How do I get over this?
August 16, 2010 2:06 AM Subscribe
How do I get over this? A never-defined relationship and an abrupt end.
I've known this guy, D, for almost a decade and right when I met him I really liked him. Although we lived in the same town, we hardly met in person and most of our relationship took place over IM and late-night video chats. The moments we did meet, I still remember fondly.
We were never in an official relationship even though I secretly wished it (although, probably not so secretly, I think he knew) As time went on, he and I were both in serious relationships with other people. I went to a local college and he joined the military. We still talked via IM and video chat like we always have but now we were really far apart. I stayed in my state and he traveled all over, being deployed and what not.
Fast forward a few years.. I wrecked his relationship because we hooked up and then I told his girlfriend's best friend (who tells the girlfriend, of course) The whole situation is 'complicated' but in the end, we reconciled and still remained friends. (They broke up for good which, as far as I see, was a good thing for him cuz she wasn't very faithful it seemed)
Fast forward another few years.. I find the man of my dreams. He finds the woman of his dreams. I couldn't be happier for him. Then I hear he's getting married. I thought I would be invited to the wedding, but that never happened. Granted it was a destination wedding and he probably thought I would've never been able to afford it. Neither did he invite me (nor mention) a stateside ceremony/reception. This made me really upset and really started to breakdown the rose colored glasses I had for him.
For the duration of our whole friendship, we flirted and teased each other hundreds of miles apart. He was always persistent in asking what I favored in bed, if I had done this or that before. After he got married, he asked me if I would have a threesome with him and his wife among other things...
I told my best friend about this and the response was "You're in a box next to the porn under the bed. That's why he didn't invite you to the wedding." Makes sense.
I asked him to quit it with the sex talk, reminded him that he's married and discussing the intimate details of what his wife likes in bed just isn't appropriate. I figured, cut the sex talk out, so we could have a real friendship.
And guess what. After saying good night in that IM conversation, we haven't talked since.
For a while after, I stalked his facebook and the last thing I found out before I blocked him was that he was expecting a kid. ('grats)
I told my boyfriend everything from beginning to end. I told him the details that I've held closest to my heart of how I felt and what I feel now. He shared his experiences with me and said that I was looking for an apology from D that may or may not come. And to let it come, if it does and if it doesn't, let it go. All in all, I couldn't have ask for more from him. I wish I could say that all my burdens were lifted after talking with him, but it's hard to forget.
I've been struggling with D 'haunting' my thoughts for as long as I've known him. The relationship that we could've had was always in a different dimension, in another lifetime. When I know he's in town, I feel like I'm gonna run into him. Whenever I see his car on the road, I wonder if it might be him (although, I don't even know if he drives the same car) When I hear a car drive by in the middle of the night, I wonder if its him. It's crazy. It makes me crazy.
So how can I get this out of my head? I want to leave this part of my life behind. I want to crawl out of this darkness. I lead a happy life, but there's this hole that I can't seem to fill.
Do I need closure? How do I go about getting it? Should I talk to him again? Should I go see a therapist? (if so, how do I go about finding one? No one else I knows goes to therapy) Do I let time wash it away? If so, how can I cope in the meantime?
Some notes:
I've already blocked him from my social media sites/IM. I don't really see myself giving over to unblocking him anytime soon.
I'm a female in my mid-20s.
I've read this previous thread that had a similar situation
I've been journaling off and on for many years about this and hate the idea that I still spend so much effort on the guy with every word I write.
I've known this guy, D, for almost a decade and right when I met him I really liked him. Although we lived in the same town, we hardly met in person and most of our relationship took place over IM and late-night video chats. The moments we did meet, I still remember fondly.
We were never in an official relationship even though I secretly wished it (although, probably not so secretly, I think he knew) As time went on, he and I were both in serious relationships with other people. I went to a local college and he joined the military. We still talked via IM and video chat like we always have but now we were really far apart. I stayed in my state and he traveled all over, being deployed and what not.
Fast forward a few years.. I wrecked his relationship because we hooked up and then I told his girlfriend's best friend (who tells the girlfriend, of course) The whole situation is 'complicated' but in the end, we reconciled and still remained friends. (They broke up for good which, as far as I see, was a good thing for him cuz she wasn't very faithful it seemed)
Fast forward another few years.. I find the man of my dreams. He finds the woman of his dreams. I couldn't be happier for him. Then I hear he's getting married. I thought I would be invited to the wedding, but that never happened. Granted it was a destination wedding and he probably thought I would've never been able to afford it. Neither did he invite me (nor mention) a stateside ceremony/reception. This made me really upset and really started to breakdown the rose colored glasses I had for him.
