Advise on dealing with a socially isolated 16 year old who is smoking pot by himself?
December 15, 2010 3:58 PM Subscribe
Advise on dealing with a socially isolated 16 year old who is smoking pot by himself? Please help.
I am posting this for a friend.
Her son is 16. He is basically a good kid. Very smart, very gentle. But he is socially awkward, and over the past year or so, has mostly stopped spending time with friends. He is increasingly an isolated loner.
Recently, it has come to light that he is smoking pot. I understand that lots of 16 year olds smoke pot, but by themselves, alone, on school nights? That's not normal, right?
He has an older cousin, who is 25, and who is not helping the situation. The older cousin is a college drop-out, who has recently moved back in with his parents. This cousin does the same thing, and the 16 year old might be mirroring the behavior of his favorite cousin, one of the few people he is still very close to.
Unfortunately, the cousin is difficult to deal with. Impossible to deal with. The cousin is also an adult, beyond the age of getting a parental lecture.
My friend has tried every approach she can think of - freaking out at him, grounding, rational discussion, searching his room, etc. She is no longer really sure what to do. The behavior seems to be increasing.
What does a parent do? Going to the school guidance counselor seems to be asking for more problems - the school seems more concerned about making examples of people - than really helping individuals.
Any thoughts on what can be done? what should be done?
Any thoughts about where this might lead? How bad is this?
What questions should she be asking in this situation that she may not even be thinking about?
Any and all thoughts on this are greatly appreciated.
I am posting this for a friend.
Her son is 16. He is basically a good kid. Very smart, very gentle. But he is socially awkward, and over the past year or so, has mostly stopped spending time with friends. He is increasingly an isolated loner.
Recently, it has come to light that he is smoking pot. I understand that lots of 16 year olds smoke pot, but by themselves, alone, on school nights? That's not normal, right?
He has an older cousin, who is 25, and who is not helping the situation. The older cousin is a college drop-out, who has recently moved back in with his parents. This cousin does the same thing, and the 16 year old might be mirroring the behavior of his favorite cousin, one of the few people he is still very close to.
Unfortunately, the cousin is difficult to deal with. Impossible to deal with. The cousin is also an adult, beyond the age of getting a parental lecture.
My friend has tried every approach she can think of - freaking out at him, grounding, rational discussion, searching his room, etc. She is no longer really sure what to do. The behavior seems to be increasing.
What does a parent do? Going to the school guidance counselor seems to be asking for more problems - the school seems more concerned about making examples of people - than really helping individuals.
Any thoughts on what can be done? what should be done?
Any thoughts about where this might lead? How bad is this?
What questions should she be asking in this situation that she may not even be thinking about?
Any and all thoughts on this are greatly appreciated.
I hate to a Molly Mormon about it, but, well, send her here. Have her watch the video.
posted by SMPA at 4:06 PM on December 15, 2010
posted by SMPA at 4:06 PM on December 15, 2010
>>I understand that lots of 16 year olds smoke pot, but by themselves, alone, on school nights? That's not normal, right?
I don't know about 16 year olds, but I know plenty of people who do or have smoked pot by themselves.
Isolation isn't good, although it's not clear from the question how much isolation we're talking about. But to the extent that by itself would be a problem, I think that's the problem to address, rather than the solo pot smoking.
posted by J. Wilson at 4:06 PM on December 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
I don't know about 16 year olds, but I know plenty of people who do or have smoked pot by themselves.
Isolation isn't good, although it's not clear from the question how much isolation we're talking about. But to the extent that by itself would be a problem, I think that's the problem to address, rather than the solo pot smoking.
posted by J. Wilson at 4:06 PM on December 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Posting for a friend:
"That could have been me at 16. I had friends, but being a teen in suburbia and unable to drive meant a fair number of boring nights at home. I was doing fine in school (and now I'm doing perfectly fine in a white-collar job post-college), and smoking pot seemed less boring than another night walking around the block or watching TV.
Obviously, I wasn't nearly as sneaky as I thought and my parents figured what was going on. They had a short talk with me and it worked extremely well. They told me that they knew I was smoking pot, and they told me to be responsible and safe. They also told me that becoming intoxicated on my own wasn't healthy, that I should spend more time with friends, and that they would be willing to help fund any extracurricular activities to fend off boredom, and offered rides to my friends' houses.
Most importantly, they were very nonjudgmental and they didn't offer any talking points straight out of DARE. Teenagers usually have good bullshit detectors - they're not going to believe you if you tell them that pot is deadly or addictive like heroin. Talking to me, offering alternatives, and informing me of the risks in a levelheaded way worked wonders."
posted by ripley_ at 4:22 PM on December 15, 2010 [39 favorites]
"That could have been me at 16. I had friends, but being a teen in suburbia and unable to drive meant a fair number of boring nights at home. I was doing fine in school (and now I'm doing perfectly fine in a white-collar job post-college), and smoking pot seemed less boring than another night walking around the block or watching TV.
Obviously, I wasn't nearly as sneaky as I thought and my parents figured what was going on. They had a short talk with me and it worked extremely well. They told me that they knew I was smoking pot, and they told me to be responsible and safe. They also told me that becoming intoxicated on my own wasn't healthy, that I should spend more time with friends, and that they would be willing to help fund any extracurricular activities to fend off boredom, and offered rides to my friends' houses.
