How do I get over past wrongs?
July 28, 2010 10:06 AM Subscribe
How do I get over past wrongs?
Between 8 months and 1 year ago, my long-term boyfriend a) kissed someone else, and b) conducted what amounted to an emotional affair with another person. We had extensive and painful discussion about this and the reasons why it happened. He has expressed considerable regret and changed multiple aspects of his lifestyle/belief system to ensure this kind of thing would not happen again. I believe him - I know we are in a really good place and that we have left a lot of this baggage behind.
EXCEPT. I still get angry about it. Sometimes a memory will float through my mind and I will get immediately furious and frustrated at some past incident or some deceit on his part. I know it's irrational to some degree (because I really feel like this is not in danger of happening again-- he's changed so many things and has demonstrated that I can trust him time and time again), but I somehow feel as if I have this "right" to get really mad at him again. It's because I feel like a fool for having trusted him for some time, and also for "taking him back." And also because I can't hurt him to the same degree or same way that he hurt me. And every time I get mad, even when I get mad at him for unrelated or far pettier things, I feel almost justified in my behavior because some part of my brain says that "what he did to me was far worse." That's true, but that's not a good reason to justify my behavior. I'm not sure what I'm looking for from him: more reassurance? some acknowledgment of the pain he's felt in this process too? I don't know if it makes a difference because no matter what, our situation will still be the same in terms of "wrongs committed" - unequal.
Now now, I know it's not like we're married and it's not like my husband slept with some other woman. But we are pretty serious (if young) and I don't want this to keep dragging my emotional state or this relationship down. I am committed to staying with him - I am happy in so many other ways and overall, our relationship is stronger for having gone through this, and we are excellent at communication - but I am frustrated that I still get irrationally angry about something that should be firmly in the past. So... how do I get over it?
Between 8 months and 1 year ago, my long-term boyfriend a) kissed someone else, and b) conducted what amounted to an emotional affair with another person. We had extensive and painful discussion about this and the reasons why it happened. He has expressed considerable regret and changed multiple aspects of his lifestyle/belief system to ensure this kind of thing would not happen again. I believe him - I know we are in a really good place and that we have left a lot of this baggage behind.
EXCEPT. I still get angry about it. Sometimes a memory will float through my mind and I will get immediately furious and frustrated at some past incident or some deceit on his part. I know it's irrational to some degree (because I really feel like this is not in danger of happening again-- he's changed so many things and has demonstrated that I can trust him time and time again), but I somehow feel as if I have this "right" to get really mad at him again. It's because I feel like a fool for having trusted him for some time, and also for "taking him back." And also because I can't hurt him to the same degree or same way that he hurt me. And every time I get mad, even when I get mad at him for unrelated or far pettier things, I feel almost justified in my behavior because some part of my brain says that "what he did to me was far worse." That's true, but that's not a good reason to justify my behavior. I'm not sure what I'm looking for from him: more reassurance? some acknowledgment of the pain he's felt in this process too? I don't know if it makes a difference because no matter what, our situation will still be the same in terms of "wrongs committed" - unequal.
Now now, I know it's not like we're married and it's not like my husband slept with some other woman. But we are pretty serious (if young) and I don't want this to keep dragging my emotional state or this relationship down. I am committed to staying with him - I am happy in so many other ways and overall, our relationship is stronger for having gone through this, and we are excellent at communication - but I am frustrated that I still get irrationally angry about something that should be firmly in the past. So... how do I get over it?
While it's not exactly on the mark in your case, I've found some answers on my own past issues with an ex by reading up on the paradox of forgiveness - which is basically what I always bumped up against whenever trying to rationalize forgiving him.
The Paradox of Forgiveness
I know they are wrong. If I forgive them, how will they ever learn and change? I will never forgive them. I can't possibly let them get away with it. If I forgive them they will have won. I can never condone what they did; it is unforgivable. Despite these common objections, the truth is that forgiveness is an act of courage and not an act of weakness. Forgiveness is correlated with better physical health, reduced anxiety, reduced anger, and increased self-esteem. Forgiving may elicit a sincere apology which can provide additional comfort. As we reach out to the ones who hurt us, we are the ones who heal. Forgiveness restores the congruence between what you desire and what is possible and constructive.