For the duration of our whole friendship, we flirted and teased each other hundreds of miles apart. He was always persistent in asking what I favored in bed, if I had done this or that before. After he got married, he asked me if I would have a threesome with him and his wife among other things...
I told my best friend about this and the response was "You're in a box next to the porn under the bed. That's why he didn't invite you to the wedding." Makes sense.
I asked him to quit it with the sex talk, reminded him that he's married and discussing the intimate details of what his wife likes in bed just isn't appropriate. I figured, cut the sex talk out, so we could have a real friendship.
And guess what. After saying good night in that IM conversation, we haven't talked since.
For a while after, I stalked his facebook and the last thing I found out before I blocked him was that he was expecting a kid. ('grats)
I told my boyfriend everything from beginning to end. I told him the details that I've held closest to my heart of how I felt and what I feel now. He shared his experiences with me and said that I was looking for an apology from D that may or may not come. And to let it come, if it does and if it doesn't, let it go. All in all, I couldn't have ask for more from him. I wish I could say that all my burdens were lifted after talking with him, but it's hard to forget.
I've been struggling with D 'haunting' my thoughts for as long as I've known him. The relationship that we could've had was always in a different dimension, in another lifetime. When I know he's in town, I feel like I'm gonna run into him. Whenever I see his car on the road, I wonder if it might be him (although, I don't even know if he drives the same car) When I hear a car drive by in the middle of the night, I wonder if its him. It's crazy. It makes me crazy.
So how can I get this out of my head? I want to leave this part of my life behind. I want to crawl out of this darkness. I lead a happy life, but there's this hole that I can't seem to fill.
Do I need closure? How do I go about getting it? Should I talk to him again? Should I go see a therapist? (if so, how do I go about finding one? No one else I knows goes to therapy) Do I let time wash it away? If so, how can I cope in the meantime?
Some notes:
I've already blocked him from my social media sites/IM. I don't really see myself giving over to unblocking him anytime soon.
I'm a female in my mid-20s.
I've read this previous thread that had a similar situation
I've been journaling off and on for many years about this and hate the idea that I still spend so much effort on the guy with every word I write.
Another previous thread with a decade-long relationship and contact intentionally cut off.
posted by XMLicious at 2:54 AM on August 16, 2010
posted by XMLicious at 2:54 AM on August 16, 2010
You may feel that he has been haunting your thoughts because your non-relationship relationship with him provided many benefits of a romantic relationship without the drawbacks. It's easy for you to project your vision onto him, and easy to gloss over or even to not know about some of his flaws.
The combination of activity and time will get him out of your head: activity to keep your mind off of him in the present, and time to give you the distance that you need. There's no magic pill for getting over someone; there's only moving in a positive direction until you cross the "finish line" and suddenly realize you've truly moved on.
I wouldn't normally recommend therapy to someone in your situation but the fact that you refer to the end of your friendship as a "hole" that you need to fill makes me wonder if -- on top of the normal emotional pain that one feels when a relationship fizzles out -- D is a symbol for other things in your past and in your life that you aren't happy about. After all, if you're in your mid-20s and have known him for almost ten years, that means you spent your formative years with him always in the background -- so maybe losing touch with him is a bit like losing touch with that part of your life.
The process of finding a therapist depends a lot on where you live and what your health insurance is like. If you're in the U.S., you should find out if your insurance covers therapy, and if you're required to visit a GP first. If you don't have health insurance, you can contact therapists directly, to ask if they have sliding-scale pricing for low-income patients.
posted by neushoorn at 4:02 AM on August 16, 2010 [4 favorites]
The combination of activity and time will get him out of your head: activity to keep your mind off of him in the present, and time to give you the distance that you need. There's no magic pill for getting over someone; there's only moving in a positive direction until you cross the "finish line" and suddenly realize you've truly moved on.
