severe new relationship anxiety & impotence (maybe NSFW)
October 27, 2010 12:38 PM Subscribe
New relationship filter. (mid-30s male here)
My first actual foray into online dating seems to be doomed to failure. I'm always awkward at this sort of thing, but this seems to be a new level for me. Basically, I just can't seem to relax around the new woman, and this means that I'm unable to get an erection. She's mostly been accepting of this (and there's plenty of other sorts of funtimes to be had in the bedroom). However, it seems clear to me that she really wants to have sex soonish, and this seems like the worst possible time to deal with issues from past relationships and the fallout thereof.
Does this seem like it can be worked through in a timely fashion, or should I just cut things off early and deal with things on my own?
I've had depression and self-esteem issues since high school, but have been able to deal with it. I'm definitely new to this sort of anxiety. I don't really have experience with "dating" -- I've kissed/slept with only a handful of women, all of which went on to be long-term relationships. There's always an element of nervousness about unknown territory, but never to this level.
I've been single for over a year now, and basically felt abandoned for the last several years of my previous 6 year relationship. I had some impotence problems then as well, but attributed them to depression/deep seated issues with the relationship. My libido completely dropped to zero for about 6 months during that relationship, but it's been fairly consistent for the last several years. Masturbation works just fine, so I'm pretty sure the problem's not physical in nature. (I read Dan Savage, and try to avoid the "death grip" and becoming porn-dependent, and am taking a break from masturbation at the moment to see if that helps).
I've always been very reluctant to initiate physical contact with new people -- she emailed me after an early date that she felt very rejected after an evening of me being too timid to do anything. This made me feel horrible (mostly because I really wanted to hold her hand/kiss her/etc). She took the initiative the next night and it's been fine/comfortable since then.
However, when things go past making out, things completely change. I can't relax properly, and while sexual things feel good, they don't lead to an erection. I'm more than happy to ensure she has a good time (and she does), but it's definitely affecting her that she can't do anything for me.
Even just thinking or writing about recreates the symptoms: my extremities get this tingling feeling in them, my pulse my extremities get this tingling feeling in them, my pulse shoots up over 100, my hands get sweaty, and my stomach is tied in a knot, often for hours at a time. It doesn't seem as extreme as what I've read about panic attacks, but it's very different than my usual depression or even simple nervousness or overthinking. This feeling is completely new to me -- nothing has affected me like this before. I mean, I knew I had issues, but
She thinks (and I concur) I have depression/physical contact issues, and should probably be going to therapy for them. However, this seems like the worst time to try to deal with them on top of the usual new relationship things. In fact, I'm not sure I should be dating at all until I'm in therapy/medicated/whatever needs to happen. I'm hoping things will just go away as I spend more time and get more comfortable around her, but the newness and intensity of the symptoms make me think that's unlikely.
Options as I see them:
* Keep going as we have been and hope things get better.
* Start therapy. Who knows how long that will take?
* Break up, and deal with these issues on my own
* Viagra? Would that get past the anxiety and maybe once it happened in an assisted fashion, it would become less stressful?
I'm really leaning towards just breaking up since I don't feel it's fair to her to have to deal with my issues during what should be a blissful honeymoon period.
Throwaway account: justfreakingout@gmail.com
I've had depression and self-esteem issues since high school, but have been able to deal with it. I'm definitely new to this sort of anxiety. I don't really have experience with "dating" -- I've kissed/slept with only a handful of women, all of which went on to be long-term relationships. There's always an element of nervousness about unknown territory, but never to this level.
I've been single for over a year now, and basically felt abandoned for the last several years of my previous 6 year relationship. I had some impotence problems then as well, but attributed them to depression/deep seated issues with the relationship. My libido completely dropped to zero for about 6 months during that relationship, but it's been fairly consistent for the last several years. Masturbation works just fine, so I'm pretty sure the problem's not physical in nature. (I read Dan Savage, and try to avoid the "death grip" and becoming porn-dependent, and am taking a break from masturbation at the moment to see if that helps).
I've always been very reluctant to initiate physical contact with new people -- she emailed me after an early date that she felt very rejected after an evening of me being too timid to do anything. This made me feel horrible (mostly because I really wanted to hold her hand/kiss her/etc). She took the initiative the next night and it's been fine/comfortable since then.
However, when things go past making out, things completely change. I can't relax properly, and while sexual things feel good, they don't lead to an erection. I'm more than happy to ensure she has a good time (and she does), but it's definitely affecting her that she can't do anything for me.
