Can't we just get along?
October 20, 2010 1:15 PM Subscribe
I've had more than a few relationships in life turn adversarial/ oppositional. Now it's happening at work, where I have been (anonymously) accused of acting hostile. How do I work better with people?
I have struggled with depression all my life, and take meds. Irritability is a sign of depression. I try to recognize it and not be irritable, but may not always know.
I try not to be a bitch. I envy people who can stand up for themselves and be liked for it; I'm conflict-avoidant, but have learned to speak up. I have some social phobias, reasonably controlled(yay, meds!). I grew up with an alcoholic, probably bipolar Mom, workaholic Dad. My son was diagnosed oppositional/defiant, ADHD, bipolar by a school social worker. I'm divorced, and several people have described my ex-'s behavior as emotionally abusive, though he believes I was a horrible bitch. I'm happier w/ him out of my life, in any case. I have good friends, and mostly good relationships w/ family.
Willing to try therapy again, but I have had therapists behave in ways I find adversarial. And finding a really good therapist seems to be a crapshoot.
Books, techniques, life lessons, etc. Bring it on. thanks.
I have struggled with depression all my life, and take meds. Irritability is a sign of depression. I try to recognize it and not be irritable, but may not always know.
I try not to be a bitch. I envy people who can stand up for themselves and be liked for it; I'm conflict-avoidant, but have learned to speak up. I have some social phobias, reasonably controlled(yay, meds!). I grew up with an alcoholic, probably bipolar Mom, workaholic Dad. My son was diagnosed oppositional/defiant, ADHD, bipolar by a school social worker. I'm divorced, and several people have described my ex-'s behavior as emotionally abusive, though he believes I was a horrible bitch. I'm happier w/ him out of my life, in any case. I have good friends, and mostly good relationships w/ family.
Willing to try therapy again, but I have had therapists behave in ways I find adversarial. And finding a really good therapist seems to be a crapshoot.
Books, techniques, life lessons, etc. Bring it on. thanks.
I think it can help a ton to give people benefit of the doubt, or to generally assume that people are acting with the best intentions. This has two great outcomes: First, you'll focus on the problem and not the person (e.g. "I think there's an issue with how this widget is rendering" instead of "Why do you always render this widget wrong?"). Second, you may have a more positive mindset about your coworkers and workplace, and they will about you too... and as a result, some of the perceived problems you have with them or them with you may fade.
posted by dayintoday at 1:32 PM on October 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by dayintoday at 1:32 PM on October 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
I think this is the kind of thing where I find it particularly hard to be useful as someone who doesn't know you in person (or even your commenting history).
What about approaching people who seem kind or wise, asking them out to coffee saying that you'd like to get their advice, and then explain your desire to better understand what is happening and ask their perspective on this. You could ask if your supervisor has any feedack, and you could ask friends or family members, too.
Finally, there are also programs, such as leadership training programs, that lead you through a process of soliciting feedback from coworkers and others ("360 degree surveys" might be one phrase to watch for). You could seek a class like that.
posted by salvia at 1:32 PM on October 20, 2010
What about approaching people who seem kind or wise, asking them out to coffee saying that you'd like to get their advice, and then explain your desire to better understand what is happening and ask their perspective on this. You could ask if your supervisor has any feedack, and you could ask friends or family members, too.
Finally, there are also programs, such as leadership training programs, that lead you through a process of soliciting feedback from coworkers and others ("360 degree surveys" might be one phrase to watch for). You could seek a class like that.
posted by salvia at 1:32 PM on October 20, 2010
When a pattern comes up over and over in your life, you have to start looking to the one factor all those situations have in common.
(And if your mind goes to "I knew it! They think I'm a horrible bitch! But it's not true! I'm a good person!" -- that response is likely to be a crucial part of this adversarial pattern.)
I'm going to make another pitch for therapy. When this pattern comes up with a therapist, that's a sign of progress, not necessarily failure or a poor fit. The therapeutic relationship is a place where you can observe, discuss, and change the thoughts and behaviors that keep leading you into an adversarial relationship.
posted by ottereroticist at 1:38 PM on October 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
(And if your mind goes to "I knew it! They think I'm a horrible bitch! But it's not true! I'm a good person!" -- that response is likely to be a crucial part of this adversarial pattern.)
