I'll Give You Something to Resent Me For
July 12, 2010 1:14 PM Subscribe
Me: unable to get past feeling majorly disappointed in my parents. You: someone who can tell me how to get over it.
I am very close with my parents, especially since I am an only child. Last winter, they moved 1400 miles to my neck of the woods (actually, 1 mile from my neck of the woods) to be near us. They are both retired and each summer, they move to a major European city to spend six months there. It's what they worked for for all of those years and they love living there. This has not been a problem in the past.
Our first child (and their first grandchild) was born in March of this year. Despite this, we never asked them to stay or to postpone their trip this summer. They ended up leaving only two weeks after they normally would and will be there until Halloween.
When they first left, I was pretty disappointed because they had been such a great help with the baby (and the dog) and it was such a shock to go from having four pairs of helping hands to two pairs. But, as time has gone on, I am becoming more and more disappointed and angry that they chose Europe over the first year of their grandson's (and probably only grandchild) life. It's not the lack of help - it's that they are missing out watching him grow and develop. They moved here to be with us and yet, at the most critical time, left. And, they make remarks like 'we miss you' and 'we can't wait to see you' as if they have been exiled there instead of making a conscious decision to leave. It also piques me no end that they don't seem to be doing much of anything there that would justify leaving.
It doesn't help my sense of resentment that we are also having to take care of their house, their car and their mail, on top of everything else, while they're gone. Nor does it help that all of our friends (and even some of their friends) have expressed great surprise that they chose to go this summer rather than stay here for one summer and watch their grandson grow.
Am I being unreasonable and selfish to hope that they would have stayed or at least cut their trip short (six months is a long time in the life of a newborn) so that they could spend more time with their grandchild? Even if I am being unreasonable, how do I get past these feelings since I cannot tell them how I really feel?
I am very close with my parents, especially since I am an only child. Last winter, they moved 1400 miles to my neck of the woods (actually, 1 mile from my neck of the woods) to be near us. They are both retired and each summer, they move to a major European city to spend six months there. It's what they worked for for all of those years and they love living there. This has not been a problem in the past.
Our first child (and their first grandchild) was born in March of this year. Despite this, we never asked them to stay or to postpone their trip this summer. They ended up leaving only two weeks after they normally would and will be there until Halloween.
When they first left, I was pretty disappointed because they had been such a great help with the baby (and the dog) and it was such a shock to go from having four pairs of helping hands to two pairs. But, as time has gone on, I am becoming more and more disappointed and angry that they chose Europe over the first year of their grandson's (and probably only grandchild) life. It's not the lack of help - it's that they are missing out watching him grow and develop. They moved here to be with us and yet, at the most critical time, left. And, they make remarks like 'we miss you' and 'we can't wait to see you' as if they have been exiled there instead of making a conscious decision to leave. It also piques me no end that they don't seem to be doing much of anything there that would justify leaving.
It doesn't help my sense of resentment that we are also having to take care of their house, their car and their mail, on top of everything else, while they're gone. Nor does it help that all of our friends (and even some of their friends) have expressed great surprise that they chose to go this summer rather than stay here for one summer and watch their grandson grow.
Am I being unreasonable and selfish to hope that they would have stayed or at least cut their trip short (six months is a long time in the life of a newborn) so that they could spend more time with their grandchild? Even if I am being unreasonable, how do I get past these feelings since I cannot tell them how I really feel?
Let me get this straight... you never told them you wanted them to stay, and now that they've left, you're upset about it? All due respect, but if your parents are anything like mine, they can't read minds. It sounds as if this is the routine they've followed for years, and unless you explicitly state that you want the routine to change, you should expect it to continue on its usual path. They even stuck around two weeks longer than usual, which sounds rather generous if you ask me.
I don't have any particular solution for you, except to stop focusing on your parents and start focusing on your own expectations and communication skills.
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 1:19 PM on July 12, 2010 [4 favorites]
I don't have any particular solution for you, except to stop focusing on your parents and start focusing on your own expectations and communication skills.
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 1:19 PM on July 12, 2010 [4 favorites]
You might want to take a look at this recent, very similar previous question
posted by Perplexity at 1:22 PM on July 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Perplexity at 1:22 PM on July 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
I highly recommend this similar thread about varying expectations of how much grandparents should be involved in their young grandchildren's lives. The gist of my answer is that grandparents are also people with their own priorities and own happiness to consider, and while they almost undoubtedly love you and your son, it's also exhausting for most senior couples to take care of a baby.
posted by zoomorphic at 1:22 PM on July 12, 2010
posted by zoomorphic at 1:22 PM on July 12, 2010
I say this with a heart that swells with love for the children in my life and as kindly as possible: little children are really not all that fun in large doses. Spending my entire vacation with a 3-year-old? Thank you, but no. There will be many years for the grandparents to get to know your daughter; I'm closer now to my grandparents than ever before, and I'm in my late 20s. Your daughter won't think it's strange that her grandparents don't spend weeks at a time with her unless you teach her to.
- the always intelligent ThePinkSuperhero
posted by Think_Long at 1:22 PM on July 12, 2010 [12 favorites]
- the always intelligent ThePinkSuperhero
posted by Think_Long at 1:22 PM on July 12, 2010 [12 favorites]
Best answer: There was a very similar question to this recently (I just searched, but I fail) and many if not most of the answers were just like the two above. I understand how you feel - it isn't that the baby will remember, it is that you want to share this amazing time with your parents, and it feels very disappointing that they don't want to share it with you.
posted by pinky at 1:23 PM on July 12, 2010
posted by pinky at 1:23 PM on July 12, 2010
Oh please, it's just a baby. All it's doing mostly now is pooping and sleeping and hello, they've already seen that show (i.e. you).
If you want them to do something, ask them. If you don't want to take care of their affairs while they're gone say so.
posted by new brand day at 1:23 PM on July 12, 2010 [19 favorites]
If you want them to do something, ask them. If you don't want to take care of their affairs while they're gone say so.
posted by new brand day at 1:23 PM on July 12, 2010 [19 favorites]
You might gain some insight on their point of view by reading this question.
Why can't you tell them how you really feel?
posted by punchtothehead at 1:25 PM on July 12, 2010
Why can't you tell them how you really feel?
posted by punchtothehead at 1:25 PM on July 12, 2010
Best answer: Even if I am being unreasonable, how do I get past these feelings since I cannot tell them how I really feel?
I think realistically, saying something to them IS the way to get over it. From how I read your post, they know NOTHING of your feelings, and you let the resentment simmer for an extended period while saying nothing. I think this kind of secret-keeping is less healthy than expressing your disappointment. You don't have to blow up in their face, just convey that you feel hurt.
posted by StrikeTheViol at 1:27 PM on July 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
I think realistically, saying something to them IS the way to get over it. From how I read your post, they know NOTHING of your feelings, and you let the resentment simmer for an extended period while saying nothing. I think this kind of secret-keeping is less healthy than expressing your disappointment. You don't have to blow up in their face, just convey that you feel hurt.
posted by StrikeTheViol at 1:27 PM on July 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
What isn't clear is if you have stated your desires to your parents or not. Just because friends express surprise at your parents' decision to live elsewhere for a short time doesn't mean your parents see things through the same prism you (or your neighbors) do. Perhaps they feel that they'd be getting in your way, or are the kind of people who say "if they needed us, they'd ask, and we don't want to interfere." There are a million possible reasons for their actions, but solving this boils down to one thing -- you need to explicitly state what you would love from them, and they get to talk about why or why not that's something they want to do.