Even just thinking or writing about recreates the symptoms: my extremities get this tingling feeling in them, my pulse my extremities get this tingling feeling in them, my pulse shoots up over 100, my hands get sweaty, and my stomach is tied in a knot, often for hours at a time. It doesn't seem as extreme as what I've read about panic attacks, but it's very different than my usual depression or even simple nervousness or overthinking. This feeling is completely new to me -- nothing has affected me like this before. I mean, I knew I had issues, but
She thinks (and I concur) I have depression/physical contact issues, and should probably be going to therapy for them. However, this seems like the worst time to try to deal with them on top of the usual new relationship things. In fact, I'm not sure I should be dating at all until I'm in therapy/medicated/whatever needs to happen. I'm hoping things will just go away as I spend more time and get more comfortable around her, but the newness and intensity of the symptoms make me think that's unlikely.
Options as I see them:
* Keep going as we have been and hope things get better.
* Start therapy. Who knows how long that will take?
* Break up, and deal with these issues on my own
* Viagra? Would that get past the anxiety and maybe once it happened in an assisted fashion, it would become less stressful?
I'm really leaning towards just breaking up since I don't feel it's fair to her to have to deal with my issues during what should be a blissful honeymoon period.
Throwaway account: justfreakingout@gmail.com
Are you on any meds that can affect libido or increase anxiety? If not, seconding something mild (and not sedating) to get you through what seems like situational anxiety and to a point where you can prove to yourself that this is still something that you can do. Do it several times, and you should be almost there.
Therapy is often good too.
posted by Ahab at 12:53 PM on October 27, 2010
Therapy is often good too.
posted by Ahab at 12:53 PM on October 27, 2010
Doh. "do it several times, with a supportive partner, and you should be almost there"
posted by Ahab at 12:54 PM on October 27, 2010
posted by Ahab at 12:54 PM on October 27, 2010
I don't know anything about Viagra (I am a woman) but I have been told by male friends who use it (and they are young men with situations similar to yours) that just having the drug available is enough to alleviate the performance anxiety. I'm not saying this is the answer for you, but just that you shouldn't discount it for short term help. I don't think you should scrap a good relationship for this. You are not a slave to your genitals.
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 12:56 PM on October 27, 2010
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 12:56 PM on October 27, 2010
Have a couple beers (two, maybe three if you're a bigger guy, just enough to be a little giddy) before trying, and don't masturbate at all - not even once - until the next time you try to have sex with her. If it doesn't work then, hold off til next time. Your body will overpower your neuroses sooner or later. Once you've done it once it will get easier.
You were in a long-term fucked-up relationship as of only a year ago. Does she know that? Just explain to her - your whole kind of sexual response is still working on getting back to normal. If she's cool, she'll understand.
It'll be fine. Good luck.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 12:57 PM on October 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
You were in a long-term fucked-up relationship as of only a year ago. Does she know that? Just explain to her - your whole kind of sexual response is still working on getting back to normal. If she's cool, she'll understand.
It'll be fine. Good luck.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 12:57 PM on October 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
You could try just going to your GP for starters. They might be able to prescribe you a few pills of Viagra or an anti-anxiety med to see if it helps. Don't approach it as a drug-seeking exercise, but if they give Xanax to people for dentist appointments or flights, why not sex? It's possible that a medically aided sex success or two might help you get over the anxiety to the point that you can go forward without them, or you might need to start therapy and/or see a psychiatrist about this problem. For the very short term though, a GP might be your best bet.
posted by MadamM at 1:02 PM on October 27, 2010
posted by MadamM at 1:02 PM on October 27, 2010
I'm really leaning towards just breaking up since I don't feel it's fair to her to have to deal with my issues
Is that how she would see it? If you do that, maybe we'll see a question on AskMe saying, "My boyfriend had trouble getting an erection, blamed me, and dumped me. I feel so awful -- what did I do wrong?"
posted by JanetLand at 1:06 PM on October 27, 2010 [9 favorites]
Is that how she would see it? If you do that, maybe we'll see a question on AskMe saying, "My boyfriend had trouble getting an erection, blamed me, and dumped me. I feel so awful -- what did I do wrong?"
posted by JanetLand at 1:06 PM on October 27, 2010 [9 favorites]
Something else. After you've explained the situation to her, and talked it over, try to let her take the lead in setting up a situation that she thinks might maximize your relaxation. Don't deny yourself any input, or that might just increase your fear. But she is understanding, you've got an opportunity to increase that understanding, and if you've worked together, she's probably capable of acting upon her understanding to set up a seduction routine that very gently leads you to where you need to be.
posted by Ahab at 1:12 PM on October 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Ahab at 1:12 PM on October 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
Hey, I had this after I left my ex, who wanted nothing to do with me for two or three years before we split up (long story). Performance anxiety followed me around for a year or two. A beer or two helped. So did being totally honest with new partners about what was going on and that I wasn't always ready to bone-up every time we got funky.
