Where can I travel & what therapy to seek after divorce?
September 8, 2011 5:21 PM Subscribe
I'm getting over an agonizing marriage and feeling lost. I need to do something therapeutic involving travel and/or therapy for a month or so. Can anyone with experience recommend an ideal place or plan?
I'm a male in my mid-30s. I've been married to someone bipolar the last few years and things really fell apart. I have no family. This is not where I saw my life going at this age. I've also lost my job, but have enough savings to travel for awhile.
This sounds corny, but one thing that really appeals to me is the sort of rehab scenario depicted in Breaking Bad where Jesse sat out in a big tent in the desert and spoke with a circle of people who were also confused and in pain. It felt remote and comforting, and talking about my problems would be in good for now in a faraway environment right now. But I don't even know what groups like that are called or if they exist for people enduring a breakup/divorce. I'm not religious or even spiritual, honestly, but I do believe in group therapy and bonding with people in that scenario.
A more solitary thing I'd like to do is find a small town in a country I've never visited and just quietly explore for a few weeks. It appeals to me somewhat, too, to not speak the language. A beach would be nice. I thought about some small towns on the coasts of Greece or Turkey, but don't have much idea beyond that. I don't like resorts ala the Carribean or Mexico, honestly. Would like someplace a little more mysterious.
I don't know what else to say. Simply hanging out with family and friends is okay, but I also feel like no one really has time to listen, as they have their own lives. I would like to take control of my life in a way that gives me a more positive perspective rather than feeling like life is over. Thank you.
I'm a male in my mid-30s. I've been married to someone bipolar the last few years and things really fell apart. I have no family. This is not where I saw my life going at this age. I've also lost my job, but have enough savings to travel for awhile.
This sounds corny, but one thing that really appeals to me is the sort of rehab scenario depicted in Breaking Bad where Jesse sat out in a big tent in the desert and spoke with a circle of people who were also confused and in pain. It felt remote and comforting, and talking about my problems would be in good for now in a faraway environment right now. But I don't even know what groups like that are called or if they exist for people enduring a breakup/divorce. I'm not religious or even spiritual, honestly, but I do believe in group therapy and bonding with people in that scenario.
A more solitary thing I'd like to do is find a small town in a country I've never visited and just quietly explore for a few weeks. It appeals to me somewhat, too, to not speak the language. A beach would be nice. I thought about some small towns on the coasts of Greece or Turkey, but don't have much idea beyond that. I don't like resorts ala the Carribean or Mexico, honestly. Would like someplace a little more mysterious.
I don't know what else to say. Simply hanging out with family and friends is okay, but I also feel like no one really has time to listen, as they have their own lives. I would like to take control of my life in a way that gives me a more positive perspective rather than feeling like life is over. Thank you.
I think a lot of people might disagree with me -- and I'm saying this as someone who truly enjoys international travel -- but solo international travel can be really, really isolating. Every time I've done it, while it's been unforgettable, all the dark burbly emotional stuff bubbled right up to the top at times and put me in a dark place. I guess what I'm saying is, those feelings haven't prevented me from wanting to do similar trips again, but I'd consequently be very cagey about the idea of undertaking one with therapeutic goals in mind. As I said, this might be extremely YMMV, IMHO, FHWA, MVP, etc.
posted by threeants at 5:29 PM on September 8, 2011 [14 favorites]
posted by threeants at 5:29 PM on September 8, 2011 [14 favorites]
I was going to say what threeants said. It really depends on what kind of mood you're in -- if you're generally accepting of your situation and want to be reflective and get in touch with yourself , it might be OK. If you're depressed, struggling in your days, having obsessive, negative thoughts, all of that, you really need day to day routine and therapy.
posted by sweetkid at 5:36 PM on September 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by sweetkid at 5:36 PM on September 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
I did this a few years ago. I'd dumped a bad relationship then lost my job. I was confused and burnt out.
I packed a good therapy book (the Feeling Good workbook), a 'boot-camp' style exercise dvd and my laptop and found a small sweet semi-touristy village in SE Asia with great food, cheap rooms and lots of massages. Every morning for two weeks I did the exercises. Every afternoon I did the FG workbook. During the day I hired a scooter and toured the area, stopping to talk to villagers, artists, other tourists, and then go back for a massage. It was great, just what I needed.
If I was a more robust person I'd consider finding a guided wilderness trek and doing the same thing, minus the work-out dvds.
