Dating on Vacation
September 26, 2010 8:14 AM Subscribe
I'm a single guy who would love to go out on a few pseudo-dates while on vacation. Also, I'm a Christian and want to keep it clean.
I'm an easy-going and reasonably successful single guy, mid 30's, going on vacation next week on the west coast. Part of the time will be spent with family, but that'll get tired after a while and I know nobody else in the area.
Ideally the most fun thing would be to find a nice single girl and have a few adventures on my dime.
In my introverted mind it goes something like this: I visit the “Weekend Match 42 Dot Com” site (this does not exist at time of writing) and like a dating site I put up a photo and small profile, and search others' profiles. I find a plain-looking single office worker that doesn't go out a whole lot and ask her to join me for a few trips. We go out, with no pressure for intimacy, have some fun (or not, worst case), and depart. Maybe we keep in touch later; maybe not. But we both got out and had some valuable non-alone time.
Something like Craigslist is absolutely not an option. I would be concerned about the potential of getting robbed (or worse) and no girl in her right mind should meet-up alone with some potential creep on the Internet.
Single-friendly group activities are also something I'm interested in hearing about if any cater to visitors that are only going to be around for a week or two.
I'm an easy-going and reasonably successful single guy, mid 30's, going on vacation next week on the west coast. Part of the time will be spent with family, but that'll get tired after a while and I know nobody else in the area.
Ideally the most fun thing would be to find a nice single girl and have a few adventures on my dime.
In my introverted mind it goes something like this: I visit the “Weekend Match 42 Dot Com” site (this does not exist at time of writing) and like a dating site I put up a photo and small profile, and search others' profiles. I find a plain-looking single office worker that doesn't go out a whole lot and ask her to join me for a few trips. We go out, with no pressure for intimacy, have some fun (or not, worst case), and depart. Maybe we keep in touch later; maybe not. But we both got out and had some valuable non-alone time.
Something like Craigslist is absolutely not an option. I would be concerned about the potential of getting robbed (or worse) and no girl in her right mind should meet-up alone with some potential creep on the Internet.
Single-friendly group activities are also something I'm interested in hearing about if any cater to visitors that are only going to be around for a week or two.
Christian dating sites? Does your church at home have any connections where you're going to be visiting? Maybe look around for like-minded churches in the area that have singles groups--I'm sure they'd be happy to have you.
posted by corey flood at 8:42 AM on September 26, 2010
posted by corey flood at 8:42 AM on September 26, 2010
I agree with OKCupid, just be upfront that you're in town for a vacation and just interested in some casual dating. Some women will rule you out based on that; some will be interested.
Also, there's something a little weird about specifying "plain looking" in your question - plenty of "average" looking people are awesome and confident and get plenty of dates. Just something to think about.
posted by insectosaurus at 8:42 AM on September 26, 2010 [10 favorites]
Also, there's something a little weird about specifying "plain looking" in your question - plenty of "average" looking people are awesome and confident and get plenty of dates. Just something to think about.
posted by insectosaurus at 8:42 AM on September 26, 2010 [10 favorites]
Have you checked to see if there are any Metafilter meetups going on while you are on the west coast? Or, you could suggest a meetup if none are currently listed. I'm not sure what the couples/singles ratio is but they sound like a lot of fun.
I understand what you're trying to imagine here with finding some lonely, plain girl to take out on the town, but I personally find it a little creepy. You may think it's wrong for a girl to meet up with "some potential creep on the Internet" via Craigslist, but I'm here to tell that what you're describing sounds no less creepy to me as a woman. If some guy wanted to show me around and pay for everything (I assume that's what you mean when you say "on my dime") I would spend the whole time waiting for the axe to fall and the come-ons to start. Also, you're making some assumptions about a woman's level of attractiveness and her level of loneliness that are not very nice. I'm sure you're a great guy and you wouldn't dream of making anyone uncomfortable, but this is just how it reads to me.