Cool partners are really helpful in making the essential relaxation happen. And if your current partner is understanding and willing to work with you on this, then I think you already know she's a pretty good friend. I do think that seeing a GP will help; if you get a few sildenafil samples you can try them and see if it helps, and even start cutting them in half or quarters just to get you started.
But ultimately the best cure for this is time, relaxation and confidence. And if your partner is ready to stand by you on this, I think you'll be over it before too long. (Though it may come back a time or two.)
Oh, also: lots of masturbation can help, especially as you explore the sensations you have at the begin of arousal rather than the happy ending.
posted by seanmpuckett at 1:15 PM on October 27, 2010
Cool partners are really helpful in making the essential relaxation happen. And if your current partner is understanding and willing to work with you on this, then I think you already know she's a pretty good friend. I do think that seeing a GP will help; if you get a few sildenafil samples you can try them and see if it helps, and even start cutting them in half or quarters just to get you started.
But ultimately the best cure for this is time, relaxation and confidence. And if your partner is ready to stand by you on this, I think you'll be over it before too long. (Though it may come back a time or two.)
Oh, also: lots of masturbation can help, especially as you explore the sensations you have at the begin of arousal rather than the happy ending.
posted by seanmpuckett at 1:15 PM on October 27, 2010
Yeah, re: lots of masturbation -- clearly hold off on this a few days before a planned date so you have a little anticipation.
posted by seanmpuckett at 1:16 PM on October 27, 2010
posted by seanmpuckett at 1:16 PM on October 27, 2010
"Sex" is not only penis-in-vagina intercourse--maybe getting her off will get you more in the mood to get it on yourself.
That said, my brother did do the "try Viagra to get over the humping hump" when he was having post-divorce anxiety. Obviously, I would recommend getting it from a doc, who could rule out any possible contraindications for your using it.
posted by Sidhedevil at 1:16 PM on October 27, 2010 [2 favorites]
That said, my brother did do the "try Viagra to get over the humping hump" when he was having post-divorce anxiety. Obviously, I would recommend getting it from a doc, who could rule out any possible contraindications for your using it.
posted by Sidhedevil at 1:16 PM on October 27, 2010 [2 favorites]
I don't at all mean to seem like I'm not taking your problem seriously because I understand how serious they are.
But something to consider is that you're in your mid-30s (which you'll notice by my profile is my age) -- and though I can get an erection, I will non-anonymously admit that they don't happen as easily/often as they did, even just a few years ago. I haven't had a "problem" per se -- but I can tell a definite difference from my teens/twenties -- and if I don't have a problem, it's probably because I don't masturbate or have sex as often as I used to do it because my infamously high sex drive is less like the kid in a candy store I've been since I learned what it was all about.
So if you're still masturbating at pre-mid-30s level, your problem could be, at least partially, physical.
(I don't want anyone to think I think that mid-30s is a time for a funeral march for a male libido -- just that if one has had a 15 year old guy's sex drive for nearly 20 years, once it starts balancing out it can make you feel a little... off.)
Adding over-thinking it -- as one would obviously do if you're not sure where this problem is coming from or have a valid psychological reason - is only going to make it worse.
Again, not saying this applies to you too, it's just something to think about.
Also, Viagra/Cialis - for its physiological or placebo effect -- probably couldn't hurt.
Best of luck.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 1:20 PM on October 27, 2010
But something to consider is that you're in your mid-30s (which you'll notice by my profile is my age) -- and though I can get an erection, I will non-anonymously admit that they don't happen as easily/often as they did, even just a few years ago. I haven't had a "problem" per se -- but I can tell a definite difference from my teens/twenties -- and if I don't have a problem, it's probably because I don't masturbate or have sex as often as I used to do it because my infamously high sex drive is less like the kid in a candy store I've been since I learned what it was all about.
So if you're still masturbating at pre-mid-30s level, your problem could be, at least partially, physical.
