how to become my sisters sister again
September 6, 2010 6:09 PM Subscribe
seeing 10 year old sister for first time in over 4 years, help me figure out what to say/how to act!
I need help figuring out how to call my sisters adoptive father to set up a visit for the first time in four years (since she was 6 and I was 16). She's now 10 and I'm 20, and I definitely feel that its important for us to have a relationship, but I don't want to make this awkward for her "new" dad, and especially not for her
backstory: My mother passed away unexpectedly, at 32, when I was 11 and my sister was 1. Following my mothers death, my dad began to drink heavily and I became the primary caretaker of my sister until I was 13 and my sister was 3, and we were placed into foster care. At 14, I moved from the foster home in with a friends family, who couldn't take my sister. My sister moved in with another foster family, a man who eventually adopted her.
Due to resentment I felt for having to care for my sister and the distance between cities, I saw my sister a few times during the first year, then twice when I was 15, and once again when I was 16. For the past 4 years, there has been no contact.
I reestablished contact with my father 3 years ago, who has been a huge support for me as of late and who I know loves both my sister and I tremendously, but is not allowed contact with my sister. He hasn't seen her for 6 years. I know how much this breaks his heart, and I know how badly he wants me to rebuild a relationship with
her.
I was in counseling for 3 years and I'm over any resentment I felt about the situation. I have a great relationship with my dad. But I'm worried all she's heard about him is negative.
I'm also worried that maybe her "new" dad will feel awkward and this is the main reason I haven't called yet.
I'm wondering what to do/what to say/how to act?? I have his phone number sitting here, but what should I say when I call? "Hey, sisters new dad, its sisters sister here! Sorry for not saying anything for four years"
I want to know how to act when I see her that will make her feel most comfortable/not awkward. Should I bring a present? Should I avoid talking about the past? What sort of questions should I ask? About friends and school? Four years is feeling like forever right now.
I want to reconnect and establish a strong relationship this time. How often should I try to see her at first? Once every two weeks? This should be left up to her, right?
I know the longer I wait the harder it's going to be, and I definitely to what to see her again. I'm just not sure how to make the jump!
Any advice, wisdom, anecdotes, thoughts are very very appreciated!!
I need help figuring out how to call my sisters adoptive father to set up a visit for the first time in four years (since she was 6 and I was 16). She's now 10 and I'm 20, and I definitely feel that its important for us to have a relationship, but I don't want to make this awkward for her "new" dad, and especially not for her
backstory: My mother passed away unexpectedly, at 32, when I was 11 and my sister was 1. Following my mothers death, my dad began to drink heavily and I became the primary caretaker of my sister until I was 13 and my sister was 3, and we were placed into foster care. At 14, I moved from the foster home in with a friends family, who couldn't take my sister. My sister moved in with another foster family, a man who eventually adopted her.
Due to resentment I felt for having to care for my sister and the distance between cities, I saw my sister a few times during the first year, then twice when I was 15, and once again when I was 16. For the past 4 years, there has been no contact.
I reestablished contact with my father 3 years ago, who has been a huge support for me as of late and who I know loves both my sister and I tremendously, but is not allowed contact with my sister. He hasn't seen her for 6 years. I know how much this breaks his heart, and I know how badly he wants me to rebuild a relationship with
her.
I was in counseling for 3 years and I'm over any resentment I felt about the situation. I have a great relationship with my dad. But I'm worried all she's heard about him is negative.
I'm also worried that maybe her "new" dad will feel awkward and this is the main reason I haven't called yet.
I'm wondering what to do/what to say/how to act?? I have his phone number sitting here, but what should I say when I call? "Hey, sisters new dad, its sisters sister here! Sorry for not saying anything for four years"
I want to know how to act when I see her that will make her feel most comfortable/not awkward. Should I bring a present? Should I avoid talking about the past? What sort of questions should I ask? About friends and school? Four years is feeling like forever right now.
