Am I making the same relationship mistakes?
March 6, 2010 3:30 AM Subscribe
Am I making the same relationship mistakes: Getting over 'the one' and facing future relationships (sorry, long long post)
Dear all, I'm writing to get some advice on how to get over the most significant relationship in my life and how to face relationships in the future. I know there have been other posts about this, but I guess like most people I feel my case is unique and unlike some other posters I want some advice on possible relationship mistakes I am making.
My ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago, we had been together for 16 months. When I met him I was recovering from a severe and long-lasting facial paralysis so wasn't looking 100% but he though I looked wonderful and was a wonderful person (I'm looking fine now, but in the past guys have never focussed much on my personality so this was so refreshing). We met on the internet (first time I'd done that) and I 'clicked' on him despite seeing he lived in a city 3 hours away (I live in Europe) and then he approached me and from there there was this enormous 'click' for both of us. I have LOTS trouble finding men I really like, and for perhaps the first time in my life (I was 31) I felt I'd found someone not only who I felt very close to, but also treated me like a princess and ticked boxes that I hadn't even been asked to be ticked as I thought it wasn't possible (well travelled and cultured, liked my arab background, hilarious, same mind set, liked the good things in life but not snobby about them, generous, affectionate, tall and attractive, so kind to his family and friends, adventurous, hate to admit I like this but financially very very stable, made a huge effort with me and so many other things). One of the most amazing things for me was that he helped me find the best doctors and best treatment for my condition and almost coached me through my rehabilitation, he also improved my life in numerous ways, encouraging me to improve my relationship with my family and improve my financial situation. He involved me from day one with his family and friends, who were also wonderful charming people. I felt I'd gone to heaven.
There was however a niggling doubt, he never said I love you although he showed it in many ways. I know it seems ridiculous that i could ignore that fact, but I think the distance made it easier to ignore and he would mentioned his parents troubled divorce, the fact his mum died when he was young, and I'd make excuses for him... He always acted 100% like he loved me and it seemed he would do anything for me, he was my number 1 fan and would say I was the best girlfriend he had ever had. He would frequently talk about 'when we have kids', 'if/when we get married' etc, though on occasion I wondered if he was 100% sure about this, but the next minute his actions would prove to me that he did want this.
Then a few months ago he got an amazing job offer abroad, the first thing he did was ask me to go with him, and I accepted, loving this guy as I did. He was going to go a few months ahead to set things up (the company he was taking over was bankrupt at the time so it made sense to me that he'd need to sort out a few things before I joined him...still part of me said to myself if I don't go with him now, I think something will go wrong).
Communication hasn't been amazing these past 4 months, but I knew he was working days, night and weekends to save this company and know he was not lying about that, he even paid for me to go visit a few time and introduced me to the people who worked for him and got me to help him choose 'our flat'. I noticed he was acting a bit different with me, not looking at me in that same loving way, but then he'd do things like travel accross the world to accompany me to my sister's wedding and I'd think 'everything's ok, he's just under A LOT of stress'.
3 weeks agp he came back from the country he lives in expressly to break up with me. When I asked why he said maybe he didn't feel strong enough (any more?) to drag me away from my life, my job etc to another country and if things didn't work out he'd feel responsibe. I just feel totally confused and lost now. How could I get it so wrong? In an email I sent him asking (nicely) for more explanation I brought up the 'I love you' thing, which I had started to dismiss as several guys have told me they loved me then showed me otherwise. He said he had tried to say it to me so many times but the words wouldn't come out, that in recent years he had found it very hard to fall in love, that maybe this was something to do with his family background, he also mentioned that the only reason he was born was that his mum 'tricked' his dad and that for him to have a child someone would probably have to do the same to him. Sorry this is a bit personal, but he had a problem with ejaculating 'inside' which perhaps relates to this issue. He also said he didn't think I was truly in love with him and that I was just grateful for all the help he gave me with my illness when in fact I didn't need to be as I had helped him even more (I helped him a lot too) - I couldn't believe he said that - I loved him so so much. I know this will make him sound like a confused fool, but everyone who knows him loves him and sees him as a paragon of integrity and sanity. I'll also mention that from the start he told me he was a bit afraid of commitment, but then who isn't? And I appreciated his honesty.
