Can we become more than friends?
February 7, 2010 6:17 PM Subscribe
I'm developing feelings for her...should I just say so?
I know there's a million MeFi's out there related to this (many of which I have read), but my situation seems a bit unique.
She moved to my town about a month ago and I started hanging out with her shortly thereafter. She seemed to be showing some degree of interest a couple of weeks ago - not really flirting but she was being increasingly friendly and suggested we hang out more often. The last time we hung out (also the first time that it was just us two) she was more reserved - I thought she was brushing me off, but in retrospect I think she was just tired that night. I tried asking her to go to a concert last night but she missed the e-mail (and proceeded to playfully admonish me the next day "why didn't you call?!?"). I'm going to ask her to get together again this week but this time I want to bump things up a bit.
A possible curve ball - we're both in our mid-20's, both unemployed, and both living with our respective parents for financial reasons. We're also both considering leaving the area in the near future for greener pastures. She wants to leave the country as soon as she's back on her feet, and I will probably be leaving the area once I have a job lined up (the job market in this town is particularly horrible, and I've been wanting to leave for a while now).
Currently it feels like we're in some sort of relationship grey-zone - not dating, but not purely friends. Physically, she's hugged me once, but we've had no serious contact besides that. I'd normally take it slowly (light touches, judge her feedback, etc), but we might not have time for that.
This girl is incredibly awesome - I literally feel like a teenager around her! FWIW she's also very attractive - guys are constantly hitting on her and I don't want to look like I'm just another creep out for sex.
Should I man up and tell her how I feel, given the possible short timeframe? If so, how should I phrase it? I don't have a lot of experience with these sort of things, but feel we (or at least I) can get over the awkwardness if I'm wrong.
Feel free to use my throwaway e-mail: become.more.than.friends@gmail.com
I know there's a million MeFi's out there related to this (many of which I have read), but my situation seems a bit unique.
She moved to my town about a month ago and I started hanging out with her shortly thereafter. She seemed to be showing some degree of interest a couple of weeks ago - not really flirting but she was being increasingly friendly and suggested we hang out more often. The last time we hung out (also the first time that it was just us two) she was more reserved - I thought she was brushing me off, but in retrospect I think she was just tired that night. I tried asking her to go to a concert last night but she missed the e-mail (and proceeded to playfully admonish me the next day "why didn't you call?!?"). I'm going to ask her to get together again this week but this time I want to bump things up a bit.
A possible curve ball - we're both in our mid-20's, both unemployed, and both living with our respective parents for financial reasons. We're also both considering leaving the area in the near future for greener pastures. She wants to leave the country as soon as she's back on her feet, and I will probably be leaving the area once I have a job lined up (the job market in this town is particularly horrible, and I've been wanting to leave for a while now).
Currently it feels like we're in some sort of relationship grey-zone - not dating, but not purely friends. Physically, she's hugged me once, but we've had no serious contact besides that. I'd normally take it slowly (light touches, judge her feedback, etc), but we might not have time for that.
This girl is incredibly awesome - I literally feel like a teenager around her! FWIW she's also very attractive - guys are constantly hitting on her and I don't want to look like I'm just another creep out for sex.
Should I man up and tell her how I feel, given the possible short timeframe? If so, how should I phrase it? I don't have a lot of experience with these sort of things, but feel we (or at least I) can get over the awkwardness if I'm wrong.
Feel free to use my throwaway e-mail: become.more.than.friends@gmail.com
Go for it. :)
posted by jeffburdges at 6:25 PM on February 7, 2010
posted by jeffburdges at 6:25 PM on February 7, 2010
Agreed. Also, there is something to the idea of the "friend zone." IE, if you wait too long, she'll have relegated you to "just friend" status. I do not know how or why this works, but I've encountered it many times. The implication being, there *had* been a time when she would have been receptive, but that window has closed.