On preview, I agree with sweetkid and threeants about international travel being lonely on your own. In my SE Asian village trip I stayed in the one place for 2 weeks and was able to make short-term friends for dining and entertainment. I've done longer, more nomadic journeys alone and they can suck.
posted by the fish at 5:49 PM on September 8, 2011 [7 favorites]
I packed a good therapy book (the Feeling Good workbook), a 'boot-camp' style exercise dvd and my laptop and found a small sweet semi-touristy village in SE Asia with great food, cheap rooms and lots of massages. Every morning for two weeks I did the exercises. Every afternoon I did the FG workbook. During the day I hired a scooter and toured the area, stopping to talk to villagers, artists, other tourists, and then go back for a massage. It was great, just what I needed.
If I was a more robust person I'd consider finding a guided wilderness trek and doing the same thing, minus the work-out dvds.
On preview, I agree with sweetkid and threeants about international travel being lonely on your own. In my SE Asian village trip I stayed in the one place for 2 weeks and was able to make short-term friends for dining and entertainment. I've done longer, more nomadic journeys alone and they can suck.
posted by the fish at 5:49 PM on September 8, 2011 [7 favorites]
I kind of did something like this, through WWOOFing, after I completely burned out after finishing my graduate program and working through most of my studies. I went to rural Sicily, to a town that even other Sicilians had never heard of, and specifically picked a farm that was also a yoga/meditation center (and a pool in the backyard). Although we had days and mornings where we worked a lot, I welcomed it because it was largely physical labor: fruit picking, washing dishes, cleaning up, and I even learned how to make cannoli!
Most of my afternoons were spent practicing my Italian on innocent locals, swimming, sleeping in the hammocks, reading, reflecting, breathing in the amazing air and quiet, eating organic vegetables and fruit, etc. My stay also happened to coincide with a yoga retreat taking place at the far, so I even had the chance to take a yoga class outside...in Italian.
Since there were a bunch of other WWOOFers on site--you can pick places where you know there will be other people at the farm so that it's less isolating--there was always company and people to eat with during mealtimes. Have I talked about the meals? The great thing about WWOOFing is that you always eat well, in this case homemade Sicilian food with very fresh, organic vegetables and fruits.
The *only* downside of it was that the other WWOOFers were all younger, in their early 20s, and couldn't understand why, as an absolutely ancient old lady at 30, wanted to get my sleep at a decent hour instead of staying up to play drinking games with them. I didn't particularly care, and still got rest and relaxation. Mind you, they were all really nice people. However, it really just depends, you can meet all kinds of people while volunteering.
The farm owners are also aging hippies, so they were a bit full of the woo, so to speak, but lovely and kind people who took us to a beach just outside of Palermo. Swimming in the Mediterranean? Yes, please!
If you like, MeMail me and I can give you contact info. I really recommend this, especially as with WWOOFing you can stay as long or short a time as you like. You can make it whatever you want it to be, and I know there are tons of agriturismo/yoga and meditation farms in Italy.
posted by so much modern time at 6:44 PM on September 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
Most of my afternoons were spent practicing my Italian on innocent locals, swimming, sleeping in the hammocks, reading, reflecting, breathing in the amazing air and quiet, eating organic vegetables and fruit, etc. My stay also happened to coincide with a yoga retreat taking place at the far, so I even had the chance to take a yoga class outside...in Italian.
Since there were a bunch of other WWOOFers on site--you can pick places where you know there will be other people at the farm so that it's less isolating--there was always company and people to eat with during mealtimes. Have I talked about the meals? The great thing about WWOOFing is that you always eat well, in this case homemade Sicilian food with very fresh, organic vegetables and fruits.
The *only* downside of it was that the other WWOOFers were all younger, in their early 20s, and couldn't understand why, as an absolutely ancient old lady at 30, wanted to get my sleep at a decent hour instead of staying up to play drinking games with them. I didn't particularly care, and still got rest and relaxation. Mind you, they were all really nice people. However, it really just depends, you can meet all kinds of people while volunteering.
The farm owners are also aging hippies, so they were a bit full of the woo, so to speak, but lovely and kind people who took us to a beach just outside of Palermo. Swimming in the Mediterranean? Yes, please!
If you like, MeMail me and I can give you contact info. I really recommend this, especially as with WWOOFing you can stay as long or short a time as you like. You can make it whatever you want it to be, and I know there are tons of agriturismo/yoga and meditation farms in Italy.
posted by so much modern time at 6:44 PM on September 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I went through a ridiculous period similar to this, and traveling helped, although I kept it to the US because international travel to me (which is my preference) is prone to all sorts of crazy things happening and that on top of being down in the dumps would have been a bit much. I think this was a good decision.