Re my relationship history, I should say that as a youngster I had low self esteem and pretty much was alone or went out with quite a few guys I wasn't even interested in because I felt if I didn't I might end up alone. This happened until I was 27, and looking back was kind of silly as I am a good looking, intelligent and very nice woman (or that's what everyone tells me). At 27 I got my act together and started going out with guys who were more in my league (sorry to talk about league, but I mean guys with similar ambitions, social level, intelligence etc) and got engaged to a very very sweet workaholic (I din't realise he was a workaholic in the beginning) who was absent for a large part of our relationship but amazing with me when we were together. The relationship lasted 2.5 years, but he suddenly walked out of our house with depression just 3 months after moving in. I was devastated but did have a decent break before meeting my last bf.
I guess my questions are,
1) Do you think I've just been unlucky, or am I somehow attracted to and attracting men who are avoidant (despite being pretty much mr. wonderful in every other way)? I certainly don't feel like I need lots of time alone, but maybe this is something subconscious? I admit that in addition to basic personaility traits I do like men who are ambitious and hard working. I've wondered recently if I should talk to a therapist about this, but sometimes I see people and couples with very obvious flaws and they seem to work it out so I think why can't I get it right when I'm apparently such a stable and solid person?
2) From your experience do you think I'm making any key mistakes once in the relationship?
3) I'm 32 and worried that my time is running out if I want to have kids, I look very young but have a health problem that means I should have kids sooner rather than later. I feel cynical as I wonder if most of the guys out there will have a lot of baggage and I don't want to rush into anything or be with someone who doesn't fascinate me in some way. At the same time I don't want to b alone forever, I love being in love. I know we all have baggage, but I don't let mine destroy people's lives. Do you think there is hope to find someone like-minded and available at this age? When I look out there I feel that no-one matches up to my ex (even my friends and family agree he is a very hard act to follow) so do I need to 'lower my standards' and how can I do this without feeling disatissfied?
Sorry, I know I'm asking a lot here but I'd really appreciate some opinions.Thank you
Dear all, I'm writing to get some advice on how to get over the most significant relationship in my life and how to face relationships in the future. I know there have been other posts about this, but I guess like most people I feel my case is unique and unlike some other posters I want some advice on possible relationship mistakes I am making.
My ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago, we had been together for 16 months. When I met him I was recovering from a severe and long-lasting facial paralysis so wasn't looking 100% but he though I looked wonderful and was a wonderful person (I'm looking fine now, but in the past guys have never focussed much on my personality so this was so refreshing). We met on the internet (first time I'd done that) and I 'clicked' on him despite seeing he lived in a city 3 hours away (I live in Europe) and then he approached me and from there there was this enormous 'click' for both of us. I have LOTS trouble finding men I really like, and for perhaps the first time in my life (I was 31) I felt I'd found someone not only who I felt very close to, but also treated me like a princess and ticked boxes that I hadn't even been asked to be ticked as I thought it wasn't possible (well travelled and cultured, liked my arab background, hilarious, same mind set, liked the good things in life but not snobby about them, generous, affectionate, tall and attractive, so kind to his family and friends, adventurous, hate to admit I like this but financially very very stable, made a huge effort with me and so many other things). One of the most amazing things for me was that he helped me find the best doctors and best treatment for my condition and almost coached me through my rehabilitation, he also improved my life in numerous ways, encouraging me to improve my relationship with my family and improve my financial situation. He involved me from day one with his family and friends, who were also wonderful charming people. I felt I'd gone to heaven.
There was however a niggling doubt, he never said I love you although he showed it in many ways. I know it seems ridiculous that i could ignore that fact, but I think the distance made it easier to ignore and he would mentioned his parents troubled divorce, the fact his mum died when he was young, and I'd make excuses for him... He always acted 100% like he loved me and it seemed he would do anything for me, he was my number 1 fan and would say I was the best girlfriend he had ever had. He would frequently talk about 'when we have kids', 'if/when we get married' etc, though on occasion I wondered if he was 100% sure about this, but the next minute his actions would prove to me that he did want this.
Then a few months ago he got an amazing job offer abroad, the first thing he did was ask me to go with him, and I accepted, loving this guy as I did. He was going to go a few months ahead to set things up (the company he was taking over was bankrupt at the time so it made sense to me that he'd need to sort out a few things before I joined him...still part of me said to myself if I don't go with him now, I think something will go wrong).
Communication hasn't been amazing these past 4 months, but I knew he was working days, night and weekends to save this company and know he was not lying about that, he even paid for me to go visit a few time and introduced me to the people who worked for him and got me to help him choose 'our flat'. I noticed he was acting a bit different with me, not looking at me in that same loving way, but then he'd do things like travel accross the world to accompany me to my sister's wedding and I'd think 'everything's ok, he's just under A LOT of stress'.
