Orgasms for a man who lasts hours (to days)? NSFW.
November 19, 2010 2:56 PM Subscribe
I'm in a new relationship with a great guy. Of course there's a but. He has a hard time getting to orgasm, and I'm having a difficult time dealing with that. NSFW
I believe him when he tells me he's not jerking off privately. Our sex life together is new, so I understand that this will become less of an issue, but he assures me that it's always there. He just "can't" come quickly.
There's been dirty talk, different positions, me focusing entirely on him, him focusing entirely on me.
Now, the domme in me is certain that he can blow a load in under ten minutes, but is holding something back (physically, whether he realizes it or not) and prodding him about it isn't going to get him off any faster.
I'm all for the hours and hours of making love. But sometimes I want a quickie where we're both finished, ya know? And since we fucked for what felt like an entire solid week (which was actually "just" morning, nooners, and bedtime for 6 days) before I got to see him cum, I'm feeling really selfish for getting off as often as I do.)
So, mefi men, is there a secret handshake that I need to learn? Mefi ladies, what do you do to bring your guy over the edge?
I believe him when he tells me he's not jerking off privately. Our sex life together is new, so I understand that this will become less of an issue, but he assures me that it's always there. He just "can't" come quickly.
There's been dirty talk, different positions, me focusing entirely on him, him focusing entirely on me.
Now, the domme in me is certain that he can blow a load in under ten minutes, but is holding something back (physically, whether he realizes it or not) and prodding him about it isn't going to get him off any faster.
I'm all for the hours and hours of making love. But sometimes I want a quickie where we're both finished, ya know? And since we fucked for what felt like an entire solid week (which was actually "just" morning, nooners, and bedtime for 6 days) before I got to see him cum, I'm feeling really selfish for getting off as often as I do.)
So, mefi men, is there a secret handshake that I need to learn? Mefi ladies, what do you do to bring your guy over the edge?
You just need to believe him when he tells you he takes awhile. There's no reason to believe he's holding something back, there's no incentive to do so. Some guys have hair triggers, some guys take awhile.
posted by bluejayk at 3:07 PM on November 19, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by bluejayk at 3:07 PM on November 19, 2010 [3 favorites]
Bummer that you don't have a throwaway e-mail or sock puppet here, because I have some questions.
Is this partner sexually experienced [with more than just his palm]?
Is he accustomed to coming in a very particular way?
Has he ever jerked himself off in your presence, either with your assistance/touch or not?
The other question I'd ask is whether HE feels that you're being selfish for coming more than he does. Maybe the relationship is too new for you to feel like he'd give you an honest answer about something that clearly bugs you, but it sounds like the quality and quantity is juuuust fiiiine for both of you right now. If he says he's cool with it, I'd tend to believe him.
I'm certainly not saying that you shouldn't be concerned about this, since coming is the standard for "yeah, it was good" (for better or worse). But the more attention you put on this issue, the less comfort you'll have together in general. That's kind of the main rule of sex in any situation.
posted by Madamina at 3:08 PM on November 19, 2010
Is this partner sexually experienced [with more than just his palm]?
Is he accustomed to coming in a very particular way?
Has he ever jerked himself off in your presence, either with your assistance/touch or not?
The other question I'd ask is whether HE feels that you're being selfish for coming more than he does. Maybe the relationship is too new for you to feel like he'd give you an honest answer about something that clearly bugs you, but it sounds like the quality and quantity is juuuust fiiiine for both of you right now. If he says he's cool with it, I'd tend to believe him.
I'm certainly not saying that you shouldn't be concerned about this, since coming is the standard for "yeah, it was good" (for better or worse). But the more attention you put on this issue, the less comfort you'll have together in general. That's kind of the main rule of sex in any situation.
posted by Madamina at 3:08 PM on November 19, 2010
I believe him when he tells me he's not jerking off privately.
This sounds like you being really weird and controlling.
But sometimes I want a quickie where we're both finished
Do you realize that you don't always get everything you want when it involves others' minds and bodies?
posted by fritley at 3:12 PM on November 19, 2010 [14 favorites]
This sounds like you being really weird and controlling.