Most importantly, they were very nonjudgmental and they didn't offer any talking points straight out of DARE. Teenagers usually have good bullshit detectors - they're not going to believe you if you tell them that pot is deadly or addictive like heroin. Talking to me, offering alternatives, and informing me of the risks in a levelheaded way worked wonders."
posted by ripley_ at 4:22 PM on December 15, 2010 [39 favorites]
When I was a kid and my parents noticed potentially troublesome behavior like this, I used to get this one particular lecture. The theme of the lecture was, "Do you want to deliver pizzas for a living?" I always rolled my eyes at it, but it did cause me to think more critically about the behavior in question. Such a lecture, especially if it can be illustrated by the shiftless 25 year old cousin, could work well.
That said, if detaching from his friends is the real concern here, not slipping grades or risky illegal behavior, I'm guessing the problem there is depression. Which the Pizza Delivery Lecture is not going to cure.
posted by Sara C. at 4:23 PM on December 15, 2010
That said, if detaching from his friends is the real concern here, not slipping grades or risky illegal behavior, I'm guessing the problem there is depression. Which the Pizza Delivery Lecture is not going to cure.
posted by Sara C. at 4:23 PM on December 15, 2010
I think that the question, as stated, is a little misleading. If I were that 16-year-old, I wouldn't want anyone to "deal" with me. I would want someone to help me with the issues that frustrated me. Also, I would probably not be very open or eloquent or forthcoming about it.
I think that most of the solutions the mother has tried — freaking out at him, grounding, searching his room — probably did more harm than good in this situation. Those things demonstrate the opposite of trust and respect. Who'd want to open up and be frank in that kind of environment?
You write that the kid is increasingly isolated socially. It seems something is bothering him, or that something in his life isn't working out. That's the issue here. The pot-smoking is just the most evident symptom. Treating the kid himself as the problem only puts more distance between him and his mother.
It's possible that their relationship isn't close enough for him to open up or for her to understand what might be wrong in his life. In that case, it seems that the help of a therapist or counselor may be required. I think that the best approach to the situation is to sit down with a non-judgmental, compassionate adult in an atmosphere of trust and respect. If the mother can't provide that kind of environment (unconditionally, not just for the sake of "solving the problem" and moving on), then a visit to a professional may be in order.
posted by Nomyte at 4:27 PM on December 15, 2010 [10 favorites]
I think that most of the solutions the mother has tried — freaking out at him, grounding, searching his room — probably did more harm than good in this situation. Those things demonstrate the opposite of trust and respect. Who'd want to open up and be frank in that kind of environment?
You write that the kid is increasingly isolated socially. It seems something is bothering him, or that something in his life isn't working out. That's the issue here. The pot-smoking is just the most evident symptom. Treating the kid himself as the problem only puts more distance between him and his mother.
It's possible that their relationship isn't close enough for him to open up or for her to understand what might be wrong in his life. In that case, it seems that the help of a therapist or counselor may be required. I think that the best approach to the situation is to sit down with a non-judgmental, compassionate adult in an atmosphere of trust and respect. If the mother can't provide that kind of environment (unconditionally, not just for the sake of "solving the problem" and moving on), then a visit to a professional may be in order.
posted by Nomyte at 4:27 PM on December 15, 2010 [10 favorites]
Is his mother a single mom? I wonder if a youth mentoring program like Big Brothers and Big Sisters could help out. An older adult would be a better mentor than the cousin, and having a non-judgemental, non-family member adult in a young person's life can be a really great thing.
posted by Calzephyr at 4:27 PM on December 15, 2010
posted by Calzephyr at 4:27 PM on December 15, 2010
Smoking pot alone on a weeknight is not inherently "bad" or "not normal." Is he struggling in school? Does he maybe he has friends online at least?
There's two issues at play and it's not really clear which your friend wishes to address--
1) He smokes pot. I'm not clear to what extent this is an issue other than a) it's illegal in the U.S., and b) maybe it's an addiction affecting other areas of his life (??). Short of telling him he can't live in the house if he's toking up, I'm not really sure there's much hope for this one. She must be willing to follow through. I suppose she could try forcing him into rehab, but she should keep in mind that rehab only really works when the addict is ready to commit to a change.
2) He's a loner. Maybe the kid has friends online? Maybe he's just going through a totally normal socially awkward teenage phase? Maybe he's depressed (and self-medicating via marijuana)? We can't know why he's started to hide out in the house. If this is really serious, his mom should be helping him seek therapy if he's receptive to he idea. Not school counseling, but actual therapy.
Neither of these things are ominous signs for the rest of his life, necessarily, though. I understand where the worries come from, but unless there's something more serious going on that hasn't been elaborated, this just sounds like general teenage rebellion and/or depression.
posted by asciident at 4:29 PM on December 15, 2010
There's two issues at play and it's not really clear which your friend wishes to address--
1) He smokes pot. I'm not clear to what extent this is an issue other than a) it's illegal in the U.S., and b) maybe it's an addiction affecting other areas of his life (??). Short of telling him he can't live in the house if he's toking up, I'm not really sure there's much hope for this one. She must be willing to follow through. I suppose she could try forcing him into rehab, but she should keep in mind that rehab only really works when the addict is ready to commit to a change.
2) He's a loner. Maybe the kid has friends online? Maybe he's just going through a totally normal socially awkward teenage phase? Maybe he's depressed (and self-medicating via marijuana)? We can't know why he's started to hide out in the house. If this is really serious, his mom should be helping him seek therapy if he's receptive to he idea. Not school counseling, but actual therapy.
Neither of these things are ominous signs for the rest of his life, necessarily, though. I understand where the worries come from, but unless there's something more serious going on that hasn't been elaborated, this just sounds like general teenage rebellion and/or depression.
posted by asciident at 4:29 PM on December 15, 2010
Response by poster: He is not getting great grades, but he is not failing either. He is not getting in trouble in school.
