Does he deserve another chance?
February 14, 2007 11:31 AM Subscribe
My boyfriend has recently been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Alone this is something to come to terms with but on top of this i have just found out he has been lying to me, which has made me question my whole relationship and the very foundations it has been built on. I have no idea what i should do...
posted by rainbow_2006 to human relations (79 answers total) 20 users marked this as a favorite
I apologize if this goes on for a bit, there is alot to be said though for situation to be completely clear.
I posted on here summer of last year with the question "Is it possible to love two people at the same time?". Within that post i explained about how i had fallen in love with a married man who claimed to love both myself and his wife. After many answers to my question the general outcome seemed to be that i was silly for deluding myself about this mans intentions and how he would never leave his wife. Shortly after this i left the city where we were both living and returned home to my parents believing that this would be the last time i saw this man.
It came as a very big surprise then when he told me he was leaving his wife and he wanted to make a real go of things with me. He told me he no longer loved his wife and that sexually there was nothing going on between them. His wife left and i moved back into the city to start my future with him.
It soon became apparent my boyfriend was suffering from depression, something he said he been suffering from for almost ten years. As i have suffered depression myself and have been witness to it in friends and family, i urged him to go to the doctors where he was diagnosed with a form of bipolar and was told to await an appointment to see a mental health specialist.
I will be the first to admit that whilst this was happening our relationship was not great and we were under alot of strain. This aside though it hurt me alot to find out he had been emailing his wife, who was thousands of miles away in another country, telling her how he had made a mistake and still loved her etc. There was even an incident involving sexual acts over a webcam. I confronted him about this and he told me he was saying this to his wife to make her feel better as this is what she wanted to hear.
He promised me this would not happen again and found it in myself to believe him and move on. We were trying for a child and four weeks ago i found out i was pregnant, (i am now around 13 weeks). Two weeks ago i vistied my family and before i left i begged him not to speak to her as i knew this would be an ideal time for him to do so without my presence in the house. He swore blind he wouldn't do so.
A week ago today we had a huge row about moving to our new house we have just bought. His wifes belongings are still here and i asked him to email her to sort out getting the items back to her. I emailed her myself, something he was happy for me to do, and explained the situation including my pregnancy. On this night i also found out they had once again been emailing eachother, my partner telling her he loved her and was missing her, the same gist as last time. Much arguing persued but he promised me he had not been in touch with since learning of my pregnancy and would not do so in the future. I again took him back.
On Saturday night she phoned me and i found out the true extent on my boyfriends deception. The weekend i had gone home they were on the phone and using instant messenger to communicate. He had not told her i was pregnant and went on to say the only reason he was still with me was that i was 'mentally unstable' and that leaving me would 'kill' me. What is ironic is that this is exactly what he use to tell me about his wife.
Myself and his wife had a long conversation, and even though it was surreal, we came to an understanding.
My boyfriend insists he is going to keep to his promise of not getting in touch with her as he wants to concerntrate on our future with the baby. I have taken him back.... again. This time though i feel different. I no longer trust him, i hate him for what he has done and i feel so guilty about all the hurt i have played part in towards his wife. Worse, i feel guilty for his actions too and i don't know why. I am staying, but i do not know how to move on or if i am doing the right thing at all.
As far as the NPD is concerned, i know that lying, being able to show no empathy and in somecases being a general wanker all comes with the diagnosis, but i don't know if i should stay with this man because of this. If this is someting he can't help how the hell am i suppose to take anything he says or does seriously?
I am not sure what i want in response to this, just some general feedback. I would apprieciate no-one saying i have brought this on myself though by getting involved with a married man. Trust me i feel bad enough about that as it is and i wish i never had.