I wouldn't normally recommend therapy to someone in your situation but the fact that you refer to the end of your friendship as a "hole" that you need to fill makes me wonder if -- on top of the normal emotional pain that one feels when a relationship fizzles out -- D is a symbol for other things in your past and in your life that you aren't happy about. After all, if you're in your mid-20s and have known him for almost ten years, that means you spent your formative years with him always in the background -- so maybe losing touch with him is a bit like losing touch with that part of your life.
The process of finding a therapist depends a lot on where you live and what your health insurance is like. If you're in the U.S., you should find out if your insurance covers therapy, and if you're required to visit a GP first. If you don't have health insurance, you can contact therapists directly, to ask if they have sliding-scale pricing for low-income patients.
posted by neushoorn at 4:02 AM on August 16, 2010 [4 favorites]
Although my version of this situation has lots of different specifics, a similar thing has happened to me. I was in love with one of my best friends for years and I never ever got a lick of closure, despite directly informing him that my feelings for him developed during my formative years and I really needed at least an ounce of positive affirmation from him. My crush started over 13 years ago.
Slowly slowly over the years I've gotten over it. Your boyfriend is exactly right and it's wonderful that you're with someone who seems to be wise and makes you happy; you may not get an apology from D but if you do you should accept it. But know that time does heal this particular wound.
I haven't cut off all social network and IM ties from my D, because he's still ensconced in my old friend group, but he lives his own life and I don't pay a bit of attention to him anymore. I've stopped having any desire to see him again, I've stopped caring about his opinion of me entirely.
(The only thoughts I have about him are completely ridiculous adolescent fantasies that I allow myself to have to deliberately draw my mind when I'm doing something painful and girly, like waxing or tweezing, a habit I fell into during puberty and apparently haven't outgrown. In said fantasies he's a completely fictionalized, preposterous, never-going-to-happen version of himself.)
Although I've never gotten closure from him, and know I never will, I seem to be naturally making closure for myself. It seems to be going in steps. Sometimes I'll just get a welling up of emotions about the whole situation and take a step further in causing closure. This has taken the form of anger and outrageous never-to-be-seen journal writing, shmoopy IM conversations with him about how I'll always want him to be happy blah blah, all the way to no longer following him on Twitter and actively telling our mutual friends that I'm trying to avoid knowing anything about his current life. I don't consciously plan these actions out. It just sort of happens.
It's important to me, though, to keep the good times I had with him as my best friend fresh in my mind. I have photos of us from that time and have been known to reminisce with our mutual friends about it. Without him causing me all that grief I wouldn't be me now. So it's kind of like there are two of him, the one who exists now that I don't give a damn about, and my old friend who isn't around anymore. I know that I'm really the one who changed, but it helps me to rationalize it like that.
So! Although therapy might be handy and helpful to you, and if you can easily access some you might as well, if you're otherwise mentally well off and have a comfortable healthy relationship with your current BF and friends/family, chances are that if you give it enough years and stop paying D much attention if at all, you'll get past it on your own. It's just a matter of patience and self acknowledgment, at least in my experience.
posted by Mizu at 5:14 AM on August 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
Slowly slowly over the years I've gotten over it. Your boyfriend is exactly right and it's wonderful that you're with someone who seems to be wise and makes you happy; you may not get an apology from D but if you do you should accept it. But know that time does heal this particular wound.
I haven't cut off all social network and IM ties from my D, because he's still ensconced in my old friend group, but he lives his own life and I don't pay a bit of attention to him anymore. I've stopped having any desire to see him again, I've stopped caring about his opinion of me entirely.
(The only thoughts I have about him are completely ridiculous adolescent fantasies that I allow myself to have to deliberately draw my mind when I'm doing something painful and girly, like waxing or tweezing, a habit I fell into during puberty and apparently haven't outgrown. In said fantasies he's a completely fictionalized, preposterous, never-going-to-happen version of himself.)
Although I've never gotten closure from him, and know I never will, I seem to be naturally making closure for myself. It seems to be going in steps. Sometimes I'll just get a welling up of emotions about the whole situation and take a step further in causing closure. This has taken the form of anger and outrageous never-to-be-seen journal writing, shmoopy IM conversations with him about how I'll always want him to be happy blah blah, all the way to no longer following him on Twitter and actively telling our mutual friends that I'm trying to avoid knowing anything about his current life. I don't consciously plan these actions out. It just sort of happens.