3 weeks agp he came back from the country he lives in expressly to break up with me. When I asked why he said maybe he didn't feel strong enough (any more?) to drag me away from my life, my job etc to another country and if things didn't work out he'd feel responsibe. I just feel totally confused and lost now. How could I get it so wrong? In an email I sent him asking (nicely) for more explanation I brought up the 'I love you' thing, which I had started to dismiss as several guys have told me they loved me then showed me otherwise. He said he had tried to say it to me so many times but the words wouldn't come out, that in recent years he had found it very hard to fall in love, that maybe this was something to do with his family background, he also mentioned that the only reason he was born was that his mum 'tricked' his dad and that for him to have a child someone would probably have to do the same to him. Sorry this is a bit personal, but he had a problem with ejaculating 'inside' which perhaps relates to this issue. He also said he didn't think I was truly in love with him and that I was just grateful for all the help he gave me with my illness when in fact I didn't need to be as I had helped him even more (I helped him a lot too) - I couldn't believe he said that - I loved him so so much. I know this will make him sound like a confused fool, but everyone who knows him loves him and sees him as a paragon of integrity and sanity. I'll also mention that from the start he told me he was a bit afraid of commitment, but then who isn't? And I appreciated his honesty.
Re my relationship history, I should say that as a youngster I had low self esteem and pretty much was alone or went out with quite a few guys I wasn't even interested in because I felt if I didn't I might end up alone. This happened until I was 27, and looking back was kind of silly as I am a good looking, intelligent and very nice woman (or that's what everyone tells me). At 27 I got my act together and started going out with guys who were more in my league (sorry to talk about league, but I mean guys with similar ambitions, social level, intelligence etc) and got engaged to a very very sweet workaholic (I din't realise he was a workaholic in the beginning) who was absent for a large part of our relationship but amazing with me when we were together. The relationship lasted 2.5 years, but he suddenly walked out of our house with depression just 3 months after moving in. I was devastated but did have a decent break before meeting my last bf.
I guess my questions are,
1) Do you think I've just been unlucky, or am I somehow attracted to and attracting men who are avoidant (despite being pretty much mr. wonderful in every other way)? I certainly don't feel like I need lots of time alone, but maybe this is something subconscious? I admit that in addition to basic personaility traits I do like men who are ambitious and hard working. I've wondered recently if I should talk to a therapist about this, but sometimes I see people and couples with very obvious flaws and they seem to work it out so I think why can't I get it right when I'm apparently such a stable and solid person?
2) From your experience do you think I'm making any key mistakes once in the relationship?
3) I'm 32 and worried that my time is running out if I want to have kids, I look very young but have a health problem that means I should have kids sooner rather than later. I feel cynical as I wonder if most of the guys out there will have a lot of baggage and I don't want to rush into anything or be with someone who doesn't fascinate me in some way. At the same time I don't want to b alone forever, I love being in love. I know we all have baggage, but I don't let mine destroy people's lives. Do you think there is hope to find someone like-minded and available at this age? When I look out there I feel that no-one matches up to my ex (even my friends and family agree he is a very hard act to follow) so do I need to 'lower my standards' and how can I do this without feeling disatissfied?
Sorry, I know I'm asking a lot here but I'd really appreciate some opinions.Thank you
Despite the length of your post, I don't have a great sense of what's going on for you over the long term, so I am hesitant to even attempt an answer. I think your perspective is probably skewed by your recent loss, and that probably has shaped the way you've told your story. Still, a few things jump out at me.
For one, your summary of your last relationship is all about the guy's socioeconomic status and the kind stuff he did for you. I don't see anything there about common interests and goals -- just 'he did this for me, he treated me well, he's so smart and successful, etc.
Despite your insistence that you really loved him, my impression, based on your description of the relationship, is that gratefulness for the stuff he did for you was the foundation of your feelings for him.
It also sounds as if you're not in the habit of communicating very much. You mentioned having wondered if he was 100% sure about marriage, kids, etc. Did you have deep, heart-to-heart talks about that wondering? Because it sounds almost as if you couldn't believe your luck in having won this guy's attentions. It sounds as if you were living in a dream world, more spectator than actor.