The primary concern is smoking pot at 16, especially doing it alone. The isolation seems to make the whole thing that much more troubling.
But, maybe the isolation is the real root problem? How can one tell that?
posted by Flood at 4:30 PM on December 15, 2010
The primary concern is smoking pot at 16, especially doing it alone. The isolation seems to make the whole thing that much more troubling.
But, maybe the isolation is the real root problem? How can one tell that?
posted by Flood at 4:30 PM on December 15, 2010
He has to be getting pot from somewhere, is it from the cousin you mentioned?
posted by kylej at 4:33 PM on December 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by kylej at 4:33 PM on December 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
One can't tell that. But a qualified therapist who specializes in working with adolescents can help the boy figure it out for himself. That's ultimately what needs to happen here. Mom can't stop son from smoking pot. She can't fix his social life or make him less awkward or otherwise force him to fix what's wrong with his life. But what she can do is get him a trustworthy third party to help him sort out his own feelings and figure out how to improve his own life.
posted by decathecting at 4:34 PM on December 15, 2010
posted by decathecting at 4:34 PM on December 15, 2010
I don't think a 16 year old smoking pot alone is all that bad, per se, but I do agree that he is likely mirroring his older cousin. If anything, I would try to limit their contact, but that could be next to impossible at this age.
I wouldn't really worry about him smoking pot alone if he's generally doing ok with school and behaving normally- you say he's a good, smart and gentle kid. I think that's all that really matters. I would encourage him to pursue his interests, foster his talents and forget the "pot is bad mmkay" speeches. I know plenty of perfectly successful potheads. The problem here is the role model, not the pot. You don't want him to think it's ok to shirk responsibilities and move back in at 25.
posted by sunshinesky at 4:37 PM on December 15, 2010
I wouldn't really worry about him smoking pot alone if he's generally doing ok with school and behaving normally- you say he's a good, smart and gentle kid. I think that's all that really matters. I would encourage him to pursue his interests, foster his talents and forget the "pot is bad mmkay" speeches. I know plenty of perfectly successful potheads. The problem here is the role model, not the pot. You don't want him to think it's ok to shirk responsibilities and move back in at 25.
posted by sunshinesky at 4:37 PM on December 15, 2010
I think ripley_ had some of the best advice in here:
Perhaps he is being extra cautious, and doesn't want to smoke with other people for fear of being caught. Does he know you'd be less concerned if he was getting high with friends? Is that really how you feel?
posted by ejfox at 4:40 PM on December 15, 2010 [3 favorites]
They told me that they knew I was smoking pot, and they told me to be responsible and safe. They also told me that becoming intoxicated on my own wasn't healthy, that I should spend more time with friends, and that they would be willing to help fund any extracurricular activities to fend off boredom, and offered rides to my friends' houses.Smoking pot at 16 is probably one of the least worrisome activities a 16-year-old boy could be getting up to. I'm not really entirely sure why him doing it alone especially bothers you. I'm also curious how you know he's doing it alone.
Perhaps he is being extra cautious, and doesn't want to smoke with other people for fear of being caught. Does he know you'd be less concerned if he was getting high with friends? Is that really how you feel?
posted by ejfox at 4:40 PM on December 15, 2010 [3 favorites]
I'd also like to echo sunshinesky's basic idea of: if there isn't really a problem (bad grades, bad behavior) I don't think you have too much to worry about. If the worry is his social skills, then I don't think the pot is really related. If anything, a lot of the heavy pot-smokers I've met talk about the substance allowing them to make friends better...
posted by ejfox at 4:42 PM on December 15, 2010
posted by ejfox at 4:42 PM on December 15, 2010
Uh, it seems quite obvious that he's self-medicating for something, whether that's boredom, an emerging/worsening mental illness (social anxiety, schizophrenia, depression, who knows), or what have you.
Why is your friend taking a punitive approach to this rather than helping him solve his problems?? Taking away someone's self-medication won't do a thing if the reason they're self-medicating is still there. Frankly I find it a little bizarre that if you had a 16 year old in this situation, the *pot smoking* would be the thing you were fixating on, rather than the fact that he's becoming an isolated loner.
Has she asked him if he's okay? Has she really tried to have a completely non-judgmental conversation with him about his life where she does nothing but listen? Even then, he may not want to tell her what's going on with him, given she's his mom and he probably feels that on top of that, she's been intruding in his life/violating his privacy in a demeaning and disrespectful way.
If I were her, I'd try to get him to talk to a good doctor. Failing that, I'd try to get him out of his circumstances, maybe try to get him to go somewhere that he can be the smart, gentle, good kid that he is and be around other kids like himself, in a place where he won't feel as socially awkward.
posted by Ashley801 at 4:47 PM on December 15, 2010 [7 favorites]
Why is your friend taking a punitive approach to this rather than helping him solve his problems?? Taking away someone's self-medication won't do a thing if the reason they're self-medicating is still there. Frankly I find it a little bizarre that if you had a 16 year old in this situation, the *pot smoking* would be the thing you were fixating on, rather than the fact that he's becoming an isolated loner.
Has she asked him if he's okay? Has she really tried to have a completely non-judgmental conversation with him about his life where she does nothing but listen? Even then, he may not want to tell her what's going on with him, given she's his mom and he probably feels that on top of that, she's been intruding in his life/violating his privacy in a demeaning and disrespectful way.