I would strongly advise that if they still decide to go, just let them do it. It doesn't mean they're bad parents or grandparents, and things may change over time -- maybe they aren't baby people but will be great grandparents when your child is older. Give them room to be good on their terms, not just yours.
(That said, I understand your hurt feelings -- my parents are 5 miles from me and not very helpful, even when I ask.)
posted by mdiskin at 1:28 PM on July 12, 2010
I would strongly advise that if they still decide to go, just let them do it. It doesn't mean they're bad parents or grandparents, and things may change over time -- maybe they aren't baby people but will be great grandparents when your child is older. Give them room to be good on their terms, not just yours.
(That said, I understand your hurt feelings -- my parents are 5 miles from me and not very helpful, even when I ask.)
posted by mdiskin at 1:28 PM on July 12, 2010
They already did the baby thing with you. It's your baby, not theirs. Let it go and find other ways to share his progress with them - Skype, videos, photos, etc.
posted by cecic at 1:29 PM on July 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by cecic at 1:29 PM on July 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
And just to emphasize the reality disconnect that some moms and dads feel when their own parents seem to bow out of Xtreme grandparenting: I was recently listening to a super-fit grandfather, a big man who weightlifts and runs in his spare time, complain about how utterly exhausting it was to babysit his 19 month-old granddaughter. It's not just that older people lack the physical means that you have to care for your infant - they'd just rather not spend all their mental energy taking care of a little person. Of course it's easier to take care of a baby with four people! Babies are freaking hard work! Let your parents enjoy their retirement and be happy that they've moved halfway across the world to be closer to you for part of the time.
posted by zoomorphic at 1:29 PM on July 12, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by zoomorphic at 1:29 PM on July 12, 2010 [3 favorites]
It doesn't help my sense of resentment that we are also having to take care of their house, their car and their mail, on top of everything else, while they're gone.
"Mom and Dad, we're really busy with little Leezie right now, can Neighbor pick up your mail? So-and-so has volunteered to check on the house. We'll make another set of keys for them." (I don't know why you need to "take care of a car" while they're gone except to confirm it's not been stolen.)
posted by desjardins at 1:29 PM on July 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
"Mom and Dad, we're really busy with little Leezie right now, can Neighbor pick up your mail? So-and-so has volunteered to check on the house. We'll make another set of keys for them." (I don't know why you need to "take care of a car" while they're gone except to confirm it's not been stolen.)
posted by desjardins at 1:29 PM on July 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
(six months is a long time in the life of a newborn) (Leezie)
I certainly hope it isn't a long time in the life of this newborn! Remember, your baby isn't just a baby, he's a person, and with any luck will have many, many years to enjoy his grandparents (and for his grandparents to enjoy him).
When your parents return, perhaps you could say to them, "Mom and Dad, I know you worked hard to be able to live in Europe each summer once you retired, and I am glad you are able to do so. But I didn't realize how much I would miss having you here now while Baby is still so little. For the next couple years, until Baby is in pre-school [or some other pre-determined stopping point], could you make your trip to Europe shorter, or split it into parts? It would mean so much to me to have you here."
Keep in mind that they have every right to spend their time the way they've decided to, and that this is your request, not their obligation. At the same time, your feelings are valid, too, and you couldn't have foreseen them. You shouldn't blame them for your feelings, but you can let them know how you've been affected by their absence during this time in your son's life.
Remember, too, that some people (often especially those who have already raised their own children) are not as enamored of infants as babies' parents are. Perhaps, once you've raised the topic, you'll find out that they've been planning to change their schedule all along, once Baby is no longer an infant, but a curious, creative pre-schooler whom they can interact with more fully.
posted by ocherdraco at 1:30 PM on July 12, 2010 [3 favorites]
I certainly hope it isn't a long time in the life of this newborn! Remember, your baby isn't just a baby, he's a person, and with any luck will have many, many years to enjoy his grandparents (and for his grandparents to enjoy him).
When your parents return, perhaps you could say to them, "Mom and Dad, I know you worked hard to be able to live in Europe each summer once you retired, and I am glad you are able to do so. But I didn't realize how much I would miss having you here now while Baby is still so little. For the next couple years, until Baby is in pre-school [or some other pre-determined stopping point], could you make your trip to Europe shorter, or split it into parts? It would mean so much to me to have you here."
Keep in mind that they have every right to spend their time the way they've decided to, and that this is your request, not their obligation. At the same time, your feelings are valid, too, and you couldn't have foreseen them. You shouldn't blame them for your feelings, but you can let them know how you've been affected by their absence during this time in your son's life.
Remember, too, that some people (often especially those who have already raised their own children) are not as enamored of infants as babies' parents are. Perhaps, once you've raised the topic, you'll find out that they've been planning to change their schedule all along, once Baby is no longer an infant, but a curious, creative pre-schooler whom they can interact with more fully.
posted by ocherdraco at 1:30 PM on July 12, 2010 [3 favorites]
When your parents return (ocherdraco)
Or now, even—you've let this simmer long enough.
posted by ocherdraco at 1:33 PM on July 12, 2010
Or now, even—you've let this simmer long enough.
posted by ocherdraco at 1:33 PM on July 12, 2010
Nth see earlier question...
Am I being unreasonable and selfish
Yes, this.
They just moved to be near you, spent a period helping out with a newborn and a dog, and now you resent picking up their mail? What? Wow.
Your baby will still be a baby when they return -- it is not a 'critical time.'
I have a <3yo and remember the early days and the sleep deprivation and 24/7 work, and resulting narrow focus and crankiness. Eventually you will be a little embarrassed about this question and wonder what you were thinking, as parenting gets smoother. Wish your parents well and look forward to showing off the baby and your own competency when they return, refreshed and ready for more grandparenting.
posted by kmennie at 1:34 PM on July 12, 2010 [9 favorites]
Am I being unreasonable and selfish
Yes, this.
They just moved to be near you, spent a period helping out with a newborn and a dog, and now you resent picking up their mail? What? Wow.
Your baby will still be a baby when they return -- it is not a 'critical time.'
I have a <3yo and remember the early days and the sleep deprivation and 24/7 work, and resulting narrow focus and crankiness. Eventually you will be a little embarrassed about this question and wonder what you were thinking, as parenting gets smoother. Wish your parents well and look forward to showing off the baby and your own competency when they return, refreshed and ready for more grandparenting.
posted by kmennie at 1:34 PM on July 12, 2010 [9 favorites]
This is your child, not theirs. Until kids start to develop a personality of their own, they're all pretty much the same. They've seen it all before. If you were expecting some free help with the child (ref: four pairs of hands), then yes, your expectations were too high.
