Rape or cheating?
May 3, 2010 6:14 AM Subscribe
My girlfriend confided in my yesterday that she cheated on me with an exboyfriend almost exactly a year ago and kept it secret from me. This explains a lot of her overemotional behaviour and the tumult in our relationship over the past while, I think. But when she elaborated on the circumstances what happened sounded more like rape than anything.
posted by anonymous to human relations (38 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
A year ago the two of us had been living together in a foreign country. I moved home to take a good job. She lived alone in that foreign country for two months before moving back home (still several hours' trip from where I was living and working then.) When she got home, she learned that her mother had been diagnosed with a terminal illness while she was gone. She went out for a night with some friends and got shitface wasted. She has an inclination to drink too much and act irresponsibly and generally not herself when she gets drunk. She often can't stop when she's had too much.She followed a friend to another house because her friend wanted to see a boy who lived there. Apparently this was also the home of my girlfriend's ex-boyfriend, something she either wasn't privy to, or forgot because she was drunk. Once there, she and her female friend spent the night talking and drinking with this guy, unloading her loneliness and emotion regarding her mom's condition. Her female friend passed out. My girlfriend at some point went to bed on a couch, and remembers this guy coming over to her. He had sex with her. She says she hated it, hated that it was happening but didn't say no or physically resist it.
I'm angry she took so long to tell me, and I'm angry she let herself be put in that position in the first place. As I said, she has a problem with drinking. She doesn't get drunk too often but she cannot handle her liquor, and she knows that when she starts to get drunk, she's out of control. She could have avoided the situation and shouldn't have wound up in the home of her ex-boyfriend to begin with. But this sounds like rape, and more than anything I'm angry with this predaceous stranger. She feels very guilty about it, but I think she doesn't understand that she'd been raped, or she's been repressing it. Friends she spoke to recommended hiding the story from me and just getting over it. I think those friends were at the least very unhelpful.
I love her, and I think I can forgive her fully. I'm not exactly sure what I mean to ask here. How do I help her? How do I overcome my anger to help her overcome the realization that she's been victimized? This is rape, isn't it? We're in Ontario. Should she press charges? Could she? Would it be worth it? Am I an asshole for thinking I'm going to have a hard time trusting her to go out on her own in the future? Ugh.
I hope I've worded this coherently. I'm out of sorts on this. Thanks for your responses. If you have any questions about the situation I could answer them through one of the admins.