But sometimes I want a quickie where we're both finished
Do you realize that you don't always get everything you want when it involves others' minds and bodies?
posted by fritley at 3:12 PM on November 19, 2010 [14 favorites]
Is he on an SSRI or any other medication?
posted by gracedissolved at 3:14 PM on November 19, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by gracedissolved at 3:14 PM on November 19, 2010 [2 favorites]
If the genders were reversed, would the conversation be the same?
I feel that you should just relax and enjoy, and yipee, at least one of you is coming a lot. Perhaps, with time and more knowledge, it will change.
(If there is alcohol involved, lose it.)
posted by Danf at 3:14 PM on November 19, 2010 [2 favorites]
I feel that you should just relax and enjoy, and yipee, at least one of you is coming a lot. Perhaps, with time and more knowledge, it will change.
(If there is alcohol involved, lose it.)
posted by Danf at 3:14 PM on November 19, 2010 [2 favorites]
So, mefi men, is there a secret handshake that I need to learn?
You really need to ask your particular lover that question.
You are being selfish and attempting to control him for your benefit of your own ego.
You should stop that and listen to what your particular lover is telling you about himself. If you haven't already, ask him if he's bothered by the situation and if so, how does he cope with it.
posted by nomadicink at 3:14 PM on November 19, 2010 [6 favorites]
You really need to ask your particular lover that question.
You are being selfish and attempting to control him for your benefit of your own ego.
You should stop that and listen to what your particular lover is telling you about himself. If you haven't already, ask him if he's bothered by the situation and if so, how does he cope with it.
posted by nomadicink at 3:14 PM on November 19, 2010 [6 favorites]
i think she is actually being controlling and selfish, but not in t a weird way. to quote from the question "the domme in me"
OP, if you are in a BDSM relationship, i can understand how utterly frustrating and crazy making it must be to not know where the orgasm button is. granting and denying completion is a fairly basic power game people play in those sorts of relationships.
the advice in here so far is pretty spot on though - like women, not all men have a hair trigger. some guys just take a really, really long time to come. the best suggestion would be to actually accept that and then think of another way for him to satisfy your completion desires.
a thinking out of the box suggestion - hire in a prostitute for a hand job and see if she can't find a spot you didn't think to press.
posted by nadawi at 3:20 PM on November 19, 2010 [2 favorites]
OP, if you are in a BDSM relationship, i can understand how utterly frustrating and crazy making it must be to not know where the orgasm button is. granting and denying completion is a fairly basic power game people play in those sorts of relationships.
the advice in here so far is pretty spot on though - like women, not all men have a hair trigger. some guys just take a really, really long time to come. the best suggestion would be to actually accept that and then think of another way for him to satisfy your completion desires.
a thinking out of the box suggestion - hire in a prostitute for a hand job and see if she can't find a spot you didn't think to press.
posted by nadawi at 3:20 PM on November 19, 2010 [2 favorites]
I don't have any surefire tips or tricks to speed up a slow comer. But I can tell you that pressuring him (and trying too hard for too long is pressure, even if you never say anything negative) is about the most counter-productive thing you could do. Nothing kills a happy feeling in the naughty parts like becoming self-conscious and worried about whether your partner is getting tired or bored of trying to get you off.
If he can't get off by the time you're done, I'd take elsietheeel's suggestion to stop when you've had enough and let him finish himself. Or be cool with him going without, if he so chooses, and possibly he'll be more horned up for next time.
Occasionally my hubs will take a long time to get there, and sometimes I'm happy to just keep going until it either happens or he says it ain't gonna. Switching it up from sex to bj or vice versa will make it more comfortable for me and provides different stimulation for him which often helps.
Things I've done that have occasionally gotten him off when he thinks it isn't going to happen:
Tucking a small vibrating egg in my hand, lubing it up and jacking him off.
A little finger action on the prostate while jacking him (with or without vibe) or giving oral.
Letting him go ahead and give up, then after a few minutes of naked cuddle time, start idly playing with his dick. Do it slow and easy and only work up to jacking him if he really seems to get going again. Be willing to let it go after a bit if he doesn't.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 3:31 PM on November 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
If he can't get off by the time you're done, I'd take elsietheeel's suggestion to stop when you've had enough and let him finish himself. Or be cool with him going without, if he so chooses, and possibly he'll be more horned up for next time.