If I were her, I'd try to get him to talk to a good doctor. Failing that, I'd try to get him out of his circumstances, maybe try to get him to go somewhere that he can be the smart, gentle, good kid that he is and be around other kids like himself, in a place where he won't feel as socially awkward.
posted by Ashley801 at 4:47 PM on December 15, 2010 [7 favorites]
In more basic terms the pot is not the problem, being an isolated loner is not even necessarily in and of itself is not the problem ... whatever the reason is that he has started smoking so much pot and being an isolated loner is the problem and that's what she should be focusing on.
posted by Ashley801 at 4:49 PM on December 15, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by Ashley801 at 4:49 PM on December 15, 2010 [4 favorites]
Smoking pot at 16 is probably one of the least worrisome activities a 16-year-old boy could be getting up to.
No. It is a sign of someone who has problems with reality and is avoiding dealing that by getting high. Unless you are defining "worrisome" in a very short term manner. No, the baked 16 year old probably isn't going to be breaking into garages tonight. But that kind of behavior at that age is not a sign of good things to come.
Also, sort of against the law. Responsible adults simply cannot condone law breaking.
Uh, it seems quite obvious that he's self-medicating for something, whether that's boredom, an emerging/worsening mental illness (social anxiety, schizophrenia, depression, who knows), or what have you.
Absolutely. Having known people on the other side of this who are trying to get their lives together after wasting 10-15 years wasted and alone, I can tell you it only gets worse.
posted by gjc at 4:56 PM on December 15, 2010 [8 favorites]
No. It is a sign of someone who has problems with reality and is avoiding dealing that by getting high. Unless you are defining "worrisome" in a very short term manner. No, the baked 16 year old probably isn't going to be breaking into garages tonight. But that kind of behavior at that age is not a sign of good things to come.
Also, sort of against the law. Responsible adults simply cannot condone law breaking.
Uh, it seems quite obvious that he's self-medicating for something, whether that's boredom, an emerging/worsening mental illness (social anxiety, schizophrenia, depression, who knows), or what have you.
Absolutely. Having known people on the other side of this who are trying to get their lives together after wasting 10-15 years wasted and alone, I can tell you it only gets worse.
posted by gjc at 4:56 PM on December 15, 2010 [8 favorites]
Best answer: The primary concern is smoking pot at 16, especially doing it alone.
The only thing I would be concerned with here is the fact that, if he's smoking alone a lot, he's clearly connected enough to know where to get illegal drugs on a regular basis. Smoking at 16 isn't unusual. Smoking alone is slightly odd if my experience of teenagerdom is generalizable, but nothing to flip out over. What would worry me is that my 16 year old had such tight and reliable drug connections. Because I sure as hell didn't know how to stay supplied with a constant stream of pot at that age.
Also, pot is not cheap. I work full time in a white collar career and I can't afford to smoke weed regularly. If the mother really doesn't want him doing it, she should cut off his access to that kind of money. Either by cutting the allowance, denying him permission to have a job, or by giving him constraints that will force him to spend job money on stuff like gas or saving for college or whatever.
posted by Sara C. at 4:58 PM on December 15, 2010 [7 favorites]
The only thing I would be concerned with here is the fact that, if he's smoking alone a lot, he's clearly connected enough to know where to get illegal drugs on a regular basis. Smoking at 16 isn't unusual. Smoking alone is slightly odd if my experience of teenagerdom is generalizable, but nothing to flip out over. What would worry me is that my 16 year old had such tight and reliable drug connections. Because I sure as hell didn't know how to stay supplied with a constant stream of pot at that age.
Also, pot is not cheap. I work full time in a white collar career and I can't afford to smoke weed regularly. If the mother really doesn't want him doing it, she should cut off his access to that kind of money. Either by cutting the allowance, denying him permission to have a job, or by giving him constraints that will force him to spend job money on stuff like gas or saving for college or whatever.
posted by Sara C. at 4:58 PM on December 15, 2010 [7 favorites]
I would stay away from loaded words like "addiction" when discussing marijuana, but it just isn't true that the whacky-tabacky isn't habit forming or harmful. One of the most usual ways for a minor to suffer harm from toking up is to suffer potentially long-term legal consequences. While conviction for a minor possession or under the influence offense can be bad enough on their own, they could potentially result in problems obtaining federally guaranteed student loans (in the U.S.).
If it was my kid, I'd tell him I'd much rather that he have a drink with me than smoke by himself, and make that the rule. No weed (it's illegal), and alcohol only with me at home, and then only if no one is driving anywhere later.
posted by Hylas at 5:36 PM on December 15, 2010
If it was my kid, I'd tell him I'd much rather that he have a drink with me than smoke by himself, and make that the rule. No weed (it's illegal), and alcohol only with me at home, and then only if no one is driving anywhere later.
posted by Hylas at 5:36 PM on December 15, 2010
Nomyte and Ashley801 are correct. From what you're saying, the mother doesn't have much in the way of parenting skills, or insight into her son's feelings/motivations. That doesn't make her a bad person, but people don't just magically grow parenting skills, and kids don't just magically grow up without support & guidance. These folks need highly-skilled, compassionate help. Not to be alarmist, but 16/17 is a really important turning point. It really matters what choices are made here.
Depriving/punishing/threatening *do not teach skills*, and sitting alone in your room smoking weed while everybody else is out hooking up and preparing for their futures means you are almost 100% certain to be lacking some basic emotional/social skills. Again, not a judgment.
posted by facetious at 5:47 PM on December 15, 2010 [3 favorites]
Depriving/punishing/threatening *do not teach skills*, and sitting alone in your room smoking weed while everybody else is out hooking up and preparing for their futures means you are almost 100% certain to be lacking some basic emotional/social skills. Again, not a judgment.
posted by facetious at 5:47 PM on December 15, 2010 [3 favorites]
>>Uh, it seems quite obvious that he's self-medicating for something, whether that's boredom, an emerging/worsening mental illness (social anxiety, schizophrenia, depression, who knows), or what have you.
