want to create a situation where i spend the next few years pining and hoping for what is at best a slim possibility.
(on preview ... apparently now that's more for clarification, after seeing your second comment.)
poxuppit: thanks for the reference, i'd somehow managed to miss that one when searching for related questions.
posted by the luke parker fiasco at 11:47 AM on April 8, 2007
drjimmy: it's horribly tempting to believe that he might be feeling the same way, and i've expended a nontrivial amount of thought exploring the possibility, but i've got to say that i'm certain it's not the case. the last few incidents of contact we've had are ones i've initiated, and while he's been happy enough to talk for a few minutes or dash off a quick reply, it's nothing beyond what one would expect from a casual friend. he's immersed in his life and studies, has stated in so many words that he's not looking for a relationship while his focus is school, isn't looking for a long-distance thing at all, and has demonstrated no attachment to me. i suppose in theory there's a long-shot possibility that once we've both completed these next phases of our lives there might be an option for reconnection, but i don't want to create a situation where i spend the next few years pining and hoping for what is at best a slim possibility.
(on preview ... apparently now that's more for clarification, after seeing your second comment.)
poxuppit: thanks for the reference, i'd somehow managed to miss that one when searching for related questions.
posted by the luke parker fiasco at 11:47 AM on April 8, 2007
I would heavily advise against taking an SSRI simply because you are heartbroken. In fact, I can think of few things as insane than that. I can't believe I even have to say it.
If, however, you are clinically depressed, if it's not just unrequited love, perhaps seeing a psychiatrist would help? Life can be difficult, painful, unfair, just plain awful. I think we all know this. But for an otherwise mentally-healthy person to begin taking drugs like SSRI's simply because they're having a rough go of it in their romantic life...that's completely stupid and it would cause much more harm than good -- believe me, I know.
Why don't you read a bit about this class of drugs here and here? Seriously, folks, this is what books, poems, movies, and music are for.
posted by inoculatedcities at 11:48 AM on April 8, 2007
If, however, you are clinically depressed, if it's not just unrequited love, perhaps seeing a psychiatrist would help? Life can be difficult, painful, unfair, just plain awful. I think we all know this. But for an otherwise mentally-healthy person to begin taking drugs like SSRI's simply because they're having a rough go of it in their romantic life...that's completely stupid and it would cause much more harm than good -- believe me, I know.
Why don't you read a bit about this class of drugs here and here? Seriously, folks, this is what books, poems, movies, and music are for.
posted by inoculatedcities at 11:48 AM on April 8, 2007
Best answer: You might want to think about why you've attached so much meaning to this guy that you don't know all that well. What you learn about someone via email and even telephone is partly real and partly fantasy -- his and your own. You've spent a little time with him, and your imagination has filled in the blanks with things that you long for.
I hope this doesn't sound harsh or dismissive, because I really don't think of it that way. Falling in love with someone in person has a lot of the same pitfalls. There's no way anyone can be as wonderful as we imagine they are at first; if we are actually with them for some time, we can fall in love with the real person as the wished-for one is fading away (or we realize he's not what we want or need.) I look back on a couple of old boyfriends and wonder, "What did I see in that guy?" The answer is that I saw what I wanted to see, and what he wanted me to see.
If you can figure out what attributes you're crediting him with, you'll learn something about yourself, and possibly start to untangle the real from the imagined.
posted by wryly at 12:01 PM on April 8, 2007 [3 favorites]
I hope this doesn't sound harsh or dismissive, because I really don't think of it that way. Falling in love with someone in person has a lot of the same pitfalls. There's no way anyone can be as wonderful as we imagine they are at first; if we are actually with them for some time, we can fall in love with the real person as the wished-for one is fading away (or we realize he's not what we want or need.) I look back on a couple of old boyfriends and wonder, "What did I see in that guy?" The answer is that I saw what I wanted to see, and what he wanted me to see.
If you can figure out what attributes you're crediting him with, you'll learn something about yourself, and possibly start to untangle the real from the imagined.
posted by wryly at 12:01 PM on April 8, 2007 [3 favorites]
You referred to your lifestyle as solitary - could it be that's part of the problem? Maybe you have had enough solitary time, and need more connection in general?