To get over it, remind yourself that these people have no obligation whatsoever to help you in any way shape or form. Any perceived obligation on your part is in your own head. The fact that they are your parents is immaterial. Keep telling yourself that.
Did you agree at some point to look after their stuff while they were away? That agreement might be them mentioning you doing it, casually in conversation, and you not saying no. If you did, that's a choice you made. It's now your responsibility to deal with that.
The reason that your friends are shocked might be due to the way that you're presenting the issue.
posted by Solomon at 1:34 PM on July 12, 2010 [3 favorites]
To get over it, remind yourself that these people have no obligation whatsoever to help you in any way shape or form. Any perceived obligation on your part is in your own head. The fact that they are your parents is immaterial. Keep telling yourself that.
Did you agree at some point to look after their stuff while they were away? That agreement might be them mentioning you doing it, casually in conversation, and you not saying no. If you did, that's a choice you made. It's now your responsibility to deal with that.
The reason that your friends are shocked might be due to the way that you're presenting the issue.
posted by Solomon at 1:34 PM on July 12, 2010 [3 favorites]
Frankly, it does sound like the lack of help.
Your folks don't owe you oohing-and-ahhing. I assume they did their share while raising you. But they do owe you the courtesy of not dumping extra chores on you - especially when they have reason to know how full your hands are right now.
Politely explain that, much as you'd like to help, your child-rearing responsibilities are taking up all of your time.
posted by Joe Beese at 1:35 PM on July 12, 2010
Your folks don't owe you oohing-and-ahhing. I assume they did their share while raising you. But they do owe you the courtesy of not dumping extra chores on you - especially when they have reason to know how full your hands are right now.
Politely explain that, much as you'd like to help, your child-rearing responsibilities are taking up all of your time.
posted by Joe Beese at 1:35 PM on July 12, 2010
Despite this, we never asked them to stay or to postpone their trip this summer.
I sympathize, because this is a huge moment for you and naturally you want them to share in your joy, and as a new parent you could always benefit from help, but... you're getting angry at them for not doing something that you didn't actually ask them to do. That's a little unreasonable.
On top of that, they moved to be with you, have already been helping out with the baby, and are going to see a ton of him in the near future and will witness many of his milestones. That's a lot more than many new grandparents offer to do, or even have the privilege of doing. I bet there are plenty of retirees who would drop everything to live near their child and newborn grandchild, but can't for various reasons.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:35 PM on July 12, 2010
I sympathize, because this is a huge moment for you and naturally you want them to share in your joy, and as a new parent you could always benefit from help, but... you're getting angry at them for not doing something that you didn't actually ask them to do. That's a little unreasonable.
On top of that, they moved to be with you, have already been helping out with the baby, and are going to see a ton of him in the near future and will witness many of his milestones. That's a lot more than many new grandparents offer to do, or even have the privilege of doing. I bet there are plenty of retirees who would drop everything to live near their child and newborn grandchild, but can't for various reasons.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:35 PM on July 12, 2010
While I think that you are being a tad bit selfish, I think it's pretty ridiculous that your parents expect you to care for their home while taking care of a newborn. Not only did you go from having 4 hands to 2, you went from taking care of one house and a newborn (and yourselves!), to two houses, a newborn, and yourselves. You should be napping at any free moment you get, not running to your parent's house to check their mail. No wonder you are feeling overwhelmed!
Ask them if they have any friends who can take over the house-watching for the summer. It might help with your stress.
posted by two lights above the sea at 1:36 PM on July 12, 2010 [3 favorites]
Ask them if they have any friends who can take over the house-watching for the summer. It might help with your stress.
posted by two lights above the sea at 1:36 PM on July 12, 2010 [3 favorites]
Your parents moved halfway across the country so that they could be near your family and help you out six months out of the year, and your complaint is that they don't also help you out during the other six months?
posted by decathecting at 1:39 PM on July 12, 2010 [24 favorites]
posted by decathecting at 1:39 PM on July 12, 2010 [24 favorites]
Hey have you read this question about grandparents preferring the beach?
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
Agreed with everyone else, babies are a ton of work, not that much fun, and they've raised their own -- they've already been through this. Plus, they've moved a very significant distance to be with you more -- clearly, they care a lot.
But I just wanted to throw out a standard thing I throw out in threads like these, so feel free to discount -- you might want to take inventory for a little case of post-partum depression. Depression, in my case, often manifests itself with a good case of unfair resentment toward others. If you are having frustrations and hurt feelings other than this, you might want to do a little emotional inventory.
And please forgive me for going beyond the confines of the question. I just personally had a nasty case of PPD and I recognized it only in retrospect and after I'd gotten some meds so I feel obligated to deliver PSAs.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 1:39 PM on July 12, 2010
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
Agreed with everyone else, babies are a ton of work, not that much fun, and they've raised their own -- they've already been through this. Plus, they've moved a very significant distance to be with you more -- clearly, they care a lot.
But I just wanted to throw out a standard thing I throw out in threads like these, so feel free to discount -- you might want to take inventory for a little case of post-partum depression. Depression, in my case, often manifests itself with a good case of unfair resentment toward others. If you are having frustrations and hurt feelings other than this, you might want to do a little emotional inventory.
And please forgive me for going beyond the confines of the question. I just personally had a nasty case of PPD and I recognized it only in retrospect and after I'd gotten some meds so I feel obligated to deliver PSAs.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 1:39 PM on July 12, 2010
This is your kid. They already raised their children. Enjoy the alone time with your son.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:42 PM on July 12, 2010
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:42 PM on July 12, 2010
Best answer: Your logic, "They are missing the first ___ of my child's life!" only applies to parents. Not grandparents. Grandparents are under no obligation to be present at every milestone of their grandchild's life. To wish for that is to wish for your parents never to leave your baby's side, not for an hour, not for a day, not for a week, not for a summer.
Your parents were already present for the fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, and eighth months of someone else's life -- yours. And because they were there throughout your life, they understand that there will be other infant milestones to celebrate when they return after Halloween.
Can I make a suggestion? Count the blessings bestowed upon you and your baby. Specifically this one: you have parents, whom you love, who retired to Europe. This, to me, implies significant financial and/or cultural wealth. That may not mean much now, when you are struggling to care for your newborn and missing your own parents. But I am sure your parents' good fortune will make a difference to your child in the future.
posted by hhc5 at 1:43 PM on July 12, 2010 [6 favorites]
Your parents were already present for the fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, and eighth months of someone else's life -- yours. And because they were there throughout your life, they understand that there will be other infant milestones to celebrate when they return after Halloween.
Can I make a suggestion? Count the blessings bestowed upon you and your baby. Specifically this one: you have parents, whom you love, who retired to Europe. This, to me, implies significant financial and/or cultural wealth. That may not mean much now, when you are struggling to care for your newborn and missing your own parents. But I am sure your parents' good fortune will make a difference to your child in the future.
posted by hhc5 at 1:43 PM on July 12, 2010 [6 favorites]
After moving 1400 miles to be near you, you're upset because they're not still not near you enough? I would say selfish. Do you really expect them to cut back or cancel a lifestyle that you say they worked decades specifically for until the kid is 18? Or until it hits 14 or 15 and isn't as "cute" any more, or maturing as obviously? It's not like the upcoming years aren't going to have their own amazing changes and developments. That would end up equating to giving up their retirement dreams to stay near this child year round. Are you kidding? Even staying till 5 or 6 is a huge expectation to have. Not everyone thinks babies, even grandbabies, are the be all and end all of fun life events, even though some people do (the friends you mentioned).
