Too much agony over simple essays.
August 16, 2010 2:03 AM Subscribe
Because of the death of my mother just before finals I have an extension on three essays from one class-- that I've put off the entire summer. Should I brace myself and write them, or do I tell the professor that I just want the last semester to disappear even if I receive an F grade?
Asking the Hivemind seems the closest I can get to asking for Mum's own opinion, so here is the scenario:
Mother noticeably started to waste away while I was in high school, and with hindsight I can tell it ruined my health while I was already stressed at college. Being the Dutiful Daughter up until college, I ended up avoiding her because I knew she would die soon and... didn't want to see it any more. But I lived an hour away and wanted to help, so when last semester came I was a guilty wreck; not studying well, not sleeping, eating almost nothing. Almost none of my friends knew, and none of my professors were told until after her death, I am so adamant about keeping bad news to myself.
So here is this Religions class. My studying, when I'm not desperately distracting myself by being with friends, is focused on another class so I don't review its material much. It's taught by a professor who didn't teach the material well. My notes frequently have whole sections that are incomprehensible because I fell asleep during the lecture due to my inability to sleep. The readings were often esoteric and poorly connected [I felt] to the lectures.
TL;DR: It was either one of the worst classes I've taken, or I couldn't make it any better at the time.
I returned in time for finals, and the professor was very understanding. She granted the entire summer to finish the final papers-- 9 to 12 pages at most. They should be easy! I have adequate notes!
But they aren't. I am horrendous at writing essays-- not for beginning them, but for writing them well. Connecting the ideas into a cohesive and interesting essay doesn't happen without spending more hours than I want to admit. I'll pursue my art degree to avoid them. What's worse, Mother was a "traditional" English major and was strict about having work done and proofread before play. I echo her at most opportunities, as does my own (more successful) older brother. But here, here I haven't followed her advice or my own and it feels shameful.
I don't need the credit-- it's been fulfilled three times over. I don't obsess over my GPA since it's and will be, should I receive the F grade, adequately high. The friend who saw me through the worst of the ordeal, who was literally by my side as I fell apart, advises that for my emotional health I look to the future.
What say you?
Asking the Hivemind seems the closest I can get to asking for Mum's own opinion, so here is the scenario:
Mother noticeably started to waste away while I was in high school, and with hindsight I can tell it ruined my health while I was already stressed at college. Being the Dutiful Daughter up until college, I ended up avoiding her because I knew she would die soon and... didn't want to see it any more. But I lived an hour away and wanted to help, so when last semester came I was a guilty wreck; not studying well, not sleeping, eating almost nothing. Almost none of my friends knew, and none of my professors were told until after her death, I am so adamant about keeping bad news to myself.
So here is this Religions class. My studying, when I'm not desperately distracting myself by being with friends, is focused on another class so I don't review its material much. It's taught by a professor who didn't teach the material well. My notes frequently have whole sections that are incomprehensible because I fell asleep during the lecture due to my inability to sleep. The readings were often esoteric and poorly connected [I felt] to the lectures.
TL;DR: It was either one of the worst classes I've taken, or I couldn't make it any better at the time.
I returned in time for finals, and the professor was very understanding. She granted the entire summer to finish the final papers-- 9 to 12 pages at most. They should be easy! I have adequate notes!
But they aren't. I am horrendous at writing essays-- not for beginning them, but for writing them well. Connecting the ideas into a cohesive and interesting essay doesn't happen without spending more hours than I want to admit. I'll pursue my art degree to avoid them. What's worse, Mother was a "traditional" English major and was strict about having work done and proofread before play. I echo her at most opportunities, as does my own (more successful) older brother. But here, here I haven't followed her advice or my own and it feels shameful.
I don't need the credit-- it's been fulfilled three times over. I don't obsess over my GPA since it's and will be, should I receive the F grade, adequately high. The friend who saw me through the worst of the ordeal, who was literally by my side as I fell apart, advises that for my emotional health I look to the future.
What say you?
First, sorry about your loss SallySpades.
or do I tell the professor that I just want the last semester to disappear even if I receive an F grade?