It's important to me, though, to keep the good times I had with him as my best friend fresh in my mind. I have photos of us from that time and have been known to reminisce with our mutual friends about it. Without him causing me all that grief I wouldn't be me now. So it's kind of like there are two of him, the one who exists now that I don't give a damn about, and my old friend who isn't around anymore. I know that I'm really the one who changed, but it helps me to rationalize it like that.
So! Although therapy might be handy and helpful to you, and if you can easily access some you might as well, if you're otherwise mentally well off and have a comfortable healthy relationship with your current BF and friends/family, chances are that if you give it enough years and stop paying D much attention if at all, you'll get past it on your own. It's just a matter of patience and self acknowledgment, at least in my experience.
posted by Mizu at 5:14 AM on August 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
The solution to your problem is to ask yourself: What am I not thinking about when I think about this guy? What am I avoiding?
It can be a difficult question to answer honestly, and it may very well require therapy. Finding a good therapist is a tricky process, but the best way to start is to just pick someone and try it, and if you don't feel comfortable, try another one. Does your employer have an employee assistance program? Usually you can get a few free sessions with a counselor. If you have insurance, look in their provider listings. Look for therapists who have a website--usually they will list what types of problems they specialize in.
FWIW, I struggled with this sort of thing for years, and had 2 "relationships" like the one you describe. Figuring out what I was avoiding, and getting treatment for OCD (I know this isn't what most people think of as OCD, but there is a form of it that's purely obsessional) is what helped me.
posted by cottonswab at 5:17 AM on August 16, 2010 [3 favorites]
It can be a difficult question to answer honestly, and it may very well require therapy. Finding a good therapist is a tricky process, but the best way to start is to just pick someone and try it, and if you don't feel comfortable, try another one. Does your employer have an employee assistance program? Usually you can get a few free sessions with a counselor. If you have insurance, look in their provider listings. Look for therapists who have a website--usually they will list what types of problems they specialize in.
FWIW, I struggled with this sort of thing for years, and had 2 "relationships" like the one you describe. Figuring out what I was avoiding, and getting treatment for OCD (I know this isn't what most people think of as OCD, but there is a form of it that's purely obsessional) is what helped me.
posted by cottonswab at 5:17 AM on August 16, 2010 [3 favorites]
I've been journaling off and on for many years about this and hate the idea that I still spend so much effort on the guy with every word I write.
This is what you think about when you don't want to think about something else. Think of everything you don't want to think about when you think about him.
He will disappear quickly.
posted by Ironmouth at 5:47 AM on August 16, 2010 [3 favorites]
This is what you think about when you don't want to think about something else. Think of everything you don't want to think about when you think about him.
He will disappear quickly.
posted by Ironmouth at 5:47 AM on August 16, 2010 [3 favorites]
My own "D" was, as Ironmouth pointed out, my distraction from what I didn't want to deal with in my own life. He was my fantasy boyfriend, lover and the place where I had to work hard for some attention.
It's taken me about 10 years of this on again/off again relationship to see what it represented to me, why I put so much of my heart and soul into this relationship vs. what I was getting out of it.
Looking back, I can so totally see the lessons I was getting and how I grew from that relationship and I consider him one of my main "teachers" in life. Through him, I learned how to stay in my center when people I loved left me (and came back, and left again and came back again ad nauseum).
I think you've done all the right things that will help you move through this and really would suggest looking at what you learned from it, how you grew and in what ways you are better for all of it. (Yes, pretty woo-woo, I know.) That's really the highest and best outcome of it all.
MefiMail me if you want to talk more. Good luck - you're really doing a good job working through the stuff.
posted by Mysticalchick at 6:06 AM on August 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
It's taken me about 10 years of this on again/off again relationship to see what it represented to me, why I put so much of my heart and soul into this relationship vs. what I was getting out of it.
Looking back, I can so totally see the lessons I was getting and how I grew from that relationship and I consider him one of my main "teachers" in life. Through him, I learned how to stay in my center when people I loved left me (and came back, and left again and came back again ad nauseum).
I think you've done all the right things that will help you move through this and really would suggest looking at what you learned from it, how you grew and in what ways you are better for all of it. (Yes, pretty woo-woo, I know.) That's really the highest and best outcome of it all.