After saying that, if I'd just had a baby, I think I might actually feel weirdly resentful in the same way for awhile, just because I wouldn't be able to fathom how something so awesome to me could be "unimportant" enough that other people could just go about their lives as if the universe hadn't just shifted and go on vacation. Kind of like how it's common to feel bitter and angry after people die - your world has been shaken and you want everyone to acknowledge it and feel the same. But, similarly, you can't expect this to happen and act like there's logical reasons for being annoyed when it doesn't. There are emotional reasons, true, but that's your issue to work through, not anyone else's.
Maybe next summer, if you're still feeling resentful about this, ask them to have someone else take care of their mail, etc. In the meantime, try to remember they don't owe you their retirement. If they want to laze around Europe and do absolutely NOTHING, they are entitled to that. They don't need a "reason" to not stay around to help you out/dote on the baby, especially when they're going to be nearby at least half of every year.
posted by wending my way at 1:44 PM on July 12, 2010
After saying that, if I'd just had a baby, I think I might actually feel weirdly resentful in the same way for awhile, just because I wouldn't be able to fathom how something so awesome to me could be "unimportant" enough that other people could just go about their lives as if the universe hadn't just shifted and go on vacation. Kind of like how it's common to feel bitter and angry after people die - your world has been shaken and you want everyone to acknowledge it and feel the same. But, similarly, you can't expect this to happen and act like there's logical reasons for being annoyed when it doesn't. There are emotional reasons, true, but that's your issue to work through, not anyone else's.
Maybe next summer, if you're still feeling resentful about this, ask them to have someone else take care of their mail, etc. In the meantime, try to remember they don't owe you their retirement. If they want to laze around Europe and do absolutely NOTHING, they are entitled to that. They don't need a "reason" to not stay around to help you out/dote on the baby, especially when they're going to be nearby at least half of every year.
posted by wending my way at 1:44 PM on July 12, 2010
Response by poster: Just to clarify - I never wanted them to stay for free child care. Baby Leezie is in daycare and would be regardless of whether they are here or not.
It's also not that I want them here 24/7 or to watch the baby every second for some little developmental milestone, it's that they express so much interest in how he's growing, etc., which tells me that they are very much wanting to be involved and yet they still chose to go (and now stay, until the end of October).
As for not asking them to stay, we did tell them that we would be sad to see them go, but at that point, it was because we would have missed their extra hands. I didn't realize that I would also be sad that they weren't here in person to experience him on a regular (not daily, not hourly) basis. Now, of course, the barn door is wide open and they're gone.
Thanks to everyone for some much needed perspective.
posted by Leezie at 1:44 PM on July 12, 2010
It's also not that I want them here 24/7 or to watch the baby every second for some little developmental milestone, it's that they express so much interest in how he's growing, etc., which tells me that they are very much wanting to be involved and yet they still chose to go (and now stay, until the end of October).
As for not asking them to stay, we did tell them that we would be sad to see them go, but at that point, it was because we would have missed their extra hands. I didn't realize that I would also be sad that they weren't here in person to experience him on a regular (not daily, not hourly) basis. Now, of course, the barn door is wide open and they're gone.
Thanks to everyone for some much needed perspective.
posted by Leezie at 1:44 PM on July 12, 2010
First, a disclaimer. I do not have children. I also live thousands of miles from my parents, and it's likely that will continue when/if I ever have children.
Would you feel this way if they had not moved closer to you? Would you feel that they were "missing out" by continuing to live their lives 1400 miles away?
Also, unless there is something very heavy here that you're not sharing with us, my assumption is that your baby is going to continue to grow and change and develop every year, not just this year. Is it really so terrible that they miss six months of their grandchild's life? It seems like you are in contact, and that they can share in your baby's development from a distance (Europe isn't the moon - there's always email, flickr, facebook, skype...). Heck, you could probably go and visit them if you wanted to, depending on where you are and where they are. They let babies into most European countries, last I heard.
Now, an anecdote.
When I was a baby, my grandfather was transfered by his company to Douala, Cameroon. My grandparents lived in Cameroon for most of my young childhood, and they missed the births of two of my three brothers. Until I was 8 or 9 years old I saw them once or twice a year, for a few weeks. I missed them a lot, and it was AWESOME when they moved back to the states. Especially because I was older and could go stay with them for long periods, and they could meaningfully participate in my life (coming to my school plays and dance recitals, special holiday traditions, taking me to the zoo, museums, etc).
I've never felt like my grandparents snubbed me, or that they missed seeing me grow up. On the contrary - many of my earliest childhood memories are of meeting them at the airport, of them coming home for the holidays, of them bringing me presents from Africa and their other travels, of my aunts and uncles going to visit and coming home with all sorts of amazing stories from traveling around Africa. It's part of what gave me the travel bug, in fact. And 29 years after they left for Cameroon, I'm a budding travel writer with a BA in anthropology who's backpacked through 4 continents.
This is not necessarily a trajectory that leads to a miserable kid and a family divided. It can also lead to a lot of pretty fantastic opportunities for your child.
posted by Sara C. at 1:44 PM on July 12, 2010
Would you feel this way if they had not moved closer to you? Would you feel that they were "missing out" by continuing to live their lives 1400 miles away?
Also, unless there is something very heavy here that you're not sharing with us, my assumption is that your baby is going to continue to grow and change and develop every year, not just this year. Is it really so terrible that they miss six months of their grandchild's life? It seems like you are in contact, and that they can share in your baby's development from a distance (Europe isn't the moon - there's always email, flickr, facebook, skype...). Heck, you could probably go and visit them if you wanted to, depending on where you are and where they are. They let babies into most European countries, last I heard.
Now, an anecdote.
When I was a baby, my grandfather was transfered by his company to Douala, Cameroon. My grandparents lived in Cameroon for most of my young childhood, and they missed the births of two of my three brothers. Until I was 8 or 9 years old I saw them once or twice a year, for a few weeks. I missed them a lot, and it was AWESOME when they moved back to the states. Especially because I was older and could go stay with them for long periods, and they could meaningfully participate in my life (coming to my school plays and dance recitals, special holiday traditions, taking me to the zoo, museums, etc).
I've never felt like my grandparents snubbed me, or that they missed seeing me grow up. On the contrary - many of my earliest childhood memories are of meeting them at the airport, of them coming home for the holidays, of them bringing me presents from Africa and their other travels, of my aunts and uncles going to visit and coming home with all sorts of amazing stories from traveling around Africa. It's part of what gave me the travel bug, in fact. And 29 years after they left for Cameroon, I'm a budding travel writer with a BA in anthropology who's backpacked through 4 continents.
