How do I motivate my boyfriend?
October 17, 2010 3:37 PM Subscribe
I love my boyfriend and want to build a life with him. He is stuck in a low wage dead end job and seems unmotivated to change this, while my career is just starting to get off the ground. I am confident and excited about the near future, but I'm afriad that my worries about his future will destroy our relationship.
posted by Anthro girl to Human Relations (38 answers total) 12 users marked this as a favorite
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year now. When we met we were both working in a bar, I had just finished my MA degree and was waiting for my Visa to be approved and he had been working in the bar for 4 years already. As our relationship developed I realized that I was getting the feeling that he could be 'the one' and I know that he feels the same. He is 28 and I am 26. In the past year since we met, I have slowly (but surely) started developing the career that I desire, making the difficult decision to take a non-paying internship in order to get experience and make contacts, etc. Now that has ended and I'm currently looking for work and feel confident about my prospecs. Even though the last few months have been financially difficult for me and I am practically broke, I know that atleast I am moving forward and that eventually I'll be in better circumstances, because I am working towards my ultimate goal.
My boyfriend still lives hand to mouth every week as he works in the bar. He makes very little money as he refuses to work full time in a job that he hates. He has no desire to make 'bar work' a career i.e. working his way up, becoming a manager, etc. because he says it's just not what he wants to do with his life. But he doesn't seem to be motivated to find other, full time work. Bar work is difficult to get out of because it sucks the life out of you (if you don't enjoy it) and you work crazy hours so it's difficult to do normal things at normal hours (It's been difficult for me as well). But I'm getting frustrated because he has no money, hates his job, but yet it seems like he has no sense of urgency to fix this situation. We don't live together, and he says that he dreams of the day we can move in together, but his actions don't match his words. He has no savings and barely any money in the bank. When I was working part time and doing my internship, I was living hand to mouth as well and yet still managed to put some money away.
I'm not a nurturing type of person. I really love his personality and the way he treats me. I think I've been able to look past this problem because we don't live together and since I'm just getting my feet on the ground as well I felt like who was I to judge. But now I feel like I'm moving forward and I am confident about the future, and I'm worried that as much as he says he wants to move forward with me (mentally and physically) he is nowhere near being able to. I don't care what he does for work, I just want him to make a commitment to something.
When is enough, enough? Should I give him time, or is staying in this relationship keeping him comfortable in his life? Is there anything I can do to motivate him to do what he says he wants to do anyway? I'm afraid a tough love approach will alienate him. If he can get his act together, I would love to spend the rest of my life with him. Am I being foolish? I could really use some advice....