I want to reconnect and establish a strong relationship this time. How often should I try to see her at first? Once every two weeks? This should be left up to her, right?
I know the longer I wait the harder it's going to be, and I definitely to what to see her again. I'm just not sure how to make the jump!
Any advice, wisdom, anecdotes, thoughts are very very appreciated!!
It is good that you want to have a relationship with your sister. Don't let your father and his needs be a concern. Are you looking to also repair that relationship? Your sister is very young and her experiences with her father are probably very, very different from yours. Given that she is only 10, any dealings with your father, directly or indirectly need to be handled by her adoptive parents and professionals.
posted by Pennyblack at 7:02 PM on September 6, 2010
posted by Pennyblack at 7:02 PM on September 6, 2010
If I was her adoptive father, I'm sure the conversation might be a bit awkward until it really gets rolling but the main thing to remember here is that you're barely an adult yourself. You were thrust into an broken situation, and it was not your fault. I could not in good faith be dissapointed or angry that you hadn't visited your sister. You come across as very smart, mature, and well-spoken, and I think your sister would be better off having you in her life again.
However, since your sister's so young and hasn't seen you in so long, obviously reconnecting will take some time. As far as gifts go, something small would be appreciated, I'm sure. When you call her adoptive father, ask what some of her favorite things are.
posted by kpht at 7:24 PM on September 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
However, since your sister's so young and hasn't seen you in so long, obviously reconnecting will take some time. As far as gifts go, something small would be appreciated, I'm sure. When you call her adoptive father, ask what some of her favorite things are.
posted by kpht at 7:24 PM on September 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Everybody wants a box of chocolates and a long-stemmed rose
Leonard Cohen
Presents can seem like bribes and maybe they even sometimes are but even so they show that you care, even if in a left-handed way. I'm not saying that this is the case, just that sometimes it can seem that way, sometimes it can *be* that way. And sometimes people are suspicious it's that way -- I'm thinking her of her adoptive father -- and be skeptical. Still, once meeting with you, that skepticism can be slowly worn thin.
Your sister, on the other hand, unless she's been bribed non-stop through her life, will likely accept any present in the spirit it's given.
So yeah, a present would be appropriate, I'd think. Maybe one for her father, too, her adoptive father, and a card, and take a long time thinking of what to write inside that card, to be honest to this man, yet not dismissive of yourself.
As to what to say, and how to act -- I remember coming back into my family, after being gone through formative years of my nephews and nieces, and my younger brother also, and just not knowing my way. I just had to let it unfold, was all. And I wasn't a part of their lives, I mean I hadn't been, and I couldn't expect them to just fold me in and show me their hearts or whatever. In time, that happened. It took some time.
Over time, everything becomes clear. She'll see you as who you are.
Marcus Aurelius has this one piece he wrote that I just love, he speaks about how when a branch is cut from a tree and then grafted back in, it is still of the tree yet not. I wish I could remember it verbatim -- it's perfectly apt here...
Found it, my favorite translation, too, Maxwell Staniforth, on page 169 of this link. As follows:
A branch which has been partner of the tree's growth since the beginning, and has never ceased to share its life, is a different thing from one that has been grafted in again after a severance. As the gardeners say, it is of the same tree, but not of the same mind.*
What made me think of that Aurelius quote is that you and your sister are now very different people than you would have been had you spent time together during these years. And it's like that whole "blind men describing the elephant" thing where one man has hold of the tail and another has hold of the elephants trunk, vastly different ideas of what's going on. In the case of your sister and yourself, what happened then is very differently remembered, was very differently experienced even as it happened. Let her lead, and let her have her reality. She's not but ten years old, no need to rock her world with anything more than she might be ready for just now.
Last. You've got to have her adoptive fathers support here. No, not true -- you could probably do this with him not on board. But it'd be really different, and your sister would absolutely feel his anxiety and/or anger and at ten years old would maybe try to please him. Or maybe she'd try to please you. Either way, everybody loses. Be politically savvy here as you can, walk into this slowly; I'd think the slower you move into this, the better the result will be for all.