Occasionally my hubs will take a long time to get there, and sometimes I'm happy to just keep going until it either happens or he says it ain't gonna. Switching it up from sex to bj or vice versa will make it more comfortable for me and provides different stimulation for him which often helps.
Things I've done that have occasionally gotten him off when he thinks it isn't going to happen:
Tucking a small vibrating egg in my hand, lubing it up and jacking him off.
A little finger action on the prostate while jacking him (with or without vibe) or giving oral.
Letting him go ahead and give up, then after a few minutes of naked cuddle time, start idly playing with his dick. Do it slow and easy and only work up to jacking him if he really seems to get going again. Be willing to let it go after a bit if he doesn't.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 3:31 PM on November 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
Oh, and if it's a BDSM thing, you could always play around with a little orgasm denial. Just because you can't get him to edge every time before stopping doesn't mean you won't have him good and frustrated after a few days of no coming with you and forbidden masturbation. :)
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 3:35 PM on November 19, 2010
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 3:35 PM on November 19, 2010
I'm on a medication that makes it next to impossible to bust a nut. This week, I took my doctor and the interweb's suggestion to take a "drug holiday" to see if I could come during sexytime with my lady friend after our hot date last night. My lady friend knows what buttons to push but after fucking the shit out of each other for over an hour we collapsed in pool of sweat but no nut. I did have an enjoyable time and had what could be called mini orgasms along the way. She had a good time as well but she was disappointed that she did not get to me to come. I think she was more disappointed than I.
I know when I come off this med, my coming will return to normal (which takes longer than the hair trigger I had 20 years ago but much shorter than when the sex starts to become more of a chore than fun like last night). Saying things like "come for me baby" or other verbal cues to finish is a double-edged sword, with some partners it pushes me over the edge, with others it adds pressure and has the opposite effect.
If your dude isn't on a medication and does have a problem with the time it takes to climax, he should speak to his doctor. No one likes to talk to their doc about their dicks but there may be a medical reason for this. It may be in his head. It may be just the way he is. It is a myth that coming is a mechanical process for dudes. Although from reading the question you see this as your problem, but it really is his problem and he needs to take care of it if it is bothering him. It would bother me.
posted by birdherder at 3:48 PM on November 19, 2010
I know when I come off this med, my coming will return to normal (which takes longer than the hair trigger I had 20 years ago but much shorter than when the sex starts to become more of a chore than fun like last night). Saying things like "come for me baby" or other verbal cues to finish is a double-edged sword, with some partners it pushes me over the edge, with others it adds pressure and has the opposite effect.
If your dude isn't on a medication and does have a problem with the time it takes to climax, he should speak to his doctor. No one likes to talk to their doc about their dicks but there may be a medical reason for this. It may be in his head. It may be just the way he is. It is a myth that coming is a mechanical process for dudes. Although from reading the question you see this as your problem, but it really is his problem and he needs to take care of it if it is bothering him. It would bother me.
posted by birdherder at 3:48 PM on November 19, 2010
Please memail me, I am a female dominant with some experience in this area. Discretion is assured.
posted by desjardins at 3:52 PM on November 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by desjardins at 3:52 PM on November 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
I believe him when he tells me he's not jerking off privately.
You're wrong.
Now, the domme in me is certain that he can blow a load in under ten minutes
You're wrong.
but is holding something back (physically, whether he realizes it or not)
You're wrong.
and prodding him about it isn't going to get him off any faster.
Finally, you're right.
Make sure he's not on any meds or alcohol. Start with a relaxing massage. Make him comfortable enough that he'll tell you anything. Ask him what he likes. Do those things. Ask him what he doesn't like. Don't do those things. Make him feel better about himself. Tell him he's hung like a moose and you feel like bragging about his amazing technique to all of your friends but you're afraid they won't believe you or they'll be insanely jealous (and that's all the better if it's the truth). Tell him, "I'm all for the hours and hours of making love" and that you're impressed with his stamina because other guys can't do you like he does you.
But recognize that this isn't a mountain to be climbed or a beach to invade. There's no "victory condition" in this game. This may be out of your control. Enjoy that.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 3:53 PM on November 19, 2010 [2 favorites]
You're wrong.