Of course this doesn't at all dismiss the body of your feelings, but it could help explain why you're being hit this hard.
posted by amtho at 12:05 PM on April 8, 2007
Of course this doesn't at all dismiss the body of your feelings, but it could help explain why you're being hit this hard.
posted by amtho at 12:05 PM on April 8, 2007
This may sound daft, since you've apparently kept your feelings buttoned up for a year, but I would take the time out to go and see him and tell him how you've been feeling, with the rider (whether spoken or not, but probably spoken) you give here - that you know nothing can come of it. Just get it off your chest, or your heart; treat the conversation, however casual it may be, like a ceremony - a funeral, if you will, for these dead-weight feelings. At any rate, I always feel better for overcoming inhibition and speaking out about painful (no less than joyful) emotions. I don't think the year matters, since you are still oppressed.
posted by londongeezer at 12:05 PM on April 8, 2007
posted by londongeezer at 12:05 PM on April 8, 2007
But for an otherwise mentally-healthy person to begin taking drugs like SSRI's simply because they're having a rough go of it in their romantic life...that's completely stupid and it would cause much more harm than good -- believe me, I know.
Everyone's different. What may seem like a "rough go of it" to you might be incredibly painful and life-stopping for someone else. Unless you're her doctor, I think you're doing a disservice by dismissing a step like that as "completely stupid."
posted by dhammond at 12:08 PM on April 8, 2007
Everyone's different. What may seem like a "rough go of it" to you might be incredibly painful and life-stopping for someone else. Unless you're her doctor, I think you're doing a disservice by dismissing a step like that as "completely stupid."
posted by dhammond at 12:08 PM on April 8, 2007
Response by poster: i'm a little wary of taking drugs, if for no other reason than it seems like treating a symptom, and not a problem--it may be more difficult, but i feel like i'll be better off if i deal with this without chemical assistance (though to be fair, i've always been a little wary of psychopharmacology).
wryly: no, not harsh at all. actually, i've had a bit of success in deconstructing my feelings--trying to figure out why this particular incident affected me so much, figuring out what traits this person displayed that i am drawn to, and addressing the results of this breakdown as separate issues unrelated to the person that triggered them, in the hopes that addressing these things will lessen the attachment. and that works for a while... then the emotional hammer swings down out of nowhere and i'm back to missing what once was, and the simple human connection with someone i like and respect. hence the inquiry about "killing these feelings"--dramatic, perhaps, but it seems like one of the few options left.
londongeezer: this is more or less why i was considering seeing him before i leave. i don't know about saying "this is how i feel" (not crazy about opening the possibility to that sort of power imbalance), but going, having a casual conversation over a cup of coffee, and looking at it as an ending. having a definite moment with which to say "this is when i shut the door on this".
posted by the luke parker fiasco at 12:12 PM on April 8, 2007
wryly: no, not harsh at all. actually, i've had a bit of success in deconstructing my feelings--trying to figure out why this particular incident affected me so much, figuring out what traits this person displayed that i am drawn to, and addressing the results of this breakdown as separate issues unrelated to the person that triggered them, in the hopes that addressing these things will lessen the attachment. and that works for a while... then the emotional hammer swings down out of nowhere and i'm back to missing what once was, and the simple human connection with someone i like and respect. hence the inquiry about "killing these feelings"--dramatic, perhaps, but it seems like one of the few options left.
londongeezer: this is more or less why i was considering seeing him before i leave. i don't know about saying "this is how i feel" (not crazy about opening the possibility to that sort of power imbalance), but going, having a casual conversation over a cup of coffee, and looking at it as an ending. having a definite moment with which to say "this is when i shut the door on this".
posted by the luke parker fiasco at 12:12 PM on April 8, 2007
Unless you're her doctor, I think you're doing a disservice by dismissing a step like that as "completely stupid."
