Weathering the relationship doldrums
July 6, 2010 8:47 AM Subscribe
How do I fall back in love with my girlfriend?
There's been no major drama, I think she's a good, lovable, honest person, and we've been to counseling, but the fights we've had have left me with scars. I think things could be good. Hell, things are pretty good and the counseling has definitely helped, but there are just things that she does that remind me of the feelings I have when we've fought. Part of me thinks that given time, the love and good feelings will naturally build up again, and that I'm naturally given to pessimism, so I should just wait and see, but the pessimistic side of me is... well... pessimistic.
Anyway, given that no two people are the same, everyone has to figure own their own head in their own way, and that I don't actually want to break up, please give me stories about how and if you got past the doldrums, and managed to turn something you felt ambivalent about into something really good.
There's been no major drama, I think she's a good, lovable, honest person, and we've been to counseling, but the fights we've had have left me with scars. I think things could be good. Hell, things are pretty good and the counseling has definitely helped, but there are just things that she does that remind me of the feelings I have when we've fought. Part of me thinks that given time, the love and good feelings will naturally build up again, and that I'm naturally given to pessimism, so I should just wait and see, but the pessimistic side of me is... well... pessimistic.
Anyway, given that no two people are the same, everyone has to figure own their own head in their own way, and that I don't actually want to break up, please give me stories about how and if you got past the doldrums, and managed to turn something you felt ambivalent about into something really good.
Anyway, given that no two people are the same, everyone has to figure own their own head in their own way, and that I don't actually want to break up, please give me stories about how and if you got past the doldrums, and managed to turn something you felt ambivalent about into something really good.
Continue going to therapy; I'm not sure how long you've been in it, but the effects are going to be long term.
Also, do you have lines of communication open when she does the things that make you feel bad, so she can know she's doing it? That's a big help. Also, consider personal therapy as well, as the issues with not being able to let go of prior fights might not be a couples issue, but rather a personal one.
Good luck!
posted by Hiker at 8:53 AM on July 6, 2010
Continue going to therapy; I'm not sure how long you've been in it, but the effects are going to be long term.
Also, do you have lines of communication open when she does the things that make you feel bad, so she can know she's doing it? That's a big help. Also, consider personal therapy as well, as the issues with not being able to let go of prior fights might not be a couples issue, but rather a personal one.
Good luck!
posted by Hiker at 8:53 AM on July 6, 2010
Can you go away on a romantic vacation? It can do wonders!
posted by Dragonness at 8:56 AM on July 6, 2010
posted by Dragonness at 8:56 AM on July 6, 2010
Romantic vacations are all well and good, but instead I suggest doing something new together that can expand your relationship. Take a class to learn a new hobby you can do together (home brewing? photography? sailing?) , or travel to somewhere than requires you to be a team and improvise together, e.g., traipsing around a country with no particular itinerary. You'll rekindle your appreciation in each other's skills, sense of humor, etc. and find new ways to be together.
posted by carmicha at 9:09 AM on July 6, 2010
posted by carmicha at 9:09 AM on July 6, 2010
I don't think there are ways you can force yourself to feel something you're not feeling, nor is that a reasonable or healthy goal. But the truth of any long-term relationship is that there will be ups and downs. Honestly, what strikes me most about your question is that you say there's been no major drama, and yet you've been to counseling and are scarred by previous fights. How long have you been together, and what have these fights been about?
If you've genuinely worked through your past issues and you think the two of you are compatible and could have a future, then I'd say don't focus so much on trying to feel a certain way. Feel however you feel, and be open and honest about it, both with her and with yourself.
posted by tetralix at 9:17 AM on July 6, 2010
If you've genuinely worked through your past issues and you think the two of you are compatible and could have a future, then I'd say don't focus so much on trying to feel a certain way. Feel however you feel, and be open and honest about it, both with her and with yourself.
