love hurts/crazy in love
April 14, 2010 11:29 AM Subscribe
lies! love! cheating! how to overcome & move on?
how do you get over being cheated on and lied-to-your-face (a one-off + a bunch of lies, but still), finding out a year or more after the fact?
i'm not interested in DTMFA tales, because this person really is not a MF. they're great, amazing, i love them, and i genuinely believe it was a mistake. this doesn't mean it's not killing me on other levels. i have a lot of sympathy for them, and am glad they came clean.
how do you trust again? stop feeling like an idiot? (this is mostly my problem right now: like, i feel like such a total loser to have been so trusting.) i'm not even angry, just... devastated. how to move on and feel ok about yourself, about your SO? am i overreacting?
what could the person who was unfaithful do to help their partner get back to good?
all other questions seem to be more should-i-stay-or-go, but what i really want are some success stories i guess, things that worked for you, whether you were either on either side of this situation, that is, you were (1) trying to forgive, or (2) trying to get your partner to feel good with you again, if you cheated.
sorry if there are threads very similar, my searching skills are poor and i'm not in the most astute mindframe at present.
throwaway: forgiveforgiveyeah@gmail.com
how do you get over being cheated on and lied-to-your-face (a one-off + a bunch of lies, but still), finding out a year or more after the fact?
i'm not interested in DTMFA tales, because this person really is not a MF. they're great, amazing, i love them, and i genuinely believe it was a mistake. this doesn't mean it's not killing me on other levels. i have a lot of sympathy for them, and am glad they came clean.
how do you trust again? stop feeling like an idiot? (this is mostly my problem right now: like, i feel like such a total loser to have been so trusting.) i'm not even angry, just... devastated. how to move on and feel ok about yourself, about your SO? am i overreacting?
what could the person who was unfaithful do to help their partner get back to good?
all other questions seem to be more should-i-stay-or-go, but what i really want are some success stories i guess, things that worked for you, whether you were either on either side of this situation, that is, you were (1) trying to forgive, or (2) trying to get your partner to feel good with you again, if you cheated.
sorry if there are threads very similar, my searching skills are poor and i'm not in the most astute mindframe at present.
throwaway: forgiveforgiveyeah@gmail.com
Sometimes (often?) the person who cheated confesses, apologizes, feels a great weight lifted, and wants to move on and rebuild the relationship, and then is upset to realize that his/her partner is still upset and can't do anything to hurry up the rebuilding process. It can take a lot longer for the cheated-on partner to feel comfortable in the relationship than the repentant cheater--even if both partners truly want to work it out.
(I don't speak from direct personal experience, but I have seen a couple friends try to work things out after cheating comes to light, only to get bogged down in each person blaming the other for the lack of progress. I thought this might be relevant.)
posted by Meg_Murry at 11:46 AM on April 14, 2010 [3 favorites]
(I don't speak from direct personal experience, but I have seen a couple friends try to work things out after cheating comes to light, only to get bogged down in each person blaming the other for the lack of progress. I thought this might be relevant.)
posted by Meg_Murry at 11:46 AM on April 14, 2010 [3 favorites]
I don't know how much this is going to help you, but I was in a similar situation a few months ago. My boyfriend had a minor meltdown over our relationship and -- as humans are wont to do when they feel crappy -- went out, got drunk, and slept with another girl. He told me about it the next day, and I, like you, wanted to just forgive him and move on because I believe that what we have is special and important, and that he genuinely made a mistake.
The best advice I received from a fellow commenter over at Jezebel, which I'm going to copy/paste here because she put it so well:
I think in this case, you should only forgive if you can. I say that because if you choose to forgive, you really, truly need to forgive in a way that you never bring this up in a fight. Never treat him as though he violated your trust. Never use it against him as a trump card. You must either forgive completely or walk away because otherwise, it will simply fester within you.