But that's just it, I was advising anyone thinking that anti-depressants, especially ones as new and controversial as SSRIs, are the solution without first developing a relationship (as opposed to asking for pills) with a mental health professional. There are plenty of psychiatrists (and MDs) who will give you Paxil prescription if you just say "I haven't been feeling good about things lately." I know because it's happened to me, friends, and family. It's a disturbing trend and it seems that the original poster agrees.
posted by inoculatedcities at 12:19 PM on April 8, 2007
But that's just it, I was advising anyone thinking that anti-depressants, especially ones as new and controversial as SSRIs, are the solution without first developing a relationship (as opposed to asking for pills) with a mental health professional. There are plenty of psychiatrists (and MDs) who will give you Paxil prescription if you just say "I haven't been feeling good about things lately." I know because it's happened to me, friends, and family. It's a disturbing trend and it seems that the original poster agrees.
posted by inoculatedcities at 12:19 PM on April 8, 2007
I would say, shut the door right now. From the way you describe your relationship with him, it doesn't seem like he would be open or helpful if you did go to see him; and it also seems like seeing him would be far more than a "casual conversation" as far as you're concerned. It seems like it would be needlessly painful for you, and that you could just cut this off without taking that painful step.
I've been in a very similar (although more complicated and longer) situation and I think I've recently started to extricate myself by stubbornly and willfully refusing to let myself think of the person in question and changing the mental subject when he does come up (countless times per day, unfortunately . . .).
Basically anything you can do to distract yourself from thinking about him will help. Your impending move is going to be really great for this. The rest is, I think, just time and new experiences and new connections with people. Hopefully you'll soon come to a point when you can think of the feelings you had for this person as kind of marvelous and magical without feeling all the pain of not possessing him.
posted by agent99 at 12:21 PM on April 8, 2007
I've been in a very similar (although more complicated and longer) situation and I think I've recently started to extricate myself by stubbornly and willfully refusing to let myself think of the person in question and changing the mental subject when he does come up (countless times per day, unfortunately . . .).
Basically anything you can do to distract yourself from thinking about him will help. Your impending move is going to be really great for this. The rest is, I think, just time and new experiences and new connections with people. Hopefully you'll soon come to a point when you can think of the feelings you had for this person as kind of marvelous and magical without feeling all the pain of not possessing him.
posted by agent99 at 12:21 PM on April 8, 2007
My gut instinct is that you need more going on in your life. The fact that you are leaving the country for a while will probably help a lot. It'll put even more distance between you two, and I imagine that you'll get caught up in everything you have going on with the move and thoughts of him will take a backseat to everything else in your life.
Time is generally the biggest factor when it comes to getting over somebody. You've had time. What you need is to get out, meet new people, and have exciting new experiences. Moving to another country is a great start to that. Once you see everything else going on in the world and meet some exciting new men, you'll probably be in a much better position than you are in now.
posted by PFL at 12:42 PM on April 8, 2007
Time is generally the biggest factor when it comes to getting over somebody. You've had time. What you need is to get out, meet new people, and have exciting new experiences. Moving to another country is a great start to that. Once you see everything else going on in the world and meet some exciting new men, you'll probably be in a much better position than you are in now.
posted by PFL at 12:42 PM on April 8, 2007
Except for some of the details, I'm going through exactly the same thing you are right now. I find that the busier I keep myself, the less I think about him, so maybe that will help. Part of me wants to cut off all contact with him, but another part wants to keep the lines of communication open so there's still a small hope for something happening down the road. So I don't really have an answer, but I empathize with you and will also watch this thread with interest.
posted by wsquared at 12:48 PM on April 8, 2007
posted by wsquared at 12:48 PM on April 8, 2007
I get to try out some new knowledge.
This sounds like an almost exact example of limerance, a concept I learned of just recently from a fellow mefite here.
posted by Ynoxas at 1:18 PM on April 8, 2007
This sounds like an almost exact example of limerance, a concept I learned of just recently from a fellow mefite here.
posted by Ynoxas at 1:18 PM on April 8, 2007
It sure sounds a lot like the behaviour of a clinically depressed person to me, and if that turns out to be the case, believe me when I say one can't make it go away in the next half-decade by listening to poetry. [Seriously. Glib, much?]