I'm going to make another pitch for therapy. When this pattern comes up with a therapist, that's a sign of progress, not necessarily failure or a poor fit. The therapeutic relationship is a place where you can observe, discuss, and change the thoughts and behaviors that keep leading you into an adversarial relationship.
posted by ottereroticist at 1:38 PM on October 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
I don't want to sound simplistic, but getting along with people at work generally boils down to three things:
1) being genuinely friendly
2) being alert to hurt feelings/unhappiness, asking about it, listening, and being willing to work it out.
3) being positively reinforcing . As for that third step, I have found it a huge help to apply Don't Shoot the Dog in all areas of life, myself. Positive reinforcement works with people, too.
posted by bearwife at 1:43 PM on October 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
1) being genuinely friendly
2) being alert to hurt feelings/unhappiness, asking about it, listening, and being willing to work it out.
3) being positively reinforcing . As for that third step, I have found it a huge help to apply Don't Shoot the Dog in all areas of life, myself. Positive reinforcement works with people, too.
posted by bearwife at 1:43 PM on October 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
I agree that it's really hard to be assertive without being perceived as bitchy, especially as a woman in the workplace. But the way you word this is even a little oppositional, with statements like several people have described my ex-'s behavior as emotionally abusive, though he believes I was a horrible bitch. Assertiveness training may help with some of the way you put things. This is just one google result for assertiveness training.
I'd also recommend looking around for another therapist, asking your GP or anyone else you trust for their recommendations. Being able to deal with my anger in more self-aware and healthier ways has been a big benefit of therapy for me.
posted by ldthomps at 1:46 PM on October 20, 2010
I'd also recommend looking around for another therapist, asking your GP or anyone else you trust for their recommendations. Being able to deal with my anger in more self-aware and healthier ways has been a big benefit of therapy for me.
posted by ldthomps at 1:46 PM on October 20, 2010
I have a friend (A FRIEND, I SAID) who comes off as brusque and unfriendly. His emails are direct and without warmth--they're all business. In person, he's to the point--and lacks the turning-on of the charm. And he's tough. This has adverse impacts.
There are a few really simple tactics you could use to start couching things. Warning: it's all kind of tactical. Your ability to be tactical is kind of related to your ability to be cynical.
But you're in a workplace. And workplaces are political.
Start your communications with greetings! And questions! And even some chit-chat! Make a defensive shield of some cheer. Go forth and engage! Be interested in others. I say this because, that way when you have to be tough, people will know it's not because you hate them.
And watch yourself for snideness and sarcasm. People don't always "get" sarcasm.
For many of us, it's not "us" at work. It's a version of us. When I work in an office, I don't need to bring my full self. It's not appropriate for me or for the office.
That being said... if you were hostile and you should have been... well, good! Welcome to the real world, folks! It requires some hostility. Tell them to woman up.
(N.B. This is all gender-analysis free. If we were going to have gender analysis about this, it's going to get 10000% more complicated, so. But this to say: don't rule out the 116 ways women are treated differently regarding conflict, power, the office and the like.)
posted by RJ Reynolds at 2:01 PM on October 20, 2010 [4 favorites]
There are a few really simple tactics you could use to start couching things. Warning: it's all kind of tactical. Your ability to be tactical is kind of related to your ability to be cynical.
But you're in a workplace. And workplaces are political.
Start your communications with greetings! And questions! And even some chit-chat! Make a defensive shield of some cheer. Go forth and engage! Be interested in others. I say this because, that way when you have to be tough, people will know it's not because you hate them.
And watch yourself for snideness and sarcasm. People don't always "get" sarcasm.
For many of us, it's not "us" at work. It's a version of us. When I work in an office, I don't need to bring my full self. It's not appropriate for me or for the office.
That being said... if you were hostile and you should have been... well, good! Welcome to the real world, folks! It requires some hostility. Tell them to woman up.
(N.B. This is all gender-analysis free. If we were going to have gender analysis about this, it's going to get 10000% more complicated, so. But this to say: don't rule out the 116 ways women are treated differently regarding conflict, power, the office and the like.)
posted by RJ Reynolds at 2:01 PM on October 20, 2010 [4 favorites]
I have had therapists behave in ways I find adversarial.
This seems to be something to pay attention to. If you're finding someone else adversarial, odds are they're finding you adversarial. If you can spot that and control it somehow, you have a good chance of changing their perception.
This is what I had to do while working on the phones in tech support, where customers often came in looking for a fight and I HAD to get them working with me or I couldn't fix their problem. Step one: listen, not just to the facts but to the feelings, and acknowledge both. "Man, it is totally frustrating when your computer shuts down unexpectedly, isn't it?" Step two: use language that puts you both on the same team. "Well, we can get this fixed. Let's try some things and try to pin down the problem."
