How to reignite the spark?
May 3, 2010 6:14 AM Subscribe
I love my husband but I am having trouble loving my husband. (probably NSFW)
My husband and I are both in our early thirties. We have been together for almost ten years and have been married for a third of that time, and I love him very much. I have no desire to leave him and in most ways I could not be happier with him as a person and as a partner.
But I have started to dread sex. I have never been heart-stoppingly attracted to him, although he is very handsome and an attentive, kind partner. We have never had a lot of sex (once a week is average) but that sex has always been fun and pleasurable, and I have had no complaints.
But I have been having a harder and harder time getting aroused enough to be able to have sex with him. And when we do have sex, I find myself feeling uncomfortable and irritated. His body feels too hot and sweaty. The ways he touches me that used to be fine (some of them have never been interesting to me but I didn't mind if he liked doing it) now make me feel grossed out and annoyed. I end up telling him to stop with the tender kisses and loving sighs and just get on with it already. He has gained a little bit of weight, but it's hard to tell if that's part of the problem or not as he has never been thin and that never used to bother me.
I want to have sex with him and I want him to be happy. If enough time goes by I will make sure we have sex even if I cannot get fully aroused. But this often leaves me feeling sore and discouraged.
I need to find a way to get out of this cycle before it gets any worse. I have no interest in leaving him and neither of us want to have sex outside our marriage. But I am hoping some of you will have advice about strategies for dealing with this.
My husband and I are both in our early thirties. We have been together for almost ten years and have been married for a third of that time, and I love him very much. I have no desire to leave him and in most ways I could not be happier with him as a person and as a partner.
But I have started to dread sex. I have never been heart-stoppingly attracted to him, although he is very handsome and an attentive, kind partner. We have never had a lot of sex (once a week is average) but that sex has always been fun and pleasurable, and I have had no complaints.
But I have been having a harder and harder time getting aroused enough to be able to have sex with him. And when we do have sex, I find myself feeling uncomfortable and irritated. His body feels too hot and sweaty. The ways he touches me that used to be fine (some of them have never been interesting to me but I didn't mind if he liked doing it) now make me feel grossed out and annoyed. I end up telling him to stop with the tender kisses and loving sighs and just get on with it already. He has gained a little bit of weight, but it's hard to tell if that's part of the problem or not as he has never been thin and that never used to bother me.
I want to have sex with him and I want him to be happy. If enough time goes by I will make sure we have sex even if I cannot get fully aroused. But this often leaves me feeling sore and discouraged.
I need to find a way to get out of this cycle before it gets any worse. I have no interest in leaving him and neither of us want to have sex outside our marriage. But I am hoping some of you will have advice about strategies for dealing with this.
If you're not turned on by anyone else either, it's time for a physical, with bloodwork.
posted by availablelight at 6:30 AM on May 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by availablelight at 6:30 AM on May 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
Check your hormone levels and discuss alternate forms of birth control with your doc if you are currently on hormonal birth control (pill, shot, implant...)
posted by WeekendJen at 7:17 AM on May 3, 2010
posted by WeekendJen at 7:17 AM on May 3, 2010
I had similar issues (and we're about the same age, have the same length relationship, etc.). MeMail me--I don't have a "solution" per se, but I've been there, done that, and have some suggestions.
posted by devinemissk at 7:25 AM on May 3, 2010
posted by devinemissk at 7:25 AM on May 3, 2010
While physical issues pop up occasionally in women your age, it's vastly more common that what's needed is better communication. It sounds from the description like you aren't communicating clearly what you did and did not find arousing and that he isn't picking up on it. Many people really are not emotionally ready to do that without a third party to facilitate, which is why some above are suggesting counseling. Non-sexual behavior that keeps one feeling appreciated and sexy is also crucial, and that's something else that talking through your relationship with someone else can help with.
posted by a robot made out of meat at 7:43 AM on May 3, 2010
posted by a robot made out of meat at 7:43 AM on May 3, 2010
Well you should definitely talk to your husband about it.
posted by RajahKing at 8:09 AM on May 3, 2010
posted by RajahKing at 8:09 AM on May 3, 2010
If the origin is psychological and not physical, a good marriage and family therapist will be helpful in helping you understand the roots of what you're feeling.