There's good and many reasons described in the question to go see a friendly local health professional.
posted by genghis at 1:19 PM on April 8, 2007
There's good and many reasons described in the question to go see a friendly local health professional.
posted by genghis at 1:19 PM on April 8, 2007
Check out SoYou'veBeenDumped.com.
Cutting it off will be painful. But it's going to be even more painful to keep thinking about him. It's like a really sticky band-aid. Rip it off in one go, and it really hurts, for a few seconds. Do it slowly, and it hurts for ages.
posted by Solomon at 1:28 PM on April 8, 2007
Cutting it off will be painful. But it's going to be even more painful to keep thinking about him. It's like a really sticky band-aid. Rip it off in one go, and it really hurts, for a few seconds. Do it slowly, and it hurts for ages.
posted by Solomon at 1:28 PM on April 8, 2007
Response by poster: therapy/outside assistance is pretty much out of the question ... i won't be here long enough to get any benefit from it, and once i leave i'll be dealing with learning a new language, beginning a new job, etc. (which, as many have suggested, will hopefully be quite helpful), and really won't be in a position to pursue this sort of thing. additionally, as mentioned earlier, i feel that i've already covered a lot of the ground a professional would, and from a logical standpoint have figured out many of the reasons that i've remained attached in this particular situation whereas i'm generally pretty good at getting over people and relationships. it's the emotional side that's throwing me for a loop, and not being sure how to reconcile what i know, and what i feel.
posted by the luke parker fiasco at 1:35 PM on April 8, 2007
posted by the luke parker fiasco at 1:35 PM on April 8, 2007
Best answer: A couple of minor details aside, and with the major difference that I didn't leave the country, I've been where you are. It's so much like you're writing about me that it made tears come to my eyes.
It took me 3 years. It didn't matter what I knew intellectually, or how much I deconstructed, or how many times my best friends tried to talk sense into me - and weekly therapy and antidepressants didn't fix it either.
I truly felt it would never end. It did though, at some point I slowly started to gain perspective, a little bit at a time.
Now I realize that I should have thought of my inital time with him as a fantastic vacation - it had a place in my life, but it's over and I can't go back - and that wasn't my real life. I didn't have a place there - and maybe I would have hated it, if I had to see him every day and get to know his quirks, and how he leaves the seat up and bitches when I want Italian instead of Chinese. I wanted to have that chance though - I wanted it so very much, and I felt sad and bitter and treated unfairly because I never got the chance. Because maybe I would have loved all of those things. But the cognitive dissonance created by the disparity between what I wanted to be real and what I kne w to be the truth - it was hurting me.
It helped me to talk about it - to tell my friends over and over again the same damn things. My email's in my profile, if you want.
posted by KAS at 2:32 PM on April 8, 2007 [9 favorites]
It took me 3 years. It didn't matter what I knew intellectually, or how much I deconstructed, or how many times my best friends tried to talk sense into me - and weekly therapy and antidepressants didn't fix it either.
I truly felt it would never end. It did though, at some point I slowly started to gain perspective, a little bit at a time.
Now I realize that I should have thought of my inital time with him as a fantastic vacation - it had a place in my life, but it's over and I can't go back - and that wasn't my real life. I didn't have a place there - and maybe I would have hated it, if I had to see him every day and get to know his quirks, and how he leaves the seat up and bitches when I want Italian instead of Chinese. I wanted to have that chance though - I wanted it so very much, and I felt sad and bitter and treated unfairly because I never got the chance. Because maybe I would have loved all of those things. But the cognitive dissonance created by the disparity between what I wanted to be real and what I kne w to be the truth - it was hurting me.