It's a trick, because you don't have to be thinking or feeling these things to say them. But once you say them, you're probably going to start to think in ways that defuse the situation further. It's pretty much the old "fake it til you make it" stunt.
posted by restless_nomad at 2:05 PM on October 20, 2010 [4 favorites]
This seems to be something to pay attention to. If you're finding someone else adversarial, odds are they're finding you adversarial. If you can spot that and control it somehow, you have a good chance of changing their perception.
This is what I had to do while working on the phones in tech support, where customers often came in looking for a fight and I HAD to get them working with me or I couldn't fix their problem. Step one: listen, not just to the facts but to the feelings, and acknowledge both. "Man, it is totally frustrating when your computer shuts down unexpectedly, isn't it?" Step two: use language that puts you both on the same team. "Well, we can get this fixed. Let's try some things and try to pin down the problem."
It's a trick, because you don't have to be thinking or feeling these things to say them. But once you say them, you're probably going to start to think in ways that defuse the situation further. It's pretty much the old "fake it til you make it" stunt.
posted by restless_nomad at 2:05 PM on October 20, 2010 [4 favorites]
Who at work is telling you that you're acting hostile? If this didn't come from your boss, tell boss you're concerned about how you come off and ask for suggestions to improve. Even if it is coming from your boss, consider seeking guidance from another coworker. If only one person is saying this, and not giving a source, there's a decent chance that you aren't the problem (could be axe-grinding, departmental politics, whatever).
That said, it sounds like your concerns extend beyond your work behavior/environment, and nthing finding a therapist if that's the case.
posted by momus_window at 2:08 PM on October 20, 2010
That said, it sounds like your concerns extend beyond your work behavior/environment, and nthing finding a therapist if that's the case.
posted by momus_window at 2:08 PM on October 20, 2010
Bring in tasty snacks once or twice a month. Many people are like Labradors, and will warm up to you just because you feed them snausages.
Try to be conscious of your "at rest" face and have a very slight smile/softening of the eyes. (My own at rest / expressionless aspect is that of a cold-eyed killer, so I work alone. But I do try to practice the more benign face when Mr. C gets home.
posted by cyndigo at 2:21 PM on October 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
Try to be conscious of your "at rest" face and have a very slight smile/softening of the eyes. (My own at rest / expressionless aspect is that of a cold-eyed killer, so I work alone. But I do try to practice the more benign face when Mr. C gets home.
posted by cyndigo at 2:21 PM on October 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
I could be totally full of it, but here is what I might try first before going nuclear and deciding I was a monster in the worklace...
#1 - Don't confide (suspected weaknesses or your personal life) in anyone at work. These are not your friends. You don't need to be planting seeds of negativity about yourself in the workplace. (Don't speak negatively or complain about others while you're at it!)
#2 - Are you especially good or especially horrible in your position? Focus on your performance at work. If you are really really competent, politics may be involved in this perception about you (because other folks are usually CYA, you might be making them look bad by default.) And if you are especially incompetent, folks may be adversarial due to frustration. Either way, this perspective is worth considering.
#3 - A bad divorce or living in an abusive environment can be a very real confidence killer. Confidence and a positive attitude greatly effect how people perceive and interact with you. Therapy, meditation, assertiveness training, yoga, etc. etc. for healing, self-improvement, and an increase of self-awareness.
#4 - Remember that no one is perfect and everyone is doing their best - including you. Try not to beat yourself up as long as you keep moving forward.
Personally, my performance and political interactions got a lot better in professional settings when I quit worrying what others thought about me. This was easy to do when I started working really hard on myself in my mid-30's, just after I got divorced, because I knew I was always actively working towards improvement.... YMMV.
posted by jbenben at 2:37 PM on October 20, 2010 [4 favorites]
#1 - Don't confide (suspected weaknesses or your personal life) in anyone at work. These are not your friends. You don't need to be planting seeds of negativity about yourself in the workplace. (Don't speak negatively or complain about others while you're at it!)
#2 - Are you especially good or especially horrible in your position? Focus on your performance at work. If you are really really competent, politics may be involved in this perception about you (because other folks are usually CYA, you might be making them look bad by default.) And if you are especially incompetent, folks may be adversarial due to frustration. Either way, this perspective is worth considering.