I wish you the best in tracking down the source of this feeling.
posted by artlung at 8:18 AM on May 3, 2010
I wish you the best in tracking down the source of this feeling.
posted by artlung at 8:18 AM on May 3, 2010
Mod note: From the OP:
I have reason to be fairly sure that this isn't physical - I have no problems with masturbating and or getting aroused in other contexts. I just can't seem to get that timing to coincide with being in bed with my husband. I have had some luck in the past with getting myself "primed" and then going to find him when I'm ready, but this leaves me feeling a little weird and unsatisfied, like I'm just using him to "finish the job" that I started on my own. And sometimes the things he does will actually diminish the level of arousal I've managed to achieve, which makes me even more anxious about the situation.posted by jessamyn (staff) at 8:40 AM on May 3, 2010
I have a history of anxiety. Those who are suggesting counseling may be on to something. But I am reluctant to sit my husband down and tell him I'm not turned on my him anymore and want to talk to a therapist. I want to at least try to take care of this without alarming him if I can.
Also, our insurance won't cover therapy, and we are not all that secure financially.
Many therapists will offer a sliding scale for people without insurance. Find a Psychologist in your area and explain your financial situation. If this person can't help you they should be able to refer you to someone who can.
posted by mattholomew at 8:44 AM on May 3, 2010
posted by mattholomew at 8:44 AM on May 3, 2010
The uncomfortable physical sensations that you describe strike me as "stifling." I often feel the same way about hot, sweaty, stinky human bodies. To me, sex would be entirely pleasurable if it were minty-fresh like Colgate. Or crisp and refreshing like a cold soda on a hot day. Or clean and refreshing... like... a shower!
I suggest that you try moving your sexytime to the shower.
posted by greekphilosophy at 8:55 AM on May 3, 2010
I suggest that you try moving your sexytime to the shower.
posted by greekphilosophy at 8:55 AM on May 3, 2010
Do you often take initiative when it comes to sex? If not, now is a good time to change that dynamic.
You've been together a long time and I think this is a phase that you can work through. It sounds to me like you are afraid to hurt his feelings, and I can understand that.
But I doubt your husband would have any problem with you saying, "Hey, I really want to try something different in the bedroom," and then asking him to let you explore and experiment while he is more passive. Think blindfolds, or light bondage on his side, and you taking control on your side to control the pacing and the action until you feel relaxed, then comfortable and finally aroused.
Show him what you want instead of telling him.
Good luck!
posted by misha at 10:26 AM on May 3, 2010
You've been together a long time and I think this is a phase that you can work through. It sounds to me like you are afraid to hurt his feelings, and I can understand that.
But I doubt your husband would have any problem with you saying, "Hey, I really want to try something different in the bedroom," and then asking him to let you explore and experiment while he is more passive. Think blindfolds, or light bondage on his side, and you taking control on your side to control the pacing and the action until you feel relaxed, then comfortable and finally aroused.
Show him what you want instead of telling him.
Good luck!
posted by misha at 10:26 AM on May 3, 2010
I think a lot of men are programmed to think that "Oh you are a women, you like tender slow, gentle." when the reality is many women and men like aggressive grabbing, hair pulling sort of stuff or more.
If your husband is thinking the former and you would rather have the latter then there is going to be a problem. You need to talk through it. Tell him what you want, what gets you fired up, and I am sure he will be happy to oblige. It may take some time to get through it but if you want to save the marriage then it would be worth it.
posted by WickedPissah at 11:33 AM on May 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
If your husband is thinking the former and you would rather have the latter then there is going to be a problem. You need to talk through it. Tell him what you want, what gets you fired up, and I am sure he will be happy to oblige. It may take some time to get through it but if you want to save the marriage then it would be worth it.
posted by WickedPissah at 11:33 AM on May 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
Seconding what's posted above. How about you communicate with your husband that you'd like to wait to have sex for at least the next few times you're intimate that you want him to wait until you've initiated it.
This way, sex will become something that you do when you're looking forward to it, instead of something that's sort of put upon you, which it seems like might be the case here. Once it's something you're looking forward to, I suspect you'll begin to enjoy it more again.