It helped me to talk about it - to tell my friends over and over again the same damn things. My email's in my profile, if you want.
posted by KAS at 2:32 PM on April 8, 2007 [9 favorites]
I have to say that the times in my life when I have made a conscious decision to do something (or stop doing something) specifically to say to myself, "this is the end of this" have generally not worked. Personally, I think it's wishful thinking manifesting itself in an action or series of actions, and little more. On the other hand, the times that I *have* gotten that kind of closure have come from actions not designed to find that kind of end - they were unintentional, but still very definitive, endings. If my experience (and I am very much the kind of person who gets attached and can fall into unrequited love) rings true with yours, then a trip to specifically shut the door on this relationship might not have the desired effect. In fact, it could make things worse, especially if you end up doing something to exacerbate your romantic feelings - i.e. a misunderstanding leads to another physical encounter - or if he gets hurt/angry and yells at you. Negative words could echo in your head indefinitely, making the feelings you have so much more painful.
Sometimes - dissatisfying as it seems - the best way to end something like this is simply to walk away.
Good luck to you.
posted by AthenaPolias at 2:54 PM on April 8, 2007
Sometimes - dissatisfying as it seems - the best way to end something like this is simply to walk away.
Good luck to you.
posted by AthenaPolias at 2:54 PM on April 8, 2007
"...Good idea, or bad idea?"
Not a good idea to put yourself, in your ambivalent emotional state, in a situation which is likely to be pretty charged for you, on account of there being a "going away" drama element attached to the meeting. The chances that you'll make any kind of "breakthrough" (especially considering the further information included in your followups) are slim, and the chances you'll both be awkward and uncomfortable the whole time are great, because of what hasn't transpired since your time together.
And really, for the sake of your future, and for the value of the good memory about yourself and about love that your time together created, you don't want to further load up this hypothetical "could have been" relationship any more than you have. In fact, to be good to yourself, and to him, you really want to put it away, like a snowglobe village, in your heart, where you can bring it out in low moments, and smile over it all again, and put it back away, where time can never get at it, or dim its perfection.
We all need a bit of perfect romance, to get us through the crap life inevitably throws our way. You've had at least some of yours early. So be glad for what you've had, and be strong enough to safe keep it.
And go out and find the real love and happiness you've been too busy looking backward, to take action to find.
posted by paulsc at 3:29 PM on April 8, 2007 [1 favorite]
Not a good idea to put yourself, in your ambivalent emotional state, in a situation which is likely to be pretty charged for you, on account of there being a "going away" drama element attached to the meeting. The chances that you'll make any kind of "breakthrough" (especially considering the further information included in your followups) are slim, and the chances you'll both be awkward and uncomfortable the whole time are great, because of what hasn't transpired since your time together.
And really, for the sake of your future, and for the value of the good memory about yourself and about love that your time together created, you don't want to further load up this hypothetical "could have been" relationship any more than you have. In fact, to be good to yourself, and to him, you really want to put it away, like a snowglobe village, in your heart, where you can bring it out in low moments, and smile over it all again, and put it back away, where time can never get at it, or dim its perfection.
We all need a bit of perfect romance, to get us through the crap life inevitably throws our way. You've had at least some of yours early. So be glad for what you've had, and be strong enough to safe keep it.
And go out and find the real love and happiness you've been too busy looking backward, to take action to find.
posted by paulsc at 3:29 PM on April 8, 2007 [1 favorite]
Man, this is the sort of question that you need real friends for, not internet pontificators. Ask 'em; they know you better than we do.
posted by klangklangston at 4:33 PM on April 8, 2007
posted by klangklangston at 4:33 PM on April 8, 2007
he made it clear from the outset that he wasn't looking for a commitment
But... that doesn't mean he may not be interested in one. Maybe his feelings have indeed changed.
Here's a questions: why NOT just level? Do you have anything to lose? He is not married, or otherwise "taken" right? And it's not like you would "ruin the friendship" by laying your cards on the table (since there is not much contact anyway)... so... a simple call to just settle it instead of trying to read hints might be in order. People are notoriously bad at giving and reading hints, in my experience.
posted by The Deej at 5:26 PM on April 8, 2007
But... that doesn't mean he may not be interested in one. Maybe his feelings have indeed changed.