Now, the domme in me is certain that he can blow a load in under ten minutes
You're wrong.
but is holding something back (physically, whether he realizes it or not)
You're wrong.
and prodding him about it isn't going to get him off any faster.
Finally, you're right.
Make sure he's not on any meds or alcohol. Start with a relaxing massage. Make him comfortable enough that he'll tell you anything. Ask him what he likes. Do those things. Ask him what he doesn't like. Don't do those things. Make him feel better about himself. Tell him he's hung like a moose and you feel like bragging about his amazing technique to all of your friends but you're afraid they won't believe you or they'll be insanely jealous (and that's all the better if it's the truth). Tell him, "I'm all for the hours and hours of making love" and that you're impressed with his stamina because other guys can't do you like he does you.
But recognize that this isn't a mountain to be climbed or a beach to invade. There's no "victory condition" in this game. This may be out of your control. Enjoy that.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 3:53 PM on November 19, 2010 [2 favorites]
There's nothing wrong with asking the guy if he masturbates, and if so, whether he does it very vigorously. Delayed orgasm is really common, and IF a guy rubs hard or with little lubrication, that can actually lead to less sensitivity. In such a case, he can train himself to be more sensitive by masturbating lightly and with plenty of lube.
You might google "delayed orgasm" and see if that search yields any suggestions.
posted by wryly at 3:58 PM on November 19, 2010
You might google "delayed orgasm" and see if that search yields any suggestions.
posted by wryly at 3:58 PM on November 19, 2010
Is he on an SSRI or any other medication?
I was going to ask the same question. My partner tried a new medication and we experienced this exact same problem, but then it was out of the ordinary for him. He switched medications and things resumed their normal timelines.
Does your guy say that this is unusual for him to last so long? Or has he always been this way?
posted by rhapsodie at 3:59 PM on November 19, 2010
I was going to ask the same question. My partner tried a new medication and we experienced this exact same problem, but then it was out of the ordinary for him. He switched medications and things resumed their normal timelines.
Does your guy say that this is unusual for him to last so long? Or has he always been this way?
posted by rhapsodie at 3:59 PM on November 19, 2010
You don't sound controlling at all. How far you want to explore this issue with your new guy depends on the quality of the emotional intimacy and the relationship, generally.
Somebody above mentioned a prostate issue, so a trip to the doctor might help. Ditto investigating the medications, it could even be an herbal supplement or something he's taking that he won't admit to. I've seen other askme's by men who masturbate roughly and then have trouble with a partner, so that's also an option.
Do you know if he climaxes fairly quickly when solo?
I notice a lot of men haven't piped in here to tell you they have the same issue. I don't know what that means - just noting the fact.
I do know that the few times I've dated men with this issue, I (right or wrong) suspected there was something specific they were fantasizing about during sex and it didn't include me. I can't blame you if this is on your mind, too.
posted by jbenben at 5:00 PM on November 19, 2010
Somebody above mentioned a prostate issue, so a trip to the doctor might help. Ditto investigating the medications, it could even be an herbal supplement or something he's taking that he won't admit to. I've seen other askme's by men who masturbate roughly and then have trouble with a partner, so that's also an option.
Do you know if he climaxes fairly quickly when solo?
I notice a lot of men haven't piped in here to tell you they have the same issue. I don't know what that means - just noting the fact.
I do know that the few times I've dated men with this issue, I (right or wrong) suspected there was something specific they were fantasizing about during sex and it didn't include me. I can't blame you if this is on your mind, too.
posted by jbenben at 5:00 PM on November 19, 2010
Nothing kills a happy feeling in the naughty parts like becoming self-conscious and worried about whether your partner is getting tired or bored of trying to get you off.
This. A whole bunch.
When one of my ex's and I first started having sexy time, the only way I could come was a from a good bit of intercourse. She -could not- make me come any other way (handjobs, blowjobs, etc.). One day, she was committed, to say the least, about giving me a full "blowjob". During it, she muttered something along the lines of "god dammit, I am going to make you come!" Granted, it was in a [sort of] jokey tone, but it was not a pleasant experience, and anything that insisted she was tired and just wanted me to come for the sake of her own ego killed the mood completely.
posted by Evernix at 5:35 PM on November 19, 2010 [8 favorites]
This. A whole bunch.
