escape velocity from mild depression and relapse?
January 5, 2011 10:58 AM Subscribe
(escape velocity from mild depression filter) After a mild episode two years ago, not sure if I'm out of the woods yet; taking care of myself much better but still having trouble focusing and completing more complicated tasks; where do I go from here? (description follows)
semi tl;dr background: Moved abroad two years ago to pursue a higher degree which coincided with (in decreasing order of impact): 1) struggling to overcome a strained relationship with my best friend (w/characteristics of limerence) 2) adapting to life abroad (speak the language but far from fluent) and 3) constant uphill struggle to maintain interest and progress on my degree work (the program is relatively unstructured=self discipline a must).
During the first winter (which can incidentally span up to five months here), the confluence of the above mentioned factors drove me to a depressive state in which I could barely get out of the door/became wary of any social interaction and contemplated ending the whole endeavor (the degree). I'm also pretty thin physically, but I still managed to lose more weight and barely had any motivation beyond watching entire seasons of television series that I downloaded to my computer. Commitments to group projects kept me in the game though, and now that I think back, I am very thankful for those.
Things only improved after I told my family members about my problems and how I contemplated giving up. (I talked to them openly about factors 2 and 3 only). A combination of their encouragement, opening up to the few friends I have here and the fear of relapsing into what happened the first winter has helped me rebound to some extent. I run, I spend time making myself home cooked meals, I read engaging fiction, try to learn and interact with the local language and I take the opportunity to participate and present in weekly workshops on theory that have only partial relation to my area of research. I also resisted the urge to try to contact my friend, resigning myself to the fact that there's nothing I can really do in that regard but to let it be. For the most part this has helped me immensely, though naturally I still have bad days.
CBT has made me increasingly aware that "what you think influences how you feel." I have been careful not to allow certain doubts (warped or not) cloud my mood. But I think this past year, I've been dancing around what I fear most: that I will never really confront the fears of engaging myself in my work, and that I will end up relapsing. In the midst of writing this, I also have two looming presentation/paper deadlines for which I have devoted much reading, but hardly any written production. Instead I find myself listening to NPR, reading health related articles online and cleaning my room a lot. I am not (yet) in a state of panic, which paradoxically, worries me.
I've read many helpful posts here at MeFi on related situations, some advice such as meditation/mindfulness, keeping myself busy, exercise, CBT, etc. have made my day to day challenges a lot easier to handle. But increasingly, I believe my attempts have only scratched the surface of overcoming deeper problems.
Thus: I don't constantly feel a cloud hanging over me, but I'm constantly aware of my flea like attention span and increasing inability to spend productive time on research. How can I transition out of limbo onto more even footing?
(note: not on any meds; have not seen a therapist here as I'm not sure if I can wholly express my problems in the local language).
Thanks for slugging through this; Your insights and time are much appreciated.
Throwaway email: stevens.headofcatering.henry@googlemail.com
semi tl;dr background: Moved abroad two years ago to pursue a higher degree which coincided with (in decreasing order of impact): 1) struggling to overcome a strained relationship with my best friend (w/characteristics of limerence) 2) adapting to life abroad (speak the language but far from fluent) and 3) constant uphill struggle to maintain interest and progress on my degree work (the program is relatively unstructured=self discipline a must).
During the first winter (which can incidentally span up to five months here), the confluence of the above mentioned factors drove me to a depressive state in which I could barely get out of the door/became wary of any social interaction and contemplated ending the whole endeavor (the degree). I'm also pretty thin physically, but I still managed to lose more weight and barely had any motivation beyond watching entire seasons of television series that I downloaded to my computer. Commitments to group projects kept me in the game though, and now that I think back, I am very thankful for those.
Things only improved after I told my family members about my problems and how I contemplated giving up. (I talked to them openly about factors 2 and 3 only). A combination of their encouragement, opening up to the few friends I have here and the fear of relapsing into what happened the first winter has helped me rebound to some extent. I run, I spend time making myself home cooked meals, I read engaging fiction, try to learn and interact with the local language and I take the opportunity to participate and present in weekly workshops on theory that have only partial relation to my area of research. I also resisted the urge to try to contact my friend, resigning myself to the fact that there's nothing I can really do in that regard but to let it be. For the most part this has helped me immensely, though naturally I still have bad days.