Good luck.
*Aurelius was writing here about a person who cut himself away from his fellows and not a situation such as your sisters. Still, that "of the same tree, but not of the same mind" just seems (to me) to be a good fit.
posted by dancestoblue at 7:41 PM on September 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Leonard Cohen
Presents can seem like bribes and maybe they even sometimes are but even so they show that you care, even if in a left-handed way. I'm not saying that this is the case, just that sometimes it can seem that way, sometimes it can *be* that way. And sometimes people are suspicious it's that way -- I'm thinking her of her adoptive father -- and be skeptical. Still, once meeting with you, that skepticism can be slowly worn thin.
Your sister, on the other hand, unless she's been bribed non-stop through her life, will likely accept any present in the spirit it's given.
So yeah, a present would be appropriate, I'd think. Maybe one for her father, too, her adoptive father, and a card, and take a long time thinking of what to write inside that card, to be honest to this man, yet not dismissive of yourself.
As to what to say, and how to act -- I remember coming back into my family, after being gone through formative years of my nephews and nieces, and my younger brother also, and just not knowing my way. I just had to let it unfold, was all. And I wasn't a part of their lives, I mean I hadn't been, and I couldn't expect them to just fold me in and show me their hearts or whatever. In time, that happened. It took some time.
Over time, everything becomes clear. She'll see you as who you are.
Marcus Aurelius has this one piece he wrote that I just love, he speaks about how when a branch is cut from a tree and then grafted back in, it is still of the tree yet not. I wish I could remember it verbatim -- it's perfectly apt here...
Found it, my favorite translation, too, Maxwell Staniforth, on page 169 of this link. As follows:
A branch which has been partner of the tree's growth since the beginning, and has never ceased to share its life, is a different thing from one that has been grafted in again after a severance. As the gardeners say, it is of the same tree, but not of the same mind.*
What made me think of that Aurelius quote is that you and your sister are now very different people than you would have been had you spent time together during these years. And it's like that whole "blind men describing the elephant" thing where one man has hold of the tail and another has hold of the elephants trunk, vastly different ideas of what's going on. In the case of your sister and yourself, what happened then is very differently remembered, was very differently experienced even as it happened. Let her lead, and let her have her reality. She's not but ten years old, no need to rock her world with anything more than she might be ready for just now.
Last. You've got to have her adoptive fathers support here. No, not true -- you could probably do this with him not on board. But it'd be really different, and your sister would absolutely feel his anxiety and/or anger and at ten years old would maybe try to please him. Or maybe she'd try to please you. Either way, everybody loses. Be politically savvy here as you can, walk into this slowly; I'd think the slower you move into this, the better the result will be for all.
Good luck.
*Aurelius was writing here about a person who cut himself away from his fellows and not a situation such as your sisters. Still, that "of the same tree, but not of the same mind" just seems (to me) to be a good fit.
posted by dancestoblue at 7:41 PM on September 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Once the hard part is over and a meeting is set up, bring your sister a packet of Silly Bandz and go out for milkshakes. It's the perfect 10 year old date.
posted by phunniemee at 8:07 PM on September 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by phunniemee at 8:07 PM on September 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
My instinct for what you should do, practically, when you meet her, is to keep fairly busy: take her somewhere like a movie or the zoo or whatever and you'll have non-family, non-serious stuff to talk about while you're breaking the ice.
It won't be very easy for either of you if you're just sitting looking at each other saying "So, how have you been..?".
So, maybe find out from her family what kind of activity she likes?
posted by AmbroseChapel at 8:09 PM on September 6, 2010
It won't be very easy for either of you if you're just sitting looking at each other saying "So, how have you been..?".