#3 - A bad divorce or living in an abusive environment can be a very real confidence killer. Confidence and a positive attitude greatly effect how people perceive and interact with you. Therapy, meditation, assertiveness training, yoga, etc. etc. for healing, self-improvement, and an increase of self-awareness.
#4 - Remember that no one is perfect and everyone is doing their best - including you. Try not to beat yourself up as long as you keep moving forward.
Personally, my performance and political interactions got a lot better in professional settings when I quit worrying what others thought about me. This was easy to do when I started working really hard on myself in my mid-30's, just after I got divorced, because I knew I was always actively working towards improvement.... YMMV.
posted by jbenben at 2:37 PM on October 20, 2010 [4 favorites]
Is there any way you can give us an example of what you are are talking about? You have been accused anonymously of acting hostile. (I'm guessing someone complained to your boss and the boss brought it up with you?) Did the anonymous person go into any more detail than that?
Do you have any ideas in your mind about what they might have been talking about? Any incidents that you think they might have been referring to? You mentioned feeling irritable sometimes. Are there any situations that come to mind lately where you felt irritable at work?
What did the therapists do that made them seem adversarial to you? How did those conversations go as they slipped into adversarial-ness.
The one thing that comes to mind for me without knowing any of the other details (and please forgive me if this isn't in the ballpark) is this: In my experience, conflict-avoidant people can often be passive-aggressive. And underneath the passive-aggressiveness is seething anger over things that to me seem petty and nuts. Speaking in a "nice" tone of voice with bulging eyes and clenched teeth, about staplers being put in the wrong drawer, etc.
I can understand in a way that feeling like one is always stepped on by people and can't always defend oneself could definitely lead a person to feeling angry or extremely irked. But if you are angry or pissed about something, it can be visible to people even if you think you are masking it with niceness. So I guess that's the one thing I would ask, if you *feel* angry, irritated, or hostile often even if you think you're covering it and not taking it out on people.
posted by Ashley801 at 3:22 PM on October 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
Do you have any ideas in your mind about what they might have been talking about? Any incidents that you think they might have been referring to? You mentioned feeling irritable sometimes. Are there any situations that come to mind lately where you felt irritable at work?
What did the therapists do that made them seem adversarial to you? How did those conversations go as they slipped into adversarial-ness.
The one thing that comes to mind for me without knowing any of the other details (and please forgive me if this isn't in the ballpark) is this: In my experience, conflict-avoidant people can often be passive-aggressive. And underneath the passive-aggressiveness is seething anger over things that to me seem petty and nuts. Speaking in a "nice" tone of voice with bulging eyes and clenched teeth, about staplers being put in the wrong drawer, etc.
I can understand in a way that feeling like one is always stepped on by people and can't always defend oneself could definitely lead a person to feeling angry or extremely irked. But if you are angry or pissed about something, it can be visible to people even if you think you are masking it with niceness. So I guess that's the one thing I would ask, if you *feel* angry, irritated, or hostile often even if you think you're covering it and not taking it out on people.
posted by Ashley801 at 3:22 PM on October 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I wanted to avoid the dreaded tl;dr, but here it is. I have had sour workplace experiences in the past, once when I was just really different from the tight group, and once when the boss really disliked me.
I'm trying to be as honest as I can, hence disclosing that, maybe I *am* as bad as my ex- says. I understand that repeated experience should be a clue, so I'm looking carefully at my own role.
This time around. I'm the boss. Have been disciplining a severely underperforming staffer, who claimed harassment. There has been wide agreement for years that staffer is underperforming, but no one dealt with it. In response to claim of harassment, HR interviewed staff, cofidentially. The report was long on "staff feel"and short on "A.Mefite did X." I have been told staff fear me, and don't feel they can talk to me. But there are no specifics, and I am at a loss, and devastated, as I try *really*hard to be good to staff, listen, give opportunity, praise, donuts.
My team has had some really adverse events, prefer not to be too explicit. Layoffs, staff loss w/out being replaced, lots of reorganization, too much work. I think it's been traumatic. It has certainly affected me a lot. Have worked my tail off, but finally hit a horrible wall of depression and ill health, aggravated by work stress. I have a chronic illness.
There are a lot of personality issues, lack of teamwork, and some sabotage. There's staff-staff conflict, lots of side-taking. There's been some explicit sexism. I'm female. I've hit back hard at boss on the lack of support from above, reduced staffing and no reduction in work, and sexism. Boss is trying hard to work with me to resolve issues.
