Do I have to go in debt over my friend's wedding?
July 15, 2008 4:44 AM Subscribe
Bridesmaid stress: My friend's wedding is costing ME a huge amount of money (it'll be over a 1000$ all said and done) and I do not have that kind of money to spend on anything. How do I explain this to her?
One of my best friends is getting married new years eve this year and I am a bridesmaid. Already I have spent 300$ on the dress and shoes, and that alone is a hell of a lot of money for me. But there is more to come. I still am expected to pay for:
- hair and makeup the day of
- transport to the wedding (no car, so it'll be a 100$ bus ticket)
- paying for a hotel for myself the night of the wedding
- a wedding gift
- supplies for decorating her bridal suite (my assigned bridesmaid task)
Plus I got a message from her this morning that she wants me to supply nicer sheets for her bridal suite because the ones the hotel provide aren't "pretty enough". if the bed is a king size, which it probably is, I would have to purchase a set because no one I know has king size sheets I could borrow.
Basically, her wedding is stressing me out more than it is probably stressing her out. I want to make her wedding day as lovely and wonderful as possible, but does it have to mean costing me a thousand dollars when I am already in debt on my own? I have credit card debt and a student loan, and my salary gives me JUST enough money to pay to live and pay bills and leaves me with very little disposable income. How do I explain, without seeming super cheap and selfish because I am ruining her special day (which is kinda how she might see it), that I can't afford to do all these things? I do want to be involved in her wedding, and it isn't that I want to back out of all bridesmaid responsabilities, because if I did the cost would fall on the other two and both of them are no better off then I am. I know another of the bridesmaids is currently unemployed because she is taking care of her mother as she undergoes cancer treatment, AND she just became pregnant, so guaranteed money is tight with her too....
Am I being selfish? Should I just suck it up since she is my friend?
I'm also worried that if I DO say something she'll get really upset, freak out, and then start telling everyone to never mind, that she doesn't need her bridal suite decorated, that she doesn't need a bridal shower, that she doesn't need a stagette party, and would people please not bring gifts, etc etc etc. and basically cancel everything and go way overboard, when that wasn't the point.
HELP!
One of my best friends is getting married new years eve this year and I am a bridesmaid. Already I have spent 300$ on the dress and shoes, and that alone is a hell of a lot of money for me. But there is more to come. I still am expected to pay for:
- hair and makeup the day of
- transport to the wedding (no car, so it'll be a 100$ bus ticket)
- paying for a hotel for myself the night of the wedding
- a wedding gift
- supplies for decorating her bridal suite (my assigned bridesmaid task)
Plus I got a message from her this morning that she wants me to supply nicer sheets for her bridal suite because the ones the hotel provide aren't "pretty enough". if the bed is a king size, which it probably is, I would have to purchase a set because no one I know has king size sheets I could borrow.
Basically, her wedding is stressing me out more than it is probably stressing her out. I want to make her wedding day as lovely and wonderful as possible, but does it have to mean costing me a thousand dollars when I am already in debt on my own? I have credit card debt and a student loan, and my salary gives me JUST enough money to pay to live and pay bills and leaves me with very little disposable income. How do I explain, without seeming super cheap and selfish because I am ruining her special day (which is kinda how she might see it), that I can't afford to do all these things? I do want to be involved in her wedding, and it isn't that I want to back out of all bridesmaid responsabilities, because if I did the cost would fall on the other two and both of them are no better off then I am. I know another of the bridesmaids is currently unemployed because she is taking care of her mother as she undergoes cancer treatment, AND she just became pregnant, so guaranteed money is tight with her too....
Am I being selfish? Should I just suck it up since she is my friend?
I'm also worried that if I DO say something she'll get really upset, freak out, and then start telling everyone to never mind, that she doesn't need her bridal suite decorated, that she doesn't need a bridal shower, that she doesn't need a stagette party, and would people please not bring gifts, etc etc etc. and basically cancel everything and go way overboard, when that wasn't the point.
HELP!
Alternatively, apply for that show Bridezillas, I'm sure they will help sponsor some stuff for you, especially if the bride is as overly dramatic as you just described.
posted by Grither at 4:57 AM on July 15, 2008
posted by Grither at 4:57 AM on July 15, 2008
One of my friends dropped out of my bridal party because of the expense. She offered to host my bachelorette party at her house, which was a really nice gesture, and she and her husband acted as go-fers on the day of the wedding. Maybe if you are just honest and say, "I'm so sorry, I can't afford all of the expenses that go along with being a bridesmaid. Is there anything else I could do to help with your wedding?" she'll understand that this is about money and not about your friendship. Just because the other bridesmaids are willing to go into debt doesn't mean it's a good idea for you.
Also, it sounds like she's being unreasonable. Decorating her suite? Buying new sheets? That's a little over-the-top.
posted by christinetheslp at 4:58 AM on July 15, 2008 [9 favorites]
Also, it sounds like she's being unreasonable. Decorating her suite? Buying new sheets? That's a little over-the-top.
posted by christinetheslp at 4:58 AM on July 15, 2008 [9 favorites]
Your friend sounds a little... unrealistic. She's just your friend, not your daughter, you're not financially obligated to her in any way. Why is she sending you to buy bedsheets for her? If you were decorating her bridal suite as a gift of your own impetus that would make sense, but I can't believe she told you to do it for her - and you agreed.
And it's her wedding; she should pay for hair and makeup of her bridal party (she wants her bridesmaids to look good, right?) and paying for lodging and transport would not be excessive either. It's nice enough of you to foot the cost of that.
Her "special day" is just one day, and it's just a ceremony. There's only as much meaning as she chooses to assign to it. Your debt affects your entire life. Just explain to her that you're broke and you NEED money for things like rent and food, which you can't survive without, and if you had money left over AFTER those essentials, you'd be happy to gift it to her for her wedding - but as it is, you don't. If she's any sort of friend at all, she won't want to put you more into debt and make you struggle to make ends meet just for one fancy night.
posted by Xianny at 5:03 AM on July 15, 2008
And it's her wedding; she should pay for hair and makeup of her bridal party (she wants her bridesmaids to look good, right?) and paying for lodging and transport would not be excessive either. It's nice enough of you to foot the cost of that.
Her "special day" is just one day, and it's just a ceremony. There's only as much meaning as she chooses to assign to it. Your debt affects your entire life. Just explain to her that you're broke and you NEED money for things like rent and food, which you can't survive without, and if you had money left over AFTER those essentials, you'd be happy to gift it to her for her wedding - but as it is, you don't. If she's any sort of friend at all, she won't want to put you more into debt and make you struggle to make ends meet just for one fancy night.
posted by Xianny at 5:03 AM on July 15, 2008
Am I being selfish? Should I just suck it up since she is my friend?
!
Not at all. She is the one being selfish by expecting you to pay for her wedding. My wife and I paid for our bridesmaid's dresses, and everything else that came with that role. Expecting them to pay would never entered our thoughts for a single minute.
If money is tight for her, why on earth should she be expecting that it isn't tight for everyone else around her? Perhaps it would be a good thing if she cut back on the stagette party, the bridal suite decorations, the flowers, the bridal shower and all the rest of the ridiculous over-consumption that seems to go with the image of the 'modern wedding'.
Find a quiet time and sit down for a private talk. Explain to her that (given that you're already in debt) the money she's asking you to spend will end up costing you far more than the up front cost in interest charges. If she's really your friend, then she'll understand, and maybe between you you'll be able to come up with something that will get her what she wants without saddling those around her with ludicrous expenses.
posted by pharm at 5:05 AM on July 15, 2008 [1 favorite]
!
Not at all. She is the one being selfish by expecting you to pay for her wedding. My wife and I paid for our bridesmaid's dresses, and everything else that came with that role. Expecting them to pay would never entered our thoughts for a single minute.
If money is tight for her, why on earth should she be expecting that it isn't tight for everyone else around her? Perhaps it would be a good thing if she cut back on the stagette party, the bridal suite decorations, the flowers, the bridal shower and all the rest of the ridiculous over-consumption that seems to go with the image of the 'modern wedding'.
Find a quiet time and sit down for a private talk. Explain to her that (given that you're already in debt) the money she's asking you to spend will end up costing you far more than the up front cost in interest charges. If she's really your friend, then she'll understand, and maybe between you you'll be able to come up with something that will get her what she wants without saddling those around her with ludicrous expenses.
posted by pharm at 5:05 AM on July 15, 2008 [1 favorite]
Script (to make it all about you):
"Hey girlfriend, those sample napkins you sent me were really pretty. Speaking of wedding stuff, I wanted to chat with you. I am super excited for you and man. He is so great and I can't imagine a better person for you. And because of that and because we've been friends for so long, I quickly accepted when you asked me to be a bridesmaid. But what I wanna talk about now has been really stressing me out. I probably accepted too quickly. I didn't really explain to you how tough things are for me financially and in the excitement, it didn't cross my mind to say anything. Plus, when I was in my cousin's wedding 2 years ago, it only cost me about $120 for my dress and $50 for my shoes. Now with those great BRAND dresses and shoes, I am already WAY over my budget. I am also stressing big time about getting out to YOUR TOWN and staying at a hotel and all the extras that are bound to come up, on top of the hair and makeup stuff. I don't know about girlfriend2 and girlfriend3, but I know that for me, this is way way way beyond what I can afford. So, with all that being said, I want to ask you what you think: is there another role for me in the wedding, like as a helper but not a bridesmaid or is there a way that we can cut down on the costs, like maybe having girlfriend4 do the bridesmaids' stuff and having all us bridesmaids stay at your auntie's house? Cause right now, I just don't see how I can make this work. Again, I am super torn up about this."
posted by k8t at 5:09 AM on July 15, 2008 [11 favorites]
"Hey girlfriend, those sample napkins you sent me were really pretty. Speaking of wedding stuff, I wanted to chat with you. I am super excited for you and man. He is so great and I can't imagine a better person for you. And because of that and because we've been friends for so long, I quickly accepted when you asked me to be a bridesmaid. But what I wanna talk about now has been really stressing me out. I probably accepted too quickly. I didn't really explain to you how tough things are for me financially and in the excitement, it didn't cross my mind to say anything. Plus, when I was in my cousin's wedding 2 years ago, it only cost me about $120 for my dress and $50 for my shoes. Now with those great BRAND dresses and shoes, I am already WAY over my budget. I am also stressing big time about getting out to YOUR TOWN and staying at a hotel and all the extras that are bound to come up, on top of the hair and makeup stuff. I don't know about girlfriend2 and girlfriend3, but I know that for me, this is way way way beyond what I can afford. So, with all that being said, I want to ask you what you think: is there another role for me in the wedding, like as a helper but not a bridesmaid or is there a way that we can cut down on the costs, like maybe having girlfriend4 do the bridesmaids' stuff and having all us bridesmaids stay at your auntie's house? Cause right now, I just don't see how I can make this work. Again, I am super torn up about this."
posted by k8t at 5:09 AM on July 15, 2008 [11 favorites]
I was in a similar position to you once, except I was in the grooms party. Other than that, yep, I relate. I was poor, a dear friends wedding was coming up and I wasn't quite sure how to explain I couldn't afford all the things I would need to afford.
In the end I realised that this person was my friend, and I explained the situation as calmly and as rationally as I could. I told them I wanted to be involved, but was having trouble making ends meet, let alone paying for a tux and everything else. My friend and his bride to be were very understanding about it all and paid for me because they wanted me to be involved, and a loose agreement that I would pay them back some time in the future.
The advice here is that if this person is your friend, they should understand and either help you out as my friends did, or perhaps in the worst case scenario ask you to make way for someone else. The absolute worst case scenario is she will do as you fear (get upset, freak out etc), but if she does that then she's probably no friend at all.