Good luck!
posted by elder18 at 11:42 AM on May 3, 2010
This way, sex will become something that you do when you're looking forward to it, instead of something that's sort of put upon you, which it seems like might be the case here. Once it's something you're looking forward to, I suspect you'll begin to enjoy it more again.
Good luck!
posted by elder18 at 11:42 AM on May 3, 2010
I had a similar problem in a relationship. I agree with WickedPissah in that the gentle touches just didn't do it for me but the biggest problem was the birth control I was on. I ended up going off of it as a spur of the moment decision and suddenly found a desire that I didn't even know was missing.
posted by Foam Pants at 12:44 PM on May 3, 2010
posted by Foam Pants at 12:44 PM on May 3, 2010
If you already know you're suffering from anxiety, this is probably a clue that you need to ramp up whatever you're doing to handle that.
When my anxiety is out of control, my arousal levels are fine. But put me in front of another person and I can't perform. My brain gets louder than my body, and sex devolves into something as clinical as "apply friction here".
posted by politikitty at 12:59 PM on May 3, 2010
When my anxiety is out of control, my arousal levels are fine. But put me in front of another person and I can't perform. My brain gets louder than my body, and sex devolves into something as clinical as "apply friction here".
posted by politikitty at 12:59 PM on May 3, 2010
If your financial situation is iffy that can definitely affect your libido. Believe it or not.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:26 PM on May 3, 2010
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:26 PM on May 3, 2010
My two cents:
The more you have sex when you're not feeling it, the more you lie there and take it as he touches you in ways that make you feel grossed out and irked, the more you will feel like sex is something to be dreaded and it will become more of a self fulfilling prophesy.
I think you need to let him know that you have to reboot. Just take some time, as long as it takes, until you are so horny you can't stand it, before having sex again. And talk to him well in advance about the specifics of what you do in bed. I know it's awkward, but make sure he knows and has accepted that you don't want him to do those things that gross you out. You say that sometimes you are aroused but he will actually do things to make you less aroused. There's no reason at all that he has to keep doing those things. Everything that you like or don't like in bed is okay. It's fine not to like some things! It's fine what what you like to completely change! Don't feel as if you have to force yourself to be into something that you're just not, even if you might have been somewhat into it before. I think you should accept what your preferences are now instead of trying to bring back the past.
It sounds to me like sex was never really all that great, but you could gloss that over because you were horny enough then. Now that you're less horny, and that veneer is gone, the bad sex is still what's left and it's just harder to tolerate now. But just because this problem wasn't fixed at the start doesn't mean it can't be fixed now. It might not be easy for him to learn how to duplicate what you do when you masturbate but it is definitely possible.
posted by Ashley801 at 5:13 PM on May 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
The more you have sex when you're not feeling it, the more you lie there and take it as he touches you in ways that make you feel grossed out and irked, the more you will feel like sex is something to be dreaded and it will become more of a self fulfilling prophesy.
I think you need to let him know that you have to reboot. Just take some time, as long as it takes, until you are so horny you can't stand it, before having sex again. And talk to him well in advance about the specifics of what you do in bed. I know it's awkward, but make sure he knows and has accepted that you don't want him to do those things that gross you out. You say that sometimes you are aroused but he will actually do things to make you less aroused. There's no reason at all that he has to keep doing those things. Everything that you like or don't like in bed is okay. It's fine not to like some things! It's fine what what you like to completely change! Don't feel as if you have to force yourself to be into something that you're just not, even if you might have been somewhat into it before. I think you should accept what your preferences are now instead of trying to bring back the past.
It sounds to me like sex was never really all that great, but you could gloss that over because you were horny enough then. Now that you're less horny, and that veneer is gone, the bad sex is still what's left and it's just harder to tolerate now. But just because this problem wasn't fixed at the start doesn't mean it can't be fixed now. It might not be easy for him to learn how to duplicate what you do when you masturbate but it is definitely possible.
posted by Ashley801 at 5:13 PM on May 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
Well, using lube would prevent the soreness.
posted by Jacqueline at 6:57 PM on May 3, 2010
posted by Jacqueline at 6:57 PM on May 3, 2010
I have a hard time believing this is all about his in-bed style. If it's not biochemical/hormonal for you, what else (if anything) is going on that might cause you to resent or disrespect him or pull away? What else might cause you to need to be left alone or have your own space or not want to put up with another person's style? I am intrigued by the idea that sex problems can be solved in the bedroom, but for me, they seem to function as a downstream effect of other things. (The book Second Shift found examples where housework had a big impact on a couple's sex life.)
posted by salvia at 8:36 PM on May 3, 2010
posted by salvia at 8:36 PM on May 3, 2010
If enough time goes by I will make sure we have sex even if I cannot get fully aroused.