I believe it can be made better, and I want to do what I can to make that happen.
I'm really heartened by the comments, and the generally helpful, supportive tone. Thank you ask.me, I knew i could count on you.
posted by Anonymous.MeFite at 3:42 PM on October 20, 2010
I'm trying to be as honest as I can, hence disclosing that, maybe I *am* as bad as my ex- says. I understand that repeated experience should be a clue, so I'm looking carefully at my own role.
This time around. I'm the boss. Have been disciplining a severely underperforming staffer, who claimed harassment. There has been wide agreement for years that staffer is underperforming, but no one dealt with it. In response to claim of harassment, HR interviewed staff, cofidentially. The report was long on "staff feel"and short on "A.Mefite did X." I have been told staff fear me, and don't feel they can talk to me. But there are no specifics, and I am at a loss, and devastated, as I try *really*hard to be good to staff, listen, give opportunity, praise, donuts.
My team has had some really adverse events, prefer not to be too explicit. Layoffs, staff loss w/out being replaced, lots of reorganization, too much work. I think it's been traumatic. It has certainly affected me a lot. Have worked my tail off, but finally hit a horrible wall of depression and ill health, aggravated by work stress. I have a chronic illness.
There are a lot of personality issues, lack of teamwork, and some sabotage. There's staff-staff conflict, lots of side-taking. There's been some explicit sexism. I'm female. I've hit back hard at boss on the lack of support from above, reduced staffing and no reduction in work, and sexism. Boss is trying hard to work with me to resolve issues.
I believe it can be made better, and I want to do what I can to make that happen.
I'm really heartened by the comments, and the generally helpful, supportive tone. Thank you ask.me, I knew i could count on you.
posted by Anonymous.MeFite at 3:42 PM on October 20, 2010
Response by poster: seriously, if anybody I work with reads this, I'm outed. Which I suppose is okay, but I like having MeFi as my Seekrit ClubHowse
posted by Anonymous.MeFite at 3:43 PM on October 20, 2010
posted by Anonymous.MeFite at 3:43 PM on October 20, 2010
seriously, if anybody I work with reads this, I'm outed.
Hah. You could be at least four of my ex-bosses. Don't worry about it too much, seriously.
posted by restless_nomad at 3:46 PM on October 20, 2010
Hah. You could be at least four of my ex-bosses. Don't worry about it too much, seriously.
posted by restless_nomad at 3:46 PM on October 20, 2010
seriously, if anybody I work with reads this, I'm outed. Which I suppose is okay, but I like having MeFi as my Seekrit ClubHowse
I can honestly think of two people in my life you could be, and I imagine many other mefites could say something similar, so I think your secret identity is safe.
posted by crankylex at 4:10 PM on October 20, 2010
I can honestly think of two people in my life you could be, and I imagine many other mefites could say something similar, so I think your secret identity is safe.
posted by crankylex at 4:10 PM on October 20, 2010
For me, as for people above, it comes down to what is in my mind as I am interacting with people or preparing to interact with them, and deliberate actions in physical approach.
When I am working with someone or even thinking about them, I have to think, "Let's do this," rather than, "I'll do this," or (much worse) "You did this wrong, so now I will do it right." If I am reviewing work that someone else has done, I have to approach an error thinking, "This is a problem in our work and it's good that I am in a place to correct it," not, "This person was incorrect or careless or stupid." I have to approach it as though I were the one who made the error -- this is teamwork for me. And if I am looking at someone and thinking, "You are a fool," or something equally insulting, it will come across in my tone of voice.
To make sure that people understand my respect for them, here are some things I do physically:
Open my eyes and make eye contact
Make physical "contact" upon entering, exiting, or embarking on any kind of new project or thing, by stepping in an office or walking by or using my voice
If someone speaks to me, I turn to engage them by making sure nothing is between us and I am facing them squarely with open posture (arms not crossed, not fidgeting, calm demeanor, standing or sitting up straight). If they move, I move... if they are standing, I might stand
I take a deep breath when someone is done speaking, to avoid interrupting them
I try to "smile with my eyes" and also keep tabs on my neutral expression, which can be intense at times. I have to be conscious about sitting up straight at the computer, or at least be prepared to adopt open posture when someone comes up
If I think someone is approaching, I start doing and planning all of these things
When I do these things, everything is good. When I stopped for a while, thinking they didn't matter, negative feedback came in. ymmv.
posted by ramenopres at 6:41 PM on October 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
When I am working with someone or even thinking about them, I have to think, "Let's do this," rather than, "I'll do this," or (much worse) "You did this wrong, so now I will do it right." If I am reviewing work that someone else has done, I have to approach an error thinking, "This is a problem in our work and it's good that I am in a place to correct it," not, "This person was incorrect or careless or stupid." I have to approach it as though I were the one who made the error -- this is teamwork for me. And if I am looking at someone and thinking, "You are a fool," or something equally insulting, it will come across in my tone of voice.