Case in point; my fiancee and I are getting married in October next year, and we're fully conscious that not everyone we've asked to be involved in the grooms party and the bridal party will be able to pay for the extravagant things that my fiancee wants (me, I just show up and say the lines). I'm more well off now than I was back when my friend got married, so we'll be understanding and help out any friend who needs help being involved. The way we see it, it's our special day, but it won't be very special at all if any of our friends aren't involved, or worse still, if we alienated our friends over something as dirty as money.
So tying that back to your predicament, if she does get upset and freak out because your financial situation doesn't allow you to pay for a portion of her special day, ask yourself if you really want to be involved in the first place because she's probably no friend at all.
posted by Effigy2000 at 5:10 AM on July 15, 2008 [2 favorites]
In the end I realised that this person was my friend, and I explained the situation as calmly and as rationally as I could. I told them I wanted to be involved, but was having trouble making ends meet, let alone paying for a tux and everything else. My friend and his bride to be were very understanding about it all and paid for me because they wanted me to be involved, and a loose agreement that I would pay them back some time in the future.
The advice here is that if this person is your friend, they should understand and either help you out as my friends did, or perhaps in the worst case scenario ask you to make way for someone else. The absolute worst case scenario is she will do as you fear (get upset, freak out etc), but if she does that then she's probably no friend at all.
Case in point; my fiancee and I are getting married in October next year, and we're fully conscious that not everyone we've asked to be involved in the grooms party and the bridal party will be able to pay for the extravagant things that my fiancee wants (me, I just show up and say the lines). I'm more well off now than I was back when my friend got married, so we'll be understanding and help out any friend who needs help being involved. The way we see it, it's our special day, but it won't be very special at all if any of our friends aren't involved, or worse still, if we alienated our friends over something as dirty as money.
So tying that back to your predicament, if she does get upset and freak out because your financial situation doesn't allow you to pay for a portion of her special day, ask yourself if you really want to be involved in the first place because she's probably no friend at all.
posted by Effigy2000 at 5:10 AM on July 15, 2008 [2 favorites]
Are you serious???? She wants her friends to pay to "decorate the bridal suite"??? This is your "assigned task"? Has she suddenly become some sort of royalty or head of state? And you say this is one of your best friends? I'm sorry but I would NEVER treat my friends like that. My friends were GUESTS at my wedding, not co-sponsors. Having you buy better sheets for her bridal suite is so over the top, I can't even deal with that one.
Let me say it again: This is not how friends treat friends. Your best option now is to bow out by saying, "I can't afford this. I adore you and want to be there to help celebrate the start of your new life with Jim but I just don't have the money to spend on all these things you're asking of me. I'm not going to be able to be your bridesmaid."
If she throws a fit, then walk away and tell her you'll talk again when she's had a chance to calm down. That's what I do when my toddler has a tantrum.
GEEZ.
posted by Kangaroo at 5:12 AM on July 15, 2008 [6 favorites]
Let me say it again: This is not how friends treat friends. Your best option now is to bow out by saying, "I can't afford this. I adore you and want to be there to help celebrate the start of your new life with Jim but I just don't have the money to spend on all these things you're asking of me. I'm not going to be able to be your bridesmaid."
If she throws a fit, then walk away and tell her you'll talk again when she's had a chance to calm down. That's what I do when my toddler has a tantrum.
GEEZ.
posted by Kangaroo at 5:12 AM on July 15, 2008 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: Man! Speedy responses!
First, I can't drop out. My dress and shoes are already ordered and paid for, so I'm committed as far as that goes. And the other reality is that I sincerely want to be part of the bridal party and want to be a bridesmaid.
if she does get upset and freak out because your financial situation doesn't allow you to pay for a portion of her special day, ask yourself if you really want to be involved in the first place because she's probably no friend at all.
*sigh* she would freak out, no question. She would cry and be really really upset. She doesn't have the best coping skills in the world (which she comes by honestly by having an extremely dysfunctional and emotionally abusive father) so she doesn't do it to be manipulative and passive aggressive. She just doesn't know any other way. I wouldn't be willing to call it quits on the friendship because she handled it badly. :(
posted by gwenlister at 5:21 AM on July 15, 2008
First, I can't drop out. My dress and shoes are already ordered and paid for, so I'm committed as far as that goes. And the other reality is that I sincerely want to be part of the bridal party and want to be a bridesmaid.
if she does get upset and freak out because your financial situation doesn't allow you to pay for a portion of her special day, ask yourself if you really want to be involved in the first place because she's probably no friend at all.
*sigh* she would freak out, no question. She would cry and be really really upset. She doesn't have the best coping skills in the world (which she comes by honestly by having an extremely dysfunctional and emotionally abusive father) so she doesn't do it to be manipulative and passive aggressive. She just doesn't know any other way. I wouldn't be willing to call it quits on the friendship because she handled it badly. :(
posted by gwenlister at 5:21 AM on July 15, 2008
Just be honest and to the point. Also, on a totally selfish note, I was the maid of honor for my former roommate's wedding about eight months after college, I was still trying to get established with a job, finances, etc, and after the hen party ($500+), the dress ($300), shoes (we all had to get the same, ugly and uncomfortable shoes, $70) I told her that I didn't have money for makeup/hair (ended up getting hair anyway, and it was so bad that I started crying, so I went to Macy's and got a makeover for the price of one mascara) or even money for their wedding gift, plain and simple. My friend was also a Bridezilla, but I reminded her that I was spending almost $1000 on the wedding, whereas her mother-in-law was paying, 100%, for the wedding, so she didn't understand the real hit to the wallet. She understood, and surprisingly, acted a lot less Bridezillay after that point.
posted by banannafish at 5:21 AM on July 15, 2008
posted by banannafish at 5:21 AM on July 15, 2008
Unless she's staying at a Super 8 Motel, the sheets are good enough. Prettier sheets? That's pretty ridiculous.
posted by ruwan at 5:22 AM on July 15, 2008
posted by ruwan at 5:22 AM on July 15, 2008
If you want to be in it, you're gonna have to get a credit card to cover it. Abusive dad or not, this is not the way to treat friends.
posted by k8t at 5:23 AM on July 15, 2008
posted by k8t at 5:23 AM on July 15, 2008
Please tell me that you just felt like trolling the forum today. I can't imagine treating any of my attendants like that - my husband and I paid for dresses, tuxes, and hotels for our wedding party, including our parents. I say this with a certain smugness of course, but the point is that these people were and still are special enough to us to be part of our ceremony, and that meant enough to us that we did not want money to be an issue.
To answer your question: No, you do not have to go into debt over your friend's wedding. You can bow out. If she does wig out - to be perfectly honest, maybe she needs to do that so she can calm down and start being reasonably - then cross your fingers and hope she deals with it like a grown up, rather than the girl she appears to be acting as. But do know that she's making some unreasonable demands.
posted by universal_qlc at 5:25 AM on July 15, 2008
To answer your question: No, you do not have to go into debt over your friend's wedding. You can bow out. If she does wig out - to be perfectly honest, maybe she needs to do that so she can calm down and start being reasonably - then cross your fingers and hope she deals with it like a grown up, rather than the girl she appears to be acting as. But do know that she's making some unreasonable demands.
posted by universal_qlc at 5:25 AM on July 15, 2008
The "nicer sheets" demand (yes, it's a demand, not a request) is really over the top and should be reason alone for you to drop out.
Your question is, "how do I explain this to her". Since she seems to be communicating with you by email, compose a rational email explaining, just as you've explained to us, what the problem is. Wait 24 hours before sending, and read it several times during that time to weed out any kind of inflammatory statement; just have it explain very simply that (a) some of what's needed is beyond your ability to pay for, (b) you can handle the following (list dress already purchased, travel, whatever you're willing to foot the bill for), and (c) to please let you know if that's OK, or whether she would rather have you come simply as a guest. Important: STOP the message after that last question, don't go on with apologies, etc. Or if you choose to do this on the phone, same thing -- stop after the question and let her respond.
posted by beagle at 5:25 AM on July 15, 2008
Your question is, "how do I explain this to her". Since she seems to be communicating with you by email, compose a rational email explaining, just as you've explained to us, what the problem is. Wait 24 hours before sending, and read it several times during that time to weed out any kind of inflammatory statement; just have it explain very simply that (a) some of what's needed is beyond your ability to pay for, (b) you can handle the following (list dress already purchased, travel, whatever you're willing to foot the bill for), and (c) to please let you know if that's OK, or whether she would rather have you come simply as a guest. Important: STOP the message after that last question, don't go on with apologies, etc. Or if you choose to do this on the phone, same thing -- stop after the question and let her respond.
posted by beagle at 5:25 AM on July 15, 2008
The sheets in the suite aren't good enough for her delicate little heinie? Man, that's over the top. You're not being selfish, she is.
For my upcoming wedding, I offered to cover the groomsmen's tuxes embellishments (they already have tuxes), and they we *almost* taken aback - as in, that's something they ought to cover. And we're all getting barbershop shaves the morning of the ceremony. But demanding this or that from your wedding party is just plain fucking crass.
posted by notsnot at 5:27 AM on July 15, 2008
For my upcoming wedding, I offered to cover the groomsmen's tuxes embellishments (they already have tuxes), and they we *almost* taken aback - as in, that's something they ought to cover. And we're all getting barbershop shaves the morning of the ceremony. But demanding this or that from your wedding party is just plain fucking crass.
posted by notsnot at 5:27 AM on July 15, 2008
You know, I would have loved to have a big wedding with a band and an open bar and bridesmaids and groomsmen and the whole shebang. But I couldn't afford it, so I got married in my parent's garden and had a barbecue afterwards. It was beautiful and fun, everyone said it was the best wedding they'd ever been to.
It sounds like, instead of staying within her budget, your friend is trying to make other people pay for the party. If she's asking you to buy sheets (seriously?), there's no telling what she's asking other people to do. Just because it's 'normal' by the entitled, spoiled princess standards of the modern industrial wedding complex doesn't mean it's right, and it certainly doesn't mean that you should feel AT ALL guilty about refusing to take part. Tell her what you can afford, offer her any non-financial assistance you're willing to give, and be gracious if she decides to replace you. If you like the dress, keep it, if not, offer to sell it to your replacement. Give her a 25% discount if you're feeling generous.
On preview, reading your response, I realise you are much more tender-hearted than I am. Maybe you can work with the other bridesmaids to cut costs without getting the bride involved. Go in together on a double room, share beds and/or crash on the floor, buy the sheets on clearance at target (she won't know the difference, trust me). When my friend got married, we covered the bed in the bridal suite with flower petals from the flower arrangements on the tables. Pretty and free! In the long run, though, it would be better to show your friend that she can't manipulate and take advantage of people. I know lots of people with abusive dads who don't act like that, it's no excuse.
posted by F.Jasmine Addams at 5:29 AM on July 15, 2008 [2 favorites]
It sounds like, instead of staying within her budget, your friend is trying to make other people pay for the party. If she's asking you to buy sheets (seriously?), there's no telling what she's asking other people to do. Just because it's 'normal' by the entitled, spoiled princess standards of the modern industrial wedding complex doesn't mean it's right, and it certainly doesn't mean that you should feel AT ALL guilty about refusing to take part. Tell her what you can afford, offer her any non-financial assistance you're willing to give, and be gracious if she decides to replace you. If you like the dress, keep it, if not, offer to sell it to your replacement. Give her a 25% discount if you're feeling generous.
