Asking ex-wife to change her name

August 19, 2010 3:34 PM

Can I, should I, dare I ask my ex-wife to stop using my last name?

Ok - my side of the sordid story: had an acrimonious (no kids) divorce after I discovered her cheating on me (the Facebook straw that finally broke the back of a crippled relationship) - I got left with a heap of debt, major loss of self-esteem and her cats. I recently found out that she is still using my last name despite my requests during the divorce that she change it (she agreed - verbally only). When we got married, she asked to take my name as she never liked her maiden name (big big family issues) - I did not have a preference either way and agreed.

With nearly two years of soul-searching and therapy to recover from this shattering experience, I've moved on - I have an amazing girlfriend and still have the cats - my non-judgemental pals through thick and thin. Life is never as bad when you have a purring cat on your chest...

But - just found out ex-wife still uses my name. Despite all I've done to get over her, this little thing grates on me. I cannot understand why someone who cheated on me and declared her utter disgust for me would want to hang on to my name. I don't want her to use it.

Yes - in legal terms it is her name and, to be fair, changing names is a pain. More so as she works in a professional environment where publications are linked to her name. I also know it has no practical effect on me as we have *zero* contact. Nevertheless, I'm really uncomfortable with her continuing to use my name.

I suspect any request, no matter how carefully I word it, would be ignored or be the inducement for a torrent of abuse. My sense is that I'm SOL and should just keep my distance & continue to enjoy my new life free of her toxicity. By writing this out, I've pretty much argued myself out of doing anything but what does the hive mind think? Should I act on a matter of principle or keep this Pandora's box locked and buried in the deepest place possible?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (49 answers total)

I would suggest making an effort (in whatever way works best for you ) to let it go.
posted by Nabubrush at 3:35 PM on August 19, 2010 [19 favorites]

Unless it's an exceedingly rare surname, she has the same last name as millions of other people whom she, in likelihood, feels indifferent towards. Same for you.

In other words: it's just a name. (But it is weird that she's clinging to it. I think you're right about the professional reasons.) I wouldn't say anything, lest she keep it out of spite.
posted by supercres at 3:38 PM on August 19, 2010 [6 favorites]

Nope, you don't get to decide what she calls herself.

Sorry. I understand that it hurts, but this may not be the most productive place to focus your energy, as you say yourself:

and should just keep my distance & continue to enjoy my new life free of her toxicity.
posted by bilabial at 3:39 PM on August 19, 2010 [2 favorites]

I think this is just something that you have to let go. It's a significantly more involved process to change a name outside of marriage or divorce.
posted by Zophi at 3:41 PM on August 19, 2010

If you have *zero* contact, perhaps try the best you can to let go of this. I am surprised that she wants to keep it, but then... this is a woman who cheated on you and may not have a finely-tuned conscience.

Your options here seem to be to request that she discontinue using your name and invite abuse, or to let it go and live your new life free of her toxicity. I'm sure the latter is much, much more valuable to you and your amazing new girlfriend - who perhaps might take your last name some day and make you forget that your ex ever existed. :) And heaven forbid, if you should ever be asked whether you know Ms. Ex-so-and-so, you can say with utmost conviction, "Absolutely no relation."

Congrats on making it through the harrowing experience that is a divorce, and may you find much happiness going forward!
posted by Everydayville at 3:44 PM on August 19, 2010 [1 favorite]

IANAL, but because it wasn't decreed in your divorce, she's got no oligation whether to change her name back. But I think you might want to change your stance from 'Dare I ask' to something more assertive, even confrontational, if it bothers you this much? You don't owe her any deference. If she says no, then yes, you're SOL and Nabubrush's advice is good.
posted by nj_subgenius at 3:46 PM on August 19, 2010

Nah, let it go. I'm not a vindictive person, and I am happily married (oh, and I kept my name, so basically none of this applies to me), but if I had an ex-husband who asked me to stop using my/his married name, believe me, everyone I ever knew would hear about it. Because it's kind of hilariously petty (no offense).

