"Nick Clegg"

May 24, 2010 11:48 AM

I DESPERATELY need jokes about politicians for a speech tomorrow. Can anyone help me with some (relatively clean) and hopefully snappy material?

If you want to make jokes about particular parties then aim for UK ones, please. Any ideas gratefully received! Thanks

posted by marmaduke_yaverland to Writing & Language (16 answers total)

Q: What's the difference between a politician and a snail?
A: One is a small, slimy creature that leaves a sticky trail of filth wherever it goes. The other is a snail.
posted by jbickers at 12:13 PM on May 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

Look up lawyer jokes and them substitute "politician" or "liberal" or whatever for lawyer.
posted by nestor_makhno at 12:16 PM on May 24, 2010

them = then
posted by nestor_makhno at 12:16 PM on May 24, 2010

Why don't snakes bite politicians?
Professional courtesy.
posted by alynnk at 12:30 PM on May 24, 2010

Warning: nestor's advice does not work with bassist jokes.
posted by davejay at 12:36 PM on May 24, 2010

What's the difference between a dead chicken in the middle of the road and a dead politician in the middle of the road?

The skid marks in front of the chicken.
posted by emelenjr at 12:41 PM on May 24, 2010

This is apocryphal, and I can't even chase down the name of the Texas politician to whom the quote was supposedly original. But apparently, a Texas senator, when begged by his campaign manager to be less controversial and more middle of the road, said "Son, there ain't nothin' in the middle of the road but a broad yella stripe and dead armadilloes."
posted by KathrynT at 12:50 PM on May 24, 2010

Q; If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
A: Congress.
posted by effluvia at 12:52 PM on May 24, 2010

The problem with politics is that no matter who wins, it's always a politician.
posted by twirlypen at 12:54 PM on May 24, 2010

I pulled some of my favorites off of this site. There's a ton of these on the internet.

The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.

The trouble with political jokes is they keep getting elected!

Don't vote. You'll only encourage them.

- Four years ago, my brother ran for state senator.
- What does he do now?
- Nothing. He got elected.

- Why don't we ever hear of a thief stealing from a politician's house?
- Professional courtesy.


Lord Mandelson visits a school:

Did anyone tell you about the day when Lord Peter Mandelson was visiting a primary school in England, and was taken into the room of a class discussing words and their meanings. The teacher asked Lord Mandelson whether he would care to lead a discussion on the word "Tragedy", so he asked the class to give him an example.

A little boy stood up, and said, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, was playing in the field, and a tractor ran over him, and killed him, that would be a tragedy".

"No," said Lord Mandelson, 'that wouldn't be a tragedy: that would be an accident".
A little girl raised her hand: "If the school bus had fifty boys and girls in it, and it drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy".

"I'm afraid not," explained Lord Mandelson; "That is what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No child volunteered.

Lord Mandelson's eyes searched the room. "Can no one here give me an example of a tragedy?"

At the back of the room, a little hand went up, and a quiet voice said, "If a plane carrying you and Mr Brown was struck by friendly fire and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy".

"Magnificent!" exclaimed Lord Mandelson, "That's right! And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"
"Well," said the quiet voice, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident."

Late one night in the capitol city a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money!" he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a U.S. Congressman!" "In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"</blockquote

posted by Salvor Hardin at 1:02 PM on May 24, 2010 [4 favorites]

I listen to the Friday Night Comedy podcast from Radio 4. The most recent episode had a few Clegg/Cameron/Milliband one-liners you could adapt, riff from, or just flat-out steal.
posted by brainwane at 1:05 PM on May 24, 2010

Just made this one up:

The word "Parliament" comes from "parley," meaning "to formally conduct elaborate negotiations," and "a mint," which is how much they make off it.
posted by brainwane at 1:10 PM on May 24, 2010

What does Nick Clegg stand for?

When David Cameron walks in the room.
posted by General Malaise at 1:18 PM on May 24, 2010

"In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress." - John Adams
posted by evilmomlady at 3:12 PM on May 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

Might not meet your definition of clean, but:

"Politicians are like diapers and must be changed frequently. And for the same reason."
posted by puddpunk at 10:34 PM on May 24, 2010

Bit late but I only just remembered my favourite political joke:

When England was a kingdom, we had a king. When we were an empire, we had an emperor. Now we're a country… and we have Margaret Thatcher.
posted by turkeyphant at 8:51 AM on May 26, 2010