I took her advice and after the initial talk, have not brought it up again. I try not to think about it, or dwell on what little I know about the encounter (I believe that also helped a lot, the not knowing. My father cheated on my mother in their last year of marriage and she spent a long time torturing herself by trying to find out as much as possible about the other woman, which only served to make her feel worse about herself). It's worked (so far) for us, and I think it will keep on working.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sucks so hard. But if you believe that it is right, you will be able to do it. Forgiving someone who has betrayed your trust is one of the hardest things you can do, so prepare yourself for a difficult road. It's going to be tough, but it might just be worth it.
posted by fight or flight at 11:51 AM on April 14, 2010 [5 favorites]
The best advice I received from a fellow commenter over at Jezebel, which I'm going to copy/paste here because she put it so well:
I think in this case, you should only forgive if you can. I say that because if you choose to forgive, you really, truly need to forgive in a way that you never bring this up in a fight. Never treat him as though he violated your trust. Never use it against him as a trump card. You must either forgive completely or walk away because otherwise, it will simply fester within you.
I took her advice and after the initial talk, have not brought it up again. I try not to think about it, or dwell on what little I know about the encounter (I believe that also helped a lot, the not knowing. My father cheated on my mother in their last year of marriage and she spent a long time torturing herself by trying to find out as much as possible about the other woman, which only served to make her feel worse about herself). It's worked (so far) for us, and I think it will keep on working.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sucks so hard. But if you believe that it is right, you will be able to do it. Forgiving someone who has betrayed your trust is one of the hardest things you can do, so prepare yourself for a difficult road. It's going to be tough, but it might just be worth it.
posted by fight or flight at 11:51 AM on April 14, 2010 [5 favorites]
Perhaps you could put the ball in your SO's court by saying exactly that (I want to move on and forgive you but I'm having a hard time working out how - trusting you is a major issue). The SO may have some idea and/or may be instrumental in rebuilding this trust.
posted by gadha at 11:54 AM on April 14, 2010
posted by gadha at 11:54 AM on April 14, 2010
A mistake? Sure. But the words you chose make it sound like his cheating and lying were an accident. As if he woke up one day and his member fell into a lady's vagina and then he accidentally forgot how to tell you the truth. While he may not be an MF in your eyes, he certainly did things that MFers do.
How to trust him again? Well, you have to work on it hard. Couples therapy plus time. He may feel smothered because you keep asking him where he was. Maybe he was just working late...or maybe he was cheating again.
Are you overreacting? There's no way anyone can really answer that for you. You rightly feel lied to and cheated on because you were...and what you do as a result of that is up to you. But do know this, there was something going on in his head that said that cheating and lying to you was a good idea. What was it?
What he needs to do is up to you to decide, as well. I'm sure it's different for different people. After that, you have to tell him what you need. If he can't deliver, then dump him or not, things are pretty much over.
Good luck.
posted by inturnaround at 11:56 AM on April 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
How to trust him again? Well, you have to work on it hard. Couples therapy plus time. He may feel smothered because you keep asking him where he was. Maybe he was just working late...or maybe he was cheating again.
Are you overreacting? There's no way anyone can really answer that for you. You rightly feel lied to and cheated on because you were...and what you do as a result of that is up to you. But do know this, there was something going on in his head that said that cheating and lying to you was a good idea. What was it?
What he needs to do is up to you to decide, as well. I'm sure it's different for different people. After that, you have to tell him what you need. If he can't deliver, then dump him or not, things are pretty much over.
Good luck.
posted by inturnaround at 11:56 AM on April 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
how do you trust again? stop feeling like an idiot? how to move on and feel ok about yourself, about your SO?
Time. Lots of it. Also, a significant improvement in communication and/or whatever the problem was in the relationship that caused or led to the cheating to begin with. Not saying it's your fault, of course, but if everything is 100% perfect, people generally don't cheat (there are exceptions to this, of course).
am i overreacting?
Who knows? Probably not. You seem willing to forgive them and genuinely want to work things out. Your feelings are valid and you're approaching this pretty logically, so it seems unlikely that you're overreacting. Actually, you're probably reacting better than almost anyone else I've known in this situation.
what could the person who was unfaithful do to help their partner get back to good?
Be honest, contrite, and sincere, and don't do it again. Be completely understanding and sympathetic when their partner inevitably gets sad about this from time to time. I've been on both sides of this, so feel free to MefiMail or email me. It doesn't always work, but time, honesty, sincerity, and a very strong desire to make things work are really the only things I can suggest.
posted by booknerd at 11:59 AM on April 14, 2010
Time. Lots of it. Also, a significant improvement in communication and/or whatever the problem was in the relationship that caused or led to the cheating to begin with. Not saying it's your fault, of course, but if everything is 100% perfect, people generally don't cheat (there are exceptions to this, of course).
am i overreacting?