If I recall correctly, Joe Montana was roundly mocked in the media for attempting to SUE his ex-wife to make her change her name. A person just can't do that and come out looking good. Good luck to you.
posted by peep at 3:47 PM on August 19, 2010 [4 favorites]

Should I act on a matter of principle or keep this Pandora's box locked and buried in the deepest place possible?

False dichotomy! "Letting go" of this concern (New Agey as that language can so easily seem) is very different to keeping it "locked and buried". You don't need to try to force yourself not to think about it; you need to gradually be able to think about it without all the emotional reactivity. Easier said than done, of course, but you sound like you've a good head on your shoulders. ("Read some books on Buddhism" is the glib version of the next step re: letting go, if you couldn't guess.)
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 3:49 PM on August 19, 2010 [5 favorites]

I think it's kind of charming that you feel so much ownership over "your" surname. (Please let it not be Smith.)

I, too, had a horrific divorce experience. She never remarried and, 30 years later, still uses "my" surname.

I couldn't care less.

In case that helps.
posted by Short Attention Sp at 3:51 PM on August 19, 2010

I'm pretty sure that your last name is probably not unique, so it doesn't belong to you. What you're really angry about is the cheating, and you want to be scrubbed of every link she has to you. In the end, you have to get over it. You have unresolved feelings about her cheating on you, despite your having moved on. And she'll probably change her name after she gets remarried. I'm sure if she's as disgusted by you as you say you are, it's no picnic for her to have the same last name as you. That being said, it's just a last name and it's not as though you invented it. Keep on with the therapy and you'll be fine.
posted by anniecat at 3:54 PM on August 19, 2010 [2 favorites]

Is the problem that she has your name? Or that you and she share a name, though you no longer want to be connected to her?

If it's the former, well, I guess you've proven that there's power in names, and she might have motivations to keep her current name that don't involve you. You can ask, but she's not really obliged to comply. And she's proven that she has her own interests in mind and has very little sensitivity to yours. So just try to forget about it (and stay away from Facebook).

If it's the latter, and you just don't want the same name as hers, you could change yours.
posted by mudpuppie at 3:58 PM on August 19, 2010 [2 favorites]

I understand why it bothers you, but I agree that you should find a way to make peace with it and return to focusing on your awesome new life (which, by the way, go you). Chances are, as you suggested, she has kept it for professional reasons, and that's a fairly common occurrence.
posted by katemcd at 4:00 PM on August 19, 2010

Think of it as a small price to pay for those furry little purring antitoxins on your chest. You got the cats, dude. Who cares what she calls herself?
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:07 PM on August 19, 2010 [22 favorites]

Yeah, I wouldn't ask her. She knows what you want and she's either keeping it out of spite (in which case she'll enjoy knowing that it still bothers you) or she has a reason for wanting to keep it and will resent you badgering her for what amounts to a favor. And if she's the abusive/angry/dramatic type, that will be all the excuse she needs to start some shit.

There are probably thousands of people with your last name, some of whom are as awful as your as your ex and worse, and none of whom are related to you. Your ex is just another shitty non-relative who happens to have the same last name. Just remind yourself of that when you feel irritated and eventually you'll get to a place where it doesn't bother you any more.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 4:10 PM on August 19, 2010

Changing ones name is a HUGE hassle. She already did it for you once, why should she do it for you again?
posted by Jacqueline at 4:11 PM on August 19, 2010 [3 favorites]

She can legally keep your name, get her maiden name back, or basically change it to anything else she wants through the legal system. You can't force her not to use the name so I guess if it bothers you so much to share a name with her, YOU could always legally change your last name to something else...
posted by MsKim at 4:20 PM on August 19, 2010 [1 favorite]

I would ask her strongly to stop using your name. Remind her what she said. Ask her why she still wants to use it when she has such disdain for you. Be aggressive. What do you have to lose? Abuse? Meh. Hang up on her if she starts in. Ignore her emails. Unless you are not capable of ignoring and avoiding whatever crap she sends your way, you have nothing to lose by trying. It might make you feel better. You are being assertive about your feelings. In any written correspondence, I would use her maiden name. Address any mail to her as ex-wife first name, Maiden name.