This is not necessarily a trajectory that leads to a miserable kid and a family divided. It can also lead to a lot of pretty fantastic opportunities for your child.
posted by Sara C. at 1:44 PM on July 12, 2010
you might want to take inventory for a little case of post-partum depression. Depression, in my case, often manifests itself with a good case of unfair resentment toward others. If you are having frustrations and hurt feelings other than this, you might want to do a little emotional inventory. (A Terrible Llama)
This is a good point. A Terrible Llama is right that she might be totally off base, but it's worth asking the question.
posted by ocherdraco at 1:45 PM on July 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
This is a good point. A Terrible Llama is right that she might be totally off base, but it's worth asking the question.
posted by ocherdraco at 1:45 PM on July 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm going to speculate that you're a little overwhelmed with the work of parenthood, and that you're focusing your frustrations on your parents to avoid focusing them on the kid. If that sounds right then, well, it's great that you're not taking this out on the kid.
Your complaints about your parents, however, don't make much sense. If caretaking for your parents' property is too much right now, tell them so. Get some help / relief wherever you can find it. Deal with your problems, but stop blaming your parents for them.
I might, of course, have completely gotten this wrong. If so, ignore the above.
posted by jon1270 at 1:47 PM on July 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
Your complaints about your parents, however, don't make much sense. If caretaking for your parents' property is too much right now, tell them so. Get some help / relief wherever you can find it. Deal with your problems, but stop blaming your parents for them.
I might, of course, have completely gotten this wrong. If so, ignore the above.
posted by jon1270 at 1:47 PM on July 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
I want to add that you should not feel bad even if what you feel is selfish. Newborns are the most selfish things in the universe, and it's only human, as the caregiver for that greedy little thing, to wonder why nobody's paying a tenth (hundredth, thousandth) as much attention to your needs and emotions as you are to your baby's.
posted by hhc5 at 1:53 PM on July 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by hhc5 at 1:53 PM on July 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: But, as time has gone on, I am becoming more and more disappointed and angry that they chose Europe over the first year of their grandson's (and probably only grandchild) life.
Well, first, they chose to have you, and stuck around far longer than the first year of your life. After so many years -- and after spending so much time with you to get you started with the child you chose to have -- they certainly deserve a vacation, yes?
And here's the secret about the first year of a child's life: there's not much going on. Mine are about to turn five (twins), and the first year was all about keeping little bags of meat alive and entertained. The real fun begins at about 1.5 years, and by year 3 they're going to be exploding with promise and personality that, if you miss a single day, feels like you missed a month. If I were in their position, I'd want to take my vacation now that you're over the initial birth difficulties, but before the personality and capabilities start coming out.
Finally: my kids haven't seen one of their grandparents more than a few times in their entire lives, and I had that relationship (that is, lack of) with all of my grandparents. My point is, it's not going to hurt your child. If your concern is that they're not around to help, then I think you're being a bit selfish yourself, and if your concern is that they're hurting your child, I can assure you they're not. Let them take their vacation and come back, refreshed, to help you more -- I mean, come on, they moved 1400 miles to be closer to you, it's not like they're avoiding being a part of your child's life!
sorry if this seems like tough love, but, you know, tough love.
posted by davejay at 2:38 PM on July 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
Well, first, they chose to have you, and stuck around far longer than the first year of your life. After so many years -- and after spending so much time with you to get you started with the child you chose to have -- they certainly deserve a vacation, yes?
And here's the secret about the first year of a child's life: there's not much going on. Mine are about to turn five (twins), and the first year was all about keeping little bags of meat alive and entertained. The real fun begins at about 1.5 years, and by year 3 they're going to be exploding with promise and personality that, if you miss a single day, feels like you missed a month. If I were in their position, I'd want to take my vacation now that you're over the initial birth difficulties, but before the personality and capabilities start coming out.
Finally: my kids haven't seen one of their grandparents more than a few times in their entire lives, and I had that relationship (that is, lack of) with all of my grandparents. My point is, it's not going to hurt your child. If your concern is that they're not around to help, then I think you're being a bit selfish yourself, and if your concern is that they're hurting your child, I can assure you they're not. Let them take their vacation and come back, refreshed, to help you more -- I mean, come on, they moved 1400 miles to be closer to you, it's not like they're avoiding being a part of your child's life!
sorry if this seems like tough love, but, you know, tough love.
posted by davejay at 2:38 PM on July 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
they are very much wanting to be involved
I think that interpretation may be one source of your upset.
I might interpret it as wanting to be informed, not necessarily involved.
My parents ask after the kids every time I speak to them. They're very interested in their grandkids. They're happy to have the grandkids visit. That doesn't mean they want to be any more involved than that.
posted by chazlarson at 2:41 PM on July 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
I think that interpretation may be one source of your upset.
I might interpret it as wanting to be informed, not necessarily involved.
My parents ask after the kids every time I speak to them. They're very interested in their grandkids. They're happy to have the grandkids visit. That doesn't mean they want to be any more involved than that.
posted by chazlarson at 2:41 PM on July 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
The thing about babies is, they grow up fast, but they take a hell of a long time to do it.
There's no year in a child's development that doesn't involve marvels and milestones. If they stay near you this year, are they going to end up doing again and again until the kid is 18 and goes to College?
It's important that your parents are able to continue to have their own interests outside of your baby (which is, after all, not their baby). It sounds like they feel little tinges of regret that they aren't there, too, so you could talk to them about how they're feeling as part and parcel of how you're feeling. But those tinges are the regret you feel when you've been forced to choose between two super awesome things, and you just can't have both. By going to Europe half the year and living near you the other half, they're doing their best at having both.
posted by jacquilynne at 2:46 PM on July 12, 2010
There's no year in a child's development that doesn't involve marvels and milestones. If they stay near you this year, are they going to end up doing again and again until the kid is 18 and goes to College?
It's important that your parents are able to continue to have their own interests outside of your baby (which is, after all, not their baby). It sounds like they feel little tinges of regret that they aren't there, too, so you could talk to them about how they're feeling as part and parcel of how you're feeling. But those tinges are the regret you feel when you've been forced to choose between two super awesome things, and you just can't have both. By going to Europe half the year and living near you the other half, they're doing their best at having both.
posted by jacquilynne at 2:46 PM on July 12, 2010
Best answer: I want to extend my sympathy. My parents took a scheduled trip to the top of a mountain where they had no telephone access of any kind and were gone for the birth of one of my children, and it really hurt. Even though I hadn't expected them to be at the hospital for the birth, not even being able to call them to tell them he'd been born left me feeling really hurt and neglected.
Even though he was born nearly four weeks before his due date.
In other words: I'd just had a baby. I wasn't rational. In the grand scheme of things, it wasn't really that big a deal.
Also: it's perfectly normal for first-time parents to feel they're bestowing a gift on the world that everyone's lives should now center around. We often indulge our loved ones who are new parents in this delusion because we've shared it, and all the attention and love and admiration made us feel good and we like to make them feel good in turn.