In short, yes, it seems you have little to lose. If you don't say something, you'll always wonder.
posted by JMB1138 at 6:27 PM on February 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
In short, yes, it seems you have little to lose. If you don't say something, you'll always wonder.
posted by JMB1138 at 6:27 PM on February 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
If you really feel for her, you'll make it work no matter the circumstances or distance. Go for it!
posted by cozenedindigo at 6:27 PM on February 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by cozenedindigo at 6:27 PM on February 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
I see a lot of "this might happen" and "that might happen", but now is now. You will only know for sure if you ask her out. If things do develop and progress to where either of you possibly leaving becomes an issue, you can deal with it then.
posted by cmgonzalez at 6:27 PM on February 7, 2010
posted by cmgonzalez at 6:27 PM on February 7, 2010
Are you open to a fling? If a fling is what you're in the market for, then yes, tell her how you feel, and explain what you want - basically a short term relationship that has a set endpoint (when one of you moves away) and doesn't get super serious or emotional. If you want anything more than that, you should keep quiet. But if you want a fling, and she wants a fling? Go for it! There's no way to figure out if she wants this without asking her, but that's something you'll have to risk.
posted by Mizu at 6:29 PM on February 7, 2010
posted by Mizu at 6:29 PM on February 7, 2010
Yup, it's been asked before, and hive mind always says the same thing, with which I agree entirely: CALL HER, STUPID! You're in your mid 20s, you have no idea how little time life gives you. CALL HER NOW!
posted by crazylegs at 6:30 PM on February 7, 2010
posted by crazylegs at 6:30 PM on February 7, 2010
Sounds like she's waiting for you to make a move. Go for it.
And if you're totally wrong about her signals, so what? Life is short. Would you rather find out, or kick yourself years from now for being a wuss?
posted by swngnmonk at 6:30 PM on February 7, 2010
And if you're totally wrong about her signals, so what? Life is short. Would you rather find out, or kick yourself years from now for being a wuss?
posted by swngnmonk at 6:30 PM on February 7, 2010
Should you tell someone you like that you like them when it's fairly probable they like you back?
This question kind of answers itself, but if you need it in big, friendly letters, "TELL HER NOW, SILLY".
posted by inturnaround at 6:54 PM on February 7, 2010
This question kind of answers itself, but if you need it in big, friendly letters, "TELL HER NOW, SILLY".
posted by inturnaround at 6:54 PM on February 7, 2010
"You are incredibly awesome. I literally feel like a teenager around you. Can we be more than friends?"
posted by Lobster Garden at 7:06 PM on February 7, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by Lobster Garden at 7:06 PM on February 7, 2010 [4 favorites]
If you don't kiss I will.
posted by LarryC at 7:48 PM on February 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by LarryC at 7:48 PM on February 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Be direct about it, and if she says 'no', express willingness to back out and be friendly, make sure she knows it's a recent development. The thing you want to avoid is making her feel that you were trying to get in to her pants all along, or that any future kindness and friendship you show will be a 'trick' in the same way. It's really upsetting to feel like the friendship was a lie, and I think it's great that you recognize you don't want to just look like another creep out for sex.
posted by Lady Li at 8:13 PM on February 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Lady Li at 8:13 PM on February 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'd ramp this up by casually asking her out to dinner ("hey, there's this great place", etc) and then see where it leads. I see clear grounds for her to get cold feet due to your diverging lives, so I would not try any serious romantic stuff, including calling it a date or putting any moves on her unless there is no doubt in your mind that there are sparks. I would be a great listener, laugh, have fun, and go with her cues. And hal_c_on is right -- be 100% prepared to be cool about things if she doesn't want to pursue this.
posted by crapmatic at 8:43 PM on February 7, 2010
posted by crapmatic at 8:43 PM on February 7, 2010
I figure you should just tell her how you feel. "So, I have feelings for you/am attracted to you/really like you and would like to date/be more than friends/kiss you [say whatever is appropriate for you]." If she reciprocates, you can kiss and feel all tingly and electric. If she says, "I'm sorry, I don't feel the same way/I'm seeing someone" just say, "Ok, no problem, we can continue being friends. I just wanted to tell you how I felt." And that is that. If you both start seeing each other, you'll figure out the living at home/unemployment/possible moving away situation. Or it'll just end in heartbreak. Or not! Or, you have to choose your priorities - focus on this relationship (there will be others if this one doesn't happen), or focus on getting a job and moving. Finding a job is a lot of work. I know that I wouldn't be able to nurture a burgeoning relationship AND try to look for a job, but that's just me. You're young, you can probably handle it. But only you know that. And if you don't, there's only one way to find out.