I do think she has every right to tell you to drop, but standing up for your feelings rather than stewing and Just getting over it makes more sense to me in the short and long run. If she says no, you will know that you tried.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 4:20 PM on August 19, 2010

Speaking as someone who (as far as she can tell) shares her name with less than ten people in the whole of the US - it's not your name she's using, its hers. Names aren't excludable. I'm sorry you have this ugly history with her; please forget the name thing.

For what its worth, my mother changed her name after the first divorce but not the second one (she changed THAT after the third wedding.)
posted by SMPA at 4:25 PM on August 19, 2010 [1 favorite]

Names are really powerful, and her continued use of "your" name must really grate, since it implies to people who are just meeting you and her that you share a powerful bond. That stinks, since no, you don't really have a leg to stand on when asking her to stop using it. That is, until she finds some other poor sucker's identity to absorb.
That said, you don't have to let this bother you powerfully, if you can focus on the things that come with the name that she didn't get. Your name comes with a past, and a social group, and skills. She doesn't get your cousins who make the best scones ever. She doesn't get the legacy of humor, strength, or fancy drink mixin' that comes from being a member of your family. She steps away with the merest shell of your identity, and not with what makes it great. So, let it go and give those cats some scratchies!
posted by pickypicky at 4:32 PM on August 19, 2010 [2 favorites]

My ex changed her name and went back to maiden name, without my asking. I had fun asking which name she preferred when I made out an alimony check. Hey. If she disliked you and cheated, let her be dumb enugh to carry your name as her scarlet letter.
posted by Postroad at 4:32 PM on August 19, 2010 [7 favorites]

You keep referring to it as your name. But you know what? It's her name too. Kinda reminded me of this question. I can sympathize that it grates due to the circumstances of your divorce, but you don't have a say in what she calls herself, sorry.
posted by meerkatty at 4:35 PM on August 19, 2010 [1 favorite]

ask my ex-wife to stop using my last name?

I'm really uncomfortable with her continuing to use my name.

Ah, but it is equally her last name. It became her name the second she changed it, and it is 100% hers to decide to keep or change again, no matter how amicable or toxic your split may be. She didn't borrow it from you; it's not a favor or a book that she's obliged to return. It's every bit as much her name as it is yours, regardless of the fact you were born with it and she acquired it through marriage.

Of course, I don't blame you for this being difficult and grating right now under the circumstances. The thing to keep in mind is that you can move on in a positive, healthy way no matter what she calls herself now or in the future. (By the same token, making her change her name wouldn't be any guarantee of being able to move on any faster or in a happier fashion.) That's the matter of principle I think will be most satisfying and useful for you to focus on.
posted by scody at 4:42 PM on August 19, 2010 [10 favorites]

This happened to my ex-husband! I am STILL using his name. Here's why!

1. Maiden name belongs to my father. My father was an alcoholic, abusive, evil man.

2. Whoops, had a first husband, had a kid! But it would be extra odd if I went back to that name, right? I made it my middle name when I married...

3. Husband number two. Name is long, hard to spell, hard to pronounce. But! I earned it, right?

I would love to drop his name, but what for? Not my maiden name, for a whole host of reasons, most of all the association with a man that I would rather not be associated with.

Solution! Ex-husband changed his name. (For real.)

The end. Good luck, coz you can't 'make' her do anything and this is something you'll just have to live with.

Until she remarries, that is.
posted by kidelo at 4:52 PM on August 19, 2010 [5 favorites]

I'm curious how you know she's still using "your" last name if you have "*zero* contact" with her. Sure, there could be a zillion reasons that are all very reasonable, but are you sure it's not because you seek info about her out? Perhaps you do still have unresolved issues about her cheating on you and hanging onto this name usage of her's is your mind's "excuse" to keep tabs on her. FWIW, I would forget the woman even exists.
posted by InsertNiftyNameHere at 5:06 PM on August 19, 2010

I cannot understand why someone who cheated on me and declared her utter disgust for me would want to hang on to my name

You said it above. She has a negative association with her maiden name.

You have a negative association with her sharing a name with you but odds are that doesn't matter much to her. In a just world using that name would remind her of her transgression and make her feel shame. But the world ain't always just.