But it's also perfectly normal for our loved ones to have less admiration and investment in our kids than we do, and to be busy going on about their lives. I am sure your parents miss you and the baby and are looking forward to seeing you all when they get back into the country. But they're also busy living their lives. I encourage you to work on forgiving them.
posted by not that girl at 2:53 PM on July 12, 2010 [5 favorites]
Even though he was born nearly four weeks before his due date.
In other words: I'd just had a baby. I wasn't rational. In the grand scheme of things, it wasn't really that big a deal.
Also: it's perfectly normal for first-time parents to feel they're bestowing a gift on the world that everyone's lives should now center around. We often indulge our loved ones who are new parents in this delusion because we've shared it, and all the attention and love and admiration made us feel good and we like to make them feel good in turn.
But it's also perfectly normal for our loved ones to have less admiration and investment in our kids than we do, and to be busy going on about their lives. I am sure your parents miss you and the baby and are looking forward to seeing you all when they get back into the country. But they're also busy living their lives. I encourage you to work on forgiving them.
posted by not that girl at 2:53 PM on July 12, 2010 [5 favorites]
hire a housekeeper that comes in once a week. skype with the grandparents. that way, you get an extra set of hands and they get to see the development of your child and they get their vacation.
posted by nadawi at 3:07 PM on July 12, 2010
posted by nadawi at 3:07 PM on July 12, 2010
it's that they express so much interest in how he's growing, etc., which tells me that they are very much wanting to be involved and yet they still chose to go (and now stay, until the end of October).
They can love your baby to death and still want to continue with their summer plans -- the two are not mutually exclusive.
My mom lives in Florida and comes to see me about twice a year. I only mention this because six months is more time than many people get to see their families. Besides, for all you know, your parents could be planning on spending summers at home once your baby is older. These might be the last few years they have to travel for extended periods of time.
posted by lucysparrow at 3:08 PM on July 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
They can love your baby to death and still want to continue with their summer plans -- the two are not mutually exclusive.
My mom lives in Florida and comes to see me about twice a year. I only mention this because six months is more time than many people get to see their families. Besides, for all you know, your parents could be planning on spending summers at home once your baby is older. These might be the last few years they have to travel for extended periods of time.
posted by lucysparrow at 3:08 PM on July 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
I want to add that the time that you're worried about your parents missing is time that you don't want to waste fretting about this. Enjoy your baby, keep in touch with your parents, and look forward to their return! You have a beautiful new baby. Focus on that.
posted by lucysparrow at 3:14 PM on July 12, 2010
posted by lucysparrow at 3:14 PM on July 12, 2010
Well, I had the reverse problem; my mom was mad at me because I couldn't afford to fly her up for my baby's birth and so she wasn't there while my mother in law (who paid her way) was. Shrug.
Here are a few things I remember from that time as a new parent:
1. Feeling alone and terrified. The first day my husband went back to work and left me alone, I thought the world would end. And though I got past that, it took at least a year, more like two, before I felt remotely competent.
2. Sheer bloody exhaustion. Even with help, this does a number on you.
3. Anger that I was being asked to do something so insanely difficult with so little guidance or assistance. Look, we don't treat parents very well in this country, and nuclear families are isolating, and almost any parent you talk to will understand feelings of resentment and loneliness. You might feel that way even if your parents were around, which is why you need to let them off the hook. This is really bigger than them, I would guess.
4. And yeah, I had PPD (in my case, closer to PTSD, long story) and only really got better when I went to therapy when my son was two and I was having suicidal thoughts. Not to scare you--you may have nothing that severe. But it's worth checking into.
Short version; your feelings are normal and understandable, but you still might need help even so, and don't be afraid to get it.
posted by emjaybee at 3:17 PM on July 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
Here are a few things I remember from that time as a new parent:
1. Feeling alone and terrified. The first day my husband went back to work and left me alone, I thought the world would end. And though I got past that, it took at least a year, more like two, before I felt remotely competent.
2. Sheer bloody exhaustion. Even with help, this does a number on you.
3. Anger that I was being asked to do something so insanely difficult with so little guidance or assistance. Look, we don't treat parents very well in this country, and nuclear families are isolating, and almost any parent you talk to will understand feelings of resentment and loneliness. You might feel that way even if your parents were around, which is why you need to let them off the hook. This is really bigger than them, I would guess.
4. And yeah, I had PPD (in my case, closer to PTSD, long story) and only really got better when I went to therapy when my son was two and I was having suicidal thoughts. Not to scare you--you may have nothing that severe. But it's worth checking into.
Short version; your feelings are normal and understandable, but you still might need help even so, and don't be afraid to get it.
posted by emjaybee at 3:17 PM on July 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
First things first...I wouldn't take your parents going to live in Europe as them saying we don't care about you or our grandchild. I can understand why you might feel bad here but at the same time I think your parents are trying to enjoy their life...the last few years of youth that they may have. And this may sound harsh...but I think the first year of a child's life...while of course it's important and you'll never forget it...the kid isn't going to remember and therefor I don't think it's that important for the grandparents to be their right now. I agree with others on here who say that your grandparents will have many years to be there for their grandchild. As for having to take care of their house, I think they should have hired someone to do that. 6 months is a long time to ask a friend or family member to take care of your home. So you should be more mad about that then about them not being their for the grandchild for 6months.
My advice here would be to make a conscious effort to get over this. Your parents moved to live closer to you. So while their away right now, soon enough they'll be back and getting very involved in your life and of course their grandchild's life. And even though taking care of their house for 6 months sucks...I would get over that to. They will be more then making up for this when they return. Let them have their time in Europe. In the long run they'll be happier that they did it, and they still get plenty of time with you and the rest of the family.
posted by ljs30 at 3:20 PM on July 12, 2010
My advice here would be to make a conscious effort to get over this. Your parents moved to live closer to you. So while their away right now, soon enough they'll be back and getting very involved in your life and of course their grandchild's life. And even though taking care of their house for 6 months sucks...I would get over that to. They will be more then making up for this when they return. Let them have their time in Europe. In the long run they'll be happier that they did it, and they still get plenty of time with you and the rest of the family.
posted by ljs30 at 3:20 PM on July 12, 2010
Best answer: Imagine it the other way--that you chose a college/job/partner/living abroad situation 1400+ miles away from your parents. How would you react if you learned they were "disappointed" and "angry" with you for choosing a life you wanted but far away from them? You are a lucky daughter/son for having parents who made such a big move to live near you for six months of the year. Be happy that they have an independent life they love for the other six months. They were there for you when you had your baby and for a period afterwards. They express an ongoing genuine interest in your new baby even while they're away. Many new parents on this board would kill for grandparents like that. I hope your parents don't read these boards.
posted by Elsie at 3:38 PM on July 12, 2010
posted by Elsie at 3:38 PM on July 12, 2010
It sounds like you weren't upset before your friends suggested you should be. Also for some perspective, my mother dropped dead when I was 24. If this is something you think you will remember and resent them for after they pass away, talk to them. If not, just let it go.
posted by kat518 at 3:40 PM on July 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by kat518 at 3:40 PM on July 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
it's that they express so much interest in how he's growing, etc., which tells me that they are very much wanting to be involved and yet they still chose to go (and now stay, until the end of October)
When I'm on vacation, I write to my friends/boyfriend/parents that I miss them a ton and wish I were with them, etc.
