Do I choose the possible future baby or the awesome present relationship?

May 25, 2010 2:29 PM

Do I give up love now in favor of a future I may not even want?

I'm in my early 30s. He's in his early 40s. I've never had children. He has an 8 year old.

He's not totally sure, but leans toward not wanting to have a baby.

I'm not totally sure, but lean toward wanting one.

My mind says, "Hey dumbass, you don't have a lot of time to be hanging out waiting to see whether or not one of you will change your mind."

But my heart is all, "Wahh, I love him. He's the best snuggler and he makes me laugh and he's amazing in bed."

Which would be fine, but then my heart is like, "But babies are kind of cute" and my brain counters with, "Yeah and they're also a miserable amount of work and do you really want that kind of responsibility?" And I start thinking, "Maybe I don't really want a baby." Right, of course, as he says, "Well, maybe I could have a baby again."

I think we both want to be together and really enjoy the other person, but are both afraid of a future in which we may or may not regret the decision.

We half-heartedly decided to "take a break" -- which in our case means that we're still talking on the phone and hanging out, but with the addition of a long, sad sigh every once in a while and pitiful half-jokes about how we're just friends now.

The thought of walking away from him breaks my heart. But at the same time, I feel like I don't really have the luxury to "wait and see what happens."

So, yeah. I'm torn.

Advice, anecdotal experience, statistically significant studies -- anything is welcome.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (15 answers total)

What's your 100%? Think about what your life would be like if 100% of your aspirations were met. Not "well, I could do that" or "it might be better if." Think about it. Does that 100% involve a baby?

Ask your partner the same thing. Does his 100% involve a baby?

Take those answers, not the kinda-sorta ones, and start talking from there.
posted by ocherdraco at 2:37 PM on May 25, 2010 [3 favorites]

I guess you should do an extensive analysis of why you want a baby and how you see your life being if you want one, and if you think it's something you want with someone who is lukewarm on the idea especially since he has an 8 year old already.

I feel like I don't really have the luxury to "wait and see what happens."

You won't regret not having kids if you accept the reason why you don't have them and keep enjoying your life. Like the idea of having a kid, you have to spend some time visualizing the life without kids, pros and cons in a way where you're not flip flopping. You have to think of it fully and make a decision of how happy you would be either way.
posted by anniecat at 2:52 PM on May 25, 2010

Not making a decision is a decision.

You say he's awesome? You've leaned towards having a baby? Then go make a baby. It'll be hard at times, but a blast overall.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:53 PM on May 25, 2010

http://ask.metafilter.com/10368/Do-You-Regret-Not-Having-Children
posted by speedgraphic at 2:58 PM on May 25, 2010

This is a tough one hun but I think you are bean-plating something that was very essential to you but for some reason this person is making you feel as if you should give up on it.

Having or not having babies in my opinion is one of the few things in which you cannot compromise, some people have this deep desire of having biological kids (for example I dont imagine myself adopting or even raising other people kids but I would love to have mine).....

This seems to be a big deal for you so I wouldnt give up on it, love is hard but you should be able to find someone who both loves, is cool and also wants kids......however I know from experience that is easier said than done...and i know that for many people love supersedes having children.......

are you one of those persons? It is my opinion that if you are going to make him a father again he shouldnt be lukewarm about it.....the fact that you've taken a break indicates to me that not only he is indecisive but he rather not have kids at all...does it help for you to know that it seems that in reality he is not a "maybe" but more like a "90% no" towards having kids?
posted by The1andonly at 3:00 PM on May 25, 2010

You two took a "break" from your relationship because he was pretty sure he doesn't want to have a baby and you "lean toward" wanting one? That seems odd. Is there something else going on we don't know about?

Apart from that.

1. Do you love him? If so, how many times in your life have you found someone you thought you might marry? Twice? If so, statistically, you're due to meet the next one in another ten years or so, I suppose.

2. He has a child. Guess what? Marry him and you'll have one too then!

Tossing out the bathwater because it doesn't have enough scent of baby in it seems wasteful to me—particularly when you sound remarkably ambivalent about making one.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 3:34 PM on May 25, 2010 [2 favorites]

In your position, I made the decision to break up with the man who didn't want more children. I have not regretted that choice. Even if I don't end up having children, it will be a decision of my own making, not someone else making it for me.
posted by crankylex at 3:36 PM on May 25, 2010 [2 favorites]

If you don't know what you want, neither what you have nor what you might get will make you happy. If you don't make a choice, time will make it for you.

I think we both want to be together and really enjoy the other person, but are both afraid of a future in which we may or may not regret the decision.
IMO your anxiety is not about a hypothetical baby but about committing to each other. Taking a half-hearted break and talking about being "just friends" over a future issue neither of you is sure about? Take the baby out of the picture and examine the rest.