When one of my ex's and I first started having sexy time, the only way I could come was a from a good bit of intercourse. She -could not- make me come any other way (handjobs, blowjobs, etc.). One day, she was committed, to say the least, about giving me a full "blowjob". During it, she muttered something along the lines of "god dammit, I am going to make you come!" Granted, it was in a [sort of] jokey tone, but it was not a pleasant experience, and anything that insisted she was tired and just wanted me to come for the sake of her own ego killed the mood completely.
posted by Evernix at 5:35 PM on November 19, 2010 [8 favorites]
>>I believe him when he tells me he's not jerking off privately.
>You're wrong.
Why are you so sure? He might be, he might not be, and even if he was it might not be a significant factor. Some guys yank it every chance they get; others don't.
Are you guys using condoms? I've had it happen where the condom reduced the sensation just enough that I could never quite go over the edge, no matter what we tried. And sex with someone new always has its pitfalls -- you come too fast, you can't come, you can't get it up, you get it up at an inappropriate moment, etc. I'd be a lot more concerned if this was still the case -- or was getting worse -- a month or three into the relationship. Since this is at the beginning, allow some time for things to mellow out.
But there's no substitute for communication. We can guess all day long, but only he can answer questions like: "Has this always happened with other partners? How does it change, the longer you are with someone? Are there positions that work better? What medications are you on?"
posted by Forktine at 5:36 PM on November 19, 2010
>You're wrong.
Why are you so sure? He might be, he might not be, and even if he was it might not be a significant factor. Some guys yank it every chance they get; others don't.
Are you guys using condoms? I've had it happen where the condom reduced the sensation just enough that I could never quite go over the edge, no matter what we tried. And sex with someone new always has its pitfalls -- you come too fast, you can't come, you can't get it up, you get it up at an inappropriate moment, etc. I'd be a lot more concerned if this was still the case -- or was getting worse -- a month or three into the relationship. Since this is at the beginning, allow some time for things to mellow out.
But there's no substitute for communication. We can guess all day long, but only he can answer questions like: "Has this always happened with other partners? How does it change, the longer you are with someone? Are there positions that work better? What medications are you on?"
posted by Forktine at 5:36 PM on November 19, 2010
I'm a woman who used to have a super hard time coming, and take forever to get there. That changed over time, but when that was the case, having a partner pressure me to come faster pretty much always killed any chance I had of getting there.
That's a useful experience for me to have had, because my current boyfriend takes a long time to come. I come a bunch of times before he does, and for a while, I felt selfish and unfair about it. But I've come to believe him when he says he gets immense pleasure from getting me off, and though I wish I could more easily and/or frequently return the favor, I think we have a more varied and creative sex life than we would if he were more of a wham-bam type.
He's always been like this (I know from oversharing conversations with previous/other partners of his), and I'm pretty sure he always will be, and it's not about me or us.
Just a point of reference ...
posted by rosa at 6:06 PM on November 19, 2010
That's a useful experience for me to have had, because my current boyfriend takes a long time to come. I come a bunch of times before he does, and for a while, I felt selfish and unfair about it. But I've come to believe him when he says he gets immense pleasure from getting me off, and though I wish I could more easily and/or frequently return the favor, I think we have a more varied and creative sex life than we would if he were more of a wham-bam type.
He's always been like this (I know from oversharing conversations with previous/other partners of his), and I'm pretty sure he always will be, and it's not about me or us.
Just a point of reference ...
posted by rosa at 6:06 PM on November 19, 2010
Jesus Christ, let it go. And if this isn't a d/s relationship, tell the domme in you to shut up. I mean that absolutely seriously.
Many, many men (especially men over 30) have delayed ejaculation issues from time to time. The absolute worst way to address those is by pressuring the men to hurry up and come already.
See, that's why I'm pretty confident that this isn't a d/s relationship, because if it were you could incorporate this into your play. Getting out of the domme headspace is going to help you a lot in all sorts of ways.
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:49 PM on November 19, 2010 [5 favorites]
Many, many men (especially men over 30) have delayed ejaculation issues from time to time. The absolute worst way to address those is by pressuring the men to hurry up and come already.
