Advice for a first-time maid of honor
April 8, 2010 12:57 PM Subscribe
WeddingFilter: When bridal shower arrangements get out of hand
Here's the situation that I'm asking about on behalf of a friend/coworker who is the sweetest person in the entire world. She is a first-time maid of honor who is excited to be throwing an out-of-state bridal shower for her best friend of over 20 years.
The other women in the bridal party are tight-knit and have been throwing parties together for each others' major celebrations for quite some time. Sometimes the womens' parents and/or significant others have paid and so the women haven't had to pitch in anything for decorations, favors, food, etc., sometimes they have.
Any time they have had to pitch in for those things, the costs have ranged from $75 a participant to $200 a participant; every time my friend and the bride have been asked to pay, they do it willingly and with love. The usual M.O. is that whomever is arranging the party chooses what she thinks is best for the celebrant and no one has ever asked to see a budget, what is being purchased, etc.
My friend just finished ordering and had received all the decorations, party favors, centerpieces, etc. for a party of 80 guests (yes, in an out-of-state wedding) and the cost per person is $95. She asked for them to send her their share of the cost, and one person replied (on behalf of "all" of them and privately) that she thought it was too expensive a cost and that she should have checked the local 99 Cent stores or Party City or other cheaper stores near her for cheaper supplies.
My friend was devastated when she received this email because when she was ordering these nifty things for her friend's party she was only thinking of what she thought her friend (the bride/best friend) would get a kick out of seeing. Of all of them, my friend pulls down the lowest salary, so I'm not convinced that the suggestions in this thread apply.
After some conference with me and her other friends in the office this morning, she replied to the women that she understands that some may think it's expensive, so they should "give whatever your budget allows you to" but stressed to the women that in all the years they’ve been throwing parties together they'd never raised a fuss about price before when asked and that the bride also never raised a fuss about paying her share in the past when asked.
A completely different person replied this time around to her privately, saying again that they "all" feel as if it's a bit excessive and that my friend tends to have "champagne tastes with beer pockets, so just be cognizant of how you spent other peoples' money."
Any suggestions/advice on what she should do now?
Here's the situation that I'm asking about on behalf of a friend/coworker who is the sweetest person in the entire world. She is a first-time maid of honor who is excited to be throwing an out-of-state bridal shower for her best friend of over 20 years.
The other women in the bridal party are tight-knit and have been throwing parties together for each others' major celebrations for quite some time. Sometimes the womens' parents and/or significant others have paid and so the women haven't had to pitch in anything for decorations, favors, food, etc., sometimes they have.
Any time they have had to pitch in for those things, the costs have ranged from $75 a participant to $200 a participant; every time my friend and the bride have been asked to pay, they do it willingly and with love. The usual M.O. is that whomever is arranging the party chooses what she thinks is best for the celebrant and no one has ever asked to see a budget, what is being purchased, etc.
My friend just finished ordering and had received all the decorations, party favors, centerpieces, etc. for a party of 80 guests (yes, in an out-of-state wedding) and the cost per person is $95. She asked for them to send her their share of the cost, and one person replied (on behalf of "all" of them and privately) that she thought it was too expensive a cost and that she should have checked the local 99 Cent stores or Party City or other cheaper stores near her for cheaper supplies.
My friend was devastated when she received this email because when she was ordering these nifty things for her friend's party she was only thinking of what she thought her friend (the bride/best friend) would get a kick out of seeing. Of all of them, my friend pulls down the lowest salary, so I'm not convinced that the suggestions in this thread apply.
After some conference with me and her other friends in the office this morning, she replied to the women that she understands that some may think it's expensive, so they should "give whatever your budget allows you to" but stressed to the women that in all the years they’ve been throwing parties together they'd never raised a fuss about price before when asked and that the bride also never raised a fuss about paying her share in the past when asked.
A completely different person replied this time around to her privately, saying again that they "all" feel as if it's a bit excessive and that my friend tends to have "champagne tastes with beer pockets, so just be cognizant of how you spent other peoples' money."
Any suggestions/advice on what she should do now?
There is nothing to do now but for your friend to realize that, in fact, a bridal shower for 80 people is kind of excessive, and that in fact you should not spend other people's money for them. By not consulting them first, she ran the risk of having this kind of insurrection, and she may have to eat the cost.
posted by yarly at 1:07 PM on April 8, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by yarly at 1:07 PM on April 8, 2010 [3 favorites]
Return it all, send a check for 75 bucks to one of the women and suggest THEY do it if they think they can do better.
(Don't do that but it made me feel better to say it.)
Is it possible that because all this is out of state that the others are feeling a bit of a pinch, particularly with the economy in the state it's in? Because otherwise this makes absolutely no sense whatsoever to me.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 1:07 PM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
(Don't do that but it made me feel better to say it.)