Finally, it sounds as if your anxieties that you might not get to 'tick all your boxes' are getting the better of you. You want to get married, have kids, have a deep and meaningful relationship, and you want it all now -- because the clock is ticking and what if you don't get to do it all? I get the impression that you might be so focused on the ideal life you've imagined that you are uncomfortable with the real life you've got, and that maybe you deal with that discomfort by pretending that you are, in fact, living the fantasy. When evidence to the contrary presents itself, you conveniently ignore it.
posted by jon1270 at 4:54 AM on March 6, 2010
For one, your summary of your last relationship is all about the guy's socioeconomic status and the kind stuff he did for you. I don't see anything there about common interests and goals -- just 'he did this for me, he treated me well, he's so smart and successful, etc.
Despite your insistence that you really loved him, my impression, based on your description of the relationship, is that gratefulness for the stuff he did for you was the foundation of your feelings for him.
It also sounds as if you're not in the habit of communicating very much. You mentioned having wondered if he was 100% sure about marriage, kids, etc. Did you have deep, heart-to-heart talks about that wondering? Because it sounds almost as if you couldn't believe your luck in having won this guy's attentions. It sounds as if you were living in a dream world, more spectator than actor.
Finally, it sounds as if your anxieties that you might not get to 'tick all your boxes' are getting the better of you. You want to get married, have kids, have a deep and meaningful relationship, and you want it all now -- because the clock is ticking and what if you don't get to do it all? I get the impression that you might be so focused on the ideal life you've imagined that you are uncomfortable with the real life you've got, and that maybe you deal with that discomfort by pretending that you are, in fact, living the fantasy. When evidence to the contrary presents itself, you conveniently ignore it.
posted by jon1270 at 4:54 AM on March 6, 2010
Response by poster: Thanks, some interesting comments. jon1270, although I haven't explained things that well, some of what you say is probably true. I see what your saying about the ticking the boxes stuff, though I have to say I didn't even have a list until I met this guy and suddenly he made me happy in ways I couldn't even imagine and I don't mean his bank balance (yes, I know we are supposed to make ourselves happy not depend on others to do it...). So 'the list' may have emerged in the turmoil of the past couple of weeks. And I admit, I was very thankful for the way he treated me throughout my condition, which maybe caused me to hero-worship him a bit. And as that happened right from the beginning, maybe it did form the foundation for my feelings.
I agree I could be better at communicating, I usually get there in the end, but the distance meant I didn't want to spend every time we met arguing, that's something I need to learn from I guess... to learn to say as soon as I get an uneasy feeling something is wrong. I felt that as he had been honest about being a bit wary of commitment yet seemed to be going doen that route with me, I didnt want to push it. Again, a mistake.
Just want to say perhaps I focussed a lot on the financial in my post which I didn't mean to (we spent a lot of evenings in eat just eating pizza, I wasn't buying into some glamorous life). I admit, I somehow felt our life together was better than mine on my own, which even I don't quite get as I have a wonderful family, and friends, am well travelled, live abroad, multilingual etc, we were equals and it certainly didn't feel like a 'fantasy'. Bit yes, maybe I did feel somehow 'inferior' wich is ironic because he always said he was the lucky one to have found me - maybe this is a issue I need to work through. Anyway, thanks for your opinions :-)
posted by nadmer at 5:22 AM on March 6, 2010
I agree I could be better at communicating, I usually get there in the end, but the distance meant I didn't want to spend every time we met arguing, that's something I need to learn from I guess... to learn to say as soon as I get an uneasy feeling something is wrong. I felt that as he had been honest about being a bit wary of commitment yet seemed to be going doen that route with me, I didnt want to push it. Again, a mistake.
Just want to say perhaps I focussed a lot on the financial in my post which I didn't mean to (we spent a lot of evenings in eat just eating pizza, I wasn't buying into some glamorous life). I admit, I somehow felt our life together was better than mine on my own, which even I don't quite get as I have a wonderful family, and friends, am well travelled, live abroad, multilingual etc, we were equals and it certainly didn't feel like a 'fantasy'. Bit yes, maybe I did feel somehow 'inferior' wich is ironic because he always said he was the lucky one to have found me - maybe this is a issue I need to work through. Anyway, thanks for your opinions :-)
posted by nadmer at 5:22 AM on March 6, 2010
I agree with Joh1270 about the disparity between the length of your post and the lack of real insight into the intimacy of your relationship with this guy.