posted by tetralix at 9:17 AM on July 6, 2010
Going in a completely opposite direction... I suggest spending time apart, like a week or so, with little communication between the two of you (my SO and I term this "communication blackout"). Maybe you take a car trip to go camping, maybe she goes home to visit family. Either way, spending time apart let's you get some perspective, and if you love her like you say you do, that perspective often leads to the reasons why you love her. Once you get there, focus on that, you will be so excited to see her again, which makes it much easier to fall (back) into love.
posted by Term of Art at 9:21 AM on July 6, 2010 [6 favorites]
posted by Term of Art at 9:21 AM on July 6, 2010 [6 favorites]
And going further in the following direction, once Humpty Dumpty’s broken, no amount of King’s romantic holidays or tandem basket weaving lessons is going to put him together again.
Listen, I know you’ve said that you don’t want to break up but don’t write it off out of hand. You sound caring, thoughtful and considerate – I don’t doubt that you’ll find someone else just as wonderful given time.
And what’s more you’ll take what you’ve learned from this relationship – when to take a stand and fight and when to let things go – and build something positive from untainted foundations.
Your pessimistic nature is unfortunately right in this respect. There are no second chances. You’ve fallen out of love with this person. Set them free to find someone who’ll love them; let yourself do the same.
Sorry – I know that this isn’t what you want to hear but oftentimes the hardest thing is letting go.
posted by dmt at 10:00 AM on July 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Listen, I know you’ve said that you don’t want to break up but don’t write it off out of hand. You sound caring, thoughtful and considerate – I don’t doubt that you’ll find someone else just as wonderful given time.
And what’s more you’ll take what you’ve learned from this relationship – when to take a stand and fight and when to let things go – and build something positive from untainted foundations.
Your pessimistic nature is unfortunately right in this respect. There are no second chances. You’ve fallen out of love with this person. Set them free to find someone who’ll love them; let yourself do the same.
Sorry – I know that this isn’t what you want to hear but oftentimes the hardest thing is letting go.
posted by dmt at 10:00 AM on July 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Patience, and listen to your optimistic side. Sorry, it's not great, but even in the happiest of relationships there are periods where the excitement's gone out of it. Try not to fuck it up, just be there and stay with it, and it'll come back. Six months time you'll not even remember you wrote this.
Not saying it'll fend off the end for everyone, but your tale does remind me of one or two periods from my past.
posted by imperium at 10:42 AM on July 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Not saying it'll fend off the end for everyone, but your tale does remind me of one or two periods from my past.
posted by imperium at 10:42 AM on July 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Check out this passage from The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. It reminds me of a great quote from Les dames du Bois de Boulogne: "There is no such thing as love--only proofs of love."
Try not to think of it as falling out of love. Think of it as being comfortable enough with your lives together to take each other "for granted"... which is actually pretty special and exciting in itself.
posted by ista at 11:10 AM on July 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Try not to think of it as falling out of love. Think of it as being comfortable enough with your lives together to take each other "for granted"... which is actually pretty special and exciting in itself.
posted by ista at 11:10 AM on July 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm wondering if your fights have revealed to you some side of her that you can't really deal with (say -- she's imperious, or extremely stubborn, or whatever). Bad fights can ruin your trust in someone, or in the idea that you'll be able to work out conflicts in an equitable and gentle way when they arise. I think this is one of those "there's no way out but through" situations where the next step is for you to talk to her about what you're feeling.
posted by salvia at 12:06 PM on July 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by salvia at 12:06 PM on July 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
Just a quick two cents about what not to do, as you go through this process: do not take on long-term commitments while working through this. Hopefully it will seem obvious to you, but it isn't to everyone -- don't get engaged, don't get married, don't have kids, don't buy a house together, don't move to a new state or country where you don't really know anyone else, because you think it will somehow "save" your relationship.
Take advantage of the stable situation you have now; spend some time away from her, spend some time traveling together away from the daily grind, and see how you both feel. Sometimes just getting out from under, or getting away for a bit, can give you fresh perspective.