It's hard to imagine any caring parent endorsing this course of action.
But here, here I haven't followed her advice or my own and it feels shameful.
It seems you are answering your own question and are looking to the HiveMind to give you the out you know your mom would not give you if she were still alive.
Using my best daddy voice: "Get to work. Do the best you can and if you end up with an F, at least you tried."
posted by three blind mice at 2:19 AM on August 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
or do I tell the professor that I just want the last semester to disappear even if I receive an F grade?
It's hard to imagine any caring parent endorsing this course of action.
But here, here I haven't followed her advice or my own and it feels shameful.
It seems you are answering your own question and are looking to the HiveMind to give you the out you know your mom would not give you if she were still alive.
Using my best daddy voice: "Get to work. Do the best you can and if you end up with an F, at least you tried."
posted by three blind mice at 2:19 AM on August 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry for your loss.
You don't say whether you are still in school (i.e. planning to begin classes again in the fall). I'm going to assume you are. You should finish the papers. Just bang them out -- speaking frankly, I don't think they are going to be very good papers, but putting in the effort to turn in something will let the professor know that you didn't just slap her in the face after generously granting you an extension. You indicate that receiving an F is not going to impact you horribly, which is good because these papers -- written after you've likely forgotten most of the material so long later -- are probably not going to significantly raise your grade. I am suggesting that you finish them just to reduce the likelihood the professor will badmouth you to colleagues, which could affect you depending on how far the news travels within the university. (Professors are human and talk, even if they are not intentionally trying to badmouth you.)
This is a terrible situation. Write your papers and try to put this behind you, but DO finish. From the sounds of it, your mother would want you to do so.
posted by asciident at 3:15 AM on August 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
You don't say whether you are still in school (i.e. planning to begin classes again in the fall). I'm going to assume you are. You should finish the papers. Just bang them out -- speaking frankly, I don't think they are going to be very good papers, but putting in the effort to turn in something will let the professor know that you didn't just slap her in the face after generously granting you an extension. You indicate that receiving an F is not going to impact you horribly, which is good because these papers -- written after you've likely forgotten most of the material so long later -- are probably not going to significantly raise your grade. I am suggesting that you finish them just to reduce the likelihood the professor will badmouth you to colleagues, which could affect you depending on how far the news travels within the university. (Professors are human and talk, even if they are not intentionally trying to badmouth you.)
This is a terrible situation. Write your papers and try to put this behind you, but DO finish. From the sounds of it, your mother would want you to do so.
posted by asciident at 3:15 AM on August 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm guessing your professor gave you a grade of Incomplete - there is usually a deadline for turning in grades at the end of a semester, and all students must have SOME kind of grade reported for them.
I recommend you look into your university's policy on "Incomplete" grades. At my college, university policy gave students 3 semesters (which works out to be a calendar year) to complete coursework before the "I" defaults to F. However, professors are allowed to set their own deadlines and can then change the grades according to that schedule. It's possible that's what has happened here. Perhaps you can appeal to the professor to extend her deadline to match the university policy (assuming they are different). That might give you more time to recover from what I'm sure has been a very difficult time.
posted by Eumachia L F at 3:21 AM on August 16, 2010
I recommend you look into your university's policy on "Incomplete" grades. At my college, university policy gave students 3 semesters (which works out to be a calendar year) to complete coursework before the "I" defaults to F. However, professors are allowed to set their own deadlines and can then change the grades according to that schedule. It's possible that's what has happened here. Perhaps you can appeal to the professor to extend her deadline to match the university policy (assuming they are different). That might give you more time to recover from what I'm sure has been a very difficult time.
posted by Eumachia L F at 3:21 AM on August 16, 2010
I'm sorry for your loss.
I think you may want to consider just talking to this professor again and explaining everything. You can get everything done, and you will!
I know sometimes when I'm given a lot of time to complete a project, it almost becomes too much time, life begins to get in the way and I procrastinate.