Is it possible that because all this is out of state that the others are feeling a bit of a pinch, particularly with the economy in the state it's in? Because otherwise this makes absolutely no sense whatsoever to me.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 1:07 PM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: there's something personal going on. your friend probably knows what it is. when the comments get personal ("champagne tastes with beer pockets, so just be cognizant of how you spent other peoples' money."), it's not about money.
either your friend needs to pick up some of the cost or return some of the items. the other friends should pay and not get nasty, but i don't think that's one of the options on the table. the most important thing is that the bride isn't put in the middle of money/extravagance debate before/during/after her party.
after the party, after the wedding your friend can suss out with the other gals what happened here and why the reaction was like it was. but to try to work that out as it relates to this party, this money, this wedding - it won't end well.
posted by nadawi at 1:09 PM on April 8, 2010 [6 favorites]
either your friend needs to pick up some of the cost or return some of the items. the other friends should pay and not get nasty, but i don't think that's one of the options on the table. the most important thing is that the bride isn't put in the middle of money/extravagance debate before/during/after her party.
after the party, after the wedding your friend can suss out with the other gals what happened here and why the reaction was like it was. but to try to work that out as it relates to this party, this money, this wedding - it won't end well.
posted by nadawi at 1:09 PM on April 8, 2010 [6 favorites]
For parties in the past, were their other costs besides party decoration etc. contributions? I ask because it can, frankly, be very expensive to be in a bridal party. Once you get your dress (and I've had a friend select a nearly $300 dress plus $75 sash plus tailoring plus shoes, whereas on the other hand I bought my bridesmaid's dresses for them). there is also the out of town travel to consider (apparently more than once, for this wedding), and so on. It may just be that whereas a $200 contribution was appropriate for parties in the past, those were the ONLY costs.
Obviously your friend, as maid of honor, is in a pretty good position to know these facts, but I just wonder if she has considered the party costs in light of the other costs. For me, being in the wedding of the friend mentioned above would have cost me about $500. If asked to contribute another $95 to a party, I would have done my best to say "pound sand" in a kind and respectful way. Again, your friend may have already considered these - since she is subject to the same costs as you say - but just in case.
posted by bunnycup at 1:09 PM on April 8, 2010
Obviously your friend, as maid of honor, is in a pretty good position to know these facts, but I just wonder if she has considered the party costs in light of the other costs. For me, being in the wedding of the friend mentioned above would have cost me about $500. If asked to contribute another $95 to a party, I would have done my best to say "pound sand" in a kind and respectful way. Again, your friend may have already considered these - since she is subject to the same costs as you say - but just in case.
posted by bunnycup at 1:09 PM on April 8, 2010
Is anyone else perhaps jealous that your friend is the maid-of-honor?
It sounds like your friend did the right thing in suggesting that everyone contribute what she's able to, but maybe she'll need to ask the others what kind of price range they had in mind.
posted by corey flood at 1:09 PM on April 8, 2010
It sounds like your friend did the right thing in suggesting that everyone contribute what she's able to, but maybe she'll need to ask the others what kind of price range they had in mind.
posted by corey flood at 1:09 PM on April 8, 2010
It's not clear above -- you say "The other women in the bridal party are tight-knit and have been throwing parties together for each others' major celebrations for quite some time." Does this group usually include your friend or not? If not, there's your answer -- I suspect the other women in the bridal party consider her a bit of an outsider. You know, fine and dandy that she's the bride's oldest friend but she doesn't live close, isn't part of the day to day, etc.
posted by devinemissk at 1:11 PM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by devinemissk at 1:11 PM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Yes, there are other costs (hotel, travel, spending cash, wedding gift/bridal shower gift).
It sounds like your friend did the right thing in suggesting that everyone contribute what she's able to, but maybe she'll need to ask the others what kind of price range they had in mind.
I hear that, but in searching AskMe, I saw this quote from Miss Manners: "Budget tips almost always attack wedding guests' enjoyment first. Rarely does even DIY bridal wisdom suggest that less should be spent on attire for the wedding party, but favors for the guest are consistently discussed as a way to 'cut corners' in a tight budget. Miss Manners suggests that, again, your wedding guests come first. Instead of drawing up your menu and venue and deciding how many people you can invite, she recommends that proper priorities are guests first, menu next."
I'm extrapolating from this that in this situation, the rest of the bridal shower attendees and the bride's enjoyment should come first. Am I wrong?
I'll add that the first person who responded was put in charge of food and was able to work out a deal with an ex-boyfriend to cut that cost down to $17 per person.
posted by TrishaLynn at 1:15 PM on April 8, 2010
It sounds like your friend did the right thing in suggesting that everyone contribute what she's able to, but maybe she'll need to ask the others what kind of price range they had in mind.
I hear that, but in searching AskMe, I saw this quote from Miss Manners: "Budget tips almost always attack wedding guests' enjoyment first. Rarely does even DIY bridal wisdom suggest that less should be spent on attire for the wedding party, but favors for the guest are consistently discussed as a way to 'cut corners' in a tight budget. Miss Manners suggests that, again, your wedding guests come first. Instead of drawing up your menu and venue and deciding how many people you can invite, she recommends that proper priorities are guests first, menu next."
I'm extrapolating from this that in this situation, the rest of the bridal shower attendees and the bride's enjoyment should come first. Am I wrong?