Having said that, don't discount dmt's advice, either. Be open to all possible outcomes, and from there choose the path that works best for both of you -- and make sure you're being honest to her about your feelings.
posted by davejay at 12:25 PM on July 6, 2010
Take advantage of the stable situation you have now; spend some time away from her, spend some time traveling together away from the daily grind, and see how you both feel. Sometimes just getting out from under, or getting away for a bit, can give you fresh perspective.
Having said that, don't discount dmt's advice, either. Be open to all possible outcomes, and from there choose the path that works best for both of you -- and make sure you're being honest to her about your feelings.
posted by davejay at 12:25 PM on July 6, 2010
remind yourself that people are human and you should learn to let it go. the fight you had? you learned from it (hopefully), so let it go.
posted by anniecat at 12:29 PM on July 6, 2010
posted by anniecat at 12:29 PM on July 6, 2010
Give it time. You can fall in and out of love with the same person many times over the course of a long-term relationship. Just keep treating each other with affection and kindness, try to have some fun together, and one day in the near future you may be surprised to realize you've fallen back in love with each other.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 12:48 PM on July 6, 2010
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 12:48 PM on July 6, 2010
You can't fall "back in love." Meaning you cannot recreate the Norepinephrine and Phenylethylamine highs of that first romantic infatuation. Those days are supposed to go away. They're like nature's starter plan. They're supposed to give you time to build something deeper and better. Something not fueled by mere emotion.
Unfortunately much of society is so addicted to the love drugs of new romance they bail on their chance to achieve something richer. They've "lost that lovin' feeling" and mistakenly think that's what love is supposed to "feel like."
But true love builds after sticking through lots of stuff together in spite of how you feel. You are right where you need to be. Just stop expecting it to be something different.
There are many resources for helping mature relationships "stoke the flames," so to speak. I'd try Hot Monogamy by Pat Love for starters. But there are a lot of other good resources out there to help you not just stick it out, but thrive.
posted by cross_impact at 2:32 PM on July 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
Unfortunately much of society is so addicted to the love drugs of new romance they bail on their chance to achieve something richer. They've "lost that lovin' feeling" and mistakenly think that's what love is supposed to "feel like."
But true love builds after sticking through lots of stuff together in spite of how you feel. You are right where you need to be. Just stop expecting it to be something different.
There are many resources for helping mature relationships "stoke the flames," so to speak. I'd try Hot Monogamy by Pat Love for starters. But there are a lot of other good resources out there to help you not just stick it out, but thrive.
posted by cross_impact at 2:32 PM on July 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
Sometimes when I feel alienated from someoneI love, it helps when the two of us spend time in the presence of people who love the person I am struggling to love. Seeing someone that I think I know really well interact with their close friends and family reminds me that every relationship brings out a slightly different aspect of each person. This in turn reminds me that they're not just the person who exists inside the context of our relationship and our arguments; instead, there are lots of interesting and wonderful facets of their personality that I know very little about. They become new to me again, and the feeling of being in love is easier to recapture.
posted by millions of peaches at 3:44 PM on July 6, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by millions of peaches at 3:44 PM on July 6, 2010 [3 favorites]
It's natural for love and good feelings to ebb and flow in a relationship. And those things will return in your relationship, but only if you want them to and allow them to. If you're a pessimist, is there a chance you're dwelling too much on the struggles you've had and not feeding the positive parts of your relationship enough? It's easy to get in the way of your own happiness and not even realize you're doing it. But only you can know if your concerns are legitimate or just a product of a pessimistic nature. If it's the latter, you'll need to make a conscious effort to change how you view the relationship. Old patterns die hard. I find it difficult sometimes not to jump to the worst conclusions about my (very good) relationship. My boyfriend tells me I need to have more faith in us, in our strength and resilience, and he's right. A good relationship isn't fragile. But you have to trust in that, not go trying to stress-test it because you fear it'll break on its own someday anyway.
posted by spinto at 7:56 AM on July 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by spinto at 7:56 AM on July 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:52 AM on July 6, 2010 [1 favorite]