YMMV, but it helped me move on.
posted by matty at 10:22 AM on July 28, 2010 [22 favorites]
The Paradox of Forgiveness
I know they are wrong. If I forgive them, how will they ever learn and change? I will never forgive them. I can't possibly let them get away with it. If I forgive them they will have won. I can never condone what they did; it is unforgivable. Despite these common objections, the truth is that forgiveness is an act of courage and not an act of weakness. Forgiveness is correlated with better physical health, reduced anxiety, reduced anger, and increased self-esteem. Forgiving may elicit a sincere apology which can provide additional comfort. As we reach out to the ones who hurt us, we are the ones who heal. Forgiveness restores the congruence between what you desire and what is possible and constructive.
YMMV, but it helped me move on.
posted by matty at 10:22 AM on July 28, 2010 [22 favorites]
I think what you are looking for here is time. I don't know how old you are, but you've learned a hard lesson--that the people you love can hurt you worse than anyone else--and only time will help you get through it and start trusting him again. No one is perfect, and you have decided to work through what happened with him. So give yourself time to do this.
Since it has been nearly a year, you might want to talk to someone about what happened, especially if your SO is your only confidante now. You need to be able to vent about all this, get it out of your system, and all the talk with your SO evidently hasn't given you that release yet.
One thing that is keeping you from moving on is your perspective. You seem to worry a lot about equality. You feel like he is "one up" on you. And that's just not conducive to growth.
In every relationship, each partner is required to step up and give more at one time or another. Once you start awarding points and holding grudges, counting up the times when you did THIS and he only did THAT, it all becomes about control and leverage.
But really, a relationship is built on give and take. There's no petty scoring. It's all about working towards a common goal together. if it is a good, healthy relationship, you will get back from it every bit as much as you are willing to give to it, and that's the only "score" you need to worry about.
posted by misha at 10:24 AM on July 28, 2010 [5 favorites]
Since it has been nearly a year, you might want to talk to someone about what happened, especially if your SO is your only confidante now. You need to be able to vent about all this, get it out of your system, and all the talk with your SO evidently hasn't given you that release yet.
One thing that is keeping you from moving on is your perspective. You seem to worry a lot about equality. You feel like he is "one up" on you. And that's just not conducive to growth.
In every relationship, each partner is required to step up and give more at one time or another. Once you start awarding points and holding grudges, counting up the times when you did THIS and he only did THAT, it all becomes about control and leverage.
But really, a relationship is built on give and take. There's no petty scoring. It's all about working towards a common goal together. if it is a good, healthy relationship, you will get back from it every bit as much as you are willing to give to it, and that's the only "score" you need to worry about.
posted by misha at 10:24 AM on July 28, 2010 [5 favorites]
If you would like further reassurance from your boyfriend, there exists a traditional mechanism for such reassurance, which is to get married. Marriage is the most serious committment that people can make, for an exclusive monogamous relationship. Perhaps you should ask him if he likes the idea.
posted by grizzled at 10:34 AM on July 28, 2010
posted by grizzled at 10:34 AM on July 28, 2010
It sounds as if you're feeling obligated to forgive him completely because he's changed so much. You're really not obligated to do this. His self-improvement does not necessarily repair your damaged relationship. If it hasn't, it's destructive to suppress your real feelings or pretend that everything's okay.
Many parts of your post sound to me more like rationalization than reality. You're clearly somewhat stuck, but trying to remind yourself of how much baggage you've left behind. His transgressions apparently included deceit (quite another thing from belief systems and lifestyle choices), yet you're talking about how trustworthy he's been lately. You're trying to dismiss your feelings as irrational because you're not married, as if that took away the hurt.
Frankly, I'd suggest you take a break from this relationship.
posted by jon1270 at 10:38 AM on July 28, 2010 [3 favorites]
Many parts of your post sound to me more like rationalization than reality. You're clearly somewhat stuck, but trying to remind yourself of how much baggage you've left behind. His transgressions apparently included deceit (quite another thing from belief systems and lifestyle choices), yet you're talking about how trustworthy he's been lately. You're trying to dismiss your feelings as irrational because you're not married, as if that took away the hurt.
Frankly, I'd suggest you take a break from this relationship.
posted by jon1270 at 10:38 AM on July 28, 2010 [3 favorites]
According to the forums at Surviving Infidelity, it can take anywhere from 2-5 years to "completely" recover from an affair -- random intruding thoughts, triggers, flashbacks are common. And what he had *are* affairs. Also, it's common to feel worse around anniversaries.