Here's a questions: why NOT just level? Do you have anything to lose? He is not married, or otherwise "taken" right? And it's not like you would "ruin the friendship" by laying your cards on the table (since there is not much contact anyway)... so... a simple call to just settle it instead of trying to read hints might be in order. People are notoriously bad at giving and reading hints, in my experience.
posted by The Deej at 5:26 PM on April 8, 2007
The best way to get over these obsessive feelings for a short fling is to deal with whatever you are trying to avoid by hanging on to this fling for almost a year.
Whenever something like this happens to me, I always find that there is something unpleasant I don't want to deal with and that's why I obsess about it. Try to think of the one thing you'd rather not think about. Usually does the trick.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:49 PM on April 8, 2007 [2 favorites]
Whenever something like this happens to me, I always find that there is something unpleasant I don't want to deal with and that's why I obsess about it. Try to think of the one thing you'd rather not think about. Usually does the trick.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:49 PM on April 8, 2007 [2 favorites]
Best answer: (ow I cannot believe I am about to say this, so buckle up:)
Maybe he saw a chance to have a casual physical experience with you and that is all it ever was. (Charming cads are still cads, but the charming part seems to keep one from realizing their cadness.)
Can you see him as a cad, and then get mad? Kinda dump him off the pedestal, so to speak.
Meanwhile, to quote Ulysses Everett McGill:
"It's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart."
posted by konolia at 7:18 PM on April 8, 2007
Maybe he saw a chance to have a casual physical experience with you and that is all it ever was. (Charming cads are still cads, but the charming part seems to keep one from realizing their cadness.)
Can you see him as a cad, and then get mad? Kinda dump him off the pedestal, so to speak.
Meanwhile, to quote Ulysses Everett McGill:
"It's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart."
posted by konolia at 7:18 PM on April 8, 2007
genghis: Glib? Invoking the canon of the world's literature and music in response to a query about emotional torment? Yeah......I guess that was glib (?). Apparently you also did not read the following few posts where I encouraged the OP to seek the advice of a mental health professional, just as you did.
posted by inoculatedcities at 9:20 PM on April 8, 2007
posted by inoculatedcities at 9:20 PM on April 8, 2007
Ironmouth is very wise. What he said.
Over the past year, your relationship with this guy gave you something you needed at the time. What was that thing? How are you going to get it now, or is it something you no longer need? I think if you could nail that down, you wouldn't need to see this guy.
posted by Methylviolet at 9:53 PM on April 8, 2007
Over the past year, your relationship with this guy gave you something you needed at the time. What was that thing? How are you going to get it now, or is it something you no longer need? I think if you could nail that down, you wouldn't need to see this guy.
posted by Methylviolet at 9:53 PM on April 8, 2007
I think you should level with this guy and tell him EXACTLY how you feel. Right now, you are "guarding" your feelings from him. Why?
Pretty much just to save your pride.
Lets assume you are right and its a brief encounter, not particularly worth repeating from his point of view. Well, evidentally your heart doesn't know that. Having him TELL you that and pop the romantic bubble your heart is in, will enable you to leave the country feeling free. Most people who are still carrying a torch finding out that the person they are infatuated with is a jerk or a cad or whatever is HUGELY freeing. They can then move on. And that is what you need to do.
And if you are wrong? Well, that is worth knowing too.
posted by zia at 10:15 PM on April 8, 2007 [1 favorite]
Pretty much just to save your pride.
Lets assume you are right and its a brief encounter, not particularly worth repeating from his point of view. Well, evidentally your heart doesn't know that. Having him TELL you that and pop the romantic bubble your heart is in, will enable you to leave the country feeling free. Most people who are still carrying a torch finding out that the person they are infatuated with is a jerk or a cad or whatever is HUGELY freeing. They can then move on. And that is what you need to do.
And if you are wrong? Well, that is worth knowing too.
posted by zia at 10:15 PM on April 8, 2007 [1 favorite]
One more thing. You say you start making progress moving away from this emotional attachment but then get drawn back. I suggest that you start keeping a journal of what ELSE is going on in your life everytime you find yourself obessessing about him. I bet you'll find patterns.
For example, I notice I start stressing about my love life whenever there is stress at work. Its a way of re-directing stress in my life.