I'll add that the first person who responded was put in charge of food and was able to work out a deal with an ex-boyfriend to cut that cost down to $17 per person.
posted by TrishaLynn at 1:15 PM on April 8, 2010
Response by poster: Yes, she's always been a part of these parties/celebrations and again, has always paid her share without complaint.
posted by TrishaLynn at 1:16 PM on April 8, 2010
posted by TrishaLynn at 1:16 PM on April 8, 2010
This link at The Knot suggests that it's really not proper for the host of a bridal shower to ask for contributions from the guests. (For clarification, is she asking every person attending to pay $95? 80X$95 is quite a bit of money...are these bridal showers always so big?) I know there's been a precedent set, but apparently they're revolting now and there are different economic realities now than there had been even 2 years before. I'm sure it's tough for some people to justify $95 AND a Bridal Shower gift followed by a wedding gift.
I'd say, if possible, downsize the really expensive costs and opt for more reasonable alternatives. Hopefully the bride will understand the need (and want) for people to try to cap their expenses.
posted by inturnaround at 1:20 PM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
I'd say, if possible, downsize the really expensive costs and opt for more reasonable alternatives. Hopefully the bride will understand the need (and want) for people to try to cap their expenses.
posted by inturnaround at 1:20 PM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
It seems like your friend didn't agree on a budget with anyone beforehand. She should have. As it stands, she's apparently just sprung an unexpected bill on unwitting and unwilling people under the assumption that it's all good. That's a pretty shitty thing to do, and citing precedent ain't gonna fix nothin'.
Your friend fucked up. Lesson learned!
posted by Sys Rq at 1:28 PM on April 8, 2010 [3 favorites]
Your friend fucked up. Lesson learned!
posted by Sys Rq at 1:28 PM on April 8, 2010 [3 favorites]
Best answer: It sucks that the rules have unexpectedly changed on your friend without her realizing it. I can imagine a couple of reasons why this would happen:
--Personal drama between the bride and the other bridal party members she's not aware of
--This group of friends has been slowly drifting apart over time and because bridal party members feel less close to bride they are less willing to spend the same sort of money as before
--The economy is in the crapper now (but maybe wasn't before when these other parties were held) so people are stressed about money even if all the relationships are the same
--The bride might be among the last of the group to get married, and unfairly what tends to happen is the excitement and novelty of wedding and bridal party stuff that made it seem totally normal to drop several hundred dollars on a friend's party is mostly gone for the group of people involved
My totally-uninformed guess is that it's a mixture of the third and fourth, especially given the way you say there's been a bunch of wedding showers before. Regardless of the *why*, however, the end result is the same: even though it's not really fair, your friend can't assume that it's okay to figure out the party first and budget second as has happened for other people's parties. The sooner your friend realizes this and makes her peace with it, the less drama this will create for her. I'm getting a pretty strong sense from the phrasing of your question that your friend is upset about the bride (her best friend) not getting her fair shake when it's her turn, and while that might be true, she really just needs to find a way to let that feeling go. Sometimes life isn't fair, especially for stuff like this. We have yet to invent a way to make people care more about the things we wish they'd care about.
posted by iminurmefi at 1:31 PM on April 8, 2010 [3 favorites]
--Personal drama between the bride and the other bridal party members she's not aware of
--This group of friends has been slowly drifting apart over time and because bridal party members feel less close to bride they are less willing to spend the same sort of money as before
--The economy is in the crapper now (but maybe wasn't before when these other parties were held) so people are stressed about money even if all the relationships are the same
--The bride might be among the last of the group to get married, and unfairly what tends to happen is the excitement and novelty of wedding and bridal party stuff that made it seem totally normal to drop several hundred dollars on a friend's party is mostly gone for the group of people involved
My totally-uninformed guess is that it's a mixture of the third and fourth, especially given the way you say there's been a bunch of wedding showers before. Regardless of the *why*, however, the end result is the same: even though it's not really fair, your friend can't assume that it's okay to figure out the party first and budget second as has happened for other people's parties. The sooner your friend realizes this and makes her peace with it, the less drama this will create for her. I'm getting a pretty strong sense from the phrasing of your question that your friend is upset about the bride (her best friend) not getting her fair shake when it's her turn, and while that might be true, she really just needs to find a way to let that feeling go. Sometimes life isn't fair, especially for stuff like this. We have yet to invent a way to make people care more about the things we wish they'd care about.
posted by iminurmefi at 1:31 PM on April 8, 2010 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: For clarification, is she asking every person attending to pay $95?
No, just the women in the bridal party.
posted by TrishaLynn at 1:31 PM on April 8, 2010
No, just the women in the bridal party.
posted by TrishaLynn at 1:31 PM on April 8, 2010
I hear that, but in searching AskMe, I saw this quote from Miss Manners: "Budget tips almost always attack wedding guests' enjoyment first. Rarely does even DIY bridal wisdom suggest that less should be spent on attire for the wedding party, but favors for the guest are consistently discussed as a way to 'cut corners' in a tight budget. Miss Manners suggests that, again, your wedding guests come first. Instead of drawing up your menu and venue and deciding how many people you can invite, she recommends that proper priorities are guests first, menu next."
I'm extrapolating from this that in this situation, the rest of the bridal shower attendees and the bride's enjoyment should come first. Am I wrong?
Yes, you have it completely backwards. Miss Manners is actually suggesting that the bride be cognizant of budget constraints of guests and not force them to cough up a bunch of dough for a wedding--rather than focus on cutting corners by limiting gifts for the guests, etc.