That's not at all obvious to me. It's certainly possible. But obvious? I smoke pot because it feels good and is enjoyable. I run and play tennis because those activities make me feel good and are enjoyable. I hang out with my friends because it's enjoyable. Don't jump to the conclusion that there's something wrong for which he is self-medicating when all we know is that he's doing something he enjoys.
He's a teenager smoking pot. If it isn't causing him problems and if he isn't having problems of which solo toking is a symptom, there's nothing to be particularly worried about.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:52 PM on December 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
That's not at all obvious to me. It's certainly possible. But obvious? I smoke pot because it feels good and is enjoyable. I run and play tennis because those activities make me feel good and are enjoyable. I hang out with my friends because it's enjoyable. Don't jump to the conclusion that there's something wrong for which he is self-medicating when all we know is that he's doing something he enjoys.
He's a teenager smoking pot. If it isn't causing him problems and if he isn't having problems of which solo toking is a symptom, there's nothing to be particularly worried about.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:52 PM on December 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
To clarify, when I said it seemed obvious he was self-medicating, I was specifically referring to the manner and frequency of his pot smoking combined with his increasing social isolation, not his pot smoking itself.
Probably 80% of my friends and relatives smoke pot from time to time or have in the past. Very few of them do it in the way that this kid is doing it. Of the people who do, every last one of them has eventually been diagnosed with mental illness. Not to say that's necessarily the case for this kid, but there's a big difference between "normal" pot usage and the kind of self-medicating usage this seems to be.
posted by Ashley801 at 5:59 PM on December 15, 2010
Probably 80% of my friends and relatives smoke pot from time to time or have in the past. Very few of them do it in the way that this kid is doing it. Of the people who do, every last one of them has eventually been diagnosed with mental illness. Not to say that's necessarily the case for this kid, but there's a big difference between "normal" pot usage and the kind of self-medicating usage this seems to be.
posted by Ashley801 at 5:59 PM on December 15, 2010
We haven't been told *anything* about the frequency of his smoking. The fact that he's been doing it by himself isn't very useful or important information. There are a lot of big assumptions being made in this thread because we don't have the information we need to judge the situation.
The fact that he's increasingly isolated is somewhat worrisome, but still, the question says that he still spends time with his friends and is close with his cousin. Maybe there's a big problem here, but maybe mom is just freaking out because she caught her kid toking.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:10 PM on December 15, 2010
The fact that he's increasingly isolated is somewhat worrisome, but still, the question says that he still spends time with his friends and is close with his cousin. Maybe there's a big problem here, but maybe mom is just freaking out because she caught her kid toking.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:10 PM on December 15, 2010
It sounds possibly like the mother is transposing family frustrations with the nephew onto her son and confusing the situation for herself.
Put another way, I'm not sure how freaking out on the son, or the degradation of getting his room searched (read: privacy violated), is going to turn the son into a happy, emotionally integrated young man. Does she?
To be honest, most of the biggest stoners I knew in High School are now really successful professionals. Overall, the Mom's behavior sounds a lot more problematic than the son's. Sorry.
ripley_ gave the best advice and there is little to add.
The mother and son could go together to a few family counseling sessions. But that solution runs the risk of making the son the BIG FOCUS and BIG PROBLEM.
The better solution is to give this kid a sense of a future. I think the better answer might be to get the son enrolled in something he likes. Many of the colleges near my high school offered weekend classes in art, photography, graphic design, etc. etc. Is something like that possible here?
If he was involved in doing something he wanted to do, he might gain some confidence and isolate less.
posted by jbenben at 6:19 PM on December 15, 2010 [3 favorites]
Put another way, I'm not sure how freaking out on the son, or the degradation of getting his room searched (read: privacy violated), is going to turn the son into a happy, emotionally integrated young man. Does she?
To be honest, most of the biggest stoners I knew in High School are now really successful professionals. Overall, the Mom's behavior sounds a lot more problematic than the son's. Sorry.
ripley_ gave the best advice and there is little to add.
The mother and son could go together to a few family counseling sessions. But that solution runs the risk of making the son the BIG FOCUS and BIG PROBLEM.
The better solution is to give this kid a sense of a future. I think the better answer might be to get the son enrolled in something he likes. Many of the colleges near my high school offered weekend classes in art, photography, graphic design, etc. etc. Is something like that possible here?
If he was involved in doing something he wanted to do, he might gain some confidence and isolate less.
posted by jbenben at 6:19 PM on December 15, 2010 [3 favorites]
The older cousin is a college drop-out, who has recently moved back in with his parents. This cousin does the same thing, and the 16 year old might be mirroring the behavior of his favorite cousin, one of the few people he is still very close to.
Unfortunately, the cousin is difficult to deal with. Impossible to deal with. The cousin is also an adult, beyond the age of getting a parental lecture.
The cousin is the key here, no matter how hard he is to "deal with." If he is the one person the 16 year-old feels close to, his aid should be enlisted. He should be approached as an adult, as he is 25, and asked to help by setting a good example. It's perfectly okay to decide college isn't for you, but at 25, the cousin could try to find work and pay the parents rent rather than sit around smoking. And he could be an empathetic confidante for the boy, who sounds like he could use more friends.