See, that's why I'm pretty confident that this isn't a d/s relationship, because if it were you could incorporate this into your play. Getting out of the domme headspace is going to help you a lot in all sorts of ways.
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:49 PM on November 19, 2010 [5 favorites]
You could pretty much have written this about me.
The sexual relationships that have worked best for me have been ones in which my partner realized that this categorically wasn't about them and could roll with it. Feeling pressure from someone on this issue usually makes me feel like shit.
If he's telling you that you're not being selfish, consider taking it to heart.
posted by the_bone at 7:07 PM on November 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
The sexual relationships that have worked best for me have been ones in which my partner realized that this categorically wasn't about them and could roll with it. Feeling pressure from someone on this issue usually makes me feel like shit.
If he's telling you that you're not being selfish, consider taking it to heart.
posted by the_bone at 7:07 PM on November 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
Getting out of the domme headspace is going to help you a lot in all sorts of ways.
Obviously, I mean when you're doing non-d/s relationships. When you're doing d/s, that's the time to rock your domme.
posted by Sidhedevil at 7:19 PM on November 19, 2010
Obviously, I mean when you're doing non-d/s relationships. When you're doing d/s, that's the time to rock your domme.
posted by Sidhedevil at 7:19 PM on November 19, 2010
So, mefi men, is there a secret handshake that I need to learn?
Yes. It is called compassion.
Is he on an SSRI or any other medication?
This. Anorgasmia is a common side-effect of SSRIs, among other things. Also, low libido, which would explain the not-jerking-off (although it can also be explained by the futility and the arm fatigue).
That said, are you sure he's not jerking off? I mean, that's really none of your business, but if you haven't explained all this to him (i.e. quickie good!), he may indeed be going to great lengths to be all endurance-y, under the misapprehension that it's What Women Want.
posted by Sys Rq at 8:39 PM on November 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
Yes. It is called compassion.
Is he on an SSRI or any other medication?
This. Anorgasmia is a common side-effect of SSRIs, among other things. Also, low libido, which would explain the not-jerking-off (although it can also be explained by the futility and the arm fatigue).
That said, are you sure he's not jerking off? I mean, that's really none of your business, but if you haven't explained all this to him (i.e. quickie good!), he may indeed be going to great lengths to be all endurance-y, under the misapprehension that it's What Women Want.
posted by Sys Rq at 8:39 PM on November 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
I notice a lot of men haven't piped in here to tell you they have the same issue. I don't know what that means - just noting the fact.
Many, many dudes have this problem. If they're with friendly and compassionate partners, it's a minor inconvenience. If they're with disbelieving, resentful partners, it gets heartbreaking.
posted by brainwane at 11:23 PM on November 19, 2010 [3 favorites]
Many, many dudes have this problem. If they're with friendly and compassionate partners, it's a minor inconvenience. If they're with disbelieving, resentful partners, it gets heartbreaking.
posted by brainwane at 11:23 PM on November 19, 2010 [3 favorites]
Agreed with any feelings of pressure delaying things further. Trust me, if you're impatient, he can tell.
Is he getting enough hydration in general? Being dehydrated can delay things, too.
posted by poodoopood at 11:39 PM on November 19, 2010
Is he getting enough hydration in general? Being dehydrated can delay things, too.
posted by poodoopood at 11:39 PM on November 19, 2010
I've got no answers. Feeling performance pressure does make everything harder ... er, softer.
But I do have sympathy, which seems in short supply here. I had boyfriend who had great difficulty in coming. After a certain point, just going on and on and on becomes very dispiriting for the partner who's not trying to get somewhere. And in our case, kind of unpleasant, although you may not have that problem. We didn't have enough other strong stuff between us to learn to live with it, so the relationship ended, but I still remember it with relief that it's over.
Like I said, you have my sympathy. Good luck.
posted by kestralwing at 4:28 AM on November 20, 2010
But I do have sympathy, which seems in short supply here. I had boyfriend who had great difficulty in coming. After a certain point, just going on and on and on becomes very dispiriting for the partner who's not trying to get somewhere. And in our case, kind of unpleasant, although you may not have that problem. We didn't have enough other strong stuff between us to learn to live with it, so the relationship ended, but I still remember it with relief that it's over.