posted by Mouse Army at 8:44 AM on September 26, 2010 [50 favorites]
I understand what you're trying to imagine here with finding some lonely, plain girl to take out on the town, but I personally find it a little creepy. You may think it's wrong for a girl to meet up with "some potential creep on the Internet" via Craigslist, but I'm here to tell that what you're describing sounds no less creepy to me as a woman. If some guy wanted to show me around and pay for everything (I assume that's what you mean when you say "on my dime") I would spend the whole time waiting for the axe to fall and the come-ons to start. Also, you're making some assumptions about a woman's level of attractiveness and her level of loneliness that are not very nice. I'm sure you're a great guy and you wouldn't dream of making anyone uncomfortable, but this is just how it reads to me.
posted by Mouse Army at 8:44 AM on September 26, 2010 [50 favorites]
Depending on the city you'll be visiting, is going to a local church an option? I'm sure you could meet nice people up for non-pressure hanging out there.
I live in Portland and there are TONS of "single friendly group activities" going on; pick up kick ball games, pub trivia, ballroom dancing. Pick up a copy of your local paper and see what is going on.
OkCupid, as valkyryn says, is a good option. Though, you'll have to realize that ANY website makes you a "potential creep on the internet," by virtue of you being on the internet.
a plain-looking single office worker
Please, don't tell her that's what you consider her if/when you do go out on these non-dates.
posted by girlalex at 8:45 AM on September 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
I live in Portland and there are TONS of "single friendly group activities" going on; pick up kick ball games, pub trivia, ballroom dancing. Pick up a copy of your local paper and see what is going on.
OkCupid, as valkyryn says, is a good option. Though, you'll have to realize that ANY website makes you a "potential creep on the internet," by virtue of you being on the internet.
a plain-looking single office worker
Please, don't tell her that's what you consider her if/when you do go out on these non-dates.
posted by girlalex at 8:45 AM on September 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
I have seen people on OKCupid change their location info if they'll be traveling and want to meet people.
That said, OKCupid is a dating site. For people who want to be dating. This is generally going to imply something that would potentially lead to an ongoing thing. Some people also go on OKCupid looking to hook up or for "play", but this is something you say you're not looking for. So I don't know how much luck you'd really have. It's not like there's a special dating site for "plain" people who "don't get out much" and are just going to be grateful that someone of the opposite sex is willing to speak to them.
If what you're really looking for is someone local to be your host/companion on excursions around wherever it is you're going, why not try Couchsurfing? Most people use it to find a place to stay, but there are also people who can't host houseguests at their home but are looking to play tour guide to interesting people who are passing through town.
If you're going to be in a city, why not join a tour group? If you like going to cultural places like museums, galleries, or historical sites, do a little research and go when there will be a guided tour, lecture, or other event to participate in?
posted by Sara C. at 8:46 AM on September 26, 2010
That said, OKCupid is a dating site. For people who want to be dating. This is generally going to imply something that would potentially lead to an ongoing thing. Some people also go on OKCupid looking to hook up or for "play", but this is something you say you're not looking for. So I don't know how much luck you'd really have. It's not like there's a special dating site for "plain" people who "don't get out much" and are just going to be grateful that someone of the opposite sex is willing to speak to them.
If what you're really looking for is someone local to be your host/companion on excursions around wherever it is you're going, why not try Couchsurfing? Most people use it to find a place to stay, but there are also people who can't host houseguests at their home but are looking to play tour guide to interesting people who are passing through town.
If you're going to be in a city, why not join a tour group? If you like going to cultural places like museums, galleries, or historical sites, do a little research and go when there will be a guided tour, lecture, or other event to participate in?
posted by Sara C. at 8:46 AM on September 26, 2010
I know several conservative Christian couples who had dating relationships that began long-distance. It seemed (though I didn't discuss this with them in detail) that the long-distance factor was, in a way, an advantage because it meant lots of talking/writing and getting acquainted without the opportunity for physical intimacy. So, you may be able to simply use a Christian dating site or regular dating site filtered for Christian members to find someone who would be interested in going out with you.