I wish I had more, but I'm in a similar boat.
posted by MeiraV at 10:39 AM on July 28, 2010
I wish I had more, but I'm in a similar boat.
posted by MeiraV at 10:39 AM on July 28, 2010
I went through something similar where trust was broken and we have worked through it successfully (so far) Something that always helps me is getting to the root of what is really bothering me. I hear what you are saying about 'justified' anger..But anger for me is almost always a secondary emotion. And for me, anger doesn't help, even if it is justified so I think it is good that you recognize that and are asking for help in dealing with it. Usually my anger is is fear based, you said you felt like a fool, and my guess is you're afraid all of that will happen again. You say he has changed and sound very confident of that. Trust takes a long time to build back and never comes back as quickly as I want. If he can do some things to make it easier on you, try to communicate those things to him, for example, calling at certain times, answering questions you ask in an open honest way and not being defensive when you ask or whatever helps you. Those things make it easier, but ultimately nothing will take the place of time, as others have mentioned. Awareness of what my emotions are does help though, that the reason I'm angry is fear or hurt pride, etc.
posted by heatherly at 10:40 AM on July 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by heatherly at 10:40 AM on July 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
forgiveness is an act of courage (as stated above) and can/should include boundaries as well. my ex taught me this well. many times i did jerky things and she forgave me AND was kind enough to remind me of HER boundaries. for ex: she'd say something like "OK let's go to that party, but let me tell you what's not gonna happen. you're not going to talk to that chick and forget i exist". or "oh why do you wanna go? b/c that chick is going to be there? oh no, i'm not dealing with that tonight". it was very tongue n cheek and i found it to be a sweet reminder. then i have an opportunity to say "aw come on, it won't be like that, i promise" and then i get to live up to my word and be accountable. along with forgiveness, your BF might need a bit of re-training. if you want to be with him, advocate for yourself in the moment. it take some practise but it'll do you good in the long run. allow him & yourself to make mistakes and realize that they can be fixed.good luck.
posted by UltraD at 11:09 AM on July 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by UltraD at 11:09 AM on July 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
I was once in a horrible relationship, and one of our patterns was that when he did something wrong, I would overreact and abuse him so that I became the one who was "more wrong." That was the only way I could forgive him - to feel that we were at least equally bad. Otherwise, the sense that his treatment of me was unfar gnawed at me and prevented me from forgiving him. I sense in your post that you're doing a similar thing where you're keeping track of the "balance" of wrongs in the relationship, and because he is "more wrong," you can't let go. From my experience, I can tell you that piling wrongs on your side of the scale will not actually help you let go of this infidelity, which you have clearly not yet fully forgiven. I don't know what advice to give you, other than to be aware of the un-constructive impulses you're feeling and not give in to them.
posted by prefpara at 11:31 AM on July 28, 2010
posted by prefpara at 11:31 AM on July 28, 2010
What I'm going to suggest is going to be easy for me to say because I'm not dealing with what you are - it's based on my intuitive sense of what might be helpful, not on anything that's worked for me personally.
That said, you might find it useful to try to re-evaluate your scale of how upsetting these things are, if you can. I'm not saying this to minimize what you've gone through, but to remind you that you get to decide what it means to you that your boyfriend did these things - you don't have to accept the meaning put on them by other people, if you don't want to. You don't give a lot of details about the emotional affair so I'm going to focus on the kissing. Write out a list of things that your boyfriend could do that wouldn't upset you as much as kissing someone else. Anything you can think of - leaving the toilet seat up, forgetting your birthday, etc. Then ask yourself, honestly, if kissing someone else once is really worse than everything on that list. Maybe it is. But there's a decent chance it won't be. If that's the case, there's a good chance that you're being influenced by other peoples' narratives about what is or is not fatal to a relationship. YMMV, but I think that if I had a long relationship with someone, and these things were the worst things she ever did to me, I would be pretty lucky.