I've taken accelerated weekly grad school classes where long papers were due weekly, and I had no problem meeting those deadlines. But my summer school online courses when I had 8 weeks to complete something? I'd either be banging those papers out the night before they were due or I'd even ask for extensions.
posted by dzaz at 3:59 AM on August 16, 2010
I think you may want to consider just talking to this professor again and explaining everything. You can get everything done, and you will!
I know sometimes when I'm given a lot of time to complete a project, it almost becomes too much time, life begins to get in the way and I procrastinate.
I've taken accelerated weekly grad school classes where long papers were due weekly, and I had no problem meeting those deadlines. But my summer school online courses when I had 8 weeks to complete something? I'd either be banging those papers out the night before they were due or I'd even ask for extensions.
posted by dzaz at 3:59 AM on August 16, 2010
Write the papers. In hindsight, it's always sobering to realize how very doable most things you've avoided were. If you're able to, why not reach out to your brother for help?
posted by thejoshu at 4:48 AM on August 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by thejoshu at 4:48 AM on August 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
Look, you should just write the papers.
This might sound mean, but most of what you write here seems to imply that your procrastination actually has less to do with your mom's death and more to do with a variety of other factors. Write the papers because you need to learn to grow up and complete tasks. That's what any mom would have wanted for her child.
Lest I sound un-empathetic, I should note that my mom died last fall while I was in my second-to-last term of law school.
posted by miss tea at 5:13 AM on August 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
This might sound mean, but most of what you write here seems to imply that your procrastination actually has less to do with your mom's death and more to do with a variety of other factors. Write the papers because you need to learn to grow up and complete tasks. That's what any mom would have wanted for her child.
Lest I sound un-empathetic, I should note that my mom died last fall while I was in my second-to-last term of law school.
posted by miss tea at 5:13 AM on August 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
I was in school when my mother died. Here's what I learned: People are understanding. Your grief feels unique (and it is), but it is not something that nobody else can relate to. People empathize because most of us have had at least one slice of that bitter fruit. You just gotta ask for what you need.
You must tell her. If you need more time, tell her that. If you are not sure whether to ask for an extension of your Incomplete grade or to take an F, tell her what you've told us here and ask for her advice. The way to stop digging this hole is to just communicate. That's all that's needed.
You can hold onto this, too: Things will get better. Not immediately, but they will.
posted by Houstonian at 5:40 AM on August 16, 2010
You must tell her. If you need more time, tell her that. If you are not sure whether to ask for an extension of your Incomplete grade or to take an F, tell her what you've told us here and ask for her advice. The way to stop digging this hole is to just communicate. That's all that's needed.
You can hold onto this, too: Things will get better. Not immediately, but they will.
posted by Houstonian at 5:40 AM on August 16, 2010
Write whatever papers you're able to; there's a huge difference in receiving a grade of 0 on something vs. receiving a failing grade that brings 50 percentage points with it. Turning in anything, even if it isn't great, might bump that grade up and bring *some* sense of completion.
posted by bizzyb at 5:43 AM on August 16, 2010
posted by bizzyb at 5:43 AM on August 16, 2010
I'll join the chorus of, just turn in the papers, but with a twist. Are any of your friends around? Any of them good at writing essays? Get them to sit with you. And not write them, but push you over the stumbling blocks.
If all you have to write is 9-12 pages, that's maybe two days of pain. Buy a lot of coffee and chocolate and push through. When you get stuck on a sentence, talk to them. Write a paragraph and then take a break and talk to them about the rest.
For clarification, and to forestall the criticism, I'm not telling you to get a friend to write the essays for you. I'm telling you to get someone there to keep you moving, to proofread and give advice to keep you from getting stalled, and, if need be, help you outline and organize your ideas.
Good luck, and I'm so sorry for your loss.
posted by mercredi at 6:07 AM on August 16, 2010
If all you have to write is 9-12 pages, that's maybe two days of pain. Buy a lot of coffee and chocolate and push through. When you get stuck on a sentence, talk to them. Write a paragraph and then take a break and talk to them about the rest.
For clarification, and to forestall the criticism, I'm not telling you to get a friend to write the essays for you. I'm telling you to get someone there to keep you moving, to proofread and give advice to keep you from getting stalled, and, if need be, help you outline and organize your ideas.