Who knows? Probably not. You seem willing to forgive them and genuinely want to work things out. Your feelings are valid and you're approaching this pretty logically, so it seems unlikely that you're overreacting. Actually, you're probably reacting better than almost anyone else I've known in this situation.
what could the person who was unfaithful do to help their partner get back to good?
Be honest, contrite, and sincere, and don't do it again. Be completely understanding and sympathetic when their partner inevitably gets sad about this from time to time. I've been on both sides of this, so feel free to MefiMail or email me. It doesn't always work, but time, honesty, sincerity, and a very strong desire to make things work are really the only things I can suggest.
posted by booknerd at 11:59 AM on April 14, 2010
I can't speak to this personally, but I can tell you about my friend. I'll call her X and her boyfriend Y.
X and Y had been together about a year and were living together, when X started having suspicions about one of Y's female coworkers. She noticed that Y acted... oddly around this coworker. She couldn't really put her finger on any red flags, but she just had a feeling.
X flat out told Y that the coworker gave her a strange vibe, but Y denied that there was anything for X to worry about. X wanted to trust Y, so she didn't say anything when Y was invited to a booze-filled work party and told her he'd probably stay over at a friend's house that night.
X began having nightmares about Y cheating on her with his coworker. One morning X woke up from such a nightmare and called Y in tears, begging him to assure her that nothing was going on. When Y quietly told her he would come home from work to talk about it, X knew it was bad.
Y came home and confessed that he had fooled around with the coworker at the party. X was devastated. They were so good together, everybody thought they were an awesome couple. It was a tough choice, but she decided to give their relationship a second chance. Cheating is the worst kind of betrayal no matter how you spin it, but all considered he did the following things "right":
- He fully fessed up voluntarily - well, he could have spoken up sooner I guess, but she didn't have to catch him redhanded at it to force it out of him
- He seemed fully remorseful and ashamed of his actions, and terrified that he would lose her
- He told her he'd be willing to do whatever it takes to earn her forgiveness - it would all be on her terms
X told him that he had to tell the coworker that it was over in no uncertain terms, and that either the coworker or Y was going to have to quit their job. There was no way X was sticking around if Y and the coworker were still working together every day. The coworker actually wrote X a letter of apology, but not so surprisingly the coworker refused to quit. So Y quit.
And then? Just TIME. There is nothing else one can do to earn back another's trust. Nothing. Y understood that if he valued this second chance with X, he was going to have to do the time. He accepted that he was going to have to tough it out in the doghouse for however long it would take X to heal and forgive. He also accepted that X might never be able to forgive him, nor was she obliged to. He was there for X when she lashed out at him in anger, when she cried and cried, when she had more nightmares, and he fully accepted that he was the one to blame.
A couple years later, X and Y are doing really well now, and X feels that they are even closer than they were before. It was certainly trial by fire, but they learned a lot about themselves and about each other. Of course X wishes it had never happened, but it happened and they were able to deal with it.
So in response to your questions, it can work, but only when the cheater is 100% remorseful and devoted to righting their wrongs. There is nothing for you to do except give yourself time to heal. No sticking your head in the sand, no pretending it never happened - none of that will help you to forgive him and trust him again in the long run. There is no bandaid fix for this. And if your SO shows any sign of being unwilling to accept the consequences of his actions, DTMFA! I mean it. Cheaters get ONE CHANCE, and they had better the hell be grateful for it.
posted by keep it under cover at 12:27 PM on April 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
X and Y had been together about a year and were living together, when X started having suspicions about one of Y's female coworkers. She noticed that Y acted... oddly around this coworker. She couldn't really put her finger on any red flags, but she just had a feeling.
X flat out told Y that the coworker gave her a strange vibe, but Y denied that there was anything for X to worry about. X wanted to trust Y, so she didn't say anything when Y was invited to a booze-filled work party and told her he'd probably stay over at a friend's house that night.
X began having nightmares about Y cheating on her with his coworker. One morning X woke up from such a nightmare and called Y in tears, begging him to assure her that nothing was going on. When Y quietly told her he would come home from work to talk about it, X knew it was bad.