Frankly, there's never an obligation to give a gift, even if the recipient has given before, and even a contribution to something like a shower. $95--especially, if, as inturnaround says, this is 80 people each contributing $95--sounds pretty exorbitant to me for something that doesn't even touch other wedding costs.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 1:36 PM on April 8, 2010
I'm extrapolating from this that in this situation, the rest of the bridal shower attendees and the bride's enjoyment should come first. Am I wrong?
Yes, you have it completely backwards. Miss Manners is actually suggesting that the bride be cognizant of budget constraints of guests and not force them to cough up a bunch of dough for a wedding--rather than focus on cutting corners by limiting gifts for the guests, etc.
Frankly, there's never an obligation to give a gift, even if the recipient has given before, and even a contribution to something like a shower. $95--especially, if, as inturnaround says, this is 80 people each contributing $95--sounds pretty exorbitant to me for something that doesn't even touch other wedding costs.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 1:36 PM on April 8, 2010
has always paid her share without complaint.
I'm going to guess she either has different professional circumstances than many of the guests, or has failed to calculate the total cost they're being asked to pay up for this wedding and because the guests can't unleash their resentment on the bride, they're unleashing it on her.
I think all they're thinking is 'another hundred bucks???'
Your friend needs to get creative and reduce the cost, it's mildly her fault for not taking total costs into consideration and mildly everyone's fault for not being upfront about their concerns earlier, but the situation now exists.
If it were me, I'd recommend not cheaping out on the drinks. Cheap out on venue (have it outdoors) or food (who wants a hamburger???) Centerpieces, for instance, are not needed, or can be made elsewhere, perhaps by one of the guests or something in lieu of a gift.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 1:36 PM on April 8, 2010
I'm going to guess she either has different professional circumstances than many of the guests, or has failed to calculate the total cost they're being asked to pay up for this wedding and because the guests can't unleash their resentment on the bride, they're unleashing it on her.
I think all they're thinking is 'another hundred bucks???'
Your friend needs to get creative and reduce the cost, it's mildly her fault for not taking total costs into consideration and mildly everyone's fault for not being upfront about their concerns earlier, but the situation now exists.
If it were me, I'd recommend not cheaping out on the drinks. Cheap out on venue (have it outdoors) or food (who wants a hamburger???) Centerpieces, for instance, are not needed, or can be made elsewhere, perhaps by one of the guests or something in lieu of a gift.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 1:36 PM on April 8, 2010
I'm extrapolating from this that in this situation, the rest of the bridal shower attendees and the bride's enjoyment should come first. Am I wrong?
Yes, you are wrong. The message you're getting is you can't expect bridesmaids to spend upwards of $500 on a bridal shower (party, travel, hotel, days off work maybe) before you even get to the probable $500 on the wedding itself. That's just whacky, and the "frugalista" atmosphere of the recession has allowed reason to finally reign.
posted by yarly at 1:37 PM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
Yes, you are wrong. The message you're getting is you can't expect bridesmaids to spend upwards of $500 on a bridal shower (party, travel, hotel, days off work maybe) before you even get to the probable $500 on the wedding itself. That's just whacky, and the "frugalista" atmosphere of the recession has allowed reason to finally reign.
posted by yarly at 1:37 PM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I agree that spending money on other people's weddings can wear down a group with time. It's not exactly fair, but in my experience, the first weddings were the most exciting for everyone, and more people were willing to spend more money to celebrate. After years of these events, it can start to wear on people and yes, in this economy, begins to seem over-the-top. Is everyone as financially stable as they used to be? Do more people have kids? Priorities change.
I understand the group dynamics hasn't worked like this in the past, but personally, if I was being asked to help fund and host the party, I'd be angry not to have been consulted prior to getting the bill. Is it possible that there was more group decision-making in the past but your friend unintentionally went rogue, so others feel that she is indeed spending their money?
It sounds possible that something personal is going on in the group towards the bride. Maybe she's contributed consistently to the bridal showers in the past, but the friends feel that she's hasn't done her share in other ways or during other times. But regardless, the gift of the bridal showers she's helped fund before don't really obligate the recipients to return the favor.
I think your friend should figure out what items are not set in stone, actively include the group to continue to bring those costs down, and at the end of the day, will have to accept whatever contributions she gets. The party is going to look different than she imagined, but the bride won't know that. Hopefully all she'll know is that she has 80 people who love and care about her and want to help her celebrate.
posted by juliplease at 1:43 PM on April 8, 2010
I understand the group dynamics hasn't worked like this in the past, but personally, if I was being asked to help fund and host the party, I'd be angry not to have been consulted prior to getting the bill. Is it possible that there was more group decision-making in the past but your friend unintentionally went rogue, so others feel that she is indeed spending their money?
It sounds possible that something personal is going on in the group towards the bride. Maybe she's contributed consistently to the bridal showers in the past, but the friends feel that she's hasn't done her share in other ways or during other times. But regardless, the gift of the bridal showers she's helped fund before don't really obligate the recipients to return the favor.