On preview, reading your response, I realise you are much more tender-hearted than I am. Maybe you can work with the other bridesmaids to cut costs without getting the bride involved. Go in together on a double room, share beds and/or crash on the floor, buy the sheets on clearance at target (she won't know the difference, trust me). When my friend got married, we covered the bed in the bridal suite with flower petals from the flower arrangements on the tables. Pretty and free! In the long run, though, it would be better to show your friend that she can't manipulate and take advantage of people. I know lots of people with abusive dads who don't act like that, it's no excuse.
posted by F.Jasmine Addams at 5:29 AM on July 15, 2008 [2 favorites]
You already have the dress and shoes (can you return them?) so you might as well see if you can work through this, rather than just dropping out.
If she's a really good friend she'll understand when you mention that you need to work through some money issues, and she'll try to be helpful when you tell her you'll be doing your own hair and makeup, and wonder if you can share a hotel room with one of the other bridesmaids.
She will also understand when you tell her you've been looking for pretty sheets and found some great ones and that you need her credit card number so you can order them.
For decorating her hotel room (?!) I'd think you could re-use some of the flowers from the reception and snag a bottle of champagne from the caterers. The hotel will have an ice bucket and glasses.
posted by idest at 5:29 AM on July 15, 2008 [3 favorites]
If she's a really good friend she'll understand when you mention that you need to work through some money issues, and she'll try to be helpful when you tell her you'll be doing your own hair and makeup, and wonder if you can share a hotel room with one of the other bridesmaids.
She will also understand when you tell her you've been looking for pretty sheets and found some great ones and that you need her credit card number so you can order them.
For decorating her hotel room (?!) I'd think you could re-use some of the flowers from the reception and snag a bottle of champagne from the caterers. The hotel will have an ice bucket and glasses.
posted by idest at 5:29 AM on July 15, 2008 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Unless she's staying at a Super 8 Motel, the sheets are good enough.
They are actually staying at a pretty mediocre/crappy hotel where the reception is being held as they are getting married in a small town and it was the only choice. The bedsheets at a super 8 might be better frankly. :S
Please tell me that you just felt like trolling the forum today.
Sadly, no. This is totally legit.
posted by gwenlister at 5:31 AM on July 15, 2008
They are actually staying at a pretty mediocre/crappy hotel where the reception is being held as they are getting married in a small town and it was the only choice. The bedsheets at a super 8 might be better frankly. :S
Please tell me that you just felt like trolling the forum today.
Sadly, no. This is totally legit.
posted by gwenlister at 5:31 AM on July 15, 2008
Okay, so if you're not bowing out - which I maintain is still an option - and she's prone to freakout, sit her down on a normal day, just the two of you, and discuss the costs you are incurring. Let her know your budget, and be gentle, but be firm. Ask her if any of the guests will proclaim it to be a really ugly day if your hair and makeup is not lockstep uniform with the other bridesmaids'. Do not budge, do not give an inch to her Bridezilla complex. Be her friend - help her be reasonable.
posted by universal_qlc at 5:32 AM on July 15, 2008
posted by universal_qlc at 5:32 AM on July 15, 2008
Is this normal for American weddings? Never heard of anything like it in terms of responsibilities/costs in the UK
posted by A189Nut at 5:32 AM on July 15, 2008
posted by A189Nut at 5:32 AM on July 15, 2008
Your friends emotional response is not your responsibility.
You're playing a game of "yes, but" with yourself (and with us to some extent), for every logical, reasonable answer you get, you say "Yes, but...." and discount it.
If you can't afford it, tell her, if she's so frigging childish that she melts down or explodes, let her therapist deal with it (and it might be a wakeup call for the husband to be!). You've already stopped enjoying this event (and the friendship) why go through with this for another 6 months!
Or...just get a loan to cover the costs and let go of it!
posted by HuronBob at 5:41 AM on July 15, 2008 [1 favorite]
You're playing a game of "yes, but" with yourself (and with us to some extent), for every logical, reasonable answer you get, you say "Yes, but...." and discount it.
If you can't afford it, tell her, if she's so frigging childish that she melts down or explodes, let her therapist deal with it (and it might be a wakeup call for the husband to be!). You've already stopped enjoying this event (and the friendship) why go through with this for another 6 months!
Or...just get a loan to cover the costs and let go of it!
posted by HuronBob at 5:41 AM on July 15, 2008 [1 favorite]
Yes, you must go in debt to pay for the party your friend invited you to. That is, you must if you insist that you cannot drop out, you want to do all the things (and pay for all the things) she's asked you to do and pay for, and you will not tell her that you simply cannot afford this because she does not have good coping skills and will cry and be upset.
Seriously, if she is OK with asking you to buy sheets for her hotel room, why would she not be OK with you saying no?
posted by Houstonian at 5:46 AM on July 15, 2008
Seriously, if she is OK with asking you to buy sheets for her hotel room, why would she not be OK with you saying no?
posted by Houstonian at 5:46 AM on July 15, 2008
- hair and makeup the day of
- transport to the wedding (no car, so it'll be a 100$ bus ticket)
- paying for a hotel for myself the night of the wedding
- a wedding gift
- supplies for decorating her bridal suite (my assigned bridesmaid task)
Insist on doing your own hair and makeup.
See if you can get a ride with someone (give them some gas money for it).
Find out if there's anyone in town you can crash with (give that person a bottle of wine or something similar as a hostess gift).
Do get your friend a wedding gift, but don't go all out on it. $40 or $50 will do.
Tell your friend you cannot afford to buy the sheets. And either say you can't afford to decorate the suite or keep it simple - just get an arrangement of flowers and some chocolates, a good yet inexpensive bottle of wine, and a cute framed picture of the bride and groom or some other such personal touch for $30 or so total.
As you can tell, all these things still will cost something, but they'll keep costs down considerably.
Being in a wedding is expensive and you can refuse the honour gracefully on the grounds of expense, distance, or time contstraints. Since you've decided to commit yourself, you will need to be prepared to go to some expense but you certainly have the right to limit those expenses so far as you reasonably can. People in this thread have made a number of good suggestions on how to talk to your friend about this.
And there's a website called www.etiquettehell.com which you might enjoy. The best section is the wedding section. Lots of stories on there quite a bit worse than this. And as you'll see if you read it, it's really important not to set some limits on what you'll do for a friend even on "her special day". It's just one day and throwing money at an event doesn't make it special — kindness, effort, and forethought do.
posted by orange swan at 5:51 AM on July 15, 2008 [4 favorites]
- transport to the wedding (no car, so it'll be a 100$ bus ticket)
- paying for a hotel for myself the night of the wedding
- a wedding gift
- supplies for decorating her bridal suite (my assigned bridesmaid task)
Insist on doing your own hair and makeup.
See if you can get a ride with someone (give them some gas money for it).
Find out if there's anyone in town you can crash with (give that person a bottle of wine or something similar as a hostess gift).
Do get your friend a wedding gift, but don't go all out on it. $40 or $50 will do.
Tell your friend you cannot afford to buy the sheets. And either say you can't afford to decorate the suite or keep it simple - just get an arrangement of flowers and some chocolates, a good yet inexpensive bottle of wine, and a cute framed picture of the bride and groom or some other such personal touch for $30 or so total.
As you can tell, all these things still will cost something, but they'll keep costs down considerably.
Being in a wedding is expensive and you can refuse the honour gracefully on the grounds of expense, distance, or time contstraints. Since you've decided to commit yourself, you will need to be prepared to go to some expense but you certainly have the right to limit those expenses so far as you reasonably can. People in this thread have made a number of good suggestions on how to talk to your friend about this.
And there's a website called www.etiquettehell.com which you might enjoy. The best section is the wedding section. Lots of stories on there quite a bit worse than this. And as you'll see if you read it, it's really important not to set some limits on what you'll do for a friend even on "her special day". It's just one day and throwing money at an event doesn't make it special — kindness, effort, and forethought do.
posted by orange swan at 5:51 AM on July 15, 2008 [4 favorites]
Gwenlister is Canadian.
posted by Houstonian at 5:52 AM on July 15, 2008
posted by Houstonian at 5:52 AM on July 15, 2008
it's really important not to set some limits
It's really important TO set some limits
posted by orange swan at 5:54 AM on July 15, 2008
It's really important TO set some limits
posted by orange swan at 5:54 AM on July 15, 2008
Our (re)wedding is in August, and I've tried to keep costs at a minimum to my bridesmaids. Dresses/shoes are not cheap, nor is getting hair/makeup done.. and I shopped around to find the most reasonable expenses, picked dresses that could easily be used again, and not shoved in their closets for five years before they finally toss em.
My bridesmaids are fine with the costs associated with those items, not to mention, like Effigy2000 mentioned above, we are understanding and able to help out where needed when it comes to the party since, well, these are our friends, and their presence/involvement is more important to us than the money involved if they cannot afford to pay for something.
That being said, I wouldn't have the nerve to expect members of my bridal party to cover any portion of the wedding, honeymoon suite, or decorations thereof, since we're already asking enough of them.
She shouldn't be expecting you to cover these things out of pocket. I like idest's idea to ask her for her credit card number to order the sheets.
An aside, too... I don't have the most functional family either, and the last few months have wreaked havoc on my coping skills, but that doesn't give me the right to go Bridezilla on a friend when she's honest with me about expenses she can't afford. Hopefully she won't be as unreasonable as you think.
Good luck.
posted by irishkitten at 5:56 AM on July 15, 2008
My bridesmaids are fine with the costs associated with those items, not to mention, like Effigy2000 mentioned above, we are understanding and able to help out where needed when it comes to the party since, well, these are our friends, and their presence/involvement is more important to us than the money involved if they cannot afford to pay for something.
That being said, I wouldn't have the nerve to expect members of my bridal party to cover any portion of the wedding, honeymoon suite, or decorations thereof, since we're already asking enough of them.
She shouldn't be expecting you to cover these things out of pocket. I like idest's idea to ask her for her credit card number to order the sheets.
An aside, too... I don't have the most functional family either, and the last few months have wreaked havoc on my coping skills, but that doesn't give me the right to go Bridezilla on a friend when she's honest with me about expenses she can't afford. Hopefully she won't be as unreasonable as you think.
Good luck.
posted by irishkitten at 5:56 AM on July 15, 2008
This doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing proposition. You don't have to drop out altogether - just make it clear what you will and won't do, and what you've done already.
"Yes, I'd love to be your bridesmaid! Thank you so much for offering."
but:
"I've run some numbers and I can't handle the room side of things. With my dress, hair, make-up, travel and accommodation, there's just nothing left in the bank. I know your family will understand there there's just no way I can afford it on my own." Be firm - if she screams, just shrug and say "There's nothing I can do." Don't apologise.
or, if you're getting desperate:
"The sheets and room decorations are a great idea - I think they'll make a perfect wedding present from me." (Scratch one expense. Room decorations are tea candles around the room, bubble bath in the bathroom and rose petals on the bed. Then catch the bus home after the wedding is over to save on the hotel.)
As an aside, I've noticed this sort of thing happening more and more in Australia too. "Kevin and Shazza are so happy you'll be coming to their wedding, which they've decided will be in Bali. No presents, thanks - just you and your partner coming will be enough. Return airfares are $1500, the resort where we're all staying is $300 a night, and the wedding will take place over three days in the middle of the week. Gents must wear this Gucci suit in desert clay, and ladies must wear this dress in aubergine. Ciao!" PAY FOR IT YOURSELF, PEOPLE, OR DO WITHOUT.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 6:06 AM on July 15, 2008 [2 favorites]
"Yes, I'd love to be your bridesmaid! Thank you so much for offering."
but:
"I've run some numbers and I can't handle the room side of things. With my dress, hair, make-up, travel and accommodation, there's just nothing left in the bank. I know your family will understand there there's just no way I can afford it on my own." Be firm - if she screams, just shrug and say "There's nothing I can do." Don't apologise.
or, if you're getting desperate:
"The sheets and room decorations are a great idea - I think they'll make a perfect wedding present from me." (Scratch one expense. Room decorations are tea candles around the room, bubble bath in the bathroom and rose petals on the bed. Then catch the bus home after the wedding is over to save on the hotel.)