I guess my advice, from the details you've given, would be to focus on intimacy cues in your next relationship. Despite everything he 'did' for you [and vice versa] it would be good to think about what kinds of new ways a relationship helps you to understand yourself, what new creativity/talents are fostered in you, how 'safe' and loved do you feel. What kind of you are you with your man? I can see from your post that you felt empowered in lots of ways from the relationship - it must feel awful to face this disappointment. I feel for you.
It strikes me as important that your ex was unable to communicate with you the details of the demise of the relationship, that you were unable to get to grips with the possible stressors on the relationship until it was too late. Where you are in the relationship as it weathers various external forces is something for direct and regular discussion in a relationship. Where there are stressors, they are out in the open, and they are traversed as a team.
I'm sorry for what you are going through, because there does seem to be many examples where he behaved in a manner that encouraged you to think you were a team. The take away from this sadness is that it is better to know the situation now than after marriage and children. You have a lot of 'you' still to come - and new parts of you will be discovered or developed in your time alone and in new relationships.
posted by honey-barbara at 5:23 AM on March 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
I guess my advice, from the details you've given, would be to focus on intimacy cues in your next relationship. Despite everything he 'did' for you [and vice versa] it would be good to think about what kinds of new ways a relationship helps you to understand yourself, what new creativity/talents are fostered in you, how 'safe' and loved do you feel. What kind of you are you with your man? I can see from your post that you felt empowered in lots of ways from the relationship - it must feel awful to face this disappointment. I feel for you.
It strikes me as important that your ex was unable to communicate with you the details of the demise of the relationship, that you were unable to get to grips with the possible stressors on the relationship until it was too late. Where you are in the relationship as it weathers various external forces is something for direct and regular discussion in a relationship. Where there are stressors, they are out in the open, and they are traversed as a team.
I'm sorry for what you are going through, because there does seem to be many examples where he behaved in a manner that encouraged you to think you were a team. The take away from this sadness is that it is better to know the situation now than after marriage and children. You have a lot of 'you' still to come - and new parts of you will be discovered or developed in your time alone and in new relationships.
posted by honey-barbara at 5:23 AM on March 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
There was however a niggling doubt, he never said I love you although he showed it in many ways. I know it seems ridiculous that i could ignore that fact... He also said he didn't think I was truly in love with him ...
Did you ever say I love you to him?
am I somehow attracted to and attracting men who are avoidant (despite being pretty much mr. wonderful in every other way)?
You know, I've been through this kind of thing -- breakup, followed by "Oh no, what if there's something wrong with me that's systematically attracting the wrong people?" -- and my advice is to not worry about it. If you think there's something about yourself that needs work, of course, work on it. But do it for yourself, not to attract different people. You just can't fine-tune things like that, and you don't want to be unfaithful to who you really are just to meet the right guy, especially since the right guy will accept you for who you really are. Everyone has some shortcomings and some issues, and this doesn't prevent people from falling in love and getting married and having kids.
From your experience do you think I'm making any key mistakes once in the relationship?
This is really hard to answer since you mainly talk about things he did in the relationship. I don't know much about what you did in the relationship.
One thing it's easy to forget when answering AskMetafilter relationship questions is that the question is written by one person in the relationship. This creates a slant in the direction of describing what the other person did wrong. This is a big problem (not with you or anyone in particular, but just with this whole forum for relationship questions), because we haven't met any of the people involved and we're naturally inclined to believe the one person who's talking to us. If I try to imagine one of my ex-girlfriends explaining what went wrong in the relationship and what led to the breakup, I'm sure I'd find her to be leaving out a lot of the most important things, especially things she did that contributed to the breakup -- and I'm sure she'd have the same kinds of criticisms of my version of the story.
When I look out there I feel that no-one matches up to my ex (even my friends and family agree he is a very hard act to follow) so do I need to 'lower my standards' and how can I do this without feeling disatissfied?
Naturally you're focusing on him because of the recent breakup, but you don't need to come to some big conclusion about whether you can or can't "follow" his "act." You'll find someone else, and he'll be exciting and new, and you might become aware of ways your ex fell short. I mean, your ex doesn't really sound that great: he sounds rather distant and emotionally detached. The positive things you've told us about him are mainly about him being ambitious and making external displays of devotion to you. (Jon1270 makes a similar point.) Meanwhile, he lacked a truly devoted emotional core. Maybe this can be a lesson going forward, which could help you find someone better.
posted by Jaltcoh at 5:25 AM on March 6, 2010
Did you ever say I love you to him?
am I somehow attracted to and attracting men who are avoidant (despite being pretty much mr. wonderful in every other way)?