(I don't want anyone to think I think that mid-30s is a time for a funeral march for a male libido -- just that if one has had a 15 year old guy's sex drive for nearly 20 years, once it starts balancing out it can make you feel a little... off.)
Adding over-thinking it -- as one would obviously do if you're not sure where this problem is coming from or have a valid psychological reason - is only going to make it worse.
Again, not saying this applies to you too, it's just something to think about.
Also, Viagra/Cialis - for its physiological or placebo effect -- probably couldn't hurt.
Best of luck.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 1:20 PM on October 27, 2010
I don't have any solutions to add to the advice already given, but I just wanted to let you know that your problem is actually pretty typical -- in my experience about 10-20% of men seem to have problems getting and staying erect the first couple of times with a new partner. If she's freaked out about it, she's probably either relatively inexperienced or just lucky.
posted by Jacqueline at 1:53 PM on October 27, 2010
posted by Jacqueline at 1:53 PM on October 27, 2010
I don't know if this would work for you, but my doctor prescribed me beta blockers for the twice-yearly times I have to speak in front of an audience, and they work like magic. No mental ill effects, no apparent side effects, just a blocking of the physical symptoms, which are very much like the physiological effects you describe. Those physical symptoms going away also seems to make my mental anxiety go away.
Chiming on talking to your partner and relaxing, which is probably the healthiest and most long-lasting solution, but this is just another suggestion I hadn't seen mentioned.
posted by stellaluna at 2:00 PM on October 27, 2010
Chiming on talking to your partner and relaxing, which is probably the healthiest and most long-lasting solution, but this is just another suggestion I hadn't seen mentioned.
posted by stellaluna at 2:00 PM on October 27, 2010
If you take the leap to talk to this woman and then work this through together.... WOW... Imagine what a relationship builder this could turn out to be!
Nthing that it is totally normal to have performance issues after a bad relationship finally ends. I know you probably think a year is more than enough time to process and move on, but you are finding out now that's just not true.
Talk to your new partner.
Good Luck!
posted by jbenben at 2:17 PM on October 27, 2010
Nthing that it is totally normal to have performance issues after a bad relationship finally ends. I know you probably think a year is more than enough time to process and move on, but you are finding out now that's just not true.
Talk to your new partner.
Good Luck!
posted by jbenben at 2:17 PM on October 27, 2010
My current SO had this problem when we first started dating. I liked him a lot and wanted to have sex with him, but he was unable to for the same reasons you are (he could have written the same exact question two years ago). He went into therapy, and we kept dating and being intimate in other ways. I was perfectly happy being patient because he was so fantastic and I had faith that we would eventually work out a way to have successful sex. It didn't really bother me much at all beyond the fact that I knew it bothered him. Anyway, everything worked out after several months and we now have a terrific sex life. I'm telling you this personal story to let you know that you don't have to make a decision about breaking up for your new girlfriend. She's the only one who should make that decision, and her willingness to work with you as a partner may surprise you. I would've been crushed if my SO had decided to break up with me in order to "protect me." As jbenben said, this could be the foundation of a very strong, very trusting relationship. Give this woman the chance to make up her own mind.
posted by pineappleheart at 4:16 PM on October 27, 2010 [10 favorites]
posted by pineappleheart at 4:16 PM on October 27, 2010 [10 favorites]
Thinking of this woman as a new relationship is putting too much pressure on both of you. Get yourself into therapy and do your best to enjoy your time together. You're supposed to be enjoying your human body, not performing a charitable service. There's a good chance that one of these nights you'll have a breakthrough.
Maybe you should be looking at more porn.
posted by bonobothegreat at 4:52 PM on October 27, 2010
Maybe you should be looking at more porn.
posted by bonobothegreat at 4:52 PM on October 27, 2010
This is TMI, but I can personally testify -- as someone who underwent just about exactly the same situation -- that one Viagra pill, one time, solved the whole problem forever.
posted by Mr. Justice at 5:13 PM on October 27, 2010
posted by Mr. Justice at 5:13 PM on October 27, 2010
I thought I was going to be the only one to tell you to pop a Viagra, but evidently everyone else knows how great it is at solving this exact problem, too!
posted by keep_evolving at 5:24 PM on October 27, 2010
posted by keep_evolving at 5:24 PM on October 27, 2010
given your age, if you offhandedly mention to a doc that you're a little stressed and it's impacting your performance, he'll toss you a sample pack with the advice that it's often a mental thing and being able to acheive a couple of times tends to alleviate the problem.
posted by radiosilents at 6:31 PM on October 27, 2010
posted by radiosilents at 6:31 PM on October 27, 2010
You read the wrong Dan Savage columns. The caution about the death grip is for people who can't come during regular intercourse. That's not your problem. In your case, he normally has two suggestions, and I think both are worth trying.