So, maybe find out from her family what kind of activity she likes?
posted by AmbroseChapel at 8:09 PM on September 6, 2010
I think you should be very open to her questions, which will probably be "what have you been up to," and maybe "why didn't you come and see me?" She's 10, so she's probably not going to be too diplomatic. And that's good. You can tell her a lot of honest things. I don't think you need to tell her you resented having to take care of her. But you can tell her you didn't know how to take care of her.
I think if you just be here and now with her, and say, "I've been missing you, but I've been scared you'd be mad at you," then that leaves her free to either say, "Well I am sort of mad," and you can apologize and be forgiven, or "I missed you too."
Take her to the zoo or some other place where there's something to do during the silences, if there are any, and be her sister, and it will probably work out. It's adults who complicate things unnecessarily.
As for a present, I'd consider giving her something that only you could give. Something that means you. It doesn't have to be expensive, it just has to be something only you could give her.
posted by musofire at 8:27 PM on September 6, 2010
I think if you just be here and now with her, and say, "I've been missing you, but I've been scared you'd be mad at you," then that leaves her free to either say, "Well I am sort of mad," and you can apologize and be forgiven, or "I missed you too."
Take her to the zoo or some other place where there's something to do during the silences, if there are any, and be her sister, and it will probably work out. It's adults who complicate things unnecessarily.
As for a present, I'd consider giving her something that only you could give. Something that means you. It doesn't have to be expensive, it just has to be something only you could give her.
posted by musofire at 8:27 PM on September 6, 2010
First, I would separate out your desire to reconnect with your sister from your relationship with your Dad. This should be about your desire, not his.
posted by k8t at 8:57 PM on September 6, 2010
posted by k8t at 8:57 PM on September 6, 2010
I'd email/write a letter like this:
"Dear Adoptive Father,
Thank you so much for being a father to Sister. I am so glad that she is loved and doing well in YourTown.
I want to apologize for being out of the picture for the last 4 years. As you know, our mom's death was very hard on me. The past few years haven't been easy for me and in addition to the distance between MyTown and YourTown, it has been a challenge for me to stay in contact with Sister.
Now, however, I'm living in NewTown and working a job (graduated college?) and I'd really like to reconnect with Sister.
Of course I defer to you as to how to go about this. I don't want to disrupt your lives.
I'd love to talk to you about this over the phone. My cell is xxx-xxx-xxxx. Please let me know when would be a good time to chat.
Thanks,
Anon."
posted by k8t at 9:06 PM on September 6, 2010 [3 favorites]
"Dear Adoptive Father,
Thank you so much for being a father to Sister. I am so glad that she is loved and doing well in YourTown.
I want to apologize for being out of the picture for the last 4 years. As you know, our mom's death was very hard on me. The past few years haven't been easy for me and in addition to the distance between MyTown and YourTown, it has been a challenge for me to stay in contact with Sister.
Now, however, I'm living in NewTown and working a job (graduated college?) and I'd really like to reconnect with Sister.
Of course I defer to you as to how to go about this. I don't want to disrupt your lives.
I'd love to talk to you about this over the phone. My cell is xxx-xxx-xxxx. Please let me know when would be a good time to chat.
Thanks,
Anon."
posted by k8t at 9:06 PM on September 6, 2010 [3 favorites]
I'm wondering about the circumstances surrounding your dad's surrender of parental rights. Was your dad stripped of parental rights? That's hard to do. (Where was your toddler sister when you were in school?) But anyway, if my suspicions are correct, and your dad did some pretty heart-stopping stuff during his drinking days, here's what I'd be thinking, if I were her adoptive father: I'd be perfectly happy for my daughter to see her sister, but I sure wouldn't want this becoming a thin end of the wedge for her biological dad to shove open the door.