Y came home and confessed that he had fooled around with the coworker at the party. X was devastated. They were so good together, everybody thought they were an awesome couple. It was a tough choice, but she decided to give their relationship a second chance. Cheating is the worst kind of betrayal no matter how you spin it, but all considered he did the following things "right":
- He fully fessed up voluntarily - well, he could have spoken up sooner I guess, but she didn't have to catch him redhanded at it to force it out of him
- He seemed fully remorseful and ashamed of his actions, and terrified that he would lose her
- He told her he'd be willing to do whatever it takes to earn her forgiveness - it would all be on her terms
X told him that he had to tell the coworker that it was over in no uncertain terms, and that either the coworker or Y was going to have to quit their job. There was no way X was sticking around if Y and the coworker were still working together every day. The coworker actually wrote X a letter of apology, but not so surprisingly the coworker refused to quit. So Y quit.
And then? Just TIME. There is nothing else one can do to earn back another's trust. Nothing. Y understood that if he valued this second chance with X, he was going to have to do the time. He accepted that he was going to have to tough it out in the doghouse for however long it would take X to heal and forgive. He also accepted that X might never be able to forgive him, nor was she obliged to. He was there for X when she lashed out at him in anger, when she cried and cried, when she had more nightmares, and he fully accepted that he was the one to blame.
A couple years later, X and Y are doing really well now, and X feels that they are even closer than they were before. It was certainly trial by fire, but they learned a lot about themselves and about each other. Of course X wishes it had never happened, but it happened and they were able to deal with it.
So in response to your questions, it can work, but only when the cheater is 100% remorseful and devoted to righting their wrongs. There is nothing for you to do except give yourself time to heal. No sticking your head in the sand, no pretending it never happened - none of that will help you to forgive him and trust him again in the long run. There is no bandaid fix for this. And if your SO shows any sign of being unwilling to accept the consequences of his actions, DTMFA! I mean it. Cheaters get ONE CHANCE, and they had better the hell be grateful for it.
posted by keep it under cover at 12:27 PM on April 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
I don't think things can ever be the same again after someone has done that to you. If you work hard they might get close though, but you should think about whether it is really worth it or not.
From what I have seen people who cheat usually cheat again, plus the person who is being cheated on is usually the one who is obviously far more in love with the person cheating than the person cheating is with them. It is horrible and sad to watch - if the person just accepts the cheating and that it happens sometimes then it seems to take something out of them, like they are partially emotionally dead (but still in love with the damn cheater, sigh). It's enough to make you want to seriously consider polyamory or public fruit-pelting of cheaters (or worse!).
One thing that confuses me is that you refer to your partner and the person they cheated with as "them" and "they" - did they confess together instead of him alone? Why are they still being together now? Seems odd.
posted by meepmeow at 12:32 PM on April 14, 2010
From what I have seen people who cheat usually cheat again, plus the person who is being cheated on is usually the one who is obviously far more in love with the person cheating than the person cheating is with them. It is horrible and sad to watch - if the person just accepts the cheating and that it happens sometimes then it seems to take something out of them, like they are partially emotionally dead (but still in love with the damn cheater, sigh). It's enough to make you want to seriously consider polyamory or public fruit-pelting of cheaters (or worse!).
One thing that confuses me is that you refer to your partner and the person they cheated with as "them" and "they" - did they confess together instead of him alone? Why are they still being together now? Seems odd.
posted by meepmeow at 12:32 PM on April 14, 2010
Ok...
Dump The great, amazing, Person you love Already.
Love is not enough. Them being great is not enough.
There is someone just as good (perhaps better) who wont cheat on you, even once.
posted by French Fry at 12:43 PM on April 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
Dump The great, amazing, Person you love Already.
Love is not enough. Them being great is not enough.
There is someone just as good (perhaps better) who wont cheat on you, even once.
posted by French Fry at 12:43 PM on April 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
meepmeow, I think the them/they is being used to disguise the gender of the partner, and keep the question anonymous.
