How To Leave a Narcissist in 10 Easy Steps
April 14, 2010 7:01 PM Subscribe
Advice and resources for a person trying to untangle herself from a romantic relationship with a narcissist?
I'd like to be able to point my friend to this thread as a source of info and support.
The relationship has been on/off. She has just broken it off with him again, and is having some difficulty.
(Therapy is not an option at this point.)
I'd like to be able to point my friend to this thread as a source of info and support.
The relationship has been on/off. She has just broken it off with him again, and is having some difficulty.
(Therapy is not an option at this point.)
I'm pretty sure you'll have to be much more specific. (unless "narcissism" encompasses an instantly-recognizable, specific set of characteristics for people who know about this kind of thing).
posted by bearette at 7:17 PM on April 14, 2010
posted by bearette at 7:17 PM on April 14, 2010
Like any unhealthy relationship, walk away, cut off contact, move on.
posted by greta simone at 7:20 PM on April 14, 2010
posted by greta simone at 7:20 PM on April 14, 2010
Response by poster: is having some difficulty.
Of what sort?
Cutting contact. Seeing past his manipulations. Believing that there is no fixing the relationship or him. Quashing hope. Feeling, I imagine, pretty deeply depressed, among other things.
To clarify: by saying "narcissist," I am not being flippant or casual. The man has NPD.
posted by moira at 7:36 PM on April 14, 2010
Of what sort?
Cutting contact. Seeing past his manipulations. Believing that there is no fixing the relationship or him. Quashing hope. Feeling, I imagine, pretty deeply depressed, among other things.
To clarify: by saying "narcissist," I am not being flippant or casual. The man has NPD.
posted by moira at 7:36 PM on April 14, 2010
Response by poster: I'm sorry, I don't have a lot of detail to give. I don't have experience with this kind of personality, but I understand many MeFites are children, friends, and SOs of people with NPD, and might have specific help to offer.
posted by moira at 7:41 PM on April 14, 2010
posted by moira at 7:41 PM on April 14, 2010
Well, "cutting contact" would pretty well take care of "seeing past his manipulations", she's not responsible for "fixing him", and the relationship itself is pretty much fixed already. All breakups are depressing, but other fish in the sea time heals all wounds first day of the rest of her life &c.
I'm sorry, but you're giving us so little to go on here that there's really no advice we can offer beyond the generic.
On preview: His NPD is, as far as I can tell, irrelevant at this point, except maybe as an example of what not to look for in selecting her next boyfriend.
posted by ook at 7:47 PM on April 14, 2010
I'm sorry, but you're giving us so little to go on here that there's really no advice we can offer beyond the generic.
On preview: His NPD is, as far as I can tell, irrelevant at this point, except maybe as an example of what not to look for in selecting her next boyfriend.
posted by ook at 7:47 PM on April 14, 2010
Here is my 100% guaranteed to work way to break up with someone (narcissist, alcoholic, all round nice person, you name it):
Step 1.
Break up with them. In person (if safe to do so) or via some remote method of communication. Be clear. Give them no hope to cling to that you will get back together. Tell them you want no further contact. This will require preperation, and the resolute will to follow through with...
Step 2.
No further contact. Delete all emails before reading. Delete texts. Throw away unread letters. Cease all contact. Involve police if required.
You're welcome.
Think of it like being a building inspector. If you are a building inspector, and you inspect a property and there are multiple safety code violations, and the builder says "look I know I made mistakes in the past but I promise to fix those if you just approve this property! I'll come back later and patch it all up. OK?" What would you do?
posted by Admira at 8:24 PM on April 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
Step 1.
Break up with them. In person (if safe to do so) or via some remote method of communication. Be clear. Give them no hope to cling to that you will get back together. Tell them you want no further contact. This will require preperation, and the resolute will to follow through with...
Step 2.
No further contact. Delete all emails before reading. Delete texts. Throw away unread letters. Cease all contact. Involve police if required.
You're welcome.
Think of it like being a building inspector. If you are a building inspector, and you inspect a property and there are multiple safety code violations, and the builder says "look I know I made mistakes in the past but I promise to fix those if you just approve this property! I'll come back later and patch it all up. OK?" What would you do?
posted by Admira at 8:24 PM on April 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
Actually, if you were a building inspector, you'd give them a chance to correct the violations. So, bad analogy. Businesses-- unlike many people-- get more than three strikes in this country.
posted by Maias at 8:29 PM on April 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Maias at 8:29 PM on April 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
Too true Maias, I just re read it and realised that its a terrible analogy.
posted by Admira at 8:31 PM on April 14, 2010
posted by Admira at 8:31 PM on April 14, 2010
Best answer: The Gaslight Effect
Love and Limerence
Then there are lots of books available about coping with or leaving narcissist partners, like this one, which I haven't read, but looks promising.
posted by Ouisch at 8:50 PM on April 14, 2010
Love and Limerence
Then there are lots of books available about coping with or leaving narcissist partners, like this one, which I haven't read, but looks promising.
posted by Ouisch at 8:50 PM on April 14, 2010
Best answer: Also, Stalking the Soul which I've read parts of (on Google Books since my library didn't have it.) I liked it.
It sounds like she's really still coming to terms with the fact that the relationship is a dead-end, and that he IS, indeed manipulating her. I think understanding the nature of NPD, the behaviours and the manipulations is going to help her get to that place.
posted by Ouisch at 8:54 PM on April 14, 2010
It sounds like she's really still coming to terms with the fact that the relationship is a dead-end, and that he IS, indeed manipulating her. I think understanding the nature of NPD, the behaviours and the manipulations is going to help her get to that place.
posted by Ouisch at 8:54 PM on April 14, 2010
You need to GTFO. Cut this person out of your life completely.
posted by rhizome at 9:28 PM on April 14, 2010
posted by rhizome at 9:28 PM on April 14, 2010
Best answer: Some literature people who've been in a similar situation have mentioned to me as very helpful:
- Melody Beattie's books on codependency,
- Halpern's How to Break Your Addiction to a Person (the on/off quality of your friend's relationship suggests this sort of dynamic might be going on)
- and last but not least, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, a very useful and sobering book on how to deal with abuse, both emotional and physical (which are bound to be present in some form in a relationship with a narcissist).
The last one is something you might want to read yourself, too, if you're very involved in the situation or feel like you need to understand it better to learn how to respond and how to best support your friend.
posted by sively at 1:31 AM on April 15, 2010 [3 favorites]
- Melody Beattie's books on codependency,
- Halpern's How to Break Your Addiction to a Person (the on/off quality of your friend's relationship suggests this sort of dynamic might be going on)
- and last but not least, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, a very useful and sobering book on how to deal with abuse, both emotional and physical (which are bound to be present in some form in a relationship with a narcissist).
The last one is something you might want to read yourself, too, if you're very involved in the situation or feel like you need to understand it better to learn how to respond and how to best support your friend.
posted by sively at 1:31 AM on April 15, 2010 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by moira at 7:12 PM on April 14, 2010