1 - lower inhibitions. Some people above suggested this, so I'm just reiterating here. Have a couple of drinks, take a prescription drug, take a, um, non-prescription drug, do whatever you might do if you had to relax in another circumstance. This may work and get you past this initial barrier. If so, great! If not, go to...
2 - take vaginal intercourse off the table for a while. This is different from what you've been doing, as far as I can tell. What you've been doing is fooling around in other ways, but with the idea that it might, and is supposed to, lead to penetrative intercourse looming over both of you. Instead, if she's up for it, just agree that for a period of time you just aren't even going to try to get an erection. This may allow you to get comfortable with her in a low-pressure situation.
While you're doing those, therapy couldn't hurt. Good luck!
posted by Ragged Richard at 6:33 PM on October 27, 2010 [4 favorites]
1 - lower inhibitions. Some people above suggested this, so I'm just reiterating here. Have a couple of drinks, take a prescription drug, take a, um, non-prescription drug, do whatever you might do if you had to relax in another circumstance. This may work and get you past this initial barrier. If so, great! If not, go to...
2 - take vaginal intercourse off the table for a while. This is different from what you've been doing, as far as I can tell. What you've been doing is fooling around in other ways, but with the idea that it might, and is supposed to, lead to penetrative intercourse looming over both of you. Instead, if she's up for it, just agree that for a period of time you just aren't even going to try to get an erection. This may allow you to get comfortable with her in a low-pressure situation.
While you're doing those, therapy couldn't hurt. Good luck!
posted by Ragged Richard at 6:33 PM on October 27, 2010 [4 favorites]
Weed, Viagra and oral.
posted by CautionToTheWind at 1:52 AM on October 28, 2010
posted by CautionToTheWind at 1:52 AM on October 28, 2010
Just another person chiming in to say that this is by no means unusual, especially when it's the first sexual contact after a break and/or a painful break-up. What you need to get around is the vicious circle aspect of the thing: you fail to get it up, you feel bad, you worry it's going to happen next time, so of course it does, you feel bad, you worry it's going to happen next time, so of course it does... that's the killer.
Don't give up on the relationship. You'll still have to deal with this the next time, probably. Communicate. Explain the issue at an appropriate time during relaxed conversation (not during sex). Laying off the wanking can't hurt but in my experience that really isn't the underlying problem. You yourself suggest that lack of libido isn't the issue. The underlying problem is anxiety, and as I mentioned, it tends to be a self-feeding anxiety, this sort of thing. That's what has to be brought down, and that's done by honest, open communication with your partner, understanding from your partner and changing the way you approach sex. Don't go into it like every occasion is another attempt, another battle with your recalcitrant dick, another shot at getting it right, please God, let it be this time. Rather, go into it with no expectations beyond some enjoyable lovemaking. Go with the flow of your (and her) feelings and if it comes, it comes. If it doesn't, it doesn't. But with this sort of approach I predict that sooner or later, it will. And with this type of anxiety/new partner "impotence" you'll generally find that once it happens, it sticks.
posted by Decani at 5:40 AM on October 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
Don't give up on the relationship. You'll still have to deal with this the next time, probably. Communicate. Explain the issue at an appropriate time during relaxed conversation (not during sex). Laying off the wanking can't hurt but in my experience that really isn't the underlying problem. You yourself suggest that lack of libido isn't the issue. The underlying problem is anxiety, and as I mentioned, it tends to be a self-feeding anxiety, this sort of thing. That's what has to be brought down, and that's done by honest, open communication with your partner, understanding from your partner and changing the way you approach sex. Don't go into it like every occasion is another attempt, another battle with your recalcitrant dick, another shot at getting it right, please God, let it be this time. Rather, go into it with no expectations beyond some enjoyable lovemaking. Go with the flow of your (and her) feelings and if it comes, it comes. If it doesn't, it doesn't. But with this sort of approach I predict that sooner or later, it will. And with this type of anxiety/new partner "impotence" you'll generally find that once it happens, it sticks.
posted by Decani at 5:40 AM on October 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
It's easier to work on relationship stuff while you're in a relationship. She's an adult--she knows you enough by now to understand the game. I say stay with her (as long as both of you are feeling it, obviously), be the best person you can be/be gentle with yourself and push your limits, and seek outside help, too.
posted by zeek321 at 5:45 AM on October 28, 2010
posted by zeek321 at 5:45 AM on October 28, 2010
It's easier to work on relationship stuff while you're in a relationship.