However, something I've heard a lot from single/dating conservative Christians is the idea that, even if you're not doing full-on "get her parents' approval before you ask her to dinner" courtship, dating should still be purposeful, an effort to find a spouse. If you are 100% honest about your plans ("pseudo-dates" rather than actual dates), you may not get many responses from the type of Christian woman you're looking for. Or, if you are not 100% honest about your plans, you may end up going out with someone who feels you've led her on. For that reason, you might consider looking for a meetup group event that matches some of your interests rather than an individual woman to go out with.
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:50 AM on September 26, 2010 [4 favorites]
However, something I've heard a lot from single/dating conservative Christians is the idea that, even if you're not doing full-on "get her parents' approval before you ask her to dinner" courtship, dating should still be purposeful, an effort to find a spouse. If you are 100% honest about your plans ("pseudo-dates" rather than actual dates), you may not get many responses from the type of Christian woman you're looking for. Or, if you are not 100% honest about your plans, you may end up going out with someone who feels you've led her on. For that reason, you might consider looking for a meetup group event that matches some of your interests rather than an individual woman to go out with.
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:50 AM on September 26, 2010 [4 favorites]
I find a plain-looking single office worker that doesn't go out a whole lot and ask her to join me for a few trips
This grossed me out too--sounds like you want someone who fits your stereotype of, "Would be grateful to spend time with me." Why would anyone want to go on a date with someone who has targeted/labeled them as "a plain looking office worker that doesn't go out a whole lot" rather than, "an interesting, fun, appealing person who might be able to show me a side of their hometown I might not otherwise see"?
posted by availablelight at 8:54 AM on September 26, 2010 [11 favorites]
This grossed me out too--sounds like you want someone who fits your stereotype of, "Would be grateful to spend time with me." Why would anyone want to go on a date with someone who has targeted/labeled them as "a plain looking office worker that doesn't go out a whole lot" rather than, "an interesting, fun, appealing person who might be able to show me a side of their hometown I might not otherwise see"?
posted by availablelight at 8:54 AM on September 26, 2010 [11 favorites]
(in other words: change your mindset and your pitch, and you'll have an easier time attracting someone for a fun, no-pressure evening.)
posted by availablelight at 9:05 AM on September 26, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by availablelight at 9:05 AM on September 26, 2010 [3 favorites]
I don't think you are looking for a date, you are looking to rent-a-friend of the opposite sex for a week.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:36 AM on September 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:36 AM on September 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Get a profile on OKCupid or another high-quality dating site. Set your location to the vacation spot (not your permanent residence). Be completely clear and upfront about your situation and what you're looking for.
People go on OKCupid with all sorts of different goals of what they want out of dating; there isn't one specific procedure you have to follow. There is no rule that you can't be Christian or you have to be looking for sex or anything like that. You can set your religion to "Christian" and set what you're "looking for" to "short-term dating," and you can search for women who have the same settings.
You are allowed to explain your goals in the free-form text fields in whatever dating site you use. Your plan does not have to be already spelled out in the website's URL.
a plain-looking single office worker that doesn't go out a whole lot
Never use this language on OKCupid or whatever site you use. In fact, you'd probably do best to never use this phrase again, in any setting.
no girl in her right mind should meet-up alone with some potential creep on the Internet.
I suppose all the women who use dating sites and set up actual dates are ... insane?? I don't think so.
posted by John Cohen at 9:38 AM on September 26, 2010 [4 favorites]
People go on OKCupid with all sorts of different goals of what they want out of dating; there isn't one specific procedure you have to follow. There is no rule that you can't be Christian or you have to be looking for sex or anything like that. You can set your religion to "Christian" and set what you're "looking for" to "short-term dating," and you can search for women who have the same settings.