You know, I've been through this kind of thing -- breakup, followed by "Oh no, what if there's something wrong with me that's systematically attracting the wrong people?" -- and my advice is to not worry about it. If you think there's something about yourself that needs work, of course, work on it. But do it for yourself, not to attract different people. You just can't fine-tune things like that, and you don't want to be unfaithful to who you really are just to meet the right guy, especially since the right guy will accept you for who you really are. Everyone has some shortcomings and some issues, and this doesn't prevent people from falling in love and getting married and having kids.
From your experience do you think I'm making any key mistakes once in the relationship?
This is really hard to answer since you mainly talk about things he did in the relationship. I don't know much about what you did in the relationship.
One thing it's easy to forget when answering AskMetafilter relationship questions is that the question is written by one person in the relationship. This creates a slant in the direction of describing what the other person did wrong. This is a big problem (not with you or anyone in particular, but just with this whole forum for relationship questions), because we haven't met any of the people involved and we're naturally inclined to believe the one person who's talking to us. If I try to imagine one of my ex-girlfriends explaining what went wrong in the relationship and what led to the breakup, I'm sure I'd find her to be leaving out a lot of the most important things, especially things she did that contributed to the breakup -- and I'm sure she'd have the same kinds of criticisms of my version of the story.
When I look out there I feel that no-one matches up to my ex (even my friends and family agree he is a very hard act to follow) so do I need to 'lower my standards' and how can I do this without feeling disatissfied?
Naturally you're focusing on him because of the recent breakup, but you don't need to come to some big conclusion about whether you can or can't "follow" his "act." You'll find someone else, and he'll be exciting and new, and you might become aware of ways your ex fell short. I mean, your ex doesn't really sound that great: he sounds rather distant and emotionally detached. The positive things you've told us about him are mainly about him being ambitious and making external displays of devotion to you. (Jon1270 makes a similar point.) Meanwhile, he lacked a truly devoted emotional core. Maybe this can be a lesson going forward, which could help you find someone better.
posted by Jaltcoh at 5:25 AM on March 6, 2010
I don't mean to be flippant but if your ex is saying he didn't feel you were in love with him he must have a reason. Mind you, there is a 100% chance this reason may be totally wrong but if he feels you didn't truly love him it could be due to his shortcomings, yours or both. If you think you may have contributed to it (bad communication, etc) then work on that moving forward. At the end of the day, it's really hard to read another person, so don't beat yourself up trying to.
posted by gadha at 5:54 AM on March 6, 2010
posted by gadha at 5:54 AM on March 6, 2010
There is one important box this guy did not tick. He didn't tick the "I want to be with nadmer" box. Or, at the very least, he unchecked it. This is the most important box of all. You have to realize this before you can get over it. And I disagree with your friends and family; he is a very easy act to follow. Find someone who is dying to check that box, and you will forget all about Mr. Charming Handsome Moneybags IV who doesn't want you.
posted by milarepa at 5:55 AM on March 6, 2010 [10 favorites]
posted by milarepa at 5:55 AM on March 6, 2010 [10 favorites]
as a youngster I had low self esteem
I think you might still have this issue. In your post, you sound so grateful and surprised, almost, that someone loves you. Perhaps it would be a good idea to take a break from relationships to think about that, and to figure out what it is that you want from a relationship versus what you are not willing to concede.
I'm sorry that you are hurting, and that you feel blindsided by the breakup, but your ex truly did you a favor by letting you know before the move that he didn't think it would work out. I think this is actually a caring, considerate thing to do.
posted by runningwithscissors at 8:26 AM on March 6, 2010
I think you might still have this issue. In your post, you sound so grateful and surprised, almost, that someone loves you. Perhaps it would be a good idea to take a break from relationships to think about that, and to figure out what it is that you want from a relationship versus what you are not willing to concede.