MefiMail me if you want to talk more. Good luck - you're really doing a good job working through the stuff.
posted by Mysticalchick at 6:06 AM on August 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
I find the irony of this bit to be really telling of the credit you extended to him for being a good person:
we hooked up and then I told his girlfriend's best friend (who tells the girlfriend, of course) The whole situation is 'complicated' but in the end, we reconciled and still remained friends. (They broke up for good which, as far as I see, was a good thing for him cuz she wasn't very faithful it seemed)
He wasn't faithful to her either, you know. And I bet his wife, if she read your chats, would probably think he hasn't been faithful to her. And he was obvs. never faithful to you -- I'd be surprised if he didn't have a lot of real girls in that "box under the bed".
I'm sorry you invested so much energy and attention into what ultimately became a dead end. It happens to the best of us, don't beat yourself up about it. But also, do not treat it as ANYTHING BUT A dead end. What's this -- a little nubbin on the end of it looks like it might sprout and grow a single leaf? No, it's not going to happen. Stop looking at it, stop picking at it, stop checking back on it, and stop watering it if you don't want to become utterly corrupted with mold.
Closure is a a myth people tell themselves to give themselves permission to do or say things they already know they should not be doing anymore. True closure is acknowledged after the fact -- "I ran into him in the supermarket and realized I felt nothing." That sort of thing. SEEKING closure is the road toward more confusion and drama.
A therapist would probably be really really really helpful, in that you'd wind up exploring your own side of the whole thing and discovering the tendencies in yourself that allowed this situation to breed and fester for so long. But it would be a great start to just obsessively focus on everything in your actual life -- the stuff right in front of you -- and improve whatever you can there.
posted by hermitosis at 6:54 AM on August 16, 2010 [5 favorites]
we hooked up and then I told his girlfriend's best friend (who tells the girlfriend, of course) The whole situation is 'complicated' but in the end, we reconciled and still remained friends. (They broke up for good which, as far as I see, was a good thing for him cuz she wasn't very faithful it seemed)
He wasn't faithful to her either, you know. And I bet his wife, if she read your chats, would probably think he hasn't been faithful to her. And he was obvs. never faithful to you -- I'd be surprised if he didn't have a lot of real girls in that "box under the bed".
I'm sorry you invested so much energy and attention into what ultimately became a dead end. It happens to the best of us, don't beat yourself up about it. But also, do not treat it as ANYTHING BUT A dead end. What's this -- a little nubbin on the end of it looks like it might sprout and grow a single leaf? No, it's not going to happen. Stop looking at it, stop picking at it, stop checking back on it, and stop watering it if you don't want to become utterly corrupted with mold.
Closure is a a myth people tell themselves to give themselves permission to do or say things they already know they should not be doing anymore. True closure is acknowledged after the fact -- "I ran into him in the supermarket and realized I felt nothing." That sort of thing. SEEKING closure is the road toward more confusion and drama.
A therapist would probably be really really really helpful, in that you'd wind up exploring your own side of the whole thing and discovering the tendencies in yourself that allowed this situation to breed and fester for so long. But it would be a great start to just obsessively focus on everything in your actual life -- the stuff right in front of you -- and improve whatever you can there.
posted by hermitosis at 6:54 AM on August 16, 2010 [5 favorites]
The relationship that we could've had was always in a different dimension, in another lifetime.
Okay, if you can believe that every possibility occurs in some alternate to where you are now, then sure, the relationship you could've had actually happened. And what are the chances you spent it wishing you had what you have now? You say you are happy now: I [found] the man of my dreams. Can you trust that you know way deep down inside yourself that it wasn't the right choice, which is why it didn't happen in the universe you have now?
...Well, it helped me to think that in similar situations. Here's some other thoughts that helped me sort it out (and get over it, which I did):
If it didn't happen in the time it had, it wasn't meant to happen. I had told myself in one instance "oh, circumstances made it so we couldn't be together" (sigh; wistful feelings) but you know what? Circumstances were against me and my husband, but we fought for each other.
Which leads to - you're spending all this energy on someone who didn't reciprocate nearly as much in the end. The older I get the more I realize: a relationship is as much the two people's investment in it as it is the people themselves. A relationship of fantasies is easy because that investment isn't there. You can project lots of wistful thoughts on a fantasy - it can symbolize so many things to you that aren't actually there in cold, everyday reality; then, as he did, you can box it up and put it away when it's inconvenient. He hasn't put the investment in you, so it simply isn't there.