Well, maybe not easier, but definitely faster. You've got a life to live. Live it.
posted by zeek321 at 5:46 AM on October 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
Well, maybe not easier, but definitely faster. You've got a life to live. Live it.
posted by zeek321 at 5:46 AM on October 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
Hmmm I think you may have more options than the ones you have listed in your post.
* Keep going as we have been and hope things get better.
* Start therapy. Who knows how long that will take?
* Break up, and deal with these issues on my own
* Viagra? Would that get past the anxiety and maybe once it happened in an assisted fashion, it would become less stressful?
Before I suggest some other alternatives to help ease with this situation, I would like to encourage in taking actions that don't turn to some of your options that are very much a quick fix approach.
(Just letting you know the options are out of order)
Vigra
If you try viagra, it might work out in the beginning for you but the fundamental problem of being anxious around physical intimacy after certain degree might not be addressed. Also you might become dependent on the additional substance and you might not get the physical response unless you take viagra.
Break up
Also the break up can initially save you from anxiety altogether by eliminating yourself from the situation entirely, but I think you might be facing similar situation eventually when you decide to start dating again. Maybe you can choose this option as a way to single yourself out and face your problems. However it seems like your issue is centered around relationship, romantic in particular, and will not really be addressed without the other person involved. Sure you can combine this method with therapy but will it really help address your anxiety situation when you don't have a fundamental part of the problem to be absent? Also it sounded more like you felt bad for not meeting up to this performance level, but I would like to ask exactly whose expectation it is to have to fulfill a desired level. Is it mostly your own expectation of how you should be performing or has your girlfriend been imposing how that looks like? If you communicated with her enough to let her know about your anxiety and she likes you enough, then she should be understanding of the lack of action. If she still demands a certain outcome and set of actions, THEN maybe you can consider finding a different person that may be more understanding of your situation.
I understand this option might be the most easiest - just to avoid it altogether, but if you were able to overcome previous social challenges, then I have faith that you'll be able to do the same with romantic and sexual challenges.
Keep going and hope things get better
This doesn't have an apparent quick fix approach either but the way you phrased it might lead to rather limited outcome. Just keep it going and hope things get better implies for a passive approach rather than your two active approach and you won't be changing anything drastic in the relationship. Although you don't need drastic changes to make a difference, no change at all also will result in the same outcome that you had all along. I'm sure it might improve a little bit as there is a saying that it comes with practice etc. Point is you need to change your variable for a different result and it can be subtle and gradual to address your anxiety. I think from here you can either start taking away or adding things to see if makes progress regardless it is big or small. I'll tell you more other things you can do on top of continuing the relationship. (Although I didn't mention it earlier, your well being is important and if you REALLY feel nervous, then I guess it is okay to take care of yourself and displace from the situation. This might not solve your problem in long run, but at least it will relieve you from immediate stress.)
Therapy
I think this is option to look in conjunction with your two previous options. You can either start therapy after you break up, or start therapy while you're still continuing your relationship. You always have the choice not to do it but from what you're describing, I think this might be a strong candidate for you. What I'm almost sensing is also fear of rejection along with the fear of unknown. Also there's a little bit of perfectionism going on as you have this set idea of what it means to be in a relationship. Sometimes it's okay to be in a romantic relationship without the sexual contact if you're connected intimately in other ways. Well I think this really depends on people's perspective and it's up to your judgment on what relationships should look like. I'm not trying to persuade you to see one as better, but just merely offering some alternative ways of looking at it. I'm not trained therapist but had some background in psychology so hope that helps. Oh and if you are seeking therapist, don't be discouraged if you felt like it's not helping. Sometimes the effect of therapy can greatly depend on the type of therapist you meet of type of the therapy itself. I know some people had to try few therapies and therapist first before finding something that really works for them.
One thing that I'm sensing is that you're psyching your self out! I know it gets really tough when you're stepping into new boundaries and I'm not immune from that either! I did have some anxiety when meeting new people and had to go through this whole awkward stage before being truly comfortable and still be authentic. I might have mentioned this earlier, but if you were able to overcome social interaction anxieties then I'm sure you can do the same for romantic ones.