I don't know if that makes it better or worse for you, that she's probably using it without it meaning anything to her other than it not being the name she was happy to jettison. But you are pretty much powerless to do anything to make her change it.
posted by phearlez at 5:09 PM on August 19, 2010

She already did it for you once, why should she do it for you again?

OP clearly stated that the ex-wife asked and wanted to change her last name.


That said, I just don't think it would be worth your time and energy OP. It sounds like you're much better off continuing the zero contact plan, and working on letting it go.
posted by grapesaresour at 5:10 PM on August 19, 2010 [1 favorite]

Repeating what others have said: while she may have changed her name to match yours, it is her name, and she gets to decide what to do with it.
posted by ocherdraco at 5:10 PM on August 19, 2010 [2 favorites]

Think of her as being "the FORMER Mrs. anonymous." You'd use your name to call her that, right?
posted by hermitosis at 5:45 PM on August 19, 2010

Speaking from someone in a profession where publications are common, changing one's last name (as per many of my newly married friends) seems to be a hotly debated topic. Most women I've met, if considering changing their name, feel distressed that they may not 'get credit' (rightly or wrongly) for these. I strongly suspect this may be a large reason for your ex-wife to want to keep hers.

That being said, names are only that. Go forward with your new (and better) life, and don't waste energy hanging on to this.

Good luck!
posted by msrobinson at 6:04 PM on August 19, 2010

Sure, go ahead and ask. It will cost you, what, a few minutes to send her a letter/email/phone call and 44cents/1 few pennies/25 cents.

Here's what you'll get in return: no action, lip service, aggravation, and no doubt several days of recovery.

So is that what you really want?

A name change is an option that comes along with marriage. It's like the free trip to the salad bar that comes with your steak dinner. You chose not to get the salad. She did.
posted by plinth at 6:26 PM on August 19, 2010 [6 favorites]

Fixing to be an ex myself (long time separation, but cost and soon to be ex was causing problems) and I'm even living with my future husband and have been for several years.

Current soon to be ex called me and told me he is ready to finally get the actual divorce because he's found someone he wants to marry. While I'm very tempted to draw this thing out for years just to show him how frustrating it is, I won't sink to his level. Anyway, she (his new girlfriend) told him to tell me that she wants to be the ONLY Mrs. Surname. Well, she'll get over it.

Point is that though I left soon to be ex (Smith) and I'll marry new man (Jones), I'll still be Mrs. Smith-Jones. My problem are the kids. It's easier if I still carry the surname. It doesn't have anything at all to do with the soon to be ex, it's just the situation.

I know your situation has been a bad one and I am so sorry that marriages turn out so ugly. Just try your best to move on and try to remember the happier times.

Good luck to you.
posted by magnoliasouth at 6:30 PM on August 19, 2010

I was thinking about this question since my initial answer, and it occurs to me that maybe I have some more anecdotal info. When I got divorced, my wife kept my surname/her new last name. I then got remarried, and changed the whole shmear. She then got remarried and took his name. She then got divorced, and went back to the interim name (my old surname). Try not to let the name thing bug you. It's really just letters.

Also, changing your name isn't really that big a deal. When I changed it, it was relatively easy (at least in Portland).
posted by Nabubrush at 7:11 PM on August 19, 2010

Unless you work in the same field, then you can just ignore her. A year from now, maybe she still uses your surname. Maybe she's using her maiden name. Maybe she's changed her surname to Luxury Yacht. If you just keep ignoring her existence, you'll never know.

I wouldn't bring it up with her.

For one thing, you can't bring it up with her without contacting her, and it's hard to ignore the existence of someone you're talking to.

For another, if I were your nasty cheating-on-you ex who you'd had an acrimonious divorce with, I could think of no greater inducement to keep using your name, even if I hated it, than knowing that doing so pissed you off. Mwuhahaha, etc.

So just leave it alone. And no, there's no matter of principle here. She can call herself whatever she wants, except to defraud others. Just like you can.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:48 PM on August 19, 2010 [3 favorites]

I think it's a good rule of thumb to never, ever voluntarily re-initiate contact with toxic people, except in matters of life or death (and maybe not even then.).
posted by granted at 8:14 PM on August 19, 2010 [2 favorites]

You should let it go. Furthermore, you should distance yourself from your ex-wife 100%. No looking her up on facebook. No googling her. No texting. No phone. No contact, period.