Good luck, and I'm so sorry for your loss.
posted by mercredi at 6:07 AM on August 16, 2010
Just write them and don't worry about how bad they are. Your professor will understand, she sounds really nice. Don't fail the class-- you've already put in a lot of work and it would be a shame to let it all go to waste now.
Since you can't work at your best right now, don't go over the page limits. Nothing's worse than having to grade bad papers. Like I said, don't worry about quality. It's the gesture of completing the assignment that counts. All she needs are nine pages from you to give you a final grade. Nine pages!
Let us know how it goes. You can do this and you will feel better for having done so.
posted by vincele at 6:46 AM on August 16, 2010
Since you can't work at your best right now, don't go over the page limits. Nothing's worse than having to grade bad papers. Like I said, don't worry about quality. It's the gesture of completing the assignment that counts. All she needs are nine pages from you to give you a final grade. Nine pages!
Let us know how it goes. You can do this and you will feel better for having done so.
posted by vincele at 6:46 AM on August 16, 2010
I'm with mercredi. This is one of those things that if you don't do it, will have a mental weight of 100 pounds whereas the agony of actually doing it -- which will suck, no doubt -- is maybe something like 16 during the doing and 9 while you're waiting to hear the grade. So, I vote for getting it over with. It doesn't have to be great, just okay. Find a friend to sit down with you and hang out with you. Or ask your brother. This is just about not leaving this thread hanging, not about writing some amazing essay. What are your topics?
posted by salvia at 8:35 AM on August 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by salvia at 8:35 AM on August 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
Please write it. And if you need a proofreader to get it up to your mom's high standard, feel free to memail me.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:02 AM on August 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:02 AM on August 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
Asking the Hivemind seems the closest I can get to asking for Mum's own opinion, so here is the scenario:
What? I think you already know your Mum's opinion:
Mother was a "traditional" English major and was strict about having work done and proofread before play.
I think you should write the papers. You really will feel better, and I think you know it too, just because of all the excuses you've put in this post for not writing them. ;) Do it the basic, machine way: organize your notes, write your thesis, write the basic supporting paragraphs, flesh them out, add your citations, double check your thesis and conclusions, read it outloud to yourself, fix any issues (or you know, whatever works for you. Just be systematic). You'll be done before you know it, if you just start and plug away.
posted by oneirodynia at 12:09 PM on August 16, 2010
What? I think you already know your Mum's opinion:
Mother was a "traditional" English major and was strict about having work done and proofread before play.
I think you should write the papers. You really will feel better, and I think you know it too, just because of all the excuses you've put in this post for not writing them. ;) Do it the basic, machine way: organize your notes, write your thesis, write the basic supporting paragraphs, flesh them out, add your citations, double check your thesis and conclusions, read it outloud to yourself, fix any issues (or you know, whatever works for you. Just be systematic). You'll be done before you know it, if you just start and plug away.
posted by oneirodynia at 12:09 PM on August 16, 2010
I meant to add: I'm sorry for your loss. I know it's tough to carry on with something that seems relatively unimportant at the moment, but I really think finishing your papers and being really done with the class can only be a good thing for you. Best of luck.
posted by oneirodynia at 12:13 PM on August 16, 2010
posted by oneirodynia at 12:13 PM on August 16, 2010
My response might sound unethical, but could you ask a friend to write the paper paper for you? When I was in school, I wrote papers for friends who were going through difficult times. I would ask a friend for help. You might be surprised that someone would be willing to write the paper for you.
posted by parakeetdog at 1:04 PM on August 16, 2010
posted by parakeetdog at 1:04 PM on August 16, 2010
A personal anecdote: I went through a severe bout of depression my sophomore year of college and basically stopped attending my 8am American Politics class. By the time I had pulled back together some, I was too embarrassed to go back and start over. I saw the prof once in the library towards the end of the semester, and all he ever said was "Ms. [epersonae], I haven't seen you in class lately." And I failed the class.
On a practical level, it didn't have much effect: my grades were high enough overall that I kept my scholarship, I graduated on time, and I've had a good career since then. (15+ yrs later.)