Like I said, you have my sympathy. Good luck.
posted by kestralwing at 4:28 AM on November 20, 2010
Here's a man piping in to tell you he has the same problem.
I'm a gay dude who's not in a relationship and pretty much only gets off through good old fashioned anal sex (and my own hand, after a while). Not being in a relationship, this is not always on the table in my sexual encounters. So I deal with it. There's nothing (NOTHING) worse than a partner who explicitly or implicitly won't be satisfied until I get off. So here's what you've gotta do: drop it, completely.
Enjoy your relationship with this guy. Explore each other sexually. Listen to what he wants in bed (I can't tell you how many times I've been close and given signals and a last minute change wrecks it). But remove all discussion about his coming from the conversation. When he wants to get off and you can't do it, let him take the lead and jerk himself off.
And eventually, things will improve. But no pressure. At all.
posted by awesomebrad at 5:06 AM on November 20, 2010
I'm a gay dude who's not in a relationship and pretty much only gets off through good old fashioned anal sex (and my own hand, after a while). Not being in a relationship, this is not always on the table in my sexual encounters. So I deal with it. There's nothing (NOTHING) worse than a partner who explicitly or implicitly won't be satisfied until I get off. So here's what you've gotta do: drop it, completely.
Enjoy your relationship with this guy. Explore each other sexually. Listen to what he wants in bed (I can't tell you how many times I've been close and given signals and a last minute change wrecks it). But remove all discussion about his coming from the conversation. When he wants to get off and you can't do it, let him take the lead and jerk himself off.
And eventually, things will improve. But no pressure. At all.
posted by awesomebrad at 5:06 AM on November 20, 2010
Okay, why not? So I've never had an orgasm from intercourse. I'm unhappy about it. My partners have been unhappy about it. I thought maybe I just needed more practice with the different sensations. I hadn't tried in many years-- last long-term partner didn't want intercourse so we never did it (long story) followed by several years of singlehood-- but after a couple months of regular sex recently, it didn't happen for me.
I just don't get much sensation from it. I got sort of close once with my most recent partner and she wished I had said something. (It would have been premature to say anything because I wasn't right on the edge, just sort of feeling good.) One thing I enjoyed with her was masturbating together-- even then, she came a couple of times before I did, and sometimes I still didn't finish! Once she started me on a slow countdown from 20 while I masturbated, which was really hot for both of us and actually worked pretty well. So I'm sure some of this is a mental hangup on my part-- I can come relatively quickly by myself if I want to. But even so, most of my orgasms with a partner have been self-induced. My last long-term partner could usually get me off with a combination blowjob/handjob, but it took focused effort.
I know it's a GRAR-inducing topic around here, but I honestly think a big part of my difficulty is due to how I was circumsized. I think it's important to recognize that it does remove nerve endings, and that some circumcisions remove more than others. I've seen a ton of sex advice columns saying that the spot on the underside of the penis, just below the head (the frenulum) is the most sensitive place on a man's body, capable of quickly triggering an orgasm all by itself. Well, for me that spot feels about as good as my elbow-- the sensitive tissue has been removed. The Dan Savage advice about not using a "death grip" to masturbate also upsets me, because even if I got used to light stimulation I think it would take me a *very* long time to come. It's like telling someone with hearing loss to practice really hard at hearing soft noises.
TL;DR
Maybe it's partly a mental thing, but I suggest asking your guy if sensitivity is a problem for him. Does he need a long time to finish when he masturbates? Maybe you could learn what he does to get himself off so you could do that for him if you're in a hurry to help him come. (And I always found it touching to know that my partner cared enough to be disappointed if I didn't come, because they didn't all care!)
posted by Dixon Ticonderoga at 6:26 AM on November 20, 2010
I just don't get much sensation from it. I got sort of close once with my most recent partner and she wished I had said something. (It would have been premature to say anything because I wasn't right on the edge, just sort of feeling good.) One thing I enjoyed with her was masturbating together-- even then, she came a couple of times before I did, and sometimes I still didn't finish! Once she started me on a slow countdown from 20 while I masturbated, which was really hot for both of us and actually worked pretty well. So I'm sure some of this is a mental hangup on my part-- I can come relatively quickly by myself if I want to. But even so, most of my orgasms with a partner have been self-induced. My last long-term partner could usually get me off with a combination blowjob/handjob, but it took focused effort.