And your friend needs to suck it up and act like a parent, which is not just about punishing or pleading after the fact, but about empathizing where appropriate (the 16 yo, it seems to me, could use a sympathetic ear if he is a loner; it's tough not fitting in at that age) and setting firm boundaries and sticking to them. If she doesn't want the cousin to smoke in her home or around the 16 year-old, she needs to spell that out to him, as well as explaining WHY--that he is a huge influence on the younger boy and she doesn't feel it is appropriate, etc.
posted by misha at 6:20 PM on December 15, 2010
Unfortunately, the cousin is difficult to deal with. Impossible to deal with. The cousin is also an adult, beyond the age of getting a parental lecture.
The cousin is the key here, no matter how hard he is to "deal with." If he is the one person the 16 year-old feels close to, his aid should be enlisted. He should be approached as an adult, as he is 25, and asked to help by setting a good example. It's perfectly okay to decide college isn't for you, but at 25, the cousin could try to find work and pay the parents rent rather than sit around smoking. And he could be an empathetic confidante for the boy, who sounds like he could use more friends.
And your friend needs to suck it up and act like a parent, which is not just about punishing or pleading after the fact, but about empathizing where appropriate (the 16 yo, it seems to me, could use a sympathetic ear if he is a loner; it's tough not fitting in at that age) and setting firm boundaries and sticking to them. If she doesn't want the cousin to smoke in her home or around the 16 year-old, she needs to spell that out to him, as well as explaining WHY--that he is a huge influence on the younger boy and she doesn't feel it is appropriate, etc.
posted by misha at 6:20 PM on December 15, 2010
The primary concern is smoking pot at 16, especially doing it alone. The isolation seems to make the whole thing that much more troubling.
Smoking pot at 16: not unusual. That's the age that I and most people I know starting smoking pot - it was more available than alcohol and a lot easier to get away with.
Doing it alone: depending on frequency, also possibly not unusual. Every night might be a bit much, but now and then isn't crazy. When I was that age and smoked alone, it was because my friends weren't doing anything and I wanted to make my Saturday night of watching TV/whatever a little bit more enjoyable.
I think the right path here would be for his mother to talk to the son about the smoking and her concerns. A simple "I've noticed this and I'm worried, should I be?" should be a good start. I definitely wouldn't have wanted to hear a lecture about it and would've shut down quickly if that was the case, but a calm, rational discussion should net a lot more facts (frequency, reason) that you could come back here and share with us.
posted by coupdefoudre at 6:37 PM on December 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
Smoking pot at 16: not unusual. That's the age that I and most people I know starting smoking pot - it was more available than alcohol and a lot easier to get away with.
Doing it alone: depending on frequency, also possibly not unusual. Every night might be a bit much, but now and then isn't crazy. When I was that age and smoked alone, it was because my friends weren't doing anything and I wanted to make my Saturday night of watching TV/whatever a little bit more enjoyable.
I think the right path here would be for his mother to talk to the son about the smoking and her concerns. A simple "I've noticed this and I'm worried, should I be?" should be a good start. I definitely wouldn't have wanted to hear a lecture about it and would've shut down quickly if that was the case, but a calm, rational discussion should net a lot more facts (frequency, reason) that you could come back here and share with us.
posted by coupdefoudre at 6:37 PM on December 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
Yeah. I smoked pot alone when I was that age. I was also depressed, and had other emotional problems. The pot's not the problem. Trying to scare him or invade his privacy will not help. There are root problems here that need to be addressed with a modicum of sympathy and support. If he's willing to talk to a psychologist or psychiatrist, he should. Of course, his parents will have to make clear it's his choice, and not infer or say that he's crazy. That will just make things worse. Trust me.
posted by dortmunder at 6:44 PM on December 15, 2010
posted by dortmunder at 6:44 PM on December 15, 2010
My gut reaction is that he's depressed and self medicating with pot. Find a good mental health professional to figure put why he's forgone his friends in favor of underachieving and devoting his life to smoking pot by himself every night. I'm guessing that the pot is a symptom, not the disease.
posted by whoaali at 7:19 PM on December 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by whoaali at 7:19 PM on December 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
I have three sons, the youngest is now 35, so it's been a while, but I've also worked with teenagers since my own were young. One of the things that I've told them all is that we have no idea of what marijuana -or any other recreational drug- does to a body that's still growing. I don't really know if there has been any scientific research done on this.
Has his mother ever smoked pot? Does she now? What does he do with himself when he's alone smoking? Is he playing a musical instrument, or engaging in some other creative pursuit? Or does he just get wasted and listen to music or watch tv? Are they in a community where they're likely to find a counselor who won't automatically insist that smoking pot is totally wrong and terrible?
Sometimes kids find it easier to talk about important things with adults who are not their parents, like relatives, close family friends, teachers. Is there anyone like this the kid seems to trust?
posted by mareli at 7:21 PM on December 15, 2010
Has his mother ever smoked pot? Does she now? What does he do with himself when he's alone smoking? Is he playing a musical instrument, or engaging in some other creative pursuit? Or does he just get wasted and listen to music or watch tv? Are they in a community where they're likely to find a counselor who won't automatically insist that smoking pot is totally wrong and terrible?
Sometimes kids find it easier to talk about important things with adults who are not their parents, like relatives, close family friends, teachers. Is there anyone like this the kid seems to trust?
posted by mareli at 7:21 PM on December 15, 2010
I didn't smoke pot when I was his age, but I did smoke in college and after college. Did I smoke alone? Yes. Did I smoke with other people? Sometimes. Which did I prefer? Alone.
The reality is some people are introverts. In its purest sense, that means they recharge by being alone, and the important thing is--THAT IS NOT UNHEALTHY. I enjoy smoking pot alone more than with others because then I can just focus totally on the experience and enjoy being with myself. It also makes things less boring.