As an aside, I've noticed this sort of thing happening more and more in Australia too. "Kevin and Shazza are so happy you'll be coming to their wedding, which they've decided will be in Bali. No presents, thanks - just you and your partner coming will be enough. Return airfares are $1500, the resort where we're all staying is $300 a night, and the wedding will take place over three days in the middle of the week. Gents must wear this Gucci suit in desert clay, and ladies must wear this dress in aubergine. Ciao!" PAY FOR IT YOURSELF, PEOPLE, OR DO WITHOUT.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 6:06 AM on July 15, 2008 [2 favorites]
Decorating their suite? Buying sheets? That's totally nuts.
posted by onhazier at 6:23 AM on July 15, 2008
posted by onhazier at 6:23 AM on July 15, 2008
First, I can't drop out. My dress and shoes are already ordered and paid for, so I'm committed as far as that goes.
The only thing this commits you to is one dress and two shoes. If the order cannot be canceled (and in the wedding industry that wouldn't surprise me), you can eBay them to get some of your money back.
And the other reality is that I sincerely want to be part of the bridal party and want to be a bridesmaid.
That is completely understandable. She is your friend and you care for her. However, it does sound like your friend has a serious case of Pretty Pretty Princess On My Speshul Day. If you go through with being a bridesmaid under her currentdemands plans, you may end up holding this against her for a long, long time, and that's not good for your friendship.
I hope you can find an arrangement that works for you.
posted by shiny blue object at 6:25 AM on July 15, 2008 [1 favorite]
The only thing this commits you to is one dress and two shoes. If the order cannot be canceled (and in the wedding industry that wouldn't surprise me), you can eBay them to get some of your money back.
And the other reality is that I sincerely want to be part of the bridal party and want to be a bridesmaid.
That is completely understandable. She is your friend and you care for her. However, it does sound like your friend has a serious case of Pretty Pretty Princess On My Speshul Day. If you go through with being a bridesmaid under her current
I hope you can find an arrangement that works for you.
posted by shiny blue object at 6:25 AM on July 15, 2008 [1 favorite]
At my site, a reader recently asked a similar question, though his predicament was on a smaller scale. There are 140 responses to his dilemma. Some of them may be relevant to you...
posted by jdroth at 6:31 AM on July 15, 2008
posted by jdroth at 6:31 AM on July 15, 2008
I agree with everyone else that the sheets thing is nuts. Also, unless she is willing to pay, you should be able to do your own hair and makeup.
It sounds like you're afraid of your friend and how she may react. It's not your problem she has poor coping skills and is irrational. If you tell her in the most kind and delicate way possible that this is getting all too much and she still pouts and flies off that handle, well that's unfortunate, but nothing you should feel bad about. You'll gain more respect by being honest with her and standing your ground.
That being said. If you're too intimidated by your friend and can't confront the situation. Go to Amazon.com and buy one of those 400-ct. sheet sets for 29.99 and don't complain.
I can't see how a considerate, mature person wouldn't be hyper-aware of their attendants' budgets. If anything she should be making an effort of cutting costs and not expecting you to shell out a lot of money. She sounds like a precious little princess.
posted by LoriFLA at 6:33 AM on July 15, 2008
It sounds like you're afraid of your friend and how she may react. It's not your problem she has poor coping skills and is irrational. If you tell her in the most kind and delicate way possible that this is getting all too much and she still pouts and flies off that handle, well that's unfortunate, but nothing you should feel bad about. You'll gain more respect by being honest with her and standing your ground.
That being said. If you're too intimidated by your friend and can't confront the situation. Go to Amazon.com and buy one of those 400-ct. sheet sets for 29.99 and don't complain.
I can't see how a considerate, mature person wouldn't be hyper-aware of their attendants' budgets. If anything she should be making an effort of cutting costs and not expecting you to shell out a lot of money. She sounds like a precious little princess.
posted by LoriFLA at 6:33 AM on July 15, 2008
Someone who freaks out and then gets whatever they want is never going to learn to not freak out. You are doing her a disservice by letting her hold you emotionally hostage. I don't care what her past is or why she is the way she is. Her past is no excuse for her future. She's old enough to get married? Then she's old enough to act like an adult.
You're old enough to act like an adult too by saying no, loud and clear.
posted by desjardins at 6:36 AM on July 15, 2008 [12 favorites]
You're old enough to act like an adult too by saying no, loud and clear.
posted by desjardins at 6:36 AM on July 15, 2008 [12 favorites]
gwenlister, you wrote:
She doesn't have the best coping skills in the world (which she comes by honestly by having an extremely dysfunctional and emotionally abusive father) so she doesn't do it to be manipulative and passive aggressive. She just doesn't know any other way. I wouldn't be willing to call it quits on the friendship because she handled it badly. :(
NONE of this is your problem, nor your fault. You are enabling her, justifying her irrational and damaging behavior with these excuses.
Let's forget about your friend for a moment. You show some pretty strong tendencies of codependency, or at least some serious problems standing up for yourself (IANAT). Discuss these problems with your therapist... it can make all the difference in the world to get a good one.
Best of luck.
posted by IAmBroom at 6:42 AM on July 15, 2008 [1 favorite]
She doesn't have the best coping skills in the world (which she comes by honestly by having an extremely dysfunctional and emotionally abusive father) so she doesn't do it to be manipulative and passive aggressive. She just doesn't know any other way. I wouldn't be willing to call it quits on the friendship because she handled it badly. :(
NONE of this is your problem, nor your fault. You are enabling her, justifying her irrational and damaging behavior with these excuses.
Let's forget about your friend for a moment. You show some pretty strong tendencies of codependency, or at least some serious problems standing up for yourself (IANAT). Discuss these problems with your therapist... it can make all the difference in the world to get a good one.
Best of luck.
posted by IAmBroom at 6:42 AM on July 15, 2008 [1 favorite]
It seems like you won't win either way. Based on your responses, you'll end up incurring the costs of this wedding anyway because a) you want to be a bridesmaid and b) your unreasonable friend will freak out if you confront her. If that's the case, perhaps a better question would be, "I'm about to incur an unexpected debt, how should I cope?" I don't know. It seems like you don't have many options here. Chalk it up to an unfair life lesson, save your money, and take lots of food from the reception.
posted by girlmightlive at 6:44 AM on July 15, 2008
posted by girlmightlive at 6:44 AM on July 15, 2008
Talk to the other bridesmaids about this if they're friends of yours as well as the bride.
If they're not coping financially either, come up with solutions that'll help all of you -- like doing your own hair and makeup, the three of you all sharing the same hotel suite (or the three of you staying with whatever relative any of the three of you can scrounge up, even better), the three of you combing your known friends and relatives for someone with a king sized bed, the three of you drumming up borrowed decor for their hotel room (make sure they're aware it's borrowed and has to go back) or finding it at thrift stores (vases, champagne glasses) or dollar stores (candles).
Of course, if you're looking to the other bridesmaids to help you with your assigned task, you'll have to help them with their assigned tasks. What ridiculous and expensive things have they been 'assigned' that you can help come up with less expensive solutions for?
posted by jacquilynne at 6:52 AM on July 15, 2008
If they're not coping financially either, come up with solutions that'll help all of you -- like doing your own hair and makeup, the three of you all sharing the same hotel suite (or the three of you staying with whatever relative any of the three of you can scrounge up, even better), the three of you combing your known friends and relatives for someone with a king sized bed, the three of you drumming up borrowed decor for their hotel room (make sure they're aware it's borrowed and has to go back) or finding it at thrift stores (vases, champagne glasses) or dollar stores (candles).
Of course, if you're looking to the other bridesmaids to help you with your assigned task, you'll have to help them with their assigned tasks. What ridiculous and expensive things have they been 'assigned' that you can help come up with less expensive solutions for?
posted by jacquilynne at 6:52 AM on July 15, 2008
Ok, none of this sounds like fun, and I can't imagine ever requiring any of these obligations for my wedding (I got married in grad school surrounded by my fellow starving students, so many of my wedding gifts came from Archie McPhee) but here's my idea regarding the sheets:
--Get together with the rest of the Bridesmaids
--Each of you contribute 10-15 dollars
--Do you have discount stores in Canada like Ross, Marshalls, or TJ Maxx? Or do you have time to order from Overstock.com or a similar place. Both are places to get discontinued or, well, overstocked products from good brands. You should have enough to get King - sized sheets with a decent-thread count and maybe a recognizable brand name.
--Those sheet could do double-duty as the wedding present (although I would warn her about that before hand, maybe in terms of something like this: "Oh we found this amazing set of sheets for your wedding suite. They're super expensive, but I think you'd love them. How about we get them for your wedding present as well? You'd be able to use them for years. Oh, these sheets . . . " Don't quote me here, but you get the idea.
-- If combining the sheets/present isn't an option, is she registered for stemware or other items you can buy singly? You could go into with the other bridesmaids and see if you could get her a set of white wine glasses.
As for decorating the suite, definitely get a bouquet of flowers (you could even be sneaky and reuse some from the ceremony or reception), some chocolates, maybe some reasonably-priced champagne and glasses, and nothing more. Get the other bridesmaids to go in as well.
In fact, maybe one of the first things you should do is organize a bridesmaid meeting to see what other people are doing and if you can combine duties, costs, and travel expenses. Hopefully they are more reasonable that the bride.
Good luck,
posted by bibliowench at 6:56 AM on July 15, 2008
--Get together with the rest of the Bridesmaids
--Each of you contribute 10-15 dollars
--Do you have discount stores in Canada like Ross, Marshalls, or TJ Maxx? Or do you have time to order from Overstock.com or a similar place. Both are places to get discontinued or, well, overstocked products from good brands. You should have enough to get King - sized sheets with a decent-thread count and maybe a recognizable brand name.
--Those sheet could do double-duty as the wedding present (although I would warn her about that before hand, maybe in terms of something like this: "Oh we found this amazing set of sheets for your wedding suite. They're super expensive, but I think you'd love them. How about we get them for your wedding present as well? You'd be able to use them for years. Oh, these sheets . . . " Don't quote me here, but you get the idea.
-- If combining the sheets/present isn't an option, is she registered for stemware or other items you can buy singly? You could go into with the other bridesmaids and see if you could get her a set of white wine glasses.
As for decorating the suite, definitely get a bouquet of flowers (you could even be sneaky and reuse some from the ceremony or reception), some chocolates, maybe some reasonably-priced champagne and glasses, and nothing more. Get the other bridesmaids to go in as well.
In fact, maybe one of the first things you should do is organize a bridesmaid meeting to see what other people are doing and if you can combine duties, costs, and travel expenses. Hopefully they are more reasonable that the bride.