I DO NOT wish I were not on vacation in favor of being with them at home.
i DO miss them, I DO want to be with them, but it is most assuredly not to be inferred that I wish I hadn't gone to Europe in the first place.
Skype and the like are miracles of human endeavor and experience - really, they are. Embrace that and have fun with your sweet bebeh.
posted by tristeza at 3:52 PM on July 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
When I'm on vacation, I write to my friends/boyfriend/parents that I miss them a ton and wish I were with them, etc.
I DO NOT wish I were not on vacation in favor of being with them at home.
i DO miss them, I DO want to be with them, but it is most assuredly not to be inferred that I wish I hadn't gone to Europe in the first place.
Skype and the like are miracles of human endeavor and experience - really, they are. Embrace that and have fun with your sweet bebeh.
posted by tristeza at 3:52 PM on July 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
Hi. I just want to say that you are currently in the absolute worst part of childrearing, and you are probably tired and more emotional than usual; hang in there it WILL get better. (disclaimer: my oldest is only 4, so thats the extent of my experience. I hear teenagehood could be bad). A Terrible Llama is right to remind us to consider PPD; it happens to MANY, perhaps only mildly, but even a mild case of it could be contributing to your current perspective.
I went through similar feelings; My in-laws came for only a week, and I wept when they left because I felt so sad and alone, and I also felt resentment because they are loaded, and retired, could have stayed longer. Your feelings are natural and understandable, but I do think you may be distorting the importance of them "watching him grow and develop." At this age, the show is just not that great. You are so lucky that they moved to be near you, and will be with you most of the time.
posted by hollyanderbody at 3:58 PM on July 12, 2010
I went through similar feelings; My in-laws came for only a week, and I wept when they left because I felt so sad and alone, and I also felt resentment because they are loaded, and retired, could have stayed longer. Your feelings are natural and understandable, but I do think you may be distorting the importance of them "watching him grow and develop." At this age, the show is just not that great. You are so lucky that they moved to be near you, and will be with you most of the time.
posted by hollyanderbody at 3:58 PM on July 12, 2010
Count your blessings. You have grandparents you love and miss and who were helpful. Some people have overbearing ones that they WISHED lived in Europe. (not mine, but then I lived in a different state when I was small. Heh.)
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:07 PM on July 12, 2010
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:07 PM on July 12, 2010
Best answer: There are lots of interesting perspectives in this thread--not surprising since I think this is an emotionally complex situation that people have all kinds of different experiences with.
I wanted to offer an angle of thinking about this, for yourself, regardless of what actions you might eventually choose to help you in this situation.
I think that when you have a baby that there is a way in which that the feelings you are expressing here are not simply about wanting your parents to witness your child's babyhood, but needing them to witness your own rite-of-passage into parenthood. These rites--graduating, getting married, growing our families, losing a loved one--are ones that somehow don't feel complete in a vacuum, we need them witnessed and validated and discussed and celebrated by those that we love. There is something deeply meaningful about, in your case, showing your parent that, through their love, you are now a parent who has internalized things that they have told you for years and haven't really understood until right now, this very moment, this suspended instant where your mother watches you bathe your own child in the kitchen sink.
So, I think it is about you, but I don't think it's necessarily selfish. And in a way, they began that rite-of-passage with you by making the move, and being there when your child was born and for a few precious bits after, but for you, the rite wasn't finished or didn't have closure somehow. Maybe thinking about what would bring that closure for you would help.
When I became a mom, I didn't have available parents at all, and though I had processed that in a healthy way a long time ago, I felt this irrational sting that no one was there to say, "you, there, you have entered into something sacred that I entered before you--and I know you in this deep and particular way, because I made this rite with you." It's not a small thing, I don't think.
posted by rumposinc at 5:10 PM on July 12, 2010 [13 favorites]
I wanted to offer an angle of thinking about this, for yourself, regardless of what actions you might eventually choose to help you in this situation.
I think that when you have a baby that there is a way in which that the feelings you are expressing here are not simply about wanting your parents to witness your child's babyhood, but needing them to witness your own rite-of-passage into parenthood. These rites--graduating, getting married, growing our families, losing a loved one--are ones that somehow don't feel complete in a vacuum, we need them witnessed and validated and discussed and celebrated by those that we love. There is something deeply meaningful about, in your case, showing your parent that, through their love, you are now a parent who has internalized things that they have told you for years and haven't really understood until right now, this very moment, this suspended instant where your mother watches you bathe your own child in the kitchen sink.
So, I think it is about you, but I don't think it's necessarily selfish. And in a way, they began that rite-of-passage with you by making the move, and being there when your child was born and for a few precious bits after, but for you, the rite wasn't finished or didn't have closure somehow. Maybe thinking about what would bring that closure for you would help.
When I became a mom, I didn't have available parents at all, and though I had processed that in a healthy way a long time ago, I felt this irrational sting that no one was there to say, "you, there, you have entered into something sacred that I entered before you--and I know you in this deep and particular way, because I made this rite with you." It's not a small thing, I don't think.
posted by rumposinc at 5:10 PM on July 12, 2010 [13 favorites]
My mom spent an exhaustive amount of time around my son and my sister's son when they were first born. She was present in their lives as much as she could in their first year. She was also in the late stages of non-hodgkin's lymphoma and she died before they turned two.
I'm not sharing this to make you feel bad, just to say that sometimes it is a good idea to take a deep breath (especially when being a new mom!) and reflect on what it is that you have and that your parents have a deep abiding love for your child regardless of where they are. It sounds like they do miss you and they can't wait to see your child. That's a good thing.
posted by Wuggie Norple at 6:10 PM on July 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm not sharing this to make you feel bad, just to say that sometimes it is a good idea to take a deep breath (especially when being a new mom!) and reflect on what it is that you have and that your parents have a deep abiding love for your child regardless of where they are. It sounds like they do miss you and they can't wait to see your child. That's a good thing.
posted by Wuggie Norple at 6:10 PM on July 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
It is selfish. You may see 6 months as a significant period in your child's life. Six months is also a significant chunk of time in an older couple's life together. Let them do the things they want to do before they die. They may love your child, but it isn't their child. They get to participate the way they want to. How to get over it? Try to remember that significant events in your life do not hold the same type of significance to other people, even when they're people who love you. They've had this experience before. Also try to account for the fact that you've had massive amounts of hormones coursing through your body, and that your perspective may be completely out of whack.
posted by studioaudience at 6:31 PM on July 12, 2010
posted by studioaudience at 6:31 PM on July 12, 2010
The funny thing about feelings and expectations is that they are all relative. I posted on the green a few months back asking what I should tell my (now) 11 month old son about my estrangement from my parents when he is older and asks why they are not in our lives.