posted by Ragged Richard at 11:36 AM on July 28, 2010
That said, you might find it useful to try to re-evaluate your scale of how upsetting these things are, if you can. I'm not saying this to minimize what you've gone through, but to remind you that you get to decide what it means to you that your boyfriend did these things - you don't have to accept the meaning put on them by other people, if you don't want to. You don't give a lot of details about the emotional affair so I'm going to focus on the kissing. Write out a list of things that your boyfriend could do that wouldn't upset you as much as kissing someone else. Anything you can think of - leaving the toilet seat up, forgetting your birthday, etc. Then ask yourself, honestly, if kissing someone else once is really worse than everything on that list. Maybe it is. But there's a decent chance it won't be. If that's the case, there's a good chance that you're being influenced by other peoples' narratives about what is or is not fatal to a relationship. YMMV, but I think that if I had a long relationship with someone, and these things were the worst things she ever did to me, I would be pretty lucky.
posted by Ragged Richard at 11:36 AM on July 28, 2010
but I somehow feel as if I have this "right" to get really mad at him again. It's because I feel like a fool for having trusted him for some time, and also for "taking him back."
If you really feel like this you should let him go.
posted by ServSci at 11:49 AM on July 28, 2010 [4 favorites]
If you really feel like this you should let him go.
posted by ServSci at 11:49 AM on July 28, 2010 [4 favorites]
... no matter what, our situation will still be the same in terms of "wrongs committed" - unequal.
I've been cheated on several times. I've felt that I had the right to be angry about these things a year later and such. I know how difficult it is to forgive and to not hold it over the other person's head. There's nothing wrong with still occasionally feeling betrayed and upset over what happened a year ago -- that's fine, you can feel what you feel -- but this sort of scorekeeping is not going to help your situation. Although relationships have to be based on mutual, well-balanced contribution, one of the tricky bits is that it usually has to be done without anyone keeping a running tally.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 12:21 PM on July 28, 2010
I've been cheated on several times. I've felt that I had the right to be angry about these things a year later and such. I know how difficult it is to forgive and to not hold it over the other person's head. There's nothing wrong with still occasionally feeling betrayed and upset over what happened a year ago -- that's fine, you can feel what you feel -- but this sort of scorekeeping is not going to help your situation. Although relationships have to be based on mutual, well-balanced contribution, one of the tricky bits is that it usually has to be done without anyone keeping a running tally.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 12:21 PM on July 28, 2010
If you are a Christian, you have to realize that everyone is a sinner but you can still forgive them. You can like someone regardless of their faults, even if those faults may be severe. Some people have forgiven murderers.
Liking someone has to come from your end though. You have to find something about them that is important to you or that is pure and focus on that. If every time you look at him you see the damaged baggage instead of the good things he's done then you have a long way to go to repair the damage.
As a daily exercise picture him in your mind and start associating good things he has done or accomplished. Do this as many times a day as necessary until it starts taking precedence over any bad thoughts. In any relationship this is what you should be doing.
posted by JJ86 at 12:30 PM on July 28, 2010
Liking someone has to come from your end though. You have to find something about them that is important to you or that is pure and focus on that. If every time you look at him you see the damaged baggage instead of the good things he's done then you have a long way to go to repair the damage.
As a daily exercise picture him in your mind and start associating good things he has done or accomplished. Do this as many times a day as necessary until it starts taking precedence over any bad thoughts. In any relationship this is what you should be doing.
posted by JJ86 at 12:30 PM on July 28, 2010
Honestly... it doesn't sound like you've totally forgiven him yet. If you had you wouldn't feel the need to continue punishing him. Betrayal is very difficult to forgive no matter how badly you want to forgive the person who hurt you.
From your description he's done everything he can to show you he wants this to work.
Perhaps there is something else you need from him that you haven't voiced. Maybe you aren't even consciously aware of what it is. I don't think every situation needs a counselor to be resolved but if it's been a year it might be time to consider it.
Good luck!!
posted by Weaslegirl at 4:28 PM on July 28, 2010
From your description he's done everything he can to show you he wants this to work.
Perhaps there is something else you need from him that you haven't voiced. Maybe you aren't even consciously aware of what it is. I don't think every situation needs a counselor to be resolved but if it's been a year it might be time to consider it.
Good luck!!
posted by Weaslegirl at 4:28 PM on July 28, 2010
I would give it some time and give yourself permission to be angry about it for a little while.
Also, I don't think getting married is the solution to not really being over a past wrong.
posted by getawaysticks at 7:05 AM on August 3, 2010
Also, I don't think getting married is the solution to not really being over a past wrong.
posted by getawaysticks at 7:05 AM on August 3, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by The1andonly at 10:16 AM on July 28, 2010 [2 favorites]