posted by foxjacket at 9:03 PM on February 7, 2010
posted by foxjacket at 9:03 PM on February 7, 2010
Call her and ask her on a date. Not just, "Hey do you want ot go to the movies", but more like, "Hey I am trying to save money, but one thing I think worth spending on is a date with you. Do you want to go to ... Wednesday night?"
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:13 PM on February 7, 2010
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:13 PM on February 7, 2010
Gee, I hate to be the lone dissenting voice once again, but my impression is that she's not very interested and also not very available or eligible even if she were.
If you're enjoying the dynamic which you have now (and it sounds like you are), I think it's naive of "the hive" to imply that that won't change if you take the risk to ask her out.
Still, you could drop a few hints just to get a better read. For instance, "I can sure see why the men flock around you like bees to a beautiful flower. I even feel like a teenager around you myself. Still, I like the friendly banter that we have, don't you?" Just see what she says. Ask her if she ever gets concerned that a nice innocent friendship might get spoiled by romance. I think that her answers will tell you if she's hoping for more, on the fence, or definitely not open to a romance with you.
If she's on the fence, you might probe a little as why, reassuring her all the while that you're her friend regardless of anything else that might transpire between you.
That kind of reassurance (if you mean it) will allow her to be herself and to reveal the truth.
If she seems open to more than friendship, than by all means ask her out! Otherwise, I don't see the point.
posted by SociologistTina at 2:52 AM on February 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
If you're enjoying the dynamic which you have now (and it sounds like you are), I think it's naive of "the hive" to imply that that won't change if you take the risk to ask her out.
Still, you could drop a few hints just to get a better read. For instance, "I can sure see why the men flock around you like bees to a beautiful flower. I even feel like a teenager around you myself. Still, I like the friendly banter that we have, don't you?" Just see what she says. Ask her if she ever gets concerned that a nice innocent friendship might get spoiled by romance. I think that her answers will tell you if she's hoping for more, on the fence, or definitely not open to a romance with you.
If she's on the fence, you might probe a little as why, reassuring her all the while that you're her friend regardless of anything else that might transpire between you.
That kind of reassurance (if you mean it) will allow her to be herself and to reveal the truth.
If she seems open to more than friendship, than by all means ask her out! Otherwise, I don't see the point.
posted by SociologistTina at 2:52 AM on February 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
Yes, absolutely go for it. Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans and all of that. Don't let your future "plans" get in the way of living your life RIGHT NOW.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 5:46 AM on February 8, 2010
posted by grapefruitmoon at 5:46 AM on February 8, 2010
Say "Hey, I like you a lot. I've always liked you - you make me feel warm and young and happy - Im always happier in your company, and we always have fun. I want you to know this and to accept my invitiation out to dinner later today where I can start to treat you how you deserve to be treated"
or something like that - make reference to not having "done this" sooner - as from that point onwards it will get hauled back on the correct track it should have been on in the first place.
You sound like a nice guy man: Don't analyse things too much, Grab her hand, tell her you love her and take her out somewhere where she can see
-Good luck to you my friend
posted by Cogentesque at 6:50 AM on February 8, 2010
or something like that - make reference to not having "done this" sooner - as from that point onwards it will get hauled back on the correct track it should have been on in the first place.