To make sure that people understand my respect for them, here are some things I do physically:
Open my eyes and make eye contact
Make physical "contact" upon entering, exiting, or embarking on any kind of new project or thing, by stepping in an office or walking by or using my voice
If someone speaks to me, I turn to engage them by making sure nothing is between us and I am facing them squarely with open posture (arms not crossed, not fidgeting, calm demeanor, standing or sitting up straight). If they move, I move... if they are standing, I might stand
I take a deep breath when someone is done speaking, to avoid interrupting them
I try to "smile with my eyes" and also keep tabs on my neutral expression, which can be intense at times. I have to be conscious about sitting up straight at the computer, or at least be prepared to adopt open posture when someone comes up
If I think someone is approaching, I start doing and planning all of these things
When I do these things, everything is good. When I stopped for a while, thinking they didn't matter, negative feedback came in. ymmv.
posted by ramenopres at 6:41 PM on October 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
I am a very blunt person, and I work in family law. So I often have the urge to blurt out harsh truths to people in emotionally vulnerable states.
I get away with it because:
1. I make sure to make small talk. I hate small talk, but I will talk about the dogs or the kids or whatever for a few minutes before getting to the nitty gritty. As part of that, I smile and open up my body language to show my interest -- in the person. I could care less about football, but if it's my client's favorite thing, I'm interested in how they think the season is going.
2. I pretend to be a much more cheery person than I am. With the result that I am fairly cheery. But if I'm talking to someone about their divorce, my small talk will be about the glorious weather or the upcoming weekend or a cute thing. Silver linings.
3. When it gets down to the bluntness, I preface it with an acknowledgment that the bluntness is coming: "I'm going to be super blunt with you right now, and tell you that you will not get more parenting time with your son until you have a stable residence, and right now you do not"
4. I don't end the conversation without talking about solutions. If they or I have ideas, great. If not, I let the client know that we'll both have some time to think, and that we'll reconnect soon. It's important to end with the message that no problem is insurmountable, and that we're working together to figure it out.
A lot of this, and how I think it applies to you, is fostering a sense of teamwork, or it's-us-against-the-world. This needs to be genuine -- I'm working with my clients towards a shared goal, and we have to work through the bad stuff to get there.
This applies to your staff -- you are a team recovering from a rough few months, and you all have the same goals. So a comment about a mistake does not need to be a talking to from the higher ups, it can be a talk about how we move past this, with you expressing your confidence that the person you're speaking to is an integral part of the solution. Also, if your staff are generally competent, the conversation should be more about how to move past the problem than how the problem was caused.
You are modeling how problems are dealt with in your environment -- straight talk is encouraged, and no one thing is the end of the world. Whoever messed up, whatever the issue is, you model that the problem is addressed through honest discussion, and that the result is a solution rather than a punishment.
I would take this up with a friend or family member who cares enough to be honest -- get some feedback on how you present. I wasn't always successful at being blunt and getting away with it, but watching people's reactions to me taught me a lot.
posted by freshwater at 7:59 PM on October 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
I get away with it because:
1. I make sure to make small talk. I hate small talk, but I will talk about the dogs or the kids or whatever for a few minutes before getting to the nitty gritty. As part of that, I smile and open up my body language to show my interest -- in the person. I could care less about football, but if it's my client's favorite thing, I'm interested in how they think the season is going.
2. I pretend to be a much more cheery person than I am. With the result that I am fairly cheery. But if I'm talking to someone about their divorce, my small talk will be about the glorious weather or the upcoming weekend or a cute thing. Silver linings.
3. When it gets down to the bluntness, I preface it with an acknowledgment that the bluntness is coming: "I'm going to be super blunt with you right now, and tell you that you will not get more parenting time with your son until you have a stable residence, and right now you do not"
4. I don't end the conversation without talking about solutions. If they or I have ideas, great. If not, I let the client know that we'll both have some time to think, and that we'll reconnect soon. It's important to end with the message that no problem is insurmountable, and that we're working together to figure it out.