(And yes, babies are cute, but from all accounts, they grow up mighty fast.)
posted by mondaygreens at 4:08 PM on May 25, 2010 [1 favorite]

Right, of course, as he says, "Well, maybe I could have a baby again."

Dude, what's the problem? Sounds like he's totally willing to have a baby with you.

This post is much more about your waffling than his. It's a big scary step, but it sounds like it's something you want. So go for it!
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 4:34 PM on May 25, 2010 [1 favorite]

Regarding the child thing: I love my wife, and fortunately we both wanted to have children. But if she had not, I would still find my life valuable, because I have the opportunity to invest in our relationship, and in her, to the best of my ability. Might I feel that something is missing? Possibly. But every conceivable life path necessarily excludes something else that could have been awesome. The secret of contentment is to find the awesome in what you currently have and value them over the potential of lost opportunities.
posted by SpacemanStix at 4:42 PM on May 25, 2010 [14 favorites]

I'm close to your age, and I see it this way: You only have a small window of time to bear children, but you have the rest of your life to find partnership. For me, that means I would not give up the possibility of children in the name of love.
posted by exquisite_deluxe at 9:07 PM on May 25, 2010

Think about what it is that's important to you about having kids, and how much that depends on having a baby that's biologically yours. Because it sounds like, aside from the time pressure of "I won't be fertile forever!" this is very much a scenario where it might make sense to bide your time and enjoy your great relationship and see what happens with both of your feelings about this. And then if it turns out that years pass and you become sure that you want a kid and he becomes sure that he doesn't, you can split up and still try to become pregnant at that point (you may be less likely to successfully get pregnant, but hey, it's not guaranteed you could do so at your current age, right?) and barring that, presumably you could still adopt a kid and be a parent anyway.

I'd encourage you to really reflect on how you feel about the idea of having an adopted child rather than a biological child, particularly in the context of recognizing that there is some chance that you are already unable to be a biological parent (unless you have evidence to the contrary.) I spent some time thinking about these issues and found it helpful in decreasing the sense of urgency I was feeling to plan my life towards being married and having kids by a certain age.
posted by EmilyClimbs at 9:33 PM on May 25, 2010

I asked a very similar question recently.

The difference is that I know I want kids, but some of the responses I got were from people who were ambivalent about kids, so maybe you'll find them helpful.
posted by spinto at 7:02 AM on May 26, 2010

I agree that you need to decide exactly what is most important to *you* first before you decide on a commitment to him (or anyone else). Here's my anecdotal advice: I have 2 different female friends who always dreamt of having their own biological children. Each of them, when in their early 30s, began seriously dating someone. One man told his gf that he absolutely did not want children. The other man told his gf that he wasn't sure, but leaned toward no (similar to your situation).

Despite this, both of these women continued to date their SOs for years assuming that the men in question would eventually change their minds. We are all in our late 30s now, and these men haven't changed their minds.

One of the women finally realized her SO would never change his mind. She broke up with him, and unfortunately married the first man who would agree to get married right away and have babies. She has her babies and is in a miserable marriage.

The second woman continues to wait, and tries to make her SO feel guilty about wasting all her fertile years without marrying her and having children.

Both women are very unhappy.

I'm obviously not saying you would do either of these things. My point is that you should decide what you want and make your own decision accordingly. Don't take his ambivalance to having more children as a "maybe." If a man that you respect and love says something to you like this, take him at his word. Decide then if *you* can have a happy and fulfilled life without children. If you think you cannot, then let this man go.

There are always "what ifs" in life, and unexpected outcomes. You could decide to stay with him and things may not work out in the end. You could leave him in your pursuit of children, and then not be able to conceive. We cannot always see every possible outcome to every scenario. There has to come a time when you trust yourself enough to make a decision that your believe is the best choice for you.
posted by 3fluffies at 9:50 AM on May 26, 2010

It sounds like neither of you are adamantly on one side or the other. He could be fine with not having more, but could stand it if he had to. You sound like you're on the "I should have kids because everyone else tells me I'll want them and I'm kinda fine with them in general" fence. Nobody in this situation sounds like they feel strongly.

So... unless you suddenly change your mind and it's a priority, or it suddenly becomes a priority for him to not have them, why not stay together? It sounds like you both are generally okay with whatever action results and it's not actually to the point of being the major dealbreaker for anybody. Having a kid because you "should" is not the world's best idea, and you should have one because you feel strongly about it. If you don't feel strongly about having one and he doesn't either, you'll probably be fine in the end if you don't, unless something changes. And if it does for you, I think he'd probably be fine with having more. He doesn't sound adamant about not having more here.

Also, how do you feel about parenting the 8-year-old?
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:47 PM on May 26, 2010