You sound like a nice guy man: Don't analyse things too much, Grab her hand, tell her you love her and take her out somewhere where she can see
-Good luck to you my friend
posted by Cogentesque at 6:50 AM on February 8, 2010
Why the hell not? You can enjoy the pleasures of finding sexy time alone in your aprent's houses, which will provide further impetus for yous to get out of town (possibly together!).
posted by WeekendJen at 8:36 AM on February 8, 2010
posted by WeekendJen at 8:36 AM on February 8, 2010
"You are incredibly awesome. I literally feel like a teenager around you. Can we be more than friends?"
posted by Lobster Garden at 7:06 PM on February 7
Sure, ask her out on a date. Be specific. A time and a place. Not "coffee sometime." Do not say what is written in italics above; it would be bad.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 10:35 AM on February 8, 2010
posted by Lobster Garden at 7:06 PM on February 7
Sure, ask her out on a date. Be specific. A time and a place. Not "coffee sometime." Do not say what is written in italics above; it would be bad.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 10:35 AM on February 8, 2010
You sound like a nice guy man: Don't analyse things too much, Grab her hand, tell her you love her and take her out somewhere where she can see
Also, do not do this. I cannot stress this enough. If she thinks of you as a potential romantic partner, this bizarre "grand gesture" isn't necessary, and would skeeve out anyone who wasn't already madly in love with you.
And if she is not interested in you romantically, it is fucking creepy as hell. It is exactly the kind of thing a "Nice Guy" does. You figure, hey, you love her, why not just grab her hand and profess that love? You're owed it! No. You are not owed it. She is her own person. You don't just go around grabbing hands and professing love. For your good and hers, don't do it.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 10:51 AM on February 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Also, do not do this. I cannot stress this enough. If she thinks of you as a potential romantic partner, this bizarre "grand gesture" isn't necessary, and would skeeve out anyone who wasn't already madly in love with you.
And if she is not interested in you romantically, it is fucking creepy as hell. It is exactly the kind of thing a "Nice Guy" does. You figure, hey, you love her, why not just grab her hand and profess that love? You're owed it! No. You are not owed it. She is her own person. You don't just go around grabbing hands and professing love. For your good and hers, don't do it.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 10:51 AM on February 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
I agree with SociologistTina. It give u a chance to feel out the situation before u jump in.
Good luck!!
posted by VickyR at 11:05 AM on February 8, 2010
Good luck!!
posted by VickyR at 11:05 AM on February 8, 2010
I've broken out of the friend zone after knowing a girl for three years. Three years! That's a longass time when you're 21. How'd it happen? Pretty much exactly as you've stated - she started making more excuses to see me. Then we started drinking together with mutual friends, and I'd let her crash on my futon. You know where this is going, she went from futon to bed one night and told me she had feelings for me.
In my case, she made the bold move. Thank god, I don't think I'd have the balls if the roles were reversed. But it just as well could have been me. Point is, someone's gotta take the plunge.
I would disregard the fears of moving apart. Neither of you have any concrete plans yet, you can cross that bridge when you get there. Same with fears of ruining the friendship. My above story ended in failure, we stopped talking two months ago and I still feel like shit losing a lover and a longtime friend at the same time. Still, I knew this could happen going in, and didn't think twice about taking that risk, nor do I regret it now. You've only known her a month, what's there to lose? Don't wallow in regret for the rest of your life. Feelings have a way of killing friendships anyway, if left unacknowledged by both people.
posted by wonnage at 3:36 AM on February 14, 2010
In my case, she made the bold move. Thank god, I don't think I'd have the balls if the roles were reversed. But it just as well could have been me. Point is, someone's gotta take the plunge.
I would disregard the fears of moving apart. Neither of you have any concrete plans yet, you can cross that bridge when you get there. Same with fears of ruining the friendship. My above story ended in failure, we stopped talking two months ago and I still feel like shit losing a lover and a longtime friend at the same time. Still, I knew this could happen going in, and didn't think twice about taking that risk, nor do I regret it now. You've only known her a month, what's there to lose? Don't wallow in regret for the rest of your life. Feelings have a way of killing friendships anyway, if left unacknowledged by both people.
posted by wonnage at 3:36 AM on February 14, 2010
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posted by dzaz at 6:24 PM on February 7, 2010 [3 favorites]