A lot of this, and how I think it applies to you, is fostering a sense of teamwork, or it's-us-against-the-world. This needs to be genuine -- I'm working with my clients towards a shared goal, and we have to work through the bad stuff to get there.
This applies to your staff -- you are a team recovering from a rough few months, and you all have the same goals. So a comment about a mistake does not need to be a talking to from the higher ups, it can be a talk about how we move past this, with you expressing your confidence that the person you're speaking to is an integral part of the solution. Also, if your staff are generally competent, the conversation should be more about how to move past the problem than how the problem was caused.
You are modeling how problems are dealt with in your environment -- straight talk is encouraged, and no one thing is the end of the world. Whoever messed up, whatever the issue is, you model that the problem is addressed through honest discussion, and that the result is a solution rather than a punishment.
I would take this up with a friend or family member who cares enough to be honest -- get some feedback on how you present. I wasn't always successful at being blunt and getting away with it, but watching people's reactions to me taught me a lot.
posted by freshwater at 7:59 PM on October 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
I am also a woman, and have struggled with the assertive woman = bitch thing my entire adulthood. I feel your pain.
posted by freshwater at 8:02 PM on October 20, 2010
posted by freshwater at 8:02 PM on October 20, 2010
Since you don't know what you might be doing to seem adversarial, and we don't either, why not employ a management coach? They tell me that very often managers don't realise how they are coming across and it's their job to help them with it.
Depending on your position in the company, HR might be willing to pay for it.
posted by Omnomnom at 12:20 AM on October 21, 2010
Depending on your position in the company, HR might be willing to pay for it.
posted by Omnomnom at 12:20 AM on October 21, 2010
I wonder if you can get some outside assistance for you and your team. A while ago, when I was laid off, I got a career coach. As part of that, I did a Birkman assessment, and part of that looks at a person's needs in the workplace, how they respond when those needs are met and their stress behaviours when they are not met. Immediately it was apparent to me why I had spent months having run-ins with a woman I worked with - we would both push each other into our stress behaviours. My career coach told me he had used this sort of assessment as a tool for issues within teams because it helped everyone understand how to work at meeting the needs of others, and understand their own reactions.
The other thing I would say is that I have recently dealt with a situation at work where we had a.. client (for want of a better word) and a number of people have written on this person's file that they are hostile and aggressive. This is because this person is BAD at listening, and so continues to focus on what they want without listening carefully to what others are saying and taking cues from that. Not saying that is your problem necessarily, but it is possible. This was first written on this person's file more than 10 years ago, and despite it being brought up very directly with them recently, I have just added another note saying essentially the same thing.
posted by AnnaRat at 1:16 AM on October 21, 2010
The other thing I would say is that I have recently dealt with a situation at work where we had a.. client (for want of a better word) and a number of people have written on this person's file that they are hostile and aggressive. This is because this person is BAD at listening, and so continues to focus on what they want without listening carefully to what others are saying and taking cues from that. Not saying that is your problem necessarily, but it is possible. This was first written on this person's file more than 10 years ago, and despite it being brought up very directly with them recently, I have just added another note saying essentially the same thing.
posted by AnnaRat at 1:16 AM on October 21, 2010
What a great question. Here is my ridiculously long answer :-)
I think you have a couple of issues to deal with here:
1) You need to mollify HR. HR people are gossipy – you do not want them derailing your career. There are a bunch of ways you can fix the HR problem: i) As someone upthread suggested, ask if they will get you a coach. Even if they won't, it suggests you're interested in self-improvement, and it puts the shoe a bit more on their foot. ii) Ask if they have any instruments you can use together to collect information about the health of your department – such as 360 degree assessment tools, employee engagement questionnaires, or suchlike.This shows that you're open and non-defensive, and it turns HR into your partner. And iii) try being deliberately (cautiously!) emotionally vulnerable with HR. Tell them the feedback has made you sad, tell them it surprises you, tell them you want the staff to be happy and engaged, tell them you want to figure out how to improve things. All that may sound too obvious to say, but if you're a reserved person, HR may be assuming all sorts of wrong stuff, so it is actually worth saying.