From what you described about your parents moving to be closer to you 6 months a year made me feel jealous and a bit sad. See...funny thing about feelings and expectations.
posted by murrey at 6:54 PM on July 12, 2010
From what you described about your parents moving to be closer to you 6 months a year made me feel jealous and a bit sad. See...funny thing about feelings and expectations.
posted by murrey at 6:54 PM on July 12, 2010
I'm an only child, like you.
Wild freakin' horses could not have dragged my parents away when I produced my first-born. They lived 450-odd kilometres away and still were on my doorstep at every opportunity.
I agree with you. I would feel deserted. I would assume that their apparently ordinary life overseas was more important than me and my child ( yeah, it may be an only-child syndrome, of course the world revolves around us, but I know plenty of people with siblings whose parents have fought tooth and nail to be near their new grandchild). Living overseas for 6 months is more important than 6 months of the first year of life of their new and possibly only grandchild? I find that impossible to understand.
And I would be extremely pissed off if they expected me to take over their household maintenance (mail, etc) when I had a newborn.
You don't have post-partum depression, IMO. You are genuinely and rightfully annoyed that your parents have chosen a standard episode in their ordinary life over a damned big episode in all your lives.
How to get past it? I'd talk to a counsellor (we aren't so big on therapy here in Oz) to get it out of my system. And every time I started to feel bad about the situation in any way, I'd try to remind myself that it was their choice, and it's their loss.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 7:06 PM on July 12, 2010
Wild freakin' horses could not have dragged my parents away when I produced my first-born. They lived 450-odd kilometres away and still were on my doorstep at every opportunity.
I agree with you. I would feel deserted. I would assume that their apparently ordinary life overseas was more important than me and my child ( yeah, it may be an only-child syndrome, of course the world revolves around us, but I know plenty of people with siblings whose parents have fought tooth and nail to be near their new grandchild). Living overseas for 6 months is more important than 6 months of the first year of life of their new and possibly only grandchild? I find that impossible to understand.
And I would be extremely pissed off if they expected me to take over their household maintenance (mail, etc) when I had a newborn.
You don't have post-partum depression, IMO. You are genuinely and rightfully annoyed that your parents have chosen a standard episode in their ordinary life over a damned big episode in all your lives.
How to get past it? I'd talk to a counsellor (we aren't so big on therapy here in Oz) to get it out of my system. And every time I started to feel bad about the situation in any way, I'd try to remind myself that it was their choice, and it's their loss.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 7:06 PM on July 12, 2010
"we never asked them to stay or to postpone their trip this summer" ... "they make remarks like 'we miss you' and 'we can't wait to see you' as if they have been exiled there"
Sounds like your family is from the Guess culture. How about next time you talk with them, tell them that you really miss them too and if they'd rather cut their trip short this year and come spend more time with you and the newborn, you'd certainly welcome that.
posted by Jacqueline at 7:27 PM on July 12, 2010
Sounds like your family is from the Guess culture. How about next time you talk with them, tell them that you really miss them too and if they'd rather cut their trip short this year and come spend more time with you and the newborn, you'd certainly welcome that.
posted by Jacqueline at 7:27 PM on July 12, 2010
You were flying along in your non-parent life, but now timespace has bent and warped and you are in Parenttime. Your free time and spontaneous "hey let's go to out for a beer!" type of lifestyle is more or less over. I know; a year ago my son was born and my wife and I are a tag-team, maintaining a constant watch over him.
If anything, my situation is the opposite of yours; my parents are halfway around the globe but make frequent exhortations for me and wife and baby to move back to them. As it is, it's just the two of us (my wife's family also lives far away and can visit only infrequently). Parenting is a lot of work! It's not just the obvious things like changing diapers and feeding and the like, it's the "downtimes" when the baby simply needs to be held or wants to play games and sing songs. Even in your quiet home, your free time just vanishes--POOF! I've lost count how many times I've read the same page in a book I want to read over and over because I keep getting interrupted by the baby, directly or indirectly. I've learned the importance of grandparents to the parents...to give them a break from time to time. You can hire babysitters, but it's not really the same thing.
I get what you mean about them missing out on 6 months, but they were around when you were that old, so they must have some perspective on what they're missing. In other words, it's not that they won't miss the kid, but they know that the real interaction with their beloved grandchild will happen later, when he's walking (it seems they'll be back before that) and especially when he's talking (which will be two years away). I remember that it took months just for the kid to acknowledge my presence, much less communicate in any way. I never bore of my kid, but I can understand that some people do, even if they're family.
I'm gonna guess your frustration with them is really frustration at the lack of help you can expect for the next six months and the resultant decrease in free time and days off. I'd be fairly upset with that as well, but ultimately, it's your child, and you owe that kid everything, including all your free time. You don't owe your parents anything, but in adulthood they don't owe you anything, either, so don't look at their leaving as a failing on their part.
As for taking care of their things while you're away--I think it's fair for you to ask them to get someone else to do it, if it's really time consuming and inconvenient. Babies have a way of obliterating any plans you have, and you have to put him first. They should be understanding about that. But is picking up their mail really that hard? And what does "taking care of their house and car" really mean? Seems like they just take care of themselves. Relax, it's only 6 months, not 2 years.
posted by zardoz at 8:15 PM on July 12, 2010
If anything, my situation is the opposite of yours; my parents are halfway around the globe but make frequent exhortations for me and wife and baby to move back to them. As it is, it's just the two of us (my wife's family also lives far away and can visit only infrequently). Parenting is a lot of work! It's not just the obvious things like changing diapers and feeding and the like, it's the "downtimes" when the baby simply needs to be held or wants to play games and sing songs. Even in your quiet home, your free time just vanishes--POOF! I've lost count how many times I've read the same page in a book I want to read over and over because I keep getting interrupted by the baby, directly or indirectly. I've learned the importance of grandparents to the parents...to give them a break from time to time. You can hire babysitters, but it's not really the same thing.
I get what you mean about them missing out on 6 months, but they were around when you were that old, so they must have some perspective on what they're missing. In other words, it's not that they won't miss the kid, but they know that the real interaction with their beloved grandchild will happen later, when he's walking (it seems they'll be back before that) and especially when he's talking (which will be two years away). I remember that it took months just for the kid to acknowledge my presence, much less communicate in any way. I never bore of my kid, but I can understand that some people do, even if they're family.
I'm gonna guess your frustration with them is really frustration at the lack of help you can expect for the next six months and the resultant decrease in free time and days off. I'd be fairly upset with that as well, but ultimately, it's your child, and you owe that kid everything, including all your free time. You don't owe your parents anything, but in adulthood they don't owe you anything, either, so don't look at their leaving as a failing on their part.
As for taking care of their things while you're away--I think it's fair for you to ask them to get someone else to do it, if it's really time consuming and inconvenient. Babies have a way of obliterating any plans you have, and you have to put him first. They should be understanding about that. But is picking up their mail really that hard? And what does "taking care of their house and car" really mean? Seems like they just take care of themselves. Relax, it's only 6 months, not 2 years.
posted by zardoz at 8:15 PM on July 12, 2010
« Older Which Navy ratings would look best on a resume for... | On Windows, how can I keep a typing history? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by banannafish at 1:17 PM on July 12, 2010 [69 favorites]