I have read that married couples who go through problems (like cheating) that stay together and work it out instead of splitting up report higher levels of happiness years later than people who divorced. It was a psychological study, so it's likely that the couples polled went through couples counselling, which may be a good idea for you. My actual point is that there is a real benefit to be gained by forgiving and working on trust - if you can do it, you'll end up with a stonger healthier relationship after.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 12:49 PM on April 14, 2010
I have read that married couples who go through problems (like cheating) that stay together and work it out instead of splitting up report higher levels of happiness years later than people who divorced. It was a psychological study, so it's likely that the couples polled went through couples counselling, which may be a good idea for you. My actual point is that there is a real benefit to be gained by forgiving and working on trust - if you can do it, you'll end up with a stonger healthier relationship after.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 12:49 PM on April 14, 2010
I wish I could find the source for the study I referenced above, but I don't have the time right now - it might be referenced in this article, which looks like it may be helpful to you either way. There's a lot of good resources at the Psychology Today website, spending a little time searching it could be rewarding.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:01 PM on April 14, 2010
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:01 PM on April 14, 2010
I went through something similar with my (now ex) wife.
Trust is rebuilt by actions over time, but, as I was told at the beginning of it all, once you cross that bridge you can never go back. There is a kind of naive, complete trust that can exist before cheating happens, and that is just gone. You can build a new kind of trust, but it's going to feel different.
Don't forgive your SO outright until you're ready. I went through an emotional rollercoaster, sometimes feeling like I really had forgiven her and was just happy to have the relationship back to normal, only to feel really angry a couple days later about the situation again. It's really hard, and not fun, and she has to be willing to ride that ride with you rather than chicken out because you're being emotional (read: don't just feel like you have to put on a happy face when you're not happy...but you also don't have to right to beat her up over it either...tough line to walk).
Biggest advice I can give: get a couple's counselor asap. Seriously.
posted by kryptonik at 1:41 PM on April 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
Trust is rebuilt by actions over time, but, as I was told at the beginning of it all, once you cross that bridge you can never go back. There is a kind of naive, complete trust that can exist before cheating happens, and that is just gone. You can build a new kind of trust, but it's going to feel different.
Don't forgive your SO outright until you're ready. I went through an emotional rollercoaster, sometimes feeling like I really had forgiven her and was just happy to have the relationship back to normal, only to feel really angry a couple days later about the situation again. It's really hard, and not fun, and she has to be willing to ride that ride with you rather than chicken out because you're being emotional (read: don't just feel like you have to put on a happy face when you're not happy...but you also don't have to right to beat her up over it either...tough line to walk).
Biggest advice I can give: get a couple's counselor asap. Seriously.
posted by kryptonik at 1:41 PM on April 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
Okay. We're gonna do this in two parts, dig? In part one, I will answer your question. In part two, I will give you the gory DTMFA caveats...separated so that you can more easily disregard them.
Part the first:
First, bear in mind that forgiveness and trust are totally different animals. You can forgive and still not trust.
Trust is hard, hard, motherfucking HARD to rebuild. I've been there. In fact, I have been almost exactly where you are. I learned about a horrifying bout of infidelity about a year after the fact.
We did all the typical things: therapy, long talks, you name it. Here's the thing, though -- none of that crap can actually rebuild trust. Trust can only be rebuilt by actions and, even then, only very slowly.
What could she do to regain your trust? Well, that's really up to the two of you to decide. Ask for what you need... but be aware that there will always be a spot in the back of your brain that screams at you that she's only doing this because you asked. Is this self-defeating? Maybe, but it happens whether you want it to or not. The best trust building will be done of her own volition.
Be prepared for triggers. And make HER prepared for dealing with your triggers, as well. You may go months or even years feeling stable, and then something happens...be it a song, a smell, shit...the bus seat could be warm....and you will go from feeling normal to plummeting the depths of your own self-doubt in about a nanosecond. This is normal.
She will also need to realize that you rebuild trust on your own time line and not on hers. Eventually, you are liable to reach a point where you are still learning to trust after she feels you should be done and over with it. That's gonna be a major hurdle to you, and you need to be sure that you get your needs met. Don't let yourself fall into the self-effacing trap of feeling guilty for still not being entirely trusting -- it's common, it's wrong, and it's unfortunately a frequently-used tool for manipulating the betrayed party.
If she really atones for her actions and is really serious about your being together and her helping you recover, then she will do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes.
Good luck to you.
Part the second:
Here's where trouble comes in... As mentioned above, you will never again have the relationship you had. It's dead and floating belly up in the tank. What you are about to embark upon is the creation of an entirely new relationship. Both of you need to accept that with open eyes. This is easier said than done... but odds are that one or both of you is going to always feel your new relationship is just a broken version of your old one.
