Only marijuana lets me be the person I want to be. But I don't want to be dependent on drugs just to function.
I've struggled for years with so much anger, negativity, suspicion of others, and general difficulty enjoying life. I've been in therapy (CBT) several times trying to counteract these habits. According to the assessments I took for therapy, I am suffering from depression, anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder. I don't take any prescription drugs and I don't drink because of a history of alcoholism.
A few times a year, I smoke pot. When I do, it's like all the self-destructive aspects of my mind shut up for a little while. I suddenly realize that I can be kind to myself and others. I clean my room instead of letting all the shit pile up, because I'm not paralyzed by thinking, "What's the point?" I don't assume all the people around me are idiots or jerks or trying to hurt me. I am able to enjoy basic things like food, watching a movie, cuddling with my significant other, or taking a walk.
Then, when the drug wears off, I'm back to being a nervous wreck. If I could take a little bit of marijuana every day as a real prescription, I guess I would do it -- but that doesn't seem practical or wise. I just want to be able to LISTEN to the positive impulses inside ("Take care of yourself and others,"), and NOT LISTEN to the negative ones ("Everyone and everything sucks, everyone is a jerk.").
Can you guys give me some insight as to why marijuana makes this huge difference, and what I should do? I don't want to be dependent on any drugs, but should I just get over it and use what I know works for me? I'm miserable and at a loss.
You can e-mail me if you want at M8Rfirstname.lastname@example.org