2) You want to get along better with your staff. It sounds to me like you're suffering a bit from gender nonsense here – honestly, male bosses with high expectations are perceived in lots of different ways, but female bosses with high expectations are pretty much always just seen as bitches, sad but true. So if you have a low-performing staffer and you're the person who's finally calling him or her to account, you will definitely be perceived as a bitch (including, probably, by HR). And people will fear you. There's no real solution to that, but I would suggest you do a bunch of tiny things to deliberately soften people's perception of you. Keep bringing in food. Wear warm colours. Invest in social chitchat. Set up 'open office hours' where people can come to you and say whatever they want, in private. Set yourself a target for praise or interpersonal communications – like, you will send one e-mail of pure praise every day. Basically: because you're a woman, people expect you to be nurturing – even though you're in a work environment. So, you probably want to layer on a little nurture, just so you don't confound people's unexamined assumptions and get labeled something you're not.
3) You want to figure out whether you're a bitch or not. Obviously, I can't help you answer that question, but based on your post here, I do wonder if you're totally in control of your tone all the time. I say that because I was struck by you saying you “hit back hard” at your boss, especially when you followed up by saying your boss is working hard to resolve the issues, which implies that he or she is a decent boss, not a nutbar. In which case, why hit them hard? So I do wonder if you're aggressive, or sometimes perceived as aggressive. I myself have a tendency to be irritable – what works for me is to not let myself get too tired or hungry or stressed. And, I try to surround myself with people I see as “good” – patient, compassionate, wise. That helps me be my best self.
Hope some of this is helpful. I recognize a little of myself, and other people I know, in your question, and I wish you the best as you work through some of this stuff :-)
posted by Susan PG at 2:04 AM on October 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think you have a couple of issues to deal with here:
1) You need to mollify HR. HR people are gossipy – you do not want them derailing your career. There are a bunch of ways you can fix the HR problem: i) As someone upthread suggested, ask if they will get you a coach. Even if they won't, it suggests you're interested in self-improvement, and it puts the shoe a bit more on their foot. ii) Ask if they have any instruments you can use together to collect information about the health of your department – such as 360 degree assessment tools, employee engagement questionnaires, or suchlike.This shows that you're open and non-defensive, and it turns HR into your partner. And iii) try being deliberately (cautiously!) emotionally vulnerable with HR. Tell them the feedback has made you sad, tell them it surprises you, tell them you want the staff to be happy and engaged, tell them you want to figure out how to improve things. All that may sound too obvious to say, but if you're a reserved person, HR may be assuming all sorts of wrong stuff, so it is actually worth saying.
2) You want to get along better with your staff. It sounds to me like you're suffering a bit from gender nonsense here – honestly, male bosses with high expectations are perceived in lots of different ways, but female bosses with high expectations are pretty much always just seen as bitches, sad but true. So if you have a low-performing staffer and you're the person who's finally calling him or her to account, you will definitely be perceived as a bitch (including, probably, by HR). And people will fear you. There's no real solution to that, but I would suggest you do a bunch of tiny things to deliberately soften people's perception of you. Keep bringing in food. Wear warm colours. Invest in social chitchat. Set up 'open office hours' where people can come to you and say whatever they want, in private. Set yourself a target for praise or interpersonal communications – like, you will send one e-mail of pure praise every day. Basically: because you're a woman, people expect you to be nurturing – even though you're in a work environment. So, you probably want to layer on a little nurture, just so you don't confound people's unexamined assumptions and get labeled something you're not.
3) You want to figure out whether you're a bitch or not. Obviously, I can't help you answer that question, but based on your post here, I do wonder if you're totally in control of your tone all the time. I say that because I was struck by you saying you “hit back hard” at your boss, especially when you followed up by saying your boss is working hard to resolve the issues, which implies that he or she is a decent boss, not a nutbar. In which case, why hit them hard? So I do wonder if you're aggressive, or sometimes perceived as aggressive. I myself have a tendency to be irritable – what works for me is to not let myself get too tired or hungry or stressed. And, I try to surround myself with people I see as “good” – patient, compassionate, wise. That helps me be my best self.
Hope some of this is helpful. I recognize a little of myself, and other people I know, in your question, and I wish you the best as you work through some of this stuff :-)
posted by Susan PG at 2:04 AM on October 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
You asked for book recommendations, so here's one: How to Win Friends and Influence People. Lots of folks seem put off by the title, but it is an excellent manual on how to build and maintain positive relationships.
posted by coolguymichael at 10:15 AM on October 21, 2010
posted by coolguymichael at 10:15 AM on October 21, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Jacqueline at 1:24 PM on October 20, 2010 [5 favorites]