Anyway, I actually combined my travel with an activity that I love: running. As a result, I did a lot of marathons in pretty obscure places as solo travel and it was a blast. Now that life is looking up again, I'm continuing to do it! I'd suggest giving yourself a little purpose on these solo trips - make it a running trip, hiking trip, yoga retreat, cooking retreat, etc. It will help take the focus off of just you, will give you a new skill and something new to take home with you when you're ready to start fresh. Plus, it's positive and a fun way to meet new people and it a great first step to getting awesome again. :)
posted by floweredfish at 6:55 PM on September 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
Anyway, I actually combined my travel with an activity that I love: running. As a result, I did a lot of marathons in pretty obscure places as solo travel and it was a blast. Now that life is looking up again, I'm continuing to do it! I'd suggest giving yourself a little purpose on these solo trips - make it a running trip, hiking trip, yoga retreat, cooking retreat, etc. It will help take the focus off of just you, will give you a new skill and something new to take home with you when you're ready to start fresh. Plus, it's positive and a fun way to meet new people and it a great first step to getting awesome again. :)
posted by floweredfish at 6:55 PM on September 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
My first thought was a cycling trip or walking trip through Europe like this one that takes 35 days walking the pilgramage trail Camino De Satiago in Spain. I haven't been through what you're going through, but my thought is it might be nice to be active and see a lot of beauty. It doesn't seem lonely and you'd probably do a lot talking/getting to know one another.
posted by hellochula at 7:12 PM on September 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by hellochula at 7:12 PM on September 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
Hey so, i did that (travel, heal, introspect) in Greece a number of years ago. I ended up staying there for almost 6 months and traveled around pretty lazily.
I lived on a small island called tilos for at least two or three months. There is a monastery, two towns, an abandoned old town and a number of good uncrowded beaches.
I stayed in the smaller of the two towns, megalo horia (literally "big town", lonely planet describes it as "a serene whitewashed village") in a family run pension. The place was next door to Nikos and Elainey's restaurant going down the road toward Eristos Beach.
Tilos is not a popular destination. Megalo Horio is the less crowded or popular option for tourists as well and getting around requires a scooter, a motorbike or a bike or a willingness to walk. There are a couple of local taxis and a bus service.
I spent most of my time on Eristos beach and indeed, it was one of the happiest and most peaceful times of my life. It's a special place and if you want to truly step away from the world, you can or at least, you used to be able to do it in Tilos.
Other islands that I loved, if slightly less, were Paros and Antiparos.
If you go to Tilos and Nikos and Elainey are still making pitas and jokes, stop by have a seat and enjoy the house specialty, hospitality. And if you think of it tell them Beth, the American girl from so many years ago still thinks of them.
posted by memi at 7:13 PM on September 8, 2011 [5 favorites]
I lived on a small island called tilos for at least two or three months. There is a monastery, two towns, an abandoned old town and a number of good uncrowded beaches.
I stayed in the smaller of the two towns, megalo horia (literally "big town", lonely planet describes it as "a serene whitewashed village") in a family run pension. The place was next door to Nikos and Elainey's restaurant going down the road toward Eristos Beach.
Tilos is not a popular destination. Megalo Horio is the less crowded or popular option for tourists as well and getting around requires a scooter, a motorbike or a bike or a willingness to walk. There are a couple of local taxis and a bus service.
I spent most of my time on Eristos beach and indeed, it was one of the happiest and most peaceful times of my life. It's a special place and if you want to truly step away from the world, you can or at least, you used to be able to do it in Tilos.
Other islands that I loved, if slightly less, were Paros and Antiparos.
If you go to Tilos and Nikos and Elainey are still making pitas and jokes, stop by have a seat and enjoy the house specialty, hospitality. And if you think of it tell them Beth, the American girl from so many years ago still thinks of them.
posted by memi at 7:13 PM on September 8, 2011 [5 favorites]
I feel for you. When my marriage was falling apart, I ran away to graduate school. I had been planning on going to grad school anyway, but chose to leave the country partially because of the need to get away. I think threeants makes a really good point and if I had gone somewhere really isolated, I might have freaked out. What I did was I went to a developed nation where English is spoken (hint: the country was, in fact, England) to a large, capital city. Maybe something like that would work for you. There are some advantages:
- No panic about not being able to communicate
- Big city = plenty of distractions & ability to be alone among people
- Transportation by train or air to many other places including rural and/or non English speaking and/or less developed ones
- Network of friends-of-friends so I had social outlets w/out being smothered
- Different enough to really learn, change, and grow
So maybe somewhere different and far from where you are now that still has some familiar aspects?