CBT has made me increasingly aware that "what you think influences how you feel." I have been careful not to allow certain doubts (warped or not) cloud my mood. But I think this past year, I've been dancing around what I fear most: that I will never really confront the fears of engaging myself in my work, and that I will end up relapsing. In the midst of writing this, I also have two looming presentation/paper deadlines for which I have devoted much reading, but hardly any written production. Instead I find myself listening to NPR, reading health related articles online and cleaning my room a lot. I am not (yet) in a state of panic, which paradoxically, worries me.
I've read many helpful posts here at MeFi on related situations, some advice such as meditation/mindfulness, keeping myself busy, exercise, CBT, etc. have made my day to day challenges a lot easier to handle. But increasingly, I believe my attempts have only scratched the surface of overcoming deeper problems.
Thus: I don't constantly feel a cloud hanging over me, but I'm constantly aware of my flea like attention span and increasing inability to spend productive time on research. How can I transition out of limbo onto more even footing?
(note: not on any meds; have not seen a therapist here as I'm not sure if I can wholly express my problems in the local language).
Thanks for slugging through this; Your insights and time are much appreciated.
Throwaway email: stevens.headofcatering.henry@googlemail.com
You ask about transitioning out of limbo onto more even footing, but this sentence struck me:
But increasingly, I believe my attempts have only scratched the surface of overcoming deeper problems.
You're doing a great job of doing what you can to be healthy, but it sounds like you might really Like to get some help with those deeper problems, with getting unstuck and reaching escape velocity. You can try looking through old askmes for good books, but I would encourage you to talk with a professional. You sound pretty clear about some of the problems here, so while it might be harder with the language barrier, it still sounds worthwhile. It might even be just someone at the school health program to see what they'd recommend. YMMV, of course, based on the country you're in. If it's not one where therapy or meds are as accessible, maybe you can look into what your strategy might be the next time you're in the States.
posted by ldthomps at 12:29 PM on January 5, 2011
But increasingly, I believe my attempts have only scratched the surface of overcoming deeper problems.
You're doing a great job of doing what you can to be healthy, but it sounds like you might really Like to get some help with those deeper problems, with getting unstuck and reaching escape velocity. You can try looking through old askmes for good books, but I would encourage you to talk with a professional. You sound pretty clear about some of the problems here, so while it might be harder with the language barrier, it still sounds worthwhile. It might even be just someone at the school health program to see what they'd recommend. YMMV, of course, based on the country you're in. If it's not one where therapy or meds are as accessible, maybe you can look into what your strategy might be the next time you're in the States.
posted by ldthomps at 12:29 PM on January 5, 2011
Two questions,
Have you investigated whether there might be an english speaking therapist in your area?
and Have you ever been tested for ADD?
In adults depression can look like ADD and viseversa in either case medication could prove to be hugely helpful.
I'm admittedly on a little bit of a pro meds kick at the moment, I've been dealing with similar symptoms to the ones you've described for 15 years, 6 months ago I finally saw a therapist and got some mild meds. They did not, in anyway, make my symptoms go away - but they did make it substantially easier for me to remember my techniques, focus on the ones that work for me and break the ruminating cycle that tended to send me into depression.
It is also very possible that you're not getting enough sun, you could try a grow light in the area that you study and see if it helps your mood while you're pondering other options.
posted by dadici at 12:51 PM on January 5, 2011
Have you investigated whether there might be an english speaking therapist in your area?
and Have you ever been tested for ADD?
In adults depression can look like ADD and viseversa in either case medication could prove to be hugely helpful.