Even more than just letting it go: you should ask yourself why it bothers you in the first place. Maybe you're thinking "It's really not her last name. It's mine." So what?

Keep in mind that
A: It *IS* in fact her last name now.
B: You didn't create the name. Others (your parents, really) gave it to you.
C: So what?

Best of luck moving on. You've still got a ways to go, but don't take that as a criticism. The truth is, we're all always learning, growing and changing, and we will continue to until the day we die. The trick is to make those changes more good than bad. Dwelling on what name your ex uses is bad. Let it go. Letting go of things that don't matter is good :) Again, best of luck to you.
posted by 2oh1 at 8:29 PM on August 19, 2010

After my divorce, I changed my name back to my maiden (even though I had negative associations with my maiden name) for the emotional reasons.

- Applying to jobs where they actually confirm my employment history is a pain.
- Explaining the awards I've won in my industry are actually me, even though the last name is different.
- Changing every single account: Did you know you have to send certified court papers to PayPal to change your name? That Open Table will never change your name? That even if you change your credit cards, the bank still lists all the accounts under your old name?

Being emotionally connected to you might actually be less of a pain for a shorter period of time than the tangible pain of changing it.

Let it go the best you can. If she's a cheating/lying/whatever, she's not doing it to irk you. She's doing it to not irk her.
posted by Gucky at 8:38 PM on August 19, 2010 [1 favorite]

Just tell her "I'm glad you're still using my name. It makes me feel like I will always own you.".
Works every time.
posted by w0mbat at 9:18 PM on August 19, 2010 [7 favorites]

How I would summarize this thread: she has the right to keep it as it's now "her" name as much as "yours," but the decision about whether to ask anyway depends on whether you feel like you have nothing to lose by asking (e.g., Johnny Gunn) or you feel that the peace of mind that you'd lose is significant (e.g., granted, Serene Empress Dork). It sounds like you fall significantly in that second camp. What I would add is that it's interesting that it bothers you, and maybe if you think about why that is for awhile, from your perspective (ie, not from a her-focused perspective like "because she sucks"), you could get behind/inside that immediate reaction and defuse it.
posted by salvia at 10:12 PM on August 19, 2010

Falls in the "do not engage" category: You've done the work, it's over. Do not reopen the wound to take this microscopic irritant out. The aggravation you are experiencing now will come back to you threefold as she proceeds to ignore/flout your stated preference, plus now there will be an open channel between you and someone you really, really don't want back in your life. Hands OFF!

If it helps, your ex's hanging on to the name originally probably has zero to do with you, and says volumes about how she feels about her previous family. Plus the inconvenience factor. Definitely there's some inconvenience to weigh in changing a name.
posted by Ys at 10:25 PM on August 19, 2010

If you were so inclined, you could change your name.
posted by IndigoRain at 11:29 PM on August 19, 2010

Let go, or get dragged. In many of life's difficult situations, these can be your only 2 choices.
posted by allkindsoftime at 1:55 AM on August 20, 2010 [1 favorite]

I hated my maiden name and my father, so I used the opportunity of marriage to cheaply change my surname to a very nice, bland, ordinary, easy to spell surname. Should my husband cark it or leg it, I'm holding on it, cos it's a nice easy name. No difference here to any earlier commenters. However, my husband's surname has only been in his family since his grandfather changed his name from a German surname, because of being put in a POW camp as a 4 year old, in WW2. So it's not really his name either.

Except, of course, it is. Names are really ephemeral things. They're not embedded in your DNA and they have no relevance as a label. You might say "I never met a bloke called Kevin that I liked" but that would be weird, because why would someone's name affect how they behave. And then turn it around: it's your name yeah, and a thousand million other people (okay, maybe not that many) and what they do doesn't matter to you, so pretend she took on their name, rather than yours. There's no way to tell from now on that she was connected to you and not another Mr Anonymous, one of whom might have been her father.
posted by b33j at 2:10 AM on August 20, 2010

Seconding beej -- pretend that she's taken the name of any one of a thousand people who have it. And let it go.
posted by alternateuniverse at 2:35 AM on August 20, 2010

I kept my ex-husband's surname when we divorced for several reasons:

- Both parents had died many years earlier, and I'd had little contact with them after the age of 16 anyway, so no sentimental attachment to my maiden name.