I think your friend should figure out what items are not set in stone, actively include the group to continue to bring those costs down, and at the end of the day, will have to accept whatever contributions she gets. The party is going to look different than she imagined, but the bride won't know that. Hopefully all she'll know is that she has 80 people who love and care about her and want to help her celebrate.
posted by juliplease at 1:43 PM on April 8, 2010
Thanks for the clarification TrishaLynn. It does help put things into focus. Still, 80 people is a huge shower, innit? Not every female who is attending the wedding must be invited to the shower. If the invitations haven't gone out yet, one way to cut costs drastically is to cut the number of guests. None but the closest female friends and relatives to the bride.
Will this carry forward to the bachelorette party, too? I hope not.
posted by inturnaround at 1:43 PM on April 8, 2010
Will this carry forward to the bachelorette party, too? I hope not.
posted by inturnaround at 1:43 PM on April 8, 2010
i second sys rq
posted by lakersfan1222 at 1:46 PM on April 8, 2010
posted by lakersfan1222 at 1:46 PM on April 8, 2010
I think you're interpreting that Miss Manners quotation wrong--see the full column here. What the venerable MM is saying is that when faced with budget constraints, it's better to cut down on how nice the party is rather than exclude people who have a legitimate expectation of being invited. In other words, if you have 80 people who legitimately expect to be invited to this shower (a big extended family!), then it's better to hold a picnic at the local park in order to stay within budget than it is to have your fancy catered lunch but only invite 20 people. Her exact words are:
posted by iminurmefi at 1:47 PM on April 8, 2010
Let us say, for example, that you have a large family or huge circle of friends who truly care about you and with whom you would like to share your wedding. But feeding them all dinner is prohibitive. The solution is to feed them all wedding cake and punch, rather than to feed everything to only a few of them. All that is required is not to set the wedding near a mealtime.This actually supports the other bridesmaids' suggestion of looking at 99 cent stores or Party City for the decorations. Given that it's already too late for that (it's all already been ordered), is it possible to cut the costs by reducing the number of people attending the shower? That's less ideal but may still be better than your friend getting stuck with the entire bill--she can propose that the bridal shower is limited to family and wedding party members only, and if the other bridesmaids want a bigger party then she has some leverage to ask them to pitch in a bigger share of the cost than they're willing to now.
posted by iminurmefi at 1:47 PM on April 8, 2010
Best answer: I agree with those who say that it sounds like there's something else going on here. Bridesmaids frequently start behaving like junior high school kids, with all the petty jealousies and petulant attitudes that go along with that. My daughter was in a similar situation, where she had been the bride's best friend for 15 years, but the other, more recent friends resented that my daughter had been asked to be maid of honor.
Although my instinct is to tell your friend to say "I've returned everything and I bought $50 worth of cheap trinkets at the $1 store. Please send me your $15 each when you get your paychecks", that will not make for a pleasant environment for the bride to deal with. Maybe she could just reply to the email with something like "I have stayed well within the amount we have generally spent in the past. If someone was having financial difficulty, they should have expressed their concerns beforehand. However, as it stands now, it's a done deal, and I would appreciated if everyone would just continue to do as they've always done and reimburse me for their share, as I have acted in good faith by purchasing things with the assumption that everyone would pull their fare share, as usual."
posted by MexicanYenta at 1:48 PM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Although my instinct is to tell your friend to say "I've returned everything and I bought $50 worth of cheap trinkets at the $1 store. Please send me your $15 each when you get your paychecks", that will not make for a pleasant environment for the bride to deal with. Maybe she could just reply to the email with something like "I have stayed well within the amount we have generally spent in the past. If someone was having financial difficulty, they should have expressed their concerns beforehand. However, as it stands now, it's a done deal, and I would appreciated if everyone would just continue to do as they've always done and reimburse me for their share, as I have acted in good faith by purchasing things with the assumption that everyone would pull their fare share, as usual."
posted by MexicanYenta at 1:48 PM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Apparently, some of the other women in the party make good six-digit salaries on their own; my friend makes slightly less than I do and I'm around $40K.
I personally like the suggestions that she return some of the stuff but not all of it, for her to ask what price range they're comfortable with, etc. She and I also went through the answers up to A Terrible Llama's point by point; I was also able to stop her from sending an email where she said she'd return everything and have them plan it without her. (Friend, if you're still reading, you know I love you.)
We told her to sleep on this for a bit longer, to try to take a step back. I told her that she might need to do some compromising. Please keep the answers coming!
posted by TrishaLynn at 2:00 PM on April 8, 2010
I personally like the suggestions that she return some of the stuff but not all of it, for her to ask what price range they're comfortable with, etc. She and I also went through the answers up to A Terrible Llama's point by point; I was also able to stop her from sending an email where she said she'd return everything and have them plan it without her. (Friend, if you're still reading, you know I love you.)
We told her to sleep on this for a bit longer, to try to take a step back. I told her that she might need to do some compromising. Please keep the answers coming!
posted by TrishaLynn at 2:00 PM on April 8, 2010
Best answer: every time my friend and the bride have been asked to pay, they do it willingly and with love
This sticks out to me. It's really nice that your friend and the bride are such generous, accommodating people, but that doesn't obligate anyone to spend $95 on a huge bridal shower--even if they make more money than your friend, and even if they've spent at that level for previous wedding-related events. It sounds like, whatever other interpersonal stuff may be going on, your friend felt she was owed the others' cooperation in her spending for this party.