Good luck to you & keep taking good care of yourself!
threeants - FHWA? Federal Highway Adminstration?
posted by pointystick at 7:22 PM on September 8, 2011
- No panic about not being able to communicate
- Big city = plenty of distractions & ability to be alone among people
- Transportation by train or air to many other places including rural and/or non English speaking and/or less developed ones
- Network of friends-of-friends so I had social outlets w/out being smothered
- Different enough to really learn, change, and grow
So maybe somewhere different and far from where you are now that still has some familiar aspects?
Good luck to you & keep taking good care of yourself!
threeants - FHWA? Federal Highway Adminstration?
posted by pointystick at 7:22 PM on September 8, 2011
Here is a directory of men's gatherings.
I found it looking for the date of the Mendocino Men's Gathering, but it looks like that happened back in April.
That directory appears to have a broad range of stuff, from a leadership training program that my work sends people to, to stuff that is way more woo. One that is coming up that looks interesting is the Minnesota Men's Conference.
I hope you find what you're looking for.
posted by salvia at 7:42 PM on September 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
I found it looking for the date of the Mendocino Men's Gathering, but it looks like that happened back in April.
That directory appears to have a broad range of stuff, from a leadership training program that my work sends people to, to stuff that is way more woo. One that is coming up that looks interesting is the Minnesota Men's Conference.
I hope you find what you're looking for.
posted by salvia at 7:42 PM on September 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think this is a way of you avoiding the real work that needs to be done in order to get better. I don't think taking a vacation is going to help you, even one that has a therapeutic slant. You want some sort of soothing feeling of relief immediately but that can only really come by suffering through a period of discomfort where you pick up the pieces and put your life back together.
posted by timsneezed at 8:16 PM on September 8, 2011
posted by timsneezed at 8:16 PM on September 8, 2011
I don't often say anything publicly about this because it isn't the sort of thing one talks about, but every once in a while I'll let slip to someone that the organization known now as the ManKind Project completely rewired me in a weekend back in April of 1991. At the time it was called "New Warrior", a name they later dropped because Dan Millman claimed trademark.
Yes, various related and splinter organizations have been mocked here on MeFi and other places. Whatever. It was a cusp in my life, it didn't ask me back for more (though if you can geographically make a few of the follow-ups that'd be cool and worthwhile). One weekend and I was a completely different and way way happier person.
Me-Mail me if you want more. It may or may not be for you, you'll have to see if the possibility resonates.
Another friend of mine credits Burning Man (back in '03 or so) with a similar transformation.
posted by straw at 8:48 PM on September 8, 2011
Yes, various related and splinter organizations have been mocked here on MeFi and other places. Whatever. It was a cusp in my life, it didn't ask me back for more (though if you can geographically make a few of the follow-ups that'd be cool and worthwhile). One weekend and I was a completely different and way way happier person.
Me-Mail me if you want more. It may or may not be for you, you'll have to see if the possibility resonates.
Another friend of mine credits Burning Man (back in '03 or so) with a similar transformation.
posted by straw at 8:48 PM on September 8, 2011
Transformations come in all shapes and sizes. My best advise is to jump. What is it that has been in the back of your mind that you don't think you can do? Do it. Let the universe tell you what to do. Listen to what is going on in your life and jump at the first opportunity that strikes you.
When I went through my divorce (after 10 years together), I lost my job due to restructuring. My mom asked me to go to Hawaii with her. I went. It was ok, nice and relaxing. But, I had a hard time just relaxing. As soon as I got home a friend invited me to Austin, TX. So, I went. I fell in love with the city and met my future wife.
Other times in my life I have found solace in solitude. I have had amazing experiences traveling to places like India, Israel, and Greece. Sometimes what I really need is a week of television.
My advice is to keep looking and jump at whatever strikes you. Over and over again.
posted by kashtana at 1:16 PM on September 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
When I went through my divorce (after 10 years together), I lost my job due to restructuring. My mom asked me to go to Hawaii with her. I went. It was ok, nice and relaxing. But, I had a hard time just relaxing. As soon as I got home a friend invited me to Austin, TX. So, I went. I fell in love with the city and met my future wife.
Other times in my life I have found solace in solitude. I have had amazing experiences traveling to places like India, Israel, and Greece. Sometimes what I really need is a week of television.
My advice is to keep looking and jump at whatever strikes you. Over and over again.
posted by kashtana at 1:16 PM on September 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
Probably not the usual recommendation here, but what about Habitat for Humanity's Global Village volunteer program?
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 12:37 PM on September 11, 2011
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 12:37 PM on September 11, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by bquarters at 5:29 PM on September 8, 2011