Also... you are not feeling angry now, but you will. You will feel a mighty anger. You're just in a bit of a delay. It's easy not to feel the anger right up front because the incident happened so long ago....but you will get angry. You will get angry over the transgression, you will get angry over her hiding it for so long and pretending every little thing was hunky dory, you will get angry for her assumption of you as good-natured idiot, and you will get angry at the fact that however amount of your relationship was predicated entirely on a false premise.
You will get angry.
When you finally do, she will probably resent it. She will feel like you should already be over your anger. After all, you forgave her...right? That's gonna be some mighty friction right there.
Also, regarding that bit about her being ready for you to be over it before you are? That will happen, I guarantee. And when it does, she will probably attempt to make you feel guilty for it. You will be accused of "confining" her... of being controlling...of being untrusting, jealous, overbearing, anything she can really throw at you and get to stick. The point of all this is to make YOU feel like the guilty party. If this ever starts, walk away -- and fast.
She is also somebody who lied to you and kept that lie up for OVER A FUCKING YEAR. This is not somebody who is going to work with you to rebuild your trust, I fear. Rather, this is an individual for whom lying is so much a matter of course, whose day-to-day reality is so compartmentalized, that they can maintain this facade for a very long time.
In essence? Your relationship with this kind, wonderful, amazing individual was not real. It was in your head. It was an illusion propped up by her. I really don't think you should mourn it much when you walk away.
posted by kaseijin at 2:33 PM on April 14, 2010 [5 favorites]
Part the first:
First, bear in mind that forgiveness and trust are totally different animals. You can forgive and still not trust.
Trust is hard, hard, motherfucking HARD to rebuild. I've been there. In fact, I have been almost exactly where you are. I learned about a horrifying bout of infidelity about a year after the fact.
We did all the typical things: therapy, long talks, you name it. Here's the thing, though -- none of that crap can actually rebuild trust. Trust can only be rebuilt by actions and, even then, only very slowly.
What could she do to regain your trust? Well, that's really up to the two of you to decide. Ask for what you need... but be aware that there will always be a spot in the back of your brain that screams at you that she's only doing this because you asked. Is this self-defeating? Maybe, but it happens whether you want it to or not. The best trust building will be done of her own volition.
Be prepared for triggers. And make HER prepared for dealing with your triggers, as well. You may go months or even years feeling stable, and then something happens...be it a song, a smell, shit...the bus seat could be warm....and you will go from feeling normal to plummeting the depths of your own self-doubt in about a nanosecond. This is normal.
She will also need to realize that you rebuild trust on your own time line and not on hers. Eventually, you are liable to reach a point where you are still learning to trust after she feels you should be done and over with it. That's gonna be a major hurdle to you, and you need to be sure that you get your needs met. Don't let yourself fall into the self-effacing trap of feeling guilty for still not being entirely trusting -- it's common, it's wrong, and it's unfortunately a frequently-used tool for manipulating the betrayed party.
If she really atones for her actions and is really serious about your being together and her helping you recover, then she will do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes.
Good luck to you.
Part the second:
Here's where trouble comes in... As mentioned above, you will never again have the relationship you had. It's dead and floating belly up in the tank. What you are about to embark upon is the creation of an entirely new relationship. Both of you need to accept that with open eyes. This is easier said than done... but odds are that one or both of you is going to always feel your new relationship is just a broken version of your old one.
Also... you are not feeling angry now, but you will. You will feel a mighty anger. You're just in a bit of a delay. It's easy not to feel the anger right up front because the incident happened so long ago....but you will get angry. You will get angry over the transgression, you will get angry over her hiding it for so long and pretending every little thing was hunky dory, you will get angry for her assumption of you as good-natured idiot, and you will get angry at the fact that however amount of your relationship was predicated entirely on a false premise.
You will get angry.
When you finally do, she will probably resent it. She will feel like you should already be over your anger. After all, you forgave her...right? That's gonna be some mighty friction right there.
Also, regarding that bit about her being ready for you to be over it before you are? That will happen, I guarantee. And when it does, she will probably attempt to make you feel guilty for it. You will be accused of "confining" her... of being controlling...of being untrusting, jealous, overbearing, anything she can really throw at you and get to stick. The point of all this is to make YOU feel like the guilty party. If this ever starts, walk away -- and fast.