Good luck,
posted by bibliowench at 6:56 AM on July 15, 2008
Everyone here has given pretty much the same, good advice...to which you counter, "well, I can't really do those things". So, yes, you do have to go into debt for your friend's wedding.
posted by the bricabrac man at 7:00 AM on July 15, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by the bricabrac man at 7:00 AM on July 15, 2008 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Let's forget about your friend for a moment. You show some pretty strong tendencies of codependency, or at least some serious problems standing up for yourself (IANAT). Discuss these problems with your therapist... it can make all the difference in the world to get a good one.
hahahahha, oh IAmBroom, that literally made me laugh out loud. If you only knew how very very wrong that was. IANAT is right! hahahahahha! I understand why my initial post and subsequent comments may have made me appear that way, but I'm generally known to be dead opposite to what you just described, to a fault even. The "B" word has been applied to me many a time, and not unfairly on occasion. This friend and I have often gotten into serious arguments because she was being too needy and dependant on ME and I was feeling smothered. She is the very definition of dependence, not me. LOL When I moved to a different city than her I breathed a major sigh of relief that I would only be seeing her maybe once a month, which is much more manageable and our friendship has been better for it. I'm just being as go-with-the-flow-ish as possible with the wedding stuff because I am usually fairly hard on her when she is at all self-indulgent or princessy, but this wedding is about her and her fiance, not me. I want her to have a nice wedding and have it be about her but then no princess stuff afterwards. My tolerance for "me me me" stuff will go right back to where it was before, which was non-existant.
posted by gwenlister at 7:01 AM on July 15, 2008
hahahahha, oh IAmBroom, that literally made me laugh out loud. If you only knew how very very wrong that was. IANAT is right! hahahahahha! I understand why my initial post and subsequent comments may have made me appear that way, but I'm generally known to be dead opposite to what you just described, to a fault even. The "B" word has been applied to me many a time, and not unfairly on occasion. This friend and I have often gotten into serious arguments because she was being too needy and dependant on ME and I was feeling smothered. She is the very definition of dependence, not me. LOL When I moved to a different city than her I breathed a major sigh of relief that I would only be seeing her maybe once a month, which is much more manageable and our friendship has been better for it. I'm just being as go-with-the-flow-ish as possible with the wedding stuff because I am usually fairly hard on her when she is at all self-indulgent or princessy, but this wedding is about her and her fiance, not me. I want her to have a nice wedding and have it be about her but then no princess stuff afterwards. My tolerance for "me me me" stuff will go right back to where it was before, which was non-existant.
posted by gwenlister at 7:01 AM on July 15, 2008
Response by poster: What ridiculous and expensive things have they been 'assigned' that you can help come up with less expensive solutions for?
I believe one has been assigned the bridal shower, and the other has been assigned the stagette.
posted by gwenlister at 7:04 AM on July 15, 2008
I believe one has been assigned the bridal shower, and the other has been assigned the stagette.
posted by gwenlister at 7:04 AM on July 15, 2008
It's not unreasonable to ask bridesmaids to pay for their own dress and shoes.
It's not unreasonable to ask people attending the wedding (wedding party included) to pay for their own travel and lodging.
It's socially expected that people attending the wedding will bring a gift unless something else is asked for.
Anything else is gravy.
You can do your own hair and makeup if you want, you shouldn't feel obligated to spend your own money decorating the bridal suite, and you shouldn't be badgered into doing anything else that you don't want to. You shouldn't have to take on additional debt just because your friend is turning into a Bridezilla.
posted by oaf at 7:09 AM on July 15, 2008
It's not unreasonable to ask people attending the wedding (wedding party included) to pay for their own travel and lodging.
It's socially expected that people attending the wedding will bring a gift unless something else is asked for.
Anything else is gravy.
You can do your own hair and makeup if you want, you shouldn't feel obligated to spend your own money decorating the bridal suite, and you shouldn't be badgered into doing anything else that you don't want to. You shouldn't have to take on additional debt just because your friend is turning into a Bridezilla.
posted by oaf at 7:09 AM on July 15, 2008
Unless they're sleeping on burlap, I'm guessing they're going to be so tired by the end of the night that they won't even notice the "prettiness" of the sheets. Agreeing with the others that this is a ridiculous request.
posted by aclevername at 7:10 AM on July 15, 2008
posted by aclevername at 7:10 AM on July 15, 2008
Here's my two cents as a bride planning a wedding. Most of the stuff is not all that out of line. I mean, I've paid over $1500 to go to at least 4-5 weddings in the past three years that I was not even in. So in terms of transportation, hotel, etc I don't think that's the end of the world - you kind of knew that stuff going in.
As for the dress and shoes, that is also part of the "deal" in being in the wedding party. Some couples are generous and will foot that bill, others do not do so. When you agreed to be a BM, you agreed to those costs. However, she could have been a little more considerate of your financial situation and perhaps chosen a less expensive dress or let you pick out your own shoes (that could have come from Payless or something). As for the gift, maybe you could get her a non-monetary gift, like offer to cook them dinner or make something for their new home?
Finally, the last two items: hair and makeup the day of and supplies for decorating her bridal suite (and the sheets). This is where she has crossed the line, in my opinion. It is not fair to make you pay hundreds of dollars so you look perfect in her wedding. If she wants you to look a certain way hair-wise, she needs to pay for the salon visit. For example, I plan on treating my friends to that expense, or else letting them do their own thing. The sheets are so over the top that I would refuse. Just tell her that you have no way of getting King-size sheets and it just doesn't make sense to buy sheets for one night. If she throws a fit, fine, because seriously, you can't be the only one she is tormenting. You can tell her you are happy to fulfill the traditional duties of dress, etc but you can't really spare the extra cash for things like hair, makeup and sheets. If she freaks out, she's not really a considerate friend, or else she's gone mad. You don't want to hate her when this is done.
I'm also worried that if I DO say something she'll get really upset, freak out, and then start telling everyone to never mind, that she doesn't need her bridal suite decorated, that she doesn't need a bridal shower, that she doesn't need a stagette party, and would people please not bring gifts, etc etc etc. .....
You know what, she doesn't need any of those things. Those are all things that people do for you as a gift, not as an expectation or a task. Maybe it would serve her right. Her wedding is about her marriage, not about her "special special day." It seems like she's lost the purpose of the day and maybe taking away all the crap would be good for her. I mean, this is kind of disgusting to read, and that's from someone currently inside the wedding industrial complex, or whatever the hell they call it, if that gives you any perspective.
On preview: She assigned people to throw her a shower and bachelorette party?! That is repugnant. I am thrilled that people want to host one for me, and I would never dream of assigning it to someone. That is tacky and selfish.
posted by ml98tu at 7:14 AM on July 15, 2008 [1 favorite]
As for the dress and shoes, that is also part of the "deal" in being in the wedding party. Some couples are generous and will foot that bill, others do not do so. When you agreed to be a BM, you agreed to those costs. However, she could have been a little more considerate of your financial situation and perhaps chosen a less expensive dress or let you pick out your own shoes (that could have come from Payless or something). As for the gift, maybe you could get her a non-monetary gift, like offer to cook them dinner or make something for their new home?
Finally, the last two items: hair and makeup the day of and supplies for decorating her bridal suite (and the sheets). This is where she has crossed the line, in my opinion. It is not fair to make you pay hundreds of dollars so you look perfect in her wedding. If she wants you to look a certain way hair-wise, she needs to pay for the salon visit. For example, I plan on treating my friends to that expense, or else letting them do their own thing. The sheets are so over the top that I would refuse. Just tell her that you have no way of getting King-size sheets and it just doesn't make sense to buy sheets for one night. If she throws a fit, fine, because seriously, you can't be the only one she is tormenting. You can tell her you are happy to fulfill the traditional duties of dress, etc but you can't really spare the extra cash for things like hair, makeup and sheets. If she freaks out, she's not really a considerate friend, or else she's gone mad. You don't want to hate her when this is done.
I'm also worried that if I DO say something she'll get really upset, freak out, and then start telling everyone to never mind, that she doesn't need her bridal suite decorated, that she doesn't need a bridal shower, that she doesn't need a stagette party, and would people please not bring gifts, etc etc etc. .....
You know what, she doesn't need any of those things. Those are all things that people do for you as a gift, not as an expectation or a task. Maybe it would serve her right. Her wedding is about her marriage, not about her "special special day." It seems like she's lost the purpose of the day and maybe taking away all the crap would be good for her. I mean, this is kind of disgusting to read, and that's from someone currently inside the wedding industrial complex, or whatever the hell they call it, if that gives you any perspective.
On preview: She assigned people to throw her a shower and bachelorette party?! That is repugnant. I am thrilled that people want to host one for me, and I would never dream of assigning it to someone. That is tacky and selfish.
posted by ml98tu at 7:14 AM on July 15, 2008 [1 favorite]
Do you have discount stores in Canada like Ross, Marshalls, or TJ Maxx?
This bride-to-be sounds like she would reject a sheet set bought from Winners, especially if she knew that it came from there.
posted by oaf at 7:15 AM on July 15, 2008
This bride-to-be sounds like she would reject a sheet set bought from Winners, especially if she knew that it came from there.
posted by oaf at 7:15 AM on July 15, 2008
This bride-to-be sounds like she would reject a sheet set bought from Winners, especially if she knew that it came from there.
But that's just it. I can go to my Marshalls and get a set of sheets from Ralph Lauren or Calvin Klein (admittedly more valuable as a brand than as an actual bed covering, although they beat Target) at a deep discount, and no one needs know were they came from. Not that I'm in the habit of showing off my sheets to my guests . . .
posted by bibliowench at 7:20 AM on July 15, 2008
Gwenlister, maybe you can clarify the exact advice you are looking for here? Most people's responses are fairly similar (she is being unrealistic and over the top) but you have already indicated that:
1) You won't drop out because the dress is already ordered and you genuinely want to participate
2) You won't push responsibilities onto another bridesmaid because they are in similar financial situations
3) You won't confront your friend or discuss it with her because she will cry, freak out, and over-react.
So what did you think was left to suggest?
posted by pixlboi at 7:28 AM on July 15, 2008 [7 favorites]
1) You won't drop out because the dress is already ordered and you genuinely want to participate
2) You won't push responsibilities onto another bridesmaid because they are in similar financial situations
3) You won't confront your friend or discuss it with her because she will cry, freak out, and over-react.
So what did you think was left to suggest?
posted by pixlboi at 7:28 AM on July 15, 2008 [7 favorites]
You want to be in her wedding because your idea of being a bridesmaid -- supporting your friend, taking part in one of the happiest days of her life -- is awesome. Unfortunately, this is not her idea of being a bridesmaid -- she wants you to be her servant and to put aside your own needs in favor of her demands. The longer you stay in her bridal party, the more unhappiness the disconnect between these two views of being a bridesmaid will cause you.
I know plenty of women who were bridesmaids to a Bridezilla like your friend. In all cases, it damaged or destroyed their friendship with the bride. Emotionally, you are not going to get what you want from participating in her wedding, and it could hurt your friendship significantly. The negative cost of staying in her bridal party won't be measured in dollars alone. Take some of the great advice above and bow out gracefully now.
posted by junkbox at 7:29 AM on July 15, 2008
I know plenty of women who were bridesmaids to a Bridezilla like your friend. In all cases, it damaged or destroyed their friendship with the bride. Emotionally, you are not going to get what you want from participating in her wedding, and it could hurt your friendship significantly. The negative cost of staying in her bridal party won't be measured in dollars alone. Take some of the great advice above and bow out gracefully now.
posted by junkbox at 7:29 AM on July 15, 2008
First, I can't drop out. My dress and shoes are already ordered and paid for, so I'm committed as far as that goes. And the other reality is that I sincerely want to be part of the bridal party and want to be a bridesmaid.
*sigh* she would freak out, no question. She would cry and be really really upset. She doesn't have the best coping skills in the world (which she comes by honestly by having an extremely dysfunctional and emotionally abusive father) so she doesn't do it to be manipulative and passive aggressive. She just doesn't know any other way. I wouldn't be willing to call it quits on the friendship because she handled it badly. :(
Bah, this is blackmail. Calmly tell her that you cannot afford the expenses associated with her wedding. Period. She can either help you out financially or be happy with some alternatives. (If she chooses the former, you can promise not to mention it to the rest of the bridesmaids.) You can afford $x, and that's it, and to do that you're using all of your splurge money for the next several months. Her dysfunctional upbringing does not trump your financial stability in the "issues" department.