The issue is not being aroused before sex, but whether you're aroused at all during sex. It's quite common for people, especially women, to not feel like sex beforehand but then to get into the zone once they're "warmed up." It sounds like your real problem is with the latter.. not being aroused before sex is no biggie if that's just how you roll.
posted by wackybrit at 9:16 PM on May 3, 2010
The issue is not being aroused before sex, but whether you're aroused at all during sex. It's quite common for people, especially women, to not feel like sex beforehand but then to get into the zone once they're "warmed up." It sounds like your real problem is with the latter.. not being aroused before sex is no biggie if that's just how you roll.
posted by wackybrit at 9:16 PM on May 3, 2010
Ok so I posted a question a few days ago on the otherside of things. What should I do about the lack of sex with my fiance?
So it's interesting to see a wife come forward and simply say that she isn't enjoying sex. I'm sure your husband knows something is up. This is sooo hard because you're basically saying you don't like certain things he's doing. Whether it's the way he touches you or goes about the actual act...it sounds like you're really turned off by your husband. First things first. Think back to the times when sex didn't feel like such a task. What did he do that you liked? Was he doing the same thing? Or has he changed his tactics a bit. Next, I would definitely start telling him what you like in bed...how you like to be touched...whether you like it fast or slow. A word of caution....don't be too blunt...and certainly don't be tooo honest as you could seriously damage his ego which could hurt your relationship. The last thing a husband or any man wants to hear is that he's not satisfying his women in bed. Instead, take the fun approach. Make a game out of it. Direct him in a very sexy, encouraging way. When he does something you like...make sure he knows it. If he's very sweaty in bed...before you have sex tell him you'd love to take a shower together. This way you don't make him feel bad by telling him he's gotta take a show before you have sex. Who knows you may even have sex in the shower. At the least...just washing each other is very sexy. Then jump into bed.
I must commend for coming forward and admitting there's a problem. It seems that you do want your husband to be happy and that you really care about your sex life. That's soo important. So just keep a positive attitude...take it slow....start to politely tell him what you want...and sex should start to get back to feeling good again. Hope this helps.
posted by ljs30 at 10:23 AM on May 6, 2010
So it's interesting to see a wife come forward and simply say that she isn't enjoying sex. I'm sure your husband knows something is up. This is sooo hard because you're basically saying you don't like certain things he's doing. Whether it's the way he touches you or goes about the actual act...it sounds like you're really turned off by your husband. First things first. Think back to the times when sex didn't feel like such a task. What did he do that you liked? Was he doing the same thing? Or has he changed his tactics a bit. Next, I would definitely start telling him what you like in bed...how you like to be touched...whether you like it fast or slow. A word of caution....don't be too blunt...and certainly don't be tooo honest as you could seriously damage his ego which could hurt your relationship. The last thing a husband or any man wants to hear is that he's not satisfying his women in bed. Instead, take the fun approach. Make a game out of it. Direct him in a very sexy, encouraging way. When he does something you like...make sure he knows it. If he's very sweaty in bed...before you have sex tell him you'd love to take a shower together. This way you don't make him feel bad by telling him he's gotta take a show before you have sex. Who knows you may even have sex in the shower. At the least...just washing each other is very sexy. Then jump into bed.
I must commend for coming forward and admitting there's a problem. It seems that you do want your husband to be happy and that you really care about your sex life. That's soo important. So just keep a positive attitude...take it slow....start to politely tell him what you want...and sex should start to get back to feeling good again. Hope this helps.
posted by ljs30 at 10:23 AM on May 6, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
I suspect, however, that there is more to this... a good counselor would be in order at this point...
Given that there is a reserve of love and trust, it seems likely that you will work this out.
posted by HuronBob at 6:18 AM on May 3, 2010