On the other hand, I do regret not sticking it out and coming back to the class after the worst of the crisis had passed. It was a good class on a topic that I find interesting.
I'd try committing yourself to writing one of the papers; you may find that once you've gotten started that you can keep going. Even if the papers are TERRIBLE you may get a sense of satisfaction from having them over and done with.
Oh, and I'll second Eyebrows McGee: send me a MeMail if you need another proofreader.
posted by epersonae at 1:12 PM on August 16, 2010
On a practical level, it didn't have much effect: my grades were high enough overall that I kept my scholarship, I graduated on time, and I've had a good career since then. (15+ yrs later.)
On the other hand, I do regret not sticking it out and coming back to the class after the worst of the crisis had passed. It was a good class on a topic that I find interesting.
I'd try committing yourself to writing one of the papers; you may find that once you've gotten started that you can keep going. Even if the papers are TERRIBLE you may get a sense of satisfaction from having them over and done with.
Oh, and I'll second Eyebrows McGee: send me a MeMail if you need another proofreader.
posted by epersonae at 1:12 PM on August 16, 2010
Response by poster: Thank you, everyone, for the replies.
I didn't write the post believing in the "Mother always said..." answer. Her advice was given long ago while she still seemed healthy, and afterwards I rarely asked her for advice. It's that this is the only situation where I can't tell if I have or don't have a "legitimate" reason for not finishing or coping-out on the assignments, and every time I'd start them I'd want to ask her for advice. Then I'm reminded that she died. It's a bad cycle.
Being reminded that my gracious professor deserves to receive some work is a point I needed; it's a different drive.
salvia: The class was "Religions along the Silk Road", focusing mainly on Zoroastrianism, Nestorian Christianity, Buddhism and Islam. One essay focuses on just Islam (which I missed completely out on in many ways), another on the other religions, and the last is actually a topic meant for a presentation.
posted by SallySpades at 2:41 PM on August 16, 2010
I didn't write the post believing in the "Mother always said..." answer. Her advice was given long ago while she still seemed healthy, and afterwards I rarely asked her for advice. It's that this is the only situation where I can't tell if I have or don't have a "legitimate" reason for not finishing or coping-out on the assignments, and every time I'd start them I'd want to ask her for advice. Then I'm reminded that she died. It's a bad cycle.
Being reminded that my gracious professor deserves to receive some work is a point I needed; it's a different drive.
salvia: The class was "Religions along the Silk Road", focusing mainly on Zoroastrianism, Nestorian Christianity, Buddhism and Islam. One essay focuses on just Islam (which I missed completely out on in many ways), another on the other religions, and the last is actually a topic meant for a presentation.
posted by SallySpades at 2:41 PM on August 16, 2010
Interesting-sounding topics. Do you have thesis statements yet? In part I ask because I'm interested, and in part I ask in hopes that figuring it out to tell us could help get you thinking. Would it even maybe be appropriate and also helpful to you to discuss those religions' approaches to death and / or grieving?
posted by salvia at 4:00 PM on August 16, 2010
posted by salvia at 4:00 PM on August 16, 2010
Having just helped a friend through going back to school after her having gone with your 'F' option...let me just note, because I myself have an incomplete from grad school that never got fixed (that I am still ashamed of..I really liked that professor, I just had health issues)--you never know what else is going to happen in the future. Five or 10 years from now, you might want to go back to school...and then you'll need not to have an F in your last semester. You will feel better if you turn in something, most likely. As one of my grad school profs told me: The perfect is the enemy of the done.
posted by eleanna at 11:14 AM on August 17, 2010
posted by eleanna at 11:14 AM on August 17, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
But besides that, at my particular college with particular professors I myself and a couple of other people I knew turned in some papers more than a year late to no disadvantage without anywhere near as good a reason as you've got (in fact if I recall correctly I didn't even give any excuse, I just kept saying "Uh, sorry, I didn't do it.") So don't assume that there's really some deadline looming unless you're sure.
posted by XMLicious at 2:13 AM on August 16, 2010