What's appropriate in the world of online dating?
August 14, 2010 6:36 AM Subscribe
OnlineDatingEtiquetteFilter: I'm somewhat new to the online dating scene, opting for free sites such as OKCupid. As a guy interested in women, there's a few points of etiquette that I'm just not exactly sure how to handle. A series of questions after the cut.
posted by anonymous to human relations (30 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
Just turned 30, living in the Boston area. Usually meeting up with 25-32 year old women. I see these first meetups to be mostly just getting together (e.g., coffee, a drink, etc.) in a no pressure situation, not exactly very official date-like.
Situation 1: Date was OK, but no chemistry. End of date left things open for getting together again. What's appropriate?
Grabbed dinner at a local cafe, took a walk afterwards. No real chemistry there. Gave her a hug goodbye. Seemed to be mutual, but its hard to tell, she might have just been nervous. When we left, we went through the motions of "this was fun, perhaps we should do it again sometime," but both of us made some excuses about when we were available. Ended up being "well, I guess we'll figure it out". What's the appropriate response here? Is it okay to just not follow-up with a message? Is that rude? If I should write a message, how should I craft it so its not like I'm preemptively rejecting her? Women, if this was you, how'd you like to be told?
Situation 2: An affectionate first date, followed by a cooled-down second date, and now mixed signals. Help me decipher them?
First date of drinks turned into many drinks (she swore she could drink me under the table) and an invitation back to my place for even more. At my place, things got a little affectionate, some kissing and caressing. Invitation to stay the night was declined. Second date a week later she had cooled off a bit, didn't seem to return flirtation. Putting the ball in her court, I said I'd be at a local coffeehouse at a specific time that weekend and she was welcome to join me if she'd like. While I was there, she IMed me and asked if I was working or just relaxing there, I said a little of both, but she was welcome to join me. She never did. Not sure what was up, I left it to her to contact me again. Later that week, she texts me for a recommendation for her friends and later that night texts me about what I'm up to. I was busy at the time, but said I'd be out soon if she wanted to get together. She was meeting up with a friend for a going away party. I offered to join her, but never got a response. The following night, I see she looked at my profile again. Help me decipher these signals?
Situation 3: I'm financially secure enough to pay, but I'd prefer to split the bill on these first dates. Is there a subtle hint or signal I can give when paying to allow my date to offer to pay/split/get the next round?
Often times, I make more money than the women I'm going out with, and sometimes they're in pretty crappy financial situations (e.g., unemployed, grad student). I can certainly afford to pay for the whole date, but if I keep doing that it can get expensive quickly. It feels rude and pushy to say "Wanna get the next round?" or "Did you want to split the check?" Am I just crazy and this is perfectly acceptable or in 2010 am I, as the guy, still expected to pay for everything?
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