You are allowed to explain your goals in the free-form text fields in whatever dating site you use. Your plan does not have to be already spelled out in the website's URL.
a plain-looking single office worker that doesn't go out a whole lot
Never use this language on OKCupid or whatever site you use. In fact, you'd probably do best to never use this phrase again, in any setting.
no girl in her right mind should meet-up alone with some potential creep on the Internet.
I suppose all the women who use dating sites and set up actual dates are ... insane?? I don't think so.
posted by John Cohen at 9:38 AM on September 26, 2010 [4 favorites]
Two things.
First, the reason you're having some problems with people's responses is that you've got two problems going on.
The first is that the phrase you use to describe what you're looking for contains a fairly chauvinistic power dynamic -- "plain-looking single office worker that doesn't go out a whole lot and ask her to join me for a few trips." Most women, understandably, dislike being cast in the role of a meek librarian with her cat who is being brought into the new world by the visitor from another city.
The second is that your opinion towards Craigslist -- and how you characterize people who use Craigslist -- is somewhat provincial, and, again, uses language that casts a blanket judgment upon women.
It's also internally inconsistent: you say that "no girl in her right mind should meet up alone with some potential creep on the Internet," yet, in the WeekendMatch42.Com example that you're offering, what is she doing? She would be meeting up with you on the Internet. What you meant is that any girl who would meet up with someone she met specifically on Craigslist would not be in her right mind, and that attitude towards Craigslist is off. Craigslist is used daily by citygoers and the idea that criminals use the personals section of Craigslist to set up robberies is, well, no offense intended, fairly silly.
I'm saying this not to deride you, but to try to explain to you why there are some aspects of your question that are immediately going a bit wrong here in terms of the responses you're getting; some elements in how you're coming across that are engendering a little bit of hostility. I explain this so that you don't demonstrate these attitudes to the people you meet, which would in turn quite possibly produce some real-life hostility.
Second, the common term for what you are looking for is an "activity partner." It's nearly a direct match -- it matches the "fun", "intimacy isn't really a factor", "had some valuable non-alone time" description. The only thing that isn't an exact match is that I get the sense that while you intend no pressure for intimacy, in activity-partner relationship, nineteen times out of 20, intimacy is completely not in the cards; it's purely platonic by design.
Both OKCupid, Craigslist, and most of the otherwise romantic websites have a category for 'activity partner,' so that should be explored; look for match candidates on said websites who are also looking for activity partners, and send a message describing your visit.
You also said you're not averse to singles-friendly group activities. While they're not specifically targeted toward singles, Metafilter IRL is often populated with "Hey, [City] Mefites, I'm going to be in [City] this weekend. How do you feel about a meetup?" Why not meet up with the Mefites in the city you're visiting?
posted by Fizzgig at 10:06 AM on September 26, 2010 [7 favorites]
First, the reason you're having some problems with people's responses is that you've got two problems going on.
The first is that the phrase you use to describe what you're looking for contains a fairly chauvinistic power dynamic -- "plain-looking single office worker that doesn't go out a whole lot and ask her to join me for a few trips." Most women, understandably, dislike being cast in the role of a meek librarian with her cat who is being brought into the new world by the visitor from another city.
The second is that your opinion towards Craigslist -- and how you characterize people who use Craigslist -- is somewhat provincial, and, again, uses language that casts a blanket judgment upon women.
It's also internally inconsistent: you say that "no girl in her right mind should meet up alone with some potential creep on the Internet," yet, in the WeekendMatch42.Com example that you're offering, what is she doing? She would be meeting up with you on the Internet. What you meant is that any girl who would meet up with someone she met specifically on Craigslist would not be in her right mind, and that attitude towards Craigslist is off. Craigslist is used daily by citygoers and the idea that criminals use the personals section of Craigslist to set up robberies is, well, no offense intended, fairly silly.
I'm saying this not to deride you, but to try to explain to you why there are some aspects of your question that are immediately going a bit wrong here in terms of the responses you're getting; some elements in how you're coming across that are engendering a little bit of hostility. I explain this so that you don't demonstrate these attitudes to the people you meet, which would in turn quite possibly produce some real-life hostility.