Now, there are two separate issues here. The first is that he is smoking pot and the mom doesn't like it. Well, technically its her house and her rules and it IS illegal. That said, I'd personally rather have a kid smoking pot alone where I can at least watch them then be out with friends doing stupid shit and potentially getting hurt, hurting others, or getting arrested. It could be a LOT worse than it is.
The second issue is the isolation. Does this kid play computer games online, like World of Warcraft? Maybe they are not as isolated as you might think. Also, do they do any physical activities? If not consider getting them a set of weights, a musical instrument, etc. Give them constructive things to do and let them have at it. If they are that bored, odds are they might try it.
But whatever you do, do NOT try to force them to be social. Some people just aren't meant to be social and society for some reason thinks that is a bad thing.
posted by Elminster24 at 10:51 PM on December 15, 2010 [6 favorites]
The reality is some people are introverts. In its purest sense, that means they recharge by being alone, and the important thing is--THAT IS NOT UNHEALTHY. I enjoy smoking pot alone more than with others because then I can just focus totally on the experience and enjoy being with myself. It also makes things less boring.
Now, there are two separate issues here. The first is that he is smoking pot and the mom doesn't like it. Well, technically its her house and her rules and it IS illegal. That said, I'd personally rather have a kid smoking pot alone where I can at least watch them then be out with friends doing stupid shit and potentially getting hurt, hurting others, or getting arrested. It could be a LOT worse than it is.
The second issue is the isolation. Does this kid play computer games online, like World of Warcraft? Maybe they are not as isolated as you might think. Also, do they do any physical activities? If not consider getting them a set of weights, a musical instrument, etc. Give them constructive things to do and let them have at it. If they are that bored, odds are they might try it.
But whatever you do, do NOT try to force them to be social. Some people just aren't meant to be social and society for some reason thinks that is a bad thing.
posted by Elminster24 at 10:51 PM on December 15, 2010 [6 favorites]
I love pot, but I disagree with the posters who say smoking pot at 16 is okay. It's well known that cannabis negatively affects neural pathway development when the brain is still developing, and 16 is right smack in the sweet spot of that development.
It's not gang-raping people or huffing Dust-off or starting land wars in Asia, but smoking pot at age 16 is not good for the brain in the long run.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 1:34 AM on December 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
It's not gang-raping people or huffing Dust-off or starting land wars in Asia, but smoking pot at age 16 is not good for the brain in the long run.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 1:34 AM on December 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
She should get stoned with him one night. It will instantly be uncool.
Seriously, the last joint I smoked was with my dad and stepmom. :(
posted by Jacqueline at 3:03 AM on December 16, 2010
Seriously, the last joint I smoked was with my dad and stepmom. :(
posted by Jacqueline at 3:03 AM on December 16, 2010
I do not have teenagers. I do have a twelve and a half year old, though, so it's coming like a freight train.
I'd take this kid to a therapist because it sounds like he might be depressed or have some other mental health difficulty.
But other than that, honestly, this wouldn't bother me. At all. Look, the kid's home at night. He's not cruising around in cars getting high. Yes, he's getting it somewhere, but if he lives in one of the states that have medical marijuana, chances are he has small enough amounts that they are, if not decriminalized, about the same legal penalty as a minor in possession of alcohol. And, again, if he's at home, the chances of him getting caught are very low. If he's getting it from his cousin, he's probably pretty safe there, too- he's not gonna get a beat down over a front gone bad or some other, awful, drug related crime.
A kid who is home nights, no matter what he's doing there, is probably not driving home drunk from a kegger, knocking up his girlfriend, or getting arrested for vandalism. This stuff is all on the normal continuum of teenage behavior, too, and pretty undesireable.
If your friend were mine, I'd tell to her to call a therapist and count her blessings.
As to the "but pot is illega!" argument: in some places, it's illegal to drive without two people walking in front of your car holding lanterns. They are both stupid and outdated laws, not moral issues. Honestly, how is smoking pot worse than smoking cigarettes? Wait, cigarettes are better because they're legal? Gee, there's some circular thinking for you.
And, no, I don't smoke weed. I'd rather take a walk or have a nap. But have no problem with people who do smoke weed. I think most of the time it's better than booze or cigs.
posted by Leta at 6:39 AM on December 16, 2010
I'd take this kid to a therapist because it sounds like he might be depressed or have some other mental health difficulty.
But other than that, honestly, this wouldn't bother me. At all. Look, the kid's home at night. He's not cruising around in cars getting high. Yes, he's getting it somewhere, but if he lives in one of the states that have medical marijuana, chances are he has small enough amounts that they are, if not decriminalized, about the same legal penalty as a minor in possession of alcohol. And, again, if he's at home, the chances of him getting caught are very low. If he's getting it from his cousin, he's probably pretty safe there, too- he's not gonna get a beat down over a front gone bad or some other, awful, drug related crime.
A kid who is home nights, no matter what he's doing there, is probably not driving home drunk from a kegger, knocking up his girlfriend, or getting arrested for vandalism. This stuff is all on the normal continuum of teenage behavior, too, and pretty undesireable.
If your friend were mine, I'd tell to her to call a therapist and count her blessings.
As to the "but pot is illega!" argument: in some places, it's illegal to drive without two people walking in front of your car holding lanterns. They are both stupid and outdated laws, not moral issues. Honestly, how is smoking pot worse than smoking cigarettes? Wait, cigarettes are better because they're legal? Gee, there's some circular thinking for you.
