Let's Just Be Friends?
February 11, 2011 11:44 AM Subscribe
I have had a few fledgling relationships that have gone from awesome platonic friendship --> sexual tension ---> hook-up (instigated by the guy)--> awkward, painful attempt at going back to friendship (also instigated by the guy).
I'm really confused and bitter and angry. Can you help me decipher what's going on and figure out if these friendships are salvageable?
posted by calcetina to Human Relations (36 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
Background: female, straight, mid-20s, living in Midwestern city in the US.
The following pattern/situation has happened twice in the past year, with two different guys and two different circles of friends:
1) I develop a close platonic friendship with a guy in my circle of friends. I am attracted to him, but I'm unsure if he's attracted to me, so I don't pursue him physically, but we hang out a lot, with the group and by ourselves.
2) The guy, after months and months, starts flirting hardcore and eventually kisses me.
3) We hook up (no intercourse, but lots of fooling around). Things are great! We have great chemistry! I'm excited, but I keep calm. I'm not in a rush to define the relationship.
4) After a few days or a week or two, he gets really distant and gives some lame excuse like, "You're really awesome, but I'm just not over my ex" (This same excuse has been used by both guys.)
5) Because we hang in the same group of friends, I still have to see him and be cordial, even when he starts dating/flirting with other people less than a month later. (What happened to your "ex"?) I'm torn between ignoring him completely or pretending that everything is just fine and I feel all this anger and angst and ickyness.
In the end, I just end up feeling really bitter. I don't want to lose these friendships, but at the same time, I can't help but feel angry that they led me on, used me, and then moved on. I understand that happens with random strangers, but not with your close friends.
It makes me feel really insecure because we obviously have an established emotional connection and we get along great, but it's like after we get naked, they get weird (I'm a pretty attractive person, so I don't know what that's about). I keep racking my brain to try to figure out what's wrong with me, and they won't tell me.
Obviously, the key to preventing this from happening again is "don't date your friends", I guess? Okay, I got that part. How do I move on? Last night, I saw one of the guys for the first time since he 'dumped' me (via text message, ugh!), and he was playing footsie under the table with one of our female friends (this girl is engaged to someone else, by the way...). It made me sick to my stomach!
Ordinarily, I would just cut these guys out of my life, but they are good friends and we have so many mutual friends. I want things to back to the way they were before. Is that even possible? How do I get there? Do I need to deal with this on my own, or should I try to talk to them? How do I start that conversation without being all "ooooh, let's talk about our feeeeeelings"? How do I deal with my bitterness/anger?
Am I just bean-plating the shit out of this?