Right now you feel dark and haunted. It might help to start feeling a little angry - angry at all this energy and effort you're wasting on someone who isn't worth it. Anger can be action to cut through the darkness. It can burn itself up, and out, and leave you with a clearer head.
posted by flex at 8:25 AM on August 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
Okay, if you can believe that every possibility occurs in some alternate to where you are now, then sure, the relationship you could've had actually happened. And what are the chances you spent it wishing you had what you have now? You say you are happy now: I [found] the man of my dreams. Can you trust that you know way deep down inside yourself that it wasn't the right choice, which is why it didn't happen in the universe you have now?
...Well, it helped me to think that in similar situations. Here's some other thoughts that helped me sort it out (and get over it, which I did):
If it didn't happen in the time it had, it wasn't meant to happen. I had told myself in one instance "oh, circumstances made it so we couldn't be together" (sigh; wistful feelings) but you know what? Circumstances were against me and my husband, but we fought for each other.
Which leads to - you're spending all this energy on someone who didn't reciprocate nearly as much in the end. The older I get the more I realize: a relationship is as much the two people's investment in it as it is the people themselves. A relationship of fantasies is easy because that investment isn't there. You can project lots of wistful thoughts on a fantasy - it can symbolize so many things to you that aren't actually there in cold, everyday reality; then, as he did, you can box it up and put it away when it's inconvenient. He hasn't put the investment in you, so it simply isn't there.
Right now you feel dark and haunted. It might help to start feeling a little angry - angry at all this energy and effort you're wasting on someone who isn't worth it. Anger can be action to cut through the darkness. It can burn itself up, and out, and leave you with a clearer head.
posted by flex at 8:25 AM on August 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
If you are still journaling about him frequently, it might be a good idea to cut down on that. It feels cathartic and it seems like a good way to make sense of your feelings but in reality it is just keeping you locked in to thinking about him.
I've done the endless journaling thing. I thought it was helping me process my feelings but there came a point in which I was just continually rehashing the same old stuff over and over, and eventually I realized it was actually keeping me locked into the drama. I wasn't dredging it up and getting it out, the writing was actually regenerating the undesirable emotions afresh every day.
The things that helped most were staying away from the guy, and finding some other source of pleasurable stimulation for my brain than journaling or fantasizing or seeking out contact with him.
Whenever you are tempted to journal about him, find something else to do. Find an engrossing hobby, set and pursue a personal goal, start a major cleaning project... just find someplace else to direct that mental energy. Read books and magazines about your topic, look at inspirational websites, start a blog on the subject. Find a project that will engage your mind so that whenever you are tempted to fantasize about the guy, you can redirect your thoughts to the color scheme you are planning for your living room or the next plot twist of your novel or what you learned in your last jiu jitsu class.
Hang in there, you are on the right track in cutting off contact and it will get better in time. Probably a lot less time than you imagine, now that you've stopped feeding the fire.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 8:39 AM on August 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
I've done the endless journaling thing. I thought it was helping me process my feelings but there came a point in which I was just continually rehashing the same old stuff over and over, and eventually I realized it was actually keeping me locked into the drama. I wasn't dredging it up and getting it out, the writing was actually regenerating the undesirable emotions afresh every day.
The things that helped most were staying away from the guy, and finding some other source of pleasurable stimulation for my brain than journaling or fantasizing or seeking out contact with him.
Whenever you are tempted to journal about him, find something else to do. Find an engrossing hobby, set and pursue a personal goal, start a major cleaning project... just find someplace else to direct that mental energy. Read books and magazines about your topic, look at inspirational websites, start a blog on the subject. Find a project that will engage your mind so that whenever you are tempted to fantasize about the guy, you can redirect your thoughts to the color scheme you are planning for your living room or the next plot twist of your novel or what you learned in your last jiu jitsu class.