So ... assure your sister's adoptive father that this is about your relationship with her, and that you won't use this renewed relationship to push her to try to see her biological father, or to try to convince her that your dad is really a good guy and that her adoptive father is all wrong about him. And then, don't. Let that be.
posted by palliser at 9:15 PM on September 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
So ... assure your sister's adoptive father that this is about your relationship with her, and that you won't use this renewed relationship to push her to try to see her biological father, or to try to convince her that your dad is really a good guy and that her adoptive father is all wrong about him. And then, don't. Let that be.
posted by palliser at 9:15 PM on September 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
I might start with a letter to your sister's adoptive father. This gives you the chance to very carefully plan what you want to say at first to him, and then you can end the letter with something like, I'll contact you soon if you choose not to call me, here is my number. Then follow up with the first phone call in a few days. A letter, done well, is both very concrete and non-threatening.
Since your sister is only 10, I'd work on cultivating a friendly relationship with her new dad at first. You don't want to have him worrying about his daughter in any way, so make sure that he knows how stable and healthy you are now. And, if it turns out that your sister doesn't want to see you now, or ends up not enjoying your first visit, being on the same page as her dad will give you a chance to try again, with his blessing. Besides, if things work out well, you'll likely be spending a good amount of time around this guy, so you'll want things to be comfortable and open.
Oh, and if you might like to bring your sister a present, I suggest stickers. I've never met a 10 year old who doesn't enjoy them; even the surliest ones have been pleased.
posted by Mizu at 9:15 PM on September 6, 2010
Since your sister is only 10, I'd work on cultivating a friendly relationship with her new dad at first. You don't want to have him worrying about his daughter in any way, so make sure that he knows how stable and healthy you are now. And, if it turns out that your sister doesn't want to see you now, or ends up not enjoying your first visit, being on the same page as her dad will give you a chance to try again, with his blessing. Besides, if things work out well, you'll likely be spending a good amount of time around this guy, so you'll want things to be comfortable and open.
Oh, and if you might like to bring your sister a present, I suggest stickers. I've never met a 10 year old who doesn't enjoy them; even the surliest ones have been pleased.
posted by Mizu at 9:15 PM on September 6, 2010
Also, assume the best about her adoptive family. I'd hope that they didn't talk shit about your dad.
posted by k8t at 9:16 PM on September 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by k8t at 9:16 PM on September 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
You have an amazing gift for your sister, BTW. You had years with your Mom (and Dad). You can tell her about your parents.
Be careful not to idealize them though. She's at an impressionable age and tales of the Mom she never knew could have a major impact on her.
In fact, I'd spend some time, if at all possible, speaking with a professional to help you frame/tailor your stories about your parents as to share with her.
posted by k8t at 9:19 PM on September 6, 2010
Be careful not to idealize them though. She's at an impressionable age and tales of the Mom she never knew could have a major impact on her.
In fact, I'd spend some time, if at all possible, speaking with a professional to help you frame/tailor your stories about your parents as to share with her.
posted by k8t at 9:19 PM on September 6, 2010
I'd remember that many people who have gone through such trauma as comes with the death of one parent, breakdown of another, foster care and changes of caregivers, even when that doesn't include separation from an older sister/mother substitute, can be left with significant gaps in their memory, especially of things that happened before age six or before the time when their lives became stable.
She might not remember you very much and what she remembers might surprise you. I recently had a long-delayed heart-to-heart with my own sister (I've never lost touch with her) who is seven years younger and I was astonished at how different her memories of shared events in our childhood are from mine. The resentment I was sure she felt at my leaving her at home to fight her own battles did not seem to exist. She remembered things I did for her I had completely forgotten and did not remember my ever being cross with her and I promise you, I was.
I agree with the suggestions that you talk to a professional to prepare yourself not only for the best approach to the situation but for the kinds of unexpected responses you might encounter.
Mental preparation might include paring down your expectations for this meeting and having a single goal such as simply getting in touch with your sister again.
I wish you the very best reunion with your sister and a long and happy future that includes her.
posted by Anitanola at 1:42 AM on September 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
She might not remember you very much and what she remembers might surprise you. I recently had a long-delayed heart-to-heart with my own sister (I've never lost touch with her) who is seven years younger and I was astonished at how different her memories of shared events in our childhood are from mine. The resentment I was sure she felt at my leaving her at home to fight her own battles did not seem to exist. She remembered things I did for her I had completely forgotten and did not remember my ever being cross with her and I promise you, I was.