It's not unusual for bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses/shoes. Even hotel, transportation, sure. But the suite thing and to some extent the hair/makeup thing is ridiculous. She wants a posh ceremony and to pretend that she's rich and wants you to help pay for it. Who is paying for this wedding, anyway? Are she and her bethrothed footing the bill, or are her parents?
If you do agree to go along with the WTF sheets thing, that can be your wedding present.
posted by desuetude at 7:29 AM on July 15, 2008 [1 favorite]
*sigh* she would freak out, no question. She would cry and be really really upset. She doesn't have the best coping skills in the world (which she comes by honestly by having an extremely dysfunctional and emotionally abusive father) so she doesn't do it to be manipulative and passive aggressive. She just doesn't know any other way. I wouldn't be willing to call it quits on the friendship because she handled it badly. :(
Bah, this is blackmail. Calmly tell her that you cannot afford the expenses associated with her wedding. Period. She can either help you out financially or be happy with some alternatives. (If she chooses the former, you can promise not to mention it to the rest of the bridesmaids.) You can afford $x, and that's it, and to do that you're using all of your splurge money for the next several months. Her dysfunctional upbringing does not trump your financial stability in the "issues" department.
It's not unusual for bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses/shoes. Even hotel, transportation, sure. But the suite thing and to some extent the hair/makeup thing is ridiculous. She wants a posh ceremony and to pretend that she's rich and wants you to help pay for it. Who is paying for this wedding, anyway? Are she and her bethrothed footing the bill, or are her parents?
If you do agree to go along with the WTF sheets thing, that can be your wedding present.
posted by desuetude at 7:29 AM on July 15, 2008 [1 favorite]
How hard is it to find something in particular that you're looking for at Marshalls? I haven't been very impressed with the stores that sell overstock—if I'm looking for something specific, it's difficult to find it at those stores when you need it.
posted by oaf at 7:30 AM on July 15, 2008
posted by oaf at 7:30 AM on July 15, 2008
Response by poster: Gwenlister, maybe you can clarify the exact advice you are looking for here? Most people's responses are fairly similar (she is being unrealistic and over the top) but you have already indicated that:
1) You won't drop out because the dress is already ordered and you genuinely want to participate
2) You won't push responsibilities onto another bridesmaid because they are in similar financial situations
3) You won't confront your friend or discuss it with her because she will cry, freak out, and over-react.
So what did you think was left to suggest?
I was looking confirmation I wasn't being unreasonable as this is the first wedding I have been involved in and I wasn't sure what the norms were, as well as looking for tactful ways to do number 3 on your list.
Are she and her bethrothed footing the bill, or are her parents?
They are paying for the whole thing themselves.
posted by gwenlister at 7:42 AM on July 15, 2008
1) You won't drop out because the dress is already ordered and you genuinely want to participate
2) You won't push responsibilities onto another bridesmaid because they are in similar financial situations
3) You won't confront your friend or discuss it with her because she will cry, freak out, and over-react.
So what did you think was left to suggest?
I was looking confirmation I wasn't being unreasonable as this is the first wedding I have been involved in and I wasn't sure what the norms were, as well as looking for tactful ways to do number 3 on your list.
Are she and her bethrothed footing the bill, or are her parents?
They are paying for the whole thing themselves.
posted by gwenlister at 7:42 AM on July 15, 2008
By the way, gwenlister, you are semi-identifiable and this is a public thread in which your "friend" has been dissed all over the place, including by you. Just a word to the wise, by prepared for repercussions once this hits someone who leaks it to the bride.
I repeat my advice above. By your anser to IAmBroom, it appears you have been plenty assertive with her in the past and have not shrunk from an argument if necessary. First, you need to make some decisions, because you've rejected the idea of dropping out, have rejected the idea of sharing equally among bridesmaids. That really does leave just the option of telling your "friend" how it stands with you -- what you're willing to do and what you won't do. Sleep on it, and then act.
posted by beagle at 7:43 AM on July 15, 2008
I repeat my advice above. By your anser to IAmBroom, it appears you have been plenty assertive with her in the past and have not shrunk from an argument if necessary. First, you need to make some decisions, because you've rejected the idea of dropping out, have rejected the idea of sharing equally among bridesmaids. That really does leave just the option of telling your "friend" how it stands with you -- what you're willing to do and what you won't do. Sleep on it, and then act.
posted by beagle at 7:43 AM on July 15, 2008
she wants me to supply nicer sheets for her bridal suite because the ones the hotel provide aren't "pretty enough"
Huh? Someone needs to come back to reality. If she has special requests for her hotel room, she should address them to the hotel.
I know for me that if someone asked me to be in a wedding party and it was going to cost me $1000+ I would just bow out.
You could make the old excuse about not having the time to really dedicate yourself to the task. Hell, these days that holds true most of the time.
You should not be going deeper into debt for her wedding. Just my opinion, but it is wrong of her to expect you to take on debt for her wedding. Tell her to pay for it and you are there, otherwise, no thank you.
posted by a3matrix at 7:45 AM on July 15, 2008
Huh? Someone needs to come back to reality. If she has special requests for her hotel room, she should address them to the hotel.
I know for me that if someone asked me to be in a wedding party and it was going to cost me $1000+ I would just bow out.
You could make the old excuse about not having the time to really dedicate yourself to the task. Hell, these days that holds true most of the time.
You should not be going deeper into debt for her wedding. Just my opinion, but it is wrong of her to expect you to take on debt for her wedding. Tell her to pay for it and you are there, otherwise, no thank you.
posted by a3matrix at 7:45 AM on July 15, 2008
I have never, ever understood the practice of having your bridal party pay for things, even their dresses/tuxes. I mean, it's your wedding. People are supposed to pay for the privilege of being in it? Ridiculous.
That said, it doesn't sound like you're going to get an easy out here. You're probably going to have to deal with her getting emotional on you if you choose to bring this up to her, but you have to stick to your guns or risk losing your self-respect. Just stay calm and remember this is your money and your future (because you have debt to service that you really, really don't want to get behind on) that you're dealing with, and you have to look out for yourself first, because she certainly doesn't sound like she's going to.
posted by adamdschneider at 7:54 AM on July 15, 2008 [1 favorite]
That said, it doesn't sound like you're going to get an easy out here. You're probably going to have to deal with her getting emotional on you if you choose to bring this up to her, but you have to stick to your guns or risk losing your self-respect. Just stay calm and remember this is your money and your future (because you have debt to service that you really, really don't want to get behind on) that you're dealing with, and you have to look out for yourself first, because she certainly doesn't sound like she's going to.
posted by adamdschneider at 7:54 AM on July 15, 2008 [1 favorite]
Now is a great time to use your self-professed no-nonsense style tempering it, of course, with humor. If you take your friend in hand firmly but with a smile, you'll get what you want. You tell her what you're going to do - with a smile - and then listen to her complaints. You then do what you're able to do and deal with her situational hissy......
Her: But you HAVE to have your hair and makeup professionally done! This is my WEDDING! Don't you LOVE me?!
You: Sorry, Liz. I can't afford the dress, the shoes and the hair and makeup. I'm dropping the professional hair and makeup job unless you'd like me to march down the aisle naked and we'd both hate for you to be upstaged on your wedding day. Right?
Her: But we can't possibly consummate our undying love on MOTEL sheets! THAT'S SICK! Don't you love me?!
You: Liz, I'd like to get you a better present than a set of king sized sheets you might never find another use for. And that's what I'll have to do if I buy all new sheets for the bridal suite. So, it's either the Le Creuset casserole or 100 yards of Egyptian cotton that can sit in your linen closet until you and Harry upgrade from a double. And, anyway, the hotel manager assures me the sheets are made of the finest quality cotton/poly blend.
And I agree you should call the hotel and talk with them about the linen options. Tell the situation to a sympathetic ear and they might be able to come up with something a little more deluxe than usual.
Those seem to be the two most pressing issues. You might think of going the "basket of bath goodies/morning after coffee, tea and sweets/gift certificate for brunch at the best local place" route for the bridal suite that everyone in the bridal party could contribute something to. That's my two cents and good luck.
(By the way, I wouldn't be first in line to loan out my sheets. Those are my sheets, for crying out loud. I'm all for a rigorous wedding night romp but....dude. Those are my sheets.)
posted by TryTheTilapia at 7:56 AM on July 15, 2008
Her: But you HAVE to have your hair and makeup professionally done! This is my WEDDING! Don't you LOVE me?!
You: Sorry, Liz. I can't afford the dress, the shoes and the hair and makeup. I'm dropping the professional hair and makeup job unless you'd like me to march down the aisle naked and we'd both hate for you to be upstaged on your wedding day. Right?
Her: But we can't possibly consummate our undying love on MOTEL sheets! THAT'S SICK! Don't you love me?!
You: Liz, I'd like to get you a better present than a set of king sized sheets you might never find another use for. And that's what I'll have to do if I buy all new sheets for the bridal suite. So, it's either the Le Creuset casserole or 100 yards of Egyptian cotton that can sit in your linen closet until you and Harry upgrade from a double. And, anyway, the hotel manager assures me the sheets are made of the finest quality cotton/poly blend.
And I agree you should call the hotel and talk with them about the linen options. Tell the situation to a sympathetic ear and they might be able to come up with something a little more deluxe than usual.
Those seem to be the two most pressing issues. You might think of going the "basket of bath goodies/morning after coffee, tea and sweets/gift certificate for brunch at the best local place" route for the bridal suite that everyone in the bridal party could contribute something to. That's my two cents and good luck.
(By the way, I wouldn't be first in line to loan out my sheets. Those are my sheets, for crying out loud. I'm all for a rigorous wedding night romp but....dude. Those are my sheets.)
posted by TryTheTilapia at 7:56 AM on July 15, 2008
dude, this is absurd. this is why i'm glad i don't have any friends close enough to ask me to be in their wedding party.
if she wants nicer sheets, she should bring them. if she wants schmancy decoractions in her hotel room, she should pay for them.
i take it that it's normal to pay for your dress and hair, but i think anything else is above and beyond.
you probably could have avoided all this upfront by telling her, when she asked you, that you have a tight budget and can't afford to lavish her like you really want to.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 8:08 AM on July 15, 2008
if she wants nicer sheets, she should bring them. if she wants schmancy decoractions in her hotel room, she should pay for them.
i take it that it's normal to pay for your dress and hair, but i think anything else is above and beyond.
you probably could have avoided all this upfront by telling her, when she asked you, that you have a tight budget and can't afford to lavish her like you really want to.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 8:08 AM on July 15, 2008
You cannot afford to be a bridesmaid for someone who's demanding a $1000 surcharge for the privilege. Go to your friend and tell her that. Honestly, she is going to react poorly. People who demand that you replace hotel sheets are not likely to be reasonable. Please note that you, her fiance and all of her guests are staying at the same hotel. She doesn't care that you will all be sleeping on these horrible sheets.
Since you would still like to be in the wedding, offer to do the reading. If she won't accept that, then too bad. As to the dress and shoes - ebay, consignment or donate. That money is spent. We don't make decisions based on sunk costs.
posted by 26.2 at 8:16 AM on July 15, 2008
Since you would still like to be in the wedding, offer to do the reading. If she won't accept that, then too bad. As to the dress and shoes - ebay, consignment or donate. That money is spent. We don't make decisions based on sunk costs.
posted by 26.2 at 8:16 AM on July 15, 2008
I was just a bridesmaid in my best friend's wedding. She did everything she could to keep expenses down, and it still ended up costing us $1000. I can totally understand that you don't want to back down now (though it really is early enough that you could do that).