Hang in there, you are on the right track in cutting off contact and it will get better in time. Probably a lot less time than you imagine, now that you've stopped feeding the fire.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 8:39 AM on August 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
Fantasy relationships like this are so hard to let go of precisely because they are not real. They lack the unpleasantries of real life. In fact, they lack almost anything that would confront a person with who that person they're dreaming of actually is, and certainly anything bad or anything that would contradict your fantasies. Therefore, they become an empty box that you fill with your dreams, desires, and greatest hopes. That's why it's so hard to give up, because it's 90 percent you. The thing to do is to recognize and reclaim that 90 percent as your own. Like recycling, this will take some processing, and some is harder to recycle than other bits. Much of that energy is your own capacity to love. Notice how similar "being in love" and "caring for someone" feels on your end, no matter who you are with. Reinvest that in your current relationship, or store it in a reserve of hope there. Another portion of that energy may be things you want to become. Maybe he helped bring that side out of you. Identify that and make it a goal you have. (This will feel frustrating, because it was so easy to be X around him, but easy come easy go, so now you have to work.) Another portion might be dreams of what you want from a partner, but that won't be nearly as much of this as you might think. In short, he's just a box where you have stored your hopes and dreams. It's pieces of yourself that you miss, but you can work to get them back.
posted by salvia at 8:57 AM on August 16, 2010 [11 favorites]
posted by salvia at 8:57 AM on August 16, 2010 [11 favorites]
In short, he's just a box where you have stored your hopes and dreams. It's pieces of yourself that you miss, but you can work to get them back.
This is what I came in here to say, but salvia put it much more elegantly than I could have. It's incredibly common to have one person in your life that you feel this way about. In my experience, this usually happens in your twenties and then fades as you learn more about real love, commitment, etc.
I'd say the prescription is time, and maybe a few months with a therapist, mainly so you have someone besides your boyfriend to talk this through with.
But no, you should definitely not seek closure with this guy. One of the wisest people I've ever known, a professor who was also a psychaitrist, once told me that, in seeking closure with other people, we often end up opening up new wounds or simply prolonging the closure process. There's nothing this guy can give you that you can't give yourself, closure-wise.
BTW, I know the feeling of wanting closure and thinking your feelings will never change. I had a fairly similar situation in my 20s. I was lucky enough that I moved away and started a whole new phase of my life, which really helped. But even with 1200 miles between us, literally no contact and completely different life trajectories, it still took me a good two years to get over him, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't still feel a little twinge when someone mentions him. But time and talking with a therapist and a few key friends helped a lot, and now I'm at the point where, if I do think of him at all, it's with fondness and, to be honest, a sense of enormous relief that we're not actually together.
posted by lunasol at 10:19 AM on August 16, 2010
This is what I came in here to say, but salvia put it much more elegantly than I could have. It's incredibly common to have one person in your life that you feel this way about. In my experience, this usually happens in your twenties and then fades as you learn more about real love, commitment, etc.
I'd say the prescription is time, and maybe a few months with a therapist, mainly so you have someone besides your boyfriend to talk this through with.
But no, you should definitely not seek closure with this guy. One of the wisest people I've ever known, a professor who was also a psychaitrist, once told me that, in seeking closure with other people, we often end up opening up new wounds or simply prolonging the closure process. There's nothing this guy can give you that you can't give yourself, closure-wise.
BTW, I know the feeling of wanting closure and thinking your feelings will never change. I had a fairly similar situation in my 20s. I was lucky enough that I moved away and started a whole new phase of my life, which really helped. But even with 1200 miles between us, literally no contact and completely different life trajectories, it still took me a good two years to get over him, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't still feel a little twinge when someone mentions him. But time and talking with a therapist and a few key friends helped a lot, and now I'm at the point where, if I do think of him at all, it's with fondness and, to be honest, a sense of enormous relief that we're not actually together.
posted by lunasol at 10:19 AM on August 16, 2010
I completely agree with what salvia said. Even though the relationship was largely fantasy, your feelings have been real, and you'll experience real feelings of loss when you let it go. Stoneweaver has a good suggestion about giving attention to D's faults and flaws. You might not be able to do that right away, but it really does inject some reality. In one painful break-up I had, thinking about the guy's nose hair really helped me :-)
posted by wryly at 10:25 AM on August 16, 2010
posted by wryly at 10:25 AM on August 16, 2010
Best answer: The worst advice you're getting is to 'forget it' and 'move on.' These platitudes won't help you deal with this or resolve your feelings and they certainly won't help you prevent this from happening again. Sticking your head in the sand is the last thing you want to be doing here, instead see this as the amazing learning opportunity it is.
Think about why you have the echo of this fear of abandonment. Chances are good that these residual feelings 'about him' aren't about him really, but they're about something older, something internal, something that you need to own. Imagine how amazing it will be to go through the process of figuring that out, so that you're aware of it next time.