And, no, I don't smoke weed. I'd rather take a walk or have a nap. But have no problem with people who do smoke weed. I think most of the time it's better than booze or cigs.
posted by Leta at 6:39 AM on December 16, 2010
The problem is that pot is illegal and having drug-related offenses on your record in the US disqualifies you from federal student aid. So it's a law that has real consequences, even if you are on the beneficial side of The War On Some People's Drugs. If you're on the not-so-beneficial side? If you're poor or non-white? Yeah, you can really go to actual JAIL for weed. And I'm not sure how many states still have "three strikes" drug laws, but still, a pot bust can be a pretty big deal. It's not like getting a ticket for jaywalking.
I say this as someone who is pretty much universally pro-marijuana.
posted by Sara C. at 9:15 AM on December 16, 2010 [3 favorites]
I say this as someone who is pretty much universally pro-marijuana.
posted by Sara C. at 9:15 AM on December 16, 2010 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you all for your thoughts.
I appreciate it your input.
posted by Flood at 10:29 AM on December 16, 2010
I appreciate it your input.
posted by Flood at 10:29 AM on December 16, 2010
The problem is that pot is illegal and having drug-related offenses on your record in the US disqualifies you from federal student aid. So it's a law that has real consequences, even if you are on the beneficial side of The War On Some People's Drugs. If you're on the not-so-beneficial side? If you're poor or non-white? Yeah, you can really go to actual JAIL for weed. And I'm not sure how many states still have "three strikes" drug laws, but still, a pot bust can be a pretty big deal. It's not like getting a ticket for jaywalking.
Yes, I agree... but this is why it's a very bad idea to discourage kids from quietly smoking at home and/or buying drugs from family. The most likely alternative isn't a drug-free kid, it's a kid who gets and/or smokes his weed at school, work, or on the street, where an arrest is orders of magnitude more likely.
If legality is the problem, here, the last thing you want to do is tell this kid he can't smoke at home. I should know -- I was busted at 16, largely because I viewed my parents as my primary weed-seeking enemy rather than the cops. I still wish my parents had been understanding about the fact that I smoke; if they had, I'd have skipped years of doing dumb shit like hiding pot in my car or my locker at work. I doubt I'd smoke any more or less than I already do as a result, either (which isn't much, actually).
In short: I can absolutely understand not wanting your 16 year old to smoke, but you need to make him understand that if he does choose to smoke, home is the best place to do it.
posted by mj_sockpuppet at 10:51 AM on December 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
Yes, I agree... but this is why it's a very bad idea to discourage kids from quietly smoking at home and/or buying drugs from family. The most likely alternative isn't a drug-free kid, it's a kid who gets and/or smokes his weed at school, work, or on the street, where an arrest is orders of magnitude more likely.
If legality is the problem, here, the last thing you want to do is tell this kid he can't smoke at home. I should know -- I was busted at 16, largely because I viewed my parents as my primary weed-seeking enemy rather than the cops. I still wish my parents had been understanding about the fact that I smoke; if they had, I'd have skipped years of doing dumb shit like hiding pot in my car or my locker at work. I doubt I'd smoke any more or less than I already do as a result, either (which isn't much, actually).
In short: I can absolutely understand not wanting your 16 year old to smoke, but you need to make him understand that if he does choose to smoke, home is the best place to do it.
posted by mj_sockpuppet at 10:51 AM on December 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
If I were that 16-year-old, I wouldn't want anyone to "deal" with me. I would want someone to help me with the issues that frustrated me.
Not me. I was this kid, and all I wanted was 1) To get laid, 2) To get drunk/high, and 3) To be left alone by anyone not directly involved in #1 or 2.
I wonder what else it happening in his life. Does he have a car? Does he want one? Does he have a job? There are many ways his mother can have leverage over his actions if she's willing to show a little tough love.
My mother's solution worked well. She got me a car if I could pay for gas and insurance, which meant getting a job, which is the only thing that kept me from sitting on my ass all through high school.
The loser cousin could be more of a problem. Through him, the kid has learned that screwing up has no consequences. Mom needs to disabuse him of this notion.
posted by coolguymichael at 12:48 PM on December 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
Not me. I was this kid, and all I wanted was 1) To get laid, 2) To get drunk/high, and 3) To be left alone by anyone not directly involved in #1 or 2.
I wonder what else it happening in his life. Does he have a car? Does he want one? Does he have a job? There are many ways his mother can have leverage over his actions if she's willing to show a little tough love.
My mother's solution worked well. She got me a car if I could pay for gas and insurance, which meant getting a job, which is the only thing that kept me from sitting on my ass all through high school.
The loser cousin could be more of a problem. Through him, the kid has learned that screwing up has no consequences. Mom needs to disabuse him of this notion.
posted by coolguymichael at 12:48 PM on December 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
Just another chime in to add -- anything that his mother is doing to shame him or punish him will only drive the kid and the cousin closer.
posted by lhall at 6:51 PM on December 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by lhall at 6:51 PM on December 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
having drug-related offenses on your record in the US disqualifies you from federal student aid.
It only disqualifies you if you obtain said record while receiving federal student aid. Don't try to scare the kid with misinformation. Google will set him straight in moments and it will be harder for him to take what authority figures say seriously after they misinform (or "lie").
posted by asciident at 2:12 AM on December 19, 2010
It only disqualifies you if you obtain said record while receiving federal student aid. Don't try to scare the kid with misinformation. Google will set him straight in moments and it will be harder for him to take what authority figures say seriously after they misinform (or "lie").
posted by asciident at 2:12 AM on December 19, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
It's not unusual.
Is he struggling in school?
Is he getting into trouble?
posted by chillmost at 4:05 PM on December 15, 2010