You are going to have a conversation with your friend and explain to her that you will do your own hair and makeup. She may be hurt as I'm sure she envisions the four of you doing this all at once as a bonding experience. However, that could easily run you a couple of hundred dollars and is not necessary. As a friend, she will understand your money worries. Also, as part of the same conversation, I would let her know that you will be her only guest to buy her a first anniversary present instead of a wedding present. That way, you spread the cost out a bit...then make sure you do get her and her man something thoughtful.
As far as decorating the bridal suite, it does not need to be expensive. Candles in beautiful candle holders, some toiletries in dollar store glass bottles, and a bowl of fruit should be a good start. Use your own (or borrow) candle holders. Decant your own toiletries. Use your own bowl. Then, call the hotel and find out what the colour scheme of the bed is. Can you borrow throw pillows in a semi-coordinating colour to put on the bed? Can you borrow some scarves/wraps that you can layer on the bed to make it look more lush? These are things you can do without spending a lot of money and are very thoughtful. I would also see if you can talk to her mum, sisters, and the other bridesmaids to see if they can think of thoughtful and inexpensive (stress this) things to include.
Call your friend back and say the following. "I'd love to include nicer sheets as part of fixing up your room. Unfortunately, I don't have a king-size bed either and won't be able to buy new ones. It would be great if you could get some you really like. Let me know the colours and I'll see if I can include those colours in my decorations."
This, my friend, is kind of what you signed up for when you agreed to be a bridesmaid. Bridesmaids do have to buy their own dresses, and share in wedding duties. You also do have to get yourself there and pay to put yourself up. (BTW, I agree with others with trying to share a room with another guest, if you can.) If you are uncomfortable at this point, and don't want to 'cheap out' on the things I've listed, it's probably best to not go any further. Good luck.
posted by ms.v. at 8:23 AM on July 15, 2008
You are going to have a conversation with your friend and explain to her that you will do your own hair and makeup. She may be hurt as I'm sure she envisions the four of you doing this all at once as a bonding experience. However, that could easily run you a couple of hundred dollars and is not necessary. As a friend, she will understand your money worries. Also, as part of the same conversation, I would let her know that you will be her only guest to buy her a first anniversary present instead of a wedding present. That way, you spread the cost out a bit...then make sure you do get her and her man something thoughtful.
As far as decorating the bridal suite, it does not need to be expensive. Candles in beautiful candle holders, some toiletries in dollar store glass bottles, and a bowl of fruit should be a good start. Use your own (or borrow) candle holders. Decant your own toiletries. Use your own bowl. Then, call the hotel and find out what the colour scheme of the bed is. Can you borrow throw pillows in a semi-coordinating colour to put on the bed? Can you borrow some scarves/wraps that you can layer on the bed to make it look more lush? These are things you can do without spending a lot of money and are very thoughtful. I would also see if you can talk to her mum, sisters, and the other bridesmaids to see if they can think of thoughtful and inexpensive (stress this) things to include.
Call your friend back and say the following. "I'd love to include nicer sheets as part of fixing up your room. Unfortunately, I don't have a king-size bed either and won't be able to buy new ones. It would be great if you could get some you really like. Let me know the colours and I'll see if I can include those colours in my decorations."
This, my friend, is kind of what you signed up for when you agreed to be a bridesmaid. Bridesmaids do have to buy their own dresses, and share in wedding duties. You also do have to get yourself there and pay to put yourself up. (BTW, I agree with others with trying to share a room with another guest, if you can.) If you are uncomfortable at this point, and don't want to 'cheap out' on the things I've listed, it's probably best to not go any further. Good luck.
posted by ms.v. at 8:23 AM on July 15, 2008
LoriFLA writes "That being said. If you're too intimidated by your friend and can't confront the situation. Go to Amazon.com and buy one of those 400-ct. sheet sets for 29.99 and don't complain."
I picked up several supposedly 460 count, deliciously brand free, sheet sets at HomeSense for $40 last week including the cases. I'd bet as fall rolls around you could get a flannel set for less than that which is perfect for winter use. As others have said use it as your wedding gift.
And I'd work a car pool really hard if at all possible. I guarantee that there will be several people not paying $100 a night for hotel rooms.
posted by Mitheral at 8:47 AM on July 15, 2008
I picked up several supposedly 460 count, deliciously brand free, sheet sets at HomeSense for $40 last week including the cases. I'd bet as fall rolls around you could get a flannel set for less than that which is perfect for winter use. As others have said use it as your wedding gift.
And I'd work a car pool really hard if at all possible. I guarantee that there will be several people not paying $100 a night for hotel rooms.
posted by Mitheral at 8:47 AM on July 15, 2008
You either have to say No, or suck it up and shell out the cash. Say No to the excess. Talk to other members of the wedding party about sharing a room, finding cheap accommodations, etc. Decorating the room? See if other bridesmaids will give you their flowers, spritz some cologne from a dept store sample, make sure it's adequately clean. If not, make the motel staff clean it. If there's leftover champagne, amke sure a bottle gets to the room.
You explain by being honest, by respecting your friend enough to understand that if she is adult enough to be getting married, she is adult enough to understand that her friends cannot pay 1,000 of wedding expenses. No editorializing, no use of the term bridezilla, just an honest, "I'm so happy for you, but I just cannot afford any more expense."
posted by theora55 at 8:47 AM on July 15, 2008
You explain by being honest, by respecting your friend enough to understand that if she is adult enough to be getting married, she is adult enough to understand that her friends cannot pay 1,000 of wedding expenses. No editorializing, no use of the term bridezilla, just an honest, "I'm so happy for you, but I just cannot afford any more expense."
posted by theora55 at 8:47 AM on July 15, 2008
You can either sit her down and explain to her that you can't afford all of the additional expenses, or you can just suck it up and try to reduce those expenses as much as possible. The dress, shoes, gift and travel are reasonable, especially for a couple who is paying for their wedding themselves. Decorating the bridal suite and buying new sheets are over the top.
You aren't being unreasonable for balking at those requests, but if you are unwilling to confront her about them, then you will have to find a way to make it work that's as inexpensive as possible. Most of those things have already been suggested - get cheap but thoughtful decorations for the suite, share a room with the other bridesmaids, etc.
I can't even begin to give you advice about the sheets as that is probably one of the most absurd requests I've heard.
posted by bedhead at 9:00 AM on July 15, 2008
You aren't being unreasonable for balking at those requests, but if you are unwilling to confront her about them, then you will have to find a way to make it work that's as inexpensive as possible. Most of those things have already been suggested - get cheap but thoughtful decorations for the suite, share a room with the other bridesmaids, etc.
I can't even begin to give you advice about the sheets as that is probably one of the most absurd requests I've heard.
posted by bedhead at 9:00 AM on July 15, 2008
To prepare for your conversation with her, you could make a list of all the important things about a wedding: Being surrounded by friends and family, making a lifelong commitment to another person and having it witnessed by others, sharing the joys of love and a new family. Really, a successful marriage and a memorable wedding does not have anything to do with stagette parties, matching dresses, hotel decorations, and so on.
In fact, one could easily argue that going in debt for the above hinders a good marriage.
Using that logic, if she agrees that going into debt for unnecessary things is not a good idea for her and her marriage, why should it be good for you?
posted by Houstonian at 9:06 AM on July 15, 2008
In fact, one could easily argue that going in debt for the above hinders a good marriage.
Using that logic, if she agrees that going into debt for unnecessary things is not a good idea for her and her marriage, why should it be good for you?
posted by Houstonian at 9:06 AM on July 15, 2008
Chat to the hotel, negotiate better sheets (they can hook it up with their linen service) and get them to tack it onto the bill. Too easy :) The sheets would have to be washed first and then at the hotel ready to go onto the bed when the room is made up... Ehh. Or you can request something they will not be able to charge for if they do not provide it... :) If she says anything about it say "Oh. I thought that was what you wanted me to do! ...so what was I supposed to do about it instead??"
Maybe it's just me but glorious sheets are hundreds of dollars per sheet. I would've told her to fuck right off. Or at the very least crossed Wedding Gift off my list! (If I could find some co-contributors.)
Talk to the other bridesmaids. Find out what extra little 'tasks' they have been 'assigned' I'm sure Ms unemployed/pregnant/cargiver was WAY over budget after one shoe...
When Bridezilla starts her throwing her little tanty and starts cancelling everything I'd just laugh at her and say Good. Why don't you just cancel the wedding too, you fucking idiot. But that's just me. Humoring idiots is no good for anybody concerned.
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 9:21 AM on July 15, 2008
Maybe it's just me but glorious sheets are hundreds of dollars per sheet. I would've told her to fuck right off. Or at the very least crossed Wedding Gift off my list! (If I could find some co-contributors.)
Talk to the other bridesmaids. Find out what extra little 'tasks' they have been 'assigned' I'm sure Ms unemployed/pregnant/cargiver was WAY over budget after one shoe...
When Bridezilla starts her throwing her little tanty and starts cancelling everything I'd just laugh at her and say Good. Why don't you just cancel the wedding too, you fucking idiot. But that's just me. Humoring idiots is no good for anybody concerned.
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 9:21 AM on July 15, 2008
They are paying for the whole thing themselves.
Egads. The utility companies are going to love it when she explains to them how actually, they owe HER money! And they're ruining her special week/month/year!
Joking aside, she apparently wants a wedding that is way over the budget that she has set with her betrothed. Well, since she's quite aware of how much things cost, she should be more sensitive to your financial situation.
Okay, on the sheets thing again. She's asked you to get prettier sheets. Do your due diligence and, as noted upthread, ask the hotel if they have any prettier sheets. If they don't, let her know that you checked, but the hotel doesn't have nicer sheets, sorry. If she has the balls to then tell you to buy some, you have a good opening to incredulously ask "What, like as your wedding present?" If she replies that this is part of your bridesmaidly duties, you have an excellent opening to laugh. Because surely she can't be serious.
posted by desuetude at 9:25 AM on July 15, 2008 [5 favorites]
Egads. The utility companies are going to love it when she explains to them how actually, they owe HER money! And they're ruining her special week/month/year!
Joking aside, she apparently wants a wedding that is way over the budget that she has set with her betrothed. Well, since she's quite aware of how much things cost, she should be more sensitive to your financial situation.
Okay, on the sheets thing again. She's asked you to get prettier sheets. Do your due diligence and, as noted upthread, ask the hotel if they have any prettier sheets. If they don't, let her know that you checked, but the hotel doesn't have nicer sheets, sorry. If she has the balls to then tell you to buy some, you have a good opening to incredulously ask "What, like as your wedding present?" If she replies that this is part of your bridesmaidly duties, you have an excellent opening to laugh. Because surely she can't be serious.
posted by desuetude at 9:25 AM on July 15, 2008 [5 favorites]
Just send her a link to your post. End of problem.
posted by w0mbat at 9:26 AM on July 15, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by w0mbat at 9:26 AM on July 15, 2008 [1 favorite]
Can you talk to the other bridesmaids? Maybe they are struggling with the costs too and going as a group might make it easier to confront. Even if they aren't struggling they might be able to support you in confronting her.
posted by silkygreenbelly at 10:02 AM on July 15, 2008
posted by silkygreenbelly at 10:02 AM on July 15, 2008
I'm a bridesmaid in 2 weddings this year, and currently a 6th year grad student with about $50,000 in debt, so I feel your pain!
Here's what you do. Do not ask permission. Decide excatly what you are and are not willing to pay for, then stick to your guns. Tell her how happy you are for her, but tell her than due to your financial situation, you
1. Are going to do your own hair and make-up for the wedding. She'll get over it, or she'll offer to pay.
To save money, look for a ride to the wedding and a place to crash other than the hotel- do you have any friends that live in the same city you could stay with? Worst come to worst, suck up the bus fare but find someone to share a hotel room with you. At the wedding I was just in, the bride gave me a hard time beforehand about not staying at the hotel, but totally ditched her own reception before it ended so it didn't end up mattering, because there wasn't an afterparty or anything.