Look at and think about why you might feel that you can't let go. Think about the processes of grief in your life. Did you learn to grieve loss? Do you accept when your partners decide to move on or leave? How do you and how have you reacted to loss in your life?
Since you've had this experience with him, it's possible that you may need to work on boundaries in the future to avoid a repeat. You describe this feeling like he got under your skin and you can't get him out. Truth is, you brought him 'under your skin' yourself. You allowed that to happen by not respecting and protecting your boundaries. And there are people who will take advantage of those openings and take advantage of your willingness to do that. It's not their fault, or your fault - you're co-responsible for the condition. You fail to protect your boundaries, and they fail to respect your boundaries. But in the end, both of you walk away feeling the same amount of pain. It doesn't have to be that way.
Going forward - work on knowing what you want, asking for it and accepting no if that's the answer. Work on being honest about what you want from the beginning, and accepting that some people won't click with that, be prepared to let them go. Set clear boundaries for your relationships and have a bottom line for everyone in your life. For example - "if he does x two more times, that's it, I'm stepping out and continuing on with my life and letting him work on himself." Work on feeling the pain of hurt when it happens, don't deny it. Don't defend against it, accept that people are not always loving or faithful or good and that they do not tell the truth and that's ok. Feel the pain of betrayal without blaming or shaming anyone. It's OK to ask them to make amends, but don't allow yourself to become mean or try to get retribution. And if they aren't in a place where they can make amends, acknowledge that and walk away.
You can get this out of your head by focusing on understanding what happened between the two of you. If you don't do that, you're likely going to repeat the process with others, in other situations, throughout your life. Finally, work on self-esteem. It sounds cliche, but it's the root of all of this. After all, if you were content with yourself, happy to be who you are and where you are, why would you feel so controlled by someone's flirtation and affections? Face that shadow in you, come to know it better, come to know that it is there and alive beside the good in you - and you can see it without being controlled by it.
posted by jardinier at 8:54 AM on August 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
Think about why you have the echo of this fear of abandonment. Chances are good that these residual feelings 'about him' aren't about him really, but they're about something older, something internal, something that you need to own. Imagine how amazing it will be to go through the process of figuring that out, so that you're aware of it next time.
Look at and think about why you might feel that you can't let go. Think about the processes of grief in your life. Did you learn to grieve loss? Do you accept when your partners decide to move on or leave? How do you and how have you reacted to loss in your life?
Since you've had this experience with him, it's possible that you may need to work on boundaries in the future to avoid a repeat. You describe this feeling like he got under your skin and you can't get him out. Truth is, you brought him 'under your skin' yourself. You allowed that to happen by not respecting and protecting your boundaries. And there are people who will take advantage of those openings and take advantage of your willingness to do that. It's not their fault, or your fault - you're co-responsible for the condition. You fail to protect your boundaries, and they fail to respect your boundaries. But in the end, both of you walk away feeling the same amount of pain. It doesn't have to be that way.
Going forward - work on knowing what you want, asking for it and accepting no if that's the answer. Work on being honest about what you want from the beginning, and accepting that some people won't click with that, be prepared to let them go. Set clear boundaries for your relationships and have a bottom line for everyone in your life. For example - "if he does x two more times, that's it, I'm stepping out and continuing on with my life and letting him work on himself." Work on feeling the pain of hurt when it happens, don't deny it. Don't defend against it, accept that people are not always loving or faithful or good and that they do not tell the truth and that's ok. Feel the pain of betrayal without blaming or shaming anyone. It's OK to ask them to make amends, but don't allow yourself to become mean or try to get retribution. And if they aren't in a place where they can make amends, acknowledge that and walk away.
You can get this out of your head by focusing on understanding what happened between the two of you. If you don't do that, you're likely going to repeat the process with others, in other situations, throughout your life. Finally, work on self-esteem. It sounds cliche, but it's the root of all of this. After all, if you were content with yourself, happy to be who you are and where you are, why would you feel so controlled by someone's flirtation and affections? Face that shadow in you, come to know it better, come to know that it is there and alive beside the good in you - and you can see it without being controlled by it.
posted by jardinier at 8:54 AM on August 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by ryanbryan at 2:16 AM on August 16, 2010