I'm admittedly on a little bit of a pro meds kick at the moment, I've been dealing with similar symptoms to the ones you've described for 15 years, 6 months ago I finally saw a therapist and got some mild meds. They did not, in anyway, make my symptoms go away - but they did make it substantially easier for me to remember my techniques, focus on the ones that work for me and break the ruminating cycle that tended to send me into depression.
It is also very possible that you're not getting enough sun, you could try a grow light in the area that you study and see if it helps your mood while you're pondering other options.
posted by dadici at 12:51 PM on January 5, 2011
Response by poster: Hey, thanks for the responses so far. I'm in Germany. While my listening comprehension may be serviceable, I'm primarily concerned that it's difficult for me to explain my situation in adequate detail/accuracy in German.
I had also contemplated ADD as a possible factor, but I've put off getting tested, both because of the possible language barrier precluding accurate test results and also because I admit to feeling that if it were somehow confirmed, I would feel resigned to centering my blame to this fact (irrational?). And yes, I never miss any opportunity to go outside if there's sunlight (even if it's minus 7 Celsius outside)!
posted by wallawallasweet at 1:27 PM on January 5, 2011
I had also contemplated ADD as a possible factor, but I've put off getting tested, both because of the possible language barrier precluding accurate test results and also because I admit to feeling that if it were somehow confirmed, I would feel resigned to centering my blame to this fact (irrational?). And yes, I never miss any opportunity to go outside if there's sunlight (even if it's minus 7 Celsius outside)!
posted by wallawallasweet at 1:27 PM on January 5, 2011
But increasingly, I believe my attempts have only scratched the surface of overcoming deeper problems.
My two cents...getting happier often doesn't require gaining deeper understanding of yourself or transforming things deep inside you; changes you might think are surface-level make a world of difference. We're simple creatures, we're happy when we have companionship--doesn't have to be someone who knows us inside-out or shares our interests, just another human being who cares about us and spends time with us. It's impossible to predict when you'll meet someone, but if/when you do, it might mark a change in your life. The other change that can make you happy is getting a job that gives you self-esteem and keeps you busy with human interactions--but you're in a grad school framework (which is a privilege, you're lucky), which delays that possibility, just know that things will not always be as they are and could get easier very quickly as time passes.
posted by Paquda at 1:38 PM on January 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
My two cents...getting happier often doesn't require gaining deeper understanding of yourself or transforming things deep inside you; changes you might think are surface-level make a world of difference. We're simple creatures, we're happy when we have companionship--doesn't have to be someone who knows us inside-out or shares our interests, just another human being who cares about us and spends time with us. It's impossible to predict when you'll meet someone, but if/when you do, it might mark a change in your life. The other change that can make you happy is getting a job that gives you self-esteem and keeps you busy with human interactions--but you're in a grad school framework (which is a privilege, you're lucky), which delays that possibility, just know that things will not always be as they are and could get easier very quickly as time passes.
posted by Paquda at 1:38 PM on January 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Hmm, I have always heard that the English speaking population in Germany is exceptionally large, are you not finding that to be true?
You know, I have the same fears about having a diagnosis to put the blame on, or looking like I'm looking for excuses for my own behavior. We need to try and train ourselves to think of these problems in the terms we would think of physical ailments. If your arm was hurting you wouldn't think you were being weak to go to a physician and get treatment. You've got a problem, maybe it can be helped by medicine, maybe it can be helped by something else, but the real weakness is being afraid to get help, living in pain, and not living up to your actual abilities and potential.
posted by dadici at 2:45 PM on January 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
You know, I have the same fears about having a diagnosis to put the blame on, or looking like I'm looking for excuses for my own behavior. We need to try and train ourselves to think of these problems in the terms we would think of physical ailments. If your arm was hurting you wouldn't think you were being weak to go to a physician and get treatment. You've got a problem, maybe it can be helped by medicine, maybe it can be helped by something else, but the real weakness is being afraid to get help, living in pain, and not living up to your actual abilities and potential.
posted by dadici at 2:45 PM on January 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
I think you gave us your answer:
Problem:
General theme:
I've been dancing around what I fear most: that I will never really confront the fears of engaging myself in my work, and that I will end up relapsing.