I'm sorry that you are hurting, and that you feel blindsided by the breakup, but your ex truly did you a favor by letting you know before the move that he didn't think it would work out. I think this is actually a caring, considerate thing to do.
posted by runningwithscissors at 8:26 AM on March 6, 2010
Response by poster: Thanks guys... I really appreciate the advice and know that I'm not really giving both sides of the story here and that in the midst of my grief, I'm even failing to communicate my side of things properly. I agree my post is long but doesn't really get to grips with the intimacy or lack of intimacy of the relationship. This may be because since he moved even further away (i.e. abroad) to do this huge job we have had so little intimacy (for 4 months now) and I was desperately trying to hold it together and make it work, be the supportive one while he concentrated on his job, sort out stuff for him at this end (flat leases etc) but I'm left feeling the past few months were a bit of a non-relationship, as such I can only talk about the intimacy that happened about 5-6 months ago which seems so far away now. No I never said I loved him, I was a coward and afraid he wouldn't say it back. I admit that. You are right milarepa, he didn't check that 'I want to be with nadmer box' or he certainly unchecked it a few months ago and I wish I could have seen that more clearly. Neither of us has been a good communicator, and the distance has contributed to that too, so another lesson learnt there I hope. One thing I failed to mention, is that despite his many good qualities my ex did make me feel (and said to me very openly) that the city I lived in was a dump (I live in a nice European capital), that my house was a dump (I live in a small but pretty flat in the dead centre of said European capital) and that these were great reasons to come and live with him either in the his city in this country or in the foreign country he moved to, he also made it clear that for my own good I really needed to earn more money (I have a normal to decent salary). And these factors have nothing to do with the break up. But I can see with hindsight that they did start to make me wonder if I was living as good a life as I had originally thought and now that we are over of course it maked me feel I have nothing to come back to. A mistake I know now. Jaltcoh, thanks for that reassuring comment about wondering 'what's wrong with me?'and about it being really common to ave shortcomings but still get married/settle down etc that really hepled me. Thanks everyone :-)
posted by nadmer at 8:29 AM on March 6, 2010
posted by nadmer at 8:29 AM on March 6, 2010
Response by poster: Running with scissors, you are right, I may still have self-esteem issues. I was this ugly duckling geeky teen, who wasn't good at school - as I grew up I got pretty good looking, popular and academically very successful (these are not my words, so don't think I'm being vain) but perhaps part of me is still that kid who feels 'unworthy'. After the many exes who didn't treat me very well, I was surprised by the last 2 who seemed to think I was great. Perhaps this is the moment for some time away from relationships.
posted by nadmer at 8:34 AM on March 6, 2010
posted by nadmer at 8:34 AM on March 6, 2010
First, some guys I know of are scared of expressing their feelings verbally. Instead of telling you that they love you, they show it in oh so many ways.
Second and more importantly, when I read your question, the first thing that jumped right out at me was:
He also said he didn't think I was truly in love with him and that I was just grateful for all the help he gave me with my illness when in fact I didn't need to be as I had helped him even more (I helped him a lot too) - I couldn't believe he said that - I loved him so so much.
I immediately thought -- perhaps he's so scared in this relationship because you never showed or told him that you were truly in love with him. Him breaking up with you was an act of self-sacrifice -- he doesn't want to drag someone who isn't in love with him to a new country.
Your response later confirmed my suspicions:
No I never said I loved him, I was a coward and afraid he wouldn't say it back. I admit that.
You never gave this your 100% and you are puzzled by why he never gave this his 100%?
I don't know you and I don't know your relationship, and I don't know whether he was emotionally distant or whether you only liked the physical displays of affection but not the real him, etc, etc, etc, which contributed to the breakup. And I don't know whether
But I DO know that you weren't giving this relationship your emotional all. I think that if you want to and if you really loved him, you should put your emotions out there on the line and tell him how much you love him and that you want him in your life. For the first time and possibly for the last time. Yes, it's scary, and yes, it can be painful, and yes, it can be a complete mistake. But mistakes are easier to live with than regrets.
posted by moiraine at 9:34 AM on March 6, 2010
Second and more importantly, when I read your question, the first thing that jumped right out at me was:
He also said he didn't think I was truly in love with him and that I was just grateful for all the help he gave me with my illness when in fact I didn't need to be as I had helped him even more (I helped him a lot too) - I couldn't believe he said that - I loved him so so much.
I immediately thought -- perhaps he's so scared in this relationship because you never showed or told him that you were truly in love with him. Him breaking up with you was an act of self-sacrifice -- he doesn't want to drag someone who isn't in love with him to a new country.
Your response later confirmed my suspicions:
No I never said I loved him, I was a coward and afraid he wouldn't say it back. I admit that.
You never gave this your 100% and you are puzzled by why he never gave this his 100%?