Wedding gift. Keep it under $50. Don't feel guilty about it.
Bridal sweet decorations- just spend $10 for some rose petals and be done with it.
As for the sheets, just say NO. That's a completely absurd request. Or you could offer to get her the sheets as their wedding gift. But I sill say draw the line at the one..it's definitely bridezilla territory.
Good luck!
posted by emd3737 at 10:02 AM on July 15, 2008 [1 favorite]
Here's what you do. Do not ask permission. Decide excatly what you are and are not willing to pay for, then stick to your guns. Tell her how happy you are for her, but tell her than due to your financial situation, you
1. Are going to do your own hair and make-up for the wedding. She'll get over it, or she'll offer to pay.
To save money, look for a ride to the wedding and a place to crash other than the hotel- do you have any friends that live in the same city you could stay with? Worst come to worst, suck up the bus fare but find someone to share a hotel room with you. At the wedding I was just in, the bride gave me a hard time beforehand about not staying at the hotel, but totally ditched her own reception before it ended so it didn't end up mattering, because there wasn't an afterparty or anything.
Wedding gift. Keep it under $50. Don't feel guilty about it.
Bridal sweet decorations- just spend $10 for some rose petals and be done with it.
As for the sheets, just say NO. That's a completely absurd request. Or you could offer to get her the sheets as their wedding gift. But I sill say draw the line at the one..it's definitely bridezilla territory.
Good luck!
posted by emd3737 at 10:02 AM on July 15, 2008 [1 favorite]
I think you should ask her husband for some money behind her back, with knowing head nods towards how insane she's been acting lately.
posted by shownomercy at 10:53 AM on July 15, 2008
posted by shownomercy at 10:53 AM on July 15, 2008
Just because I don't think anyone has said it yet, you must-must-must say something NOW if you want to avoid a problem later. Today you're looking at a $1000 expense. Even if you decide to squeeze by the current demands made on you as others above have suggested, there are still six whole months left until the wedding. There will be more things added to your list of responsibilities. There will be more cost to you. If you don't do some damage control now, the financial problem is only going to get worse, and you're only going to resent your friend more.
posted by phunniemee at 11:24 AM on July 15, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by phunniemee at 11:24 AM on July 15, 2008 [1 favorite]
Everything other than paying for the salon and the sheets sounds normal to me. How much is the salon and sheets? If it's not much I would just swallow that expense. Isn't she getting a group rate for the salon? As for the sheets... sounds weird to me, but it's her day. Also, in my experience you have up to a year to get a gift, so... wait on that one. Ultimately you're out the cost of sheets and a group rate salon visit.
If you can't afford all of the above you have to ask to not be a bridesmaid. It's not the end of the world - it's just that you can't afford it period.
posted by xammerboy at 11:35 AM on July 15, 2008
If you can't afford all of the above you have to ask to not be a bridesmaid. It's not the end of the world - it's just that you can't afford it period.
posted by xammerboy at 11:35 AM on July 15, 2008
First the things I think are quite clear according to good etiquette books (which to me seems to mean a book published before 1980 that doesn't waffle about what is right and wrong. the one I have used the most is The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette).
1) Gifts are not a requirement for a wedding you are attending -- or not attending but you received an invitation to. It is tacky and rude on the part of the couple (or their parents) to make people believe otherwise.
2) As a member of the wedding party, your gift to the couple IS paying a reasonable amount for the dress/tux. As I assume you are a functioning member of society who can dress yourself, I have faith that you can groom yourself appropriately (perhaps with the assistance of a friend that is more into makeup if you are not so inclined) for the actual event and that shouldn't add substantially to the cost.
3) Going into debt for something that does not appreciate in value is generally a bad idea. If you can't afford this, you can't afford it. You have to make this decision on your own. Do not get blackmailed into making a poor decision. You already bought the shoes and dress, that sucks. But just because you spent money you didn't really have in your budget doesn't mean you should spend more money you don't really have in your budget.
Secondly the matters which are a bit more up for debate;
1) Different sheets?! Umm no.
2) I would not suggest attempting to lower the cost through negotiation with couple, parents, other wedding party members, etc. It may lower the cost somewhat, but as someone who will always be watching the bottom line, you will end up being pressured into changing your budget or you will be made out to be the "cheap" friend. If you attempt to gang up on her with other wedding party members, it will end with hurt feelings (of either the bride or some of the other wedding party). Bow out of the entire obligation to be in the wedding party and indicate that you will be happy to attend their wedding as a guest. I would go so far as to say, do not accept the offer to still participate if the couple or the other wedding party members contribute to cover your share. I am certain that the
posted by fief at 11:57 AM on July 15, 2008
1) Gifts are not a requirement for a wedding you are attending -- or not attending but you received an invitation to. It is tacky and rude on the part of the couple (or their parents) to make people believe otherwise.
2) As a member of the wedding party, your gift to the couple IS paying a reasonable amount for the dress/tux. As I assume you are a functioning member of society who can dress yourself, I have faith that you can groom yourself appropriately (perhaps with the assistance of a friend that is more into makeup if you are not so inclined) for the actual event and that shouldn't add substantially to the cost.
3) Going into debt for something that does not appreciate in value is generally a bad idea. If you can't afford this, you can't afford it. You have to make this decision on your own. Do not get blackmailed into making a poor decision. You already bought the shoes and dress, that sucks. But just because you spent money you didn't really have in your budget doesn't mean you should spend more money you don't really have in your budget.
Secondly the matters which are a bit more up for debate;
1) Different sheets?! Umm no.
2) I would not suggest attempting to lower the cost through negotiation with couple, parents, other wedding party members, etc. It may lower the cost somewhat, but as someone who will always be watching the bottom line, you will end up being pressured into changing your budget or you will be made out to be the "cheap" friend. If you attempt to gang up on her with other wedding party members, it will end with hurt feelings (of either the bride or some of the other wedding party). Bow out of the entire obligation to be in the wedding party and indicate that you will be happy to attend their wedding as a guest. I would go so far as to say, do not accept the offer to still participate if the couple or the other wedding party members contribute to cover your share. I am certain that the
posted by fief at 11:57 AM on July 15, 2008
I think you should ask her husband for some money behind her back, with knowing head nods towards how insane she's been acting lately.
Horrifically condescending. She's an adult, not a 3-year-old. Do not do this.
except that she's likely to react like a 3-yr-old if she doesn't get her way.
(and not that i think you should follow the above advice either.)
posted by violetk at 1:57 PM on July 15, 2008
Horrifically condescending. She's an adult, not a 3-year-old. Do not do this.
except that she's likely to react like a 3-yr-old if she doesn't get her way.
(and not that i think you should follow the above advice either.)
posted by violetk at 1:57 PM on July 15, 2008
As a practical suggestion, scattered rose petals (and the fake ones are cheap, btw) make for prettier sheets. As do candles. As do Hershey's kisses.
You do not need to actually purchase new sheets to fulfil this request.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:54 PM on July 15, 2008
You do not need to actually purchase new sheets to fulfil this request.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:54 PM on July 15, 2008
I agree with xammerboy. Everything except the salon and the sheets is reasonable. If you're too broke to afford the reasonable obligations, tell her now, so she can find someone else.
posted by jayder at 9:42 PM on July 15, 2008
posted by jayder at 9:42 PM on July 15, 2008
The gift can wait up to a year after the marriage ceremony, and as other folks have said your presence and participation as a bridesmaid is a very lovely gift in itself. See if you can take a nice picture of the couple on the day of, get a print made and a lovely frame, and give that. Go for meaning over cost on the gift.
I think you should be able to find someone with a king sized bed. This seems like something you can ask the other bridesmaids and groomsmen about, or even ask the bride and groom themselves.
I agree with folks above that alot of these expenses are normal and can't really be helped. She might have chosen a more affordable dress, etc., but there's nothing to be done about that now. I think you should talk to her soon because it's only July, and there is lots more time for additional demands to come up, and if they do and you have held this in the whole time you might explode at her.
So give her a call and let her know that you love her and you're so happy about her marriage, but that, as she probably knows, this is a tough time for you financially. (I say she probably knows this because she assigned you probably the least expensive task of the 3, between the stag party, the bridal shower, and the room decorating.*) Say that you appreciate that she has taken this into consideration so far, but that between the travel cost, the hotel, and the other expenses you have already paid, you are worried about the cost of the hair and makeup and wondered if she would mind very much if you just did your own. And ask her if she knows a source for king sized sheets (call the hotel before this conversation and confirm the size of the bed; maybe you don't even need to worry about this if it's a queen.).
I am with you in wanting to prevent her from freaking out completely; in today's society many (though not all) of her requests are fairly standard. There is no need for you to be a drama queen here. Good luck.
* By the way, the whole room decorating thing with the sheets seems less insane once the poster noted that the hotel is a bad quality and that a Super 8 motel probably would have nicer sheets than this place. So she wants nice sheets. It is a little weird to make someone else do this, but imho not totally outside the bounds of sanity.)
posted by onlyconnect at 7:44 AM on July 16, 2008
I think you should be able to find someone with a king sized bed. This seems like something you can ask the other bridesmaids and groomsmen about, or even ask the bride and groom themselves.
I agree with folks above that alot of these expenses are normal and can't really be helped. She might have chosen a more affordable dress, etc., but there's nothing to be done about that now. I think you should talk to her soon because it's only July, and there is lots more time for additional demands to come up, and if they do and you have held this in the whole time you might explode at her.
So give her a call and let her know that you love her and you're so happy about her marriage, but that, as she probably knows, this is a tough time for you financially. (I say she probably knows this because she assigned you probably the least expensive task of the 3, between the stag party, the bridal shower, and the room decorating.*) Say that you appreciate that she has taken this into consideration so far, but that between the travel cost, the hotel, and the other expenses you have already paid, you are worried about the cost of the hair and makeup and wondered if she would mind very much if you just did your own. And ask her if she knows a source for king sized sheets (call the hotel before this conversation and confirm the size of the bed; maybe you don't even need to worry about this if it's a queen.).
I am with you in wanting to prevent her from freaking out completely; in today's society many (though not all) of her requests are fairly standard. There is no need for you to be a drama queen here. Good luck.
* By the way, the whole room decorating thing with the sheets seems less insane once the poster noted that the hotel is a bad quality and that a Super 8 motel probably would have nicer sheets than this place. So she wants nice sheets. It is a little weird to make someone else do this, but imho not totally outside the bounds of sanity.)
posted by onlyconnect at 7:44 AM on July 16, 2008
It would be interesting to find out how long this marriage lasts. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that is is called off by the groom.
posted by Daddy-O at 10:47 AM on July 16, 2008
posted by Daddy-O at 10:47 AM on July 16, 2008
"I am truly, truly sorry, but I just do not have the money. At all. Empty account. Soup Kitchen Status."
How can she possibly blame you for this?
posted by shadowfelldown at 12:45 PM on July 16, 2008
How can she possibly blame you for this?
posted by shadowfelldown at 12:45 PM on July 16, 2008
This thread is closed to new comments.
OR
Band together with the other bridesmaids and agree that:
- This is costing you all a bunch.
- If bride doesn't cover hair and makeup, that you're all just going to do your own (why not?)
- You're going to just go out for drinks for her stagette/bachelorette party.
- There is no need for decorations.
If she wants this stuff, she (or her family or whatever) needs to pay for it.
When you say that you're worried that she's going to cancel a bunch of stuff, you imply that this is a BAD THING. From my perspective, this would be a GOOD THING.
posted by k8t at 4:53 AM on July 15, 2008 [5 favorites]