Second, the common term for what you are looking for is an "activity partner." It's nearly a direct match -- it matches the "fun", "intimacy isn't really a factor", "had some valuable non-alone time" description. The only thing that isn't an exact match is that I get the sense that while you intend no pressure for intimacy, in activity-partner relationship, nineteen times out of 20, intimacy is completely not in the cards; it's purely platonic by design.
Both OKCupid, Craigslist, and most of the otherwise romantic websites have a category for 'activity partner,' so that should be explored; look for match candidates on said websites who are also looking for activity partners, and send a message describing your visit.
You also said you're not averse to singles-friendly group activities. While they're not specifically targeted toward singles, Metafilter IRL is often populated with "Hey, [City] Mefites, I'm going to be in [City] this weekend. How do you feel about a meetup?" Why not meet up with the Mefites in the city you're visiting?
posted by Fizzgig at 10:06 AM on September 26, 2010 [7 favorites]
Also, you could look on Meetup.com for a meetup in a subject field you enjoy while you're there. While, again, most are not specifically targeted towards singles, the vast majority of them are singles-friendly.
posted by Fizzgig at 10:11 AM on September 26, 2010
posted by Fizzgig at 10:11 AM on September 26, 2010
I, too, find your framing a bit creepy and judging of other people's lifestyles in a way that's sort of off-putting, but that's only a bit relevant to my other thoughts.
Namely, the bigger issue here is that what you're looking to do isn't, by any definition I'm familiar with, dating. Dating is going out with someone you have romantic and (eventually) sexual chemistry with. The intentions of dating are, for most people, too seek a long term, loving life and sexual partner or to find a short term purely sexual one.
Assuming your mythical frumpy secretary whose happy for any man to deign to notice her doesn't exist, framing this as a date basically means you might be wasting the time of or misleading the person you go out with. Particularly if you intend to have any of the traditional romance/dating tropes like bringing her flowers, having intimate meals, or whatever, but it doesn't really mean anything romantic/partnership seeking/sexual to you, it's like you're leading her on.
So I agree that what you're looking for is an activity partner. What do you like to do? Bowl? Go to museums? Kayak? Does it have to be a woman, or would you be fine spending time with doing an activity you already enjoy with a person of either gender with whom you already have that activity in common to talk about. Think about posting on Meetup, Craigslist, or any websites focused on that activity.
"I'll be in town from blank to blank, and I'm looking for a fun outdoor lover to show me the best places to hike around the area" is way less creepy (and honestly more fun) than copying the trappings of dating without real intent with a person you don't have any feelings for.
posted by mostlymartha at 11:03 AM on September 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Namely, the bigger issue here is that what you're looking to do isn't, by any definition I'm familiar with, dating. Dating is going out with someone you have romantic and (eventually) sexual chemistry with. The intentions of dating are, for most people, too seek a long term, loving life and sexual partner or to find a short term purely sexual one.
Assuming your mythical frumpy secretary whose happy for any man to deign to notice her doesn't exist, framing this as a date basically means you might be wasting the time of or misleading the person you go out with. Particularly if you intend to have any of the traditional romance/dating tropes like bringing her flowers, having intimate meals, or whatever, but it doesn't really mean anything romantic/partnership seeking/sexual to you, it's like you're leading her on.
So I agree that what you're looking for is an activity partner. What do you like to do? Bowl? Go to museums? Kayak? Does it have to be a woman, or would you be fine spending time with doing an activity you already enjoy with a person of either gender with whom you already have that activity in common to talk about. Think about posting on Meetup, Craigslist, or any websites focused on that activity.