She is also somebody who lied to you and kept that lie up for OVER A FUCKING YEAR. This is not somebody who is going to work with you to rebuild your trust, I fear. Rather, this is an individual for whom lying is so much a matter of course, whose day-to-day reality is so compartmentalized, that they can maintain this facade for a very long time.
In essence? Your relationship with this kind, wonderful, amazing individual was not real. It was in your head. It was an illusion propped up by her. I really don't think you should mourn it much when you walk away.
posted by kaseijin at 2:33 PM on April 14, 2010 [5 favorites]
He's just not that into you. Or he wouldn't have done it. It's disrespectful and inexcusable. Period.
posted by spaceandtime30 at 3:05 PM on April 14, 2010
posted by spaceandtime30 at 3:05 PM on April 14, 2010
I suggest arming yourself with the knowledge and confidence to spot the warning signs and set boundaries that make you feel comfortable in the relationship again. You're in charge now, and you should get whatever you need to feel safe in the relationship from your partner. These resources helped me when I went through something tough:
-http://survivinginfidelity.com/ (caution: a lot of angry people here, but also a lot of compassion)
-NOT "Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass (Ira Glass' mom!)
-The Passion Paradox
And for what it's worth, it took me 4-months to make the decision to leave. It was the toughest time of my life, but I'm glad I'm I did it in the end. Whether you stay or go, just try to keep in mind that you're not going to feel the way you feel now forever. Don't do anything rash, take the time and space you need to make a decision. Remember that "taking a break" or some other temporary measure is always an option and it might help if you're feeling particularly overwhelmed.
Good luck.
posted by JPDD at 3:55 PM on April 14, 2010
-http://survivinginfidelity.com/ (caution: a lot of angry people here, but also a lot of compassion)
-NOT "Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass (Ira Glass' mom!)
-The Passion Paradox
And for what it's worth, it took me 4-months to make the decision to leave. It was the toughest time of my life, but I'm glad I'm I did it in the end. Whether you stay or go, just try to keep in mind that you're not going to feel the way you feel now forever. Don't do anything rash, take the time and space you need to make a decision. Remember that "taking a break" or some other temporary measure is always an option and it might help if you're feeling particularly overwhelmed.
Good luck.
posted by JPDD at 3:55 PM on April 14, 2010
Previously that might be helpful:
RelationshipFilter: She had an affair. I caught her. We're working it out. This sucks. I need help.
Closing the Loop: Looks Like we're Going to Make It
My opinion: if your partner is truly willing to make this work with you, you need couples counseling. You need to learn that your self-worth doesn't have anything to do with whether or not this "amazing" person is in love with you, and your partner needs to learn that you are the "amazing" one and you deserve better.
posted by dogmom at 8:31 PM on April 14, 2010
RelationshipFilter: She had an affair. I caught her. We're working it out. This sucks. I need help.
Closing the Loop: Looks Like we're Going to Make It
My opinion: if your partner is truly willing to make this work with you, you need couples counseling. You need to learn that your self-worth doesn't have anything to do with whether or not this "amazing" person is in love with you, and your partner needs to learn that you are the "amazing" one and you deserve better.
posted by dogmom at 8:31 PM on April 14, 2010
As Meg_Murry says, it will take you longer to feel okay with your relationship than it will your partner. The cheater has been feeling guilty, stewing over this for a whole year, and really (assuming they are the fantastic sensitive person you believe them to be) hammering out feelings and understanding that they prefer your relationship to any other possibilities, and, with any luck, perhaps even thinking about what the triggers were, and how they can act to avoid cheat-like situations in the future. This took a year. Now that they've got their emotional feet under them again, and know what they want (you, and specifically, a good relationship with you where they won't be feeling lower than low every time you say you love/trust/etc them) they have decided to tell you what's going on.
It takes time for emotional recovery. Your clock is at zero. Their clock is at a year. It is not on you to "catch up" to their time schedule, it's on them to wait.
posted by aimedwander at 7:30 AM on April 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
It takes time for emotional recovery. Your clock is at zero. Their clock is at a year. It is not on you to "catch up" to their time schedule, it's on them to wait.
posted by aimedwander at 7:30 AM on April 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
You can't just trust again right away. That's not trusting, that's willful ignoring of the facts. Only actions can create trust. Its organic, not something you decide. Its a feeling of not having to be on guard. You can't just bring it back because you want it to be there.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:42 AM on April 14, 2010 [5 favorites]