Drama happens in wedding planning, but some of it is avoidable. No one should have just expected your friend and the bride to pay that $200 for the other events, and your friend shouldn't have just expected everyone to chip in $95 for this event. It happens that your friend was willing to shell out $200 without questioning, which was her choice to make, and it happens that the other women involved in the upcoming event are not willing to shell out $95 without questioning, which is their choice to make. I suspect the rest of this planning process will work out much smoother if your friend stops making assumptions about other people's budgets, even if she's comfortable with other people making assumptions about hers.
posted by Meg_Murry at 2:02 PM on April 8, 2010 [3 favorites]
This sticks out to me. It's really nice that your friend and the bride are such generous, accommodating people, but that doesn't obligate anyone to spend $95 on a huge bridal shower--even if they make more money than your friend, and even if they've spent at that level for previous wedding-related events. It sounds like, whatever other interpersonal stuff may be going on, your friend felt she was owed the others' cooperation in her spending for this party.
Drama happens in wedding planning, but some of it is avoidable. No one should have just expected your friend and the bride to pay that $200 for the other events, and your friend shouldn't have just expected everyone to chip in $95 for this event. It happens that your friend was willing to shell out $200 without questioning, which was her choice to make, and it happens that the other women involved in the upcoming event are not willing to shell out $95 without questioning, which is their choice to make. I suspect the rest of this planning process will work out much smoother if your friend stops making assumptions about other people's budgets, even if she's comfortable with other people making assumptions about hers.
posted by Meg_Murry at 2:02 PM on April 8, 2010 [3 favorites]
God. Wedding planning. I agree that your buddy kind of screwed up by not conferring with the rest of the bridal party on expectations and costs. I think this kind of thing happens all the time, meaning I think that one member of a wedding party will ask everybody else to pitch in on something they didn't expect to pitch in on. The difference here is that most people just contribute the cash, even if they badmouth it behind the scenes.
If it makes you (or your friend) feel any better, every big wedding planned has will likely have some sort of mix up or drama like this.
posted by jabberjaw at 2:06 PM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
If it makes you (or your friend) feel any better, every big wedding planned has will likely have some sort of mix up or drama like this.
posted by jabberjaw at 2:06 PM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
If your friend makes the lowest salary, this reaction really doesn't make sense to me, unless your friend's out-of-town wedding costs are unusual for the group, leading to resentment about yet another cost. If the other weddings have been local, then it is reasonable to expect that the other associated costs of out-of-town wedding be lower to compensate for the extra expense of traveling.
Can she ask the people who have specifically objected why they think it is excessive and why they think this situation differs from past parties? I would point out specific instances ("We all paid $200 for Jane's whatever party, $85 for Suzy's blah thing, and $150 for Margaret's thingamabob, and I wasn't consulted about budget for any of those. I assumed this party was the same as those. I'm sorry I apparently misunderstood people's expectations, but I'm afraid I still don't understand why Current Bride's shower is different?")
Either she'll find out the actual answer, or she'll get some passive-aggressive dancing around the issue. If she gets the second, that will indicate that there is something personal going on.
posted by Mavri at 2:07 PM on April 8, 2010 [4 favorites]
Can she ask the people who have specifically objected why they think it is excessive and why they think this situation differs from past parties? I would point out specific instances ("We all paid $200 for Jane's whatever party, $85 for Suzy's blah thing, and $150 for Margaret's thingamabob, and I wasn't consulted about budget for any of those. I assumed this party was the same as those. I'm sorry I apparently misunderstood people's expectations, but I'm afraid I still don't understand why Current Bride's shower is different?")
Either she'll find out the actual answer, or she'll get some passive-aggressive dancing around the issue. If she gets the second, that will indicate that there is something personal going on.
posted by Mavri at 2:07 PM on April 8, 2010 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Forgot to add: the bridal shower's being held locally, but the wedding itself (and bachelorette party) will be out of state.
posted by TrishaLynn at 2:12 PM on April 8, 2010
posted by TrishaLynn at 2:12 PM on April 8, 2010
Best answer: My question is this: how well did she communicate about budget prior to buying the things?
I suspect that what she should have done was to submit a proposed budget in advance to everyone who was expected to pay, to make sure the costs were approved, before buying the stuff. I wonder if they've done it this way in the past, and just not realized it.
Another way would have been to ask each bridesmaid to send a check for "what you can afford" and then use the total of those checks as the budget.
I also agree, though, that this is some interpersonal thing. Its not *just* about the money.
posted by anastasiav at 2:16 PM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
I suspect that what she should have done was to submit a proposed budget in advance to everyone who was expected to pay, to make sure the costs were approved, before buying the stuff. I wonder if they've done it this way in the past, and just not realized it.
Another way would have been to ask each bridesmaid to send a check for "what you can afford" and then use the total of those checks as the budget.
I also agree, though, that this is some interpersonal thing. Its not *just* about the money.
posted by anastasiav at 2:16 PM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I'm also marking down answers that I think make sense to me and that I hope she'll read/consider. (Friend, you know I still love you.)
posted by TrishaLynn at 2:16 PM on April 8, 2010
posted by TrishaLynn at 2:16 PM on April 8, 2010
Response by poster: I wonder if they've done it this way in the past, and just not realized it.