I don't know you and I don't know your relationship, and I don't know whether he was emotionally distant or whether you only liked the physical displays of affection but not the real him, etc, etc, etc, which contributed to the breakup. And I don't know whether
But I DO know that you weren't giving this relationship your emotional all. I think that if you want to and if you really loved him, you should put your emotions out there on the line and tell him how much you love him and that you want him in your life. For the first time and possibly for the last time. Yes, it's scary, and yes, it can be painful, and yes, it can be a complete mistake. But mistakes are easier to live with than regrets.
posted by moiraine at 9:34 AM on March 6, 2010
There was however a niggling doubt, he never said I love you ...
No I never said I loved him ...
Well, I don't see why you don't apply the same standards to yourself that you apply to other people.
posted by Jaltcoh at 9:54 AM on March 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
No I never said I loved him ...
Well, I don't see why you don't apply the same standards to yourself that you apply to other people.
posted by Jaltcoh at 9:54 AM on March 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Yes, it was a mistake not to say I loved him when I DID, I regret that and it showed emotional immaturity, I guess my past experience and conditioning made me foolishly think the guy had to say it first. I was afraid to put my heart on the line, perhaps in part due to past experience, also I felt vulnerable when I met him as I ahd been through so much in the previous year (facial nerve damage, sudden onset of a kidney problem, floor of my house falling through, and more, all with my family living on another continent). All I can say is that showed I loved him 100% and he admitted I put everything I had into the relationship. Anyway, just wanted to say thanks to everyone. I don't think I should continue with this post, because I read some of the responses and get a bit upset - what was I expecting?! Some things may be true and bit hard to hear and others may be untrue because this isn't really a forum where I can explain things fully face to face. Anyway, it has been helpful to have some points of view (be they spot on or not) other than those of my friends and family who seem to tell me I was doing (almost) everything right when I couldn't have been.
posted by nadmer at 12:07 PM on March 6, 2010
posted by nadmer at 12:07 PM on March 6, 2010
Nadmer,
I seem to have some similar problems in my relationship history. I would love it if this thread could continue so I could learn from your situation. I'm sorry if people have been harsh, but I think there is still value in their perspectives. For example, I didn't tell the person I loved in my last relationship, but I can see now how much of a difference it might have made. Reading your experience was very helpful.
I'm wondering also if there isn't something to the idea that these relationships lack intimacy. Is there a way to have a relationship with someone who "ticks the boxes" but also is based on a deep soul connection? How do we think about relationships to bring that about?
If it's okay with you, I welcome further comments on that issue. (Or I could post my own AskMe, of course!)
posted by alternateuniverse at 1:10 PM on March 7, 2010
I seem to have some similar problems in my relationship history. I would love it if this thread could continue so I could learn from your situation. I'm sorry if people have been harsh, but I think there is still value in their perspectives. For example, I didn't tell the person I loved in my last relationship, but I can see now how much of a difference it might have made. Reading your experience was very helpful.
I'm wondering also if there isn't something to the idea that these relationships lack intimacy. Is there a way to have a relationship with someone who "ticks the boxes" but also is based on a deep soul connection? How do we think about relationships to bring that about?
If it's okay with you, I welcome further comments on that issue. (Or I could post my own AskMe, of course!)
posted by alternateuniverse at 1:10 PM on March 7, 2010
Response by poster: I don't know if anyone ever looks backs on these posts, but I just wanted to say that YES, I did get over him, and I did meet someone else 8 months later - no they didn't tick all his boxes, but they did tick a whole load of others - including the 'I'm totally devoted to nadmer' one :-) Of course now I can see all the shortcomings of my previous relationship and that Mr Wonderul really easn't all that wonderful. I also sought out therapy which has been an immense help. Just wanted to briefly share the outcome of this situation in case any one else reeling from apainful break-up stumbles upon this post and thinks they're in a hopefless situation. Time (and in particular new love) really does heal.
posted by nadmer at 8:34 AM on October 19, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by nadmer at 8:34 AM on October 19, 2010 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
About this recent breakup, I am truly sorry. Seems like a shocker. If I were to guess, I'd say that this recent guy really does care for you, but the pressure of the new job combined with the reality of you moving in (or near) him became something he didn't want to deal with. Could he have dealt if you tabled the moving conversation? Probably. Sounds like he needed more time but he panicked, which sucks for you but in a way it's okay since now you can see that he's a guy who panics instead of stepping back and breathing.
Re: question #3 and your standards. Well, your standards included an apparently wonderful man who refused to commit. Hell yeah, I'd re-evaluate that standard since that standard is going to leave you jilted every single time. Yes, you will meet the right one. He's out there. Relax.
posted by dzaz at 4:01 AM on March 6, 2010