Quite contrary to what I mentioned about the break up option, I remembered you mentioning about self-esteem factors as well. Just maybe, after you were able to get comfortable to some degree with intimate physical interaction, it's a good idea to be single! Throwing almost everything I said earlier, you said you came out from a 6 year relationship before dating again right? Maybe you need some time to be comfortable in your own skin again before being comfortable with others. I know this is not quite the issue but it does help with the self-esteem. I know I personally challenged in this area as well and developing higher self-esteem without depending on a partner helped to be self-sustaining as well :) I know when majority of my self worth was weighed by others, it fluctuated so much depending on the type of responses that I get that I wasn't really in a good place. Once I grounded myself independently, I was much happier and being in relationship added onto my happiness. The relationship was NOT my sole source and it took awhile for me to gain that independence.
Okay this has gotten way too long so I'll include some other alternatives briefly.
- yoga, meditating, and breathing exercises: this might help to calm down and relax
- exercise: although it might look irrelevant, sometimes just getting your mind off and helping you getting used to your own body responses and reaction can be really helpful. Also your body produces endorphins which helps you feel good about yourself that can help with the self esteem (plus you get the added bonus of being more healthy and even getting in shape!)
- try new things: you mentioned that you get anxious when trying new things so why not try more things? I know this seems about counter-intuitive but I think once you get used to trying to new things, then you get more used to the feeling and know what to expect beforehand. I'm sure there are things that looked fun but you were afraid to try because they're new and those might be the great ones to start off with.
- set the mood up: when things are getting heated up set the environment that will help you get less nervous. For example, maybe set the candle and incense around the room and take a nice long bath (maybe together if you're comfortable enough). Try places that are familiar to you like your bed opposed to your girlfriend's house. If you surround yourself with more familiar things, the less anxious you might feel with the novelty of other things.
- forget about your goal: your goal is to be sexually active fully right? Well maybe try to not do that at all! Pressure can really suppress your otherwise natural bodily reaction and letting go mentally can actually liberate and free up your body to react more.
Sorry the tone of this was more on a lecture side (and SUPER long) but I hope this helps with the whole anxiety thing!
posted by Kimchee.Noodles. at 8:33 AM on December 13, 2010
* Keep going as we have been and hope things get better.
* Start therapy. Who knows how long that will take?
* Break up, and deal with these issues on my own
* Viagra? Would that get past the anxiety and maybe once it happened in an assisted fashion, it would become less stressful?
Before I suggest some other alternatives to help ease with this situation, I would like to encourage in taking actions that don't turn to some of your options that are very much a quick fix approach.
(Just letting you know the options are out of order)
Vigra
If you try viagra, it might work out in the beginning for you but the fundamental problem of being anxious around physical intimacy after certain degree might not be addressed. Also you might become dependent on the additional substance and you might not get the physical response unless you take viagra.
Break up
Also the break up can initially save you from anxiety altogether by eliminating yourself from the situation entirely, but I think you might be facing similar situation eventually when you decide to start dating again. Maybe you can choose this option as a way to single yourself out and face your problems. However it seems like your issue is centered around relationship, romantic in particular, and will not really be addressed without the other person involved. Sure you can combine this method with therapy but will it really help address your anxiety situation when you don't have a fundamental part of the problem to be absent? Also it sounded more like you felt bad for not meeting up to this performance level, but I would like to ask exactly whose expectation it is to have to fulfill a desired level. Is it mostly your own expectation of how you should be performing or has your girlfriend been imposing how that looks like? If you communicated with her enough to let her know about your anxiety and she likes you enough, then she should be understanding of the lack of action. If she still demands a certain outcome and set of actions, THEN maybe you can consider finding a different person that may be more understanding of your situation.
I understand this option might be the most easiest - just to avoid it altogether, but if you were able to overcome previous social challenges, then I have faith that you'll be able to do the same with romantic and sexual challenges.
Keep going and hope things get better
This doesn't have an apparent quick fix approach either but the way you phrased it might lead to rather limited outcome. Just keep it going and hope things get better implies for a passive approach rather than your two active approach and you won't be changing anything drastic in the relationship. Although you don't need drastic changes to make a difference, no change at all also will result in the same outcome that you had all along. I'm sure it might improve a little bit as there is a saying that it comes with practice etc. Point is you need to change your variable for a different result and it can be subtle and gradual to address your anxiety. I think from here you can either start taking away or adding things to see if makes progress regardless it is big or small. I'll tell you more other things you can do on top of continuing the relationship. (Although I didn't mention it earlier, your well being is important and if you REALLY feel nervous, then I guess it is okay to take care of yourself and displace from the situation. This might not solve your problem in long run, but at least it will relieve you from immediate stress.)