"I'll be in town from blank to blank, and I'm looking for a fun outdoor lover to show me the best places to hike around the area" is way less creepy (and honestly more fun) than copying the trappings of dating without real intent with a person you don't have any feelings for.
posted by mostlymartha at 11:03 AM on September 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Not even going to get into what's going on with your choice of phrases up there or the contradictions in what you've said, but yeah, OKCupid has a spot where you say what you're looking for, and you can choose "Activity Partners". And FWIW, Craigslist personals include a section for "Strictly Platonic". Either of those might help you some.
posted by dilettante at 11:51 AM on September 26, 2010
posted by dilettante at 11:51 AM on September 26, 2010
Craigslist has a "strictly platonic" section of the personals. The craigslist for my locality currently has a couple "visiting from out of town, just want to meet someone to hang out with" ads. I have no idea whether these people have found what they're looking for.
I gather that CouchSurfing.org can be used to find locals who just want to meet up for coffee and show you around their town—you don't have to be actually sleeping on anyone's couch.
posted by Orinda at 12:03 PM on September 26, 2010
I gather that CouchSurfing.org can be used to find locals who just want to meet up for coffee and show you around their town—you don't have to be actually sleeping on anyone's couch.
posted by Orinda at 12:03 PM on September 26, 2010
. . . oh, I see that Sara C. already brought up Couchsurfing! So, what she said.
posted by Orinda at 12:06 PM on September 26, 2010
posted by Orinda at 12:06 PM on September 26, 2010
If you want to keep it clean, why wouldn't you ask your pastor to recommend you to another pastor in the area where they could connect you with someone from a church who might enjoy meeting someone from another part of the country? Male or female? If you want to 'keep it clean' why does it have to be a woman? I worked with a very religious man once who regularly hosted people of all ages from varying churches in the region and by 'hosted' i mean 'was asked to recommend things for them to do while in the area'. This could mean taking them to lunch and a tour of where we worked (which is how I know anything at all about this) or taking them to a baseball game.
One more echo of my distate for your "I'm doing a kind and noble thing by showing Mildred Frumpy a pleasant evening on the town" notion. Dude, do you really think these women would be so desperate for male attention that they'd leap at the chance to go out with you just for the weekend? The internet is the internet. Scam artists are everywhere, including dating sites.
posted by micawber at 7:31 PM on September 26, 2010
One more echo of my distate for your "I'm doing a kind and noble thing by showing Mildred Frumpy a pleasant evening on the town" notion. Dude, do you really think these women would be so desperate for male attention that they'd leap at the chance to go out with you just for the weekend? The internet is the internet. Scam artists are everywhere, including dating sites.
posted by micawber at 7:31 PM on September 26, 2010
What about finding a church that has an active singles ministry and meeting up with a lot of people...both sexes? You should be easily able to find a large church that has a ministry or service dedicated to people your age. I know if you emailed my church, we'd at least find a few people for you to hang out with.
I think you'd be better off with a group. I don't know a lot of women who would go out alone with even a seemingly nice gentleman if they really didn't know anything about him.
posted by littleflowers at 8:17 PM on September 26, 2010
I think you'd be better off with a group. I don't know a lot of women who would go out alone with even a seemingly nice gentleman if they really didn't know anything about him.
posted by littleflowers at 8:17 PM on September 26, 2010
It sounds like you're looking for people to hang out with rather than a date, so I'd avoid dating sites - from what you describe using those could be a recipe for awkwardness or leading someone on. Also, even women you see as plain have their own social lives and feelings, and even worse than leading someone on is taking someone out and feeling like you have to tell them that it's not at all romantic (the worst thing ever is someone you aren't interested in feeling like they have to tell you they are not interested in you. None more awkward), Avoid 'pseudo-dating'.
Craigslist isn't really a thing where I live but many of my friends have made other friends through Livejournal, Twitter or other social sites - do you have any networks like that?
posted by mippy at 8:12 AM on September 27, 2010
Craigslist isn't really a thing where I live but many of my friends have made other friends through Livejournal, Twitter or other social sites - do you have any networks like that?
posted by mippy at 8:12 AM on September 27, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by valkyryn at 8:15 AM on September 26, 2010