- first name + maiden name came to just two syllables, and it was often difficult to get my name over to people, particularly on the telephone.

- first name + married name is 4 syllables - there's a theory I read somewhere that the easiest names to remember are those with 4 syllables (e.g. Oprah Winfrey/Sarah Palin) or 5 syllables (Eleanor Rigby/Barack Obama). I never have difficulty with people understanding my name over the phone.

- When my husband and I split up, I'd been known by his surname for 11 years and it was on all my professional qualifications.

- He didn't give a hoot.

What's interesting is that having my ex-husband's surname leads to people making assumptions about my ethnic origin, and when I point out that I'm not, in fact, Irish they are always surprised and say "But you don't look Jewish!"
posted by essexjan at 3:39 AM on August 20, 2010

Peep: If I recall correctly, Joe Montana was roundly mocked in the media for attempting to SUE his ex-wife to make her change her name. A person just can't do that and come out looking good. Good luck to you.

OTOH, and my memory is a bit fuzzy here, Bianca Jagger was the one who got it in the neck from the popular press for "shamelessly" hanging on to her famous surname long after the divorce. (Though she had her very vocal defenders too).

But I can't recall whether Mick ever expressed an opinion either way. [Wiki enshrines her apparently notorious quote: "My marriage ended on my wedding day..."]
posted by Jody Tresidder at 8:25 AM on August 20, 2010

A friend of mine is still using her ex husband's name. She does it because she wrote academic papers with that name, and will continue to publish in the future. She is marrying her fiance in March. She will still be using the name of her ex-husband after that. It is, for her, orders of magnitude more convenient to keep it than to get rid of it.

Her ex-husband doesn't get a say, because although she got the name via marriage it in no way belongs to him. It's her name, and she gets to decide.
posted by vbfg at 9:01 AM on August 20, 2010

As someone who also went through an acrimonious no-kids divorce (though she took the cats): no, there is no way to get her to do this, and there is really no reason why she should apart from sparing your feelings (which, let's face it, is low on her list of priorities), so you pretty much have to move on and try to forget it. Now that you have an amazing girlfriend, that shouldn't be too hard. (Note: "nearly two years" is not enough time to get over a divorce, which is right up there with death of loved ones on the list of life stresses. Trust me, in a few more years you won't care.)
posted by languagehat at 9:11 AM on August 20, 2010

Just an anecdote: I too kept my first husband's last name when we divorced, because (a) I hated my maiden name and was teased for it a lot as a kid, making me dread telling it to anyone; and (b) I had only used my husband's name professionally. It had nothing to do with wanting to remain bound to him in anyway, nor with being spiteful. It actually never even occurred to me that he would feel possessive of the name. FWIW, I remarried a few years later and took my new husband's name. Can't imagine I wouldn't keep it if we split up.
posted by justonegirl at 2:47 PM on August 20, 2010

I'll begin this by saying I'm not intending to bring up bad associations for the many posters who are actually in your ex-wife's position. I can also by cynical, grudging, and misanthropic.

That said, could you re-frame your thinking about this matter? Your horrid ex-wife mistreated you like horrid ex-wives do, thinking she'd get off scott-free. But -- HAHA -- she published under your name papers with which she wants to keep an association, and is now forced by convenience to keep a name with which she apparently would prefer no association.

If she finds you as disgusting as she claimed, you may be able to find solace in the fact that she gets a little reinforcement shock every time she has put her signature (with YOUR surname) on anything. I dunno, if someone claimed I disgusted them and treated me like shit, I'd kind of relish the fact that they had now had a daily, legally-binding reminder of their one-time attachment to me, which they cannot easily get rid of. Kind of like if a cheating ex had to walk around with a "Hoperaiseshell forever" tattoo or go through painful laser therapy to remove it.

But in all likelihood, that's just me.
posted by hoperaiseshell at 4:01 PM on August 20, 2010 [1 favorite]