Specific manifestation:
I also have two looming presentation/paper deadlines for which I have devoted much reading, but hardly any written production.
Solution:
Commitments to group projects kept me in the game though, and now that I think back, I am very thankful for those.
Things only improved after I told my family members about my problems and how I contemplated giving up.
Start with the specifics. You know already that imposing a routine on yourself works and that you have a support system you can make use of. Decide on a writing routine and arrange the details in such a way that it'd be difficult, nay! impossible, to find excuses. Form a study group or else take your self out of the house to study. Let your family know what's going on so they can continue supporting you. Let someone at your uni know what's going on as well (to cover your back and for the support they could give you -- I speak from experience).
About dancing around your fears -- fully own them. It's all right to be scared out of your wits about a relapse and about your work. It's all right to want to quit. Give your feelings their space. I mean -- you might know you're scared but you'll continue being scared until you allow yourself to feel it. (Does that make sense?) But also do what needs to be done. Next time you're cleaning your room/listening to NPR or whatever, stop. Ask yourself how you're feeling and acknowledge the feeling. Then do some work. It's fine if you hate it. Just stick to your routine. And remember that it's not the end of the world unless it's the end of the world; this too shall pass.
posted by mkdirusername at 4:37 PM on January 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
Problem:
General theme:
I've been dancing around what I fear most: that I will never really confront the fears of engaging myself in my work, and that I will end up relapsing.
Specific manifestation:
I also have two looming presentation/paper deadlines for which I have devoted much reading, but hardly any written production.
Solution:
Commitments to group projects kept me in the game though, and now that I think back, I am very thankful for those.
Things only improved after I told my family members about my problems and how I contemplated giving up.
Start with the specifics. You know already that imposing a routine on yourself works and that you have a support system you can make use of. Decide on a writing routine and arrange the details in such a way that it'd be difficult, nay! impossible, to find excuses. Form a study group or else take your self out of the house to study. Let your family know what's going on so they can continue supporting you. Let someone at your uni know what's going on as well (to cover your back and for the support they could give you -- I speak from experience).
About dancing around your fears -- fully own them. It's all right to be scared out of your wits about a relapse and about your work. It's all right to want to quit. Give your feelings their space. I mean -- you might know you're scared but you'll continue being scared until you allow yourself to feel it. (Does that make sense?) But also do what needs to be done. Next time you're cleaning your room/listening to NPR or whatever, stop. Ask yourself how you're feeling and acknowledge the feeling. Then do some work. It's fine if you hate it. Just stick to your routine. And remember that it's not the end of the world unless it's the end of the world; this too shall pass.
posted by mkdirusername at 4:37 PM on January 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
Are you familiar with Toytown Germany? It's a lively message board for English speakers living in Germany. A quick search for 'therapist' led me to a whole heap of discussions between people looking for therapist recommendations in various parts of the country, plus a number of ads from native-English speaking therapists themselves.
If you are in Berlin, memail me so I can recommend my awesome native-English speaking GP and therapist.
posted by greenfelttip at 5:47 AM on January 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you are in Berlin, memail me so I can recommend my awesome native-English speaking GP and therapist.
posted by greenfelttip at 5:47 AM on January 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks for everyone's input thus far. The semester resumes next week and I'll look into student services for an appointment with a counselor on Monday. Student services had an English version to their psych/social advice site, maybe that's a good sign that language won't be too much of an issue.
Skeptical about self-diagnostic sites, but tried the ADHD test here and scored moderately high. Perhaps this is something I will bring to the attention of the counselor next week as well. Will update.
Best, wws
posted by wallawallasweet at 8:55 AM on January 6, 2011
Skeptical about self-diagnostic sites, but tried the ADHD test here and scored moderately high. Perhaps this is something I will bring to the attention of the counselor next week as well. Will update.
Best, wws
posted by wallawallasweet at 8:55 AM on January 6, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by TheBones at 11:33 AM on January 5, 2011