Another way would have been to ask each bridesmaid to send a check for "what you can afford" and then use the total of those checks as the budget.
That's a damn good suggestion. She's already gone home for the day, but I hope she keeps reading.
posted by TrishaLynn at 2:17 PM on April 8, 2010
Another way would have been to ask each bridesmaid to send a check for "what you can afford" and then use the total of those checks as the budget.
That's a damn good suggestion. She's already gone home for the day, but I hope she keeps reading.
posted by TrishaLynn at 2:17 PM on April 8, 2010
Also, stop doing this over email. I'm not clear if you all live in the same city or not. If possible, get everyone together in a room and talk about it. Its harder to be a jerk to someone's face.
posted by anastasiav at 2:18 PM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by anastasiav at 2:18 PM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
Best answer: As someone who's wedding is nearing, I find myself weighing in on this post which I would normally have passed by.
This is a shower. You have received feedback that the costs for the shower, divided per bridal party member, are too high. The absolute, absolute last thing I would want to do in that case would to be to question the bridal party on why they think the costs are too high. I would especially want to avoid a passive-aggressive situation (suggested upstream) where someone is asking the bridal party to justify their reasoning.
The maid of honor, for whatever reason, misjudged the willingness of the bridal party to pay. That is the current situation. You can analyze situations like this for days, but the bare tacks of it are that the people being asked to pay for the shower are complaining about the cost. Asking them to justify their complaints would be begging for endless drama and potentially chronic bad feelings.
You can either change the plans, or alienate the bridal party at large. A shower attended by an alienated bridal party is not something I would want to attend. Would anyone want to attend such a thing?
posted by Phyltre at 2:18 PM on April 8, 2010 [3 favorites]
This is a shower. You have received feedback that the costs for the shower, divided per bridal party member, are too high. The absolute, absolute last thing I would want to do in that case would to be to question the bridal party on why they think the costs are too high. I would especially want to avoid a passive-aggressive situation (suggested upstream) where someone is asking the bridal party to justify their reasoning.
The maid of honor, for whatever reason, misjudged the willingness of the bridal party to pay. That is the current situation. You can analyze situations like this for days, but the bare tacks of it are that the people being asked to pay for the shower are complaining about the cost. Asking them to justify their complaints would be begging for endless drama and potentially chronic bad feelings.
You can either change the plans, or alienate the bridal party at large. A shower attended by an alienated bridal party is not something I would want to attend. Would anyone want to attend such a thing?
posted by Phyltre at 2:18 PM on April 8, 2010 [3 favorites]
Is she shouldering a larger portion of the costs herself? My understanding is that the MOH is expected to do so; perhaps at the other parties the host paid half and divided the rest among the bridal parties, and she didn't do that here and the other bridesmaids are irritated by that.
My understanding is also that, ettiquette wise, the MOH is supposed to host the entire party herself (and that's what I did when I was MOH) but wedding ettiquette is like Mars ettiquette so maybe not.
At any rate, I would be pretty irritated to be asked to pay $95 for centerpieces. Booze, okay. Great food, okay. But centerpieces and decorations? No, thank you.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 2:37 PM on April 8, 2010
My understanding is also that, ettiquette wise, the MOH is supposed to host the entire party herself (and that's what I did when I was MOH) but wedding ettiquette is like Mars ettiquette so maybe not.
At any rate, I would be pretty irritated to be asked to pay $95 for centerpieces. Booze, okay. Great food, okay. But centerpieces and decorations? No, thank you.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 2:37 PM on April 8, 2010
"Something else is going on here"? Really? Compared to ANY bridal shower ever thrown on the face of the earth? Some sort of territorial bitch fest (over money or tackiness) has been a key part of every bridal and baby shower I've ever even heard about. I normally just smile, throw money in the pot, compliment everything and step away from the drama, but it's unavoidable. Heck, I had two friends "break up" over throwing my baby shower for me.
Weddings suck for friendships. Here, rank your friends by order of preference. Pick the top ones and ask them to lovingly perform Herculean tasks that often cost money. Add petty jealousyNow bring project management and monetary issues into friendships that have never had to accomplish much of anything before. Now have fun, OK? (We don't even get into involving the groom's female relatives in the shower and bachelorette party and how unfun that is.)
I think it is natural in a high pressure, unfamiliar, social territory situation.
That being said, she's a bit screwed in the cash department. It's not about budget planning -- if they didn't pick out the decorations with her, if they didn't get to contribute ideas, why would they want to contribute cash if it wasn't agreed to beforehand? Bridal showers are supposedly FUN to plan and she did it all without their input and then wants it to be funded.
If you're more cash strapped, if you resent that it's an 80-person shower, if you resent that no one listened to your ideas or input and then someone asks you for cash, there's no good way to respond.