I know it's a GRAR-inducing topic around here, but I honestly think a big part of my difficulty is due to how I was circumsized. I think it's important to recognize that it does remove nerve endings, and that some circumcisions remove more than others. I've seen a ton of sex advice columns saying that the spot on the underside of the penis, just below the head (the frenulum) is the most sensitive place on a man's body, capable of quickly triggering an orgasm all by itself. Well, for me that spot feels about as good as my elbow-- the sensitive tissue has been removed. The Dan Savage advice about not using a "death grip" to masturbate also upsets me, because even if I got used to light stimulation I think it would take me a *very* long time to come. It's like telling someone with hearing loss to practice really hard at hearing soft noises.
TL;DR
Maybe it's partly a mental thing, but I suggest asking your guy if sensitivity is a problem for him. Does he need a long time to finish when he masturbates? Maybe you could learn what he does to get himself off so you could do that for him if you're in a hurry to help him come. (And I always found it touching to know that my partner cared enough to be disappointed if I didn't come, because they didn't all care!)
posted by Dixon Ticonderoga at 6:26 AM on November 20, 2010
Your self-esteem is not tied to his orgasm. The condition he has is called ejaculatory impotence. It is usually psychological. If he wants to fix it, he should see a sex therapist.
But realize he is a human being with feelings. You are no less sexy to him because he doesn't come. And you've tied your enjoyment of the sex act to whether he orgasms or not. I've seen no small number of similar questions involving men here, where they think they are bad lovers because the woman isn't getting off by penetrative intercourse. Worse, some blame the woman.
The more pressure you put on him to ejaculate, the less likely he will do it.
Memail me if you have more questions
posted by Ironmouth at 9:11 AM on November 20, 2010
But realize he is a human being with feelings. You are no less sexy to him because he doesn't come. And you've tied your enjoyment of the sex act to whether he orgasms or not. I've seen no small number of similar questions involving men here, where they think they are bad lovers because the woman isn't getting off by penetrative intercourse. Worse, some blame the woman.
The more pressure you put on him to ejaculate, the less likely he will do it.
Memail me if you have more questions
posted by Ironmouth at 9:11 AM on November 20, 2010
There's a bizarre notion in society that, while women's bodies run the sexual gamut from non-orgasmic to super orgasmic, men are all the same: a little stroking and we "blow a load in under ten minutes." This just isn't true.
Some guys get off in seconds, some in an hour. Some require a little work to get going, some walk around with a constant boner. Yeah, on average, 16-year-old males are pretty similar to each other. But as we age and gain experience, the brain plays a more and more important role in our sexual satisfaction (and that's before physiological differences are even taken into consideration).
Cut your man a little slack -- some women would kill for guy who isn't into quickies.
And while I'm here, let me say this: Just because I came doesn't mean that you did anything right, or even that I had a good time. And just because I didn't come doesn't mean you did anything wrong, or that it wasn't fantastic.
posted by coolguymichael at 1:42 PM on November 20, 2010 [5 favorites]
Some guys get off in seconds, some in an hour. Some require a little work to get going, some walk around with a constant boner. Yeah, on average, 16-year-old males are pretty similar to each other. But as we age and gain experience, the brain plays a more and more important role in our sexual satisfaction (and that's before physiological differences are even taken into consideration).
Cut your man a little slack -- some women would kill for guy who isn't into quickies.
And while I'm here, let me say this: Just because I came doesn't mean that you did anything right, or even that I had a good time. And just because I didn't come doesn't mean you did anything wrong, or that it wasn't fantastic.
posted by coolguymichael at 1:42 PM on November 20, 2010 [5 favorites]
Suppose there is a secret handshake (a fetish, a mind game) that he's too shy to tell you early on? Might be the case. If so, I doubt pressure would help. Curiosity without impatience is probably the right tone to strike.
posted by salvia at 12:03 PM on November 21, 2010
posted by salvia at 12:03 PM on November 21, 2010
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