I agree with the suggestions that you talk to a professional to prepare yourself not only for the best approach to the situation but for the kinds of unexpected responses you might encounter.
Mental preparation might include paring down your expectations for this meeting and having a single goal such as simply getting in touch with your sister again.
I wish you the very best reunion with your sister and a long and happy future that includes her.
posted by Anitanola at 1:42 AM on September 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
I would include a statement that sisters are important, and although we have been out of touch for a long time, I don't ever want to be out of touch with you again. We are sisters forever.
posted by grizzled at 6:07 AM on September 7, 2010
posted by grizzled at 6:07 AM on September 7, 2010
I'm a foster mom who's about to adopt the child I've been fostering. While I can't answer for your sister's dad, maybe I can help you understand how many adoptive parents may respond to your desire to see your sister. In general, we believe that a bond between siblings is very important to maintain. For the sake of this response, I'll use "dad" to refer to your sister's adoptive parent and "father" to refer to your sister's biological parent.
First, let me recommend you go back and look again at the sample letter k8t suggested above. It's a great way to approach the situation. I'd start with a letter and not a call because it allows the dad time to consider your request and form his response without having to do it on the fly and under pressure. I would also include many of the details you posted in your question, especially the fact that you've gone to counseling to work on your resentment for your previous situation. Feel free to mention that you've reestablished contact with your father but stress that you will respect the no contact order. Ask for an opportunity to begin visits with your sister. Stress that it will be just you; not your father attending the visit at the time and place of the dad's choosing.
Anticipate that dad will be hesitant and wary because he loves your sister and wants to protect her from getting hurt again. However, he will recognize the importance of your role in your sister's live and the need for her to have a relationship with you. Don't demand that your first visit just be you and your sister. You're going to need to establish a relationship with dad and help him come to trust you as well. He's not the enemy, he just wants to make sure your sister is safe and able to leave if she starts stressing or responding poorly to the visit. As a parent, he's going to want to cushion your sister's re-entrance into a relationship with you a bit. He should recognize that you're not to blame for any of the situation and he should be responsive and understanding about where you were for the last few years. Being a teen is hard. Being a teen while trying to recover from what you have survived is tremendously hard. He loves your sister and will recognize that you do too.
When you do arrange a visit, and I believe you will, I would ask dad if you can bring your sister a gift. Tell him what you want to bring her and why you want to give it to her. Please, let me suggest that the gift be either a picture of the two of you as kids and/or pictures of her with your mother. Because of the no contact order, I would hold off on sharing pictures of father until dad grants approval. However, pictures of your sister's early childhood, the two of you together and of your mother will become VERY important to her.
Be open to questions from both of them. Set yourself and your sister up for success.
--Do not make promises you cannot or will not keep. If you cannot commit to monthly visits, don't. If you can commit to calling in two weeks, do. Schedule your visits out one at a time.
--Do not promise gifts and do not tell her of gifts before hand. Ask dad if you can give her X before you do so. This way she'll be surprised when you do give her something and not disappointed if you don't.
--Be respectful towards dad because he is the key to accessing your sister. Even if you disagree with a household rule, it is their house and the rule is there for a reason. Remember he loves your sister too. He's been the one to listen to her and support her when she's asked about her history or missed you.
Finally, don't expect that dad has spoken poorly about you or your father. We're trained to be as generous about our kids' birth families as is honestly possible. Your father may have been addressed in terms of "needing help" or "being ill". Questions about you may have been addressed in terms of "being confused or hurting too." It is really hard to guess on this point because it depends so much upon what your sister knows of her history, what dad knows of her history, and what is truthful without painting people to be monsters. Sometimes, the only answer we can provide our kids is "I'm sorry you're hurting but I don't know why..."