"Hi everyone. I got (itemized list). It sounds like I went a little over the top compared to what people expected to spend. I'm able to return X, Y, Z and will on Saturday unless anyone objects. That leaves a total cost of $X. If you can contribute to offset my costs as we all did with Name's shower, Name's shower and Name's shower, I'd appreciate it. I will certainly need all your help [gluing together favors/decorating/cleaning up/coming up with shower games/etc.] and hope you might have time to help [the weekend before the shower/whatever timeframe]. If there's anything you have that might [get the theme across/make the day more special for Jane Doe/etc.], let me know. Thanks, --MOH"
posted by Gucky at 3:37 PM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
Weddings suck for friendships. Here, rank your friends by order of preference. Pick the top ones and ask them to lovingly perform Herculean tasks that often cost money. Add petty jealousyNow bring project management and monetary issues into friendships that have never had to accomplish much of anything before. Now have fun, OK? (We don't even get into involving the groom's female relatives in the shower and bachelorette party and how unfun that is.)
I think it is natural in a high pressure, unfamiliar, social territory situation.
That being said, she's a bit screwed in the cash department. It's not about budget planning -- if they didn't pick out the decorations with her, if they didn't get to contribute ideas, why would they want to contribute cash if it wasn't agreed to beforehand? Bridal showers are supposedly FUN to plan and she did it all without their input and then wants it to be funded.
If you're more cash strapped, if you resent that it's an 80-person shower, if you resent that no one listened to your ideas or input and then someone asks you for cash, there's no good way to respond.
"Hi everyone. I got (itemized list). It sounds like I went a little over the top compared to what people expected to spend. I'm able to return X, Y, Z and will on Saturday unless anyone objects. That leaves a total cost of $X. If you can contribute to offset my costs as we all did with Name's shower, Name's shower and Name's shower, I'd appreciate it. I will certainly need all your help [gluing together favors/decorating/cleaning up/coming up with shower games/etc.] and hope you might have time to help [the weekend before the shower/whatever timeframe]. If there's anything you have that might [get the theme across/make the day more special for Jane Doe/etc.], let me know. Thanks, --MOH"
posted by Gucky at 3:37 PM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
i was under the impression that the maid of honour pays for the bridal shower? (i did when i was my sister's maid of honour, and each of the bridesmaids contributed events/activities in some way). or if she's planning it out with the bridal party they confer on everything, including cost, together. to me if i was in the bridal party and suddenly received a email asking me to pony up $95 without having even said anything to me first i'd be annoyed too. weddings are expensive! even if i was making double what i make now i'd think $95 a person for decorations was WAY expensive.
posted by raw sugar at 3:56 PM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by raw sugar at 3:56 PM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Agreed with anastasiav - I am thinking even if your friend replies by email (sometimes good to get $ amounts in writing), follow up over the phone or in person (one at a time or in a group).
There's often the odd person who will misinterpret a neutral email.
posted by SarahbytheSea at 4:39 PM on April 8, 2010
There's often the odd person who will misinterpret a neutral email.
posted by SarahbytheSea at 4:39 PM on April 8, 2010
For parties in the past, were their other costs besides party decoration etc. contributions? I ask because it can, frankly, be very expensive to be in a bridal party. Once you get your dress (and I've had a friend select a nearly $300 dress plus $75 sash plus tailoring plus shoes, whereas on the other hand I bought my bridesmaid's dresses for them). there is also the out of town travel to consider (apparently more than once, for this wedding), and so on. It may just be that whereas a $200 contribution was appropriate for parties in the past, those were the ONLY costs.
This. We don't have 'bridal showers' here (is this the same as a hen party? There's been a good few articles in the UK about how annoying it is to be 'expected' to fly to Amsterdam for the weekend for your friends) but being in a wedding party can be expensive. (I hope none of my friends turn Bridezilla as it's impossible to find heels for me at the best of times, never mind in Delighted Oyster to match the dress.) I'm on a similar salary to you, I think, and that sounds an awful lot of money. Even if they're wealthy women, it may be that they only have so much to spend for reasons of their own and would rather put this sum toward a nice present?
If the group have been getting married for a few years now, is it possible that some members have more commitments than in the past (babies, mortgages, Faberge egg collections etc.).
posted by mippy at 8:26 AM on April 9, 2010
This. We don't have 'bridal showers' here (is this the same as a hen party? There's been a good few articles in the UK about how annoying it is to be 'expected' to fly to Amsterdam for the weekend for your friends) but being in a wedding party can be expensive. (I hope none of my friends turn Bridezilla as it's impossible to find heels for me at the best of times, never mind in Delighted Oyster to match the dress.) I'm on a similar salary to you, I think, and that sounds an awful lot of money. Even if they're wealthy women, it may be that they only have so much to spend for reasons of their own and would rather put this sum toward a nice present?
If the group have been getting married for a few years now, is it possible that some members have more commitments than in the past (babies, mortgages, Faberge egg collections etc.).
posted by mippy at 8:26 AM on April 9, 2010
Mippy, the US version of a "hen party" is called a "bachelorette party." A bridal shower is different. Here's an explanation of the difference.
posted by ocherdraco at 12:55 PM on April 9, 2010
posted by ocherdraco at 12:55 PM on April 9, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
Something else is going on, because that doesn't make sense. Are there other associated costs with this person's wedding that might be inflating the total cost for everyone, making them unwilling to pay this for the shower on top of whatever else (travel, bridesmaids' dresses, etc.)
posted by A Terrible Llama at 1:02 PM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]