Keep track and see if you can notice any patterns.
posted by zia at 10:18 PM on April 8, 2007
For example, I notice I start stressing about my love life whenever there is stress at work. Its a way of re-directing stress in my life.
Keep track and see if you can notice any patterns.
posted by zia at 10:18 PM on April 8, 2007
Assuming you are correct in there being no feelings for you on his part, then a clean clean clean break is the best way to do things.
posted by chunking express at 6:54 AM on April 9, 2007
posted by chunking express at 6:54 AM on April 9, 2007
Right now, you are "guarding" your feelings from him. Why?
Pretty much just to save your pride.
Pride is a good thing to keep when you've already wasted a year obsessing about someone who's clearly not interested in going any further.
Pride, and the mental balance to go on about your own life without wasting more energy on this. I'd say that's a lot to save.
I think she has the best idea already, if she has to go and see him one last time at all, then it should not involve a declaration of hopelessly passionate unrequited love, it should be a last meeting just to say goodbye and 'have some closure', as they say. Personally, I'd avoid that last meeting altogether, though. You can do the closure in your own mind without putting yourself through further emotional turmoil.
Also, don't be so upset with yourself about obsessing over this guy for a whole year in the first place. Yes it's a long time but it happens. In itself it's not a sign of being mad or depressed or whatnot. Perhaps it's just a signal you want and need to come out of your solitary life and have more flings, because even they end like this, you'll learn to get over them a lot faster. Or perhaps it's also what Ironmouth said about it being a sort of 'distraction' from something else in your life. Some things are not in your control, take care of what is.
posted by pleeker at 10:01 AM on April 9, 2007
Pretty much just to save your pride.
Pride is a good thing to keep when you've already wasted a year obsessing about someone who's clearly not interested in going any further.
Pride, and the mental balance to go on about your own life without wasting more energy on this. I'd say that's a lot to save.
I think she has the best idea already, if she has to go and see him one last time at all, then it should not involve a declaration of hopelessly passionate unrequited love, it should be a last meeting just to say goodbye and 'have some closure', as they say. Personally, I'd avoid that last meeting altogether, though. You can do the closure in your own mind without putting yourself through further emotional turmoil.
Also, don't be so upset with yourself about obsessing over this guy for a whole year in the first place. Yes it's a long time but it happens. In itself it's not a sign of being mad or depressed or whatnot. Perhaps it's just a signal you want and need to come out of your solitary life and have more flings, because even they end like this, you'll learn to get over them a lot faster. Or perhaps it's also what Ironmouth said about it being a sort of 'distraction' from something else in your life. Some things are not in your control, take care of what is.
posted by pleeker at 10:01 AM on April 9, 2007
Response by poster: thanks, everyone, for all the advice and suggestions. it's been a rough 24 hours, thinking about all this so actively, but it's also a better option than continuing along as i have been.
to clear up a few questions/statements, if only for the people following the thread who seem to be in similar situations:
konolia: i'm pretty sure what he was looking for was a casual physical experience. i don't think it was his sole purpose, but hindsight seems to indicate that it was definitely one of the factors up for consideration. i can't call him a cad, though; he was up-front from the start, making sure i knew he wasn't looking for any continued involvement, saying in so many words "i don't want to lead you on", and giving me an out to decline if i had a different level of expectation. i knew the score from the outset, just didn't realize i'd feel so differently about it once it was over. that's not his fault.
(no worries, btw ... i'm quite fond of the phrase "there's no such thing as brutal honesty, just honesty. the directness is appreciated.)
to what ironmouth and others have said ... yes, there are other factors that have made this last longer than the average attraction. he possesses a lot of qualities i admire and, in some cases, wish i had in myself. so, to a certain extent, my attachment to him is a manifestation of my dissatisfaction with myself and where my life is, or was at. i've taken big steps to change that, which has been helpful. but the part i'm still having problems with is the part of me that continues to genuinely care for him because of his good qualities and the unique person he is.