Good luck! Take it slow. You've got years ahead of you. Hold onto your bravery as you go forward with this. You are BRAVE for doing this and I send you hugs and luck.
posted by onhazier at 6:32 AM on September 7, 2010 [6 favorites]
First, let me recommend you go back and look again at the sample letter k8t suggested above. It's a great way to approach the situation. I'd start with a letter and not a call because it allows the dad time to consider your request and form his response without having to do it on the fly and under pressure. I would also include many of the details you posted in your question, especially the fact that you've gone to counseling to work on your resentment for your previous situation. Feel free to mention that you've reestablished contact with your father but stress that you will respect the no contact order. Ask for an opportunity to begin visits with your sister. Stress that it will be just you; not your father attending the visit at the time and place of the dad's choosing.
Anticipate that dad will be hesitant and wary because he loves your sister and wants to protect her from getting hurt again. However, he will recognize the importance of your role in your sister's live and the need for her to have a relationship with you. Don't demand that your first visit just be you and your sister. You're going to need to establish a relationship with dad and help him come to trust you as well. He's not the enemy, he just wants to make sure your sister is safe and able to leave if she starts stressing or responding poorly to the visit. As a parent, he's going to want to cushion your sister's re-entrance into a relationship with you a bit. He should recognize that you're not to blame for any of the situation and he should be responsive and understanding about where you were for the last few years. Being a teen is hard. Being a teen while trying to recover from what you have survived is tremendously hard. He loves your sister and will recognize that you do too.
When you do arrange a visit, and I believe you will, I would ask dad if you can bring your sister a gift. Tell him what you want to bring her and why you want to give it to her. Please, let me suggest that the gift be either a picture of the two of you as kids and/or pictures of her with your mother. Because of the no contact order, I would hold off on sharing pictures of father until dad grants approval. However, pictures of your sister's early childhood, the two of you together and of your mother will become VERY important to her.
Be open to questions from both of them. Set yourself and your sister up for success.
--Do not make promises you cannot or will not keep. If you cannot commit to monthly visits, don't. If you can commit to calling in two weeks, do. Schedule your visits out one at a time.
--Do not promise gifts and do not tell her of gifts before hand. Ask dad if you can give her X before you do so. This way she'll be surprised when you do give her something and not disappointed if you don't.
--Be respectful towards dad because he is the key to accessing your sister. Even if you disagree with a household rule, it is their house and the rule is there for a reason. Remember he loves your sister too. He's been the one to listen to her and support her when she's asked about her history or missed you.
Finally, don't expect that dad has spoken poorly about you or your father. We're trained to be as generous about our kids' birth families as is honestly possible. Your father may have been addressed in terms of "needing help" or "being ill". Questions about you may have been addressed in terms of "being confused or hurting too." It is really hard to guess on this point because it depends so much upon what your sister knows of her history, what dad knows of her history, and what is truthful without painting people to be monsters. Sometimes, the only answer we can provide our kids is "I'm sorry you're hurting but I don't know why..."
Good luck! Take it slow. You've got years ahead of you. Hold onto your bravery as you go forward with this. You are BRAVE for doing this and I send you hugs and luck.
posted by onhazier at 6:32 AM on September 7, 2010 [6 favorites]
Anon, I meant to add that you may feel free to MeMail me if I can be of any support to you as you move forward.
posted by onhazier at 6:34 AM on September 7, 2010
posted by onhazier at 6:34 AM on September 7, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
The only way you'll know how adoptive-dad will handle this is to call him. I don't know that there is ever the "right" thing to say in this situation. First contact is often the hardest part. You might not have the perfect words to say but I bet he'll recognize the sincerity and hopefulness in your voice. Let him help you figure out how to reunite with her in the best way and whether you should bring a present, avoid talking about the past, etc.
Building trust and rebuilding your relationship with your sister will take time. Make the call!
posted by loquat at 6:26 PM on September 6, 2010