Therapy
I think this is option to look in conjunction with your two previous options. You can either start therapy after you break up, or start therapy while you're still continuing your relationship. You always have the choice not to do it but from what you're describing, I think this might be a strong candidate for you. What I'm almost sensing is also fear of rejection along with the fear of unknown. Also there's a little bit of perfectionism going on as you have this set idea of what it means to be in a relationship. Sometimes it's okay to be in a romantic relationship without the sexual contact if you're connected intimately in other ways. Well I think this really depends on people's perspective and it's up to your judgment on what relationships should look like. I'm not trying to persuade you to see one as better, but just merely offering some alternative ways of looking at it. I'm not trained therapist but had some background in psychology so hope that helps. Oh and if you are seeking therapist, don't be discouraged if you felt like it's not helping. Sometimes the effect of therapy can greatly depend on the type of therapist you meet of type of the therapy itself. I know some people had to try few therapies and therapist first before finding something that really works for them.
One thing that I'm sensing is that you're psyching your self out! I know it gets really tough when you're stepping into new boundaries and I'm not immune from that either! I did have some anxiety when meeting new people and had to go through this whole awkward stage before being truly comfortable and still be authentic. I might have mentioned this earlier, but if you were able to overcome social interaction anxieties then I'm sure you can do the same for romantic ones.
Quite contrary to what I mentioned about the break up option, I remembered you mentioning about self-esteem factors as well. Just maybe, after you were able to get comfortable to some degree with intimate physical interaction, it's a good idea to be single! Throwing almost everything I said earlier, you said you came out from a 6 year relationship before dating again right? Maybe you need some time to be comfortable in your own skin again before being comfortable with others. I know this is not quite the issue but it does help with the self-esteem. I know I personally challenged in this area as well and developing higher self-esteem without depending on a partner helped to be self-sustaining as well :) I know when majority of my self worth was weighed by others, it fluctuated so much depending on the type of responses that I get that I wasn't really in a good place. Once I grounded myself independently, I was much happier and being in relationship added onto my happiness. The relationship was NOT my sole source and it took awhile for me to gain that independence.
Okay this has gotten way too long so I'll include some other alternatives briefly.
- yoga, meditating, and breathing exercises: this might help to calm down and relax
- exercise: although it might look irrelevant, sometimes just getting your mind off and helping you getting used to your own body responses and reaction can be really helpful. Also your body produces endorphins which helps you feel good about yourself that can help with the self esteem (plus you get the added bonus of being more healthy and even getting in shape!)
- try new things: you mentioned that you get anxious when trying new things so why not try more things? I know this seems about counter-intuitive but I think once you get used to trying to new things, then you get more used to the feeling and know what to expect beforehand. I'm sure there are things that looked fun but you were afraid to try because they're new and those might be the great ones to start off with.
- set the mood up: when things are getting heated up set the environment that will help you get less nervous. For example, maybe set the candle and incense around the room and take a nice long bath (maybe together if you're comfortable enough). Try places that are familiar to you like your bed opposed to your girlfriend's house. If you surround yourself with more familiar things, the less anxious you might feel with the novelty of other things.
- forget about your goal: your goal is to be sexually active fully right? Well maybe try to not do that at all! Pressure can really suppress your otherwise natural bodily reaction and letting go mentally can actually liberate and free up your body to react more.
Sorry the tone of this was more on a lecture side (and SUPER long) but I hope this helps with the whole anxiety thing!
posted by Kimchee.Noodles. at 8:33 AM on December 13, 2010
Oh and I apologize for the grammar as I forgot to proofread :P Hope you still get the message though :)
posted by Kimchee.Noodles. at 8:35 AM on December 13, 2010
posted by Kimchee.Noodles. at 8:35 AM on December 13, 2010
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I get panic attacks. I've gotten panic attacks on a first date. Repeatedly. It wasn't pretty, but there's a definite, immediate relief in getting over (or getting to?) the hump when it comes to physical contact in general, for me.
I find alcohol helps. In moderation. But I'm not a guy, and haven't explored therapy / prescription anxiety options. I probably should (and maybe you should too). At the same time, you also sound like you might be stuck in a bit of a feedback loop that you can get past in the short term just fine.
posted by deludingmyself at 12:48 PM on October 27, 2010 [1 favorite]