with regards to pride ... granted, i'm one of those people who would give up everything in the world just to hold on to my pride, which isn't necessarily the best outlook. but in this case, the defining factor is that pouring my heart out serves no useful purpose. i know where he stands, and my telling him how i feel won't magically change that; if anything, it would make whatever interaction we may have in the future (mutual friends and all) that much more awkward, to have this sort of confession hanging over it. plus, he's a good and kind enough person that i can't imagine hearing something like this wouldn't have some negative effect on him. he didn't do anything wrong, and there's no reason to burden him with that knowledge without a good reason. and, even if all these things weren't true, and even if he was secretly harboring similar feelings for me ... i'm still leaving the country, and he's still focused on school, so nothing would come of it now anyway. given this reality, i'd much rather not pour my heart out for the sake of, well, pouring my heart out. or, to put it more succinctly:
"You fool. As if it matters how a man falls down."
"When the fall is all that's left, it matters a great deal."
- Prince Richard to Prince Geoffrey in The Lion in Winter
posted by the luke parker fiasco at 1:53 PM on April 9, 2007 [2 favorites]
to clear up a few questions/statements, if only for the people following the thread who seem to be in similar situations:
konolia: i'm pretty sure what he was looking for was a casual physical experience. i don't think it was his sole purpose, but hindsight seems to indicate that it was definitely one of the factors up for consideration. i can't call him a cad, though; he was up-front from the start, making sure i knew he wasn't looking for any continued involvement, saying in so many words "i don't want to lead you on", and giving me an out to decline if i had a different level of expectation. i knew the score from the outset, just didn't realize i'd feel so differently about it once it was over. that's not his fault.
(no worries, btw ... i'm quite fond of the phrase "there's no such thing as brutal honesty, just honesty. the directness is appreciated.)
to what ironmouth and others have said ... yes, there are other factors that have made this last longer than the average attraction. he possesses a lot of qualities i admire and, in some cases, wish i had in myself. so, to a certain extent, my attachment to him is a manifestation of my dissatisfaction with myself and where my life is, or was at. i've taken big steps to change that, which has been helpful. but the part i'm still having problems with is the part of me that continues to genuinely care for him because of his good qualities and the unique person he is.
with regards to pride ... granted, i'm one of those people who would give up everything in the world just to hold on to my pride, which isn't necessarily the best outlook. but in this case, the defining factor is that pouring my heart out serves no useful purpose. i know where he stands, and my telling him how i feel won't magically change that; if anything, it would make whatever interaction we may have in the future (mutual friends and all) that much more awkward, to have this sort of confession hanging over it. plus, he's a good and kind enough person that i can't imagine hearing something like this wouldn't have some negative effect on him. he didn't do anything wrong, and there's no reason to burden him with that knowledge without a good reason. and, even if all these things weren't true, and even if he was secretly harboring similar feelings for me ... i'm still leaving the country, and he's still focused on school, so nothing would come of it now anyway. given this reality, i'd much rather not pour my heart out for the sake of, well, pouring my heart out. or, to put it more succinctly:
"You fool. As if it matters how a man falls down."
"When the fall is all that's left, it matters a great deal."
- Prince Richard to Prince Geoffrey in The Lion in Winter
posted by the luke parker fiasco at 1:53 PM on April 9, 2007 [2 favorites]
One clarification: The reason I suggested that you pour out your heart is not because I thought it would change his mind, but because it might give you CLOSURE.
posted by zia at 5:37 PM on April 9, 2007
posted by zia at 5:37 PM on April 9, 2007
This thread is closed to new comments.
And the flight of it so fast
You can't see it
And you know it's there
Only by the faint whirr of its wings
And the hush song coming so low to your ears
You fear it might be silence
And you listen keen and you listen long
And you know it's more than silence
For you get the hush song so lovely
It hurts and cuts into your heart
And what you want is to give more than you can get
And you'd like to write it but it can't be written
And you'd like to sing it but you don't dare try
Because the little white bird sings it better than you can
- Carl Sandburg, "Little Word, Little White Bird"
posted by inoculatedcities at 11:08 AM on April 8, 2007 [13 favorites]